Miss kitty's hair salon

I'm considering coming out of stealth (basically I moved far away from where anyone knew me before my transition and don't tell anyone who I can avoid telling). I don't think it suits me. I constantly feel on edge and it's hard to make connections like that. Worrying about if my hair or glasses or mask will get me clocked weighs on me everyday when I leave home.
I fear for my future (and current) safety in my state, but I have a plan to leave in the next few years. The entire purpose of stealth was for me was to stay safe. And although I have no delusions that the "safe states" will stay safe, stealth is almost as bad for me some days as very early transition was.
Moving away was very hard too. I haven't made hardly any friends since I moved, and I don't know how to make friends as an adult with no spare time.
I want to start by coming out to some of my partner's family and slowly going from there. I need to ask one of them for legal advice regarding medical decisions anyways, so I feel like that's a good place to start.
It was really hard being stealth for this past year. I had to tell white lies to lots of people when I had surgery (because people are nosey and then others overhear those conversations). Just making the decision feels like a weight off of my chest.
Stealth is a great choice for some people, but I guess I've come to the realization that it's not for me. Maybe I just couldn't get over the adjustment period, maybe I miss the community, maybe something else.
I will have 2 more surgeries this year, which will hopefully end the chapter of my life involving surgical transition. I'll still have to take hormones every week for the rest of my life, but that seems like such a small thing. I want transitioning to be a part of my past, but not something I have to hide anymore.
I want the next chapters of my life to be moving to a place where I want to settle down, not somewhere where I have to hide again.

