Waited an hour &a half in queue starting at 9:40 a.m. for Detroit, MI. When it was time to buy tickets it took me to a white screen. I was too afraid to refresh but I eventually did &it worked. Everything was sold out. Was trying to surprise my boyfriend of 15 years for Father's Day for our first date in 8 years [raising kids, adopting nephews, supporting family, etc]. So beyond bummed.

Eurovision Song Contest is an international competition that has been running annually since 1956. It's a massive event as a total of 52 countries participated in Eurovision and it's a fun event. Everybody has their own reason for watching it from supporting their own country, celebrating different cultures, enjoying music to appreciating Dustin the Turkey.
You don't need to know details on how voting works or how Eurovision works as we are going to focus on something else. Specifically, the process of choosing the performer. Some countries have a committee that picks a willing performed and some host a competition.
The size and length of the competition differ in each country as every country has their own budget. You can either have Swedish Melodifestivalen or Polish Tu Bije Serce Europy! Wybieramy hit na Eurowizję!. Today, we are going to focus on Poland's history of pre-selections and the latest drama.
Important information.
The post is a bit unique due to the nature of the sources. It's recommended to listen to music videos from 2023 with headphones and without them to get the full experience. There will be mentions of gossip and conspiracies, so wearing a tin foil hat is recommended. Almost all sources are in Polish and they were translated by me. I'm not a professional translator and so I am prone to making mistakes. After a while, this post is going to be edited to include a link to a comment explaining the translation process. Some sources have comments sections and you may encounter triggering content.

Holding onto memories - The history of Poland in Eurovision

Poland debuted in 1994 with "To nie ja" by Edyta Górniak, who was sent by a Polish tv broadcaster known as TVP. The song almost got disqualified, but it wasn't and Górniak got 2nd place for Poland. It was the first time, when Poland was in the top 3 and also currently the last one.
Then there were 5 years of being outside the top 10, which resulted in Poland withdrawing from Eurovision 2000. Poland returned for the 2001 edition, but Piasek's bad performance resulted in Poland withdrawing again.
Then in 2003, Ich Troje with "Keine Grenzen - Żadnych Granic" finally breaks the unlucky strike as they manage to get 7th place. Unfortunately, the unlucky strike comes back. Blue Cafe only manages to get 17th place. Next years are similarly bad. 2 years of not qualifying for the final, 24th place and 3 years of not qualifying. One of the representatives that didn't qualify was Ich Troje, who came back with "Follow my heart".
Poland withdrew again for 2 years, partially due to hosting UEFA Euro with Ukraine. The return of Poland in 2014 was controversial as "My słowianie" by Donatan & Cleo was chosen. The song is basically about how Slavic girls are the best wives as they know how to use body language. It divided Polish viewers. Some treated it as a fun satire of Polish stereotypes (hypersexual girls, poor old-fashioned country, etc.), while others had issues with the song spreading these stereotypes and the sexual nature of the music video. According to one of the biggest Polish newspapers, Britain described the song as a typical weird Eurovision song and they thought it was about bread. Sweden threw sexism allegations, while Germany described the music video as softcore porn.
It also started a discussion about Eurovision and how it's viewed by others. The same newspaper described Polish viewers treating participation in Eurovision as a matter of national pride and how the scale of emotions is similar to a schizophrenic patient running from one end of the room to another. Even when the quality of competition can be questionable.
Donatan&Cleo got 14th place and Poland didn't withdraw. It was probably a good decision as Michał Szpak with his song "Colour of Life" got 8th place in 2016. There were two controversies surrounding Szpak. One of them was a difference between televotes and judges' votes, but the controversy was quickly forgotten. Another controversy is related to TVP, but I will cover it later.
Then Poland got 22nd place and it had 3 songs not qualifying for a final in the row, again. The third song that didn't qualify was "The Ride" by RAFAŁ, which became a meme due to a horrible live performance. It was so bad that many Polish viewers wanted RAFAŁ to not qualify for finals.
The unlucky strike got interrupted by "River" by Ochman, who managed to get 12th place. The live performance became meme due to cheap special effects.

I ain't done yet - Everything about TVP

TVP (Telewizja Polska S.A) is one of the oldest TV broadcasters in Poland and also a controversial one. If you say "politics" and "TVP" in one sentence, you are legally allowed to change your name to Pandora. But you can't escape from TVP, especially if you are interested in music competitions for newcomers. They are associated with one of the biggest music festivals in Poland (Opole Festival) and run three different editions of The Voice (Of Poland, Kids and Senior). Other TV broadcasters don't offer too much. Polsat keeps changing trying different formats and the last music competition was in 2020. TVN has only Got Talent.
Going back to Eurovision, TVP is responsible for anything related to Eurovision. Depending on the year, you may expect either an internal selection carried or a competition. Both of them have their own unique reputation due to many reasons.
The most controversial entry from an internal selection is The Ride from 2021. At that time, most people expected to see Alicja with her song "Empires". Alicja won Szansa na Sukces (a music competition, where singers get a chance to perform somewhere) and she was supposed to participate in Eurovision 2020, but it got cancelled due to covid. Most countries decided to send their 2020 representative, so expectations weren't unreasonable. Yet, TVP decided to do something else and Poland ended up getting multiple memes about RAFAŁ instead of the sweet victory.
However, this doesn't mean that music competitions are without flaws. Some people in TVP wanted to remove Michał Szpak from the competition due to being worried about him potentially winning, but the director Radek Kobiałko and other people organising the competition 2016 decided to stand up against it. The reason behind it is unclear, but Michał Szpak used to be controversial due to his androgynous looks and presentation.
Then there were some minor issues with the first edition Tu Bije Serce Europy!, which were brought up one year later due to the 2023 drama. Some viewers have noticed that one song "Paranoia" by Daria has been promoted by TVP. Daria performed her song before the show. She performed at New Year's Eve's Music Festival by TVP and somebody could say that was TVP's conspiracy to secure Daria's televotes victory. However, Ochman won and some say it was due to the voting consisting of two rounds.
This leads us to 26th February 2023 and the latest drama. Grab your popcorn as we are going back to the past and I am going to serve as your host.

Welcome to the party - The show

It's 17:30 and you are watching TVP 1. The show begins and so it's time to explain to you how the show works.
Tu bije serce Europy! Wybieramy hit na Eurowizję! 2023 works similarly to the previous edition. Every performed could send one song and that song had to meet standard requirements for Eurovision. Specific requirements are under point 6 and other rules, can be read here. Around 300 songs were sent to TVP and only 10 of them could make it to the show.
Each judge has 100 points and they have to judge each contestant... That's how I would explain rules if they weren't changed 4 days before the competition. It was a fully legal move from TVP as rule 39 specifies that TVP has the power to change rules. The explanation was given by TVP and rules were changed to be closer to those in Eurovision.
Now each judge gives points (12, 10, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1) to contestants. Points are then added together and the contestant with the highest total gets 12 points. The next person gets 10 points, etc. Viewers can still vote and they are still as important as judges. Voting works the same, except viewers don't give points.
Without further ado, let's meet the judges and the contestants.
The judges

• Edyta Górniak - She is our first judge and the chairwoman of judges. She is a singer active since 1990 and she has been at the centre of gossip magazines since her participation in Eurovision. She was a judge in some TVP music competitions such as The Voice of Poland and she performed in many events organised by TVP. She also performed in other shows hosted by other TV broadcasters. Like in the case of many stars, Górniak caused many controversies. One of the things that you should know is the fact that Górniak is spiritual and openly talks about her beliefs.
• Agustin Egurrola - If you are watching a music/dance competition or a music festival on TV, you will probably see him or his name. Egurolla is a famous dancer and choreographer. He worked in many different shows as either a dance choreographer or a judge. His dancers performed at NYE Music Festival 2022.
• Marek Sierocki - So there is a mixture here. He is well known for journalism, hosting some music competitions or being a commentator for those. This includes Eurovision Junior 2021.
• Aneta Woźniak - A new director in TVP. There isn't a lot of information about her and she was mostly involved with TVP ABC (a channel for children).
• Marcin Kusy - A director of Polish radio Jedynka.

The contestants

• Natasza "Lift U Up"- If you ever watched other Polish pre-selections or 365 days, you may know her. Her career is longer than my life and you would probably see her at least once on TVP.
• Kuba Szmajkowski "You Do Me"- A fresh blood in the Polish celebrity world. His career started after performing in The Voice Kids 2017 and he managed to perform in finals. He performed in TVP's New Year's Eve Music Festival 2021 and 2022
• Ahlena "Booty" - A new singer that never for the public. She started composing in 2020 and her first song was "Booty".
• Dominik Dudek "Be Good" - The winner of the latest edition of The Voice of Poland that had a final in November 2022. The show started his career.
• Alicja "New Home" - The winner of pre-selections for Eurovision 2020, which unfortunately didn't happen due to covid. She has won 3 music competitions broadcasted by TVP and her music career has been steady since 2019.
• Felivers "Never Back Down" - Another fresh blood in the music world that has been active for 3-4 years. They performed Uptown Funk at TVP's NYE music festival 2022.
• Maja Hyży "Never Hide" - An established star that has started her music career thanks to TVN's X Factor 2012. She performed with Kuba Szmajkowski in 2021 and 2022 at the same music festival.
• Jann "Gladiator" - His career started in 2020 and performed in an alternative music festival known as Off Festival. Tu Bije Serce Europy! is his TV debiut.
• Blanka "Solo" - 2021 can be considered as the start of her music career. Solo is her second song and she performed it for TVP's NYE Music Festival 2022. She also performed as a guest for You Can Dance - Nowa Generacja 2.
• Yan Majewski "Champion" - Yan is another contestant of The Voice of Poland, specifically the 2021 edition. He later performed at the Grand Prix Festival of young talents 2022, TVP's NYE music festival 2022 and You Can Dance - Nowa Generacja 2.

