Pre-Global Outbreak Hershel Greene's farm has been in his family for 160 years. (Bloodletting) Hershel left home at age 15 and didn't return for his father's funeral. (18 Miles Out) He is an alcoholic. He drank heavily at the local bar every night until Maggie was born, and then he quit cold turkey. His first wife, Josephine, bought back his grandfather's pocket watch when he became sober, which he'd pawned long ago to pay for his drinking habits. (Nebraska) Dale Horvath and his wife, Irma, suffered a miscarriage. Before she lost the baby, Irma spent that Thanksgiving in misery from the meat aversions she was suffering. (Secrets) Irma Horvath developed cancer and later succumbed to her disease. (Wildfire) Daryl and Merle Dixon's mother died in a house fire; at the time, Daryl was old enough to ride a bicycle, and Merle was under 18. (Hounded) When he was under 12 years old, Daryl got lost in the woods and eventually found his own way home. (Triggerfinger) Merle sometimes made Daryl donate his blood for money. (Rest in Peace) Michonne is at school with her friend Jocelyn. (Scars) When he was in high school, Shane Walsh once stole the principal's car at lunch hour and filled it with chicken feed before getting back to school in time to finish his sandwich before the bell rang. (Save the Last One) Rick Grimes and his son, Carl, used to go on walks through the neighborhood when Carl was three years old. (Worth) Andrea Harrison's father gave her a gun to protect her and her sister, Amy, as they left for their road trip not long before the outbreak. (What Lies Ahead) Philip Blake lost his wife in a car accident 18 months before the outbreak started. (Killer Within) Terminus member Martin used to watch football games with friends on Sundays. He also attended church regularly. (No Sanctuary) Glenn had moved to Atlanta where he found employment as a pizza delivery boy. It was during this period where he gained insightful knowledge regarding the city streets and layout. Jim lived in Atlanta with his family and he was an auto mechanic specialized in vehicle repair. Theodore Douglas played football in college, and was given the nickname 'T-Dog'. 131 days before the Global Outbreak, the Wildfire virus begins reanimating corpses. Its existence is unknown to the general public. (Wildfire) Lucille discovers she has cancer and that her husband Negan is having an affair. Shootout day Rick Grimes and Shane discuss Rick's family. No mention of zombies. (Days Gone Bye) Rick and Shane engage in a shootout. Rick gets shot and passes out. (Days Gone Bye) Outside Carl's school, Lori Grimes and her friend, Paula, talk about Lori's relationship with Rick. Shane arrives and tells Lori that Rick has been shot and is in the hospital. Lori relays this information to Carl as Shane looks on. (Bloodletting) After the shootout day Shane visits Rick in the hospital with flowers. (What Lies Ahead) Lori and Carl then visit Rick in the hospital. Carl offers to give Rick blood. (Nebraska)
Kita looks in her hand, holding a basket with a few veg and eggs. A little confused, she reaches for her head and feels a hair band wrapped around it as her hair drapes freely over her shoulders. What was I doin'
“Here you go, Kita”.
She spins in a panic, raising her hands to guard.
“Oh”, she responds as her eyes come upon the vast plantations and animal kraals, tightly surrounded by a luscious forest.
“You’re too young to be going crazy, my sweet,” says an old lady as she puts a few slices of ham into the basket. “A’jem offered a generous cow recently, so there is a little extra for everybody today”.
Kita Smiles, “Thanks, Ami. Did you do something with your hair? It's pretty,”
“Thank you, my sweet”, Ami giggles as she pushes her grey hair behind her ear.
“Today is the recurrence of me and A’jem. When the dots of Yeo appear in the night sky, we are reminded of our bond.”
“Yeo?” asks Kita.
“I won’t be able to give you the full story today, my sweet- But according to the scripts, Yeo is the spirit of provision, and due to our bond matching on this day- we are tasked with the provision of the crops,"
“I didn’t know the spirits provided our tasks?”
