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2012.03.08 00:05 Roberta04 United Church of Canada: for members and/or supporters to share ideas, pictures, and stories.

The United Church of Canada is the largest Protestant church in Canada and, after the Roman Catholic Church, the second-largest Christian church in Canada.
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2023.06.01 19:39 Bard_of_Light [Spoilers Extended] LBJ: Mirror on the Wall: King Robert vs. Queen Cersei

media.tenor.com/ydMWvQCt6MIAAAAC/horny-shrek.gif
Video: Mirror - Shrek
This is part of a series exploring the hidden motives and actions of the main players during Robert's Rebellion, named LBJ in reference to the influence of Lyndon B. Johnson and the Vietnam War on GRRM's views and writings on war. LBJ also indicates considerations over whether Lyanna + Bobby B = Jon Snow. Previous installments include:
In the last part, we combed through evidence that Lyanna fought disguised as Rhaegar at the Trident. We'll now examine why Cersei's torture of the Blue Bard indicates that Rhaegar was tortured by Robert, for the crime of crowning his beloved Lyanna with winter roses in front of half the realm.
"It saddens me to see Your Grace so careworn. I say, run off and play and leave the King's Hand to hear these tiresome petitions. We could dress as serving girls and spend the day amongst the smallfolk, to hear what they are saying of the fall of Dragonstone. I know the inn where the Blue Bard plays when he is not singing attendance on the little queen, and a certain cellar where a conjurer turns lead into gold, water into wine, and girls into boys. Perhaps he would work his spells on the two of us. Would it amuse Your Grace to be a man one night?"
- A Feast for Crows Cersei VIII

Mirror on the Wall: King Robert vs. Queen Cersei

Robert is practiced at shutting his eyes to things he’d rather not see, like when he can’t admit he’s too fat for his armor (like Cersei assumes washerwomen shrunk her gowns) or when he pretends wine made him hurt his queen (which Cersei reenacts on Taena, but is frustrated when that Myrish slut enjoys it). Robert fills his court with corrupt lickspittles and admits on his deathbed that he was a bad king when previously he expected Ned to say otherwise. Likewise, Cersei assumes she’s a political mastermind, basically Tywin with teats. In answer to Robert grooming Barra's barely pubescent mother, Cersei grooms and psychologically scars young Lancel (and Tyrek too for all we know). Robert incestuously cheats with his Estermont cousin early in his reign, so Cersei rekindles incest with her brother Jaime. Cersei has bastards killed who could threaten her own children's claims, and Robert tries to have Dany and her unborn child killed to protect the throne from dragonspawn. Robert pretends to care about his baseborn children, and people doubt Cersei loves anyone as more than an extension of herself (although Varys disagrees). Robert does seem to realize he doesn’t love his heirs, which raises the question of whether or not he knew they were bastards.
To her credit, Cersei did not look away. “He saw us. You love your children, do you not?”
Robert had asked him the very same question, the morning of the melee. He gave her the same answer. “With all my heart.”
“No less do I love mine.”
- A Game of Thrones Eddard XII
King Robert and Queen Cersei are an exercise in avoiding hypocritical analysis; any fault decried in one is reflected in the other in a role-appropriate way. Both lie to themselves and others, drink in excess, have cruel tempers, are physically and sexually abusive, and are terrible parents and rulers. Martin has clearly written Robert and Cersei to mirror one another, and if we saw Robert’s inner monologue, surely it would reveal that he’s just as arrogant and delusional as his wife.
It’s often claimed Robert was unaware of the illegitimacy of his heirs, as he would have gone berserk had he known. If one believes Robert would have executed Cersei for cuckolding him, then it must also be true that Rhaegar incurred Robert’s hatred when he crowned Lyanna with sexually suggestive winter roses in front of half the realm. In fact, we know he did:
As for Robert Baratheon himself, some say he laughed at the prince’s gesture, claiming that Rhaegar had done no more than pay Lyanna her due…but those who knew him better say the young lord brooded on the insult, and that his heart hardened toward the Prince of Dragonstone from that day forth.
- The Fall of the Dragons: The Year of the False Spring The World of Ice and Fire
Given his family history of Targaryen betrayal, when the Laughing Storm rebelled against the Iron Throne over a broken betrothal, as well as his possessiveness of Lyanna, Robert would seek vengeance over Rhaegar's actions at Harrenhal. So when Robert talks about Rhaegar raping Lyanna, it’s easy to imagine that he’s reinforcing a lie to himself. Similar to how he projects Lyanna onto Cersei on their wedding night, Robert is capable of projecting his own actions onto Rhaegar. Robert is the person who actually had sex with Lyanna… but only once.
The king touched her cheek, his fingers brushing across the rough stone as gently as if it were living flesh. “I vowed to kill Rhaegar for what he did to her.”
“You did,” Ned reminded him.
“Only once,” Robert said bitterly.
- A Game of Thrones Eddard I
This subtext is mirrored by Jon Connington's implied love for Rhaegar. Connington laments that Rhaegar ass-ended his tower only once, then indicates that all the girls cried when Rhaegar played his harp, implying that Lyanna crying over Rhaegar's music was nothing special.
Yet when they parted, Jon Connington did not go to the sept. Instead his steps led him up to the roof of the east tower, the tallest at Griffin's Roost. As he climbed he remembered past ascents—a hundred with his lord father, who liked to stand and look out over woods and crags and sea and know that all he saw belonged to House Connington, and one (only one!) with Rhaegar Targaryen. Prince Rhaegar was returning from Dorne, and he and his escort had lingered here a fortnight. He was so young then, and I was younger. Boys, the both of us. At the welcoming feast, the prince had taken up his silver-stringed harp and played for them. A song of love and doom, Jon Connington recalled, and every woman in the hall was weeping when he put down the harp. Not the men, of course. Particularly not his own father, whose only love was land. Lord Armond Connington spent the entire evening trying to win the prince to his side in his dispute with Lord Morrigen.
- A Dance with Dragons The Griffon Reborn
Robert's false accusation of rape mirrors Lord Mathis Rowan's daughter's lie which landed Dareon, a singer and harpist, on the Wall; if Arya had this information, maybe she wouldn't have murdered him for desertion.
It made her angry to see Dareon sitting there so brazen, making eyes at Lanna as his fingers danced across the harp strings.
_
He is a man of the Night's Watch, she thought, as he sang about some stupid lady throwing herself off some stupid tower because her stupid prince was dead. The lady should go kill the ones who killed her prince. And the singer should be on the Wall.
- A Feast for Crows Cat of the Canals
So when one considers that our favorite evil queen had an innocent singer imprisoned and tortured on trumped up charges, it then should not come as a shock that the fan-favorite warrior king would do something similar.