You Matter to Her in a Way No One Else Could
When you died and were reborn, you became divine. You were love, and you were violence, and you were my miracle. A God sprung forth from the decaying machinery of your broken body. Koishi, the God of Love and Hate—have mercy on us all.
Down by the shore of one of the great Lunar seas, there sat a lonely shack thatched with feathers. Inside, there was a massive wani no less than eight leagues long… and her infant son. To that crocodile who had never known true familial love, that delicate little child—who cooed and smiled at his mother’s every move—was nothing less than a miracle. Such a delicate life in her claws, who knew nothing but unconditional love for his mother—to the crocodile, it was proof there was still good in the world.
She was tired, but the crocodile forced herself to stay awake. There was something she needed to do—a memory she wanted to share with the most important person in her life.
So, with all the caution and tenderness in the world, she picked up her child with her jaws and coaxed him into her throat pouch. The newborn child, perhaps having some shared instinct with his crocodilian mother, did not cry or struggle. Instead, he let out a giggle as he poked his head out from between his mother’s jagged teeth. With a snort, the dragon climbed out of her thatch hut, and crawled along the shore, drawing a meandering trail in the sand as she went.
When she reached the point where the water came to shore in gentle waves, the crocodile set herself down in the sand, letting the waves wash in and lick at her child in gentle sprays. Her child giggled as the Lunar sea’s tickled him with its pure waters, and as he did, his mother couldn’t help but feel at peace.
Nothing. Nothing at all would be able to take this from her.
Her miracle.
Toyohime opened her eye to clear blue skies.
She flexed her fingers, and instead of feeling the cold steel of the ship she started to tear apart, she felt so many tiny pebbles, warmed by their time in the sun. Sand? She brought a fistful of the stuff into her vision, before letting it fall through her fingers and run down her face. It was too real to be a dream.
Toyohime sat up to observe her surroundings. As far as the eye could see, there were infinite stretches of sand collected into wind-swept dunes that obscured the horizon. It was hot. Unbelievably so for what was supposedly the void. She felt a gentle gust of warm wind pass by her and toss her hair. This place… this impossible place… was she dead?
She rose to her feet, fighting biting aches and pains from her battle not too long ago. No—not dead. Somehow, she had survived—there was no other explanation. And as she looked down to assess the damage she had taken, her suspicions were only confirmed. Her right arm was missing, and in its place was nothing but a healed stump. The nasty cuts and bruises she had received in the fighting had all healed over for the most part, the only evidence they happened at all being residual scars that were yet to disappear. The ground was covered in dried blood. She must’ve been laying here in this sand trap for hours.
She brought her free arm, completely healed, up to the general space where her right eye was to find an arrow still protruding from it. Wrapping her fingers around the shaft, Toyohime tore it out in a fluid motion, causing the wound to reopen and drip blood onto the sands below. But, through some miraculous action, it was mere moments before the flow of blood stopped as the wound healed shut. Her right eye was still inoperable, but this healing ability was downright uncanny, even for a god.
She flexed her fingers. It felt like there was a hole in her head from which memories and feelings poured out. The mystery of how she got here, who she killed, and whether she could even trust her own senses had no answer—Toyohime knew she herself had made sure of that. She supposed there was a good reason. The less she knew, the better. That was something she could trick herself into believing.
Though no matter how much she forced herself to forget, she had the horrible feeling she had done something unforgivable—something she would kill over. In a sea of atrocities however, she could hardly even begin to suppose what that might have been. Maybe the heat was starting to fry her brain.
After spending a few minutes snapping the arrows lodged in her body by their shafts, Toyohime looked to the horizon, and then up. Ahead, there was a massive sand dune, no less than five times her height, and beyond the crest—a black pillar of smoke. Toyohime was not alone.
As she made her way up the shifting incline, Toyohime got to thinking about her next course of action. If this wasn’t a hallucination, then it most certainly had to be some extension of Koishi's will. Land in an impossible space… the creation of something impossible like that could only be a factor of a deteriorating mind, or God. And Toyohime had no time to consider the possibility of a crumbling psyche—not when she had a duty left unfulfilled.
But then… that would mean this was the paradise of Koishi’s mind. Surely, by her side is where she would find her salvation. She had already come to terms with it—that there was nothing left for her in the old world. Koishi could pervert and corrupt reality in whatever twisted ways she wanted—as long as it was the creation of her heart, it would be sufficient. Everything beyond that was not worth saving to the former princess.
… But that also meant there would be more enemies. More people she had to kill. She was ready. Ready to kill and ready to die in the name of love.
And as she planted her boot upon the peak of that sand dune, she saw the whole world become bare before her. A fair distance away was the crashed wreck of a golden ship, releasing plumes of black smoke as it burnt away. From this distance, it was difficult to make out any finer details, but she was sure the occupants had escaped. Satori was resourceful and stubborn, if nothing else. Dying in a crash was an impossibility.
She then traced a line from the ship through the shifting sands—to a city upon the horizon. Massive towers of glass and steel pushing against the sky, half buried in the sand, bending light around them as they reflected the intense heat of the sun. It gave the sight an unnatural fuzziness, as if the city was threatening to disappear at any moment.
As she traced the decaying visage of those buildings upwards, she saw a thin line reach beyond and into the sky. The line separated into two before converging back on itself. Above the city, etched upon the sky itself, was a pitch black gap in reality, opened and filled with so many eyes. And above still, the object of Toyohime’s desires and her sole driving factor—Koishi Komeiji.
Though the God’s eye was open, as well as the myriad collection of smaller eyes and drooling jaws that had lined every square inch of her squirming appendages, it was hard to tell if she was awake or conscious. Toyohime knew Koishi best, and if she had any guess as to what Koishi had been doing in the time they spent apart, it was receding back into the numbing comfort of her own mind. Even now, Toyohime figured she was still dreaming, avoiding the cruel weight of her responsibility. What manifested outside of her mind must’ve been some sort of twisted runoff.
Down there, hidden in the dunes, Toyohime knew there were those who would take this dream from Koishi. Those who would hurt Koishi. Those people would’ve done just as well to dig their own graves and build their own coffins. Because so long as Toyohime drew breath, she would protect Koishi with everything she could muster—that was her promise and the nature of her impossible, unconditional love.
Koishi was Toyohime’s second chance.
This time, one way or another, there would be no opportunity for a third.
Mima, on the other hand, had woken up quite a bit earlier than Toyohime had.
She had not suffered any fatal wounds or debilitating strikes leading up to the point where the reality around her started to crumble and distort—but she had briefly lost consciousness regardless. She figured that might’ve been a good thing; an action so absurd and so against everything she knew, perpetrated by an impossibly powerful being… even if a mere glimpse didn’t physically tear her mind to ribbons, she had no interest in trying to understand such a nonsensical event.
Mima awoke not in a desert, but in a grand sprawling city of seemingly human construction. Though the sun still hung overhead, the impossible hills and mountains of sand that caged the city in, always seemed to shift and move in the most calculated way… such that the sun was always put out. Caught in the shade, the city looked like it was in a perpetual night, in spite of the blinding yellow of the endless desert just beyond its limits.
Though that was the case, the city was far from dark. Street lamps, blinding neon signs, blinking traffic lights, apartments and houses with windows illuminated by the fluorescent lights within… It gave the impression the city was alive. It seemed exactly as a real bustling city at night, with its breathing and blinking—but there were no people. No matter how far Mima walked, no matter how many buildings she popped in, she would encounter no souls. She would find, in those buildings, immaculate setpieces filled with lived-in charm, hints and implications of life—but not people. Not even Yukari, who she wandered the streets in search of.
She recognized this place. This city—Tokyo. It couldn’t have possibly been, but it was the same Tokyo she grew up in, back before the Moonlight Descent and before the Kaiju. Before her chance meeting with the youkai who used to be her friend. This city, trapped in the middle of the desert, caught in an artificial night that obscured the flow of time—somehow it managed to be the perfect recreation of a long lost city, as if someone had taken a scalpel to the part of Mima’s brain that held onto the precious memories of her past life. It was comforting, being back in familiar territory, but it also carried along a pervasive uneasiness. The nostalgia said it was real, but the rational mind knew better than to buy into an impossible mirage—made all the more uneasy by the deathly silence of its streets.
After wandering around for a dozen minutes or more, Mima eventually came to find Yukari in a 24-hour fast food joint. She was sitting, out of her suit and miraculously healed, on a stool that faced the street outside, with her head down and a small pool of drool collecting at the point where the corner of her mouth met the countertop. Renko always said Maribel could fall asleep anywhere.
Mima floated back and forth around the gently snoring form of Yukari for a bit, considering her options. She changed back into her Renko form for a second, and after adjusting her hat a little, she reached over to tap Yukari on the shoulder… but then shied away. Glancing at Yukari, then back to her bag, she rummaged through its bottomless contents and pulled out a whole host of items: hand mirrors, makeup kits, two liter bottles of listerine, mints and peppermint breath spray and assorted beauty products.
She stole a quick glance back at Yukari to make sure she was asleep before going at it—in one go, she dumped every minty product she could into her mouth before swishing the unholy mixture in her mouth. It was not a moment later that she coughed out all of that liquid ice with a retch and a gag. Sheepishly, she turned her head to see if Yukari had woken up in all the commotion. Luckily, she was still knocked out something fierce. Mima might’ve guessed she was dead, if it weren’t for the occasional snore.
Undeterred, she opened a hand mirror and began to apply her makeup. Carefully. There was a subtle art to it—she only needed enough to hide any unsightly blemishes she might’ve gotten from her rather shut-in lifestyle as a ghost. Anything more, and Maribel was bound to notice Mima was purposefully fixing her appearance around her. None of that. Mima was trying for a more subliminal approach… It’s what worked in the past, after all.
Well, upon further thought, Mima figured “worked” was too strong a word. She did die before she saw any results, after all. But enough of that, Mima thought—now that she regained her memories, she’s finally gotten another shot. This being the apocalypse and all, she figured she should probably make it count.
She clicked close her portable hand mirror and, along with the rest of her stuff, threw it back into her field bag. She stole one last glance at Yukari, who was still sleeping soundly, before straightening her hat and clearing her throat.
“Maribel…” she said in a quiet, sing-song voice. She placed a hand on Yukari’s shoulder and gave it a gentle shake. “Maribel, wake up.”
No response. Mima pouted as she shook her around again. “Merry? It’s so scary around here—I need someone super strong and amazing by my side. Maybe we could hold hands?”
Nothing but more snoring. Mima’s expression fell. “... Okay, seriously. Wake up.”
“Don’t make me break out the big guns, Merry,” Mima said, digging through her bag and pulling out an airhorn. “I’ll do it. You think I’m bluffing?”
A tense beat passes. Mima stows away the airhorn. “... Ah, I’m just kidding. I wouldn’t do something like that to you. You’re too cute, hehe.”
“I’m not above this, though.” She reaches back into her bag and pulls out a spray bottle filled with water… before giving Yukari’s face a couple of quick spritzes.
That quiet, tranquil expression to Mima seemed almost a timeless representation of the relationship she shared with Maribel quickly contorted into one of disgust. After a moment of being pelted with spray after spray of water droplets, Yukari finally was roused from her sleep, a squinty, grouchy mess.
“Who..? Urgh…” She mumbled with a groan. When Yukari saw Renko, immaculately constructed before her with enough accuracy to convince her she came straight from her memories, she froze. Her voice was barely above a whisper. “... Renko?”
“Hehe… Yep, it’s me! Your best friend. Best girl-friend, even. That is, a girl who is also a friend. Not a girlfriend, you know? Aha… Unless? Kidding, kidding.” Mima flashed an easy smile. “Glad you’re awake. Hey, before you say anything else—how do I look? I look cute, right? I know we’re in the middle of saving the world and everything, but I’ve actually been spending a lot of time taking care of my appearance.”
As Mima continued to ramble on and Yukari continued to wake up, her expression made a slow and gradual pivot. Where at first Yukari couldn’t hide her bemusement from her face—as well as that strange pained expression someone would have, seeing a loved one they have long since finished mourning appear upon their doorstep—she eventually came to settle on an empty stare and a neutral, apathetic expression. It hurt Mima a little, seeing such a radical turn in her demeanor.
“Oh,” Yukari muttered. “It’s just you.”
Mima didn’t think she intended it, but there was a layer of latent annoyance in her words. Or maybe it was disappointment? A thousand years or more apart did a lot to shift their relationship. That much was clear—and it hurt.
Yukari took a moment to look Mima up and down. With a scoff and a roll of her eyes, she delivered an unceremonious answer. “You look fine.”
Mima sighed in response. “Hey, I’ll take it.”
“More importantly…” As Yukari continued, she craned her neck around to absorb every detail of her surroundings: everything from the light fixtures above to the tables that were so meticulously set and prepared. “... Where are we?”
Her eyes naturally gravitated toward the front counter and the kitchen section that was just behind—meticulously wrapped burgers and fresh fries, set underneath heat lamps… it was as if they were all made recently. But that wasn’t even the strangest detail Yukari’s eyes were able to pick out. Upon one of the tables was a tray, filled with half eaten food—as if the patrons ceased to exist in the middle of their meal. This was beyond a mere liminal space, where it gave the impression of once being a place where people gathered—it was closer in relation to the scene of an ongoing disaster, where people had left in a hurry.
In that way, it didn’t carry much of the surreal quality of a place no longer meant for humans—it more so felt like a place with a cursed history, its sinister and mysterious narrative etched into its skin and flesh through the vestiges of human presence. Mima could tell, being a ghost herself, there was more to this place than the physical construction. As to what ‘more’ was, she could not place.
