Pretty shemal

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Porn addiction. Where did it all go wrong it started when I was 12 and got introduced to porn by my brother, then I was hiding under my bed masterbaiting to pictures on my iPod of ,BEFORE I COULD EVEN CUM. That’s right . It wasn’t until like a year later that I actually came and thought something was wrong until it clicked that I maybe started to early. My mother was a nurse and promoted masterbation and even porn to an extent, if only she knew what it could do to a kid. So by 14 I was heavily addicted, probably 3 or more hours a day on average, nasterbaiting 5 times a day, staying up late. Actually wanting my friends to leave so I could watch porn by myself. I have a bad habit of trying to find the perfect video and take 2 hours to spend 1 minute touching my dick because I think a video looks good then fast forward to the good part then realize its not as good, acting sucks, girl not hot enough. Then resort back to the same few videos you know are the best. Making huge playlists of videos the never watching any of them until you think about deleting some then they are all the best videos and you couldn’t bear to part with them because what if you can’t find it again. So by 14 I had my first girlfriend ,she wanted me to not jerk off to porn so in my addict bring that meant to not cum, so yea I would watch porn for hours edging all night until cum was literally an inch from coming out then suppress it, then start again because I never got the release. i did that for almost a month and I feel like it might of damaged something down there because I could feel myself cumming but I would stop before I came like where tf did it go. So anyway I had trouble getting hard the first time with a girl and she called it her retarded member because I would be soft even if she gave me a bj. We broke up in a couple months For context I am I fairly good looking man with a nice body ( 6 pack ) getting girls never seemed to hard and some of them would literally throw themselves at me, but tell me why id rather jerk off to fucking pixels PIXELS! So sad. Around that time I went from watching like big booty teens and big natural tits to more taboo stuff. At first the family role-play was disgusting, because I knew I didn’t actually want any family member but eventually its what I craved, that and shemale porn. Around 16 is when I got my first dildo because I was interested in anal play and watching pron while riding a dildo was the fucking best. But I would still browse for the perfect video for far too long only this time with a didlo in my ass, for like hours,definitely not good. I would also want to cross dress and bought lingerie and thongs on amazon, even fake boobs, a squirting dildo because I wanted to give someone a bj but I wasn’t gay, porn made me want to be the woman almost. I also had severe penis size insecurities, starting with my first gf then my second who I didn’t want to cum quick so I would jerk it before she came over and then when we go to have sex it would go limp and shed have to suck me to get me hard, but the boner quality just wasn’t there. She was also 6’ 1’’ and I was like 5’9’’ I could tell her body could take way more dick then I had and it made me embarrassed. I would bring it up all the time like would you rather be with someone who isn’t as attractive but with a huge dick or someone who’s hot with a small dick, obviously she said the latter but I never believed her. We went on and off for years until college when we called it quits for good. During the times that we would date I would constantly compare her to people in porn, like yeah your alright but you tits are oddly shaped and your vagina hanging more than Ive seen in porn. For reference my dick is 6 inches or so and like 4.7 girth. Pretty much average and capable for most women but not to me, it was the smaller lamest dick ever and thought that if I went for the hot girls they wouldn’t be impressed by my dick so I never really tried for the girls I like. I got with the girls who came up to me first to talk and do stuff with because it was easier, I had no sex drive because at home I got all that I needed so I never chased a girl. This one girl was my friend and she wanted to hook up but I wasn’t attracted to her, long story but she ended up grabbing my dick in my sleep saying what do you want me to do, and I said nothin, then went back to bed. The next day she would say I had a small dick and talk about it infront of her friends, like it didn’t fuck me up or anything. i think she wanted me but because I didn’t want her she tried to hurt me is my guess. So one day she send me a picture of a Calvin Klein model saying this could be you but your a little too small down there.now obviously that hurt like why tf would you say that. She was basically obese being only 5’5 probably like 250 or so. So sent a text back saying that’s like me saying well you could be a Victoria secret model but you can’t because your fat. In my mind they were that same, but let me tell you she lost her shit, had all of her friends texting me saying I’m a piece of shit, that’s she’s crying non stop, but like bitch I’m hurt too. Ive only had sex with like 4 girls pretty sad considering how many opportunities I could of had, not that I care about hookups, but if I wasn’t jerking it I would defiantly have more game than I do. I’ve been called awkward by a lot of people but its probably the porn that’s rewiring my brain because sometimes I don’t even know how to interact with