The Blue Bard Mirror

Cersei has the Blue Bard arrested and tortured in the dungeons, framing him for seducing Margaery. Afraid of Maggy the Frog's prophecies and thus jealous of Margaery, Cersei imprisons the young queen's favorite musician, accusing him of bedding her. She enlists Qyburn to torture a false confession from the Blue Bard and lies to herself about its veracity. The main beats of Cersei's motives and actions here 'rhyme' with what actually happened to Rhaegar: jealous over the prophecy-minded, musical prince's use of pale blue roses at Harrenhal, which according to Bael the Bard's song indicates a desire to bed and father a child on a Stark maiden, Robert imprisoned and tortured Rhaegar, also having Lyanna imprisoned in the tower of joy with Dorne's help, raped her, and lied about Rhaegar's guilt.
What follows is an examination of the Blue Bard torture scene from A Feast for Crows, Cersei IX.
Like Bael the Bard, the Blue Bard is linked to pale blue roses, signaling that his story is relevant to mysteries surrounding Lyanna.
“Not kind,” said Cersei, “merely truthful. Taena tells me that you are called the Blue Bard.”
“I am, Your Grace.” The singer’s boots were supple blue calfskin, his breeches fine blue wool. The tunic he wore was pale blue silk slashed with shiny blue satin. He had even gone so far as to dye his hair blue, in the Tyroshi fashion. Long and curly, it fell to his shoulders and smelled as if it had been washed in rosewater. From blue roses, no doubt. At least his teeth are white. They were good teeth, not the least bit crooked.
“You have no other name?”
His eyes are like Robert's eyes, beckoning readers to 'see':
A hint of pink suffused his cheeks. “As a boy, I was called Wat. A fine name for a plowboy, less fitting for a singer.”
The Blue Bard’s eyes were the same color as Robert’s. For that alone, she hated him. “It is easy to see why you are Lady Margaery’s favorite.”
“Her Grace is kind. She says I give her pleasure.”
“Oh, I’m certain of it. Might I see your lute?”
“If it please Your Grace.” Beneath the courtesy, there was a faint hint of unease, but he handed her the lute all the same. One does not refuse the queen’s request.
Cersei plucked a string and smiled at the sound. “Sweet and sad as love. Tell me, Wat . . . the first time you took Margaery to bed, was that before she wed my son, or after?”
For a moment he did not seem to understand. When he did, his eyes grew large. “Your Grace has been misinformed. I swear to you, I never—”
vs.
For a moment Robert did not seem to understand what Ned was saying. Defiance was not a dish he tasted often. Slowly his face changed as comprehension came. His eyes narrowed and a flush crept up his neck past the velvet collar. He pointed an angry finger at Ned. "You are the King's Hand, Lord Stark. You will do as I command you, or I'll find me a Hand who will."
- A Game of Thrones Eddard VIII
Not only do these passages share certain words and syntax, but they also reinforce both Cersei and Robert's rash, retaliatory natures. Both expect to be obeyed.
Cersei's violence towards the singer even evokes Robert smashing the rubies off Rhaegar's armor at the Trident.
“Liar!” Cersei smashed the lute across the singer’s face so hard the painted wood exploded into shards and splinters. “Lord Orton, summon my guards and take this creature to the dungeons.”
Orton Merryweather’s face was damp with fear. “This . . . oh, infamy . . . he dared seduce the queen?”
“I fear it was the other way around, but he is a traitor all the same. Let him sing for Lord Qyburn.”
The Blue Bard went white. “No.” Blood dripped from his lip where the lute had torn it. “I never . . .” When Merryweather seized him by the arm, he screamed, “Mother have mercy, no.”
“I am not your mother,” Cersei told him.
Cersei retorts that she's not the Blue Bard's mother, before having Wat tortured out of jealousy of her step-daughter Margaery, who she thinks is the younger queen from Maggy's prophecy. This is clearly meant to reflect the story of Snow White, in which her vain and wicked step-mother is told by a magic mirror that the princess is more beautiful, leading her to send a huntsman to kill her. He takes Snow White into the deep of the wood but lets her flee, presenting a boar's heart to the evil queen instead. Similarly, Robert is a huntsman who is killed by a boar, with the aid of strongwine supplied by Cersei.
Dorcas put a silver looking glass into her hand. Very good, the queen thought, smiling at her reflection.
- A Feast for Crows Cersei V
I've previously argued that the queen of love and beauty's laurel at Harrenhal was actually formed from white roses and mistaken as pale blue like frost in shadow. "The Blue Bard went white" is just one of many pieces of text that foreshadows this reveal. Azor Ahai forges Lightbringer, so it makes sense that solutions to major mysteries would involve light phenomena.
Even in the black cells, all they got from him were denials, prayers, and pleas for mercy. Before long, blood was streaming down his chin from all his broken teeth, and he wet his dark blue breeches three times over, yet still the man persisted in his lies. “Is it possible we have the wrong singer?” Cersei asked.
“All things are possible, Your Grace. Have no fear. The man will confess before the night is done.” Down here in the dungeons, Qyburn wore roughspun wool and a blacksmith’s leather apron. To the Blue Bard he said, “I am sorry if the guards were rough with you. Their courtesies are sadly lacking.” His voice was kind, solicitous. “All we want from you is the truth.”
“I’ve told you the truth,” the singer sobbed. Iron shackles held him hard against the cold stone wall.
“We know better.” Qyburn had a razor in his hand, its edge gleaming faintly in the torchlight. He cut away the Blue Bard’s clothing, until the man was naked but for his high blue boots. The hair between his legs was brown, Cersei was amused to see. “Tell us how you pleasured the little queen,” she commanded.
vs.
There was a faint blue shimmer to the thing, a ghost-light that played around its edges, and somehow Will knew it was sharper than any razor.
- A Game of Thrones Prologue
Qyburn slices off the Blue Bard's nipple and the wet red eye weeps blood... Margaery may favor his music, but it's obvious they did not have a sexual relationship. Lyanna also was moved to tears by Rhaegar's music, but that doesn't mean she desired him. This series is called A Song of Ice & Fire, so it's appropriate to hide major clues to its most important mysteries in a singer's tale.
“I never . . . I sang, was all, I sang and played. Her ladies will tell you. They were always with us. Her cousins.”
“How many of them did you have carnal knowledge of?”
“None of them. I’m just a singer. Please.”
Qyburn said, “Your Grace, mayhaps this poor man only played for Margaery whilst she entertained other lovers.”
Lord Qyburn ran a hand up the Blue Bard’s chest. “Does she take your nipples in her mouth during your love play?” He took one between his thumb and forefinger, and twisted. “Some men enjoy that. Their nipples are as sensitive as a woman’s.” The razor flashed, the singer shrieked. On his chest a wet red eye wept blood. Cersei felt ill. Part of her wanted to close her eyes, to turn away, to make it stop. But she was the queen and this was treason. Lord Tywin would not have turned away.
vs.
The dragon prince sang a song so sad it made the wolf maid sniffle, but when her pup brother teased her for crying she poured wine over his head.
- A Storm of Swords Bran II
Like Cersei mentally distorts reality to believe Margaery seduced the Blue Bard, it's easy to imagine Robert convincing himself that Lyanna tempted Rhaegar, to try to make sense of the insult at Harrenhal:
In the end the Blue Bard told them his whole life, back to his first name day. His father had been a chandler and Wat was raised to that trade, but as a boy he found he had more skill at making lutes than barrels. When he was twelve he ran off to join a troupe of musicians he had heard performing at a fair. He had wandered half the Reach before coming to King’s Landing in hopes of finding favor at court.
“Favor?” Qyburn chuckled. “Is that what women call it now? I fear you found too much of it, my friend . . . and from the wrong queen. The true one stands before you.”
Yes. Cersei Robert blamed Margaery Tyrell Lyanna for this. If not for her, Wat Rhaegar might have lived a long and fruitful life, singing his little songs and bedding pig girls princesses and crofter’s lord’s daughters. Her scheming forced this on me. She has soiled me with her treachery.
Cersei urges the Blue Bard to recant certain accusations, reinforcing the fact that people of means have privileges, a theme of King Robert's reign:
"Not true, Your Grace," protested a wispy young man who must have been Caswell. "What is mine is yours."
"Whenever someone said that to my brother Robert, he took them at their word," Renly said.
"Do you have daughters?"
"Yes, Your Grace. Two."
"Then thank the gods that I am not Robert. My sweet queen is all the woman I desire." Renly held out his hand to help Margaery to her feet. "We'll talk again when you've had a chance to refresh yourself, Lady Catelyn."
- A Clash of Kings Catelyn II
vs.
By dawn the singer’s high blue boots were full of blood, and he had told them how Margaery would fondle herself as she watched her cousins pleasuring him with their mouths. At other times he would sing for her whilst she sated her lusts with other lovers. “Who were they?” the queen demanded, and the wretched Wat named Ser Tallad the Tall, Lambert Turnberry, Jalabhar Xho, the Redwyne twins, Osney Kettleblack, Hugh Clifton, and the Knight of Flowers.
That displeased her. She dare not besmirch the name of the hero of Dragonstone. Besides, no one who knew Ser Loras would ever believe it. The Redwynes could not be a part of it either. Without the Arbor and its fleet, the realm could never hope to rid itself of this Euron Crow’s Eye and his accursed ironmen. “All you are doing is spitting up the names of men you saw about her chambers. We want the truth!”
“The truth.” Wat looked at her with the one blue eye that Qyburn had left him. Blood bubbled through the holes where his front teeth had been. “I might have . . . misremembered.”
“Horas and Hobber had no part of this, did they?”
“No,” he admitted. “Not them.”
“As for Ser Loras, I am certain Margaery took pains to hide what she was doing from her brother.”
“She did. I remember now. Once I had to hide under the bed when Ser Loras came to see her. He must never know, she said.”
The previous line draws attention to a gaping hole in the Rhaegar red herring: Rhaegar believed his children by Elia were heads of the dragon, his son Aegon the prince that was promised, and yet he allegedly left three Kingsguard with Lyanna while leaving none to protect his other children. He also failed to explain their disappearance, when doing so would have gone a long way towards keeping his and Lyanna's families alive.
I am not lying. Ser Amory dragged Princess Rhaenys out from under her father’s bed and stabbed her to death. He had some men-at-arms with him, but I do not know their names.” He leaned forward. “It was Ser Gregor Clegane who smashed Prince Aegon’s head against a wall and raped your sister Elia with his blood and brains still on his hands.
- A Storm of Swords Tyrion IX
Wat is kept in the black cells and given milk of the poppy for his pain. He is told by Cersei that he can take the black if he lies sufficiently, so he continues to lie when the Faith gets ahold of and also tortures him. Ned was likewise kept in the black cells, feverish from his broken leg but denied milk of the poppy, then was given a similar deal, the black in exchange for lying and dishonoring himself, before being beheaded on the steps of the Sept of Baelor.
“I prefer this song to the other.” Leave the great lords out of it, that was for the best. The others, though . . . Ser Tallad had been a hedge knight, Jalabhar Xho was an exile and a beggar, Clifton was the only one of the little queen’s guardsman. And Osney is the plum that makes the pudding. “I know you feel better for having told the truth. You will want to remember that when Margaery comes to trial. If you were to start lying again . . .”
“I won’t. I’ll tell it true. And after . . .”
“. . . you will be allowed to take the black. You have my word on that.” Cersei turned to Qyburn. “See that his wounds are cleaned and dressed, and give him milk of the poppy for the pain.”
“Your Grace is good.” Qyburn dropped the bloody razor into a pail of vinegar. “Margaery may wonder where her bard has gone.”
“Singers come and go, they are infamous for it.”
The climb up the dark stone steps from the black cells left Cersei feeling breathless. I must rest. Getting to the truth was wearisome work, and she dreaded what must follow. I must be strong. What I must do I do for Tommen and the realm. It was a pity that Maggy the Frog was dead. Piss on your prophecy, old woman. The little queen may be younger than I, but she has never been more beautiful, and soon she will be dead.
Ahem...
It rained all through that night, and come morning Ned, Lem, and Watty the Miller awoke with chills. Watty could not keep his breakfast down, and young Ned was feverish and shivering by turns, with skin clammy to the touch.
- A Storm of Swords Arya VIII
Of interest, the only time our author's name appears in the canon is applied to Lord Confessor George Graceford, a notorious torturer during the reign of Aegon III who had a knack for extracting false confessions. Because of this, and in light of mirrored text during Qyburn's torture of the Blue Bard, surely this scene is of utmost importance in unravelling hidden truths.
Like Cersei with the Blue Bard, Robert may have wanted to witness the torture of Rhaegar. Previously, we saw indications that Rhaegar and/or his companions were held in Ghaston Grey, the Alcatraz-style island prison in the Sea of Dorne. Yet it's also possible Rhaegar was held for a time on the mainland, perhaps at Summerhall or even Storm's End, where Robert lingered while trying to consolidate his military power:
The king's voice was thick with anger. "My brother had a gift for inspiring loyalty. Even in his foes. At Summerhall he won three battles in a single day, and brought Lords Grandison and Cafferen back to Storm's End as prisoners. He hung their banners in the hall as trophies. Cafferen's white fawns were spotted with blood and Grandison's sleeping lion was torn near in two. Yet they would sit beneath those banners of a night, drinking and feasting with Robert. He even took them hunting. 'These men meant to deliver you to Aerys to be burned,' I told him after I saw them throwing axes in the yard. 'You should not be putting axes in their hands.' Robert only laughed. I would have thrown Grandison and Cafferen into a dungeon, but he turned them into friends. Lord Cafferen died at Ashford Castle, cut down by Randyll Tarly whilst fighting for Robert. Lord Grandison was wounded on the Trident and died of it a year after. My brother made them love him, but it would seem that I inspire only betrayal. Even in mine own blood and kin. Brother, grandfather, cousins, good uncle . . ."
- A Storm of Swords Davos IV
In testament to how easy it is to be duped into supporting conflicts based on lies, just as Robert and his allies garnered support for the rebellion based on malicious propaganda, consider this fact about the film The Rock, set at Alcatraz:
A scene from the film was the basis for incorrect and false descriptions of the Iraqi chemical weapons program. Britain’s Secret Intelligence Service was led to believe Saddam Hussein was continuing to produce weapons of mass destruction by a false agent who based his reports on the movie the false claims of weapons of mass destruction were the justification for UK’s entering the war.)
Video: The Rock - Ranger Bob
Going forward, we'll continue the examination of evidence that Robert Baratheon truly earned his moniker the Demon of the Trident, showing that he went along with a deceptive plot to overthrow the Targaryen dynasty, and even raped Lyanna after his loss at Ashford. We will then conclude by examining Ned's inner turmoil, indicting his best friend and king. To preview where this series is headed, in its full audio/visual glory with greater detail, look here.
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Cats (2019) HD/MA $4
Cecil B. Demented HD/VU $4.5
Charlie Brown 4-Film Set (A Boy Named Charlie Brown, Bon Voyage, Snoopy Come Home, Race for Your Life) HD/VU $15
Christmas Classics Set (Home Alone, Jingle All Way, Miracle on 34th Street '94, A Christmas Carol '84) HD/MA $18
Cinderella (2021) HD/MA $4.5
Clerks 3 4K/VU $5
Cliffhanger 4K/MA $5.5
Clifford Big Red Dog HD/VU $4
Clint Eastwood A Cinematic Legacy HD/MA $3.5
Colony 4K/VU $5
Coming to America 4K/VU $5
Cotton Club Encore 4K/VU $5.5
Craft Legacy HD/MA $4.5
Creed 3 (2023) 4K/VU $10
Criminal HD/VU $3.5
Cube (1997) HD/VU $5
Damsel HD/VU $4.5
Dangerous 4K/VU $4.5
Daniel Craig 4-Film Collection HD/VU $12
Dark Crystal 4K/MA $6
DC League of Super-Pets HD/MA $5
Death of Me HD/VU $4
Death on Nile HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Diary of a Wimpy Kid SD/IT $1.5
Die in a Gunfight 4K/VU $5
Dig 4K/VU $6
Doctor Strange in Multiverse of Madness HD/GP $3.5
Dog HD/VU $4.5
Dolittle 4K/MA $5
Don Verdean HD/VU $4.5
Downton Abbey A New Era HD/MA $4.5
Dracula (1931) HD/MA $3.5
Dream a Little Dream HD/VU $4
Duck Dynasty Wedding Special HD/VU $4
Dungeons & Dragons Honor Among Thieves HD/VU $10
Earth Girls are Easy HD/VU $4
Eddie Eagle HD/MA $4
Elvis HD/MA $4.5
Empire of Light HD/MA $4.5 or HD/GP $4
Equalizer HD/MA $3
Escape Field 4K/VU $5.5
Escape from LA 4K/VU $5.5
Escape Room Tournament of Champions (Thea & Ext) HD/MA $5
Event Horizon 4K/VU $5.5
Everything Must Go HD/VU $4
Evil Dead 1 & 2 Bundle 4K/VU $8
Expired 4K/VU $5
F9 Fast Saga (Thea & Ext) 4K/MA $5.5
Fabelmans HD/MA $6.5
Fair Game (Director's Cut) HD/VU $4
Fantastic Beasts Secrets of Dumbledore HD/MA $4.5
Farewell HD/VU $4
Fatherhood HD/MA $4
Favourite HD/MA $4.5
Fear of Rain 4K/VU $5.5
Field of Dreams HD/MA $4
Finding You 4K/VU $5
Flashback (2020) HD/VU $4
Forbidden Kingdom HD/VU $4.5
Ford v Ferrari HD/MA $4
Forrest Gump HD/VU $3.5
Fortress Sniper's Eye HD/VU $4
Freaky HD/MA $4.5
Friends With Kids HD/VU $4
From Here to Eternity 4K/MA $5.5
Ghost in Shell (1995) 4K/VU $5
Ghost In Shell 2.0 HD/VU $4.5
Giant 4K/MA $5.5
Gift HD/IT $3.5
Glass HD/MA $4
Godfather HD/VU $4
Good House 4K/VU $6
Great Wall HD/MA $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Green Inferno HD/IT $3.5
Green Lantern Beware My Power HD/MA $4
Greenland 4K/IT $5
Grumpy Old Men HD/MA $4
Guns Akimbo HD/VU $4.5
Habit 4K/VU $5.5
Halloween Curse of Michael Myers HD/VU $4
Halloween Ends HD/MA $5.5
Halloween Kills (Ext) 4K/MA $5.5
Happy Death Day 2U HD/MA $4.5
Happy Death Day HD/MA $4.5
Hard Luck Love Song 4K/VU $5.5
Heat (Director's Cut) (1995) HD/MA $4
Hellbenders HD/VU $4.5
Hellboy Animated Double Feature (Sword of Storms, Blood & Iron) 4K/VU $7.5
Hellraiser Judgment HD/VU $4
Highlander 4K/VU $5.5
Holmes & Watson HD/MA $3.5
Honk for Jesus. Save Your Soul. HD/MA $4.5
House Next Door Meet Blacks 2 4K/VU $5.5
House of 1000 Corpses HD/VU $4
House with a Clock in Its Walls HD/MA $4
Humans HD/VU $4.5
Hunt for Red October 4K/VU $5.5
I Love You Phillip Morris HD/VU $4.5
Ides of March HD/MA $3.5
In Blood HD/MA $4
In Secret (2014) HD/VU $4.5
Incredible Hulk HD/MA $4
Independence Day (1996) 4K/MA $5.5
Indiana Jones & Raiders of Lost Ark HD/VU $4
Infinite HD/VU $4.5
Inglourious Basterds SD/IT $1.5
Inhabitant HD/VU $4.5
Interview HD/MA $3.5
Iron Man & Hulk Heroes United HD/GP $3.5
Isle of Dogs HD/MA $4
It Happened One Night 4K/MA $5.5
Italian Job 4K/VU $6.5
Jackass Forever HD/VU $4.5
Jobs HD/IT $3.5
Jobs HD/MA $3.5
Joe Kidd HD/MA or IT $4
Jordan Peele 3-Film Collection (Nope, Us, Get Out) HD/MA $11
Journey to West Conquering Demons HD/VU $3.5
Juliet, Naked 4K/VU $5.5
Ju-On Grudge HD/VU $4.5
Jurassic World 6-Film Collection (Dominion Thea & Ext) HD/MA $18
Jurassic World Dominion (Thea & Ext) HD/MA $5
Kama Sutra HD/VU $4.5
Kill Zone (2005) HD/VU $4.5
King Richard 4K/MA $5.5
King's Man 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/GP $3.5
Knight & Day HD/MA $4
Knock at Cabin (2023) HD/MA $7.5
Knock Knock HD/VU $3
Knowing 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Knowing/Push Double Feature HD/VU $7.5
Labyrinth HD/MA $4.5
Lair of White Worm HD/VU $4.5
Lara Croft Tomb Raider HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Last Duel HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Last Flag Flying HD/MA $4
Last Picture Show 4K/MA $5.5
Legend of Guardians Owls of Ga'hoole SD/IT $1.5
Let Them All Talk 4K/MA $5.5
Lightyear HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Limey (1999) 4K/VU $5.5
Locked Down 4K/MA $5.5
Lost City HD/VU $4.5
Lyle Lyle Crocodile HD/MA $5
M3GAN (Thea & Unrated) (2023) HD/MA $7
Mack & Rita HD/VU $4.5
Mad Max 1-4 Set 4K/VU $18.5
Mad Men Complete Series HD/VU $35
Magic Mike's Last Dance (2023) HD/MA $6.5
Magnificent Seven 4-Film Set (1960, Return, Guns, Ride) HD/VU $13
Mamma Mia SD/IT $1.5
Man of Tai Chi HD/VU $4
Man Who Fell To Earth (1976) 4K/VU $6
Manchester by Sea HD/VU $3.5
Marksman HD/MA $4
Marlowe (2023) HD/MA $7.5
Mask of Zorro 4K/MA $6
Mask of Zorro 4K/MA $6
Mauritanian 4K/IT $5
Meatballs HD/VU $4
Memory HD/MA $4
Men HD/VU $4.5
Men in Black 3 HD/MA $3
Men in Black HD/MA $4
Menu HD/MA $4.5 or HD/GP $4
MIB International HD/MA $3.5
Mickey & Minnie 10 Classic Shorts HD/MA $5.5 or HD/GP $5
Mid-Century 4K/VU $5
Midsommar HD/VU $4
Miracle on 34th Street (1947) HD/MA $4
Missing (2023) SD/MA $4
Mitchells vs Machines HD/MA $4.5
Mommy HD/VU $4
Moonfall 4K/VU $4.5
Morbius HD/MA $4
Moving On HD/VU $5.5
Mrs Harris Goes to Paris 4K/MA $6
My Brilliant Friend Season 1 HD/VU $4
Nashville (1975) HD/VU $4
Needle in a Timestack 4K/VU $5.5
Night at Museum Battle of Smithsonian SD/IT $1.5
Night House HD/GP $4
No Country for Old Men HD/VU $4
No Sudden Move 4K/MA $6
Nope HD/MA $5.5
Northman HD/MA $4
Oliver! 4K/MA $5
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood HD/MA $3.5
Paradise Highway 4K/VU $5.5
Paranormal Activity 1-8 Collection HD/VU $22
Paranormal Activity Ghost Dimension (Unrated) HD/VU $4.5
Parasite HD/MA $4
Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 HD/MA $3.5
Paw Patrol Movie HD/VU $4.5
Percy Jackson Sea of Monsters HD/MA $3
Perfectos Desconocidos HD/VU $4
Phantom Thread HD/MA $4
Piano (1993) HD/VU $4.5
Plane (2023) 4K/VU $6.5
Pretty in Pink HD/VU $3.5
Prey for Devil 4K/VU $6
Prince of Egypt HD/MA $4.5
Proud Mary HD/MA $3.5
Pulp Fiction 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Push 4K/VU $6
Raid Redemption (Thea & Unrated) HD/MA $4.5
Ran (1985) 4K/VU $5.5
Ratatouille 4K/MA $6 or HD/GP $4
Red Heat (1988) 4K/VU $5
Redline (2010) HD/VU $4.5
Reign of Assassins HD/VU $4.5
Repo Genetic Opera HD/VU $4.5
Rescuers Down Under HD/MA $5 or HD/GP $4.5
Rescuers HD/MA $5 or HD/GP $4.5
Reservoir Dogs 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Resident Evil 6 Film Set 4K/MA $26
Retaliation (2017) HD/VU $4
Right One 4K/VU $5.5
Rocky Knockout Collection 1-4 (Rocky IV w/ Thea & Rocky vs Drago Ultimate Cut) 4K/VU $20
Rules of Attraction HD/VU $4
Rumble HD/VU $5
Running Man 4K/VU $5.5
Safe Haven SD/IT $1.5
Saint Maud HD/VU $4.5
Sausage Party HD/MA $3.5
Scott Pilgrim vs World HD/MA $4 or 4K/IT $4.5
Scream 4 HD/VU $4
Scream HD/VU $4.5
Secret Garden (2020) 4K/IT $5
Secret in Their Eyes HD/VU or IT $3
Sense & Sensibility 4K/MA $5
Seven Psycopaths HD/MA $4
Shawshank Redemption 4K/MA $5.5
Shazam! Fury of Gods (2023) HD/MA $9
She Said HD/MA $6.5
Shooter 4K/VU $5
Silent Night, Deadly Night 3-Film Set (3-5) HD/VU $8
Silent Twins 4K/MA $6
Silk Road 4K/VU $5
Sing 2 HD/MA $4
Sing Street HD/VU $4
Skeleton Twins HD/VU $4.5
Smile HD/VU $5.5
Smokin' Aces 4K/MA $5.5
Snake Eyes G.I. Joe Origins 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Son of God HD/MA $3
Sonic Hedgehog 2 HD/VU $4.5
Source Code 4K/VU $5.5
Spartacus HD/MA $3.5
Spider-Man No Way Home HD/MA $4
Spinning Man HD/VU $4
Spirit HD/VU $4
Spontaneous HD/VU $4.5
Starship Troopers 4K/MA $6
Strange World HD/GP $4
Stripes 4K/MA $5
Taken 2 HD/MA $3.5
Tangled HD/MA $4
Tar HD/MA $6
Teen Spirit (2019) HD/MA $4
Teen Titans Go! & DC Super Hero Girls Mayhem Multiverse HD/MA $6
Teeth HD/VU $4.5
Ten Commandments (1923) HD/VU $4
Ten Commandments (1956) HD/VU $4
Tetro HD/VU $4
The Batman HD/MA $4
Thing (1982) 4K/MA $5.5
This Means War SD/IT $1.5
Thor Love & Thunder 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/GP $3.5
Till 4K/IT $7
Time Freak HD/VU $4
To Sir With Love 4K/MA $5.5
Tomb Raider Cradle of Life 4K/VU or IT $5.5
Top Gun Maverick 4K/VU $6 or HD/VU $4.5
Touched With Fire HD/VU $4.5
Town SD/IT $1.5
Transformers Dark of Moon 4K/VU $4.5
Transformers Revenge of Fallen 4K/VU $5
True Grit SD/IT $1.5
Tucker Man & His Dream 4K/VU $5
Turning Red HD/GP $3
Twilight 1-3 (Ext Editions) HD/VU $10
Umma HD/MA $4.5
Uncharted HD/MA $4
Uncut Gems HD/VU $4
Underwater HD/MA $4.5
Underworld 5-Film Set HD/MA $17
Venom Let There Be Carnage HD/MA $4
Virtuoso 4K/VU $5
Vivo HD/MA $4.5
Voyagars 4K/VU $5
W. HD/VU $4
War of Worlds 4K/VU $5.5
War on Everyone HD/VU $4
Warhunt 4K/VU $4.5
Waterworld HD/MA $4
Weekend HD/VU $4
What We Did on our Holiday HD/VU $4
Where Crawdads Sing HD/MA $4.5
Whiplash HD/MA $4
White Christmas HD/VU $4
Whitney Houston I Wanna Dance with Sombody HD/MA $5.5 or SD/MA $3
Wicker Man (1973) HD/VU $4.5
Wind River HD/VU $4
Winnie Pooh Springtime with Roo HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Wolf Man (1941) HD/MA $3.5
Woman King HD/MA $5.5
Women Talking 4K/IT $7
X-Men Days of Future Past Rogue Cut 4K/IT $5.5
All other movies (A-Z)
101 Dalmatians HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
12 Years a Slave HD/MA $3.5
13 Hours Soldiers of Benghazi HD/VU $2.5
1917 HD/MA $3.5
2 Fast 2 Furious 4K/IT $3.5
2 Guns HD/VU or IT $2.5
21 Jump Street HD/MA $3
22 Jump Street HD/MA $3.5
3 From Hell (Unrated) 4K/VU $4 or HD/VU $2.5
31 (2016) HD/VU $2.5
310 to Yuma 4K/VU $5
47 Meters Down HD/IT $3.5
47 Meters Down Uncaged HD/VU $3.5
47 Ronin HD/MA $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
50/50 HD/VU $4
71 HD/VU $4
A Clockwork Orange 4K/MA $5
A Dog's Purpose HD/IT $3
A Good Day to Die Hard (Ext) HD/VU $2.5
A Most Wanted Man HD/VU $3.5
A Quiet Place HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
A Quiet Place Part 2 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
A Wrinkle in Time HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Abominable 4K/MA $5.5
About Time HD/VU or IT $3.5
Action Point HD/IT $2
Adore HD/IT $3.5
Adventures Of TinTin HD/IT $2.5
After Earth HD/MA $3
Age of Adaline HD/VU or IT $3
Aladdin (2019) 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Alex Cross HD/VU or IT $2
Alfred Hitchcock 5-Film Set (Saboteur, Shadow of Doubt, Trouble with Harry, Marnie, Family Plot) 4K/MA $24
Alice Through Looking Glass HD/GP $3
Alien 6-Film Collection HD/MA $18
Alien Covenant HD/MA $2.5
Alien Resurrection HD/MA $4
Alita Battle Angel 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
All Eyez on Me HD/IT $3
All Money in World HD/MA $3.5
Allied HD/VU $3.5
Aloha HD/MA $3.5 or SD/MA $1
Alvin & Chipmunks Road Chip HD/MA $2.5
Amazing Spider-Man 2 HD/MA $4
Amazing Spider-Man HD/MA $3.5 or SD/MA $1.5