At this point, you may probably see 3 things that were pointed out by fans and the media. The most obvious one is a lack of songs in Polish. Feliver's song only has one Polish segment and that's it. It has been a point of competition criticism, but it isn't anything abnormal. Poland has sent multiple entries in English and even English & Spanish before.
Another thing that can be noticed is the fact that only Ahlena and Jann don't have ties to TVP. Many contestants have performed for TVP at one point and many of them performed a couple of months before the competition. In the case of Yan Majewski and Blanka, you could see them on TVP a couple of days before the competition.
The third thing would be the quality of the show. While not all videos come directly from TVP, the quality doesn't differ that much from what you would see on TV. Journalists and fans openly talked about their ears bleeding thanks to some performances. There were even jokes about the quality of special effects and anything related to visuals. At this point, Poland's special effects are a meme and you can find videos depicting how the performance of (Insert Eurovision 2023 contestant) would look like if they represented Poland. What doesn't help is the fact that recordings from the audience and journalists tend to have better audio.
From things that you could only see by watching the full show, all contestants got at least one round of applause from the public. The craziest applause was for Jann before and after his performance. The beginning of his introduction could be barely heard and even hosts acknowledged the madness after his performance.
Now let's reveal results. During the show, Edyta Górniak was responsible for revealing results.

Name	Score
Blanka	12
Dominik Dudek	10
Felivers	8
Jann	7
Natasza	6
Alicja	5
Yan Majewski	4
Kuba Szmajkowski	3
Maja Hyży	2
Ahlena	1

This didn't sit well with the public. When Jann's score was revealed, many people started booing. It was so loud that Edyta Górniak had to ask whoever was giving her score to repeat themselves and you could hear it on TV.
There was also another moment of booing and screaming "EDYTA" after the results were revealed. Then it changed to screaming "USTAWKA" (set-up) and one of the hosts had to calm down the public again. Performances of the contestants were replayed and you can guess what happened when Jann's performance was shown. The crowd went for applause this time and became quiet during Blanka's performance.
This brings us to televoting. Rules changed again and now you can send up to 20 SMS from one SIM card. The cost of one SMS is 3.69 zł, which was the equivalent of $0.83 (US), £0.69 or €0.78. The total number of votes is unknown.
So now let's reveal the final score and the televote scores.
​

Name	Total Score	Televote Score
Blanka	22	10
Jann	19	12
Dominik Dudek	18	8
Felivers	14	6
Yan Majewski	11	7
Alicja	10	5
Natasza	8	2
Kuba Szmajkowski	6	3
Maja Hyży	6	4
Ahlena	2	1

Originally, TVP didn't reveal televote scores and viewers only had the total score. The televote ranking has been released by TVP one day later. Number of televotes is still not confirmed. According to one source, TVP has received over 35000 votes. There is also gossip that Jann has received 18000 votes, while Blanka has received only 6000.
But even without specifics, the audience was lukewarm. When 2nd place and 1st place were about to be revealed, the audience was cheering for Jann. When Blanka was revealed, the audience lost its energy. There were some cheers instead of booing, but they weren't too loud.

They mad - Initial reactions

While Blanka's show didn't end with booing, celebrities and social media exploded.
The celebrities' side had reactions ranging from strongly negative to neutral. Ralph Kamiński was openly supporting Jann and even promoted him. He also criticised the format of the show and how only viewers should decide whom to send to Eurovision. He called the situation a "SCANDAL!" and "SHAME!!!".
Michał Szpak was supporting Jann. When the results were revealed, he supposedly end up laughing and swearing on Instagram. During one of his interviews, he openly states that he is in Team Jann but he will be still supporting Blanka. He also added there will be lots of work for Blanka, but he is still hopeful and the song itself is catchy. Maja Hyży, Kuba Szmajkowski, Doda and Roxie Węgiel (Eurovision Junior 2018 winner) share similar views. Their interviews can be reduced to how they were cheering for Jann or another contestant, but it doesn't mean that they will not support Blanka. Then there is a small talk about how she doesn't deserve hate or how her song is catchy.
When ask about songs and singing abilities, Agnieszka Hekiert end up praising Jann's vocal abilities and only said that Blanka's song is a well-produced pop piece. Similarly, Ochman avoided answering a more direct question "Does Blanka sing nicely?".
Another celebrity worth mentioning is Ramona Rey. She also preferred Jann and she was the first celebrity to call out the lack of clarity from TVP regarding how songs for the show were selected. She also called out the lack of Polish songs and mentioned how her rejected song predicted the future.
Even those supporting other contestants had a negative reaction to Blanka. Sandra Kubicka was supporting and promoting Dominik Dudek due to him "singing, playing the guitar, composing and writing his own songs". Her reaction to Blanka was calling her song "disco polo". Disco polo has a similar reputation to modern pop. Some love it and some consider it low-quality music.
Social media was less kind than celebrities. People were either attacking Blanka or TVP. Every tiny move of judges and contestants was analysed. Some even dug through the social media of contestants to make their point about how somebody deserves or doesn't deserve to represent Poland. At that time, you could easily encounter homophobia, racism and conspiracy theories.
Media obviously decided to produce multiple articles about this situation and every website presented something different. It's hard to say if they media the situation worse or better as multiple things have been happening at the same time.
People were divided. For some, Blanka was a twin sister of Ariana Grande that didn't show anything special. That's from one article and from there comments kept getting worse or better. Blanka was either considered a shallow rich girl with a generic song or a singer making others smile with her summer vibes. On another hand, Jann was a talented underdog who was too controversial for TVP or a copy of Måneskin that was singing out of tune.
TVP and others also got lots of comments. Some openly stated that they would be fine with Jann losing, if TVP decided to send either Dominik Dudek or Alicja. Others mentioned the political situation in Poland and how TVP perfectly shows corruption in Poland. One of the things that got pointed out was Blanka having a contract with Warner Music Poland and how TVP could earn money by having Blanka work for them.
Similar theories were slowly popping out and they were discussed by fans. So quickly fix your tin foil hats as we will be moving to the next sections.

Dance along with me - Egurrola's involvement

One of the most popular theories was how judges were voting for Blanka due to personal reasons. Agustin Egurolla and Edyta Górniak were the main focus of these theories.
To start with Egurrola, you can't run away with him as he is always doing something associated with dancing. He either sends his dancers or creates choreographies for multiple shows. Egurolla was supposedly working with Blanka for NYE 2022 music festival and his dancers performed with her for Tu Bije Serce Europy!. There were implications of potential bias and some people pushed this theory further. Supposedly, Egurrola didn't want Jann as Jann wouldn't agree to perform with his dancers and Egurolla wouldn't make money. The extra bit of this theory is based on the fact that Jann created his own choreography and performed without dancers.
Egurolla's controversy got worse thanks to his co-worker, Michał Piróg. Piróg published on his Instagram a picture of him with Egurrola and judges from You Can Dance - Nowa Generacja. In his description he wrote:

"I always sat behind the table and waited for something that would suprise me and enchant me, but there were those who asked beforehand "Who should be the best?"...."

This was later followed up by his comment, which appears to be deleted. Fortunately, the media saved it.

"The chairman, the second man on the picture, the man of the internal businness. Call it as you like"

The post was published a couple of days after the show and most people interpret it as a criticism of what happened in Tu Bije Serce Europy! and the implication that Egurrola had something to do with Blanka's victory.
In the end, the drama surrounding Egurrola died after a reveal that he will not work on Blanka's choreography for Eurovision.

Everybody has somebody - Involvement of Górniak's family

In the case of Górniak, there were multiple dramas surrounding her and her son. They lived for longer than Egurrola's drama due to Edyta's multiple responses and the fact that she was a chairwoman of judges.
Allan Krupa is Edyta's son and he is known as Enso. Most articles refer to him using his real name and so I am going to use it to be more or less consistent.
Going back to the main topic, it has been noticed that Allan was sitting next to Blanka during the competition and one picture was enough to start drama. People quickly started calling Blanka his friend or even lover. However, the first theory that Blanka is his friend became more popular due to Allan already dating somebody.
Allan quickly reacted to negative comments as some people were also attacking his girlfriends. He explained that he didn't even know there were pre-selections and he knew about them after his mother called him a day before. He didn't know other contestants, except for Felivers. He thought that Blanka was just a dancer and she asked him if she can sit next to him.
This wasn't the end as Allan went on some angry rants. Some phrases can't be directly translated without losing their original meaning, so I've tried my best to localise some bits. Check this comment for more information.

"People are writing to me - as if I had a f^^^ing connection to Eurovision - you are re^^^^ed or you are f^^^ing something else"

There was also another rant where he called people NPCs and how they make sh^t on the internet like animals for attention. He ends his rant saying that he understands that pre-selections are a situation of life or death and there is slaughter, when somebody doesn't win.
His story of not knowing Blanka was considered as weird. If it was true, then why Blanka had to search for a seat? Some questioned the legitimacy of this story as Allan has performed at NYE Music Festival 2022 like Blanka and he could theoreotically meet her there.
Allan was later defended by Edyta. He also posted some memes about how he manipulated pre-selections and Eurovision.