people. Somewhere along age 16 or so in between shemale and step mom/sister porn I found jailbait on good ole reddit. And wow, at first I felt like a child molester but seeing this young girls with fat asses was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. I got onto sites like primejb and teengallery, had huge favorite lists in the hundreds. Thats when I started viewing girls not as the sum of there parts, just there parts. If I saw a girl with a fat ass I literally couldn’t look away, fantasize about it all day, even if my gf was there and saw me and got mad. Id do my best not to get caught but always did. Id chalk it up to me being a perve. Even in college I still was on jb sites, literally jerking it to young teens right before class, even one time my gf at the time who rarely gave bjs wanted to give me one but I just jerked to the hottest young teen ass and couldn’t say that so I let her and boy did it take forever to cum. She hates bjs now because they take so long. Ive been disgusted with the habit since high school but always found a way to get back into it. It was ok I won’t watch porn just pictures, that’s better right, I would do that until I spent hours looking at pictures waiting to find a better one than the one before and would resort to looking up my favorite video just to cum and be able to go do something else. Or the old let me delete all my favorited videos so I won’t be tempted but what that really meant was instead of having your favorite video right there you spend twice the amount of time finding something just as hot. Ive contemplated becoming a highschool math teacher just so I could be around young girls, super fucked up, I’m a creep not a child molester but I know that I couldn’t do that to myself, especially since I hate kids and talking in public. I’ve always fantasized about giving into my addiction and living alone with a bunch of sex dolls so we could make all the fucked up shit I wanted as real as possible , but I know if I ever did that its over for me. So now I just turned 28 and had a gf for about 6 years but can’t tell if I want to be with her forever. I constantly look at her features and compare to other girls in a very non healthy way. I can’t tell if I don’t want to be with her or if I do but I’m just a porn addicted freak who doesn’t know how good I got it, because if I was alone porn would be way worse. Half the time I don’t watch porn because I know its been a couple days since sex and I don’t want it to be suspicious, so it helps but I would literally wait till she fell asleep at 11 and then go in the bathroom and watch porn and nut in the sink. Somehow I’ve never been caught and she doesn’t even know I’m addicted to porn. I feel like I can’t tell her because its been so long I just want to silently quit and no one has to know. So I spend my days waiting for a chance to be alone so I can put on my gfs underwear and ride a dildo for hours while video taping it all , just to look back at it in disgust. I used to have Fridays alone so every Friday I would basically all day be doing something fucked up, pretending I’m being blackmailed to put on a thong , give a lap dance, then a bj and then ride it for an hour while watching porn and videotaping with mirrors all over and my gfs underwear everywhere, it was a mess and after I never wanted to do anything after because I felt so fucked up. The government taking down those jb sites was a very good thing even though I was heart broken, I never saved any pictures for fear or someone finding them. but now with tik Tok its like a whole new jb problem, all the big bank challenges I got into it hard, literally downloading and deleting tik Tok everyday so I could look but not have it on my phone in case my gf saw it, the algorithm for my feed is straight slutty teens. I found motherless and found some old jb pictures there and broke and made a profile to save them. I was on for a couple days before I had like 3 pages of favorites, was gonna delete them all but found out you have to go one by one and besides I know that’s not the problem anyway. I also used to like to get on tinder just to look at slutty girls, even with a gf, I never messaged them just looked and swiped right for everyone. Until I matched with my girlfriends friend and it ended up being this big fight, but I played it off like it happened awhile ago and she just matched with me, I deleted it and never made that a habit again. Around age 18 I got genital warts somehow and to say that I thought no one wanted me made watching porn all the easier. I stopped trying to get girls even more because I didn’t want them to be like wtf is that wart on your dick. I eventually read that you can burn it off with garlic and did that and it actually worked but I think it came back. But every time I would go to the doctor they would say its nothing, even though I had a school doctor say I had GW before I used garlic. I also smoke pot have been pretty regularly since like 15 and the weed/porn combo is deadly. Every night I’m like why do I even smoke I hate the way it makes me feel when I’m high, but when I’m sober I’m like smoooooke. Over the years my porn has basically stayed at step fantasy on porn hub and the like, I’m not fucking with the dark web. i can’t help but find a girl with a nice ass that pretends to be my step sister amazingly hot, gia Paige anyone? Im a cross dresser I think because I love the way putting on a thong makes me feel, so sexy, and I think I have a nice bubbly butt for a guy so I love to wear thongs, twerk while I take