She could tell Yukari was thinking something similar by the way she walked around and took in the feeling of the place. Her posture was rigid and cautious, but not necessarily ready and waiting for danger. There was a quiet dread to the things that weren’t, but should’ve been.
“I’m trying to figure that out myself,” Mima replied, following Yukari around with her arms folded behind her back. “You’re going to think I’m crazy, but… I think we’re back in Tokyo.”
“I don’t think you’re crazy.” Yukari replied. She walked over to the table with the food and traced a finger across its top. No dust clung to the surface of her finger, as if the tabletop had recently been cleaned. She brought the back of her palm close to the food. It was still radiating just a little bit of heat, as if it had been freshly served. “That’s the part that scares me.”
“... Assuming this is all very much real, this must be Koishi’s doing,” Yukari declared, taking a moment to look down at herself. As she flexed her fingers, her eyes narrowed. Mima figured she might’ve just realized she had been healed and mysteriously back to her usual outfit. She still looked younger and weaker than she once was, but there was an undeniable, albeit subtle increase in the vitality she seemed to convey. As Yukari’s eyes wandered to the empty city street outside, Mima couldn’t help but notice that expression—that idle, faraway gaze that looked like Yukari had trapped herself in a vivid daydream. She couldn’t help but realize how much Maribel had changed—and yet stayed the same.
“Whatcha thinking, Merry?” Mima tried, shuffling up to Yukari’s side.
“Yukari.”
“Oh. Right. Ha, that’s my bad. My bad…”
“I’m thinking: why Tokyo specifically?” With a wave of her hand, Yukari opened a gap next to her. Through that little tear in reality was a bird’s eye view of the whole city, as well as the infinite desert that surrounded it. “... There must be some significance to this location, but I couldn’t possibly imagine what it could be. Not right now, knowing what we know.”
“Hey, I grew up in Tokyo, you know? Maybe it has something to do with that? And… y’know, we were teaching in Tokyo before…” Mima gestured vaguely around herself. “... Everything, I guess. Maybe Koishi’s reacting to our memories.”
“Could be. Could just as easily be something related to Koishi. Could be nothing at all.” The view through the gap eventually fizzled out, leaving nothing but the inky blackness of the pocket dimension Yukari held dominion over. She let out a sigh before stitching the gap closed with a wave of her hand. “I’d suggest we keep on moving. Collect as much information as we can about this place. But only what we need—the plan is still largely the same. There’s no telling when she will appear again. Best be as quick about it as we can.”
“Oh. Uh… Alright. That’s cool.”
“... What?”
“Hm?”
“What’s wrong? You disagree?”
“Oh no, ah…” A sheepish grin crawled across Mima’s face. “I was just thinking about how much you’ve changed, is all. It’s just… you know, a huge city missing all of its people is pretty mysterious, huh? Don’t you want to do more exploring? Poke around a bit and take in the sights? Like we used to—just one last time?”
There was an unsettling period of silence where Yukari stared straight through Mima with that flat look. She averted her eyes for a passing moment. When Yukari returned her gaze to Mima, it was steely and cold. “No. Neither of us are kids anymore. We have duties and responsibilities that we can not abandon. Not for anything.”
Yukari brushed past Mima. The gesture wasn’t very rough at all, but Mima felt it come at her hard. As Yukari opened the door, she looked back at Mima and gestured to her to follow.
“Let’s go.”
Orin did not want much from life.
There was Satori, her master, who she cared about deeply. There was Okuu, her best friend, who she loved. There was Koishi, the younger sister of her master, who she felt obligated to take care of. And of course, there was her job of transporting corpses, which she could do endlessly and without tiring. Those things more or less encompassed everything she cared about—Orin was a simple person.
So as she crawled out the emergency hatch located at the top of the ship her master had so recklessly buried into a sand dune, she couldn’t help but feel so hopelessly out of her depth. With a groan, she hoisted herself over the lip of the hatch before losing her balance and tumbling over.
As she tumbled downward, bumping her head against every little edge the ship had on her way down, the visor to her suit cracked and then shattered. But as she flopped down into the warm sand, her arms and legs spread in a state of absolute fatigue, she couldn’t really bring herself to care about the warning tones in her helmet—or the fact she was able to breathe the air here, in what used to be the void. Frankly, all she could think about was how much she wanted to go home.
“Orin! Are you okay?” A familiar voice called from somewhere outside her field of vision. It was followed by the hasty clattering of boots on metal as they no doubt clambered down the ship in a hurry.
All Orin could offer in response was a weak grunt and the extension of a thumbs up.
“Are… are you insane?” Another voice called soon after, all breathless and hoarse. It cracked with exertion, as if it had already been worn out by so much screaming. “Satori, what form of devil possessed you to do that? We could’ve all died!”
Satori, of course, didn’t respond. Not before she entered Orin’s field of view, her own helmet long since thrown away. Her face was etched with a rare look of concern, and she breathed a deep sigh of relief when she saw Orin manage a weak smile. Wordlessly, Satori jostled off the smashed helmet from Orin’s suit and brushed away any remaining debris… before pulling her into a tight embrace.
Orin, dazed and shocked from the crash, could manage little else than to rest her head upon her master’s shoulders as she was pulled in. But through whatever stores of energy she had left, she managed to raise her arms and wrap them around in loose reciprocation.
“I’m okay,” she whispered. “I’m okay.”
Satori pulled back from the hug, but stayed kneeling by Orin’s side. Cautiously, she looked to the horizon, as if she had caught a vanishing glimpse of something stalking them from behind the shifting sands. She extended an elbow for Orin to grab on to. “Let’s go. Can you stand?”
“I… I think so,” Orin mumbled, hooking one of her arms around Satori’s elbow and placing a hand on her shoulder for support. Her master lifted, and in response Orin tried her best to stumble onto her feet, with mixed results. As she straightened herself out with the help of Satori, she heard her bones shift and crackle in strange ways—followed by an absolute lightning strike of localized pain in the leg and the fuzzy static that came to replace it.
After a sharp intake of breath and a pained wince, Orin settled into a decidedly unconvincing posture—she plastered a smile on her face and shifted all of her weight onto the other leg in a poor imitation of nonchalance, but Satori’s face only got graver. It broke Orin’s heart. For a moment, Orin tried to separate herself from her master so she could stand on her own—but Satori only squeezed her in closer, as if she would’ve lost Orin the second she let go.
That didn’t surprise Orin much. She knew better than anyone that the events one year ago were still fresh in her master’s mind. Even now, it haunted her every action, and now the consequences were starting to catch up with everyone involved. But to Orin, that didn’t matter. It never did—not so long as Satori was her master, and Orin was her pet. Satori could march to the deepest pit of Hell, pick a fight with a God, oppose reality itself… and Orin would march along right beside her, no matter what.
Patchouli, on the other hand, did not share the same sentiment. She marched up to the two, at least temporarily uncaring of the fantastical environment they found themselves in, and went straight to airing out her grievances.
“Recklessly engaging with Toyohime like that, against all better logic… one day, and this day might very well come sooner than you think, your obsession with that cursed woman will hurt someone you care about,” Patchouli snapped. As she looked to Orin, whose body was riddled with evidence of blunt trauma, her expression softened. “... It already has.”
“As if we had any other choice. It was our best shot to kill her, once and for all,” Satori replied, stone-faced and cold. “... Besides, let Orin speak for herself. As if you know what she does and doesn’t wish for.”
“... Orin wasn’t the only person who got hurt. Or killed.”
“It just so happens that Eirin conveniently falls outside my definition of ‘people I care about.’ I fail to see the issue.” Satori snorted with disgust, as if offended by the mere implication. Orin wanted to speak up and cut between the fighting, but couldn’t find the strength to oppose her own master. “That aside, who says I was the one who got her killed? She got herself killed, following her own incomprehensible mess of half-baked ideas and strategies. What are you coming at me for?”
“How could you be so cold toward someone like her? Especially since we were all fighting out there together, as comrades? Have you no shame?”
“I’ve no love for her. Not after what she did to my sister.” Satori stared straight into Patchouli’s eyes. Sometimes her master was like this—staring straight ahead through a person, as if judging the content of their soul itself. Sometimes, this was literally the case, given that she made liberal use of her opened third eye. “We might be fighting beside each other, but we’re fighting for completely different things. Yukari, Eirin, Kaguya, even you and I—we’re all fighting for something different. Those are just the facts. Just as it was a fact that Koakuma had darkness in her heart. It’s that kind of fact.”
“How cynical. Aren’t we friends?”
Satori fixed Patchouli with a steady glare as she thought through her answer. Even with an open eye, Orin found her master’s thought process difficult to parse.
“... No. We aren’t,” Satori settled. “It’s not a secret—I’m fighting to get my sister back. I’m fighting to kill the person who turned her into a monster. I’m fighting to protect my family. You are doing none of those things—you’re fighting for a more abstract reason: protecting the world, or preventing human suffering, or whatever other justification you assign to your actions. It’s admirable, but recognize that It’s only by convenience that we’re here, helping each other out.”
“... Is that right?” Patchouli muttered under her breath. “Then if it came between Yukari, or Eirin, or me, or anyone else… and your family. Who would you choose?”
Silence.
“It’s best to be honest with ourselves. It saves us the heartache.”
“I see.”
In the silence that came after, the atmosphere seemed to become heavier. Orin spent each passing beat being suffocated by the pressure. Her eyes darted from Patchouli to her master, and then back again.
“Er…” Orin started. “Let’s ah… could we just figure out what we’re going to do next, maybe? Without fighting—that would be nice.”
“Good plan, Orin,” Satori said. Though strangely enough, she wouldn’t take her eyes off of Patchouli. “I’m not quite sure what we would do without you.”
Patchouli looked away. Orin couldn’t help but feel vaguely responsible—though the second the thought even popped into mind, Satori squeezed a little tighter, as if in reassurance.
“... There’s no use in arguing,” Patchouli said with a heavy sigh. “Or rather, it’s a subject for later, when we aren’t all in danger. For now, I agree—we should figure out our next steps.”
The guns had long since run quiet.
Those satellites—their powerful bodies forged by the greatest minds, cast in the strongest metals, and mounted with the fiercest weapons humanity could muster—how could they have possibly matched the horror of God’s wrath? They could never, and for their hubris, their bodies and their souls were scattered and broken as a million glittering lights upon the ocean.
Those were the kinds of things Kaguya Houraisan thought about as she sat beside a flickering fire, her only source of light deep in the darkness of a desert night, not a few meters from the turned and battered wreckage of the CNS Beyond the Sun. In the void, It was battered by unseen force, turned three times—and upon the fourth, struck down and consumed by the void, as was the divine will of God. To its crew, it might have seemed like nothing less than a castigation of divine nature—but Kaguya knew it was nothing more than the temper tantrum of a child. As infant children must necessarily cry, Koishi must necessarily kill—it was her unconscious will.
Woe upon humanity, as its greatest accomplishment was brought low and made worthless before a child. Her own child. What a dubious honor it was—being the mother of such a terrifying, omnipresent killer.
Kaguya was on the ship when it was attacked by Toyohime. She was there to see Eirin march on to meet her. And she was there to see her die. It didn’t bother Kaguya too much—after all, she had watched Eirin die countless times. She will likely watch her die countless more, before all is said and done. But it was there, seized by the temporary shock, that Kaguya lost consciousness. When she woke up, she was deep within the fresh wreckage of humanity’s greatest weapon—alone. On what happened to her crew, and why Kaguya was spared, she could only make guesses.
With no direction and no plan, Kaguya spent what felt like hours wandering the claustrophobic halls of that great metal cage of a ship. But she was alone. Alone in such a way that not even the impression of humanity remained. Even the spot where she saw three men become atomized by Toyohime’s attack, which had burnt dark impressions of their silhouettes into the steel, was mysteriously void of any sign they were killed at all. The damage remained, but the people were gone—erased from existence in a way only God could manage.
When she eventually emerged from the dark recesses of the ship into a darker night, with nothing but the stars above and the inexplicable ground below, she could do nothing but start a simple fire. The night was cold, and she had a feeling it would be long. Warmth would be needed.
This, alone and huddled by a dying fire, must have been the end. Kaguya shifted closer to the flame, and held her knees closer to her chest. She didn’t know what to do. When her own daughter had sought her out, she didn’t know what to say. All she could do was recognize—that in pursuit of an easy life, she had made things so much worse. She wondered if it was too late to make things right between herself and Koishi. If Kaguya had looked up to her daughter now, and said sorry, would she hear? Would she care?
She wasn’t sure. And she wasn’t sure if she wanted to find out.
As she stared at the stars above, Kaguya heard the shuffling of boots displacing the sand. The sounds came in an irregular, halting motion. When it came to a stop, Kaguya lowered her gaze to the figure who stood at the edge of her fire’s light.
A moon rabbit in a pilot suit, all ripped up, tattered, and blackened by combat. In the gaps of her suit, her skin had melted away from severe burns—and froze in place, creating large patches of gangrenous tissue that covered her body. As Kaguya’s eyes drifted downward, she noticed a patch of body that had a view to the other side. Somehow, by some miracle of medicine, the wound remained stable and closed.
Her face was concealed by her helmet, tinted and patterned by a spider web of cracks, but by the way she stood, so still and lopsided, Kaguya had the impression of an empty gaze just behind the facade.
The moon rabbit carried in her left hand a revolver, its chambers empty and on display as the mechanism that connected the grip to the top half of the hung loose. In her other hand, was an ax, splintered in half at the handle from excessive use and its blade caked in a thick layer of blood.
Without a word, the moon rabbit collapsed into a heap by the fire.
Kaguya rushed to the moon rabbit’s side and, upon removing her helmet, froze.
Atonement—she wondered if it was even possible.
Previous Chapter:
Interim Chapter 11

