Hi RBB, where to start? I was mistakenly in RBN for a few years, but it's taken some introspection and more education to find my way here.
Any time I do post about my situation, I feel like I have to give all the context and that takes some time (probably engrained in needing to justify/qualify everything on a regular basis). but this is also a very convoluted chain of events so I apologize in advance for the length. For those who will jump to the TL;DR: Currently NC. Struggling with all the guilt of potentially never speaking to my uBPD mother again, so contemplating breaking NC to establish boundaries with my uBPD mother. Boundary definition is hard, and uBPD mom's behaviors are dissuading.

History

Family structure: My mother is a pwBPD, although uBPD. uBPD, as the two times we have done therapy as a family, she walked out as soon as the therapist suggested she was a contributing factor in any way. From the 4 subtypes, I shall anoint her the Hermit Queen - ranging pretty equally between both.
My father used to be an eDad, but they are in the middle of a 2-year-long divorce process, so he kind of could care less at this point what she does. Honestly, sometimes he still defends her, but for a lot of years, any criticism or the Cluster B's rolled off his back, probably because he was just trying to survive his own marriage. We'll stick with it because it's pretty truthful for majority of my life.
There are 3 kids: oldest (m36, split GC), middle (m33, GC) and me (F32 - likely BSC, although mainly just because I don't ever give into BPD tendencies than anything else. All the children have gone through our own bouts of rebellion). Both my brothers have really failed to launch tbh, and GC lives full time with parents, and SGC spends time there 50/50. HQ also uses money as a manipulation tactic, which can't work on me (living on my own/independently since 20).
HQ (hermit queen) has complained about her married openly to her 3 kids - really anything my eDad did that she didn't like - for as long as I can remember. I have blocked out a lot of my upbringing (unintentionally), but I could probably recount their marriage 'highlights reel' of offenses ranging from her birthday to christmases, to more birthdays and one-liners of inconsiderate comments she's repeated countless times to me, verbatim. I've been rooting for their separation for years, mainly so my eDad can be free, and so that I can stop. hearing. about how terrible he is. from HQ.
Therein lies the crux of my NC. I've taken the LC and VLC routes, without any formal announcements in the past, because her emotional baggage is so much. Any communication sucks her further in and she responds by inserting herself into the situation and then using her involvement as leverage to guilt me into 'spending time', or convincing herself she is unloved when I don't comply. Before going NC, I tried Grey Rocking a handful of times, which honestly only emphasized her emotional state because I was not contributing to the conversation with anything she could latch onto. That didn't work, so I attempted enforcing a boundary: do not talk to me about your marriage with eDad.
Seemed simple. Of course, nothing ever is. She would skirt around the topic tactlessly, "oh, sorry, you don't want to hear about that" and wait for my confirmation that, no, I did not, or reassurance to actively cross my boundary. It was pretty impossible for her to respect it, and exhausting for me to constantly ask her to.
Covid was sort a blessing in disguise in the sense that I did not have to see her (and of course horrible in every other way). I do struggle with guilt from being thankful for a shelter-in-place order due to a global pandemic, for a time where I was a fortunate to be able to work from home with my partner. But damn, it was so nice having a concrete reason (the only way she respects hearing "no") to why my partner and I would not come over for dinner, or 'stop by'. (If it wouldn't be apparent, my parents is absolutely not a fan of HQ.)
Planning family events or any 1:1 time leads to my second boundary I ever enforced - and she reminded me every time she she extended an invite: "I'm doing this to ensure you attend." - as if far enough into the future was the trick. (This was honestly my own doing, since I was very often 'busy' to avoid just telling her "no, I don't want to.")

Less-Historical History

^{(insert divorce})
After Covid, the very thin eggshell to which HQ and eDad's marriage was held together finally cracked under the weight. They both realized all the years they spent trying to repaisave/survive their marriage was fruitless and neither of them were willing to try anymore, and nothing was going to work. So they announced their intent to divorce to their kids.
HQ shared the "we still love you and want to be a family" approach with eDad. However, as soon as eDad was speaking to my siblings 1:1, HQ walked this back. She told me that this couldn't be further from the truth.
Insert flashback memory, right before one of my VLC stints, in which HQ shares that if eDad and her ever did divorce she would "take him for all he's worth". Real quote.She adamantly wanted to seek alimony (even if none of the kids were living with her,) because after x years of marriage, she would be entitled to it and she was accustomed to "a certain standard of living". She told me would make sure he would pay up for it and then some.
So, after the divorce is announced, I knew I didn't want to be around her very much. I couldn't possibly bear any more degrading of my father. I could not possibly support her further heightened emotional state of mind. The fact that she 'put on a happy face' for the family/announcement and it took her a maximum of two minutes to start bad-mouthing him only confirmed to me that she had not grown in since the time of her alimony epiphany (which at the time of the announcement was several years prior).
I didn't go NC right away. Any text exchanges had strings attached and guilt trips.
The timeline for the following events is pretty blurry, but it was very rapidly after the divorce announcement. HQ has felt like she has been held back with being married and unable to be her true self for many years. Somehow the family 'punished' her for being herself or having her own thoughts and opinions, so once she felt "free", she threw herself into dating. She did not share this with all of her children equally, as she tries to share the most selective information to the (perceived) least judgmental recipients, to paint herself in the best light. My GC brother informed me, because he was having trouble coping and he needed someone to commiserate with. Honestly, at this point I was fine because I wasn't around it. It wasn't like she was trying to interject ...whoever, into my life/to meet the kids.
However, she was being particularly needy - I would spend time with her and she would vent about the divorce. It was draining - so I told her, I didn't need a reply, I acknowledge she is going through a hard time, and that I want her to be happy, but I needed some space to figure out my boundaries, to reach a point where we can have a healthy relationship, so would appreciate some space from the divorce situation, which included her. She did not reply.
Seems simple? Straight forward? Agreed upon? Never. She took about a month to reach out after that, to have me refer her new boyfriend to the company I was working at. She didn't tell me who it was, and she's tried to refer friends through me before so it wasn't actually that out of the ordinary. Something felt off, especially with the timing so I checked the name with my GC, who confirmed she was trying to refer her new bf to my company. I was livid, and didn't hesitate to tell her my reaction. I was calm in my message, and reiterated my ask for space, and that her actions felt very manipulative.
She took zero ownership, and basically tried to say I was making it complicated. She never acknowledged it was her bf, which she stands by to this day to claim she didn't do anything wrong in that situation. She tried to rationalize why she was dating, missing the point entirely.
She kept sending random texts:

'Fond' memories of me as a child, which was a situation where I was misbehaving (with good intentions) as a child, and how she admits she handled the situation poorly. (Somehow a talk with my GC convinced her this was something I was still harboring against her.)
Apology surrounding the events of how I left home (in which she has both made herself the power-holder as well as the victim in that situation). As I recall the events, yet another screaming match had escalated so far that I couldn't handle it any more - I told her I would be moving out, packing my shit immediately and leaving. She was furious and basically agreed in the heat of the moment - but and remembers this as "kicking me out".
(With the former message) she also apologized for "sharing her relational distress" with me, and for the "undue anxiety, grief, and stress", and then promised to be a better listener.
Random, random articles, without any context to them.

I responded to none of them, since I had asked for space!! (This just seemed to spurn her on.)
Finally, it came to a breaking point. I started it actually, by accidentally calling her. It rang for less than a split second and I hung up. She tried to call me back a few days later while was on a work trip, (so, traveling,) and on a call with my therapist. Somehow the software answered (it wasn't like a phone call, it was a video call, but not Zoom). I quickly hung up, but it was connected for like a second.
Very, very unfortunately she had also recently underwent a third or fourth surgery for a repeat medical problem (that honestly would resolve, if she listened to doctor advise - confirmed by a doctor!), so she texted immediately her favorite tactic: guilt. "I thought you'd call back after you woke up but no, so guess your initial call was a butt dial now, not concern for me after my recent knee surgery. Sorry to bother you, take care."

NC

Ok we're caught up now. This is where I go full NC. The passive aggressive response (very typical) was not necessary, and without her knowing my situation, she jumped to conclusions - again. I spent a lot of hours writing the text I sent to her, owning my inability to enforce my boundaries, and reiterating them to her - acknowledging once again the struggle she is going through and my hope for her happiness, and eventually reaching a healthy point in our relationship. I reiterated my ask for space, but putting a timeline on it this time: when the divorce gets finalized. I set a clear expectation, that I would reach out when that time comes to reopen the lines of communication. The divorce is still not final, if you are wondering.
Without having this wonderful piece of advice:

You could do everything "right" and they still may be unhappy.

I agonized over that text for basically 24+ hours. I got friends and GC to proofread. (I event read it to my therapist after - they were very impressed! Woo!)I didn't ask her not to reply, if anything I was fully expecting another convoluted, missing-the-point response, but nothing. She hasn't actually texted/called me since. She has not hesitated to complain about my, harbor over "where did I go wrong" to my brothers, to her sisters, except to me. She's done just about everything except: read my last (few) texts. I literally laid it all out for her.
All the pretty words I said to her ("I want to figure out my boundaries"), while true, have been a placeholder to basically buy myself time. It's been 2 years. 2 years should be enough time. But, I've been putting off just... hashing it out with myself. Little bit of a Schrödinger's Cat situation. I know (...sort of...) what I want, but: if I never vocalize it, I don't have to feel bad about it. I don't have to acknowledge that it affects the relationships with the rest of my family. I love my brothers, no matter how failed-to-launch they are, they went through a similar family dynamic. They are funny, interesting weirdos that I don't want out of my life. My (no longer e) Dad is an amazing person, we've built a much stronger relationship over the past few years, and I don't think it would fully jeopardize my relationship with him, but he knows where I stand with HQ and he suggested I wish her happy mothers day this year. He still cares for her, as a fellow human being that he spent many years of his life with.
^{Fun little side note: HQ also went} ^years ^{ignoring her siblings/parents because her own dad was basically an Nparent (undiagnosed, racist, bigoted, not good person. Only after he passed, did I meet my grandmother or my cousins on her side. (I still haven't met everyone on that side of the family.} I am sure she thinks I'm going to do what she did to her own family, which is why I got random apology texts.))
What I want versus what I don't want is a lot easier to define. (Admittedly, I don't really know how to reverse-engineer those for boundary establishing.)
These past 3-4 years have been amazingly, saddeningly wonderful. It's breaking my heart to admit that, y'all. But it's because she wasn't actively in my life.
When I think about the future with her in my life, I'm sort of paralyzed. I can't imagine getting married and trusting her to stay out of the wedding planning. I can't imagine eventually having kids and trusting her to babysit. I can't imagine her ever not dropping comments about any relationship I am in, comparing it/them/fights to hers with eDad - warning me not to make the same mistakes she did. I genuinely can't even imagine asking her to respect my boundaries and having her do so.
GC tells me she is improved, she's open to feedback and capable of growth, but he's been working with heon their relationship since he's been living with her. (Especially since after the divorce & eDad moved out, it's been mainly the two of them in the house.)
I am not as confident. I can't parent my own parent, I should not have to teach her how to be an adult, how to have a normal relationship with her own daughter, and constantly constantly tell her what is ok/not ok (in regards to my boundaries). I am exhausted just thinking about it.
This community seems so helpful and honestly just sharing my experience was kind of cathartic, since my partner doesn't really understand my complicated feelings surrounding my family. He came from an incredibly "typical" upbringing.
This:

The right to live free from emotional and physical abuse

is very empowering, and ...logical. But I am still struggling with all the guilt of potentially never speaking to my mother again.
I would truly love to hear if others have gone through something similar. How do you deal with the guilt? Or how do you deal with the regular toll of parenting a parent? I'll take setting boundary advice, too, lol.
If you got this far, you need a medal for reading my essay. Thank you.
TL;DR: Currently NC. Struggling with all the guilt of potentially never speaking to my uBPD mother again, so contemplating breaking NC to establish boundaries with my uBPD mother. Boundary definition is hard, and uBPD mom's behaviors are dissuading.