You do you and I do me - Edyta's involvement

Just after Blanka's victory, Górniak has been interviewed. She started her interviews by saying that Blanka was chosen by judges and also viewers, when she was expecting to see a change. She then went on a talk about how she thinks that viewers chose Blanka as they need something sunny and international. Also, how people lack something optimistic after all these dramas in their lives.
She then started describing Jann. She described him as demonic, but characteristic and full of charisma. The use of the word "demonic" became controversial and a meme due to being peculiar. What makes the situation worse is the reputation of Edyta when it comes to spirituality. As I've previously mentioned, Górniak is open about her beliefs and she even talked about bad energies, including how Halloween is bad. Funnily, Jann and somebody from his environment knew about this line and even made a joke about his salt necklace and potential exorcism.
To add salt to this situation, a recording from Dobry wieczór Europo! caught Górniak looking away and staring at the ceiling during the performance of Jann.
The day after the show, Edyta wrote a comment on her Instagram post saying that if anybody sees issues with the clarity, they should report them to the producer of the show.
There was also a small misunderstanding of rules from Edyta's side as she said that if people really wanted Jann to win, he would have won as televotes are responsible for 50% of the total score. But according to her, there were probably not enough votes sent to him.
To clarify, Jann got the maximum possible amount of points from viewers and it's unlikely that getting more votes would change anything. So either Górniak was confused by how scores work or she didn't know that Jann has won televote.
Small bits like that started accumulating and started creating a weird picture. During one of the interviews, Edyta stated that judges were questioning a bit if they should vote together or separately. At the end they shared each other's views while hiding their notes and voted separately.
The weirdest thing was the timeline of events presented by Edyta. According to her, votes were collected right away and judges didn't have time to further discuss them. Votes were counted while she was preparing for her guest performance during the ad break. However, later she stated that judges gave their voting cards when she was going to the stage to perform. What doesn't click here is the fact that Górniak was performing after the ad break.
This either means that votes were collected twice (before and after the ad break) or Górniak misremembered the timeline of events. This added fuel to the fire and people kept asking for voting cards. Górniak responded to that stating that she wouldn't have issues with her voting card being revealed. She also revealed that she was receiving results through her earpiece. It had a mixed reaction as TVP didn't reveal anything specific about voting cards and the bit about the earpiece fuelled the theory that somebody was manipulating behind the scenes.
The whole drama with Edyta Górniak was closed by her final comments. In one of the deleted comments she openly said that she is getting hatred for just reading results and some hatred is coming from people due to her being an easier target than the institution. Then there were two comments that you just have to read:

"Regarding the project Eurovision, I've lost my trust to everybody. Even if the rules were about to be change and fixed, I will never go back to this topic. I've seen what was happening last year, I have also seen what people were doing when Rafał was sent to Eurovision. And now the same thing is happening. I feel like a shield that was borrowed by somebody and put at the front of doors. This topic is closed for me."

The other comment:

"I am sure that time will tell and respond to all doubts. [...] I recommend to remember that despite of me being an influential person, I am not a boss of bosses and I can't do everything. [...] I will pray for justice"

You are about to know - Other dramas

So before we talk about Blanka herself, there are some small things worth mentioning. They are mostly based on gossip and they didn't live too long.
According to one of the theories, TVP was setting up MaRina as Poland's representative. She supposedly had to just send her song and everything would be set up. But after her performance at NYE Music Festival 2022, she supposedly withdrew.
From the same source, there is a gossip that one judge had issues with Jann's costume and choreography They supposedly found his costume as too inappropriate and too controversial. His choreography supposedly had some errors. These factors together supposedly created an impression on this judge that Jann would struggle to get points at Eurovision.
Another drama was caused by the release date of the article about Blanka's victory. The article was supposedly released around 2 hours before the competition and some people supposedly have seen it before Blanka's victory was revealed. However, there is no evidence of that and TVP explained the issue with the time of the article. The article supposedly saved the date of creation of the article instead of the release or final edit. The article was created early to publish results as fast as possible and it didn't contain names of contestants.
The final thing worth mentioning is an article talking about how pre-selections in Moldova and Serbia were better than Polish pre-selection. Moldova showed the individual votes of judges and amount of votes sent by viewers, while Serbia released voting cards. Even Lithuania and Latvia were praised.
The cherry on top is a depiction of how much Germany's ranking would change if they followed the rules of Polish pre-selections. Lord of the Lost would get a second, while Will Church (the winner of the judge's voting) would win instead.
This is similar to one theory that the previous representative of Poland, Ochman wouldn't win if the competition followed new rules. This cemented an impression that rules were changed to set up a winner.

It's kinda crazy - Blanka

Since results the reveal of the results, Blanka had to deal with multiple comments and memes. Depending on whom you ask, their perception of Blanka will vary. For some, she became "Bejba" due to her pronunciation of "Babe" and multiple memes. Bejba became viral and Ochman joined the trend. Even Blanka herself embraced the meme by wearing a dress with the text "Bejba". She explained her decision by stating that everybody now calls her bejba.
For some, she became a symbol of everything wrong with TVP and people started searching for evidence of corruption or Blanka being evil.
Somebody pointed out that Blanka's mother was working for TVP as a make-up artist for some shows. But it's possible that she was working for a company that happened to work for TVP and other tv broadcasters. For some, it was treated as evidence that Blanka has direct connections to TVP and there could be some bias.
Then there was another controversy regarding Blanka's social media. She supposedly liked comments that were saying that Jann is from the margin of society, which was interpreted as a classist remark or queerphobia. Just in case, Jann didn't say anything about being LGBTQ+ and only his appearance is relatively androgynous. Going back to the topic, some people defended Blanka stating that she could miss this bit as the comment starts as rather supportive. Some questioned the validity of it as Blanka's relationship with Jann appears to be positive. Blanka complimented Jann, while Jann was one of the first people to cheer her up after the competition and even defended her.
Another controversy was plagiarism. Specifically, there were allegations that Blanka either copied Clean Bandit's Solo or INNA's Up. These allegations remained allegations and that was their end.
The final controversy surrounding Blanka was a petition for Blanka's removal. There were two petitions and one of them has 91170 signatures. People wanted transparency from TVP and to see Jann perform in Eurovision. Blanka reacted to the petition and she was hurt by it.

Never back down - Eurovision

This year, Eurovision was divided into two parts. There were two semi-finals and one final. During the semi-finals, only viewers could vote.
Blanka performed in the second semi-final without massive issues and got 124 points. As a result, she got 3rd place in the second semi-final. It was a gigantic success and she beat the previous representative of Poland. Details can be found on Eurovision website.
Generally speaking, there was a positive reaction. People have praised Blanka for improving her performance, especially her vocals. Solo became one of the most popular Eurovision 2023 songs.
There were only two minor issues worth mentioning. Norway's newspaper Verdens Gang has openly criticised Blanka. Unfortunately, my Norwegian is non-existent and so this translation is straight from Google Translate. The original comment can be found here.

"Polish plastic pop reggae in the category that was once dominated by Swedes in the Stone Age (nineties). Blanka is probably not singing about Norwegian orange soda or a scruffy looking Star Wars hero, but about being completely alone in a relationship. The best thing that can be said about the "Solo" show is that she has the best glove of the finale. She falls out of tune, and loses her tone several times, That she actually thinks she can sing is hopelessly overwhelming. That, and that no adults have stopped this - regardless of the corruption charges."

Even Sweden talked about potential corruption and nepotism. They mentioned that Blanka's choreography was created by Egurolla. Funnily, even Edyta Górniak was mentioned, but she was called Blanka's mother-in-law.
Then there was a final performance, which had a similar reaction. The only difference was the lack of drama from the media and Polish fans even being proud of her. Blanka was placed 24th by judges and she was better than two performers. However, she got 8th place in televoting and it got her 19th place. A bit worse than the previous representative, who got 12th place.

The conclusion

Blanka managed to partially save her face and it's unclear what's going to happen in future. Blanka after Eurovision went on vacation and there hasn't been much news about her.
There was some discussion regarding her placement in televotes ranking and some people in the Eurovision subreddit have used her to make a point about how televoting is bad, while discussing the whole drama that happened due to Loreen's victory. For more information, I recommend checking this write-up.
Other contestants of pre-selections are doing fine and many of them released new songs. Especially Jann is doing well as his fanbase tripled in size and he is going to perform at OGAE Second Chance. Edyta Górniak and her son are still active, while Agustin Egurrola is focusing on his dance studio.
TVP is still controversial due to politics and it will probably remain controversial for a long time due to recent events. Years of bad reputation are hard to erase and most people are ready for another controversy Eurovision controversy.