This happened in the final few weeks of my senior year. I was getting ready to graduate, and trying to decide if I should pass the reins to Amy 3, Pepper or Hannah the eviscerator. I'd undecorated my room, and was getting some studying done for finals, up way past my bedtime when there was a tap tap tap at my window. I looked to see a figure silhouetted against the dark night. I pointed towards the front door and, with a sigh, went to meet the person who'd be keeping me up.
I should have known who it was when I grabbed the door knob and felt it was ice cold. Not realizing the value of these omens, I opened the door to see Dahlia the harpy. She was certainly in a state, hair a mess, cheaters molting, with streaks of mascara running down her face. Her eyes were red from crying. I mean redder than usual. In a pitiable voice she asked "are you Shannon?" I said that I was. She asked if I still let anyone come to me with any problem. I said I did. She said "we haven't met, but my name is Dahlia. Will you help me?"
I stood slackjawed for a moment until a sniff snapped me out of it. I took a moment and thought WWHD (what would Helga do) and decided I would. So I invited her in, grabbed two pints of butter pecan, and sat down. I grabbed two pints because I didn't want to split one with her, and because I knew I'd need my own to get through this one.
She took a bite and then just sorta melted back into her human form, and for a minute just cried. When the wailing subsided, I asked her what her trouble was.
"I'm pregnant." She said. I'll admit with some guilt that the first thing I felt was relief. I was afraid she'd killed an adventurer and was trying to dispose of the body, but by now I'd handled unexpected pregnancies enough to be back on familiar territory. Then through the sobs she explained "I haven't seen my boyfriend in six months and I got lonely and…"
The relief gave way to white hot rage. She'd taken the one guy who had shown any interest without also being either insane or with one foot in the grave, and she had the audacity to do this? "WWHD" I whispered to myself. I realized I'd crushed my pint in my fist and forced my hand to unclench.
Dahlia continued "and Ethan is coming out in two weeks for graduation and I don't know what to do. I could sleep with him and then say…"
"FUCK" I shouted and sprang to my feet. It took everything in me to not strangle that woman where she sat. She looked up at me alarmed and afraid and I shouted "I SPILLED MY ICE CREAM AND I NEED TO GET A TOWEL." I shouted this loud enough that a few curious heads peeked out of their dorms.
Hannah asked if I was ok as I walked by. She heard me muttering "don't kill her don't kill her" and asked if I wanted her to take over.
I replied "no, but I'm going to need you on standby for afterwards. For me." I made it back to my room, screamed as loud as I could into my pillow, got a towel, composed myself and returned to face the monster. I cleaned up the spilled ice cream and was about to sit down, but then I looked at her and my eye twitched and I said "HANG ON LET ME PUT THIS IN THE LAUNDRY."
I was something that resembled composed when I finally got back, less than three minutes after my outburst, and I was able to pick up my ice cream and resume the conversation. Now given its prevalence in the story, it may surprise you to find out that while I do like butter pecan, it isn't my favorite. I don't know why it became the universal comfort ice cream of my college days, but it seemed everyone liked it and it worked to cheer them up so I didn't question it. The rest of that pint, though, tasted like ashes.
Dahila explained that when she told the father she was pregnant and it was his he'd literally run away, blocked her on everything and last she'd heard he'd left the state. Given that Dahlia was an eye eating harpy this response was understandable but absolutely detestable.
"Deliah, honey." That word was a struggle to get out. "Why would you do that? The thing with Ethan?"
She looked up at me and there was only despair in her eyes. "Because if I don't I… I'm… I'm afraid."
"Afraid of what, honey?" I asked.
Her answer was a whisper. "I can't do it on my own." And in that moment I felt a little better about not slamming the door in her face. I let her comment hang for a minute and she continued. "My mom was a single mom, and I never knew my dad and she… I don't want to be like her." Her voice broke. "I can't be like her, Shannon. Please."
I realized what she wanted. She wanted my approval to go ahead with Ethan, for me to tell her that that was the right thing to do. And if she wanted me to tell her that, it meant that she knew it was the wrong thing. I considered my next words carefully. "Dahlia, you're a senior. You're about to graduate. What kind of degree did your mom have?"
"She got her GED when I was nine."
"Well there you go, honey. You're already miles ahead." I said, false sunshine in my voice.
"But what if…"
"Yeah, the job marker sucks right now. But you're Dahlia the h…" I was going to say harpy. "The mighty. You can do this."
"But Ethan… what if I need him?"
I wanted to pull a Hannah, to verbally give her the ol KA LI MA and verbally rip out her heart, but I held myself in check. "Dahlia, you know that this plan of yours is wrong." I said, a little more sternly than I meant to. She started to protest but I interrupted her. "It's also setting you up for misery. You'll live in fear. What if he finds out? What if he realizes? What if he does the math and realizes that you can't deliver at a full 40 weeks if you've only been pregnant 32 weeks. What if he does a DNA test for one of those heritage websites? He might not know, but you will, Dahlia. You'll always know, and it will eat you up inside. What happens if, in ten years, you get in a fight and get drunk and decide to tell him, just to see how much it hurts him? Because it will hurt him. It will kill him. Do you think he's earned that?"
She just cried. She cried and cried and cried. And finally, in the smallest voice, she whispered "no".
"Then you have to do the right thing."
"I can't!" She shouted, then cried some more. "Will you help me? Please?"
Come to Shannon with your problems! She'll always do whatever she can. I got the number from her, and with each digit I dialed I cursed the stupid reputation I'd cultivated. I almost came close to even considering to curse Helga for believing in me.
The phone rang, and with each a sprout of hope blossomed in my heart, hope that it would go to voice-mail. And at last my prayers were answered! "It's Ethan, leave a message. If this is mom, hi mom!" Beep. I hung up, relief flooding into me. I tossed my phone down on the table and took another bite of ice cream.
Then I heard it.
The wrrr wrrr wrrr of my phone vibrating on the table. I recognized the number. Dahlia looked at me, a silent plea in her eyes.
I answered it on speaker. "Hello?" I said.
"Hey, I missed a call from this number?" Ethan said, from his voice he'd been asleep.
"Hi is this Ethan? Hi, my name is Shannon McMatthews, I'm the RA of dorm 6." I waited a moment for a reply.
"Uh…"
Well I suppose that one was on me, I didn't give him much to go on. "Now don't worry" I was about to say that nothing was wrong but that wasn't the truth. "She's not hurt, but I'm here with Dahlia. She needs to talk to you."
I clicked it off speaker and slid my phone over to Dahlia, who took it in shaking hands. I said "I'll give you some privacy. Come knock on my door when you're done."
She did a few minutes later and from her expression I knew how the call went. I just took my phone back and hugged her. She didn't want to talk more, so I walked her back to her dorm, returned to my own and then cried my eyes out. I told Hannah what had happened, and then without explaining to them what was wrong, she got the other girls to come out. And I cried. Because it's me and I guess that's my thing. I realized I'd been burying my feelings. That I didn't want this to end with graduation.
Pepper started it. One by one they took turns telling me about how I'd helped them, about when I'd been there for them, about what I'd done for them. They told me they loved me, how much it meant to just know I was there. Rachel said she thought of me as a big sister. Amy 2 said I was like the mom she never had. Hannah said I'd given her a voice. Girls, if any of you are reading this, know that it was a pleasure and an honor to have been there for you. I remember every single thing you said, I've written it on my heart and the memory of that night is one I cherish dearly.
Classes the next day could fuck right off, though.
I talked to Dahlia a few months ago, and found she'd really turned herself around. Brayden (of course) is a really cute kid. Dahlia herself is doing great. She works for a non profit helping single mothers. She did a bunch of therapy and is working on her MSW. I asked if she was dating anyone and to my delight she said "not at the moment, but it's fine, I might want a man but I don't need one." She's also stopped eating eyes. Well, she's stopped eating HUMAN eyes. So that's a start.