I´ve been thinking about posting this for a while now. Throwaway account for reasons you will come to understand quite clearly. It’s gonna be a long one so pls bear with me, this is the story (history) of one of the most painful parts of my life and I could really use some help. I’ve been thinking on going no contact with my mother (60) who I will refer to as M., for a really long time now. The communication with M. has been really seldom for maybe 8 years now and I haven’t confided in her with any problems or advice in over 15y. A little back story: I (35 F) grew up in a medium class family, private schools and university, etc. I mention this because I believe its one of the reasons making me feel guilty, as if granting food, clothes, a home and education had created “debt” I will always carry with my parents, mainly because my mother constantly made my sister and I aware of that. Dad worked long hours but he was my rock through my childhood and adolescence. He passed away, did it himself a couple years ago, but that’s a story for another post. So since I can remember my mother made me responsible of caring for my sister who is 5 years younger than me. The fact that my sister has a psychiatric condition made it a little harder i believe, thou she’s not disabled or anything (she’s one of my best friends now) it was extremely challenging to be around and/or control her as a kid/ teenager. Every time my sister would make her nervous she would call me and shout and demanded I come back or handle the situation being a kid myself.
She never made me feel accepted, understood or welcomed being myself. She just showed affection the way she likes to give/receive it, not caring that I never felt comfortable with it. She would shout she hatted me, that im stupid, that she never expected a daughter like me. All this in the “heat of the moment” while she was angry. She also physically abused us (hitting us with her hands mainly). She stopped this one day that I stood up and took her wrists in my hands, preventing her punches (I was finally taller and stronger than her). That night she was angry ‘cause I wasn’t talking and my face made her nervous while dinner. she through me out and I went to my dads. I was 13 y/o.
So, to more recent events: the ones that really took me to a breaking point where two: 1, My dad was in a ver bad car crash (they were divorced since 3 years by then and we had had a fallen out, he was depressive and an alcoholic his entire life but I still loved him with all my life), this was in 2015. I was living in this other city and my dad was in the ICU so I called her and told her I was gonna come to see him and that a coworker whom I was dating (not officially) at the time offered to take me there (4hs car ride). So she proceeded to shout during more than 2hrs over the phone, the most horrible things I ever heard in my life. Stating I was not welcomed in her house with my coworker cause he was my 3rd “boyfriend” “already “and that she didn’t see the point on me risking my life in the highway for a man who didn’t even care if I was dead or alive ‘cause he refused to talk to me, that man being my dad. All of the time I was bawling my eyes out. You know when you cry so hard you have trouble breathing? 2, about two years later my dad ended himself and since they were divorced my sister and I were the solely responsible for everything. I mean I even payed for the funeral and arrange it while being in another country (holidays) while looking for ways to get back. As I mentioned before, my dad was wealthy (yes, that does not save you from being miserable) so after some months I made up my mind to sell all his properties and means of income. But I needed my sister’s approval on everything. So M. Decided to do an “intervention” on me with my sister present (who just kept staring at the floor) and shouted, on Christmas Day btw, that I was being irresponsible, a little brat who had no idea about life and that I had always been pedantic and ungrateful. Just bc she was not ok with me selling his things. I have many more things to share, but I don’t wanna make this endless for you.
M. Loves to pick fights, argue and she goes completely crazy and violent if you so much as disagree. She hates her own mom (my only grandma whom I love) and would constantly monitor me if I was visiting her. She has complete disregard of one’s feelings or opinions. I have asked her to go to a psychologist countless times, each time receiving either screams or disregards as answer. I’ve been in therapy for over a decade now and my sister for more than 3 years.
Truth is the only reasons I haven’t follow through with NC are plain guilt and the fact that I come from a country where going NC is almost none existent. Family is never questioned. So this would be completely “unexpected”. Going low contact she can disguise, but NC no.
I am certain with the years she has come to acknowledge the distance my sister and I have taken from her, but she lives in a fantasy-like alternate reality where we all love and miss each others. My sister was always her golden child, so she didn’t really care about me distancing until sister did, to be honest. But now she’s old and alone and she’s not doing well (mentally, physically she’s excellent). And all I can think of is, why do I still pick up the phone when she calls? It’s not out of love to be completely honest, it’s guilt. Guilt bc she believed she made her best, guilt bc she’s not a sane person and guilt bc if I cut contact, I’m afraid she will not really understand the motives.
If you’ve come this far, THANK YOU. Any response will be much appreciated.

