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[28M dumpee] [24F dumper]
4 years. 4 years! Things haven't been all flowers and rainbows last year because of both of us struggling with our mental health (demanding jobs, PhD grind, low-key burnout). And the last 4 months were also long distance due to work/study. We saw each other every second weekend. We would have closed the distance in less than a year. I thought we were so much stronger than a few months of long distance. After a couple months you told me you are struggling with the distance. We planned to change things to the positive, with much longer visits, after our big Xmas trip. And in no world did I think we were close to breaking up.
And then, just a 3 weeks after our trip, out of nowhere, just when we were about to start changing things to the better, you cheat on me. I decided to forgive you and we reconnect and have one of the most beautiful evenings in a long time before you had to leave again. We tell each other we are each others loves of our lives, each others persons, we are gonna stay together forever, we got this and will work on things. 3 days later you call me and break up.
I break apart. I beg you. I want to discuss. I ask 100 questions. One more chance. We have so many positive changes planned. Both our mental health is better. "It wouldn't work", you say. "I don't wanna give you false hope", you say. At least you are willing to talk to me and visit me once more to do it in person. You lost feelings. You can't give specific reasons. You tell me it's you and not me or anything I did.
You tell me you had doubts for months. You never once talked to me about them. I have "Love you so so much honey" messages up to 2 days before you cheated on me and 10 days before you broke me. We had a 1 month trip to see your family for Xmas on a different continent just 1 month before you break it off. Everything was great there. We talked about the future. After going to a wedding we talk about what we would do at our wedding.
You tell me you didn't want to bring it up because then it becomes real and not just thoughts in your head. You were too scared to bring it up because you didn't want to loose everything before you have made up your mind completely. You lost feelings and can't really give any specific reasons. You say our relationship was great.
We were inseparable. Whenever you said you loved me unconditionally, we're gonna marry, we're gonna grow old together -- I believed you. Whenever I said I loved you unconditionally, you're my soulmate, that I cannot put in words how much I love you -- I truly meant it. Our families admired our relationship and we often told each other how we haven't seen any relationship as beautiful as ours.
You took my hand, walked me to a cliff, put a dagger into my heart, pulled me closer... and then pushed me off.
How?
How can you do this to me?

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Hey all,
I would like to hear some opinions and advice for my current schedule. I’ve been working as a night auditor for the past 4 months and my shift is 10:30 PM- 6:30 AM. I have to do paperwork until midnight and then I’m on-call the rest of the night and am allowed to sleep on a cot in the office for about 5-6 hours. Some nights no one calls, other nights I get woken up a couple times.
My issue is that I’m starting to develop insomnia and really struggle to sleep during my shift. I feel like my circadian rythym is getting destroyed by having to wake up to a loud phone multiple times. I’ve tried melatonin, reading before bed, drinking tea, I wear ear plugs and eye mask, use a fan, I exercise everyday.
How can I make myself more tired so that by the time I go to bed at work I’m out cold? When I wake up at 6am to make coffee for guests, should I stay up and nap later in the day or immediately go back to bed for a couple hours?
Im really struggling and appreciate any advice!!

I was 200 lbs at 15 or 16 when I first tried opiates. I got IV morphine in the hospital before the procedure. The anesthesiologist gave me a little taste of the medicine beforehand. Then I had a ton of roxicet (liquid oxy) after my tonsillectomy.
I literally hadn't even smoked weed before. Had drank alcohol a few timed.
I quickly realized that if I take 25mgs or so at once (my stomach was empty as I wasn't eating due to the cauterization scabs in my throat), I got a nice fetimes. It being a liquid the absorption was very fast.
I abused 1250 (it might very been 1500 mgs of oxy over the course of a couple weeks. Was taking 45 mgs at the end. Dosing like 2 or 3 times a day would skip a day here or there. Didn't have withdrawals somehow. I was scripted to take 5-10 mgs 4x per day for a week (280mgs) no idea why they gave me 5x that much! All at once too not even in refills.
I then started faking migraines and back pain to get vicodins from the doctor pretty regularly. Doing CWEs on them and potentiating with WGFJ, DXM, tagamet, etc.
Started smoking weed at 18. Instantly smoking ever day after that.
Then I legit got a health issue and was scripted morphine. I then faked some pain to continue getting morphine for months more.
Was introduced to snorting oxy by a girl I was dating.
Then I exaggerated back pain and was on 75mcg fent patches and oxy 10s and somas.
Id smoke the patches, abuse the somas, and snort the oxys. Then buy oxy or H for the rest of the month. That lasted about 8 months til I started IVing and was IVing daily for a month or two maybe. I ODed ODed on Heroin and somas and lost my scripts. My doctor was furious but he was a truly good person trying to help me. In retrospect I am very sorry for putting him through that. He even tapered me down off the fent patches for 2 months after that!!!
Right before getting clean I tried IV coke/speedball. Loved it but was done with things so got clean. I've relapse several times since then. Almost lost my house, family, ODed multiple more times.
Most recently I was shooting coke all day every day with breaks here and there and Heroin, oxy, and morphine every day multiple times a day. Had weeks of using over a gram of oxy a day. 1500 mgs of morphine? No problem. I was even still going out hiking. 2 grams of insanely high-quality tar, IV, was my go to. Speedballs all the time. Shot up 10 grams of extremely pure acetone washed coke in 6 days. Spent 25-30k in 5 months or so. Went through 1400 needles during that time not including reusing many of them.
You may think "I'll never get THAT bad!" Or "well he was IVing and I'll NEVER do that!" Well you have NO IDEA what you're capable of.
It may seem good at first but it will bring only pain in the end. Addiction is a lifelong struggle and it's not one you want to have to deal with.
Just don't. Please don't.

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Any subject from a love poem to a diss. I've even been asked to write one about an NSFW TikTok.
Happy birthday ***, A joy to many, To celebrate your day of birth, A confident swagger, set hearts a stagger, Not quite so down to earth, A shortened stature, Born eye catcher, A toast to you and all of your drive, Although sometimes cold, Or so I am told, Congratulations, or more life, May your days be shielded forever from strife, Your steps light as air, Your heart filled with care, For all the happiness comes from there
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I never made it past a week without any substitutes. I'm currently doing a break from weed (26 days) and stopped smoking cigarettes last weekend. Also doing nofap, no social media, less gaming, etc. for about a month now so basically a half-ass dopamine detox.
Just finished the book "Alcohol Explained" by William Porter and I'm playing with the thought of having a few (or many) drinks tonight and doing a journal on how the alcohol actually affects me, like he recommends in the book. The following quote was kind of eye opening and I want to focus on that feeling or experience of getting +10 in happiness from the first drink and -20 when it wears off so you have to keep drinking to stay happy.
"The physical impairment or intoxication does not dissipate at the same time as the feeling of mental relaxation. The mental relaxation always dissipates quicker, so to maintain a certain constant level of relaxation and contentment we have to become increasingly intoxicated. This disparity increases as our drinking years wear on and our bodies become more and more proficient at countering the anaesthetising effects of the alcohol."
Any thoughts about it? I usually drink 1-2 times a week but always at least a bottle of wine and maybe 2-4 beers, so not blackout drunk and more or less hangover free. Only fucked up sleep basically. But I have certainly build a tolerance and some habits or connections formed in brain that are not healthy. I'm probably on the verge of becoming an alcoholic if I'm not already within one of the first stages. I guess I'm already considered a binge-drinker but I live very healthly otherwise so I'm hesitant to admit that I have a problem but I wouldn't post here, if I had none.
I hope I could get some insight from you guys. Found this community a few weeks ago and it's amazing to see the support you give each other.