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Character Name	Description
Ace	Luffy's older brother and former commander of the Whitebeard Pirates' 2nd Division.
Akainu	Marine admiral and current Fleet Admiral.
Aokiji	Marine admiral and former member of the Navy HQ.
Bartolomeo	Captain of the Barto Club and a member of the Straw Hat Grand Fleet.
Boa Hancock	Captain of the Kuja Pirates and one of the Seven Warlords of the Sea.
Buggy	Former member of Gol D. Roger's crew and the leader of the Buggy Pirates.
Carrot	A rabbit mink and a member of the Straw Hat Pirates' temporary allies during the Whole Cake Island Arc.
Charlotte Linlin (Big Mom)	Captain of the Big Mom Pirates and one of the Four Emperors of the Sea.
Coby	Marine officer who was once Luffy's friend and rival.
Crocodile	Former president of the criminal organization Baroque Works and one of the Seven Warlords of the Sea.
Donquixote Doflamingo	Former king of Dressrosa and a former member of the Seven Warlords of the Sea.
Dracule Mihawk	A swordsman and one of the Seven Warlords of the Sea known as the "Greatest Swordsman in the World."
Edward Newgate (Whitebeard)	A legendary pirate and one of the Four Emperors of the Sea who was once the "strongest man in the world."
Eustass Kid	Captain of the Kid Pirates and a member of the Worst Generation.
Franky	Cyborg and shipwright of the Straw Hat Pirates who has a cola-powered body.
Fujitora	Marine admiral who has the power to control gravity.
Galdino (Mr. 3)	Former member of Baroque Works and user of the Wax-Wax Fruit.
Garp	Marine vice admiral and Luffy's grandfather.
Gol D. Roger	Former Pirate King who discovered the One Piece and started the Great Pirate Era.
Helmeppo	Marine officer and Coby's friend who was once a coward.
Jinbe	A fishman and a member of the Straw Hat Pirates.
Kaido	Captain of the Beasts Pirates and one of the Four Emperors of the Sea.
Kizaru	Marine admiral known as the "Yellow Monkey" who has the power to move at the speed of light.
Monkey D. Luffy	Captain of the Straw Hat Pirates and a rubber man with a dream to become the Pirate King.
Mr. 2 Bon Clay	Former member of Baroque Works and leader of the Okama Army.
Nami	Navigator of the Straw Hat Pirates who has the ability to forecast the weather.
Nico Robin	Archaeologist and member of the Straw Hat Pirates who has the ability to create limbs and eyes from any surface.
Portgas D. Rouge	Ace's mother and the wife of Gol D. Roger.
Roronoa Zoro	Skilled swordsman and Luffy's first mate.
Sanji	Cook of the Straw Hat Pirates who uses kicks in battle.
Sabo	Luffy's adopted older brother and chief of staff of the Revolutionary Army.
Sengoku	Marine admiral and former Fleet Admiral.
Shanks	Powerful pirate and former member of Gol D. Roger's crew who gave Luffy his signature straw hat.
Silvers Rayleigh	Former member of Gol D. Roger's crew and the Dark King.
Smoker	Marine captain and the wielder of the Logia-type Smoke-Smoke Fruit.
Tashigi	Marine officer and Zoro's frequent opponent.
Tony Tony Chopper	Reindeer who has eaten the Human-Human Fruit and can transform into a human/reindeer hybrid.
Trafalgar Law	Captain of the Heart Pirates and a member of the Worst Generation.
Usopp	Sniper of the Straw Hat Pirates and a compulsive liar.
Bepo	A bear mink and a member of the Heart Pirates.
Charlotte Katakuri	One of Big Mom's three sweet commanders and possessor of the Mochi-Mochi Fruit.
Diamante	A former executive of the Donquixote Pirates and user of the Flag-Flag Fruit.
Enel	The former "God" of Skypiea and user of the Goro-Goro no Mi.
Fisher Tiger	The founder and former captain of the Sun Pirates, a crew composed of fishmen and merfolk.
Gol D. Ace	A member of the Whitebeard Pirates and Luffy's older brother.
Hancock Sisters	Boa Hancock's younger sisters and members of the Kuja Pirates.
Inuarashi	A dog mink and one of the two rulers of the Mokomo Dukedom.
Jozu	A member of the Whitebeard Pirates and possessor of the Diamond-Diamond Fruit.
Kuma	A former Warlord of the Sea and one of the Revolutionary Army's commanders.
Arlong	A sawshark fishman and former captain of the Arlong Pirates.
Bartholomew Kuma	A former Warlord of the Sea and one of the Seven Warlords of the Sea who became a Pacifista cyborg.
Bellamy	A former pirate and a member of the Donquixote Pirates' Diamante Army.
Big Mom Pirates	A powerful pirate crew led by Charlotte Linlin (Big Mom) and composed of a variety of unique characters.
Brogy and Dorry	Two giant warriors and captains of the Giant Warrior Pirates.
Burgess	A member of the Blackbeard Pirates and captain of the First Ship.
Capone Bege	A member of the Worst Generation and captain of the Fire Tank Pirates.
Caesar Clown	A mad scientist and former subordinate of the Big Mom Pirates.
Cavendish	A member of the Beautiful Pirates and possessor of the Superhuman-Human Fruit.
Corazon (Donquixote Rocinante)	The younger brother of Donquixote Doflamingo and former member of the Donquixote Pirates.
Crocus	A doctor and caretaker of the Twin Cape's lighthouse.
Dalton	A former king of the Sakura Kingdom and a bison mink.
Denjiro	A member of the Nine Red Scabbards and former retainer of the Kozuki Family.
Doflamingo Family	A powerful criminal organization led by Donquixote Doflamingo and composed of several officers with unique abilities.
Edward Weevil	A self-proclaimed son of Whitebeard and one of the Seven Warlords of the Sea.
Fukuro	A member of CP9 and user of the Rankyaku technique.
Gaimon	A pirate who was trapped inside a treasure chest on an island for 20 years.
Gin	A former member of the Baratie staff and captain of the Krieg Pirates.
Hannyabal	The vice warden of Impel Down and user of the Devil's Cane-Cane Fruit.
Hawkins	A member of the Worst Generation and captain of the Hawkins Pirates.
Ivankov	The "Queen" of the Kamabakka Kingdom and commander of the Revolutionary Army's Newkama Land forces.
Kaido's Calamities	Three of Kaido's most powerful and feared subordinates: Jack, Queen, and King.
Kin'emon	A samurai from Wano Country and a member of the Nine Red Scabbards.
Koby's Marines	A group of marines led by Coby, consisting of several individuals who have trained under Garp.
Kokoro	A mermaid and conductor of the Puffing Tom.
Krieg	The captain of the Krieg Pirates and an infamous pirate who used underhanded tactics to win battles.
Kuina	Zoro's childhood friend and a skilled swordsman who dreamt of becoming the world's strongest swordsman.
Marco	A member of the Whitebeard Pirates and possessor of the Phoenix-Phoenix Fruit.
Momonosuke	The son of Kozuki Oden and a member of the Kozuki Family.
Monet	A former officer of the Donquixote Pirates and user of the Snow-Snow Fruit.
Mr. 4 and Miss Merry Christmas	A pair of Baroque Works agents who are skilled in explosives and wrestling, respectively.
Nekomamushi	A cat mink and one of the two rulers of the Minks.
Oars Jr.	An enormous giant and former member of the Thriller Bark Pirates.
Pell	A member of the Royal Guards of the Alabasta Kingdom and possessor of the Falcon-Falcon Fruit.
Pica	An executive of the Donquixote Pirates and possessor of the Stone-Stone Fruit.
Pudding	A member of the Big Mom Pirates and one of Big Mom's daughters, who has the ability to manipulate memories.
Rayleigh	A former member of Gol D. Roger's crew and the Dark King.
Rebecca	The gladiator champion of the Corrida Colosseum and a member of the Riku Family.
Rockstar	A member of the Red Hair Pirates and possessor of the Float-Float Fruit.
Ryuuma	A legendary swordsman from Wano Country and possessor of the Shusui sword.
Saboady Archipelago Supernovas	A group of rookie pirates known as the Worst Generation, consisting of Eustass Kid, Scratchmen Apoo, Capone Bege, Basil Hawkins, and Urouge.
Saint Charlos	A World Noble who was responsible for the enslavement of the Fishman Island.
Sabo's Revolutionary Army	A group of revolutionaries led by Sabo, consisting of several individuals who oppose the World Government.
Sabo's Family	The family members of Sabo, including his adopted father and brother.
Scratchmen Apoo	A member of the Worst Generation and captain of the On Air Pirates.
Senor Pink	An officer of the Donquixote Pirates and user of the Nui-Nui Fruit.
Shakky	A former pirate and current owner of Shakky's Rip-off Bar.
Shiki	A former member of the Roger Pirates and the captain of the Golden Lion Pirates.
Silvers Rayleigh's Crew	The crew that accompanied Rayleigh during his time as a pirate, including Zephyr.
Spandam	A former member of CP9 and director of the Cipher Pol organization.
Stelly	The current king of the Goa Kingdom and Sabo's adopted younger brother.
Straw Hat Grand Fleet	A fleet of ships and pirate crews who allied themselves with the Straw Hat Pirates, consisting of the Barto Club, Happo Navy, Ideo Pirates, Tonta Corps, Yonta Maria Grand Fleet, and Beautiful Pirates.
T-Bone	A Marine commodore and commander of the 77th Marine Branch.
Tom	The shipwright who built the Oro Jackson, Gol D. Roger's ship.
Tsuru	A Marine vice admiral and commander of the Navy's Marine Headquarters.
Urouge	A member of the Worst Generation and captain of the Fallen Monk Pirates.
Vergo	A high-ranking officer of the Donquixote Pirates and undercover agent in the Marines.
Wapol	A former king of the Drum Island and user of the Baku-Baku Fruit.
Wapol's Family	The family members of Wapol, including his father and brother.
X Drake's Marine Fleet	A fleet of ships led by X Drake, who defected from the Navy and joined the Beast Pirates.
Yonko	The four most powerful pirate captains in the world: Shanks, Big Mom, Kaido, and Blackbeard.
Zephyr	A former Marine admiral and leader of the Neo Marines.
Alvida	A pirate captain and the first person Luffy defeated after setting sail.
Baby 5	An officer of the Donquixote Pirates and user of the Buki-Buki no Mi.
Basil Hawkins' Crew	The crew that accompanies Basil Hawkins, consisting of several individuals with unique abilities.
Bellemere	The adoptive mother of Nami and a former Marine.
Blackbeard Pirates	A powerful pirate crew led by Blackbeard, consisting of several officers with unique abilities.
Bonney	A member of the Worst Generation and captain of the Bonney Pirates.
Buggy's Delivery	A delivery service run by Buggy, who employs former members of the Baroque Works.
Carrot	A rabbit mink and a member of the Mokomo Dukedom.
Chaka	A member of the Royal Guards of the Alabasta Kingdom and possessor of the Inu-Inu no Mi, Model: Jackal.
Charlotte Amande	One of Big Mom's daughters and a member of the Big Mom Pirates.
Charlotte Brûlée	One of Big Mom's daughters and a member of the Big Mom Pirates, who has the ability to create and manipulate mirrors.
Charlotte Compote	One of Big Mom's daughters and a member of the Big Mom Pirates.
Coby's Mentor	A Marine vice admiral who served as Coby's mentor during his time at the Marine Academy.
Dadan	The leader of the mountain bandits on Mt. Colubo and the adoptive mother of Ace and Luffy.
Daz Bones	A former officer of Baroque Works and user of the Supa-Supa no Mi.
Doberman	A Marine vice admiral and commander of the G-1 Marine Base.
Drake	A former Marine admiral and captain of the Drake Pirates.
Edward Newgate (Whitebeard)	The captain of the Whitebeard Pirates and one of the Four Emperors of the Sea.
Foxy	The captain of the Foxy Pirates and user of the Noro-Noro no Mi.
Fukaboshi	A prince of the Ryugu Kingdom and a shark merman.
Gaimon's Friend	A friend of Gaimon who was stuck inside a treasure chest on an island.
Gatz	The host of the Corrida Colosseum and a member of Dressrosa's ruling family.
Gedatsu	A member of the Shandia tribe and former priest of the Skypieans.
Gladius	An executive of the Donquixote Pirates and user of the Pamu-Pamu no Mi.
Gloriosa	The former queen of the Alabasta Kingdom and Nefertari Cobra's predecessor.
Hajrudin	A giant warrior and captain of the New Giant Warrior Pirates.
Hina	A Marine captain and user of the Ori-Ori no Mi.
Hyogoro	A former yakuza boss and member of the yakuza alliance led by the Kozuki Family.
Ikaros Much	A member of CP9 and user of the Mogu-Mogu no Mi.
Jaguar D. Saul	A giant warrior and former Marine vice admiral who befriended Robin.
Jinbe	A former member of the Shichibukai and captain of the Sun Pirates.
Kabuto	A member of the Revolutionary Army and a former Revolutionary Army commander.
Kaido's Army	The army of subordinates who follow Kaido, consisting of a variety of powerful and unique characters.