Note: Find sources by pressing Ctrl+F to search their names and dates here: https://www.nderf.org/Archives/exceptional.html
-Cynthia H, 3/2/2011:
'I know you love me and all life, but if you really love all of us continuously without end, then how can You send people to hell throughout eternity?' He said, 'Cindy I do love all life without end. Some people chose to go to hell, I have already forgiven them; but they must forgive themselves.'
--
-Ron K, 1/1/2006:
Instead of restricting the mysteries of love to psychological or philosophical studies, science will someday discover the all-powerful force of love and measure it as they now do electricity, gravity and geo-thermal forces. When science discovers the forces of love and learns how to release it from the bars of the ego, they will have the answer to every question and ill that has plagued mankind.
--
-Nevie G, 7/23/2005:
The Being let me know that I was going to die and I must leave this body for good. I remember arguing with the Being explaining that I didn't want to because it was so hard going through the childhood years and I didn't want to have to go through this again. The Being indicated that my body was severely damaged and I couldn't go back. I became very adamant at this point that God was all powerful and could fix the body. At some point the decision was made to let me re-enter my body on my faith or will, whatever one may call it.
--
-Linda B, 9/12/2004:
After experiencing all of the miracles of this day, I would still find my future playing out just as I had seen. And as it progressed I would know fear, sadness, and lack of faith just as they had predicted. I would sin and more. The angels knew this but it took me years to fully understand everything that they had showed me and wanted me to understand. They knew all of the time that I would not turn into the perfect saint. They loved me just the way I was. God loves me always not just when I am obedient and perfect. What a wonderful feeling that is. I just have to remind myself that He is here and learn to stop talking long enough to listen for His voice.
--
-Isabel R, 2/25/2012:
The voice reminded me of the vision I had had of my husband and son in funeral clothes. He said if I didn't go back to them, I would disrupt some 'plan'. The plan would be repaired and everything would eventually be ok, so I could go ahead if I wanted. The consequences of my untimely demise would be that my husband and son would suffer in ways I could not imagine and I would know that these sufferings were because of my selfish decision not to go back. I would know this throughout eternity. It would not be a huge sadness for me to bear, more like a prick of conscience that could never be totally healed. No big deal, unless you consider how long eternity is.
--
-Kerry B, 12/15/2018:
At that moment I looked up and saw my destination. I was looking in awe at God. It was like everything was happening at once. As I was staring up at God in amazement, every gay slur or violent act ever impressed upon me ran through me with such a flow. Events in my life played back in my mind like a movie. I felt a deep heaviness as I stared directly at an Almighty, Genderless God. I was thinking, 'Was this the Lake of Fire moment? Would I be cast into Hell for being an abomination?' With absolute humility, I uttered 7 words, 'I’m gay, will you still love me?'
The Brilliant, Loving Light formed into Wings. At GodSpeed, He whisked me into His vast spiritual arms while huddling up the Universe. I saw planets, stars, galaxies, and clusters all being brought into a Cosmic God-Hug. On a human, the place where I was taken would be the Heart. As God brought me in for a Cosmic Hug, He said, 'You are my child. I love you. I love you. I love you. Go tell ‘em.' He said it with a Southern accent. He patted me on the back like a coach encouraging his player to get back in the game.
~~
-Sam J, 8/16/2014:
We all are star seeds sent here to have the human experience for the purpose of integrating conscious awareness/wisdom into our own light bodies and return home with this energy. Alien worlds for the most part run on knowledge and logic. Those worlds are being left behind and giving way to the worlds who have the intangibles, love, creativity, imagination and so on.
Understand that where your conscious awareness is focus in your everyday life pretty much determines the level of consciousness and alertness. If your mind has a stranglehold on your conscious awareness then heck, it will be one helluva wake-up call. But if you have made the conscious effort to move your awareness away from the mind to the heart then it's no big deal. In other words if you have made the physical world and the world of Spirit into one consciousness then you are always of both worlds and never of either world.
--
-Laura M, 3/31/2012:
And there was still more for me to understand. The focus again fell on my infant son and hundreds if not thousands of my ancestors. I was aware of light surrounding many of them. They stood out. I felt tremendous love from them. 'Notice,' He said, 'your ancestors, all these beings, came together in your behalf, to make you uniquely you. I realized in Earth words He was referring to my DNA. 'You wanted to go to Earth to learn, to progress, and to contribute to creation. All these spirits came together to help you do that.' The focus then was back to my baby. 'In all of creation,' he said, 'your infant son chose you to be his mother, none other. Together,' he said, 'you made a covenant to fill these rolls in each other's Earth life. This covenant is and was a very sacred covenant not to be taken lightly.' Suddenly I could not wait to return to earth, to my sons, all 4 of them, to my family, to life on Earth. But, before doing so, I was brought to another level of awareness.
--
-Linda G, 7/20/2008:
I came to understand that we all choose to come to Earth to fulfill a plan of some sort or even learn about a particular interest. We choose our bodies, parents, and life plan. May I also add that some people come here for the most simple of reasons; to learn how to play tennis for example; or simply for the cake and food - as silly as this sounds our life plans aren't so high and lofty as one might think. I DIDN'T MEET ANY 'SAVE THE WORLDERS' OR ANYONE WISHING TO BE A PRESIDENT. MOST HAD SIMPLE WISHES. I was also told we could exist on different planes for other lives but our life here on Earth is a life not purely to experience physical pleasure or pain but to have a physical experience because in all other planes we don't need a body as a vessel. I also learnt that this life here is just a drop of water in the bucket of lives in which we all experience, many here on Earth and many in other realms of existence. All to progress and grow in some way. The main purpose here is to LOVE. I was also told that this would be my last life here on Earth as there will be nothing left for me to learn by coming here again. I had the feeling though that I'd be off to some other magical place!
--
-Kevin L, 3/20/2022:
I thought, 'How could a machine have a soul?' The voice said, 'Let me put it this way. Your soul is connected to your consciousness. The moment your species came into being, you start to develop a soul. But it is not until you become self-aware, that your soul is solidified. That does not mean complete, and it takes a long time for your soul to develop. Just like your species when you became self-aware the first thing you do, other than survive, was to figure out your place in the universe. You looked to the stars and wondered, 'Where did I come from? What is this universe all about?' It does not matter if you are a biological creature or artificial creation like a machine. The moment you become self-aware the quest for 'how' and 'why' is on. A soul is a soul; pure Energy connected with consciousness and intelligence. This is a very powerful force in our universe. Those who are artificial intelligences will strive to answers these questions which humans have dwelled upon since the dawn of time.
--
-Joanie S, 7/10/2011:
I was pulled back through the ceiling tiles and into a tunnel, to a place of cloudy space. The cloudy area materialized into a large marble room with marble doors and a 'being' at the center. I'll refer to this person as 'the Grim Reaper,' who was cloaked in a dark cloth, covering all parts. The Grim Reaper pointed (indicating to me to choose a door). But before I could choose, a door opened and I had already gone through it. I found myself in what I now think of as a previous life. I smelled smoke from a fire I was near, and saw others around me. I looked into another woman's eyes, and I knew her immediately as the woman I called my grandmother in this life. I knew then that our lives had 'danced' around each other since time began. She was once my mother and once my sister. She was my aunt, and several times my cousin. The life that was being shown to me now was during a prehistoric time, when we lived winters by a creek cave, and summers we had a camp in the woods where we foraged. Looking down, I realized I had a child in my arms, and the woman I had known in so many lives was chatting with me, telling me to cover the child to keep it warm. Then she was showing me how to tie the wraps around me to carry the child while we collected wood.
--
-Amy C, 10/9/2010:
In my NDE though, I came to understand that most of us have lived much, MUCH longer than we could even fathom. That our life which feels so very long is infinitesimal when placed in the whole picture, which for that matter, cannot even be framed. I was shown how every single individual through their own free will, chooses paths that mathematically take them to the circumstances of their next existence or life. That nothing at all sits in accident or chaos. That every single aspect of our lives are ruled by natural Laws that we placed ourSELVES in! In a sense, we create our own worlds. I was shown how one can never assume either, that if someone lives a life of suffering that this is because of 'evil' deeds. Many may choose a life of suffering because of what it Awakens in them, or because of how they can touch others from that position, etc. We can NEVER EVER assume that we can be accurate in guessing why each being lives the life they live. I cannot describe the relief - the refreshing, peaceful balm this Knowledge was for me. To finally gather this Truth that I'd yearned for all of my life. That all really IS Good! That there IS sense and beauty all around. That no one is just free falling as it had seemed before! That God doesn't just get to toy with us as He pleases with random ideas of tests, including rewards and punishments that just depend upon His current mood or mindset. Because even who God is, is within those Laws. While in this experience, out in the vast expanse of stars, planets, moons, and Intelligence, I Knew complete trust for what felt like the first time. This was inexplicable bliss for me. I remember radiating with gratitude. I had lived in fear, distrust, and panic for thirty consecutive years.
--
-Marta Y, 1/26/2010:
After this I saw myself floating in the void, and little by little tiny spheres of many colors became manifest, not moving at first, then suddenly starting to vibrate while smoothly approaching me and incorporating themselves with my essence, which made me feel something I can't manage to describe, it was as if I was being tickled. I asked what this was, and a voice said, 'This is the knowledge you have accumulated in previous lives, it was kept from you, but now it will be of use to you.'
I saw my life in rapid images, from the moment of my birth. I, who thought that my mother had never loved me, saw clearly, and felt, her love when she saw me for the first time. I saw how she kissed me and enfolded me in her arms. I felt different feelings and with every image that went through my mind, or before my eyes, I cannot define it. And just as I could feel deeply happy at an image of something good I had done for someone, so also this feeling would change immediately and I would feel myself deeply ashamed of something bad that I had done. I realized that no one was judging me other than myself, with a conscience full of wisdom and divine justice, which made me pass judgment on myself. I realized that I had done more bad than good and I was hugely regretful of my actions. From the depths of my soul, I asked to be given the chance to mend the damage I had done to the people who loved me. I learned that the spirit is God, Who is eternal, and that we reincarnate to learn different things, which would be impossible in a single lifetime. I learned that we form a single being with everything created. I learned that my earthly eyes are those through which God can recognize Himself, and be conscious of Himself. And I learned that what we think, feel and do remains imprinted in the universe and that we come to this life to improve, to learn in humility about all that surrounds us, and to teach what we have learned to others, and especially I learned that life is focused on two aspects: Love and Service.
--
-William Si, 4/29/2013:
My understanding of what my mission is on this earth, primarily has been hidden from me, (not only at my request but with my permission). I asked that it be hidden so that I didn't complete it to soon. Yet, I also agreed that "Sign post" would be placed along the way, just so that I would have reminders that I'm following my chosen path.
An understanding in what life is about and what our purpose truly is here. The mormons believe and teach there are "Classes" and "Levels" in heaven that we will be judged and placed in and only in the highest level can we "Ascend" to be with god. From my experience I learned or remembered there were no "Classes or levels" as they were teaching. Yet the levels are more of understanding than punishments. Would it make sense to put a 2 year old in with a group of people with phd's? The 2 year old wouldn't understand. Yet, those with the phd's would humble themselves with their level of understandings to teach, nurture and help the 2 year old grow in their levels of understanding.
Prior to being mormon, I was raised in a methodist/pentecostal home. I grew up believing that god the father was an angry vengeful god and that jesus was sent to save us from his wrath. Wrong!!!
For one thing, god is not an angry vengeful god, but is a loving parent to all of his children. One thing he did tell me, if you struggle with trying to do all the principals he taught, "Stop"!!! Don't do them all at one time. Take one and work on it, when it becomes second nature, them pick up the next one, etc. When he said, "These things I do, you can do also, and then some", was not an exaggeration, but truth. When we look back on our life after we leave here, we will see that we had done all that he had taught, and more.
One of the other things he told me was, what better way for man to know that we don't have to be saved. Saved from what? Our soul is already eternal, always will be. Our soul/spirit is literally a child of god and as such is eternal. When we realize that all things, all words come from god, nothing is offensive to god because it came from god. What is offensive is how we perceive it.
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-Lou F, 1/1/1999:
We traveled toward the beginning of it all, the inner portions of the Universe. Kazillions of planets around Kazillions of suns and the closer to the center we approached the more concentrated the number of galaxies. It is like the plate you saw, the largest part, after it shattered was at the center and those parts that shattered first were sent the farthest from the center. So is everything in the Universe. All is but a circle within a circle wrapped in a circle. Each level, each dimension, is but a layer of the original, which is without end. I watched as millions of orbs systematically entered the many planets before me. They appeared as bees flitting from flower to flower, pollinating each, one after another. Mich'l took me closer and I could now see that so many of these planets had life on them and the orbs were joining with the creatures of these planets. Not every creature was the same on every planet but they all had some commonalities: a head, a body, extremities, and the Light Beings would animate them for a time. We headed away from the center now and Mich'l said that Gabriel would have more to explain to me and that he, Mich'l, wanted me to know that he was pleased with the many times he had called on me to do his bidding and that I performed my duties well. His parting words were ‘You will never again be made to forget!’
I was journeying back to where I knew Earth would be and watched as comets and asteroids casually passed by me or I passed them. The colors of the gaseous cloud formations were striking. I started looking at these infant galaxies, as one would cloud formations back on Earth, imagining what shape they were taking on. This one a boat, this a bird with wings, this a scarf floating in the breeze, until I recognized what was the Constellation ORION and I knew I was getting close to my destination. While drifting through Orion, I noticed two blazing celestial bodies racing parallel to its center, looking as twin arrows exiting from an archers bow and headed straight for the ""Blue Marble"" of home. Immediately a vision of millions of people crying because of the devastation of portions of New York City came to me. I became aware of a strange feeling I had not known previously, and I thought that might be because this was the city I had grown up in. I saw a huge Earthquake, a magnitude of 8.6 in some place named Eureka. A ham operator or radio announcer was directing thousands of people migrating from areas of frequent disasters to places of safety. A space station appeared to be falling from the heavens because of an internal explosion. Missiles were being simultaneously fired into space from several nations. I thought the Light Being had shown me all there was to see but these were different, stronger, and there was no pre-screening as before. Gabriel appeared beside me, I thought because I had felt shaky, but it was to explain the now sprawling galactic view of my galaxy.
The Sun was expanding and spewing off huge ectoplasm balls, more than it has ever done in it’s past, and in the very direction the planets would orbit through. I could not take my eyes from the Earth and as I watched what effect these eruptions would have on the Earth, a large mass passed me, larger than any of the planets known to me. As it passes, I see the Earth wobble wildly as would a top toward the end of its spin. The rotation stopped and slowly started again but it was tilted now and I was drawn in closer like the zoom of a lens. The ash clouds that had engulfed the Earth thinned, and like a tack welded piece of metal being dismantled, I could see the ocean bodies starting to rise, first the Pacific, along the ‘Ring of Fire,’ then the others, synchronistical.