Ami makes her way to the nearby pile of greens that have been plucked.
“They once did… Today, they seem to be dealing with other matters,”
Ami chuckles, Carefully rooting some of the nearby crops and placing them into a basket beside her.
“I’m sure your Mother would like those recipes to make breakfast, Kita. We can explore your curiosity at another time”.
“Oh... Of course. Thanks for the extra slices, Ami.” She says, turning to make her way back up the hill.
“M’pai Yeo Ket’p prauvhishk,” Ami calls out to Kita. May Yeo continue to provide.
On her way up the hill, she can see above all the trees surrounding the farm, with the sol casting a warm, orange light against the pinnacle of the whisping greenery. The village resides atop a flat hill, making the walk up quite steep and more suited for the youth of the village. At the peak of the trail, you can see the entire surrounding area with the green extending far beyond what she initially thought. She walks this path every day. Why does it seem so unfamiliar now?
The town reaches from the North, round to the East and South. To the west is a stretch of mountains leading straight up north. Apparently, the sea resides to the South, but it can’t be seen from here. Ta’ah and I should try finding it sometime.
She arrives on the Eastern side of the village and walks up to two large, interconnected tipis. She steps through the entrance draped with beads that clatter like a soft rain as she steps through them. Her heartbeat rises as she steps through this uncannily familiar place.
She knows she lives here, why does it feel like she hasn't been here in a while?
There's wooden art on every countertop and suspended from the ceiling of every room. Some are much bigger than others, occupying a space on the floor but standing as tall as the shelves and cupboards. In the centre of the ceiling is a chandelier, with dozens of fireflies circling around its nest in the centre.
As Kita steps into the hall of the connected tipis, she can see a lady seated in the other room, before a small fire in the middle. Kita can only see the back of her head, and hear the sound of chopping emanating from the lady's lap… she's preparing a meal. Is she?
Kita's eyes widen in shock as she recognizes the back of her lady’s head. Sitting in the chair she always sits in when she chops vegetables for breakfast or dinner. Kita stumbles backwards, and the basket of meats and vegetables slips out of her hand, crashing to the floor as a plethora of coin spills out.
Surprised by the coin in her basket, she looks back up to see if the lady noticed, but is met with the face of a man, looking at her with concern as he mouths some words she can't make out. What is this?
She realizes something is off. She's not really here… is she? The fabrics of the tipi around her slowly dissipate to reveal the bodies of shoppers and residents all around her. She tries to glance past the man's head, at her lady still sitting in the chair- But all these tables and people start to get in the way.
"Mom?" Kita asks, catching the ladies' attention before she disappears.
"Perfect timing, Ki," Her soft, loving voice responds as she slowly turns her head. Kita's heart races, as the lady slowly turns around to see her- But before Kita gets the chance, she is back in the cave.
Everything comes back to her like a vortex as she hears the man's panicked voice.
"Miss, are you okay?" What just happened?
Kita tries to recall why the shopkeeper is so concerned but only remembers a moment of blackness. Noticing that her hand is trembling uncontrollably- She quickly puts her hand behind her back, hoping the man didn't notice.
Faint images dissipate in her mind as the feeling of an unfamiliar memory fades away.
"I'm fine," Kita steps away from him. Tilting her head to see past him, only to see shoppers and passers-by. She feels disappointed, as if something is incomplete. But what? What did she see? The experience slips away from her like a forgettable name, leaving her with questions and vague ideas.
She crouches down to pick up all the coin she'd dropped, then stands back up with her arm outstretched. Hoping the man just takes the coin and goes on with his day without trying to get all religious about what just happened.
He squints in confusion. Taken aback by her strange behaviour. Then he looks down at her hand, back up at her, and reaches his hand out.
"Thank you for your business, Miss,"
Kita nods her head, without saying a word. Anything she'd try to say would slur out of her mouth and make things more awkward. Now pacing away from the man's stall with haste, she massages her temple; it strains under the weight of her worrying and thinking.