Kaid

I am feeling down already in advance of his birthday this Friday. We haven't spoken in over a month, although he did text me on my birthday feb 17th. It was extremely painful for me and I ended up having a terrible evening because I couldn't stop crying and wishing I was spending it with him. Ugh, the memory is painful still.
Now over a month later, I am feeling dread because I wish I could've made him a cake and decorated it for him. We could share it late into the night and giggle over dumb videos. He is also having a house show in the DIY basement venue he lives above, and he will be performing. The other group playing that night consists of some friends who he introduced me to, and I am so fucking sad that I can't go to see them perform. I am profoundly disappointed about that, especially since the show will be for their EP release and I am so very proud of them. I wrote the press release for the EP months ago and spent hours agonizing over making it really good. I miss them.
I don't think I will text him happy birthday even though he texted me a happy birthday last month. I feel like it would be stupid of me and I need to just take care of my own healing first and foremost. I know he won't magically wish to talk beyond a birthday message anyway, so what the fuck is the point? To act as if I care about such niceties seems stupid to me. But I still wish he'd reach out and ask me to come to the show, which is a sad realization after working so hard to just get better over the past 50 days. I just feel extra vulnerable tonight with the day looming, and I so badly want to be held and comforted, to be told that it was all going to be okay no matter what. I know if I asked him for anything, especially if he'd hold me once again, he'd just be unkind to me, so the fantasy of him magically being the sweet, loving man I once knew is absolutely unreal and idiotic.
But I miss that man, though. I miss sweetly touching his hair, face, his neck, and lovingly looking at him. There has been no end, or closure, for me, because he just disappeared and ghosted me one day at the start of February. While I am doing so much better overall since then, I have had weak moments like these where I miss him and yearn to be told that he wants to hold me and love me, that he wants to let us try again with a clean slate. I have so much love to give the world, I had so much love left to give him that sometimes it feels as if it is bursting outward from my heart, ready to kill me. I wish we could've tried again because I finally got to start working and straightening out my life after a terrible upheaval last fall that ruined our relationship. I am finally feeling like myself again, but I also feel that he is just missing from that, and so I'm fractured and must somehow repair this wound as it festers.
Any kind words or advice would be appreciated right now.

I'm a soft sensitive person and looking for a cute stoner with chill vibes
Send picture for bonus points
-funny in an awkward not funny way
-watch too much TV mostly funny stuff my favorites are hing of the hill and always sunny
-I only listen to podcast when I drive and only true crime. Like morbid, last pod, crime junkie
-I don't know what crypto is and I refuse to learn
-never grew out of my Midwest emo phase
-am mean.
-I smoke too much weed, and I grow and I won't stop talking about it
-real gamer (acnh)
-will talk about my cat too much. To be fair he's very cute -only like long hair and tattoos I'm sorry
-still into hello kitty
-annoying

I'm the senior hairsylist at my salon. I gave my friend a haircut and even though she knows I did what she wanted, she doesnt want to style it and says it looks horrible with her natural waves. We both know the haircut isnt 'wrong,' it was done as asked, planned and consulted on, and that this fuck up was a team effort. I was pretty bummed, especially given that at my shop I'M the one that fixes unsatisfactory haircuts... but they can't all be home runs I guess so I kept my disappointment to myself.
After a week or so, she was still super unhappy so I set up a meeting with old coworker who is the senior hairstylist at another location to see what we can do with her hair, no charge. It was super nice of her to do that, especially given that its her last week with us and she is trying to get her new place together.
Morning of, my friend messages me and says how she couldn't sleep and how sad she is and that she doesnt think she can get up to make it. This annoyed me a bit as every time I talk to her (almost every day) she isn't shy about telling me how much she misses her long layers, how wierd it feels, how she "cant look in the mirror". She doesnt realize how guilty the repetitiveness and intensity of her comments make me and how harsh it sounds to me, especially when I'm constantly talking her through it and trying to plan something to help both of us (me because I really want to know what I could have done differently.) I texted only supportive things back, and how great it'll be for both of us to get her hair taken care of and how we were lucky to get this hairstylist because it's her last week. She then called me in tears, saying it's not about her hair which I'm sure is true as she does have other troubles, telling me how sad she is and how tired she is and they'll she just wants to go back to sleep. I was a bit annoyed because of how every time we chat she wants to talk about what I think we can do about her hair, what I would do if it were up to me, etc, when we already have a plan in place to see another senior hairstylist... but I bit my tongue and consoled her.
She just messaged me asking when we can get with her again, and if we can this saturday (busy!) I told her that like I had said, we won't be able to get with her again. I don't personally know any of the other senior hairstylists. Maybe one of them will help, but it'll be at a far location and mostly I dont want her to not show up again as this person is taking time out of their schedule to see her for free. My old coworker was cool about it, but I won't know this other person. I'm willing to swallow my embarrassment of another senior hairstylist's first impression of me is this girl that hates her haircut to the point of tears...
but I just dont want to also given that she bailed on my old coworker.

1. Should I try to schedule with another senior hairstylist I've barely seen before and ask them for their time for free?
   
2. How should I tell my friend that she can't bail this time? She's SO sensitive when it comes to mental health and I'm afraid she'll react as if I'm being insensitive by saying anything to the effect.
   

As the title says, I'm a fit, passionate, nerdy guy who is looking for a long-term (hopefully life-long) relationship with a girl who is the same way! I'm hoping to find my person, my partner-in-crime, my adventure buddy, my co-op player (or competition, depending), my lover, and my best friend.
About Me:

• 5'9", fit/lean 145 lbs., brown hair, blue eyes, trimmed beard, and very hygienic.
• Primary hobby/interest is video games, though not just playing them. I'm also endlessly interested in the process of game development, design, preservation, and history. My main platform is on PC, though I also have a decently sized retro collection of NES, SNES, N64, and GameCube games! Let's talk about some of our favorites!
• Love the outdoors and nature. My favorite outdoor activity is skiing, which I absolutely adore. I also enjoy kayaking, hiking, backpacking, and camping, so I'm not afraid of getting dirty. I'd love to visit every National Park!
• Regular theatre-goer and symphony attendee. I love any excuse to get dressed up fancy (though I also have no problem in a mosh pit). Most recently saw the stage production of To Kill a Mockingbird, which was excellent. Do you have any favorite stage productions?
• Believer in health, science, and staying active. I've committed to the same workout routine for the past four years without missing a single day and am in the best shape of my life! I don't believe that we have to be Olympians but it's important to me that my partner takes care of their body, just as I feel it's important to take care of mine. Please be HWP.
• Intensely sexual and passionate with an incredibly high libido. I'm a very sexual person and am quite open-minded when it comes to sex. Physical affection and sex is incredibly important to me and is a very large part of my personality, so it's important that my partner can match my sexual energy.