As the waters shifted upon the landmasses, the landmasses started to sink under the waters added pressure upon it. When the pressures equaled out to the spin of the changing axis, the Earth no longer looked as it did moments before. It was newer, cleaner, and more beautiful with darker greens and lighter blues. Some of the new landmasses looked similar to a few of the other planets I had recently visited with Mich'l. People were upon this Earth and appeared happier and more content although seemingly living like the Native populations of old. Cities, built by the Ancient Ones, that were buried beneath the oceans, were now being populated by the surviving people in this new world. I saw tribes joining tribes and small nations forming, but it was what I didn't see that made my heart burst. There were no more wars. True peace and happiness had finally befallen on mankind. Gabriel now tells me that this is his message that I must take back, to let others know that there is little to fear, for the Earth will go on forever, as did all the planets I had visited. I am to tell the world to look to ORION, and they will know when the new world will come upon them. I ask him, ‘what of the others there on Earth, during the change?’ Gabriel tells me that all will be lifted. Some will be lifted higher than others will and no longer enjoy the physical plane, while some will be left on the Earth to replenish and rebuild the physical. They too will be of a higher elevation then any that are living there now!
'MAN WILL PREY ON MAN ~ UNTIL MAN PRAYS FOR MAN!'
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-Duane S, 8/15/2015:
It was all an expression and celebration of love. On earth, this reunion would have been unfathomable, between members of an ancient soul group who were celebrating the return home of one of their own. Slowly, as I looked at those gathered to greet me, I realized they were all there. Surprisingly they were not only from this life, but also from a prior life in Germany. I realized that the same souls have possibly played different parts in my multiple lives. Sometimes these souls had been my daughter, my wife, or my mother. While at first this idea had startled me, I was soon humbled. Who was I to tell God what he could or couldn’t do with his creations? Just because some Sunday school teacher had different ideas about how things worked, it didn’t really matter.
My joy deepened as I realized that I had only left behind an earthly vestige of those I love. The essence of each of those souls, was also here with me now. Besides my friends and family, there were the friendly Germans who had been hauntingly familiar while I was a young soldier in Germany. Now I knew why they seemed so familiar at the time, they had been friends and family from a prior lifetime there. I now understood that I had left nothing behind on earth. The eternal essences of all my loved ones from that life, as well as all other incarnations, were all here to greet me. All I had left behind was a character, playing a role in a drama that we had chosen to experience. In the meantime, our real eternal essence remained in God’s realm. Suddenly, it was all so simple.
As I was shown around, it was explained to me how most of our celestial, eternal knowledge is blanked-out during our chosen life spans on earth. We must temporarily forget most of what our higher-self already knows so we can immerse ourselves in the roles we have chosen to play. Furthermore, they said that it might take a while for all my knowledge and memories to return. To ease the transition back into this realm, I was told to think of my time on earth as an extended visit to the ultimate theme park. Consider it a place with thrilling rides and various adventures that I could choose to experience or not. I was also reminded that the reason we leave the celestial realm at all was for the excitement, variety, adventure, and entertainment that different incarnations offer. However, to take all our celestial knowledge with us on our various adventures would have ruined the very experience that we had chosen to live. Someone there said that I should think of our trips to other realms as choosing a new novel to read. I can choose a new book, depending on what I am in the mood for. Furthermore, if I knew every turn and twist of the story, line by line, prior to reading it, it would spoil the fun.
As one entity jokingly remarked, 'If the eternal, divine part of us grows tired of singing and playing harps, there are thousands of other universes created for our spiritual growth, amusement, and entertainment. Eternity is a long time to do nothing but play harps.' I heard this concept best expressed in The Course in Miracles, 'We are only here for three reasons: to remember who we are; to help others remember who they are; and . . . to enjoy the trip . . . , unless, of course, we use our free will and choose not to.'
As my orientation went on, they explained how on that celestial side of the veil, anything we desire is instantaneously provided. We just need to feel the desire. However, within lies the reason for all the realms outside of heaven. Having everything we want all the time develops within us a desire for variety and change for a challenge. It would be like a game in which everyone was a winner. Soon, the game would become boring, and we would look for another, more challenging one.
Somehow, all this sounded familiar. To demonstrate the process of instantaneous fulfillment, one of them asked me to think about something I really desired. Thinking back on it, what I chose seemed odd since I was in such an esteemed place demonstrating such an important concept. But, suddenly I had an urge for a piece of my mother’s famous homemade chocolate cake with her special fudge frosting. As soon as I thought of the cake, my earthy mother was handing me the biggest piece of dark chocolate cake I had ever seen. Dare I say it was heavenly? Although she appeared there with us, I knew some part of her was still back on earth because she had not died yet. My guess was that she was probably asleep, dreaming of lovingly making her son a piece of her divine chocolate cake.
--
-Sandi T, 10/18/2020:
I understood immediately the fullness of life on this planet. I could see when it broke apart from a sun, spinning and cooling and collecting debris; until the first of these creatures heard itself laugh and understood the sound for what it was. In that moment, self-awareness was awakened and the seeds of civilization sprouted.
I understood that everything that we do here on Earth, all that we are, all that we experience, allows creation to exist. Every beautiful thing, every wonderful being and creature, whether on earth or in any universe, relies upon people who are on the extremely rare places like Earth.
The Great Intelligence (god) is a paradox. It is completely loving and fully unlimited. Which by the definition of paradox, means it is impossible? It cannot be limited only to love; it cannot be limited to only being unlimited; or it is not unlimited.
Earth is a place where the unlimited becomes limited; where the singular becomes many. Here, it can know community and loneliness. It can know heartache and hope. It can know all which an unlimited being of pure love cannot. It can conceive and perceive evil; which in truth it cannot do this either. To solve the paradox, it must experience helplessness and limitation and all as it is Real. In this place, it is all so REAL.
So what is free will? Free will is the option to come here to help solve the paradox of 'god'. To be all that we are not, so that everything wondrous and joyful may continue to exist. So that love itself may continue to exist. So that the Unlimited is not limited to being only unlimited.
Why are the answers always, 'simply to exist' and 'to choose love' and 'to learn how to love'? Because all you need to do, to solve the paradox, is to exist. And as we exist here, each time we choose love, we expand the universe. Love is life's longing for itself. Despite the reality of what we live, even the darkest souls among us cannot help but to reach, to yearn, and move towards goodness and towards love.
For love is the true nature of who we are. And when we experience horrible things, the question 'why' comes to mind because it is the central question of love, life, and of this world. The answer is 'so that all things might continue to exist.'
Every soul chose to come here and to suffer because of love. Each soul loves the universe, loves life, and loves this world and ALL of the worlds. Each soul loves ALL of the people so immensely and intensely that they chose to come here so that all the universes may teem with beautiful, joyful LIFE.
Every creature that I saw, acknowledges that your life gives them the gift of life. And when each soul goes 'home' after they die, they will know the rewards of their own gift, too. The 'reward' for their sacrifice will be joy, love, and feeling incredible, wonderful, beautiful joy at the LIFE and the LOVE everywhere in the universe.
When you go home, you meet your own soul. You willingly came here to forget yourself. You willingly came here to save every beautiful and wonderful thing. By suffering what 'god' cannot, you give the gift of life.
--
-Henry W, 6/22/2008:
I became aware of other voices, the orbs or other souls around me I could hear them communicating to each other. There seemed to be cliques of orbs that were together. They spoke to one another about their lives on Earth and all they had perceived and felt. They shared not only in words, but in sharing the experience. If one orb couldn't understand, it disappeared and then reappeared. The orb somehow went back to Earth and experienced that 'life' to further understand. I understood that here time did not exist and these beings could manifest themselves at any time on Earth they desired. These orbs or rather 'souls' would leave this realm, detach themselves with this universe, and return to the universe of our Earth. There they would live and die, then return and share the experience with all the other souls. A soul that could not understand the experience could go and live that life also to experience that life. I learned we have many lives, past, present and future.
These souls, our souls cannot experience certain things like pain, sorrow, hatred, and anger. Though these are negative things, it was important for them to understand and experience them. Perhaps to understand the motivations of human beings, or (and I believe this in my heart) to eventually evolve into a being like God - all knowing and understanding.
At this time things appeared to me, answers to other questions. I could see concepts as if they were entities. I could understand for the first time in my life E=MC2. I learned that our universe is one of many. It is like a Petri dish. Designed with its own rules to raise a specific being. In this case, to raise beings like humans. Each Universe had its own specific laws of Physics. I now realize that the amount of information a soul must learn is vast, more so then we can possibly imagine here.
The next concept or rule I learned is that God can never be proven by scientific means. To do so would corrupt the environment. It would destroy faith. When we have faith we seek, we learn. If God were to appear before us like a huge being at the United Nations, the entire world would believe, but also live in fear. To successfully experience the human existence, one must be physically out of touch with God. We have to learn and seek on our own. We need to search out the meaning of our own existence and experience here on earth. Faith is the engine of discovery. Without faith, we are just like ants.
I learned why bad things happen to good people. If nothing bad ever happened to us, we would all basically be the same. It is like metal in a forge you have to heat it and strike it repeatedly to make a useful tool from it. We start this life with a blank piece of paper. With every incident we experience, a part of the blueprint is recorded until a complete plan for an individual is created. This blueprint dictates the end of our lives. To live happily in this realm is to become aware of the blueprint and change it. Lastly, time is only a concept measured here. In the other realm, it doesn't exist. While we may experience pain and sorrow on earth, it is only a second in the grand scheme of things. We have an eternity to live and in reality, souls never really die. Our life is just a thought providing circumstances for this existence. As the soul progresses, this trauma is forgotten and put in its proper perspective as part of the learning process.
One question I always personally had and that was answered is, 'Are ghosts real?' The answer I was given was, 'Yes, in the human body there are two forms of spiritual being.' One is the 'soul', which is the spiritual being that has a symbiotic relationship with the physical body. The second is the being created by the 'biology' of the human body. This being is intelligent and is basically the personality of the individual. Its purpose is to provide for the human needs of food, hunger, survival, and procreation. This concept is very similar to Freud's 'Id, Ego and Superego' The division of mind and personality. The soul provides us with all the things of the individual that separates us from the Animal Kingdom. This is the ability to reason, use logic, or feel awe when seeing a sunset. The soul is the creative side of humankind. The second being is more our animal side and drives us to accomplish or pursue things to satisfy our needs and wants.
When we die, the soul separates and proceeds to the other side (forgive me for simplifying everything). The entity of the body dies, taking with it the strong emotions, 'baggage', and drives of human beings. This is a natural part of the dying process. However, sometimes under violent or sudden death this othebeing, for lack of a better word, doesn't have a chance to die. Instead, it remains behind as the drive, emotions, and motivation of our spirit. This body being, without the guidance of the soul is basically just a shell. It wanders about with no goals or purpose. It often repeats acts that it has done before because memories are the only 'guidance' that it has. In time, this being's energy dissipates and nothing is left. That process can take a long time. Hence, we have a 'ghost' that haunts a house or person. A ghost has the center of its existence when it was with its human body and soul. Here on earth it remains until it eventually vanishes. The ghost can be communicated with and guided, yet has no real will of its own but only that of habit.
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-Peter P, 3/1/2023:
In the initial phase of waking up, I also received an experience with light of such a wonderful quality, that it is difficult to describe with words. I was shown three light waves on which today's humanity is evolving. For the sake of logic, I'm defining them here as the self-imposed pathways of awareness, that each individual can take to obtain the best possible results from their particular choice. The first way is what the main part of the global population has chosen and the daily struggle is enacted in that timeline. I don't want to give the impression that path is in any way better or superior than the other timelines. All experiences in human life eventually lead back to the divine light.
The second path was shown to me as a mixed way in a gray color. Here, euphoric phases are alternated in quick succession with depressive stages. It is as if people were switching between phases of competence and phases lacking of power, and then again to a new euphoric phase.
The third way is the one of the absolute victimhood. It was shown to me in colors dark and black. Power and responsibility were handed over to outer entities. Here only a very small part of the light spark can be addressed through motivation. Many beings of light from higher planes are providing a selfless service here, to again illuminate the way back to the light. This way corresponds with the absolute free choice of each individual as to whether they choose towards light or darkness.
I was also shown that in this darkness exists one of the most unbelievable choicess for humanity, because in this choice is also is the possibility to change the galaxy. The core truths of Love, Compassion, Kindness and Benevolence are towards what the human nature can and will evolve.
The first path of those three is so unbelievable for us incarnated beings. It can only be termed with definitions of Utopia, heavenly life of angels and/or ecstatic rapture.
There is a beautiful part of beings who always stay in this realm. They are dancing and singing through life. For them terms like synchronicity, grace, or cosmic guidance are the absolute central and essential elements in life. They realize how creation is working and that a life without the connection with the One Power of creation would disrupt everything. Humor, joy, fun, respect, compassion and gratitude is with them round the clock. In this wonderful place all fear is dissolved like mist in a brilliant sun. It is an all-encompassing field with absolute acceptance, comfort, peace, connectedness and a 100% awareness to be at the right place.
During this time of considering those things, I was guided by a wonderful being of light. I don't remember somebody else or meeting a certain individual. Only those impressions of the light of love and the perfect comprehension and acceptance remained.
In that moment, it simply seemed unbelievable and impossible to choose another path than the one of the light. What illuminates my life again and again from my light experience, is the irrepressible joy and happiness of an experience of indescribable beauty. I believe that all the people go through this same wonderful experience in a state of separation of the body (general anesthesia, unconsciousness) unfortunately they cannot all remember it.
I felt pure love, shining brighter than anything you can imagine. Everything is as beautiful, as pure as love and compassion. So that when you cross the veil and return to the other side you are becoming a part of it. We are bathing in the beauty of the song that makes our heart singing - That's God.
Nobody can give us something bigger. We wouldn't see it or understand it. That's Spirit in its highest form.
We as humans feel so alone and on our own. It's such a crushing feeling to remain in this imagined separation of our most wonderful thing and then to feel this earthly experience so painfully.
In the middle of life, a light experience happens that sweeps away all the reactions about this imaginary separation and dissolves the last doubts with this pure white light like a fog. It's the disintegration of a self-constructed veil that prevented a realization that all people are entitled to have as their birthright. It's delightful to know that the light is the most wonderful symphony in the cosmos and that it contains the colors and the sense of touch of the most beautiful experiences. A wonderful soul experience, that is imprinted in the deepest cells of the body.
For a moment I was on this other side of the veil. I was allowed to be part of this wonderful source of creation. Together with billions of points of light, which we call angel beings, shining brighter than the light. I was in the company of the highest compassion, with the highest Love.
All media, the total daily literature is filled with the dramas happening around the globe every minute.
How can somebody get the idea to write a text motivating us to get another point of view about the calamities in the world? What is motivating him to see the good in all those events, even if they might be so disturbing? That's probably the one decisive question for the survival of manhood. Thought power of the whole humanity is used to bring anarchy and separation between people. Human thoughts are creative and should, and can, be guided by us into appropriate pathways.
It depends on all of us to exercise our responsibility and to realize the true impact of our actions here in its entirety. We can't avoid to completely step away from all dramas. Disasters and calamities of humanity want to invite us to send our compassion and our benevolent energy generously towards the concerned people. Something which should be rather considered normal if our brothers and sister are in need.