Something just happened. For a brief moment, she wasn't here. Where was she? Why can't I remember?
She doesn't want to lose it.
She sits on the floor, amongst the busy shoppers. Takes a deep breath before closing her eyes, and concentrates on the brief period of darkness. Thinking of the most immediate difference between that world and her own.
Air that was so… different. Every breath felt rich with substance.
"A farm?" Kita inquires, vaguely envisioning an unfamiliar old lady who accompanied it.
She tries to recall further. Who is the lady?
It is lost to her… But, a word comes to mind.
"Yeo," she says to herself. The meaning doesn't accompany the sound as it rolls from her lips.
And after that…
A numbness trickles in her stomach- Giving her the urge to throw up in discomfort. There’s something inside of her that she desperately needs to eject.
"Mother?" She whispers to herself. Her eyes whip open when she recalls what came next, and the numbness grows- a good and bad sign. I saw my Mother.
What did she look like? She cannot place a face or even a hair colour on it. She is certain she saw her, but she also knows she didn't. This may all be fabricated.
This hollow feeling is irrational. Why does she miss someone she can't remember? She knows nothing about her Mother, yet the thought of whoever that might be makes Kita feel… Sad? Is this sadness?
The distance between herself and her emotions is larger than she was aware of. She should know what sadness feels like- She should know why she’s sad… Right?
Kita stands to her feet, all the more confused by the details she barely recalls. It's unnecessarily frustrating. She'd rather go about her day than continue straining her mind over nonsense. All these thoughts of family life, religion and her past are a part of her mind she can’t deal with all at once.
She’s not built for that life anyway. Someone who has no grasp of their own emotions or sense of self isn’t fit for a 'regular' life. No, most people in this world haven’t had theirs taken from them. They haven’t had their entire sense of being wiped clean, as if it’s a dirty rag. Nobody could truly understand what she’s going through. Nor would they understand what she will have to do to get it all back.
She’s a monster.
It’s the only way for her to get her soul back...
get it back. AUTHOR'S NOTES Read ahead on RoyalRoad [https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/68702/soul-stealer-anti-hero-reincarnation-fantasy](https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/68702/soul-stealer-anti-hero-reincarnation-fantasy
) Kita's thoughts - Post Chapter 15 "Mom?"
Hi everyone! I've been a lurker here for a while, and I've been reading different stories about people who worked in crypto sharing their regrets and/or spiteful feelings here, so it encouraged me to share my own. I never really post or comment on reddit except in gaming subreddits for help, so this is a first! I hope I don't bore you to death, but I imagine it might feel a little nice venting it out.
In hindsight, I didn't realise this would be such a long, long read, so please forgive the wall of text. This is really really long, but I don't care; I just wanted to get it all out to actual people. Read it if you will.
Lemme get some key points outta the way so we don't start off on the wrong foot
· at the beginning, I was never really "pro" or "anti" crypto
· I didn't lose any money lol
· throughout the whole thing, I was crypto neutral
· I managed to stop the project before it launched
· please do not refer me to suicide hotlines, I'm already going through therapy
· I was ignorant about crypto at the beginning; but now I know, so please, no lectures!
· I haven't "made money" either; in fact, I put a stop to the thing my friends were working on.
· I don't think I'm very smart, in fact, I feel stupid and useless after this whole debacle
· This doesn't really have a happy or "bad" ending, so please don't expect a happy ending. Also, again, please, please refrain from "giving advice." Just hear this out, and that's it. Make fun of this or ridicule it or empathise with it, I don't care; just don't "give advice" or "reassure" or whatever. Have the decency to just read something like this and let it be. Thank you!! About myself:
I don't really have a background in tech, and most of this is rather confusing stuff (then and now). I'm actually never on social media or the internet too often. I'm a writer, musician, and artist (mostly writer and musician), and I've done administrative work, project management, and journalism work to get by. I'm currently studying my undergraduate degree. I'll go about this chronologically. 2021 Jan - Sep:
one of my friends got into crypto. He's a programmer (and a good one at that). I observed from the sidelines, and he kept talking about how much money he's made by trading. The concept of it never made any sense to me, but I'm not a programmer
and I trusted my friend, so I was like "well, good for you." I never really understood any of that trading hubbub either!