Some background on us: Been together for two years. Just moved in together last month, at his request. We have a very happy, healthy relationship besides this issue, which is progressively deteriorating my opinion/attraction towards him.
Some background on him: Joined the military right out of high school. Worked as an IT tech there for 8 years before getting out and moving back home. After he got out, he used the GI Bill to work towards his bachelor’s degree in MIS while the VA gave him a monthly stipend to cover all of his housing expenses. He drove for Uber Eats for extra cash before starting to work at a coffee shop, which is his first “real-world” job. He’s worked there for almost two years and is now a general manager. He works 50+ hours a week, which has taken a toll on him and is the reason why he quit a few weeks ago, but he agreed to continue working there until the end of June. He also took the semester off from school this summer. Because he took the semester off, he will not receive a housing stipend from the VA until he starts attending school again, meaning, as of last week, he’s been responsible for his full half of rent/utilities at our new (and quite expensive) apartment.
I’m frustrated because he suddenly quit this job with no back-up plan and after already deciding to take the semester off of school, meaning he’ll be unemployed in the matter of a few weeks and won’t be receiving any sort of financial assistance from the VA.
I completely revamped his resume and have picked out a handful of jobs to help him get started on the job-searching process, but he’s shown no interest. He’s applied to one job so far. He’s confident that he’ll be able to secure a remote, well-paying IT job in the next 3 weeks. I told him that the job market, ESPECIALLY for IT jobs and remote jobs, is horrendous right now and he’ll be lucky if his application is even looked at by a recruiter in the next few weeks, let alone go through the whole phone screening/multi-interview/offeonboarding process.
I just went through this whole process myself and he’s aware of this. It took me six months of nonstop job-searching and hundreds of applications to find an entry-level job in my field (healthcare) that still doesn’t pay even a fraction of what he’s expecting he’ll make.
I don’t think he’s depressed. He doesn’t seem depressed, but I know that that’s not always a good indicator. I don’t think he’s nervous or insecure. He’s a very confident person and is very good with people. He said he’s confident that he’ll be able to do well in interviews (even though he’s only ever done one low-stakes coffee shop interview in his entire life).
Last week, he mentioned that he’ll just start driving for Uber Eats again if he can’t find something. Didn’t specify for how long, or what the plan was after that, if there even is a plan after that. He’s also (semi-jokingly) mentioned asking his mom for a Salesforce (where she works) job if it comes down to it. But even then, I don’t think he realizes that connections aren’t everything, that Salesforce is a giant company that will absolutely be hard to get into, and that his mom has 30+ years of experience and two degrees under her belt that landed her that job. He hasn’t even graduated from undergrad and has only had one real-world job that isn’t even related to IT or Salesforce.
At this point, I don’t know whether he’s delusional, overly confident, or just unmotivated/lazy. I try to cut him slack because he works so many hours a week, but it’s so frustrating when he comes home from work and immediately cracks open a beer or pops an edible and starts watching TV or playing video games, rather than taking any sort of initiative towards this major, impending issue that’s only a mere few weeks away.
Another extremely concerning thing: last week, he, again half-seriously, said I should just started applying to jobs for him.
Prior to him saying that, I actually considered it just because I’m getting so annoyed about him not doing it himself. But hearing him ACTUALLY suggest it made me want to gag. I immediately put my foot down and said “Absolutely not.”
As for how he plans on paying for his share of expenses now that we’re living together, he’s said (in passing) that he has enough in savings. This is another thing that has concerned me over the course of our relationship: this savings account was set up for him while he was in the military and part of his paychecks were automatically deposited in it. When we first started dating, he (allegedly) had $27k saved up (he told me this when he was drunk and talking about how big of a diamond ring he could buy me when he proposes, so not sure if there’s any merit to that number or if he was just trying to impress me). But since then, for the past two years, he’s been saying he has no idea how much money is in there and that he needs to figure out how to log in and check. Last month, a statement was lying out in the open on the counter that said he now only has $13k. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t contribute any of his current paychecks towards his savings, and he’s said multiple times that he automatically pays off his credit cards with that account every month. This concerns me because he’s treating it like a checking account, rather than a savings account for future/emergency expenses, which is clearly the case since it’s dwindled down that much over the past two years. And now he’s planning on paying for all of his living expenses with it for the foreseeable future. I have no idea what he plans on doing if it ends up taking months to find a job (a very real possibility) and he ends up blowing through this account.
All of this—having no plan for the future, no career prospects or even desire to have a career (not just drive for Uber Eats) despite working towards a degree, taking a semester off while acknowledging that he may “not have the motivation” to go back, and draining his savings account/not having good financial planning skills—all at the age of almost 30 has me seriously reconsidering whether I feel secure continuing a relationship with him. It’s killed my mental attraction towards him because I now see him as someone who needs to be taken care of, rather than someone who’s my equal.
How do I say all of this to him without hurting his feelings?
Tl;dr My boyfriend abruptly quit his job with no plan for the future. Has no interest in applying to jobs, feels confident that he’ll land his ideal job in only a few weeks. Suggested that I apply to jobs for him. Generally has poor financial planning skills.

❤️ Good evening, kind words that spread their aromas in souls and mix with the scent of flowers
Lavender roses and jasmine..
Good evening to every soul that blooms like the sun
To light up the universe ☀️..
💞 Have a beautiful evening
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The one who chooses you in the crowd is very different About the one who did not find anyone else on his way.
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🌟 *whispered - evening* 🌟
Sorrows are endless. But happiness is always there.
All you have to do is train yourself to be patient the first time, and be thankful the second time around.
💥 *Good evening* 💥
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https://aqelayash.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2023-04-09T09:39:00-07:00&max-results=7&start=175&by-date=false
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Brace yourselves, this is gonna be a long one.
Table of Contents
1…… The Main Goal
2…… What I’m Seeking
3…… Personality
4…… Interests
5…… Physical Characteristics (with pics)
6…… Expectations of You
7…… Living Situation
8…… Deal Breakers
9…… Closing Remarks
(1)
The Main Goal:
Well if you’re browsing this subreddit then much like me, you were alone this weekend and I’m sure you’d like to change that as much as me. I won’t lie, I am going through a rough part of my life right now. It’s difficult for me to find the energy for anything at the moment and I’m just really seeking affection in general, anything that will give me a push. I don’t want to be that person who brings everyone down but I could really use someone to talk to right now. I’d really like to find someone who’s similar to me so much to the point that we do everything together and talk about everything while not having to pretend to be interested. I want someone with whom we can mutually spew our emotions onto and have those feelings reciprocated. Not an emotional punching bag, but an emotional teddy bear to hug and cuddle until everything feels better as many times as we need. There’s people who I’m sure have told you the same, they’ll be there no matter how many times you need the support, no matter how many times the insecurities and bad thoughts come back but they don’t mean it. I will be the exception, I’m not so ignorant to think some nice words and tales of relating to you will magically forever heal whatever ails you then get mad when you seek the same support again. Mental ailments are rarely temporary and I don’t care about someone because they’re perfect, caring about someone means being there no matter how many times they need you to be. It doesn’t feel like a chore, it doesn’t get old, and it never will.
(2)
(2.a)
What I'm Seeking:
I will upfront let you know if I’m clicking better with someone else or if you’re the one, I’m not here to tread the sea of fish or keep my options open, I’m here for one singular person.
(2.b)
Relationship:
A relationship is difficult for me right now, it’s been nearly half a year since I got out of my last relationship and the reasons for it ending are partially responsible for how I’ve been feeling and why it’s so hard for me to seek the comfort I so desperately crave. I will tell you about it but for the sake of not treating the entirety of the internet as my therapist, it’ll be in private. I really need the comfort of intimacy and the warmth of someone who cares. I'm not going to feel better if I just sulk and don’t move on. This is my attempt to get better, I’ll admit I’m not great right now and I don’t expect you to be either. If we can help each other heal, then I’d be more than happy :) A relationship isn’t just being there for when someone’s at their best. Even if a relationship is hard at the moment, I do want a life partner and I don’t want to be alone. Things aren’t going to get easier without you so I don’t want to hesitate. I view my other as an equal, I don’t like categorizing us into specific roles. We take care of each other and treat each other how we like to be treated, whatever that is, it's as simple as that. I don't care if you're "successful" or not, living simple lives with our days filled with love is the ultimate measure of success to me.
(3)
Personality:
(3.a)
On the Surface:
As you can tell I can be rather… stoic but that’s largely due to my current stressors, I truthfully am goofy and fun loving but I just can’t find it in me right now. I want to return to that but without someone to light up my world it’s been difficult to just have fun and enjoy stuff. I’m definitely more introverted, you won’t catch me at any parties or really outside at all. I definitely prefer being home though the occasional outing is not out of the question and one day I’d like to travel to other countries because I think that kind of perspective is important.
(3.b)
The Core of My Being:
I like being a spectator to it all and if we bear witness to humanity burning or its miraculous recovery, I want to watch it with you. I enjoy watching humanity advance, less so when it devolves but I want to watch it to the end nonetheless. I’m both a realist and someone who lives with my head in the clouds dreaming of scenarios or worlds that don’t exist. I’m saying that I enjoy a good narrative and can suspend my disbelief to enjoy something but you won’t catch me refusing vaccines or ignoring blatant facts for the sake of some pseudo science or witch doctor’s remedy. I’m an atheist but I do not rule out existence after death, not because I’m agnostic but because due to the nature of potentially infinite time at some point after how many googol years with a googol amount of 0s after that, something’s bound to replicate your consciousness perfectly at some point. It’s actually a really fascinating topic I like talking about. If infinite time and infinite possibilities exist, does non existence exist? Though that’s an awfully existentially dreadful thought process considering the ramifications of infinite existence and infinite possibilities during said infinite existence. I would say I’m confidently left leaning and I don’t think I could truly get along with anyone right leaning, at least America’s definition of right leaning. Left and right seems to have just become; do people deserve to suffer or do they deserve to live good lives? Being political is not something I expected to become but how can you not be when crimes against human rights are being passed on a daily basis and at the end of the day, everything’s political. Oftentimes I imagine the perfect moment as relaxing with my significant other playing games or cuddling in a cold room under blankets.
I value that special someone above all of the existential thoughts, the bad of the world, the good of the world, they practically become my world. So many worries wash away when I’m with them. I don’t know if that’s the defense mechanism my brain created to not feel bad 24/7 but if it is, I’m currently without it.
(3.c)
Insecurities:
I talk of philosophy and politics here but really I spend most of my time just playing games, watching stuff, and trying to not be sleep deprived. I’m also nowhere near as well spoken, heck sometimes I feel like my speech is broken. I won’t claim to be something I’m not, I sit at home while I complain about the world doing nothing about it wishing I had someone here with me. I’m not noble nor do I really want to be, I have morals I uphold but much like most other hypocrites I acknowledge that my comfortable life is built on the suffering of others without doing anything about it. Why? My sleep problems? Am I depressed? Is that why I have no energy to do anything? Do I just think nothing I could do could help? I can’t nail it down myself, maybe it’s a mix of everything, maybe I’m just a bad person. I have always told myself that if I had wealth I would help people but if I get that kind of wealth will I just become a wealth hoarder who tries to justify my riches as something I earned rather than something given to me through incredibly lucky circumstances? If I do help people is it because I’m a good person or out of guilt? Will I die alone? I feel like I drive everyone away with my clinginess, I get paranoid often and need reassurance often. It’s something I want to work on, something I’ve been trying to work on. Hearing that someone cares about me just never gets old. I value self awareness even if it’s painful.
(3.d)
Socializing:
I’m definitely a socially anxious/awkward mess, especially around strangers. I do feel a large amount of anxiety in public, people can’t tell by looking at my face since I kind of go stone faced in an attempt to block everything out but yeah you’ll notice that if we go out in public. Growing up my pediatrician said I was probably autistic, never got a formal diagnosis so that’s just great. But yeah that explains why I can’t make eye contact with people, I kinda just stare at the ground and avoid their gaze at all costs. A lot of these social struggles go away to a great degree once I know you for a bit but yeah I apologize for how terrible I am at socializing at first. Don’t let my social struggles fool you though, I love cuddling and being close with my person.
(3.e)
Sexuality:
I am a heterosexual male, though I’m not very masculine like at all. I may even be a bit feminine sometimes. Not that I believe any activity or manner of acting belongs to a gender but I don’t know how else to describe it. I’m definitely super affectionate and love it when my partner is too. I am open to dating demi people but I do have a libido so I don't think asexual would work out.
(4)
Interests:
(4.a)
Video Games:
As stated before, I do spend a lot of my time playing video games. It’s been hard lately with me having no energy but I really do want to play more games and have a good time playing them with you! I primarily play on PC though I do have a switch. I’m primarily into platform fighters, roguelikes, open world, survival, and sandbox games. As for single player story games, I enjoy watching them through twitch or youtube but for the most part I don’t play them myself. I’d watch you play them though!
Here’s a list of games we can play:
-Minecraft (Java)
-Risk of Rain 2
-Gunfire Reborn
-Roboquest
-7 Days to Die
-Phasmophobia
-Rust
-Unturned
-Bloons TD 6
-Platform fighters: Super Smash Bros. Melee, Slap City, Multiversus, Flash Party, Fraymakers
Whatever you want to play I’ll give it a shot! I will say that League bores me to death but I’ll play it for you :) I try to avoid MMOs, not because I don’t like them but because of how addicted I can get to them. I enjoy learning games in-depth so MMOs can be a fast track to addiction.
I recently got Kerbal Space Program 2 and ehhh not really worth it right now but hopefully later it will be? I’m super excited for Tears of the Kingdom! In the far off future I’m excited for Rivals of Aether 2 which is a platform fighter releasing in 2024, let me know of your most anticipated releases and I’ll see if I could play them with you!
Also I never got into FPS games but I could totally see myself playing like CoD with you or Escape From Tarkov. Any FPS really, I’m down.
I am a fan of Pokemon but with how things have been lately I don’t know how long that will last. Pixelmon is a common Pokemon mod I play for Minecraft if you want to play that! Also if I say I want to play something with you I mean it but there are often times when no matter how much I want to I'm just drained and can do little more than lay in bed so please don't think I'm making an excuse.
(4.b)
Science:
I really enjoy keeping up with the latest advances in pretty much everything, it could be biology, technology, astronomy, anything! I love seeing progression and I love talking about it! Really I could go on and on about what I’m obsessing about that day. I particularly love technology, ask me for my laptop specs I dare you. When I was little I always wanted to be a scientist of any kind but then insomnia and fear of college stuff hit me like a truck aaaand that’s the end of that dream.
(4.c)
Anime:
You got me, I like anime but I’d like to think my tastes are benign.
Here’s some of my favorites I can list from the top of my head:
- To Your Eternity
- Vinland Saga
- Spice and Wolf
- Re:Zero
- Mob Psycho
- Dr. Stone
- Attack on Titan
- Spy x Family
- My Hero Academia
- Ranking of Kings
- Demon Slayer
Okay I can go on and on but I will say I don’t like pointless fan service and the spamming of cliche anime moments. I mostly enjoy action and anything well animated if it doesn’t have a potato story. Heck Demon Slayer could be my top 3 out of season 2’s animation alone. I don’t watch slice of life often or romance but I would with you!
(4.d)
Misc:
I’m not going to go on and on about the tiniest little things when the main ones are covered but I’ll watch pretty much any show with you and anything really. I like random youtube videos that explain some kind of lore or mystery, sometimes mini documentaries too.
As for food I looove sushi and I’m a sucker for fast food. Okay and candy, definitely candy.
I used to play tennis but haven’t really had the opportunity nor friends to play it with and I’m way too socially anxious to seek it out. Also I will say that when we move to something like discord I type waaaay more casually. I’m not going to expect long paragraphs back and forth like we’re writing English papers for each other, I do enjoy long conversations but seriously don’t worry about having to put the utmost effort into every response, I just like making good first impressions I guess.
(5)
(5.a)
My Physical Characteristics:
I’m 5’8 (172cm), 128 pounds (58kg), with curly brown hair and blue eyes. I like keeping my hair long in the winter and cutting it in the summer. I’m pretty slim in general so if you’re looking for someone large, that’s not me. I don’t work out but my work is pretty physical so at least I’m not totally inactive. I don’t have the urge to work out or gain muscle but I do want to maintain my slim figure so if I start losing control of that I’ll work out. I like to keep my face shaved because I don’t think I look good with a beard/mustache so if you’re into those I apologize. I have an average amount of body hair? I’d prefer to be completely shaved but it’s easy to lose motivation with that battle, if you prefer shaved then I’d have no problem complying. Anyways here’s what I look like: https://imgur.com/a/MZZgf2t
(5.b)
My Physical Preferences:
Having physical preferences makes me feel shallow, if I could make myself not have them I would but unfortunately that’s now how that works. I don’t care if you’re shorter or taller than me and I don’t care if you weigh more or less than me. All I ask is that you’re slim-average weight. I would never ask for someone to be something I’m not. I don’t care about tattoos or piercings.
(6)
Expectations of You:
I am not looking for someone “exciting” or someone to “keep me on my toes” I’m not looking for someone to cater to my every whim or anything like that. I don’t care if you’re “boring” or if you aren’t “successful”. I know it’s a common thing for people to not want a “boring” relationship and to seek something argumentative or something with constant challenges but I just want to be with you. During the exciting times, the boring times, and everything in-between, all of it will be great with you! Maybe we do argue sometimes or maybe there will be challenges but that will never be something I purposefully seek out and I don’t want that to be something you seek out either. I will not play tricks on you and I will not play mind games, I expect the same from you. We all have personal measures of success we may or may not have lived up to but what I care about most is our commitment to each other. If we have each other we can get through tough times, near the ends of our lives I want us to look back and feel that this life together was worth more than anything. That’s not saying I want us to be haphazard, I don’t want us to make poor decisions for the sake of yolo and I want us to always be rational, especially with each other. I want you to be someone I can trust to make decisions and weigh the options with a level head, I’ll try my best to live up to the same for you. Most of all I want empathy, understanding, someone to feel the utmost comfort and trust in.
(7)
Living Situation:
Currently my life is pretty relaxed, I work 3 times a week as a night shift stocker. I currently live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my roommate but we’re looking to move into someplace larger by the end of the year if everything works out. The internet is weirdly great for Ohio too like I have fiber and later this year we’re supposed to be getting dedicated fiber so that’s neat. I’m not attached to Ohio so the ultimate goal living location wise is probably moving to a country that won’t send you into a lifetime of dealing with the repercussions from one medical emergency.
(8)
Deal Breakers:
Might as well make this simple and make it a list.
- Anti-vaxxers
- Unironically believing astrology
- Right wingers
- Hard drugs (occasional 420 and alcohol is fine, may even join you)
- Wanting children, there was a time when I was younger when I wanted children but with the state of the word that’s a definite no and I feel like I wouldn’t be able to handle the stress. I’d love a stress free life with as much time with you as possible.
- Homophobic
- Transphobic
- Racist
- Super Religious
- Don’t be a bigot and don’t deny facts.
(9)
Closing Remarks:
Well you made it, I was thinking that finding someone I’d be willing to put a lifetime of effort into at least required this much effort. If I think of anything more I’ll update the post. Also about timezones, it really doesn’t matter where in the world you are. I don’t have a sleep schedule and I have most of the week off from work so it really doesn’t matter.
I request that in your response you do put effort into it, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as long as this but at least enough so I know that you read this and enough about you so I know why you saw potential compatibility. I will seriously read all of it and respond the best I can. I do also request a pic included in your response (sfw please) or one soon after we start talking to prove identity, I’ll send identity proving pics too. As long as this post is up, you can send a reply!