American Assassin 4K/VU $4.5 or HD/VU $3
American Frontier Trilogy (Sicario, Wind River, Hell or High Water) HD/VU $7.5
American Made 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
American Night HD/VU $4
American Reunion HD/VU or IT $3
American Ultra HD/IT $4
Anchorman 2 Legend Continues HD/VU or IT $2.5
Angel Heart 4K/VU $5.5
Angel of Mine 4K/VU $5.5
Anna 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Anna Karenina HD/IT $3.5
Annie (2014) HD/MA $3.5 or SD/MA $1.5
Annihilation HD/VU $3
Antebellum 4K/VU $5
Ant-Man & Wasp HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Ant-Man HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Apollo 13 4K/MA or IT $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Arctic HD/MA $4
Army of One HD/VU $3
Arnold Schwarzenegger 6-Film Collection (Last Stand, Total Recall, T-2, Red Heat, Maggie, Hercules in NY) HD/VU $14
Arrival HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Ash vs Evil Dead Season 3 HD/VU $5
Assassination Nation HD/MA $3.5
Assassin's Creed HD/MA $3
Atomic Blonde 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/MA $3
August Osage County HD/VU $3
Avengers Age of Ultron HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Avengers Endgame HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Avengers HD/GP $3
Avengers Infinity War HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Back to Future 3 HD/MA $3.5
Back to Future Trilogy 4K/MA $14 or HD/MA $9.5
Bad Boys for Life HD/MA $4
Bad Grandpa HD/VU or IT $2.5
Bad Words HD/IT $3
Bambi 2 HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Bambi HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Bangkok Dangerous HD/VU $4
Bank Job HD/VU $3.5
Barbie & Her Sisters in Great Puppy Adventure HD/VU or IT $3.5
Barbie in Princess Power HD/IT $3.5
Barbie Star Light Adventure HD/IT $3.5
Battle of Year HD/MA $3.5
Battleship HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Baywatch HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Beatriz at Dinner HD/VU $4.5
Beauty & Beast (1991) HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Beauty & Beast (2017) HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Before I Fall HD/VU or IT $3.5
Begin Again HD/VU $3.5
Beirut HD/MA $3.5
Ben-Hur (2016) HD/VU or IT $3.5
BFG HD/MA $3.5
Big Eyes HD/VU $3.5
Big Hero 6 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Big Lebowski 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/MA $4
Big Little Lies Season 1 HD/GP $2.5
Big Short HD/VU or IT $3.5
Birth of a Nation HD/MA $3.5
Black Panther 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/GP $2.5
Black Widow HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Blackhat HD/IT $3.5
Blair Witch (2016) HD/IT $2.5
Blair Witch Project (1999) HD/VU $4
Blockers HD/MA $3.5
Bloodshot HD/MA $4
Boardwalk Empire Season 1 HD/VU or IT $4
Bombshell 4K/VU $5
Book Club 4K/IT $3
Book Club HD/VU $2.5
Book of Life HD/MA $3.5
Born a Champion 4K/VU $5
Boss Baby 2-Film Set HD/MA $6
Boss Baby HD/MA $2.5
Bourne Identity HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Bourne Legacy HD/VU $2
Bourne Supremacy HD/VU $3.5
Bourne Ultimatum 4K/MA or IT $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Boy 2 HD/IT $3.5
Boy Erased HD/MA $4
Boy HD/IT $3.5
Boyhood HD/VU or IT $2.5
Braveheart HD/VU $3.5
Braven HD/VU $4
Breakfast Club HD/IT $4
Breakthrough HD/MA $3
Burnt HD/VU $3.5
Butler HD/VU $3
Bye Bye Man (Unrated) HD/IT $2.5
Cabin in Woods 4K/VU or IT $4.5 or HD/VU $2.5
Call of Wild 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/GP $2.5
Campaign HD/MA $2.5
Captain America Civil War HD/GP $2.5
Captain America First Avenger HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5 or SD/IT $1.5
Captain America Winter Soldier HD/GP $3.5
Captain Marvel HD/GP $2
Captain Phillips HD/MA $3.5 or SD/MA $1.5
Carol HD/VU $4
Cars 3 HD/GP $2.5
Case for Christ HD/IT $2.5
Chaos Walking 4K/VU $5
Chicago (Diamond Edition) HD/VU $4
Children (2008) HD/VU $4
Christopher Robin HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Cloverfield 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Coco HD/GP $2.5
Cold Pursuit 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Collection HD/VU $3.5
Columbiana (Unrated) HD/MA $4
Come & Find Me HD/VU $4
Commuter 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Company of Heroes HD/MA $4
Contraband HD/IT $3
Cooties HD/VU $4
Cornetto Trilogy (Shaun of Dead, Hot Fuzz, World's End) 4K/MA $15
Counselor HD/MA $4
Courier 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Crank 4K/VU $5.5
Crawl HD/VU $3
Crimson Peak HD/IT $3.5
Croods HD/VU $3.5
Cruella HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
D Train 4K/IT $4
Daddy's Home 2 HD/IT $3
Daddy's Home HD/VU $3
Dark Tower HD/MA $3.5
Darkest Hour (2017) 4K/MA $5.5
Darkest Minds HD/MA $4
Darkness HD/IT $3
Dawn of Planet of Apes HD/MA $3.5
Daybreakers 4K/VU $5.5
Deadpool 2 (w/Super Duper Cut) HD/MA $4
Deadpool HD/MA $2.5
Dear White People HD/VU $3.5
Deepwater Horizon 4K/IT $3
Dementia 13 (Director's Cut) HD/VU $4
Despicable Me 2 HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Despicable Me 3 4K/MA or IT $5
Despicable Me 4K/IT $5 or SD/IT $1.5
Detroit HD/MA $3.5
Devil's Due HD/MA $3.5
Dilemma HD/VU $3.5 or SD/IT $1.5
Dirty Dancing 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Disney Animated Short Films Collection HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Divergent Allegiant HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Divergent HD/VU $1.5 or 4K/IT $2 or SD/VU $0.5
Divergent Insurgent HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Django Unchained HD/VU $3 or SD/IT $1.5
Do Right Thing 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/MA $4
Doctor Strange HD/GP $2.5
Dom Hemingway HD/MA $3.5
Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far on Foot HD/VU $4
Doom (Unrated) 4K/MA $5.5
Doorman HD/VU $3.5
Doors 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Dora & Lost City of Gold HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Downton Abbey Movie HD/MA $3.5
Dracula Untold HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Draft Day HD/VU $3.5
Dragged Across Concrete HD/VU $3.5
Dreamkatcher HD/VU $4
Dredd 4K/VU or IT $4 or HD/VU $2.5
Duel (2016) HD/VU $3.5
Dumbo (2019) HD/GP $3
Dune 4K/MA $5.5
Dying of Light HD/VU $2.5
E.T. Extra Terrestrial 4K/VU or IT $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Edge of Seventeen HD/VU or IT $3
Edge of Tomorrow 4K/MA $5
Edward Scissorhands HD/MA $3.5
El Chicano HD/MA $4
Emoji Movie HD/MA $3
Encanto 4K/MA $4 or 4K/GP $3.5
Ender's Game HD/VU $2.5
Enemy at Gates HD/VU $4
Enough Said HD/MA $3.5
Epic HD/MA $3
Escape Plan HD/VU $2
Eternals HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Everest 4K/MA or IT $4.5
Ex Machina HD/VU $3
Exodus Gods & Kings HD/MA $3.5
Expendables 2 HD/VU or IT $1
Expendables 3 (Thea) HD/VU $2 or 4K/IT $2.5
Extreme Prejudice (1987) HD/VU $4
Fast & Furious (2009) HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Fast & Furious 6 (Ext) HD/VU $2 or 4K/IT $2.5
Fast & Furious 6-film Collection HD/VU $12.5
Fast & Furious 7-film Collection HD/VU $14
Fast & Furious 8-film Collection (9 Films) HD/MA $17.5
Fast & Furious 9-film Collection (11 Films) HD/MA $20
Fast & Furious HD/VU $3.5
Fast Color 4K/VU $5.5
Fast Five (Ext) HD/IT $2.5 or SD/IT $1
Fatale (2020) 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Fate of Furious (Ext) HD/VU $2
Fate of Furious (Thea) HD/VU or IT $1.5
Fault in Our Stars HD/MA $3.5
Fences HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Ferdinand HD/MA $3.5
Fifty Shades Darker (Unrated) HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Fifty Shades Freed HD/MA $4
Fifty Shades of Grey (Unrated) HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Fighting with my Family HD/IT $4
Finding Dory HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Finding Nemo HD/GP $3.5
Finest Hours HD/GP $3
First Blood 4K/VU $5
First Man HD/MA $4
Flight HD/VU or IT $3
Florence Foster Jenkins HD/VU or IT $3
Footloose (2011) HD/IT $3
Forever My Girl HD/IT $3
Fortress HD/VU $4
Four Kids & It HD/VU $3.5
Fox & Hound 2 HD/MA $4
Frank & Lola HD/VU or IT $3
Frankenstein (1931) HD/VU $3.5
Free Guy HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
French Dispatch HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Friday 13th Pt 3 HD/VU $3.5
Frozen (Sing-Along Edition) HD/MA $2 or HD/GP $1.5
Frozen 2 4K/MA $4 or HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Frozen Ground (2013) HD/VU $3.5
Frozen HD/GP $2
Furious 7 (Ext) HD/VU $2 or 4K/IT $2.5
Fury HD/MA $3.5
G.I. Joe Retaliation HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Gambit (2012) HD/MA $4
Gambler HD/VU or IT $3
Gemini Man 4K/VU or IT $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Gentlemen 4K/IT $4.5
Get Out HD/MA $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Ghost in Shell (2017) 4K/VU or IT $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Ghost Team One HD/VU or IT $3.5
Ghostbusters (1984) HD/MA $3.5
Ghostbusters 2 HD/MA $3.5
Ghostbusters Afterlife HD/MA $4
Girl on Train HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Girl With All Gifts HD/VU $4
Girls Trip HD/VU or IT $2
Glass Castle 4K/VU $5.5
God's Not Dead 2 HD/MA or IT $2.5
God's Not Dead A Light in Darkness HD/MA $3
Gods of Egypt HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Gold (2016) HD/VU or IT $2.5
Gone Girl HD/MA $4
Good Dinosaur HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Good Kill HD/VU or IT $3.5
Grace Unplugged HD/VU $2
Gran Torino SD/IT $1.5
Greatest Showman HD/MA $3.5
Green Mile 4K/MA $5.5
Grey HD/VU or IT $3
Guardians of Galaxy Vol 1 HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Guardians of Galaxy Vol 2 HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Guest House (2020) 4K/VU $5
Guilt Trip HD/IT $3
Gunman HD/MA $3
Hacksaw Ridge HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Hail, Caesar! HD/IT $3
Halloween (2018) HD/MA $3
Hammer of Gods HD/VU $2
Hands of Stone HD/VU $3.5
Hannibal Season 1 HD/VU $5
Hard Target 2 HD/IT $1.5
Hardcore Henry HD/VU or IT $3.5
Hate U Give HD/MA $4
Hateful Eight HD/VU $3.5
Heat HD/MA $3
Heaven is for Real SD/MA $1.5
Hell Fest 4K/VU $5
Hell or High Water HD/VU $2.5
Hellboy (2019) 4K/VU $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Hercules (1997) HD/MA $4.5 or HD/GP $4
Hercules (2014) HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Here Comes Boom HD/MA $3.5
Hidden Figures HD/MA $3
Hillsong Let Hope Rise HD/IT $2
Hitman (Uncut) & Hitman 47 Bundle HD/MA $7
Hitman's Bodyguard HD/VU $3.5
Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Hocus Pocus HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Home Again HD/MA $3
Home Alone 2 HD/MA $3.5
Home Alone HD/MA $3.5
Homesman HD/VU $3
Honey 2 HD/VU $3
Hop HD/MA or IT $3
Hope Springs HD/MA $2.5 or SD/MA $1
Hostiles HD/VU $3
Hot Fuzz HD/VU $4
Hotel Mumbai HD/MA $4
Hotel Transylvania HD/MA $3.5
Hours (2013) HD/VU $4
How Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) 4K/IT $4
How to Train Your Dragon 2 HD/MA $2.5
How to Train Your Dragon HD/VU $3.5
How to Train Your Dragon Trilogy HD/MA $9
Hugo HD/VU or IT $3
Hunger Games 4-Film Collection HD/VU $8
Hunger Games Catching Fire HD/VU $1.5 or 4K/IT $2 or SD/VU $0.5
Hunger Games HD/VU $1.5 or 4K/IT $2 or SD/VU $0.5
Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 1 HD/VU $2.5 or SD/VU $1
Hunter Killer 4K/VU $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Huntsman Winter's War (Ext) HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
I Can Only Imagine HD/VU $4
I Feel Pretty HD/IT $2
I Frankenstein HD/VU or IT $2.5
Ice Age Collision Course HD/MA $3
Incredibles 2 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Incredibles HD/GP $3.5
Independence Day Resurgence HD/MA $2.5
Indiana Jones & Temple of Doom 4K/VU $5.5
Indignation HD/VU $4
Initiation 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Inside Out HD/GP $2
Instant Family 4K/IT $3.5
Internship SD/IT $1.5
Interstellar HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Into Woods HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Invisible Man (1933) HD/MA $3.5
Invisible Man (2020) 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/MA $4
Iron Man HD/GP $3.5 or HD/GP $2
Iron Mask (2019) HD/VU $4.5
It Follows HD/VU $3.5
It's a Wonderful Life 4K/VU or IT $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Jack & Jill HD/MA $3.5
Jack Reacher HD/VU $3
Jack Reacher Never Go Back HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Jack Ryan Shadow Recruit HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Jacob's Ladder HD/VU $4
Jarhead 3 Siege (Unrated) HD/IT $2.5
Jason Bourne HD/VU $2.5
Jason Statham 4-Film (War, Crank 1 & 2, Transporter 3) HD/VU $10
Jason Statham 6-Film (War, Crank 1 & 2, Bank Job, Wild Card, Transporter 3) HD/VU $14
Jaws 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Jeff Who Lives at Home HD/VU $4
Jersey Boys HD/MA $2.5
Jesus Music HD/VU $3.5
Jigsaw 4K/VU $4.5
Joe HD/VU $3.5
John Wick 1 & 2 Bundle HD/VU $4
John Wick 3 Parabellum 4K/VU $4.5
John Wick Chapter 2 HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
John Wick HD/VU $2 or 4K/IT $2.5
John Wick Trilogy (Parabellum 4K) HD/VU $9
Jonah Hex HD/MA $4.5
Joy HD/MA $3
Judy 4K/VU $5
Judy Moody SD/IT $1.5
Jungle Book (2016) 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/GP $2.5
Jungle Cruise HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Jurassic Park 3 HD/VU $3.5
Jurassic Park 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Jurassic World 5-Film Collection HD/MA $14
Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/MA $3
Jurassic World HD/VU $2.5
Justice (2017) HD/VU or IT $3
Justin Bieber Never Say Never SD/IT $1.5
Kevin Hart Let Me Explain HD/VU or IT $3
Kick-Ass 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4 or SD/IT $1.5
Kid Who Would Be King 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/MA $4
Kidnap HD/VU or IT $2.5
Killer Elite HD/IT $3
Killerman HD/VU $4
Kin (2018) 4K/VU $4.5 or HD/VU $3
King Kong (2005) 4K/MA or IT $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Kingsman Golden Circle 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/MA $3
Kingsman Secret Service 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Knick Season 1 HD/IT $3.5
Knick Season 2 HD/IT $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Kung Fu Panda 3 HD/MA $3
La La Land 4K/IT $3.5
Labor Day HD/VU or IT $3
Lady & Tramp HD/MA $4.5 or HD/GP $4
Lady Macbeth HD/VU $4.5
Last Christmas HD/MA $4
Last Exorcism HD/VU $4
Last Knights HD/VU $3.5 or SD/VU $1.5
Last Man (2019) HD/VU $4
Last Stand HD/IT $2
Last Vegas HD/MA $3.5
Last Witch Hunter HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Leatherface HD/VU $4
Legend of Hercules 4K/IT $3
Leprechaun 7-Film Collection HD/VU $12
Les Miserables (2012) HD/VU or IT $2
Let Me Explain HD/IT $2.5
Let's be Cops HD/MA $3.5
Life (2017) HD/MA $3.5
Life of Crime HD/VU $3.5
Life of Pi 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA or IT $3.5
Light of My Life HD/IT $3.5
Like a Boss HD/VU $3.5
Lilo & Stitch 2 Stitch Has a Glitch HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Lilo & Stitch HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Lincoln Lawyer 4K/VU $6.5 or HD/VU $4
Lion King (1994) HD/GP $3
Lion King (2019) 4K/MA $4 or HD/GP $2
Logan HD/MA $3
Logan Lucky 4K/MA or IT $4.5
Lone Ranger HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Lone Survivor HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Long Shot HD/VU $3.5
Longest Ride HD/MA $3
Longest Week HD/VU $3.5
Looper HD/MA $3.5
Lorax (1972) HD/MA $5
Lorax HD/VU $3
Lords of Salem HD/VU $4
Lost World Jurassic Park HD/MA $3
Love & Monsters HD/VU $4
Love Coopers HD/VU or IT $4
Love, Simon HD/MA $3.5
Loving HD/VU or IT $3.5
Luca HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Lucy HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Mad Max 2 Road Warrior 4K/VU $5.5
Madagascar 3 Europe's Most Wanted HD/VU or IT $3
Madea's Witness Protection SD/IT $1.5
Magnificent Seven (2016) HD/VU $3
Maleficent 4K/MA $4 or HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Maleficent Mistress of Evil HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Mama HD/IT $3
Man Who Shot Liberty Vance 4K/VU $5.5
Mandela Long Walk to Freedom HD/VU $4
Martian HD/MA $3.5
Mary Poppins (1964) HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Mary Poppins Returns HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Matrix Resurrections 4K/MA $5.5
Max Steel HD/IT $3
Maze Runner Death Cure HD/MA $3.5
Maze Runner HD/MA $3.5
McKenna Shoots for Stars HD/IT $2
Mechanic Resurrection HD/VU $2.5
Megan Leavey HD/IT $3
Midnight Sun HD/MA $3.5
Midway 4K/VU $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Mile 22 HD/IT $3
Million Dollar Arm HD/GP $2.5
MindGamers HD/MA or IT $3.5
Minions 4K/MA or IT $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Misconduct HD/VU $2.5
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children HD/MA $3
Missing Link HD/MA $4
Mission Impossible 3 4K/VU $4.5
Mission Impossible 4 Ghost Protocol HD/VU $2
Mission Impossible 5 Rogue Nation HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Mission Impossible 6 Fallout 4K/VU or IT $4.5
Mission Impossible 6-film Set 4K/VU $23 or HD/VU $17
Moana HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Moneyball HD/MA $3
Monkey Kingdom HD/MA $3
Monster High Electrified HD/VU or IT $2.5
Monsters University HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Monuments Men HD/MA $3.5
Mortal Engines 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/MA $4
Mortal HD/VU $4
Mortal Instruments City of Bones HD/MA $3 or SD/MA $1.5
Mother! HD/VU $2.5
Mother's Day HD/IT $2.5
Much Ado About Nothing (2013) HD/VU $4
Mud HD/VU $2.5
Mulan (2020) 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Mummy (1999) HD/VU $4
Mummy (2017) 4K/MA or IT $4.5
Muppets Most Wanted HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Murder on Orient Express HD/MA $3.5
My All American HD/MA or IT $3.5
My Fair Lady 4K/VU $5.5
Nebraska HD/VU $3
Nerve HD/IT $3.5
New Mutants HD/GP $3
News of World 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/MA $4
Night at Museum Secret of Tomb HD/MA $3
Nightmare Alley 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/GP $3.5
Nightmare Before Christmas HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
No Escape (2015) HD/VU $3
No Strings Attached HD/VU or IT $3.5
No Time to Die 4K/IT $4.5
Noah HD/VU or IT $2.5
Nobody's Fool HD/IT $2.5
Non-Stop HD/VU or IT $3
Norm of North HD/VU $2.5
Nostalgia (2018) HD/MA $3.5
Now You See Me 2 HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Now You See Me HD/VU or IT $2.5 or SD/VU $1
Nutcracker & Four Realms HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Oblivion 4K/MA or IT $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Occupation (2018) HD/VU $3.5
Occupation Rainfall HD/VU $4
Office Christmas Party HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Olaf's Frozen Adventure HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Ong Bak 2 HD/VU $3
Onward 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/GP $2.5
Other Woman HD/MA $3
Ouija HD/IT $3.5
Ouija Origin of Evil HD/VU or IT $3.5
Outlander Season 1 Vol 1 HD/VU $5.5
Overdrive HD/IT $2.5
Overlord 4K/IT $3.5
Oz Great & Powerful HD/GP $2.5
Paddington HD/VU $3.5
Pain & Gain HD/VU or IT $3.5
Paranormal Activity 3 (Ext) HD/VU or IT $3
Paranormal Activity 4 (Unrated) HD/VU or IT $2.5
Paranormal Activity HD/VU $4
Paranormal Activity Marked Ones HD/VU or IT $3.5
Passengers HD/MA $3
Patriot Games 4K/VU $5
Patriot's Day HD/VU $3
Peanuts Movie HD/MA $3
Penguins of Madagascar HD/MA $3.5
Pet Sematary (2019) 4K/IT $3.5
Peter Pan (1953) HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Peter Rabbit HD/MA $3.5
Pete's Dragon (2016) HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Philomena HD/VU $2.5
Pinocchio (1940) HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Pirates of Caribbean Dead Men Tell No Tales 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/GP $2.5
Pitch Black (Unrated) HD/MA or IT $4
Pitch Perfect 2 4K/MA $4 or HD/VU $2.5
Pitch Perfect HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Pixar Short Films Collection Vol. 3 HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Planes Fire & Rescue HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Planes HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Playing with Fire HD/IT $2.5
Pocahontas 2 Journey to a New World HD/GP $3.5
Pocahontas HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Point Break (2015) 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Poison Rose 4K/VU $4.5
Pompeii HD/MA $3.5
Possession HD/VU or IT $2.5
Power Rangers (2017) 4K/VU or IT $4.5
Precious HD/VU $4.5
Predator (2018) HD/MA $3
Predator 4-Film Collection HD/MA $11
Premium Rush HD/MA $3.5
Pride & Prejudice & Zombies HD/MA $3.5 or SD/MA $1.5
Primal HD/VU $3.5
Prodigy HD/VU $4
Project Almanac HD/IT $3.5
Protege HD/VU $4
Punisher 4K/VU $5.5
Punisher War Zone 4K/VU $5.5
Purge Anarchy HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Purge Election Year 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Purge HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Quarry 4K/VU $5
Queen & Slim HD/MA $4
Queen of Katwe HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Ralph Breaks Internet HD/GP $2
Rambo (2008) 4K/VU $5.5
Rambo 3 4K/VU $5.5
Rambo 5-Film Collection 4K/VU $23 or HD/VU $17
Rambo First Blood Pt 2 4K/VU $5.5
Rambo Last Blood 4K/VU $4.5
Rango HD/VU $3.5
Raya & Last Dragon HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Rear Window HD/MA $3.5
Reclaim HD/VU $3.5
RED 2 HD/VU $2
Red Dawn (2012) HD/VU or IT $3
Red Sparrow HD/MA $3.5
Replicant (2001) HD/VU $3.5
Replicas HD/VU $3.5
Requiem for a Dream (Director's Cut) 4K/VU $5.5
Resident Evil Retribution 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Resurrection of Gavin Stone HD/VU or IT $2.5
Revenant HD/MA $3.5
Riddick (Unrated) HD/VU or IT $3
Ride Along HD/VU or IT $2.5
Ride Like a Girl HD/VU $4
Ring HD/VU $4.5
Rings HD/VU or IT $2.5
Rio 2 HD/MA $3
Riot HD/VU or IT $3
RIPD HD/IT $2.5
Risen HD/MA $3
Robin Hood (1973) HD/MA $3.5
Robin Hood (2018) HD/VU $3
Robocop (2014) HD/VU $2.5
Rocketman (2019) 4K/IT $4
Rogue One A Star Wars Story HD/GP $2
Ron's Gone Wrong HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Rough Night 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Runner Runner HD/MA $3.5
Rush HD/VU or IT $3
Safe HD/VU or IT $2.5
Saige Paints Sky HD/IT $3
Same Kind of Different As Me HD/IT or IT $3
Samson HD/MA $3.5
Santa Clause 2 HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Santa Clause 3 HD/MA $3
Santa Clause HD/MA $3.5
Santa Clause Trilogy HD/MA $9.5 or HD/GP $8
Savages HD/IT $3
Saving Mr. Banks HD/GP $3
Saw 7-Film Collection (Unrated) HD/VU $18
Saw 8-Film Collection HD/VU $20
Saw HD/VU $3
Scarface HD/VU $4
Scary Movie 5 HD/VU $4.5
Scary Stories to Tell in Dark 4K/VU $4.5
Schindler's List 4K/MA $5.5
Scouts Guide to Zombie Apocalypse HD/IT $3
Scream (1996) HD/VU $4
Scrooged HD/IT $4
Secret Life of Pets 4K/IT $4.5
Secret Life of Walter Mitty HD/MA $3
Selma HD/VU or IT $2.5
Sex Tape HD/MA $3.5
Shack HD/IT $2.5
Shallows HD/MA $3.5
Shang-Chi Legend of Ten Rings HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Shape of Water HD/MA $3.5
Sharp Objects HD/GP $2
Shaun of Dead HD/MA $4 or 4K/IT $4.5
Shaun Sheep Movie HD/VU $3
Sherlock Gnomes HD/VU or IT $2.5
She's Having a Baby HD/VU $3.5
Shivers HD/VU $4
Show Dogs HD/MA $3.5
Siberia (2018) HD/VU $3
Siberia (2020) HD/VU $4
Sicario HD/VU $2.5
Side Effects HD/IT $3.5
Sing (2016) 4K/IT $4
Singing in Rain 4K/MA $5.5
Sinister HD/IT $2.5
Sisters (Unrated) HD/IT $2.5
Sixteen Candles HD/MA $4
Skyfall HD/VU $2.5
Skyscraper HD/MA $3.5
Sleeping Beauty (1959) HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Sleepless HD/IT $2
Smokey & Bandit HD/MA $3.5
Smurfs Lost Village HD/MA $3.5
Snatched HD/MA $2
Snitch HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3 or SD/VU or IT $1
Snow White & Huntsman (Ext Edition) 4K/VU or IT $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Snow White & Seven Dwarfs (1937) HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Solo A Star Wars Story HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Some Kind of Wonderful HD/VU $3.5
Songbird 4K/IT $4.5
Sonic Hedgehog 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Soul HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Southpaw HD/VU $3
Southside With You HD/VU $4.5
Spider-Man 4-Cut Set (Spider-Man 2 w/ Thea & Ext) HD/MA $11.5
Spider-Man Far From Home HD/MA $3.5
Spider-Man Homecoming HD/MA $3
Spider-Man Homecoming/Far From Home Bundle HD/MA $6
Spies in Disguise 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Spiral 4K/VU or IT $4.5
Split 4K/MA or IT $5
Split HD/MA $3.5
Spongebob Sponge out of Water HD/IT $2.5
Spy Who Dumped Me 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
St. Vincent HD/VU $3
Stand Up Guys HD/VU $3.5
Star Trek (2009) HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Star Trek 1-4 (Motion Picture, Wrath of Khan, Search for Spock, Voyage Home) 4K/VU $18
Star Trek Beyond HD/VU $3
Star Trek Into Darkness HD/VU $2.5
Star Wars Force Awakens HD/GP $1.5
Star Wars Last Jedi 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Star Wars Rise of Skywalker 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Step Up Revolution HD/IT $3
Sting 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Straight Outta Compton (Thea & Unrated) 4K/MA $4.5
Straight Outta Compton (Unrated) HD/MA $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Strangers Prey at Night HD/MA $3
Suburbicon HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Sudden Death HD/IT $4
Suits Season 2 HD/IT $3.5
Sum of All Fears 4K/VU $5.5
Sundown Vampire in Retreat HD/VU $3.5
Super 8 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Super Buddies HD/GP $2
Sword in Stone HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Taxi Driver HD/MA $4
Ted (Unrated) HD/IT $3
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) HD/VU $2.5
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Out of Shadows HD/VU $3.5
Terminator 2 Judgment Day (Ext) HD/VU $4.5
Terminator 2 Judgment Day HD/VU $3.5
Terminator Dark Fate 4K/VU or IT $4 or HD/VU $2.5
Terminator Genisys HD/VU $2.5
Thanks for Sharing HD/VU $4
This is 40 HD/MA $3.5
This is End HD/MA $3.5
Thor Dark World HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Thor HD/GP $3.5 or SD/IT $1.5
Thor Ragnarok HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri HD/MA $3.5
To Kill a Mockingbird 4K/IT $4
Top Gun (1986) 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Total Recall (1990) HD/VU $3.5
Toy Story 4 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Toy Story HD/GP $3.5
Toy Story of Terror HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Transformers 4K/VU $5
Transformers Age of Extinction HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Transformers Last Knight HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Tremors A Cold Day In Hell HD/MA $2.5
Triple 9 HD/IT $3.5
Trolls HD/MA $2.5
Trumbo HD/IT $3.5
Trust HD/VU $4
Turbo HD/MA or IT $3
Turning HD/MA $4
Twilight Breaking Dawn 2 HD/VU $1.5 or 4K/IT $2 or SD/VU $0.5
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2023.06.01 12:01 resurrective Chapter 19 - Gramgrim