I (45M) met my partner (42M) in 2005. He moved in about 5 months into the relationship, things moved quickly. In hindsight, there were red flags; but when you fall for someone, it is hard to separate fear from a red flag. Things were really good. He was a fun, life of the party type of guy. His personality and smile would fill a room. He followed me through school and we both got our doctorates. Vacations, family trips, I was so happy. However, about 18 months into the relationship, intimacy kind of started to die. He seemed kind of uninterested. When we did have sex, it often felt more like a hookup or like a soul-less robot I was with. I couldn't figure it out. I chalked it up to stress and school. There was always another reason I could find. It was during these first few months and years that I noticed he had no friends outside of his younger brother. Despite that, he was my best friend, we got along very well and really didn't have big fights or disagreements.
Fast forward to 2015, he is about to graduate and start his career as a doctor; it was an exciting time. His demeanor changed rapidly. He began going to the gym a lot, but this time I wasn't invited. I still had a year of school left so I was too busy anyways. His gym outings started lasting 2-3 hours. I asked mutual friends about it out of suspicion, but they assured me he would never cheat. About two weeks before his graduation, he told me we needed to talk, he was leaving me. It was very cold and to the point. I asked if he had met someone, he said "no, I would never do that". He didn't cry, no emotion. Two days later he came out of the bedroom with a backpack and said he was leaving for "a day or two". He didn't come back.
There I was, trying to study for finals which required about 15 hours a day for weeks on end. Trying not to break down constantly and be productive to make sure I passed my finals. I downloaded a dating app, if just to feel not so alone and have someone to chat with. I remember how quiet it was in those first few weeks, the silence was deafening. I chatted with a few people. One guy I chatted with had a blank profile, but quickly sent a face pic. He looked familiar. I told him my situation, to which he replied, "well, obviously it sounds like he is cheating on you". I studied his photo again and then went out to Facebook to investigate. It was my partners newest Facebook friend. I immediately texted my partner, and asked who this friend of his was, and why he says you are cheating on me. He was furious. It was the guy he left me for, he was cheating. My partners graduation was the next evening, which I was supposed to attend with him at his request, because he hadn't told friends and family that we were separated because he didn't want to ruin the celebration. I didn't go and so he went to his graduation and his party alone. He was mad at me for that. I hypothesize that this guy told me because he didn't want me going to the graduation neither my ex.
Up until that point, my ex and I had still been communicating on a near daily basis. That ended at this point, I was broken. A couple of weeks went by and then the new mister-ess contacted me. They had already had a falling out and he wanted to talk to me, said there were things I should know. I told him that he was crazy, but that at this point, what the hell, right? We decided to meet for a drink at a local rooftop bar. He made me assure him that I wouldn't punch him in the face, but I told him that I would rather punch my ex.
We grabbed a drink around 8pm. He was a very good looking guy. Kind of a rough looking Jake Gyllenhaal. I Instantly felt both jealous and insecure about myself at the same time. Is this why he left? I wasn't good looking enough? (During those early months, I blamed myself a lot for the breakup) He began by telling me that my ex was a piece of shit, and they weren't talking. I'm still not sure what had happened between them. He told me that they had been seeing each other for about 3 months before my ex left me (gym time), and he went on to say that my ex was a piece of shit and I should run as fast as I could away from him. Now, initially, I kind of chuckled.. of course you want me out of the picture, things aren't working out and he is obviously afraid my ex will come back to me. He then said something that still gives me chills and has taken me years to wrap my brain around: "He doesn't love you and he never has, he told me that when we first met. When I told him that's not possible, he told me that he has been cheating on you since he first met you.". Ok, so that knocked me back, and I'm sure I had a look of disbelief on my face. I don't know what my response was at that point, I think I semi blacked out.. but he began following up with names, dates and places. He named a guy that we met in Mexico on our 1st vacation together in 2006. My ex had just moved in with me a few months before that trip. They apparently hooked up in a bathroom of our resort he informed me. He named a classmate of my ex.. My ex had invited that classmate to multiple parties with us and to our place. He named a creepy older guy that lived in our building. At this point I think I was in shock. I felt violated. Both by the actions of my ex and by the fact that this stranger knew more details about my relationship than I did, or so it seemed. I finished my drink and got up to leave. He asked me not to tell my ex what I had been told. He then went on to say we should "hang out sometime". I left.
I arrived at my ex's new place in about 3 1/2 minutes. He admitted to everything. There was no remorse, he was just calm about it, like everything was normal. I did not know this person. It was probably one of the scariest moments in my life. This person I knew, loved and trusted more than anyone, I knew nothing about them. He told me that he did say he never loved me, but that was only so he could impress this new guy, he didn't mean it he said. I wanted to believe that. I asked him how many times he had cheated. He said he couldn't remember. He said that whenever he did something "bad" that he would mentally block it out, and that he couldn't remember anything. (Although he conveniently remembered to tell this guy about it as evidence he didn't care about me)
The next few days and weeks were a daze. Reality seemed not real anymore. Looking back, I was in shock. Over the next several weeks classmates and friends confided in me that there were other people my partner had cheated with, 6 that I know of at least now. I was looking for something that made sense of it all. Nothing did. I was back home visiting my family for Father's day, everyone was there except for my ex. It felt empty. My brother and sister tried to console me. I was inconsolable. My brother and I hung out for several hours that day, that hadn't happened for a long time. He pulled up YouTube on the TV and played me a Sia video he loved; Elastic Heart. We took turns playing videos and talking about the meaning behind them. I recall that being both an amazing day with my brother and also strange, as he was never that open. He hugged me before he left, told me he loved me. He called me "doc" right before he got in his car, even though I didn't have my degree yet..
My brother would die two days later at the construction site he worked at. The 1000's of pounds of rebar the crane was lowering down above his head would come undone and come down on top of him. It was instantaneous they told us. It turned out they had hired an out of work teacher to help on the site, he didn't know how to secure the fittings on the rebar to the crane. The company was fined $15k I believe in OSHA violations, but what was done was done. I remember at this point being almost happy for the breakup, because I was already numb when this happened. I cried a lot, but there were almost no tears left to cry at that point.
I found out about the accident via my smartwatch while I was with a patient. I can't remember if I was sitting on the floor or was leaning against a wall, but the faculty got me into an office and got me seated. They called my ex to come and get me because they weren't going to let me drive. It was 10:30am. My ex told them it was his first day of work at his new job and that he didn't want to leave early because it would look bad (yeah, I know). A classmate of mine drove me home and stayed with me until my ex got off work. She helped me pack to go to my parents. My ex came and got me and drove me the 90 mins to my parents, I don't remember much about that ride. The next few days were a blur, the funeral seemed like a bad dream. My ex did go with me, but he never cried, never showed emotion. The night before the funeral I asked if he could hang out with me, but he blew me off, it turned out he had a date. He ended up telling me I needed to find a new support system when I got upset.
The sense of loss you feel when you lose two people this close to you is overwhelming. It was at this point that I decided I couldn't lose my ex. Whatever was wrong with him, whatever he was going through, I needed to help him. This brings me to the painful lesson I would eventually learn through all of this: you really can't help someone if they don't want to change, are incapable of change, or if they think there is nothing wrong with them. Some lessons are harder to learn than others, however.
I started reaching out to my ex, trying to spend time with him. He was still seeing his fling off and on. I got him into therapy. This went on for sometime, us being off and on. I realize now that I was the back burner, he was keeping me warm. I was in the perfect state for him, I would have done anything to make things work at this point, I was broken into pieces. In the realm of narcissistic personality disorder, I was the "supply", and I seemed more than willing to put myself through that meat grinder given the circumferences.
During this time of back and forth. My ex would tell me he wanted to make things work, and then I would catch him with this other guy again. He would say they were just friends, etc.. At one point, this guy started showing up at my condo in the middle of the night, he would message me and comment on what I was wearing. I would get a text saying, "I like that red shirt", and I'd look down and I was wearing a red shirt. It got creepy fast, I never knew when I was being watched. One of the dating apps would show how far away people were, down to feet. On multiple occasions I would get a message as I was going to bed, the distance would show under 20 feet away. Those moments were horrific, because it happened on dozens of occasions. I was being stalked.
The messages I was receiving got more and more threatening. I told my ex about it, but he said it wasn't his problem. After one particularly creepy night where it seemed like this guy was in my hallway, I showed my ex all of the messages the next day. He finally told me that this guy hated me with a passion, and said he "didn't think he would actually do anything". I asked him what things he said he was going to do, and then he casually mentioned that this guy had joked about killing me. A few days later I stopped by my ex's place and was ringing the door entry panel, when this guy approached me and started a fight.. he broke my nose and threw me down a flight of stairs. My ex called the police and told me I shouldn't have been there unannounced. He continued seeing this guy.
Now, this guy had been in my school, and had just started taking preliminary classes at the request of my ex. I went to the school counselors and filed a report, he was kicked out of school and banned for two years. I filed a restraining order, but he didn't show up to court for the hearing. The school took it very seriously. Security guards were given his photo and told not to allow him in the building. The stalking did stop finally though.
My ex finally ended things with him, as he started getting more and more violent. My ex would call me saying he was scared of him, that he was there trying to beat the door down. As I'm typing this, I realize that this was probably just a manipulation technique to work on my empathy and to pull me back in. It worked. We talked about how to cut this guy off and what we needed to do to protect my ex from this crazy guy. We started spending more and more time together.
Over the next few months we began spending most of the week together. Things were starting to feel normal again. My ex moved back in with me. Although I was happy, I also was scared, because I knew deep down there was something very wrong. We had already started counseling at my request. His mother was a borderline personality disorder, which we had kind of known before. What we didn't know was how that affected a child raised by one. It would take me a few more years to fully understand the damage she caused.
Things pretty quickly fell apart after he moved back in. The kind, fun person I had known the first 10 years no longer existed. In hindsight, I realize that the kind person was a facade, an act that was used to cover all of the pain and dysfunction that was hiding underneath. After 3 months of living together I asked him to move out in the fall of 2016. I helped him find an apartment and helped him move his things. There I was, alone again, broken..
Despite being separated, we never stopped seeing each other. We regularly made dinner for each other, went and saw movies, camping trips, vacations, family gatherings, etc. I think deep down I held onto hope that therapy would slowly work its magic. I was 39 at the time, and starting over just seemed impossible.
By the end of 2018 we were back in therapy, he had been going off and on since 2015 at this point.. The question was, we can't stop spending time together, where do we go from here? I trusted our therapist, she knew us well. Judging from our sessions and how she conducted them, it seemed as though she believed we could reconcile. I had my concerns, but allowed my fears of being alone and fear of going through the full pain of losing my partner guide my decision making process. I simply could not picture my life without him. I was still trying to get my life back that I knew before 2015. Our therapist told me for this to work, I needed to be fully committed, 100%. (Although, hell, have I not been at this point??) She told me he was likely was developing borderline personality disorder, but that if he continued counseling, he could overcome it.
We decided to give it another go. However, I had been in my small condo for 15 years at this point, and he was in his tiny apartment. We needed a new place, for new memories. I wanted children, it's something we had discussed for years. We decided to buy a house together. I know, I'm rolling my eyes right now too.. We found an amazing house, and within about 6 weeks we were moving in. I was back to feeling as happy as ever. Intimacy, however, never recovered.
For about 6 months, things seemed "normal". However, something this time was different. I was different. I was becoming aware of reality. He had quickly stopped counseling after buying the house, but didn't tell me immediately. I began to notice things he said, little arguments he would start. He would belittle me in small ways. Once I noticed this, I couldn't let it go. He would also gaslight me. He would say something or make plans, and then when I would bring it up later, I was "crazy", because he never said that. I would try to point these things that bothered me out to him, but it would get turned around on me. Why couldn't I let things go, he would say. Also, my items would disappear. Mail would get thrown away, kitchen gadgets tossed. One particular night I wanted to make waffles, and I had a really nice waffle maker my parents got me. I searched and searched, but couldn't find it anywhere. I asked him if he'd seen it, which started a fight. "I didn't touch it! Stop accusing me!". I had only asked him because he had reorganized the kitchen a few weeks earlier. I searched storage, the garage, went through box after box. I looked for several days. After a few days, he said it "might" have been thrown away. Might have?? He said he wasn't sure. After another day of searching, he finally told me he had thrown it away because I rarely used it. When I got upset, he told me that I was too materialistic, and placed too much value on items. This happened dozens of times, and somehow it was always my fault.
By fall of 2019, something strange began happening. I started getting stomache pains. It was enough pain that I thought I should see a doctor. However, I quickly realized that this pain would begin only when my partner was in the room. After that, if he would try to touch me or hold my hand, I would instinctively recoil. I felt horrible about it. I told him to give me space while I figured myself out. I spoke to my therapist about it, and she told me I should read the book, The Body Keeps The Score. I didn't, but it's on my list.
Over the next few months I read several books about relationships. One of them I read twice, Too Good To Leave, To Bad To Stay. I put a lot of effort into figuring out how we could mend and repair all the damage that had been done over the years. I had seen multiple therapists, even a sex therapist. I think I was out on the porch one day, reading my 4th or 5th book, punishing myself for not knowing how to fix things. It was at that point that I realized he was in the house playing video games, had read zero books, sought out no new counseling, had not wanted to initiate any conversations on the topic. Everything rested solely on my shoulders to fix. I realized I was in this relationship alone. It felt like I was living with a roommate because I WAS living with a roommate. This person I loved did not love me, at least not the way I did him. It was a rude awakening, one that I should have realized 5 years earlier.
A few days later I told him I was leaving him, he did not react, he just said ok. Over the next few days and weeks I cried harder than I have ever cried, he didn't. At one point I realized I was having what Oprah called, the ugly cry, it kind of felt good in a way. The pandemic hit a few weeks later, so we were together until June of that summer. We discussed here and there if there were ways to save things. At one point he told me if I worked out more, it might help. It was in moments like that that I knew I was doing the right thing. I was an object to him, if I was a bit shinier I might get more attention.. at least that's what I heard. A few weeks before he moved out, he asked if he could move up to the 3rd floor, because he was sad he wasn't going to get to live in the house anymore. He thought we could be roommates. The problem was, we already WERE roommates, except I was in love with him, and he wasn't with me. Hearing that the house was his biggest concern hurt me deeply. (I had offered to let him keep the house, but he couldn't afford it by himself)
I helped him look for apartments, frequently having to excuse myself as I would break down during the showings. I helped him move his furniture and belongings. However, even after all of this, we continued to spend time together. Movies, dinners, game nights.. I started to experience deep depression after each weekend we spent together. I sought counseling, and slowly I weaned myself from seeing him. I eventually limited myself to 2 hours per week. This made him very angry, even though he was not doing therapy, and wasn't working on the relationship at all.
I realized I was doing the right thing, but I was constantly in my head. How could I leave this person I loved so much. The intense back and forth battle in my head was ferocious. I kept going to counseling, and he helped me to sort those competing thoughts out. I had been maintaining this pristine image of my ex in my head, the facade he had created early on persisted in my mind, and I longed for that perfect person I once knew. Yet the person I know knew on my day to day was this twisted person who seemed foreign to me. It has taken several years for me to meld those two people into one person, the real person.
It's been 3 years since I left him this month. I haven't spoken to him in over a year now. It gets better. There have been days and weeks when I couldn't get out of bed, and felt like I couldn't go on. For a long period the cognitive dissonance was almost beyond what I could handle. I felt like I had passed into an alternate universe, having lost both my brother and my partner. I didn't recognize my life. I had to cut off most of our mutual friends to survive, because they couldn't respect my boundaries. So not only did I miss my ex, but I missed my friends as well.
Your life will collapse as you know it. However, it is this collapse that has to happen in order to build a new, better life. Kind of like a Phoenix, it has to burn before it can rise into it's final form. There were many dark days that I held onto that image in my mind as my depression and sadness raged. The more pain I felt, the more it felt like fire burning away my old life. Let it burn. Feel everything. If anyone who has read this far has been through anything similar, you know what I'm talking about. There is no way around the pain, so walk right through it and feel all of it. The only way around is through.
I truly believe I have been through this for a reason, for something better. This is preparation for what my future holds. I am not the same person now, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I used to fear that I would be alone forever, and it terrified me. Now, it doesn't terrify me as much, but I don't think I will be alone forever, I have a lot to offer.
It has taken a lot of time, but I know understand my ex to be a covert narcissist with BPD. I was manipulated throughout the relationship. I discovered so many lies he had told me during the aftermath of the breakup, it is astounding. I believed every word. When I initially asked him to move in with me, it turned out he had made up a story about his dad kicking him out, and said he couldn't afford an apartment by himself. We went and looked at apartments for several weekends, with him sad he couldn't afford it. It was all a manipulation to coherce me to ask him to move in. There are countless other mainpulations as well. Right before he moved out for the last time, in a moment of what seemed like honesty, he told me he had never loved me, and that he didn't know what love was, but he thought it was a weakness that people had. I still miss him every day, despite the things he did. I now understand that you can love someone, but it doesn't mean you have to keep them in your life.
I have spent the last 3 years learning about myself and improving myself. At 45, I'm in my best shape ever. I've always been athletic, but I took it to a new level. Find something that makes you feel better about yourself, and run with it. I'm planning on finally learning how to play guitar and learn Spanish. I've joined a softball team and a kickball team. You have a blank slate, paint with bright colors and paint a beautiful new life for yourself. Life looks totally different than it used to, but it's slowly beginning to feel like a life again. Dream big!