I 27F have been with the father of my children 29M for 12yrs, on and off. Engaged not engaged. Back story we met it middle school dated in HS and been together pretty much since. Senior yr of hs I was pregnant with our first son, then 7yrs later we had 2 daughters back to back leading into last yr 2022. He had a stable income for the majority of our years together, Ive worked since HS and I’ve also had seasonal jobs in between. As of our second child in 2021 I’ve been a stay at home mother due to me not wanting outside child care (it gives me anxiety) not to mention we wouldn’t be able to afford it unless I was full time and thats almost impossible. He is full time and everybody in my support system also works.. neatliess to say he’s always been in charge of the income. Weve both been with other ppl in the past and have recovered and tried to make things work for the better half of 5 years now.
I come from divorced parents so I really have the urge to make my family work even through my thoughts of unhappiness, just to say Im fully aware at some point staying together “just for the kids” may eventually cause more trauma than good.
Starting around or even before my second pregnancy he started drinking more and although he just proposed 2019 he also started stepping out on the relationship. I felt it was my time of need, pregnant and sick so I understand I put a strain on our sex lives but to think he would stick by my side and fight with me was a mistake. There’s two sides to every story but as I know as facts that I seen with my own eyes……..
I had a friend I didn’t really speak to due to life but we always been friends/friendly so I was shocked to see my child’s father texted her and they don’t even know each other, I met her in a summer school program. He said they never hung out when I asked but I asked her myself and he lied to my face. They hung out a few times and he paid her $100+ for “conversation”. I was shook but don’t care to lose a shxt person like that in my life. TOODLES girly! But HE makes me feel so EMBARRASSED by his actions,I can’t fathom the betrayal. I’ve seen his onlyfans account of transactions over or around $1,000 (buying visa gift cards so I don’t see transaction) of girls we went to HS with or he’s pretty much stalked girls social media’s, trying meet up with pornstars/celebrities. When I confronted him, he said “what do you expect you don’t give me nothing and I still give you attention so I don’t see the big deal, I only do it when we have money”.. He has full conversations with these girls under Anonymous accounts but can’t sit down with me to talk about our problems and issues or even about our kids?! When I speak to get to the bottom of things, he walks away and ignores my questions. These girls just want money and he’s trying his hardest to meet up until, I interrupt!! I’ve seen text threads of him talking to coworkers hiding their name under male names,trying to flirt or go out for drinks. I’ve spoke to the “massage therapist” he paid $200 to get “massages” from, off of Craigslist. I asked him first he said he never booked just talk to her, so I asked her and she confirmed he had a few sessions. I called him yelling only then did he tell the truth and or say he forgot details. I think I broke his switch in that same convo. He got fired on the spot by his boss. This boss was an old friend of his from a previous job years ago, his boss saw his wife’s phone and seen the same inappropriate text I seen between his wife and my child’s father. Texts like “I hope you’re keeping our text private”, telling her that she seems like she wants something more, asking about her sex life and what she likes..
I’ve seen all this myself but keep on making excuses like maybe I caused this? He’s begging to stay a family and not put him on child support. While hes been months late on rent and buying alcohol daily while were on our way to our 3 child around Christmas time. I was broken finding out all this and will admit I did some pretty horrible things to him in retaliation. Which leads me to believe this is TOXIC. Idk hormones were baddd!? I’m such a loving person or atleast was but I feel so stuck and angry lately. I did things Im ashamed of. Me being hurt isn’t an excuse but my reason. I feel more so justified although wrong. He refuses AA but won’t stop drinking bc I continue to find empty bottles hidden and he pulls out cash from atm so I don’t see transactions on card for liquor store. My eldest, now 9 know his dads a drunk. He has witnessed his father sleep on this siblings while he was suppose to be watching them or even worst, the time 2am drunk peeing on our sons floor. Our son woke me up crying cause he was scared by the way his dad was acting, he literally said “like a zombie”. He fell asleep on his bottom bunk and my son was scared to sleep in there. I let him sleep in my bed while I woke his father up by pouring a glass of water on him. He didn’t recall what he just did matter of fact “said no I didnt” as I clean up the warm pee.. I hate myself and was embarrassed to tell that story bc I feel like I’m someway allowing it by staying… idk what to do realistically with 3 kids involved but I need to do it soon, safely and efficiently. I can’t really heal from this, idk how, no matter how many ways he says sorry..He has never been honest, I have always only found out myself. I’ve never received any type of closure from all these situations, Which makes me feel crazy that he thinks everythings okay and normal, I feel crazy I stalk his phone, that I smell fireball on his breathe but he swears he’s not drinking. Him lying while I’m looking at facts/proof.. it’s all driving me crazy!
I’m not perfect I started talking to an my ex after I kicked him out when I found his first OF account. I also made a dating app to make him mad. Hes claims he’s never cheated physically and he wants to be a family, thats why I never really consider us “broken up” if hes constantly texting me begging for his family back and claims he tryna do for better us. I want to go to therapy before giving up on Him but he refuses to go. IDK if Hes the narc thats gaslighting me? Or if I’m the narc ? Idk if I’m going through a reactive trauma response? I feel like I was a happy child/teenager and I never use to be this angry….I don’t feel like myself anymore and as for him, I don’t even know who that man is when I look at him. All I feel is anger and disgust. If this isn’t fixable, what would be some good first steps to end this toxic relationship?