Chapter 19 - Gramgrim
With the trials finally over, the party safely left the accursed valley. As Keyaruga and his girls did so, the white mist once again filled the mountain ridge, yet this time; it felt much less thick, potent, not so horrifying to look at.
“All things considered, I think we’ve done a pretty good job.” Freia spoke, looking back at the foggy veil. Barely anyone else would notice this, but it was damaged, breached, severely weakened. No doubt, it would take months, if not years, to completely restore the pocket dimension. Right?
“Ghh, yeah, right! I… OH FUCK!!!” Ellen snarled, once again tripping over herself. “Fucking pigeon! Fucking body! Fucking fog! Fucking birdies! Fucking! Fucking! Fucking! FUCK!!!” And just like that, she landed… in Setsuna’s arms.
“Watch where you’re going.” The she-wolf looked as phlegmatic as ever, but it was clear, that her patience was slowly coming to an end.
I’m trying, okay! I’m trying… Haa…” The apostle of Caladrius growled in painful frustration. Right now, she was at least six times as strong as she was before passing those near-impassable trials, and that left her senses in a state of complete disarray. How can you walk, when instead of just slightly moving your leg it twitches forward so hard, it almost rips your tendons? How can one do something with their hands, when their arms are frantically shaking from the sheer amount of force in their thin, underdeveloped muscles? Leveling was supposed to be a gradual process, so that a person could get used to their new physical abilities. Only heroes could instinctively jump through dozens of levels without any discomfort involved. But that’s the thing – Ellen wasn’t made one of those. “Damn, I should’ve just waited somewhere in a salty house. Maybe, I wouldn’t be cursed then.” The princess complained, sitting right besides Patty. The raptor seemed more than disinterested in her cathartic shock, and for that, the fallen warlady was more than grateful, really.
“I think we should be happy, that everyone is intact.” Eve said calmly, looking at everyone around. The shock from facing her past had already passed, but she now couldn’t help but stare at Keyaruga. Even now, he was at least one head taller, and yet…
I’m but a healer… Don’t worry. We’ll start all over…
She remembered her past, her two children, her… abusive husband, a crumbling state with nonexistent governmental structure, the sheer brutality with which Jioral razed her domain. Eve Reese saw all of that… and after her time with Keyaruga, that felt like a nightmare, which ended after waking up in this new world. Not something to fixate on, but to learn from and move on.
“Come on.” Right now, the lady in red looked at Setsuna, who extended her arm to Ellen. The latter struggled with her power, her normal ways of doing practically anything now contradicted everything she was and would be – her new body was blessed like no other person could even dream of. And yet, it was a change – a rapid, unwanted metamorphosis, forced by an outer force. Eve could really sympathize with that. Still, there was one more notion to take into account. “You’ll get used to it.” Such were the words of Setsuna, who, despite the princess’ brattiness, her emotional instability, dictated by her lack of a true purpose, still decided to sit near her. “I will teach you, how to…”
And so, a new chapter of their life started. A page of learning, overcoming… accepting. While Freia began to dig into her fancy pocket dimension, returning most of the stuff the party would much rather have ready at hand, and not in some cold void, the Hero of Healing just stood near the future queen, struggling with emotions he had forbade himself from feeling, but ended up wrapped up in them nonetheless.
“Thank you, Keyaruga.” Eve spoke softly; she felt it was the best moment to speak with him. And, as if to prove it, the lad smiled slightly with his lips. “Without you, I’d never have reunited with Caladrius.”
“Well, thank you for not killing us, Me-ua.” The man responded, checking on his saber. There was no trace of black blood on it, but the small dents, the parts he dulled when cutting bones and chopping meat were still there. He now just mindlessly walked back and forth. “You didn’t need me to succeed in the first place. We merely gave you a ride.” The hero added, grabbing a whetstone from Kelly’s saddlebag. He, like many others, needed a breather, something to occupy his hands in this time of relative calm.
“You’re much too humble, when you don’t need to be.” Eve analyzed while sitting next to the healer. Almost everyone had something to do now: Keyaruga sharpened his weapon, Freia munched an apple, and Setsuna helped Ellen to learn walking again. The potential Lady of the South, in turn, had nothing to pass the time with. “I want to repay you for what you’ve done for me, Keyaruga. So how about you tell me what you really, really want?” The dame in red asked, trying not to interrupt the man’s little indulgence. He found some form of peace in scratching his saber against a green rock, enjoyed wiping out the metallic dust, and liked the feeling of thin sharpness when he tested it with his finger. Only when the reddish blade was properly reformed to a serviceable condition, did the landless knight actually turn toward his pretty suzerain.
“Well, for starters, I’d like to pick out some pretty shoes for your little feet.” Keyaruga said somewhat dismissively. After all, those old worn down footwear that the girl owned before, had been forever destroyed by Caladrius. “Oh, and underwear. I suppose you don’t wear it now, do you?”
“Actually, I really don’t.” Eve replied, trying to keep up with the casual talk the hero had dictated with his seemingly relaxed voice. “A shame, really. But actually, I like this dress. It’s light, easy to get in and out of, it doesn’t get dirty, and it doesn’t allow me to get dirty. See?” The white-haired woman demonstrated her feet to him – even though she was walking on the ground bare-footed, there wasn’t even a single trace of mud on her pretty toes.
“How cute. Although, I’d much rather like to see you without this gloomy rag.” Keyaruga chuckled, wiping his weapon against his own trousers before returning the weapon to its dark-blue sheath. “Maybe, I’d even play with your new horns. I suppose holding you from behind would be much fancier this way.”
“Is that your wish?” Eve playfully wondered, rising on her feet along with the man. “I was being serious, Keyaruga. You were the one who helped me to understand what I am, and what I’m supposed to do and feel. So, like it or not, you’re not leaving unrewarded.” The woman said in a gentle, yet somehow shrewd manner. She grew up, not only physically – but also her tone, intonations, walking, gestures – all of that radiated enticing maturity. Still, when the red-haired lad looked at his companion, he didn’t feel arousal. He…
“Maybe… I simply want to be accepted. Just the way I am…” The man mumbled, almost whispering, in fact. Did Anna truly forgive him? Or did she just snap after witnessing, how little human life meant for her foster son? One would easily go mad after seeing something like their child surviving a decapitation. “Ah, forget it!” He ultimately shrugged it off, once again hiding inside an armor of feigned apathy.
“F-forget? But I…” That glimpse of Keyaruga’s true, softer nature didn’t escape Eve’s perception, of course. But even so, this prying attempt would be quickly shut down by…
“I just want to fuck you in this new body.” …this. The healer outright demanded another session of sex. He even grabbed his cute suzerain from around her back, pulling her closer to him.
“Oh… You just can’t stop being a pervert, can you?” The woman sulked, once again revealing that touchy, puffy child. Now, that she grew up, it looked both hilarious and cute at the same time. “Each time I start to like you, you’re pulling something like that…” Eve complained, remembering how she was about to be pushed away from the saddle, just in case Ellen was to be impaled right on the road.
“So you don’t like me now?” The man sneered, as his left arm moved lower and lower, up until it slipped underneath the dark dress she wore, and his hand grabbed the black-winged prodigy’s butt cheek “What? You think I didn’t notice why you wished to get older? That thick ass of yours!” The healed malevolently whispered, giving the kokuyoku scion an assertive kiss to her puffy lips. “So, will you have some fun with me?”
“I… Ugh! Damn! You!.. How can you be such a jerk, Keyaruga?!” And just like that, the lady in red pushed the hero away. It seemed like he had overstepped his boundaries, thus scaring Eve away. Well, relatively. She just moved a few steps away from the healer, before the girl stopped, turned back, and revealed her pretty face overtaken by a bright scarlet blush. “Ehm… Could you give me some time? Till the evening, maybe?”
“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-hah! Oh, birdie! Who do you think I am?” Keyaruga mocked, catching himself on his own hypocrisy in the process. After all…
That’s a good question. Who am I, exactly?
“He-heh… Oh, you’re a kind boy, to me, to us… But your character is bad! You’re a cheater, a womanizer, who doesn’t even think cheating is something bad, an immoral pervert, a butcher… But, I still love you, for who you really are.” The queen-to-be spoke with a soft smile, which illuminated her man. A truly beautiful visage…
“You know, I want to draw your portrait now.” …deserving to be preserved for ages to come.
“Just… don’t paint me naked, alright?” The Me-ua kahul spoke with a little bit of embarrassment.
“However you wish, my queen.” Keyaruga said, dramatically taking Eve’s hand for a reverent kiss. That sure did embarrass the woman, but this time she took it with a graceful smile on her red face. “Well then, I think we should return to your grandpa, and…”
N-no!..” Of course! How could it be any different? Basically everyone in the group thought this day wouldn’t bring anymore tragedies, when the kokuyoku scion suddenly and severely slouched, as if someone punched her in the guts.
“Eve?! What’s wrong, Eve?!” Keyaruga asked, as his mood instantly changed from arousal to the deepest concern. “Did Caladrius do something to-?”
Tamsha! (the souls)” The lady replied, quickly jumping back on her feet. “Haa!.. Haa!.. N-no! Not now! NOT AGAIN!!! One, two, f-fo… Many!.. So many dying now! W-why?!” And just like that, the woman started running back and forth, trying to make sense of the gruesome tragedy that she was only now capable of realizing was happening, trying to suppress tears of sadness, panic, and rage. She thought she was ready for something like this, that the second loss of her parents and remembering the first world tempered the woman just enough to be strong in the face of cruelty; apparently, not.
“I see…” At the same time, Keyaruga remained stalwart as ever. He had to; the hero had the role of an unflappable leader, a function much more precious, than any other personality. Eve could store the souls of the kokuyoku kin right inside her wings, provided they refused to leave this world in favor of helping their princess.
“Girls! We’ve got a problem here!” Keyaruga yelled, getting the attention of his three other companions as he ran over to them.
I knew it! I knew that’d happen! Stuff like this always happens with everyone around me! Brin! Mayala! Mil!
“What happened, Keyaruga?” Freia asked, running next to Ellen and Setsuna. “A-a… Evy?” And just as she looked at the groveling girl, the magician lurched forward to help her.
“Oh, let me guess, Visou is under attack?” The Apostle of Caladrius asked, moving more like a ragdoll than a normal human being. The twitching muscles, the pain in her joints, desperately trying to adapt to this new form of power – all of that stole whatever grace the younger princess had.
“Freia, your magic. Send us to Visou.” Setsuna demanded, remaining the only reasonably calm person among the group. The demi-human girl shook the heroine’s shoulder… But no.
“I’m sorry… I can’t… Living can’t survive there…” The caster responded grievously, her pocket dimension was not meant as a means for traveling, much less an inhabitable place for a living, breathing being.
“It’s two days, if we ride on raptors. Not an option.” Keyaruga deadpanned, holding the queen-to-be together with Freia.
“I need to do something…” Still, the lady in red had some fight in her yet. She stood tall, and… “I’ll call Caladrius… That’s only one use, and Ellen got us two…”
“That’s…” For a second, the apostle of the aforementioned god thought about how she should dissuade the girl from spending that chance, that it was much better to murder a few thousand of her enemies than to save a few of her subjects. But… “Do it! Hate to say it, but we really need that pigeon!” … she still had some empathy in her, at the end of the day.
“Yes… No point in coming here otherwise…” And just like that, Eve Reese completely straightened her spine and walked a few steps away from the rest of her companions, when Keyaruga stopped the girls from following the kokuyoku scion. “Haa… Alright… Faruki koliabe shia tayi marunga! (By the power of the ancient pact!) Kalza ton salmukar wor habar ul-molla, mera tamsha pora harino, Caladrius! (O you, who carries wind and death, my soulmate, Caladrius) Oma, kuta de anwari! (Come before me, now!)