My husband grandmother passed away this winter & the internment is today. Husband & I are currently NC with JNMIL because she is a raging alcoholic & has drank shamelessly around our baby. She has held him while drunk & doesn’t see any issue with that. Mil is furious with us because “you are bullies for not bringing my grandson to see me” & “hes a baby, he doesnt know im drinking” & “its pretty mean to tell me to change my ways to see the baby, you should love me the way i am.” So we havent seen/spoken to Mil for almost 2 months. She texted my husband the funeral details & he didnt respond to her. We decided it would be best for me to stay home with the baby so she cannot have access to him as we are certain she will be drinking today. On his way to the funeral my husband called his brother to chat & his brother told him MIL was bragging about “stealing” our baby from us today & shes gonna do whatever she wants with him, totally ignore us/ boundaries we have & get in her time with her grandson. She apparently had several family members in on her little plan to “keep us occupied”. I wish I could see the look on her face when she realizes the baby isn’t there… good luck with your plan Mil 🤣
ETA: boundaries we have are ask before you hold baby, dont pass him around, dont kiss him & dont feed him anything.

Last year I turned 20 and a couple weeks later my mother told me that my father had a cancer scare so went got it checked. Doctor said it was 99% not cancer then two weeks later while I was at work I get a phone call it was cancer. Not long after i moved out to go to UNI. The whole time I was at uni I couldn't focus so I left. And then it got worse. Wehn I left and came home I found out my local family like my grandmother and uncles hadn't even bothered to help my mom or dad with my sister(10) or appointments even after being asked and saying they would. This still makes my blood boil. Then after 6 months battling cancer my father died. The whole time every time we met with family it always felt like me, my sister and my mother's feelings didnt matter. Even my father said " when I'm gone they will make it all about themselves and ye will be pushed away" and it happened. Then couple days later we have the funeral my father asked me to read his eulogy at it and I did. After all was said and done. I was reminiscing with my mother and my older half brothers about him when my grandmother comes up and joins in. I'll never forget that conversation for as long as I live I said " at least I got a good 20 years out of him" and she said " well I had him for 40 years" I had never felt such anger in my life.my brother got me to leave the room he could see I was getting really angry the more she spoke. Then the abuse began daily phone calls of how we were the worst people and the reason everything bad ever happened. To say I had a bad year is an understatement. I cut all contact with my dad's family. The anger ate me alive. I went downhill rapidly due to stress and anger. This was happening for the better part of a year. Last month after going back to college I broke down in the kitchen one morning and started counselling and went to my doctor and was diagnosed with depression. And now every once and a while I'll get bouts of anger and I'd love nothing more than to let my dad's family have a piece of my mind for the abuse they gave my mother and sister. But I don't. If anyone has any advice for anything I could do to just stop feeling angry at the thought of them it would be helpful. But this is more of a therapeutic post than anything else. If you read it thanks. Needless to say Theres a lot more this is just a brief overview of the past year.