videos, but then when I watch them later It doesn’t seem as sexy as it did before and end up deleting them. This has been going on from age 16-28 Porn has ruined the way I have sex, like I never speak during sex bc I don’t know what to say, and it feels awkward at times if we make eye contact. Also I’m starting to fantasize that my gf is my step sis, like ill give her a massage then go to her butt and pretend its my sis whose sore from working out or something and then have sex but in my head I’m like pretending its someone else. My sex life I think kinda sucks and I would never be confident plowing a one night stand, I talk to girls but when they open up about guys with big dicks or cumin 3 times from this guy it makes me feel so lame bc I know they wouldn’t say that about me and my dick I don’t think has made anyone cum. My gf that I have now for 6 years only had one other bf and of course he had ( the biggest fucking dick) when she told me we were only friends at the time but once we started dating I obessess over it. About how she couldn’t even fit her hands around it, how she could barely give him a bj or how sex was painful bc It was so big. But when I have sex with her its like I can go tip to balls and there a little moan but nothing crazy, never felt like I filled a woman up, and even though she said it sucked I can’t help but think that she’s lying somehow. It was a problem for months, I asked if he wore magnums and she said yeah and I was crushed. I wanted a girl who never had a bigger dick than me but on the flip side I find big dicks attractive, like porn with a pawg but the guy has a smaller dick kinda sucks. The actor on sislovesme has a nice one and it makes all the videos better. So I go from watching porn videos, to just pictures on reddit to ok ill jerk off but only to videos of myself, still porn but in my mind its not. But then nothing seems to be working, even when I’m watching my favorite videos now, a 10 minute video I find like 30 second to be the hottest keep going back to that little bit but can never coincide my orgasm to the best part. So I just deleted all my pornhub favorites, but they are still in the recently watched section and I cracked going there a few times, I don’t want to change I just want to be changed. Porn I think is the worst addiction bc it only harms yourself in a very abstract, harmless kind of way, no one is stealing money to buy porn because its free and available everywhere which makes it so dangerous.if cocaine was free and everywhere people would be od’ing all over the place because most people have no self control and being expensive is a good deterrant. I also go into Molly for a bit when I was like 15-17 and feel like it fucked up my brain a little bit, watching porn while riding a dildo high on Molly was probably the best feeling in the world. I also had a serious concussion when I was like 12 and seems like from then on my life took a turn for the worse, I feel like it damaged part of my brain for motivation but its actually just the pot and porn but I like to blame other things like my parents divorce. Also my mom died when I was 25 and at first I stopped watching step fantasy because it felt so fucked up like a big slap in the face, but eventually I caved and it became even hotter then before somehow. I believe in spirituality and can’t help but think she knows I’m a creep, like sometimes I’m in my gfs underwear and sucking on a dildo and my cat gives me this look like its a hundred ancestors communication through my cat saying stop this, its not the way. I never went to therapy because its too expensive and I know it all starts with me and my ability to control my emotions and desires. So here I am unemployed for 6 months , moved back in with my parents and just sit there and play xbox and master bait almost everyday. My stepmom works from home so its annoying always having her around but better because if she wasn’t I would be 10x worse. I think I have social anxiety, depression , a real inability to connect with anyone, or desire too nd procrastination off the charts. After watching a video on Netflix about how much information the internet had about you and how everything is tracking the sites you see and shit makes me realize that if I was ever profiled by the gov or something that its literally 10+ years of step fantasy young teen porn like how fucking sad that’s what the Internet know about me. I keep thinking its time to quit, late night thoughts of a better life turn to the morning reality of an addict. And the cycle repeats, why do I find this pixelated ass on a computer screen so attractive. I’ve never been to a strip club bc it seems stupid to pay for shit I can get for free. But I can say that going to the beach is the best bc there is so much ass there I can’t help myself, but in reality you can’t just stare at a screen so I have to be decorate, find a reason to walk behind a hot girl or find a way to turn around to look at this chicks ass without my gf knowing. I almost want to make an only fans bc I know personally a lot of gay guys that wanted me , and considering I’m twerking in thongs and fucking dildos on video anyway why not make money off it. But the thing stopping me is that if I start making money off it then ill just be this little gay but slut and eventually someone I know will find out considering you have to promote yourself a lot to get noticed. I have a fantasy of being with a sugar daddy and getting paid to get fucked by some rich guy. Over the years I think my genital health has declined