https://preview.redd.it/g5yp2h3uqd3b1.jpg?width=704&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8f9360575391a768c9a5fd6be0966131ff0eb7b8
The words were spoken, the seal was marked. As Eve chanted what Ellen really wanted to say was ‘This is just a means to appease that pigeon’s overly bloated ego’, a massive illustrious circle appeared underneath her, as the woman levitated above the ground. A massive flux of mana broke out of it, overwhelming everyone, who could sense its presence, even the apostle of what was to come… Especially her, as she was unused to magic coursing through her veins.
Soon, the circle flew into the sky. It stopped at around twenty meters from the ground, and then, the breach between the words was opened. The massive white bird emerged from the rift, still carrying her accessories of gold and purple.
“It seems like our meeting had happened earlier than either of us expected.” The harbinger of plague mused, once again looming above the party. “How do you like my grace, Apostle?”
“It’s shit and I want nothing of it!” Ellen replied, accompanying her rant with a proudly upraised middle finger. “Now do your only job and help those magpies, anima-!”
Shut up!” Eve yawped, forcefully closing Keyaruga’s ‘sister’s’ mouth. “Please, we must reach Visou, before it’s too late!”
“Your temper never fails to amuse me, little one.” Still looking at her unwilling champion, Caladrius nodded. For some reason, looking at Ellen’s emotional tantrums reminded the creature of her own young days, the first millennia of a carefree existence. Alas, that didn’t hold too much importance right now. What did, though, was that everyone felt being pulled up from the ground. Everyone, including the raptors. Soon, they found themselves closed in a shining white sphere, presumably enclosed and protected from the entire world. The reptiles were nervous, Freia pulled out her staff, Setsuna covered her forearms with ice gauntlets, and even Keyaruga couldn’t help but grope the handle of his saber, while looking back to see, if the egg was still with him. “Just so you know, I was on my way to save them myself, and as such, this call is on me.”
“Haa… Thank you…” Eve spoke, stroke by fatigue from just the summoning. The Hero of Healing nervously glared at the woman, ready to step up, if the deity breaks her oath.
“Hold tight. This will not be a pleasant flight.”
And just like that, Caladrius lunged forward. And oh, boy, did she not exaggerate. Her speed was at least a few times greater than sound itself. Probably, without the protective sphere, no being lesser than a god could survive the trip. And the party? Well, they still had a long way to go before they could claim that particular label.