I never really paid attention to any of this stuff, I was usually out with my friends, working, making music, playing games, or just writing. I never even owned a twitter account until late 2021! 2021 Sep:
My friend made a whole lot of money one day, and I was pleasantly surprised! This guy always had those chart things on his screen 24/7 (never closed) whenever we went to his house, so we were all like "what the heck, that's hard work, huh?" I was genuinely happy that he's gotten his big break, because I believed he deserved it. He's one of the most talented people I know. Turns out one of his friends ran this crypto project with all these strange buzzwords that I still couldn't quite understand and gave him some "airdrops" before the "governance" token things launched. Oh, this isn't the thing I worked for, by the way! 2021 Oct:
I didn't know too much about crypto, but I got it's selling point (or, well, I was dumb enough to fall for it). At least according to them, it's internet money that you can send anywhere at any time that you "own" and no central authorities own whatsoever (now I know that this concept is just incredibly stupid, but bear with me). I mean, I wasn't really an anti-government nut (and I didn't really turn into one either), but my friend's adamant on it, so I was like "well, why not?" and put $1000 in — wired it to this exchange (hint:
it's not FTX, Coinbase, or Binance). Long story short, I put some money into that "Sandbox" thing and made a good few hundred bucks when it went up. There wasn't any real reasoning other than "well, Sandbox is a game, and people must use it for things, right?"
Oh, also, sandbox did these giveaway things for some "alpha pass" where you play their game and post a screenshot on twitter and win one of these alpha pass NFTs that you can sell on the market. I lucked out, got one, immediately sold it — I made like $5000 reselling that thing at "floor price." I remember thinking "woah, these guys must really
want to play this game," which was naive and stupid, I guess. 2021 Nov - 2022 March:
I cashed that out (the exchange wires that money back into your bank account for you) and steered clear later, because the whole thing was too much for me, staring at those dumb charts watching lines go up and down. That was all the money I ever made from crypto. I used it to buy some much needed medical devices, a guitar, and.. well, a new mattress. I donated the remainder away. Every time I asked my programmer friends to explain something or the other, it's always handwaving to "DYOR!" Every source they pointed me to confused me even more, and now I know that's deliberate with these grifters. 2022 March - May:
I was still in their group chat so I could see them talk about it every now and then. Sometimes I drop in my comments about real-world news. One day, my friends were talking about starting an actual business. This was something I had experience in, and as far as I've seen, anything tangible that anyone's ever done with crypto was usually with games. I've had this idea for a type of game that I really cherished, and one of my friends had experience as a game developer. It was a relatively simple idea.
Let me tell you though, I really loved
this game subcategory. I'm even in a university society for it. It's been one of my lifelong dreams to see my idea come to life. So I pitched the idea in, cause why not? The subcategory was never done in crypto, so at least we'd have the advantage of novelty, I thought. They weren't really sure how to monetise it, so I said "why not monetise the characters?" It seemed reasonable at the time: the characters could act as access points to the game and anyone could buy new characters for like, what, 5 bucks? At least that's what I had in mind. They agreed, so I found a popular NFT project to pitch the idea for (since it made more sense to work under an organisation rather than going full indie into a space we had no reputation in yet).