Additional Tidbits:

• Currently reading: The King in Yellow Recommended reading: The Devil in the White City
• Favorite band: They Might Be Giants. I've got two tickets to their April 2023 show; who wants to come with me?
• Wants to go on "roller coaster road trip" to ride the nation's best roller coasters.
• Avid conversationalist with no social media presence beyond Reddit and LinkedIn. I also do not prioritize my phone over people.
• Own my own place in Pasadena, CA
• Steady career in the advertising industry
• Distance is not a huge factor but I would prefer someone in Southern California
• Mutual attraction is a must

Anything else you're curious about? Just send me a DM and ask! I'm an open book and will happily answer any question you might have!

this is mainly going to be a long rant because i've been stuck in such a deep pit this quarter. the amount of times i've gone on here to look at posts of other people asking for advice and trying to cope with a terrible quarter is crazy
for context, i'm an engineering major and this is only my second quarter here at ucla, which has given me a bit of solace and optimism for the rest of my time here. plus its winter quarter so everyone's been feeling shit so it helps to know im not alone. but its hard to maintain that optimism when i feel like ive been taking 2 steps forward and 5 steps backward. and holy hell has this quarter been such a mess. i've had to switch rooms twice and while im grateful that i'm able to visit home, i havent been able to as much as i did fall quarter, which i'm mentioning because i don't have many friends on campus. the friends that i have made, its hard to meet up with them, which of course is no one's fault since we're all busy with our own lives. just sucks as i'm sure a lot of people know. and its a given that we're not that close since we've only known each other for so long. so i find myself missing my friends back home so much.
then theres this struggle to stay on track with academics. i dont know what happened between senior year of high school and now, but its suddenly so difficult to be even a quarter as productive as i was senior year, which speaks volumes because i was already struggling back then. it was hard to motivate myself to go to class because i kept telling myself itll be easier to watch the recorded lectures and read the textbook bc then "i can just go at my own pace" since the profs for my classes this quarter arent the best at lecturing. but that is likely just be me making excuses for myself since i couldnt even get myself to do that. i didn't have any motivation to check out clubs like i said i would, to make up for not doing great in my classes. and now looking back, i was definitely holed up in my room a lot, and it was constantly isolating in those moments when i wasn't in contact with my high school friends. i tried to come to terms with the fact that this is not uncommon yk? a lot of other people are also in an unfamiliar environment and are trying to adjust as well. so i tried to enjoy these moments when i only have myself.
in the later weeks, i tried getting out more. i tried going to different places to do my work and it definitely helped, but eventually, i ended up getting distracted again bc the continual cycle of sitting there for the long long hours catching up on work was miserable. i kept comparing myself to other people even though i made so much progress in high school trying to overcome that imposter syndrome. especially when i looked at my high school friends bc they're so motivated to stay on track and i admire them so much for it. i tried to use that admiration as motivation; if they can do it, then surely i can at least get somewhere with my effort. but that didnt last very long, so that mentality ended up doing more harm than good when i wasn't able to be as productive as i had hoped.
i didn't have many mental breakdowns because it was more of a mental stalemate, or actually, emotional constipation until it became too much. i would just sit there wondering where shit went wrong and why i cant get myself back up; "why am i struggling now when i was doing somewhat okay first quarter? isnt it backwards that im struggling second quarter when i had first quarter to adapt?" it wasn't until week 8 that things finally came crashing down on me. personal family struggles, academic struggles, my insecurities overcoming me in my friendships making it hard to reach out to them, constant gender dysphoria, this overwhelming urge to just give up because what's the point if its so hard to find joy in the moment when everything feels so monotonous, etc.
then i had to drop a class after that because obviously 4 was too much and i was extremely stupid to be optimistic that i can handle it after getting a burst of motivation during winter break despite knowing damn well these bursts are short-lived. so now i only have 3 finals. but i haven't been able to study properly and two of them are both tomorrow. so now i have to get through this part of the cycle where i try to cope by telling myself that its okay as long as i pass the class. but its a dangerous game to play bc if i keep telling myself that, i feel like ill never be able to pick myself up to do better later. so now im here, trying to put my thoughts down so that i can make some sort of coherent thought process to get me through the rest of this week.
i've heard advice about focusing on learning the content rather than pulling out your hair stressing about the grade itself, trying not to blame yourself too much as long as you learn from your mistakes and do better in the future, understanding your limits, remembering that youre not alone esp for engineers since it seems we're all struggling (and even my counselor said to remember that its a D- to fail for engineering), etc etc. but why is it so difficult trying to get out of such a negative headspace?
so id like to ask if anyone's gotten up to this point or sees this part:
at this point in the quarter when there's only so much i can do to ensure my performance for my finals and my grade, what would you usually be telling yourself if you have been in a similar situation? if you've been able to pick yourself up from things like this, do you have any advice? is there any way to make it easier to accept that i'm likely not going to do very well on my finals and that while ill barely pass the class, it'll be a grade i wont be happy with?
i'm sorry if this all sounds silly or that i'm whining bc its only my second quarter or bc it doesn't sound that bad since i can't really go into detail, but my mental health has been terrible and i genuinely am worried about whether or not ill be able to get my shit together after this quarter. i want to believe that itll be alright and that, surely, it can't get worse from here, but that's what i've been telling myself since fall quarter and i feel like its only been a spiral downward. i feel like im stuck with nowhere to go, and i just want to see if there is any reassurance that it does get better. i hope that after finals week, i can look back at this post and think it was silly.

I'm not good at social cues. Facial expressions are confusing, people make a face at me and I don't know if it's a good face or a bad face unless it's a smile. I think that's what caused my social anxiety, idk what people think so I assume they hate me.
People wink, raise their eyebrows, or do other things that I know are supposed to mean something in context, but I don't know what I'm supposed to take away from that interaction. I see someone make a face at me and I panic if it's unclear what it means. I feel so stupid for that. My coworkers even joked about me missing social cues.
I'm not good at recognizing faces either. I didn't recognize my own sister once, that was embarrassing. Usually hair and outfits are good enough distinctions, and some people have unique enough face shapes.
I dont like looking at faces anyway, eye contact feels horrible but i try anyway so i dont seem rude. I hate that i feel so lost with faces, and this one simple thing makes it so hard to be social. I'm probably autistic btw.

As the title says, I’m looking for curl salons or even stylists that offer treatments, specifically deep detangling. I’ve gotten myself to a tough spot with my hair and could use some professional help. Any chance anyone here would know of any spots that offer these types of services? New to the area so any help would be super appreciated!

Have never done anything kinky other than play acting.
I feel like I've been groomed as a top the last five months. Is frustrating the hell out of your top a thing? When it was clear she's be into it, I asked for some consents over text and told her to come over for her initiation the next day. She said she couldn't see me and wanted to be alone and depressed for the foreseeable future.
I started talking about kink before we met in person, we met on a normal dating site.
Pretty early on, she said wasn't ready to date, wanted to be alone and depressed. And was having feelings for her ex. Given the situation around the divorce, this is not surprising and didn't bother me.
She says she gets hooked when fucked so has wanted to wait until she was sure she was ready for a relationship. That's fine, I like being denied pleasure. We see each other about once a week, have slept together with clothes on a few times. Well, she keeps her clothes on.
We talk about what we want to to the first time frequently. Meeting as strangers at the airport and having sex in a broom closet was in the lead.
A few weeks ago I asked if she wanted to do something that required a safe word. She answered "yes" in what could have been an ashamed tone. We had not talked about BDSM, just play acting.
The next week she had me over, seemed like we might do the deed. But I had to do some coaxing just to get her to cuddle in front of the TV. Which wasn't new behavior. She told me she'd taken one of a few valium she had been saving.
The next day she asked to meet my family. So I tell them they'll meet someone I'll be dating at dinner that weekend. A few hours before dinner she calls and tells me she got a stage one cancer diagnosis. Her sister was coming over to be with her.
The next day, I can't get in touch with her. When I do, she says she went to the ER, presumably with a panic attack, and they gave her something that knocked her out.
The next week, same thing happens as the night she asked me over. She almost immediately went to her room and laid down an hour. Came down and told be she took a valium.
The next morning she tells me she likes being knocked around during sex. She said something, I forget the words, but it was an offer to be submissive to me. She tells me she's not dating anyone else and we agree to spend two days a week together. I get consent in general to tie her up and give her intense nipple pain.
A couple days later I ask for consent to pull her hair and slap her hard enough to make her nose run. I was going to make her snotty enough so she could jerk my cock with it. That was going to be her initiation or whatever. I planned to give her an expensive scarf after. I had never let myself consider being sadistic but smacking her around a bit and giving her just enough pain is the most powerful desire I've ever had. I can't explain it, I have a searing desire to see her in that floaty state, experiencing nothing but being in pain and under my control. I wrote a post about it under this account. I've taken every worry away from her, given her a period of peace. I'm responsible for just making sure she stays in that state as long as she wants.
She texts back that she can't see me because she is having feelings for her ex again and the cancer staging is worse. She wants to be alone and depressed for the forseeable future.
All of this seems bizarre to me, like its impossible its happening. Is she a certain type? Is she trying to build this up to some sort of galactic eruption of sex once we do it?
She showed up to a date with a black eye once. Says she fell. I've wondered if she just wants it to be a sex thing. I've asked this and she says no.
Is it possible she was trying to seek a "normal" relationship but found a BDSM one?
I've also wondered if she likes the idea of kinky sex but not with me. But it was just a few weeks ago I learned she was submissive. And more recently discovered I'm sadistic. I'm bi, more sexually attracted to guys, I often have trouble keeping hard the first few times I have sex with a female partner. But this sadistic desire for her is the most powerful thing I've experienced. I haven't watched porn since I got the first consents. I just jerk off thinking about her. I cant remember when the last time I jerked off without porn. The 90s maybe.
We are near retirement age btw. Fuck if I am sadistic towards all women, I have been missing out. But so far have only had that desire towards her.
I don't know anyone into BSDM. Is this kind a usual story? It seems bizarre.
I'm planning on letting her get in touch with me ... I usually text at least every day or two. She doesn't respond to most. She says she feels paralyzed. When she gets in touch, I plan on suggesting we just set the idea of romance on the back burner. And just continue to have dinners out. Or I'd be OK to say we'll only have sex.
That would be a bug turn on for me, knowing nothing about her other than she needed to come to me for pain.
I am just looking for some thoughts. I dont know anyone into this stuff.
PS. She said her husband was "abusive but not abusive." I didn't ask what she meant. I believe this is one of the reasons she likes me, I dont pry.
PSS. Something has to change. If I have this many huge questions, it's going to have to be either clearly a relationship or clearly not. I cant take the ambiguity!