Thirty-two seconds.
Keyaruga deliberately counted time, it’d take to reach Visou, and it took only half a minute! As if a few hundred kilometers were nothing at all!
“Holy gods…” The man muttered, looking down to the hell that was once a peaceful village. The wall was breached, the houses, old and new, were engulfed in raging flames, but even that wouldn’t stop the invaders from marauding whatever they might find inside the burning houses. They stomped the crops, they stole the livestock, burned the buildings just for fun. The brigade killed everyone in sight. Corpses… at least thirty corpses were lying around, completely untended, sometimes even looted, or outright defiled in the most gruesome manners. Cannibalism, necrophilia, gruesome rituals amidst the smoldering village. “I’m excited to present to all of you: Gramgrim, the most fucked up brigade in the whole of Tenanulic.” The red-haired lad muttered with an eerie glee of suppressed emotions.
Again! This fucking happened all over again! Because of me! Because I came here! Ah, to hell with it! Survivors! I must find someone, somebody! At least one! Please…
“There are no survivors, little ones. Only abominations, undeserving to live. I do not wish you to battle them, as your chances are slim.” Caladrius spoke with little to no regard towards the fallen. This was the formation that once almost ended the four heroes’ journey in the first world. By any sane measure, Keyaruga should’ve been terrified of them.
“I’m immortal, I don’t give a shit.” But he wasn’t. The Hero of Healing muttered, clattering his teeth with a desperate rage. He wanted to kill, to murder with every bit of cruelty he had inside of him, with no regard as to what others might see in him while doing so.
“Well, we aren’t, brother!” Ellen came down to the rescue. Her cold-blooded rationality greatly contrasted with everyone inside the magic bubble. Setsuna growled wrathfully, Freia was on the verge of crying, and Eve just couldn’t believe her eyes. Even raptors seemed distressed by the view. Visou, the village they all lived, worked, loved, grieved and rejoiced with was now lost forever. What was meant to be a refuge for all the persecuted… now became their cemetery. “Right now we must…”
Caladrius…” Eve uttered calmly. She was furious, hateful, disturbed, and disgusted, and yet, all that fire heated so much, it turned into a freezing cold.
“What is it, little one?” The divine bird asked, flapping her wings above the blazing ruins.
“Kill them.” The lady in red spoke calmly. Her morbidly red eyes were shaking in pain, but she couldn’t look away, couldn’t even blink.
“What is the point? Who do you aim to save this way, when everyone is dead?” The harbinger of plague wondered, more intrigued, than anything else. Yet, upon this being said, not only Ellen, but everyone else now shared the former’s disdain toward the deity. “Do you really wish to use one of…”
It was YOU, who was meant to protect them! YOU had to be there for MY people! But instead of that, you TORTURED US by making us meet those, who we could NEVER forgive! So now, YOU get your flappy ass above them and KILL WHO I TELL YOU TO KILL!!!” Eve Reese snarled frantically. She stopped caring about manners, decency, and practicality even. Now that the woman remembered her past life, she knew how useful this formation could be. But no, keeping them around was Cornar’s wish, and now that he was dead for sure, nothing prevented her from cleansing those cruel war-thirsty maniacs.
“He-he-he-he-he-heh… Oh, magpie…” Ellen shook her head, watching as the legendary creature now circled around Visou. As she did so, the white ash started falling from her wings. Freia and Setsuna looked on silently, as the cruel battalion began falling one after another, and no magic shields could protect them against the divine blight for too long. The Hero of Magic could do it herself, but the Me-ua kahul wouldn’t allow it. It was her rightful vengeance, her responsibility. Caladrius wouldn’t tax her mistress this time, but even so, a precious part of Eve’s soul just died within her.
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2023.05.31 23:02 FortyYearTransform Documental Seasons 1-4: The Classic Era Full Timelines and Match Reports

Last Thursday I made a post where I showed the unlabeled timelines of each Documental season, and wrote that I planning to release all my data showing the entire breakdown of every card given in the first 10 seasons (and the shelved S8).
That time has come.
Reddit posts are limited to 40k characters, so I can't fit all the seasons in one post. However, I was planning to cap off the data post with a post reviewing every season, where I'd divide Documental into three eras (1-4, 5-7, shelved 8 - 10) and try to rank them. Instead, I'll combine the timeline, data, and review into three posts, one for each era. The reviews will go in a comment to save space.
Welcome to the Classic Era (alternatively, the Cookie-Fujimoto Era) of Documental. Introduction and methodology in the comments to save space.
ドキュメンタル。。。スタート!