At the time, my friends said making these characters NFTs would give people "real ownership" and be a way to "support digital artists by cutting out the middleman." I mean, as a writer and musician, that did appeal to me. I didn't really question much of it (and I know I should
have, it should have been due diligence, that was careless on my part). I thought "maybe we could make these NFTs customisable, because that's what RPGs are about, right?" and we went ahead with that. 2022 April - June:
Here's a reminder: I'm a social media hermit. I never get on it unless it's checking on someone on Facebook or Instagram (or messaging). I never had twitter until 2021! So, I've never heard of people like Molly White, Tante, David Gerard, Amy Castor, yada yada until around this time. One my friends showed me Dan Olson's "Line Goes Up
." And man, what a watch that was. It confirmed my gut feelings about crypto, that this is all just... hollow, insane, crazy stuff. My heart sank after watching that video.
I remember googling "responses to Line Goes Up" because I was in denial back then, not because I "believed" in crypto but I just didn't want to admit I've wasted so much time and energy. And I remember how every single "response" was just... idiotic. At that point, I sent that video to that NFT organisation's discord and said "if we're all genuine about this, maybe we should watch this and try to improve ourselves." It was the whole sunk cost fallacy thing, I wanted to believe that I didn't waste my time being a complete dork.
But after a certain point, I just couldn't run away from it anymore. I told my friends "let's just switch to making a steam game, we haven't lost or earned any money yet." It was an idea that was doable with a steam game, like... all you had to do was just change the monetisation bit to having players spend 5 bucks buying it... on steam... lol. Ah, but my friends were like "no.
" They won't do it. They wanted to make NFTs, and I couldn't understand for the love of god why you would do that. It was my idea, they had never played a game like that in their lives, I was the only one with any exposure in that regard.
Also, I was the one making the art as well, like... the character sprites. I'd spent so much time drawing those character sprites, their features, etc. I spent some time making some music, and even some background lore that fit in with the other NFT project we were working under. I barely checked their stupid discord things or twitter posts since I was so busy actually drawing and writing stuff. This was a passion project for me, and I was focused on making the game.
You have no idea how much I love these types of role-playing games (but I'm not going into detail as to what that is because I'm not so comfortable).
Little did my stupid ass realise that these things were a pyramid scheme, and I was right at the middle or bottom. Little did my naive ass realise that none of these people liked my idea or even cared; people like me doing actual stuff gave them legitimacy, so people like me were just... pawns, I guess. Being the idiot I was, I engaged with my real name
and my real identity,
because that's what honest people do when they're selling a fucking game they'd be proud of, right? What a mistake. And my friends who knew
what this stuff is never stopped me from doing any of it
while I naively put my name and reputation at the front. After watching line goes up and then reading more and more sources (and eventually stumbling across Buttcoin on reddit!) I reached the point of no return: Crypto and blockchain were useless in all possible ways, they never made sense as a technology, they're filled with disgusting people with disgusting anarcho-capitalist ideals, and there will never be a point where the "blockchain" will ever find a use-case beyond grifting, speculating, gambling, and money laundering because that is inherent to this technology's design. It is irredeemable. NFTs were never about empowering artists like us and it could never even do that at all because the premise and technology are flawed to begin with!
That was my realisation over time after actually reading about this from critical sources (which, at the top of the hype, I thought wasn't even really there because I had bought into my programmer friends' narrative that this is just like the internet and "everybody is in.")
I only wish I realised it sooner. 2022 June - July:
I vehemently begged my friends to stop. I didn't want to make or sell NFTs anymore after realising what it was. I didn't even want the money (and god knows I could use that money since it could pay off my father's debts, but not like this.
Not by hurting other people who may just be in the same position as I am by "winning" or "doing really 'smart' stuff.")
No one listened. I was about to quit, until the NFT organisation we were working under announced a grant.
I saw this as an opportunity to put a stop to my own friends making their own NFTs, and I grabbed it. I begged and pleaded them to apply for that grant, which they begrudgingly did. I applied for that grant thing and it got approved, and all my friends were really excited about it. They all agreed to not make NFTs anymore and just make a free-to-play game. We worded the grant that way too.