I apologize that this is going to be long, but I need help with my marriage. My husband and I are in our 30's and are both family physicians. As a physician, mental health treatment is severely limited as we have to disclose depression, anxiety, etc. when applying for state licenses, board certification, etc. I constantly live in silent suffering, putting on a face for my patients and colleagues. I have crossed state lines and paid in cash to seek therapy but it hasn't been very helpful. I appreciate whoever takes the time to read this and help with advice.
My husband and I come from different backgrounds. I grew up poor in Appalachia, lived in a single-wide mobile home and ate things like ketchup packets, mashed potato flakes or coffee creamer. I had never went to the doctor and the first time I went to the dentist I was 17. My childhood was spent playing in the woods and babysitting my little brother who is 10 years younger than me. My mom worked the night shift and my dad worked the day shift. My dad was very religious, paranoid, verbally / physically abusive to me and my mom. One time I couldn't find the phone for him to call his cousin and he got mad, gathered up all my toys and burned them in the back yard. I began drawing my own paper dolls and when he found them, he ripped them up saying it was "idol worship." He would call me "child" instead of my name, for example, "hey child, make me a tuna sandwich." He always got the biggest portions of food. When I was 8 years old he told me not to call him "daddy" anymore to hurt my mom.
My mom was MIA with severe depression, just sleeping on her days off. Other things he did was beat my sibling so bad he couldn't go to school and I took video of it, showing the librarian who then called CPS. My dad was arrested, but since he was related to the judge, the case was dismissed. The years went by getting called names, hair pulling, doing all cooking and all the cleaning; he never lifted a finger. I was 16 years old when my mom found out my dad was cheating on her with a coworker and she needed the GeoTracker to go to work that night; he was going to take it to see his girlfriend, and he started beating my mom up. I jumped out the window to help my mom and my dad grabbed my hair, screaming, "I HATE YOU!!!!!!!" Over and over and over, his voice echoing throughout the holler.
Since I was really young I have experienced extreme empathy, to the point of being a people pleaser. I always wanted to help people and animals. I never threw trash on the ground, I helped injured animals. When I was 10 years old, I scooped up tadpoles from puddles so they wouldn't die when the puddle dried up and put them in an old broken fish aquarium, releasing them back to wild when they would grow legs. To this day, frogs have a special place in my heart.
I was bullied in high school because I brought paper dolls to my first day of freshman year, I was the youngest in my high school at 13 years old. My clothes smelled like moth balls. During a fake fire drill, students had to go on the football field and there an an instance where a male student urinated on me and threw a keychain at me that he lit on fire. I was bullied because I always wore coats, even in 80 degree weather. I was ashamed at how thin I looked, I have always looked way younger than what I really am. I attempted suicide twice when I was a teenager.
I made good grades, was salutatorian of my class. I was able to get a full paid scholarship to a nearby college but I rejected it and took out a massive amount of student loans to attend University 4 hours away. I wanted to branch out in the world and I wanted to become a physician. I wanted to see what was beyond the mountains. I truly wanted to help people as it brought me happiness.
When I was 17, I started my freshman year of college. I did not know how to drive, did not have a car, my speech / grammar was very bad (I had to learn how to speak proper English), I basically lacked common sense. I walked everywhere - to campus, to the bank, to the grocery store. I had severe social phobia and anxiety. My last class to complete my bachelor of science degree was oral communications (night class as I hate public speaking). Sometimes a grocery store trip took 2 hours. During this time, to make extra money, I began selling art on eBay, making enough money to cover the monthly rent an bills. I drew portraits and also anime fanart.
Fast forward through med school, my social phobia began to improve as I got more exposure talking to people. It was my first day of clinical rotation on internal medicine and no one would show me how to write a progress note except one student. I was so shocked that someone could be this nice, to take time out of their schedule to help me. I continued to follow him like a lost puppy and we became friends. I had never dated anyone before and after 6 months of being friends he asked me to go to Starbucks. We eventually got engaged, then married, and moved to separate states to do our residencies.
Some background information about my husband - he was born in India and moved to Canada as a child. His dad was in the navy and his mom was a teacher. They had servants growing up who did all the cleaning, cooking, etc. He was given pretty much anything he asked for, which looking back, explains a lot of his behavior.
After completing residency, we finally moved to start our family practice careers. When we started living together as a married couple, things started to change. He expected me to wait on him - cook, clean, head massage, fold his clothes - basically everything his mother did for him. And if I did not do something right or not do it right away, he would get upset and run and tell his mother everything. He talked to her about our arguments all of the time.
Overtime, he began calling me names like b****, neurotic, crazy, delusional, childish, etc. Several months ago I was washing a large plastic bin in the sink and he was concerned I would knock a glass onto the floor and it would break. He started screaming at me, took the bin from me, threw it in the hall and then slapped me in the back of the head. Over the years, he would belittle me, make fun of where I grew up, call me naïve if I did not know how something worked. A few months ago he wanted chicken and so I made some in the Air Fryer, but it wasn't the same as his mom's chicken, and he yelled at me, saying I ruined the chicken and told his mom. I offered to make the chicken again, but he refused to eat it if I did, and DoorDashed Chinese food. He also calls me weird and says no one else would put up with me - meaning my collection of Sailor Moon dolls and Animal Crossing merchandise is a turn off. (BTW, when I was in medical school, I played a lot of Animal Crossing back in those days, they were so positive!)
He will not let me sleep in the same bed, saying I disturb his sleep. He sleeps in the Master Bedroom and I either sleep in the living room on the couch or in the attic. There was an instant where he had gone to sleep and I needed a new toothbrush, so I snuck in the Master Bedroom, crawling with my cellphone light on, but he saw it, got extremely angry and went to knock everything over in my closet, screaming obscenities. I could not sleep that night and had to go into the clinic in the morning to see patients, pretending nothing was wrong. My eyes were extremely swollen from crying and the staff had asked if I was feeling ok, thinking I was getting COVID. I dreaded coming home, often times hoping I would get in a car accident and die.
Last year I was diagnosed with autoimmune diseases narcolepsy and ankylosing spondylitis after contracting COVID from a patient who lied about having it during the COVID pre-screen questionnaire. I had to establish with neurologist and rheumatologist for treatment, and now take medications. Due to my declining health, I had to leave my clinic job as a family physician and now I work from home via Telehealth.
Something happened last night that made me realize my husband does not love me, and honestly, I don't believe anyone in this world loves me. I don't think I love myself. I wanted to sleep in the same bed with my husband and he got upset, saying I woke him up with having restless legs. He threw the blanket off of me, tore off the heated eye mask I was wearing and turned on the tv to 80 points so that I would leave the room. He then passed gas extremely loud and then LAUGHED as I started to cry. I left, going up to the attic to sleep.
When I try to talk to my husband about how I feel, he always turns it around on me, saying I have a big ego, I can't take criticism and I'm too sensitive. When I request I would like him to be more positive, he says things like, "this is the real world, people aren't nice." I think he became a physician because he was expected to, not because he wanted to. He starts to say things like, "I do all kinds of things for you! I pay the bills, take the dog places, follow up on important tasks that you forget!"
I apologize for the long essay, this is the first time I have told my story, to strangers on the internet. I often think what is my purpose in life? I miss my patients from the clinic, I miss that human bond. Now I feel lonely, hopeless and don't know where to go from here. What can I do to improve my life and my self esteem without the medical board knowing?