Brace yourselves, this is gonna be a long one.
Table of Contents
1…… The Main Goal
2…… What I’m Seeking
3…… Personality
4…… Interests
5…… Physical Characteristics (with pics)
6…… Expectations of You
7…… Living Situation
8…… Deal Breakers
9…… Closing Remarks
(1)
The Main Goal:
Well if you’re browsing this subreddit then much like me, you were alone this weekend and I’m sure you’d like to change that as much as me. I won’t lie, I am going through a rough part of my life right now. It’s difficult for me to find the energy for anything at the moment and I’m just really seeking affection in general, anything that will give me a push. I don’t want to be that person who brings everyone down but I could really use someone to talk to right now. I’d really like to find someone who’s similar to me so much to the point that we do everything together and talk about everything while not having to pretend to be interested. I want someone with whom we can mutually spew our emotions onto and have those feelings reciprocated. Not an emotional punching bag, but an emotional teddy bear to hug and cuddle until everything feels better as many times as we need. There’s people who I’m sure have told you the same, they’ll be there no matter how many times you need the support, no matter how many times the insecurities and bad thoughts come back but they don’t mean it. I will be the exception, I’m not so ignorant to think some nice words and tales of relating to you will magically forever heal whatever ails you then get mad when you seek the same support again. Mental ailments are rarely temporary and I don’t care about someone because they’re perfect, caring about someone means being there no matter how many times they need you to be. It doesn’t feel like a chore, it doesn’t get old, and it never will.
(2)
(2.a)
What I'm Seeking:
I will upfront let you know if I’m clicking better with someone else or if you’re the one, I’m not here to tread the sea of fish or keep my options open, I’m here for one singular person.
(2.b)
Relationship:
A relationship is difficult for me right now, it’s been nearly half a year since I got out of my last relationship and the reasons for it ending are partially responsible for how I’ve been feeling and why it’s so hard for me to seek the comfort I so desperately crave. I will tell you about it but for the sake of not treating the entirety of the internet as my therapist, it’ll be in private. I really need the comfort of intimacy and the warmth of someone who cares. I'm not going to feel better if I just sulk and don’t move on. This is my attempt to get better, I’ll admit I’m not great right now and I don’t expect you to be either. If we can help each other heal, then I’d be more than happy :) A relationship isn’t just being there for when someone’s at their best. Even if a relationship is hard at the moment, I do want a life partner and I don’t want to be alone. Things aren’t going to get easier without you so I don’t want to hesitate. I view my other as an equal, I don’t like categorizing us into specific roles. We take care of each other and treat each other how we like to be treated, whatever that is, it's as simple as that. I don't care if you're "successful" or not, living simple lives with our days filled with love is the ultimate measure of success to me.
(3)
Personality:
(3.a)
On the Surface:
As you can tell I can be rather… stoic but that’s largely due to my current stressors, I truthfully am goofy and fun loving but I just can’t find it in me right now. I want to return to that but without someone to light up my world it’s been difficult to just have fun and enjoy stuff. I’m definitely more introverted, you won’t catch me at any parties or really outside at all. I definitely prefer being home though the occasional outing is not out of the question and one day I’d like to travel to other countries because I think that kind of perspective is important.
(3.b)
The Core of My Being:
I like being a spectator to it all and if we bear witness to humanity burning or its miraculous recovery, I want to watch it with you. I enjoy watching humanity advance, less so when it devolves but I want to watch it to the end nonetheless. I’m both a realist and someone who lives with my head in the clouds dreaming of scenarios or worlds that don’t exist. I’m saying that I enjoy a good narrative and can suspend my disbelief to enjoy something but you won’t catch me refusing vaccines or ignoring blatant facts for the sake of some pseudo science or witch doctor’s remedy. I’m an atheist but I do not rule out existence after death, not because I’m agnostic but because due to the nature of potentially infinite time at some point after how many googol years with a googol amount of 0s after that, something’s bound to replicate your consciousness perfectly at some point. It’s actually a really fascinating topic I like talking about. If infinite time and infinite possibilities exist, does non existence exist? Though that’s an awfully existentially dreadful thought process considering the ramifications of infinite existence and infinite possibilities during said infinite existence. I would say I’m confidently left leaning and I don’t think I could truly get along with anyone right leaning, at least America’s definition of right leaning. Left and right seems to have just become; do people deserve to suffer or do they deserve to live good lives? Being political is not something I expected to become but how can you not be when crimes against human rights are being passed on a daily basis and at the end of the day, everything’s political. Oftentimes I imagine the perfect moment as relaxing with my significant other playing games or cuddling in a cold room under blankets.
I value that special someone above all of the existential thoughts, the bad of the world, the good of the world, they practically become my world. So many worries wash away when I’m with them. I don’t know if that’s the defense mechanism my brain created to not feel bad 24/7 but if it is, I’m currently without it.
(3.c)
Insecurities:
I talk of philosophy and politics here but really I spend most of my time just playing games, watching stuff, and trying to not be sleep deprived. I’m also nowhere near as well spoken, heck sometimes I feel like my speech is broken. I won’t claim to be something I’m not, I sit at home while I complain about the world doing nothing about it wishing I had someone here with me. I’m not noble nor do I really want to be, I have morals I uphold but much like most other hypocrites I acknowledge that my comfortable life is built on the suffering of others without doing anything about it. Why? My sleep problems? Am I depressed? Is that why I have no energy to do anything? Do I just think nothing I could do could help? I can’t nail it down myself, maybe it’s a mix of everything, maybe I’m just a bad person. I have always told myself that if I had wealth I would help people but if I get that kind of wealth will I just become a wealth hoarder who tries to justify my riches as something I earned rather than something given to me through incredibly lucky circumstances? If I do help people is it because I’m a good person or out of guilt? Will I die alone? I feel like I drive everyone away with my clinginess, I get paranoid often and need reassurance often. It’s something I want to work on, something I’ve been trying to work on. Hearing that someone cares about me just never gets old. I value self awareness even if it’s painful.
(3.d)
Socializing:
I’m definitely a socially anxious/awkward mess, especially around strangers. I do feel a large amount of anxiety in public, people can’t tell by looking at my face since I kind of go stone faced in an attempt to block everything out but yeah you’ll notice that if we go out in public. Growing up my pediatrician said I was probably autistic, never got a formal diagnosis so that’s just great. But yeah that explains why I can’t make eye contact with people, I kinda just stare at the ground and avoid their gaze at all costs. A lot of these social struggles go away to a great degree once I know you for a bit but yeah I apologize for how terrible I am at socializing at first. Don’t let my social struggles fool you though, I love cuddling and being close with my person.
(3.e)
Sexuality:
I am a heterosexual male, though I’m not very masculine like at all. I may even be a bit feminine sometimes. Not that I believe any activity or manner of acting belongs to a gender but I don’t know how else to describe it. I’m definitely super affectionate and love it when my partner is too. I am open to dating demi people but I do have a libido so I don't think asexual would work out.
(4)
Interests:
(4.a)
Video Games:
As stated before, I do spend a lot of my time playing video games. It’s been hard lately with me having no energy but I really do want to play more games and have a good time playing them with you! I primarily play on PC though I do have a switch. I’m primarily into platform fighters, roguelikes, open world, survival, and sandbox games. As for single player story games, I enjoy watching them through twitch or youtube but for the most part I don’t play them myself. I’d watch you play them though!
Here’s a list of games we can play:
-Minecraft (Java)
-Risk of Rain 2
-Gunfire Reborn
-Roboquest
-7 Days to Die
-Phasmophobia
-Rust
-Unturned
-Bloons TD 6
-Platform fighters: Super Smash Bros. Melee, Slap City, Multiversus, Flash Party, Fraymakers
Whatever you want to play I’ll give it a shot! I will say that League bores me to death but I’ll play it for you :) I try to avoid MMOs, not because I don’t like them but because of how addicted I can get to them. I enjoy learning games in-depth so MMOs can be a fast track to addiction.
I recently got Kerbal Space Program 2 and ehhh not really worth it right now but hopefully later it will be? I’m super excited for Tears of the Kingdom! In the far off future I’m excited for Rivals of Aether 2 which is a platform fighter releasing in 2024, let me know of your most anticipated releases and I’ll see if I could play them with you!
Also I never got into FPS games but I could totally see myself playing like CoD with you or Escape From Tarkov. Any FPS really, I’m down.
I am a fan of Pokemon but with how things have been lately I don’t know how long that will last. Pixelmon is a common Pokemon mod I play for Minecraft if you want to play that! Also if I say I want to play something with you I mean it but there are often times when no matter how much I want to I'm just drained and can do little more than lay in bed so please don't think I'm making an excuse.
(4.b)
Science:
I really enjoy keeping up with the latest advances in pretty much everything, it could be biology, technology, astronomy, anything! I love seeing progression and I love talking about it! Really I could go on and on about what I’m obsessing about that day. I particularly love technology, ask me for my laptop specs I dare you. When I was little I always wanted to be a scientist of any kind but then insomnia and fear of college stuff hit me like a truck aaaand that’s the end of that dream.
(4.c)
Anime:
You got me, I like anime but I’d like to think my tastes are benign.
Here’s some of my favorites I can list from the top of my head:
- To Your Eternity
- Vinland Saga
- Spice and Wolf
- Re:Zero
- Mob Psycho
- Dr. Stone
- Attack on Titan
- Spy x Family
- My Hero Academia
- Ranking of Kings
- Demon Slayer
Okay I can go on and on but I will say I don’t like pointless fan service and the spamming of cliche anime moments. I mostly enjoy action and anything well animated if it doesn’t have a potato story. Heck Demon Slayer could be my top 3 out of season 2’s animation alone. I don’t watch slice of life often or romance but I would with you!
(4.d)
Misc:
I’m not going to go on and on about the tiniest little things when the main ones are covered but I’ll watch pretty much any show with you and anything really. I like random youtube videos that explain some kind of lore or mystery, sometimes mini documentaries too.
As for food I looove sushi and I’m a sucker for fast food. Okay and candy, definitely candy.
I used to play tennis but haven’t really had the opportunity nor friends to play it with and I’m way too socially anxious to seek it out. Also I will say that when we move to something like discord I type waaaay more casually. I’m not going to expect long paragraphs back and forth like we’re writing English papers for each other, I do enjoy long conversations but seriously don’t worry about having to put the utmost effort into every response, I just like making good first impressions I guess.
(5)
(5.a)
My Physical Characteristics:
I’m 5’8 (172cm), 128 pounds (58kg), with curly brown hair and blue eyes. I like keeping my hair long in the winter and cutting it in the summer. I’m pretty slim in general so if you’re looking for someone large, that’s not me. I don’t work out but my work is pretty physical so at least I’m not totally inactive. I don’t have the urge to work out or gain muscle but I do want to maintain my slim figure so if I start losing control of that I’ll work out. I like to keep my face shaved because I don’t think I look good with a beard/mustache so if you’re into those I apologize. I have an average amount of body hair? I’d prefer to be completely shaved but it’s easy to lose motivation with that battle, if you prefer shaved then I’d have no problem complying. Anyways here’s what I look like: https://imgur.com/a/MZZgf2t
(5.b)
My Physical Preferences:
Having physical preferences makes me feel shallow, if I could make myself not have them I would but unfortunately that’s now how that works. I don’t care if you’re shorter or taller than me and I don’t care if you weigh more or less than me. All I ask is that you’re slim-average weight. I would never ask for someone to be something I’m not. I don’t care about tattoos or piercings.
(6)
Expectations of You:
I am not looking for someone “exciting” or someone to “keep me on my toes” I’m not looking for someone to cater to my every whim or anything like that. I don’t care if you’re “boring” or if you aren’t “successful”. I know it’s a common thing for people to not want a “boring” relationship and to seek something argumentative or something with constant challenges but I just want to be with you. During the exciting times, the boring times, and everything in-between, all of it will be great with you! Maybe we do argue sometimes or maybe there will be challenges but that will never be something I purposefully seek out and I don’t want that to be something you seek out either. I will not play tricks on you and I will not play mind games, I expect the same from you. We all have personal measures of success we may or may not have lived up to but what I care about most is our commitment to each other. If we have each other we can get through tough times, near the ends of our lives I want us to look back and feel that this life together was worth more than anything. That’s not saying I want us to be haphazard, I don’t want us to make poor decisions for the sake of yolo and I want us to always be rational, especially with each other. I want you to be someone I can trust to make decisions and weigh the options with a level head, I’ll try my best to live up to the same for you. Most of all I want empathy, understanding, someone to feel the utmost comfort and trust in.
(7)
Living Situation:
Currently my life is pretty relaxed, I work 3 times a week as a night shift stocker. I currently live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my roommate but we’re looking to move into someplace larger by the end of the year if everything works out. The internet is weirdly great for Ohio too like I have fiber and later this year we’re supposed to be getting dedicated fiber so that’s neat. I’m not attached to Ohio so the ultimate goal living location wise is probably moving to a country that won’t send you into a lifetime of dealing with the repercussions from one medical emergency.
(8)
Deal Breakers:
Might as well make this simple and make it a list.
- Anti-vaxxers
- Unironically believing astrology
- Right wingers
- Hard drugs (occasional 420 and alcohol is fine, may even join you)
- Wanting children, there was a time when I was younger when I wanted children but with the state of the word that’s a definite no and I feel like I wouldn’t be able to handle the stress. I’d love a stress free life with as much time with you as possible.
- Homophobic
- Transphobic
- Racist
- Super Religious
- Don’t be a bigot and don’t deny facts.
(9)
Closing Remarks:
Well you made it, I was thinking that finding someone I’d be willing to put a lifetime of effort into at least required this much effort. If I think of anything more I’ll update the post. Also about timezones, it really doesn’t matter where in the world you are. I don’t have a sleep schedule and I have most of the week off from work so it really doesn’t matter.
I request that in your response you do put effort into it, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as long as this but at least enough so I know that you read this and enough about you so I know why you saw potential compatibility. I will seriously read all of it and respond the best I can. I do also request a pic included in your response (sfw please) or one soon after we start talking to prove identity, I’ll send identity proving pics too. As long as this post is up, you can send a reply!