But it still didn't sit right with me personally. I agonised over it still. Sure, it's grant money now... but how did that bigger NFT organisation get that money? Obviously, by selling NFTs and collecting resale "royalties." I guess it didn't matter to my friends, but to me, that's blood money.
None of them were writers or artists, by the way. They were just... tech people. Techbros, I guess.
Anyway, the grant thing works by having people vote for it, and you get as much money as the votes you get. Our idea was good and we actually had a skillset, so we got like a little over four digits, which is big to someone like me, at least!
But it still didn't sit right with me.
I agonised over it all the time, thinking about just how I had soiled and shat on my lifelong passion idea, and how my name was out there associated with these people.
I just couldn't stand it anymore. One day, I told my friends that I was fucking quitting (this was in the middle of the grant voting process, that thing dragged on for about a couple of weeks) if they didn't turn this into a steam game instead. They chose to just let me quit, take the project for themselves, and... uh, take the grant money.
My friends got me on voice call and kinda hounded me, saying "well we understand if you want to quit but damn that sucks, it's a lot of money, man. It's been my dream too to make a game like that ever since my childhood." That last line really struck home because it was something I could empathise with, but then I recognised it as just... them trying to justify making fat stacks lol. They never really felt that way, and I'll tell you why I think that in a bit.
Either way, I quit.
I got out. I didn't even take any compensation money. I mean, why would I lie about it here under an anonymous throwaway account anyway? I have nothing to gain from it, not even "karma farming" since I'm throwing this account away lol. Just... I couldn't stand it anymore, man. 2022 July - September:
I spent this time distancing from these people and this crowd. I grew depressed. I hadn't lost any money, but I wasted so much time. I was left feeling disillusioned about my friends. To them, I was overreacting, I was being a cunt, I was just being so difficult! I just was standing in their way of "making bread" and "hustling!"
I stopped going out or hanging out with my friends.
I stopped going to that uni society out of shame. They don't know about it but I just can't even see the game the same way anymore. I felt so ashamed.
I never played that game with my usual other friends who I used to play it with a long time back either. They don't know about any of this either, but I was just so ashamed and disgusted. It kind of feels traumatic.
I stopped writing and barely made any music. I picked up a new tablet and learned to draw in a new style, but eventually I stopped that too. I just didn't feel like it anymore.
I got burned out. I barely was able to hand in my assignments. I had stopped going to classes because I just couldn't bother getting out of bed and going out there into actual society again. I felt like I was a disgusting, naive piece of shit that would just stain otherwise normal people.
I spent my days agonising about the day someone found out that I made art for this dumb project, that I was out there passionately talking about this idea like a stupid nerdy dumbfuck, and that I am associated with it even though I quit. One of my other friends who quit with me said he'd provide testimony of my side of things, but that's not really comforting.
I mean, it's a fringe thing anyway, we barely made anything. My friends got the grant, and I spend every single day agonising over it. I mean, it's not direct "profits" from NFTs, but where'd that grant money come from in the first place, huh?
My worst fear was that they'd pocket it and not even make the game. And they did. I guess those other NFTbros really didn't notice it since a few thousand bucks is just spare change to these grifter overlords. Again, I never took any money from it.
I can only thank god that I stopped them from making their own NFTs though, otherwise I really couldn't live with myself.
Every single day, I keep checking my old discord account and twitter like I'm obsessed, out of fear. I honestly don't care if it's just me that gets fucked by association, but I don't want my existence to become a burden to my poor siblings and parents just by being associated with me. I don't want their reputations to go to the shitter. They're hardworking, honest people who don't waste their time on stupid things like I have. They don't deserve that, at least. It should be me that should suffer.
Everyday, I agonise over it.