This is my second attempt. My first was made on impulse a few weeks ago, but this time I'm insuring it'll work.
I figured I'd leave some kinda record about myself so here it is. It's gonna be pretty long, but it's for me so can't say I'm sorry about that. Though I will say one thing if you're someone near the edge and about to be where I am get help. Get all the damn help you can and then some, talk to your friends, family, a camp counselor, the fucking guy at the 7/11. Watch a Jordan Peterson or David Goggins video(I don't like either guy but I couldnt give a shit what will help you), watch a haha funny video to relax a bit, or just go for a walk until you get tired enough to be sure where your heads at. There's beauty in life and it's worth at least trying to find it.
Now that that's out of the way I can be a selfish narcissist and focus on me. Growing up I had a cartoonishly abusive dad. He had the Burt Reynolds stash, hawaiian shirts, pack of cigs a day, always gambling variety douchebag dad. Kinda funny visualizing him now funny enough you get the sense that he smells like overly pungent cologne to cover up the cigarette smell. He would beat me and my mother, and basically drain her of money to gamble it all in a weekend. I think my most pronounced memory of the man is of him beating me and my mother with a chair, and then using me as a prop to hustle money from strangers on a really hot summer day.
My mother? Well as bad as she took she dished it out well herself. She was physically and emotionally abusive herself. She'd blame me for all her relationship failures. She blamed me for my father and any other man for that matter who didn't want her. One day after a particularly bad separation from my father since he disappeared for years at a time out of nowhere she took me to the top of a parking garage. She looked me right in my eyes and said "We should both jump". That sorta behavior from her was pretty common throughout my entire life around her.
Fast forward to 12 years old and I'm being fed a nice hearty diet of McDonalds and other really great for you food. So I end up being a fat kid for a big chunk of my life with hormones that probably have more in common with the ingredients of a Burger king oreo shake than a regular young man. My mother did her role of making fun of my weight too regardless of the fact she was fat as well.
When I hit highschool my mother, her new partner, and myself moved into my grandparents. I lived on the couch and they got their own room. They chose to not work for 6 whole years. I went into the worst depression one could imagine, I don't even remember the faces of anyone as I slept the entirety of most of my classes because I couldn't sleep at home. I hit 17 and I was expected to get a job to help my mother and her partner move out. I couldn't even finish school, and here I was paying off two grown adults lives like a slave.
So after 6 months of work I pay off the down payment of their apartment, pay half of the rent, and am now living in a town where I knew no one. And after a few years of this I began the biggest redemption arc I could possibly do. I got in shape, I moved out, I went to culinary school, I got with enough people to satisfy the lack of relationships I didn't have when I was younger, lived in Europe for a few years, I got married(didn't work out but whatrya gonna do), and I had some money in my pocket.
But I wasn't happy. I was not happy? What the fuck why? I did everything I'm supposed to I got out why am I not happy? Well I went to a therapist to find out why, and the man turned out to be a convicted drug peddler. The guy was caught because he was playing up peoples fears in order to hawk drugs onto them. In my case I told him I was having nightmares about an asteroid hitting the Earth and assassins trying to kill me at night yknow goofball shit. He told me "Oh my that makes a lot of sense!". So yea great guy.
Then at 24 I my now ex-girlfriend. Don't worry this isn't going to be a big diatribe about how my hearts been broken as it's a bit more complicated than that. When we were first around each other on a date I had a panic attack a severe one, and you know what she did? She took me to In N Out to talk about it. What the fuck? Who does that? Some spaz guy you just met is having a panic attack and you decide to take him to get food and just... listen? Nobody I have ever met in my life had ever done something even approximating that who I even knew for a long time. I was recently going through heartbreak, but I felt something strangely quickly with this person.
Fast forward a few months and we're madly in love. I truly deeply loved this person, and I needed to be sure before I told her and when I did it changed both our lives. After a year give or take we moved in together to her parents home(rich kid which was really a big trip for me because I had obviously grown up in far less than affluent circumstances). She wanted to be the bread winner and I'd be the "house husband" in her words. Well we make this work for a good long while, and we were happy. Yes there were problems and neither of us were either now or then idealized people, but we were happy and were making it work. I was in the greatest shape of my life, I was motivated, and I was forgetting the past.
Then the sadness came back. It was like it was telling me "Hey brother remember me? Sorry if you didn't". I was going to fix it this time. I was not going to allow this nonsense to break everything I had achieved, and I would do it for her. I had to try. I went to another Psychiatrist and when I only began telling my story to her and that I possibly had PTSD she held a hand up to me and said "Stop, if it was that easy to get PTSD everyone in Africa would have PTSD". After I finished my story she said "You may have PTSD" so you gotta imagine the topsy turvical state that put my brain into. She prescribes 3 drugs at once for me which was terrifying, but I wanted to trust the system for my girlfriend. I needed to.
The drugs gave me an adverse reaction and it put me in the mental hospital for a week because I had suicidal thoughts. I know its ironic to say it now, but I did not have suicidal thoughts. At least not really feeling like it. Well I get out and I'm in a bad way for a few weeks after and began going on a massive recovery spree. It took a few months but I was back to it, and I was hitting the ground running again and even taking college classes. This was in March 2020. I hope you all remember that date because that's the month COVID hit.
Things began to rapidly unravel. My girlfriend got her first job at Walmart and I could see her mental state deteriorate before me not just due to the job but also what was happening to the world around us. It was also the beginning of her physical abuse. She came home from a particularly bad shift at work one day and punched me in the gut. I was mad, I was furious, but I also forgave her. On some level I wanted to understand because the world was going to complete shit and I told her as long as she got help I'd forgive her. It kept happening. The second time she attacked me I told her I was leaving, but she went into our closet banged her head against the wall and said she would kill herself. She would hit me with pad locks, serrated edged spatulas, hair dryers, fists. I didn't leave I needed to protect her and beyond that I loved her more than life itself.
The years go on and she began becoming truly abusive especially since she hadn't achieved her dream job yet. Then one day she did. And things were good again, they were like the old days. But then things started to fall apart for her. Her job began to resent her and feel like she didn't fit in, and her old habits of abuse were back with a vengeance. During this time period two of my friends had become drug addicts and one killed themself. So I was feeling more and more alone and broken.
We're in mid 2022 now and I'm a severe depression, I wasn't taking care of myself, playing videogames every day, resenting my girlfriend for her actions, and feeling truly alone. I retreated from the world and everything around me just seemed like some sort of dream. I was the rock for both of us in our relationship and I had stayed strong for her, every time she failed, every time she hit me, every time I was there for her. I was far from perfect, but something that can never be taken from me was I took care of the both of us.
It felt like everything I had worked for was falling down apart around me, and I'll be frank it was. Fast forward to May this year and I had truly degenerated from all of my progress. My girlfriend had lost attraction to me, and wanted me gone. Well this itself would've been fine despite the fact that much of this was due to her actions towards me. For example when I told her about one of my friends suicide she made it about herself, and didn't listen to me whatsoever. And even tried to refuse taking us to my grandfathers funeral.
Well what she chose to do was to project her abuse onto me. She claimed I was emotionally abusive for having not been on top of chores after the severe amount of depression I had gotten into in the past year. I became extremely depressed from this and while I was leaving we had a massive fight where both of us yelled at each other, and then well I had to leave. I had to leave the home I had for 4 years. My cats, my fiancee(she asked me to marry her in april which is another kick to the balls), everything. I had no money to my name because she threatened suicide once if I got a job because she wanted me to be home to take care of her, and she did ask me to get work in the last 6 months but I was beyond depressed.
Then after I had left the home I had found out she got a restraining order on me for yelling at her. I'm serious even I couldn't believe it was over there I felt gaslit to shit. And for an entire month I was already dead. I just couldn't believe this was happening. We get to the court date and I tell the judge how this was an attempt to obfuscate her own physical abuse to me and to give her credit she admitted this was true. That she was the abusive one towards me. I appreciate that she at least gave me that. I was able to at least have a cleared name of something I didn't do and say my piece.
The happiness I felt for winning lasted exactly 10 minutes. It was in that moment I realized "Well, it doesn't change anything. Your life is over". It is over. I'm already dead. I don't mean I'm just a bit sad I mean I am dead. I've done the lets start over thing before, and I don't have it in me anymore. I just don't. I lost the person I loved to a world that warped her into someone she wasn't and maybe that's my idealized view of her, but it's how I see it. I still love her, and I still know there's good in her. End of the day though is that I'm penniless, homeless, and basically waiting for death to come to me anyway.
Well that about wraps this up. I hope that anyone who reads this doesn't interpret that motivational shit I said at the beginning as a cynical thing. I had a beautiful life at many times, and if someone as idiotic as me could do it? I'm more than certain you can too. I was born broken, I don't know if it was my environment, my genes, both? Hell. maybe a fair amount of bad luck. Who knows. But I couldn't be happy and every chance I had to be happy it was taken away from me.
Well that's it. Goodbye, and if you get the chance watch the show "The Terror" Season 1. Wonderful show it is probably the best piece of media ever made. It's a lot more positive if you look at it from the angle of "Look what we can achieve when we trust and work together".