due to having boners for hours and I can literally feel my balls contracting into me. sometimes when I cum if I’ve been edging awhile my right testicle will like pop inside and I have to push it back out, slightly painful but I feel like my pelvic floor is weak or my seminal vesicles are like twisted or something bc sometime I get random pain there. Also I think my dick is shrinking but its probably bc it never has time to fucking rest, I was thinking the other day my dick has been goin at least 3-14 times a week for like 14 years, never more than a week off. I want to take a break but when I do I feel my dick resent it and it gets harder to want to have sex and I cum quickly, so instead of suffering for probably like a month I just keep the cycle. Do I want to stop? Yes, then what’s bringing me back to it time and time again. Its that once its in my head its very hard to get rid off. For instance say a saw a hot girl in yoga pants at the mall I would think about it all day wishing I got a better look or somehow took a picture (I’m into candid ass shots but never have myself for fear or being caught) and it won’t go away untill I jerk off. Or if I’m trying to jerk off and something happens like my gf comes home early or the internet goes out, instead of just giving up and doing something else I dwell on it and check the internet every 10 minutes waiting or say to my gf that I’m not that horny (big ole lie) so I can wait till she falls asleep and jerk to porn. The fact that I haven’t been found out by now amazing me sometimes considering how many close calls there were of like the difference of 10 minutes of me riding a dildo in the living room to cleaning up in the shower and finding out my gf got home while I was showering. What I would do if she walked in on my wearing her thong sucking on a dildo trying to cum on my own face? She’s very understanding but damn id probably leave her because id be so emabrressd about how much of a fucking weirdo I am. I just can’t believe that I spend the best high school college years of my life not living just jerking off not trying to make more friends ( made stoner friends and called it good) id consider myself to have no real friends like I have people that I hangout with but over the years its like we do it out of habit and not for the fun times we have because even when I’m at my friends I’m like thinking of when to leave or what to say or why aren’t we having fun like friends do, its like awkward almost but if I give up in the few remaining friends I have then I wouldn’t know where to go to get more. Im grateful I never started smoking cigs or got addicted to hard drugs but when I think about how like stupid all this shit is that I’m doing it depresses me. I obviously know that the problem is me, not porn not weed not my mom dying not my parents getting divorced, me. Because all these things happened to my brother too and he’s a cpa making great money living on his own and I’m a college graduate who was working at Fedex because I don’t know what else to do. My mom always said out of my brother and sister I have the potential and that I was her last hope. To say that I let her down in her grave is an understatement, I’m the biggest fuck up out of all of them. I constantly psyche myself out of things like I want to be an PA but I could never do all those classes or I would hate to run around all day stressed, to working at Fedex knowing that I’m way smarter than what I’m doing and I have the capacity for great things but procrasterbation is a bitch. I also have this fear that if I have kids and ones a girl that I would be fantasizing about her friends she brings over if they are hot, and I would be like watching them swim in the pool while I’m in my bedroom jerking it or something. Or that I would install cameras to catch something, I never have and never plan on it but I’m sure those are the next steps in porn addiction.

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Tranny - Simple. Universal. To the point. Kinda uncreative though, it’s just how Australians say “trans”. 7.25/10
Troon - Feels like it’s trying too hard. Lacks the elegant simplicity of tranny. Still, it gets some points for creativity. 6.1/10
Tranner - I’m not sure if this one is a slur, or just what 4tran users call themselves. Maybe both. 4.5/10
Dickgirl - This one gives me a raging boner every time I read it. 3.14159/10
Shemale - Pretty solid. Fun to say. Unlike some other slurs it’s rather obvious what kind of “people” this one is referring to. 8.3/10
Ladyboy - Hard to tell if this one is directed at trans women, trans men, or femboys. That being said all three of these are the same anyways so it’s not much of a flaw. 5.9/10
Hon - Needs no elaboration. 🧔‍♀️/10
Trap - That the trans “community” has decided it’s best not to reclaim this one should tell you enough. 9.4/10
Cuntboy - This one also makes me rock hard every time I read it. 2.71828/10
Pooner - An artful mix of comical and lacerating. One of the few trans slurs that actually sounds like a slur. 9.80665/10
Cis - YWNBAS (you will never be a slur) 0/10
Groomer - Really solid. Has been used effectively to fearmonger about trans “people”. Loses some points for lack of creativity, but gets them back for actually sounding like a slur. 8.75/10
Faggot - Rolls off the tongue nicely. Not technically a trans slur, but it applies to any trans “person” so this isn’t a major flaw. 9.1/10

Please DM if you are from lahore, im bottom. Dont waste if you are not them

This will be a long one for anyone that cares too read it.