I couldn't really cry or anything about it, I just felt hollow, I guess. I've lost interest in most of the things I loved. Sometimes I play games, sometimes I scribble for the fucks of it, sometimes I read, sometimes I write in my notebook, but that's it. I had stopped going out, and I hadn't seen anyone for a long while. 2022 September - 2022 November:
I bought a rope and a pull-up bar. I continually kept writing in my journal to prepare a good, coherent suicide note instead of, like... writing it all incoherently at the last minute and then peacing out lol. The pull-up bar is because my dorm doesn't really have any places I could hang my rope from, so if I attach the pull-up bar to the door, I could tie the rope onto it and hang.
The other way I thought of doing it was heroin, because apparently it just quietly puts you to sleep; but I'm scared of needles and I don't want to buy anything on the dark web. I've never done hard drugs like that anyway.
I kept procrastinating it. Partly because I had grown too lazy to even learn how to tie a hangman's knot, and partly because I was still afraid. The thing is, I've already been diagnosed with a mental health issue that also causes depression for nearly a decade now. This, though, was the worst I ever felt. The part that sucks the most is that the game idea was a passion project for me. It was something I've always dreamed of doing. It was the sort of games I really, really loved. It was the sort of art I loved making and seeing too. It was the kind of music I had fun composing. The story idea was something from my own long-held ideas that I wanted to bring to life, and now that's in the shitter too.
On some days, I woke up with absolute certainty of what I was going to do: learn to tie that knot, hang it up, and be done with it. I got distracted, and eventually I'd forget and doze off again. I spend most of my time chatting online with some of my friends (via text), which was something I rarely ever did a few years ago. I was more known for rarely responding to texts because I was outside so frequently lol.
I decided to see everyone for one last time before I did it, so I waited to get back to my own home country first. I wanted to just see everyone and sort of hang out with them as an unspoken farewell thing before I did it. 2022 December:
I went back home, I hung out with my friends and family, and I was my usual self. I don't think anyone really caught on. We all made plans to go places and do stuff, and we did. It was a nice little time with everyone. I even kind of felt like myself again. I went swimming, went to friends' houses, met up with old friends, etc. I even put up a local art page and dropped some of my writings, music, and art on there. 2023 January:
It was almost time to go back, but I went on a vacation to this country with a friend by ourselves. We ate local food at the stalls and just backpacked on a budget. We went hiking and sightseeing. We went to night markets, canoed in a river, and went camping in the woods. I actually finished one of my assignments on a train ride to this city. We did so many things, but I don't want to go off on a tangent. That experience made me forget these feelings for a while. It meant a lot to me, but I'll keep it at that for this subreddit. 2023 Late January - Now:
I went back, these feelings returned. I've spiralled back into agonising now, but I'm seeing a therapist and a university counsellor now. It hasn't gotten as bad as it was in September last year, and especially now I feel reluctant to do it because one of them told me "your death doesn't happen to you, it happens to the people around you."
I'm kind of just picking myself up from here, trying to forget this ever happened, and working in other industries I used to work in back then. But I know that as soon as anyone finds out I was associated with any of this, I will
get rid of myself. At the very least, my family would be spared then, and I wouldn't be such a burden, no matter what my therapist says.
I'm more or less just empty and neutral now. I haven't really done anything other than just study, go to classes, and do my assignments. My daily activities consist of eating, shitting, pissing, sleeping, and repeat. If someone from 3 years ago saw me now, they'd think I'm an entirely different person.
One day I'll move on, make peace with myself, and forget about it. That's what I hope for, at least. I'm at least thankful that I've been able to stop my friends from actually making NFTs or a crypto coin and actually hurting people. I'm just glad. I don't know or care what they're up to now. I couldn't be arsed anymore.
I saw people share their stories, and I felt like doing that myself too. It turned out longer than I expected, but I didn't want to leave anyone hanging, lol, so I wrote about everything from start to finish. Sorry if that turned out to be way too long. Thanks for taking your time getting this far if you have.
I hope no one else has agonised or will have to agonise the way I have.