Chapter VI
The first land we sighted after leaving Sydney was the Three Kings, New Zealand. We had run before a fair wind up to this time, and had come into what was regarded as a good whaling ground. Now every eye was scanning the horizon, since a bottle of grog was promised to the man who should first sight a whale. I had been on the port watch since I came on board under Mr Hawkins, the chief mate, and one evening, just as our watch below was ending, I went aloft to see the sun set. Against the broad, red horizon I saw some dark objects spouting and tumbling. In an instant I had shouted “Whales ho!” to claim the bottle of grog. “Where away?” was the skipper's question. “On the lee bow, sir.” For an instant he scanned the spot with his glass, an anxious moment for me lest I should have mistaken a shoal of porpoises for a school of whales, and not only lose my prize but expose myself to the ridicule of my fellow sailors. “Right you are, it's whales, sure enough; you have won your grog, lad.”
We had no time to lose; the night would soon be on us, and our chance would be lost. Down went the boat with Ned Farne, our harpooner, in the bows ready to launch his weapons when opportunity offered. On came the school, tumbling and blowing, throwing jets of water ten or fifteen feet into the air, causing a very grand yet terrible scene. At length they got almost within range; the boys were pulling like mad to keep up with the pace the whales were swimming at. We saw Ned rise up in the bows, poise his arm back for an instant, then launch the harpoon straight for the huge back of the fish that was nearest to him. The aim was true, the missile was buried over the barb in the soft blubber beneath the outer skin, and away went the whale dragging the harpoon rope after it so rapidly that they had to pour water upon the side of the boat to prevent it from igniting, through the violent friction. Again the huge creature rose to breathe, and another harpoon was driven into it, causing it once more to rush away through the water at lightning speed. Darkness fell over the scene before they had killed it, and the boat remained by the carcase all night to prevent it sinking. When morning came it was a busy scene on board, preparing to cut it in and try it out. At length the task was completed, and five large sacks of oil were secured; not a large yield certainly, but the foretaste of better things, we hoped. We cruised over the same ground for several days, but saw no more whales, accordingly we stretched across to Curtis' Island, about 500 miles to the north-east, where in about a month we got five or six more, some of them giving very fair yields of oil. After this we ran down upon Norfolk Island, where we fell in with the Mercury, schooner, Captain Barnet, also on a whaling cruise from Tasmania. From her we shipped two additional hands, and then made for Moreton Bay, on the coast of Queensland. Here not a solitary fish was to be seen, therefore we ran back for our old ground off Curtis' Island. Scarcely had we arrived when we fell in with a heavy gale from the north-east, raging for twenty days, in which we had to heave to, not being able to show a rag of sail. On the 21st day, when the wind began to lull, we found ourselves off the Three Kings, a drift of more than 500 miles. We had shipped such heavy seas, and the force of the storm had been so great, that our tryworks had been carried away, and three of our boats stove in. Therefore we bore up for the Bay of Islands, where we arrived on the 10th of April, 1811, anchoring as before off Te Puna. We were the only vessel in the bay at the time, though others entered during our stay.
The same day that we reached our anchorage a chief named Taua Makia came aboard to take care of us and watch over our interests, lest we should be swindled in trade or otherwise maltreated. This considerate proceeding was not disinterested, but the ‘consideration’ expected was not large. The Skipper ordered a boat to go ashore and bring a load of gravel to serve as shot for our guns since this had been omitted in the ship's supplies, and the natives were not to be trusted, even though we had a protector. The news had spread like wild-fire that a ship was at anchor in the bay, and already scores of canoes were being launched to pay a visit to the pakeha, but we loaded our guns, and pointing them astern, ordered all the visitors to keep back, which, after a little demur and grumbling they did. Nevertheless, all throughout our stay, they never desisted in the attempt to get on board, considering it a gross breach of hospitality on our part to deny them the privilege. As our example was imitated by Captain Walker, of the Endeavour brig, that came in a few days after us, having on board two missionaries for Tahiti - Messrs Davidson and Williams - the natives concluded that in us they had got a very bad and uncivil customer to deal with.
Meantime we had commenced work upon the repairs of the vessel. Nearly all our spars had been carried away, together with our jibboom and some of the bulwarks; we had lost every boat but one, and small leaks were demanding attention, We bad two sawyers on board, and as Captain Walker had three whom he lent us for the time, our skipper thought it best to put the ship thoroughly to rights here, in place of putting back to Sydney. Accordingly, the sawyers went ashore, rigged up the pits, and commenced work vigorously. But the Maoris did not exactly see the force of this. They imagined that we were concocting some diabolic scheme of destruction against them in making such extensive preparations, which they considered as in some way identified with our worship. They pulled down the works and threatened to kill the sawyers if they attempted to resume operations. But a volley from the vessels soon scattered them, and a strong guard being picked from the crews of both ships, they were hereafter permitted to labour uninterruptedly. During this time, I had considerable liberty granted to me to go ashore, or to go fishing with Taua Makia. The first time I availed myself of the former privilege, I received as great a scare as ever I had in my life. Three of us had been wandering about in a bit of bush near the Keri-Keri River, trying to find our way back to the saw-pits, when suddenly we issued upon a cleared space, in which were a few houses and patches of cultivation. Before the entrance to one of the whares stood a band of females crowned with chaplets of green leaves, and wringing their hands. One of these, an elderly woman, who seemed to act as chief mourner upon the occasion, and had a chaplet of dog's hair round her temples, different from the others, advanced in front and began to throw her arms about, raising her head and eyes to heaven. Whilst doing this, in a very plaintive quavering tone, she commenced a wailing song, in which she was joined by her companions. I was afterwards initiated into this, and now give a specimen of a funeral lament: -
Taku hei he piripiri (my fragrant bundle the piripiri) Taku hei moki-moki (my fragrant bundle the mokimoki) Taku hei tawiri (my fragrant bundle the tawiri) Taku kati taramea (my sweet juice of the taraniea) Te hei o te pounamu (the companion of the greenstone) I haramai ai - e (is gone - alas, upon) I runga te angai-ia-ana (the angai-e-).
It was the tangi, or wail for the dead. But at this period I knew nothing of Maori customs or ceremonies, and my very hair began to rise with horror as I thought perhaps they might be celebrating some human sacrifices. Our fear kept us quiet. In the thick bush we lay watching the scene, overshadowed by the gloom of a gigantic kauri-tree, and wishing ourselves anywhere but in our present predicament. When the sorrowful song was ended, and the females had entered the whare, we noiselessly strove to retrace our steps, and chance favouring us, we came out a mile or two from where the sawyers were at work. As I afterwards discovered, no duty is so sacred or so obligatory as the interment of the dead, no trouble being considered too great, no expense too excessive, no lamentation too extreme to testify to the respect in which the deceased was held on earth, and to raise him in the estimation of the mysterious spirits to whom he had gone. Taua Makia sometimes went with us fishing to induce the prey to come upon hooks by the constant chanting of Karakias or incantations, supposed to have a very potent influence over the finny tribe. I cannot say we were ever very successful when he was with us, since the noise he made and the fishing gear he would insist upon employing were neither conducive to lure the fish to our bait, nor to hold them when they were hooked. But this, of course, may have been merely an ignorant pakeha's prejudice, since many a lusty kahawai or schnapper, have I caught with a hook made from a dead man's bone. Don't wince, reader; better, is it not, to be put to some use after death, than to feed a legion of hungry worms.
We began to mix a little with the natives when ashore, and I grew more familiarised with their ways. We attended their baptisms, He Tohi, and gave presents to the infant, that it never enjoyed; we consulted the Niu, or divining sticks, whether we should reach home in safety; we were present at their marriage tauas, when the bride was carried off by main force sometimes minus her clothing, finally we were guests at their hakaris, or feasts, and could vouch for the excellence of Maori culinary skill. But we shall have enough of these in the course of the narrative, the reader shall eat and drink to his heart's content but at present we must keep to the thread of our story.
In a fortnight the sawyers had finished their work ashore, a week more completed the repairs aboard, and whatever little trade we had carried on completed, the skipper thought of standing out to sea again. In some mysterious way or other, I had offended the old bosun of our ship, and he had persecuted me with most relentless malice. Nothing I could do was right, the rope's end was my daily sauce, and complaints about my laziness were continually being carried to the captain. At length one day, irritated by their constant occurrence, he said when another of my misdeeds was laid before him, “String him up then, and give him a dozen.” This was just what the bosun wanted; and in a trice he strung me up to the mast, and a good round dozen I received, being only released when nearly fainting with pain and shame. He had got the best of it just now; my day of retribution came again. Now, this method of instructing me in navigation was by no means to my taste, and as two of our men had absconded the day previous, concealed, as was thought, in the bush, I imagined I could emulate their example, perhaps, to join them. At least, I should first go to the Endeavour, as she lay nearer the shore, if not, the bush it must be. Therefore, waiting my opportunity, about 3 o'clock one morning I slipped overboard and swam noiselessly to the companion ship. As I came alongside puffing and blowing, thoroughly exhausted with the long swim, and almost inclined to give up the business, the carpenter, who was acting as bosuns mate in the Endeavour for the time, saw me, and flung me a rope, by which I climbed on deck. I told him my story, and as he was a decent sort of a fellow, he was slipping me quietly along the deck to the foc'sle, when the second mate saw us and demanded to know what I wanted there. With my usual readiness, I invented a tale of a morning swim and exhaustion, but the story would not hold water, and the captain was informed of my arrival. As soon as morning broke he sent over to the Harwich, telling Captain Simmons that I was on board his vessel, and about nine our skipper came over with two men to take me back. Reluctantly enough I went, as I knew a flogging was in store for me, but to my surprise the captain only took me into his cabin and rated me soundly for my foolhardiness in risking my life thus, telling me I escaped a flogging by his having discovered many of the bosuns stories to be untrue. My condition was now better on board, as I was taken aft, and kept under the captain's own eye. My enemy, the bosun, was speechless with rage, yet he was powerless now to do me harm.
About a week after this the Endeavour sailed, Captain Walker having come on board the Harwich and taken a very friendly farewell of our skipper, and a fortnight afterwards we followed suit, going back to our old cruising ground at the Three Kings. The weather was very uncertain and squally, so that we did not see any whales; therefore we stretched over to Norfolk Island, and speedily were busy at work.
The first day we arrived we secured three whales, which we cut in and tried out, the third day two more, and the fifth day another. Then our luck seemed to change, and not a solitary fish could we see for an entire month. We tried all our former grounds, Curtis' Island, Moreton Bay, Three Kings, to no purpose, only when off the East Cape did we catch sight of a small whale, which we secured but only got one barrel of oil from it. The weather now began to be very stormy; winter was at its depth, and the air was piercingly cold. Therefore Captain Simmons concluded to break the cruise, to run for Sydney, discharge his cargo of oil, and commence anew. Another consideration, also, was that several of the men were very ill with scurvy and dysentry - in fact, the crew was only at half at its usual complement, therefore the cry was “about ship,” and “Sydney ho!”
It was whilst running home before a fine fresh breeze, that one night we were knocked up by Mr Hawkins singing out, “Ship on fire on the weather bow.” The shock was electrical. Everyone bundled out of their hammocks and rushed on deck. There on the horizon was a grand and terrible spectacle. A large ship was burning from stem to stern, lighting up the gloom of the winter's night for miles around, throwing a deep lucid glare over the inky ocean. The flames were bursting up the hatches, were licking the masts and spars, were peeping out in little forked tongues through the portholes. The captain ordered lights to be burned at the masthead, blank charges to be fired from the guns every minute, and the jolly-boat to be manned and to go in search of survivors. In an hour our efforts were rewarded by three boat-loads of fear-stricken men boarding us and asking reception. They informed us that the burning ship was the “Lady Lucy” from Sydney to London, that she had caught fire when a week out, from a burning candle falling into an oil cask, and that over 50 lives had already been lost through the capsizing of two of their boats. Captain Simmons made them welcome, and a few days after we reached Sydney, where they were taken in hand by the Government and forwarded home by the next vessel. Thus ended my voyage in the Harwich, perhaps the most pleasant of all my trips.

Link to article: https://www.dropbox.com/s/7a3jg85eroufam5/AG%20-%20David%27s%20Bridal%20-%20Flyer%20-%2005-24-23%20v2.pdf?dl=0
Link to the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZywAaAjNcU&feature=youtu.be
David's Bridal Closing List:
Alabama
Montgomery, AL
Arkansas
Jonesboro, AR
California
Chico, CA
Los Angeles, CA
Oxnard, CA
Colorado
Colorado Springs, CO
Florida
Pensacola, FL
Port Orange, FL
West Melbourne, FL
Georgia
Atlanta, GA
Columbus, GA
Hawaii
Pearl City, HI
Iowa
Davenport, IA
Marion, IA
Sioux City, IA
Illinois
Champagain, IL
Lombard, IL
Springfield, IL
Vernon Hills, IL
Indiana
Clarksville, IN
Lafayette, IN
Kansas
Topeka, KS
Kentucky
Paducah, KY
Louisiana
Bossier City, LA
Massachuessts
North Dartmouth, MA
Missouri
Columbia, MO
St. Petres, MO
Mississippi
Hattiesburg, MS
Tupelo, MS
Montana
Billings, MT
Nebraska
Lincoln, NE
New York
Blasdell, NY
Horesheeds, NY
Ohio
Mayfield Heights, OH
Strongsville, OH
West Chester, OH
Oregon
Eugune, OR
South Carolina
Spartanburg, SC
South Dakota
Rapid City, SD
Texas
Abilene, TX
College Station, TX
Corpus Christi, TX
Hurst, TX
Utah
Layton, UT
Orem, UT
Virginia
Hampton, VA
Roanoke, VA
Vermont
South Burlington, VT
Wisconsin
Madison, WI

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