I 27F have been with the father of my children 29M for 12yrs, on and off. Engaged not engaged. Back story we met it middle school dated in HS and been together pretty much since. Senior yr of hs I was pregnant with our first son, then 7yrs later we had 2 daughters back to back leading into last yr 2022. He had a stable income for the majority of our years together, Ive worked since HS and I’ve also had seasonal jobs in between. As of our second child in 2021 I’ve been a stay at home mother due to me not wanting outside child care (it gives me anxiety) not to mention we wouldn’t be able to afford it unless I was full time and thats almost impossible. He is full time and everybody in my support system also works.. neatliess to say he’s always been in charge of the income. Weve both been with other ppl in the past and have recovered and tried to make things work for the better half of 5 years now.
I come from divorced parents so I really have the urge to make my family work even through my thoughts of unhappiness, just to say Im fully aware at some point staying together “just for the kids” may eventually cause more trauma than good.
Starting around or even before my second pregnancy he started drinking more and although he just proposed 2019 he also started stepping out on the relationship. I felt it was my time of need, pregnant and sick so I understand I put a strain on our sex lives but to think he would stick by my side and fight with me was a mistake. There’s two sides to every story but as I know as facts that I seen with my own eyes……..
I had a friend I didn’t really speak to due to life but we always been friends/friendly so I was shocked to see my child’s father texted her and they don’t even know each other, I met her in a summer school program. He said they never hung out when I asked but I asked her myself and he lied to my face. They hung out a few times and he paid her $100+ for “conversation”. I was shook but don’t care to lose a shxt person like that in my life. TOODLES girly! But HE makes me feel so EMBARRASSED by his actions,I can’t fathom the betrayal. I’ve seen his onlyfans account of transactions over or around $1,000 (buying visa gift cards so I don’t see transaction) of girls we went to HS with or he’s pretty much stalked girls social media’s, trying meet up with pornstars/celebrities. When I confronted him, he said “what do you expect you don’t give me nothing and I still give you attention so I don’t see the big deal, I only do it when we have money”.. He has full conversations with these girls under Anonymous accounts but can’t sit down with me to talk about our problems and issues or even about our kids?! When I speak to get to the bottom of things, he walks away and ignores my questions. These girls just want money and he’s trying his hardest to meet up until, I interrupt!! I’ve seen text threads of him talking to coworkers hiding their name under male names,trying to flirt or go out for drinks. I’ve spoke to the “massage therapist” he paid $200 to get “massages” from, off of Craigslist. I asked him first he said he never booked just talk to her, so I asked her and she confirmed he had a few sessions. I called him yelling only then did he tell the truth and or say he forgot details. I think I broke his switch in that same convo. He got fired on the spot by his boss. This boss was an old friend of his from a previous job years ago, his boss saw his wife’s phone and seen the same inappropriate text I seen between his wife and my child’s father. Texts like “I hope you’re keeping our text private”, telling her that she seems like she wants something more, asking about her sex life and what she likes..
I’ve seen all this myself but keep on making excuses like maybe I caused this? He’s begging to stay a family and not put him on child support. While hes been months late on rent and buying alcohol daily while were on our way to our 3 child around Christmas time. I was broken finding out all this and will admit I did some pretty horrible things to him in retaliation. Which leads me to believe this is TOXIC. Idk hormones were baddd!? I’m such a loving person or atleast was but I feel so stuck and angry lately. I did things Im ashamed of. Me being hurt isn’t an excuse but my reason. I feel more so justified although wrong. He refuses AA but won’t stop drinking bc I continue to find empty bottles hidden and he pulls out cash from atm so I don’t see transactions on card for liquor store. My eldest, now 9 know his dads a drunk. He has witnessed his father sleep on this siblings while he was suppose to be watching them or even worst, the time 2am drunk peeing on our sons floor. Our son woke me up crying cause he was scared by the way his dad was acting, he literally said “like a zombie”. He fell asleep on his bottom bunk and my son was scared to sleep in there. I let him sleep in my bed while I woke his father up by pouring a glass of water on him. He didn’t recall what he just did matter of fact “said no I didnt” as I clean up the warm pee.. I hate myself and was embarrassed to tell that story bc I feel like I’m someway allowing it by staying… idk what to do realistically with 3 kids involved but I need to do it soon, safely and efficiently. I can’t really heal from this, idk how, no matter how many ways he says sorry..He has never been honest, I have always only found out myself. I’ve never received any type of closure from all these situations, Which makes me feel crazy that he thinks everythings okay and normal, I feel crazy I stalk his phone, that I smell fireball on his breathe but he swears he’s not drinking. Him lying while I’m looking at facts/proof.. it’s all driving me crazy!
I’m not perfect I started talking to an my ex after I kicked him out when I found his first OF account. I also made a dating app to make him mad. Hes claims he’s never cheated physically and he wants to be a family, thats why I never really consider us “broken up” if hes constantly texting me begging for his family back and claims he tryna do for better us. I want to go to therapy before giving up on Him but he refuses to go. IDK if Hes the narc thats gaslighting me? Or if I’m the narc ? Idk if I’m going through a reactive trauma response? I feel like I was a happy child/teenager and I never use to be this angry….I don’t feel like myself anymore and as for him, I don’t even know who that man is when I look at him. All I feel is anger and disgust. If this isn’t fixable, what would be some good first steps to end this toxic relationship?