Season 1

U! S! A!
Documental Season 1 Card Timeline
Winner: None (three-way tie, unofficial winner Anthony)
Contestant Duo Name Catchphrase* Points** Final Rank
Miyagawa Daisuke (宮川大輔) (solo) 1、2を争うゲラ (Quick To Laugh) N/A 7th (Tie)

Time Card Primary Culprit(s) Secondary Culprit(s) Description Category
5:20:25 Yellow (self), Jimmy Thwaps Jimmy with a rubber band in his bald spot. Twists the rubber band around his mouth immediately after, he claims he was "trying to make a funny face" but Matsumoto says he was using it to hold back a laugh and "that's wrong". Boke, Self-Destruct
3:31:49 Orange kukky kukky comes out with the Tenga Egg on his head that he inflates. Immediate, Absurd
2:59:31 Red kukky, Fujimoto (self) ["Double elimination"]: Fujimoto initiates cleaning Daisuke's ass of the toilet paper, the killing blow comes when kukky comes and sprays something (perfume)? Both Daisuke and Saito get reds. Coup de grace, Absurd, Lost Endurance

Ohchi Yosuke (大地洋輔) Dienoji (ダイノジ) エアギター世界王者 (Air Guitar World Champion) N/A 9th

5:47:52 Yellow Jimmy "Yoshimoto's Al Capone": Ohchi is laughing pretty much throughout the group's conversation about Hachimitsu's shirt (and Fujimoto's "giant wife", per Kubota) but Jimmy coming out with his "mother and child" lamb gets him to laugh, chided for hiding behind cigarette. Boke, Absurd, Passive, Warning
5:26:26 Safe! Anthony Examined during the Saito orange, Ohchi accused of laughing but holding it in during Anthony's "move" which consists of him squeezing his head through the opponent's arm and saying Hello. Absurd
4:28:33 Red kukky Laughs at kukky's joke about his jacket hood being full of tofu, specifically just the joke and the word "tofu", as he even reinacts it "It's soaked in sweat." "Yeah, it's wet." "That's not sweat. There's tofu in there.". He explains that kukky uses tofu as a joke for everything. Immediate, Boke, ???, Personal, Unfunny

Kubota Kazunobu (久保田和靖) "Torosa-mon" [sic.] (とろサーモン) サイコパス的な。。。(Psychopathic...) N/A Survived*** (would have placed 2nd on points)

1:06:33 Yellow Anthony Loses the rock-paper-scissors against Fujimon and has to look at the photo of Anthony's dad (same photo where he blends into background that Kawahara laughs at) first. His voice trembles with a laugh. Traditional, Strict

Fujimoto Toshifumi (藤本敏史) "Fujiwara" (FUJIWARA) 嫁への依存心でハングリーになれるか? (Can He Be Hungry Dependent On His Wife?) N/A 4th

5:33:48 Yellow Jimmy, Daisuke ["They calm me"]: Jimmy and Daisuke line up to play rock-paper-scissors, Daisuke tells Jimmy to put the sheep away and he says they calm them, then Jimmy bursts into laughter. Saito and Fujimoto also caught smiling (albeit Fujimoto smiles in a way that he will always do in the later seasons). Strict, Warning
2:14:53 Orange Anthony A talk starting from Fujimon not needing 10M, name a comedian still popular in their 50s, Ishizuka... Anthony mentions "But I heard that when he does those gourmet reports, he leaves a lot of food." and Fujimoto goes "Hmph!". Strict, Personal
18:50 Red Kawahara, (self) Kawahara goes out with his boxing glove punch strainer dip routine. Fujimoto joins in taking the strainer, and Kawahara hits him in the face with the boxing glove at the end. Fujimoto laughs. "When you get punched that much, you can't help but laugh. I thought, 'What the hell am I doing?'". Rolling, Absurd, Coup de grace

kukky (くっきー) "Yaseibakuden" (野性爆弾) ドリ客 (Can-ghter) N/A 5th

4:34:08 Yellow Hachimitsu Laughs at Hachimitsu's black-and-yellow lucha libre mask. Contemporary with Ohchi's orange for laughing throughout. No time given, so I'm going off of the 4:33:18 seen when Ohchi's laughs minus 50 seconds of broadcast time to the start. Traditional
4:07:16 Orange Daisuke ["Analympics"]: Daisuke demonstrates the game he used to play in dressing rooms: Analympics, strips underwear and shows anus very fast. Kukky laughs because he had toilet paper crumbs left ("looked like termites"), Hachimitsu and Saito also examined, Saito marked safe but other two get orange. Vulgar, Immediate, Unexpected
2:19:00 Red Kubota Kubota performs an unfunny version of Pikotaro. "B... oo... boobs!" It's not even remotely funny, so kukky laughs. Time not shown so going off starting time. Unfunny

Saito Tsukasa (斎藤司) "Trendy Angel" (トレンディエンジェル) ハケごときで (His Baldness Is Lame) N/A 7th (Tie)

5:33:48 Yellow Jimmy, Daisuke Jimmy and Daisuke line up to play rock-paper-scissors, Daisuke tells Jimmy to put the sheep away and he says they calm them, then he bursts into laughter. Saito and Fujimoto also caught smiling. Boke
5:26:26 Orange Jimmy "First orange": After Jimmy gives him his hair, he goes to wash his head. Jimmy "makes a funny face" and Saito laughs. The group insists Jimmy was laughing and hiding his face in the sink but Matsumoto doesn't check up on it. Ohchi also examined and not carded. Since Saito was attacking he gets an orange, which is explained as the last step before red. Boke
4:07:16 Safe! Daisuke ["Analympics"] Vulgar, Immediate

Kawahara Katsumi (川原克己 "Tenjikunezumi" (天竺鼠) 板尾創路の系譜 (The "Itsuji Itao Type") N/A Survived*** (would have placed 3rd on points)

2:09:52 Yellow (self) "That's quite manly of you...": Nobody's ever seen Kawahara laugh, so he decides to show them. He hides his face and uncovers it to indeed reveal him laughing. "I thought he wouldn't make a face at all. But he gave us a full on laugh. It was so unlike him.". His goal was that everybody would laugh in response. Fujimoto does laugh, but after the siren. !!!
1:12:11 Orange Anthony Laughs at Anthony's second photo of his American dad Viktor (a night photo where his dad is barely visible due to his dark skin color). Traditional

Hachimitsu Jiro (ハチミツ二郎) "Tokyo Dynamite" (東京ダイナマイト) 地肩が強い (Mr. Highly Proficient) N/A 6th

5:59:17 Safe! (self) ["First siren on Documental"]: pretty much everyone is laughing, but specifically Jiro's smile as he introduces himself to Jimmy and Jimmy's "stretched mouth" after Kawahara introduces himself as "Kyojin from All Hanshin" get called out. Lost Concentration, Fun
5:00:25 Yellow Jimmy Jimmy eats the bun with the wasabi clearly on it, there's still one more, Hachimitsu laughs as he says "It should be okay...". Lost Concentration
4:07:16 Orange Daisuke ["Analympics"] Vulgar, Immediate
2:50:51 Red Fujimon (self) Earlier on, as Hachimitsu shows off the lucha libre masks, he stands on a chair and breaks it, and Ohchi swings a broken part of the chair around like a tonfa. Later, Kawahara is doing a running joke where he takes credit for other things, and replicated Ohchi's joke. Hachimitsu remarks that he made that and Fujimon says "You didn't make it". They repeat this exchange and Hachimitsu smiles. Fujimoto is stunned as Hachimitsu smiled at the simplest possible tsukkomi response: "What else should I say? You didn't make it." In the interview after, Hachimitsu talks about how he lost his focus, and couldn't understand why Fujimoto was so persistent about something so trivial, as "When you think about it, I made that prop". Tsukkomi, Lost Concentration

Anthony (アントニー "Matenrou" (マテンロウ) 毛色が違う (A Horse of a Different Color) N/A Survived*** (would have placed 1st on points)

3:21:16 Yellow (self) kukky Anthony puts on kukky's Tenga Egg and enjoys it, saying "This is fun" but smiling as he does. Lost Concentration, Fun
1:16:37 Orange (self) Laughs "like at a normal dinner" while showing Fujimon his kindergarten photo. Lost Concentration, Fun

Jimmy Onishi (ジミー大西) (solo) 化物 (Monster) N/A 10th

5:59:17 Safe! Kawahara ["First siren on documental"] Traditional
5:33:48 Yellow (self), Daisuke ["They calm me"] Boke
5:26:26 Safe! (self) ["First orange"] Boke
4:56:08 Red Fujimon (self) Hachimitsu says Fujimon is close to laughing and Fujimon complains about Jimmy: "But he keeps drinking!" (after they agreed using bottles to hide a laugh is a foul). Jimmy laughs and gets mad at Fujimon, saying he was only drinking because the wasabi was still hot and he kept tricking Jimmy into laughing. ???
FINAL WORDS:
Anthony: You act like you're the best, but you're hopeless. ([小僧?]一番出来る感じ出して、なんてないっす。)
Kubota: Hm?
(silence)

Season 2

The legendary 657 seconds. A true fight to the death. This is Documental.
Documental Season 2 Card Timeline
Winner: Kotouge (2 remaining, won 3-0 on points)
Contestant Duo Name Catchphrase* Points Final Rank Likelihood To Win**
Yoshimura Takashi (吉村崇) Heisei Nobushikobushi (平成ノブシコブシ) 破天荒芸人 (The Wild Cannon Comedian) 1 3rd 5th

Time Card Primary Culprit(s) Secondary Culprit(s) Description Category
4:28:29 Yellow Jimmy ["Reshuffled"]: Jimmy gets his balls sucked in the vaccuum and reacts to the pain: "Look at my balls, they've been reshuffled (互い違い)". Matsumoto says everyone could be called out but Yoshimura and Tsuda were clear outs, giving everyone a yellow as a coincidence. The two assert that at first they had no idea what Jimmy meant, but his balls had indeed moved "not just up and down, there was a lateral transfer too". Boke, Verbal, Vulgar, Physical
20:25 Orange Fujimoto As Fujimoto undresses, Joyman falls out. Turns out Fujimoto had stuck Joyman inside his underwear, and it even stuck to his butt for a moment. Unexpected, Trap
10:56 Red Kotouge Kotouge spits water onto the photo of Tsuda's mother and yells "old hag!". Almost all of it richochets onto Yoshimura. Unexpected, Physical

Miyagawa Daisuke (宮川大輔) (solo) 楽屋での密室芸 (The Closed-Door Backstage Artist) 0 10th 2nd

5:28:02 Safe! Jimmy ["Yam-jelly"]: Jimmy "quits priesthood" and strips, uncovering his smelly yam-jelly dick (konnyaku) covering. Himura laughs, says Daisuke laughed as he looks down but Matsumoto rules it as after the red siren. Absurd, Boke
5:20:39 Yellow Jimmy, Himura, (self) ["Atsui/Itai"]: Daisuke shoots a rubber band at Jimmy's ass, Jimmy responds with "Atsui!" (It's hot!). Himura starts to tsukkomi Jimmy saying that's not right, he should say "Itai!" (It hurts!) instead. Miyagawa all along is holding it in, eventually hissing out a laugh (Matsumoto-san! Matsumoto-san!), and says Himura was laughing too but Matsumoto says the cameras didn't catch Himura. Boke, Lost Endurance
4:17:38 Red Jimmy, (self) Jimmy washes his head and is soaking wet, Daisuke offers Jimmy a towel, Jimmy says No thanks, Daisuke chuckles as he responds "Why? It's just..." (... a towel.). Asked why he laughed he repeats this story over and over. He was just talking with Jimmy as he normally would and lost his concentration. ???, Boke, Lost concentration

Oshima Miyuki (大島美幸) Morisantyu (森三中) 女芸人登場 (The First Female Competitor) 1 8th 9th

5:42:01 Yellow (self) Hands her panties to Jimmy, then they get examined by the group: "Do you play baseball in them or something?". Self-destruct
4:58:21 Orange Kotouge, Kojima Fujimon As the group rags on Kojima being unfunny with his wooden drum, Fujimon points out there's a "wooden drum right next to him" (Kotouge) and Kojima gets spurred to play him. Kojima thwacks Kotouge on the head with his mallet a bit too hard and Kotouge reacts in pain. Physical
3:29:16 Red (self), Jimmy "A poorly written mystery:" Oshima makes Jimmy ramen. He eats it and complains it's sweet. "You put sugar in it, didn't you? Oshimaaa!" She can't hold it in. After the red card she reveals she made Jimmy's ramen half-filled with orange juice - Jimmy's still angry as she leaves. Self-destruct, Boke, Trap

Himura Yuki (日村勇紀) Bananaman (バナナマン) 笑いの有段者 (The Black Belt Comedian) 0 5th

5:28:02 Yellow Jimmy ["Yam-jelly"] Absurd, Boke, Passive
5:20:39 Safe Jimmy, (self), Daisuke ["Atsui/Itai"] Boke, Passive
2:01:01 Orange Kotouge (self), Fujimoto, Yoshimura, Saito Fujimoto starts a sketch with his screaming mouth mask. Yoshimura joins in with his beer liker cap mask. Saito comes in with the titty cap as if it was really funny, and that turns off the pressure. Then Kotouge comes out with absolutely nothing (he wanted to join, but they already ended), and Himura laughs as he realizes Kotouge doesn't have anything. Passive, Unexpected
1:27:56 Red Kotouge Kotouge does Akira 100% while getting his balls slurped by the vaccuum. On the suggestion that he do it standing on the tray, he slips and impales himself on the trunk behind him. Himura laughs when he sees the bruise that Kotouge has from it. Physical, Passive

Kojima Kazuya (児嶋一哉) Unjash (アンジャッシュ) 木偶の坊 (The Dunce) 0 9th 7th

4:37:54 Yellow Jimmy, Yoshimura ["Under the konnyaku"]: Jimmy brings in the vaccuum cleaner, Yoshimura says "What if we try under the konnyaku?" and sucks up his genitals, Jimmy reacts in pain as expected. Matsumoto comes for Kojima but group says Kotouge was who they all saw, both get yellows. Physical
4:08:07 Orange Kotouge Kotouge comes out wearing a chainmail helmet and proclaims "If you hit me (again), it wouldn't hurt at all". Kojima hits him again and it hurts - it didn't work at all. Matsumoto checks to see whether to give an orange (warning) or another yellow (which would mean a red), but gives him orange because he was attacking. Physical, Rolling
3:46:45 Red Fujimon, Kotouge Saito "An incredible stutter": Saito attempts a titty gag but nobody laughs and the group around the porthole point out that's all he's been trying. Kotouge gives an "unclear stutter" as he says "You only brought titties to thish sh-show..." ("お前今日、おっぱいしか(???)じゃない、この番組。。。” and Fujimon reacts with a "Hm?". Discussion as to whether it counts as Kotouge's point, Kojima says he laughed at Fujimon's "Hm?" reaction. Saito says he set it up but Matsumoto says it wasn't even remotely funny. Tsukkomi, Unexpected