I made a post earlier that I knew would get downvoted and hated on, but I made it anyways why? Because as the title of this post says... I'm lost...
About me. I was born looking like a girl, and for at least 5 years of my life, people thought I was. (my mom was constantly correcting people) as for myself, a kid that age... I didn't think too much about it... I was a small child, after all.
A few years go by, and that's when the gender rolls kinda started sink into me. Mostly, it was health class, I learned about puberty and how a female and male body change during. I hated the thought. But at that time ( late nineties ), I didn't know transitioning was a thing. I mostly thought I'd go through life just hating my own body.
A few more years go by, and now I'm in junior high. The internet has just became more mainstream then it originally was and I discovered porn, shemale porn to be exact. Well a friend of mine showed me it as a joke... but it definitely changed something in me. I wanted too know more. Not the porn aspect... more of this is an attractive woman who also happens to have a penis aspect. That's when I learned about trans women and I so desperately wanted too go through with the process.
Problems with this... my dad already considered me a problem child and was pretty religious. He loved to make fun of people that were different, me being one of them. Out of fear, I didn't want to add more fuel to his fire. So I said nothing...
But I also still had doubts. Would it be worth it if I did start transitioning? If Pryor to being born if had the choice of being male or female and understood the end results of both, I would have chosen Female in a heartbeat... but that's not happened, and the life I got was the life I got... even if I did start transitioning, I'd never be fully female. I wouldn't be able to get pregnant, or know what a period felt like or any other experiences a "natural girl" would have and I've heard mixed results about having my dick replaced with a vagina and could I just forget that I was originally male? it put me into depression. Like bad depression I didn't care about anything... I didn't see the point too anything. School work suffered, work suffered, and I barely could make friends, and the one I did get were also transphobic, and I would fake laugh along with their laughter... I hated myself.
I did think about taking my own life in more than just one occasion...
But that was my life and I just had to exept it, right? I'm from a small northern mining town. Everyone had the mindset like my father. Vary religious and didn't diverge from the flow of things. There was no one to talk to about this. See a therapist? Ya, right. There was a waiting list. One visited my town every so often..
Puberty made me feel worse. Voice started changing. Hair began to grow in places I never wanted it too, and my tiny body began to look more masculine. The cute little boy my mom had to constantly correct people in thinking I was a girl was gone... and I hated every moment of it...
I starred hormones when I was 29. I'm 32 now and fully regret not doing it sooner. I didn't start sooner do too my doubts and my vary anti LGBT father. I had no other family and no other place to go. I was 9 hours away driving to even go to another town/city. I felt lost and alone...
Why did I finally start? My father started getting old and not all there. Started not caring about a lot of things me included, so I figured I could fly under his radar and just do it. Also, at the time, my depression was only getting worse. So I decided fuck it... if there was a chance on actually maybe being happy I should try? Right?.
At this point I'm 29 and everyone thinks I'm a regular guy. I didn't know how to bring up that I'm transitioning... still don't. I started during covid there was lots I'd would have liked to discuss with the therapist like my doubts, but it was a zoom call and I was just asked a few questions he approved me for medication and that was that. Never spoke to him again. I don't know any trans people not really. And especially not any who had the same doubts. So I felt lost... still do.
I had the mindset of trans women can never be women. It was mentally beat into me. I wish it wasn't. I feel it stopping me from fully being me... but I also knew if I didn't start I would do something dumb that I'd definitely regret or just be dead and have it all be over...
I am definitely happier now. I can actually go through a full day with a smile on my face. That was not possible before. But I still feel lost... did others ever feel the same way I did/do?
Anyways sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading it if ya did! I'm open to chat if anyone else is...
(Edited spelling best I can)