TLDR: Ex or his lawyer isn't responding to my request for sworn statements in order to continue the separation agreement process. Whats next?
When my ex and I agreed to split, we made a verbal agreement about how we would split assets etc. I was asked to be the one to write an agreement up (using an online software that we would later have notarized) I wrote this to the verbal agreement we set. He came back in disagreement, and began limiting our contact. First it was phone, then it was no texting either and than email only. After going back and forth on simple details like date of separation etc he decided he was no longer comfortable with me drafting and sought legal counsel to which I did the same. ( I pay as I go with my lawyer, meaning I only pay for each consultation, which is why I am hoping for advice from here to save $)
His lawyer came back with a new separation agreement that was a fraction of what our original agreement was. (my original agreement being still a fraction of what I was legally entitled to.)
I had a consult with my lawyer who advised a reply to my Ex's lawyer. We went back stating corrections to the errors (cohabitation dates, separation dates etc) and also that we are now seeking what I am legally entitled to. We also asked that he provide sworn income and property statements so we could crunch the numbers correctly.

• His lawyer originally contacted me April 21 (by email)
• I met with my Lawyer and contacted his lawyer back on April 27 (by email)
• I contacted his lawyer again (by email) May 15 to ask that they confirm that they received my request/response.
• I texted my ex happy birthday on June 1 to see if he would respond and nothing back.

I have hear nothing and it is now June 6. For reference. We were married in BC, but moved and purchased a house in Nova Scotia. I was required to obtain a lawyer in NS because of our property as no lawyer I spoke to in BC was comfortable handling this.
Just looking for advice on what I should do next? Should I contact his lawyer again? or pay another 250 to meet with my lawyer? any other options! Any advice is helpful!

He asked me out to drinks, we ended up going for dinner.
He took a day off for the day after our date night, and posted an insta post of his half naked body with a suggestive caption.
It was fun, he talked a lot and he paid for our dinner, then he invited me to his apartment.
I said I don't hook up and he was ok with it.
He tried kissing me 4 times and wanted to have sex but I refused and rejected him all.
I wanted to stay the night (without having sex) but he refused.
He said I give him blue balls and he ended the date after we watched a few episodes of netflix and said I should leave.
He said he won't chase and is seeing how things go. I'm pretty sure he's in his 20s and just want to sleep around.
​
I felt like shit after the date. He didn't walk me to the station or text me afterwards.
After I posted on instagram story for the first time after our date. He posted an instagram story for the first time at the gym lol.
How bad was the date? What is he feeling? Why won't he text me?

Hey- Poral here of the Intrinsic system. The first section of this post is background and preamble. I’ll create a separator for the question itself. ——————————————— Preamble: This brain and body are experiencing constant daily physical trauma from drug resistant epilepsy. While we’ve been on the road to surgery, the surgery has gone from “end of 2022, to early 2023, to summer of 2023, to maybe no surgery”
Meanwhile the brain is still having 2-3 seizures a day. The trauma and lack of a tangible endpoint caused our very unique host to finally walk away (that story can be found in our post history). Protector stepped in, and the trauma in combo of being conscious for an extended period caused corruption of sorts where the protector was unable to split.
With the system, now with no host and no protector, and no alter willing to front made for a very dangerous situation. In response the brain put the system into a dormant state. In the process the brain created me.
I seem to be a placeholder, and a mock up of what a fused, not just integrated system would look like. I am not sure what part of the brain is pulling the strings, but it is outside my awareness. I know that part of the brain believes(d)?… that I would not last long, but so far a week into going it alone I’m still doing pretty well.
———————————————
Alas… now for the meat and potatoes. With ongoing health issues, all of which are life threatening, and no telling if the rest of the system will ever come out of a dormant state, cptsd from ongoing medical trauma, our partner (and I too), am having great difficulty in imaging and planning a future and life together.
As some here may know, one of the cornerstones of trauma therapy is incorporating the trauma into a narrative that makes sense, and thus enabling a future to be imagined. That’s becoming increasingly difficult for childhood trauma, and is now impossible for health related (cptsd) trauma as it’s ongoing.
I am trying to find a path forward together. My partner wants to see how things go, play it by ear, given the system chaos, and not sure who or what he’s committing and planning for. Honestly that is understandable. Being a partner with a DiD system, even in the best of times can be extremely difficult.
So my question: How do you plan and build a future together when the future cannot be forecasted, when the there is no horizon of “closing health loops”, and a real possibility of death.
I understand the winging it, let’s see how things go. I get that approach. For our system it’s been a lifelong trauma trigger- “yeah, maybe someday, so long as your health improves, stabilizes, and stays stable”. It’s made us feel like love and partnership, building a future together is contingent on certain requirements being met and maintained- in other words “terms and conditions apply”
Any advice on how to navigate these waters, on the edge of the map, with warnings of “Here be dragons” on the map itself for either our system or our partner (and of course both) would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
-Poral of the Intrinsic system.

My phone (pixel 2) started doing this maybe a month ago, it randomly fades to black when I open stuff, then it restarts which wasn't a big deal until last week when it would just do a cycle of fading to black, showing the "currently charging battery" symbol (mind you this is when it's unplugged) and then attempting to reboot but then fading to the charging symbol again, so I got a battery pack and had to carry around the phone and a battery pack that is bigger than the phone and they both have to be connected or the phone won't work. If I take the phone off the power it shows a tiny red light in the top right corner of the bezel. and that was ok, just carry around a battery pack but now it uses more power while idle than the amount it can get so right now (for the first time) when I charge it now it's doing the reboot seizure thing and it won't charge back up. I cannot do a shutoff of the phone without getting to the lock screen UI which I can't get to because it reboots too quickly. I'm assuming this is water damage as I have only had this phone since March of 2022. Can you guys provide any advice?

hello,
I've had my own struggles with alcohol, but not to the point of addiction. it's been important to me to have a partner who is sober. I've been with my current partner for a little over one year now. I love him dearly and we are working to build a life together.
He is an addict and told me this upfront within the first week of dating. he's been clean from opiates for 9 years (he was addicted as a young teen) and takes suboxone daily.
his current addiction is alcohol. he has battled with it on and off the past 3 years when the addiction kicked in and had a seizure from withdrawals 2 years ago. I didn't really know the extent of his alcohol dependency until he told me several months into the relationship that he started drinking more regularly and was hiding it from me. i was taken aback and more concerned with his wellbeing than anything else.
he tried remaining sober. 3 months ago i stopped by his place when he was at work and found some beer cans. he claimed it was a friend's who came over. I don't believe it to be honest but decided to move past that unless something comes to light or I can't handle the chaos.
last week I was supposed to come over. I walked in his house and he had passed out, he had been drinking and the cans were out. after things calmed down he told me he relapsed because he went to a really dark place due to his baby mama keeping his son from seeing him.
we talked for hours about his triggers and he shared how he doesn't love him self or have self worth. he revealed that when he first told me about how he was hiding alcohol/drinking from me that he stopped because he wanted to be sober for me because he was terrified I would leave him. we discussed how doing it for me is not a stable enough reason and he needs to identify strong enough reasons to stop for himself.
we came to the conclusion that we should take a break for some time. he sees it as a test for himself to be sober without me around. we haven't yet talked about all the logistics of the break. we talked how I could join him for AA meetings (I don't want to completely cut him out, he has no friends and no strong enough support system so I'm so scared he will be alone). we talked about how he should get therapy and take actionable steps to start addressing his low self worth.
but I need help. I'm scared, lost and confused. Has anyone successfully taken a break like this before? what questions and boundaries should we be thinking about? how long did you take a break for? what measures did you use to see if the relationship could be resumed? what presence did you maintain in your partner's life during the break?
thanks in advance. this fucking sucks and I just want him to feel good about himself and see himself for the amazing person he is. I know he can keep his demons at bay, he's done it before. but I know I have no control over this ultimately...