Fujimoto Toshifumi (藤本敏史) Fujiwara (FUJIWARA) ムードメーカー (The Moodmaker) 4 4th 6th

4:42:40 Yellow Tsuda Tsuda brings in the photo of his mom at 14 hula hooping, tells the story of her bad-smelling farts, and reveals that she was a javelin thrower. The group locks on to Fujimon and makes him look at the photo. "Textbook comedy". Traditional
59:52 Orange (self) Saito "Are 200 watts funny?": trying to do his nose hair remover and heating it up in the microwave, it isn't working. Fujimon insists it will work. Saito: Doesn't that say 200 watts? Fujimon: It only has 200 watts. Saito: 500 watts before. Fujimon: Well, this won't work... it's broken. He chuckles casually while saying that last phrase for some reason. After the card, the group repeats 200 watts to try to make Fujimoto laugh. ???, Lost Concentration
16:16 Red Yoshimura "Revenge of the Joyman": During the seltzer-chug challenge, Yoshimura puts Joyman on the bottom of the water bottle, getting revenge for his own orange from Fujimon. Traditional

Saito Shinji (斉藤慎二) Jungle Pocket (ジャングルポケット) 唯一無二の個性 (A Unique Character) 0 2nd (Survived, lost on points) 10th

4:49:37 Yellow Jimmy During Kojima's skit, the microwave beeps. What did you heat? Jimmy answers Strawberry candy (earlier, during Fujimon's "Cat's Eye, Dog Nose... add one more" associated word exchange with Kotouge, Jimmy answered with the complete non-sequitur Strawberry Candy). The group thought Jimmy laughed but Saito is called out for suspiciously eating bread right after that statement. Absurd, Boke

Tsuda Atsuhiro (津田篤宏 Daian (ダイアン) ナニワが抜けてない (He Still Reeks Of Old-Style Osaka) 1 6th 8th

4:28:29 Yellow Jimmy ["Reshuffled"] Boke, Verbal, Vulgar, Physical
4:00:37 Orange (Yoshimura or Fujimon, whoever brought Joyman and laid the trap) As Tsuda shows the picture of his silver-capped-tooth mother, he turns around and sees a trap: somebody placed Joyman's Takagi on the hula hoop. He goes "Heh!" and Matsumoto lets him off with a "any mistake and you're done, this orange card is virtually a yellow"***. Trap, Strict
3:01:00 Red (self), Fujimon Laughs throughout his Masayuki Suzuki impression (Chigau, chiiii-gau, sou jya na-iii...), final laugh after Fujimon's "See you in Yoyogi" (5 o' clo...). Self-destruct, Tsukkomi

Kotouge Eiji (小峠英二) Viking (バイきんぐ) 怒り芸 (The Anger Artist) 3 1st (Survived, won on points) 4th

4:37:54 Yellow Jimmy, Yoshimura ["Under the konnyaku"] Physical, Boke
1:13:24 Orange Fujimon Saito Saito tries inhaling the helium that he brought but it doesn't work for him. Fujimon shows him how it's done and says "Hello". Kotouge has a slight smirk, the group defends him (We don't want to see him expelled just for that...) and he gets an orange. Strict, Traditional

Jimmy Onishi (ジミー大西) (solo) 異星からの贈り物 (A Gift From Outer Space) 9 7th 3rd

5:56:42 Orange*** (self) Laughs casually as he's distributing his "crackers for friendship". Lost Concentration
5:42:01 Yellow*** Oshima Oshima hands her panties to Jimmy, then they get examined by the group: "Do you play baseball in them or something?". Oshima laughs but Jimmy gets caught too. Traditional
3:21:27 Red Fujimon Fujimoto randomly does the Ice Bucket Challenge (after Saito spits on Kotouge's head to wash off his "hair"). Unexpected, Absurd, Immediate
FINAL WORDS:
What will we do? Thirty seconds... time for one more. It has to be... (rubber chicken sque-eak).
(Followed after final bell by 'Wait wait wait, please..." "It's over").

Season 3

Squeee... squeee squeee squeee... (Toos! Haah!)
Documental Season 3 Card Timeline
Winner: Yamamoto (2 remaining, won 1-0 on points)
Contestant Duo Name Catchphrase Points Final Rank
Kendo Kobayashi (ケンドーコバヤシ) (solo) 無冠の嘘帝王 (An Emperor Without A Crown) / 不惑のTHEエロス (A Merciless Pervert) 2 4th

Time Card Primary Culprit(s) Secondary Culprit(s) Description Category
3:40:40 Yellow Kasuga ["Kasuga after the bell"]: They look at Kasuga's dick during the bell, but immediately after: "Can you show us again?". Kendo looks down but RG goes "bu-bu". Matsumoto comes for Kendo first "but what's the story with RG?". No time given but after the bell is 3h4040s, so I'll go with that. Physical, Vulgar, Joins in
3:31:36 Orange Kasuga, Goto ["Curry rice"]: Immediately after Kendo's previous card, Goto asks to try putting the curry rice in there. Kasuga does and it comes at slowly - the speed at which it's served makes him laugh, but Kasuga is said to be smiling during it as well, though I don't see it. Physical, Vulgar
1:25:45 Red kukky (zombie) Date (zombie) ["Teddy Bear-chan enters"]: Date as the daddy brings out kukky's Teddy Bear-chan for the first time. Kasuga and Kendo get reds. Absurd, Immediate, Routine

Goto Terumoto (後藤輝基) Footballhour (フットボールアワー) ツッコミスナイパー: "Comedy Sniper" 2 7th

5:01:01 Yellow kukky Laughs at kukky's "ghost photo" of Master Daisuke, particularly the green head one - "you have no respect for these veterans, it's downright rude". Traditional, Absurd, Coup de grace, Prepared, Prop
3:47:48 Orange (self), Iwahashi, Kasuga "A remarkable coincidence": Kasuga shows off his pubic area and Goto calls his skin smooth (tsuru-tsuru: つるつる), and Iwahashi says "Brings back memories, right?" as he at the same time was making a paper crane (tsuru: 鶴). Goto laughs all-out but he's spared, as "I have never seen such a coincidence in my life.". ???, !!!, Unexpected
2:46:35 Red Kendo, (self) Kendo comes out as Yuriko Koike. Goto asks him: "Are you moving the markets to Toyosu?" the response: "Not anymore. Changed it again. Jakuzure." Goto laughs at the response: "Why would you build a fish market there?". Impersonation, Quip

Akiyama Ryuji (秋山竜次) Robert (ロバート) 千のキャラを持つ男: "The Man of a Thousand Characters" 1 5th

3:41:23 Yellow Kasuga, (self) Goto, Kendo Kasuga shows off his privates and his impressive foreskin as Goto eats a sausage. "How can you eat while seeing that?" Goto is tasked to eat while face-to-face with Kasuga's foreskin. Kendo sits down next to him. Akiyama jumps in too but laughs - "I don't usually laugh at things like that. But his foreskin was even more impressive than I imagined". Matsmoto only gives him a yellow as "He jumped into that by himself. I take such efforts into consideration.". Jumps In, Vulgar, Physical
3:22:47 Orange Kasuga, Goto Kasuga puts the mini eel bento eraser out of his foreskin. "Almost all of you were laughing. But if we go down there, there will be no end. So the guy who stood out the most is out. Akiyama." Akiyama: "I held on the whole time, but then he started clenching his body. Nobody guessed it wouldn't come out. Then he tried to push it out with while whole body, and an eel bento popped out.". Vulgar, Physical
1:39:46 Red Yamamoto Kendo During Kendo's conversation with Yamamoto about why the latter "went away", Yamamoto reveals he's been sucking on Iwahashi's pills from before, still, without chewing. 1h41m09s shown earlier. Final time. Traditional, Unexpected

Kinoshita Takayuki (木下隆行) TKO (TKO) 本気芝居入道 (True Bald Actor) 0 [2nd (Survived, lost on points)

2:15:21 Yellow Iwahashi, (self) Makes Iwahashi play his "Can do it or Can't do it?" game. The first card is Chomi from Chomi-Choko and Iwahashi insists he could "do her". Counter, Boke
44:37 Orange Akiyama (zombie), Kendo (zombie) "The sweat laugh": One of the most memorable endurance trials in Documental history, the sweat laugh. Akiyama and Kendo's VIP service routine, where Akiyama is a Chinese masseuse who massages Kendo with oil and continuously offers 30-minute extensions, lymph node massages, and the "Double Dip Course", involving massaging his groin. Kendo says he's "about to blow", and Akiyama says he has to finish himself in the shower. You can hear Kendo shower in the changing room as Akiyama sings something in Chinese. All along, Kinoshita is sitting there trying to endure without laughing, to the point where he has a physical reaction and sweat pours down his face. After Akiyama starts singing, he breaks and laughs out loud. Passive, Explosive, Lost Endurance, Vulgar, Routine

Kasuga Toshiaki (春日俊彰) Audrey (オードリー) 奇怪なる節約魔獣 (A Bizarre Thrifty Monster) 6 3rd

3:31:36 Yellow Kasuga, Goto ["Curry rice"] Self-destruct, Strict
2:39:28 Orange Akiyama Akiyama comes out with the panty mask and the penis enlarger stretching device he got from a magazine he writes for. Vulgar, Prepared, Prop, Absurd, Immediate
1:25:45 Red kukky (zombie) Date (zombie) ["Teddy Bear-chan enters"] Absurd, Immediate, Routine

kukky (くっきー) Yaseibakudan (野性爆弾) 綱渡り放送コード (Walking The Tightrope Of The Broadcast Laws) / 正真正銘最終兵器 (The Ultimate Weapon) 4 10th

5:15:39 Yellow Goto Yamamoto, Kasuga, Kinoshita The massage tappers brought by Kinoshita keep getting held by Yamamoto after Kasuga's sixpad performance. Eventually they try it on a shirtless Goto holding the "guitar" (violin), and Cookie laughs after he joins in a bit saying "bi-bi-bi". Join in, Absurd
4:05:07 Red Goto (self) Earlier Cookie gave Goto the pull tab with the mini sushi eraser (that Goto brought). Goto returned the favor by giving a pull tab with a mini curry inside. Cookie laughs full-on and gets a red. Trap

RG Razor Ramon (レイザーラモン) 進撃のあるあるシンガー (The Attack of the Observational Humor Singer) / 日本のアイアンハート (The Iron Heart of Japan) 0 8th

4:36:45 Yellow (self), Cookie RG writes UFO backwards on his forehead accidentally (because he did it in a mirror), Cookie asks "Why is ON written on your forehead" (note that UFO backwards (O= U) sort of looks like ON).
4:34:34 Orange Kendo?, (self) Yamamoto Immediately after RG's previous card, they get watermelon rinds to eat, and somebody (sounds like Kendo?) asks "Can you eat like Shimura?". RG smiles Lost Concentration
3:40:40 Red Kasuga ["Kasuga after the bell"]:They look at Kasuga's dick during the bell, but immediately after: "Can you show us again?". Kendo looks down but RG goes "bu-bu". Matsumoto comes for Kendo first "but what's the story with RG?". No time given but after the bell is 3h4040s, so I'll go with that. Physical, Vulgar, Passive

Date Mikio (伊達みきお) Sandwichman (サンドウィッチマン) 金髪ブタおしゃべり野郎 (Blond Chatty Pig) 0 9th

4:57:27 Orange kukky Laughs at kukky's "ghost photo" of Master Daisuke, particularly a shrunken head one. Given an orange because he laughs out loud (after saying "I can't take this" - Master Daisuke's head gets smaller and smaller). Prop, Lost Endurance, Explosive
3:54:33 Red (self), Kinoshita Who broke Kinoshita's mirror. Date - you are a girl. Proof - show us your breasts. He shows his stomach - one level higher. Date smiles twice - once while showing one breast, the second time for the other. All I did was show a nipple and go "hmmph". Self-destruct, ???, Strict

Iwahashi Yoshimasa (岩橋良昌) Plus Minus (プラス・マイナス) やってはいけない症候群 (Compulsive Behavior) 1 6th

4:36:45 Safe RG, Cookie RG writes UFO backwards on his forehead accidentally (because he did it in a mirror), Cookie asks "Why is ON written on your forehead"?. Iwahashi not carded but Matsumoto accuses him of using his condition as an excuse. Warning
2:35:07 Orange Kendo (self), Yamamoto Laughed in the middle of a normal conversation: Iwahashi says he needs to shave the side of his head but his wife can't do it. Kendo: "You have a wife?" Iwahashi: "I have a wife. And two kids." Kendo: "She must be crazy.". Iwahashi laughs because he was so relieved Yamamoto took the razor that he relaxed like in a salon. Lost Concentration, Fun
1:50:50 Red Kasuga (self) Iwahashi bring the "Strange Supplement" supposed to make you lose taste, and demonstrates it. Kasuga tries it with condensed milk, tabasco that makes him cough (though he insists it's not spicy), and mustard. The mustard also makes him cough, and Iwahashi cracks up (putting on the glasses and buck teeth), because "It was funny watching him pretend he's okay. He kept pretending. In the end he couldn't pretend". Kasuga was pretending all along. Lost Endurance, Boke, Explosive

Yamamoto Keiichi (山本圭壱) Gokuraku Tombo (極楽とんぼ) 蘇る金豚 (Resurrection of the Golden Pig) 1 1st (survived, won on points)

5:49:25 Yellow (self) (room), Iwahashi, Kinoshita According to Matsumoto, Yamamoto was just constantly smiling for the first ten minutes due to the mood in the room: happy to be there. Fun, Lost Concentration, Warning
5:04:03 Orange kukky Laughs at kukky's "ghost photo" of Master Daisuke, particularly the shrunken head one. Unusually, no time shown after so time is based on shot during Yamamoto's rampage after. Prop
FINAL WORDS:
A series of squeaks and sighs.

Season 4

In the space between you and the sky / Today, too, a golden rain falls...
Documental Season 4 Card Timeline
Winner: kukky (4 remaining, won 4-2-1-1 on points)
Contestant Duo Name Catchphrase Points Final Rank
Nobu (ノブ) Chidori (千鳥) ツッコミ界のクセ強者 (The Tricky Straight Man) 0 10th

Time Card Primary Culprit(s) Secondary Culprit(s) Description Category
5:40:25 Safe Daigo, Kurochan ["Stick to your mustache"]: Kurochan drinks milk, when told by Daigo "It'll stick to your mustache" he drinks it in one gulp and it doesn't stick to his mustache. Daigo laughs first, Nobu judged safe. Boke
5:02:50 Yellow (self) Fujimoto Daigo and Nobu accidentally get into a pose that Nobu explains looks like they're "young actors doing a photoshoot". He poses with Fujimon, who shrugs him off. Nobu laughs as everyone looks at him, just from setting up the joke. Self-destruct
3:51:53 Orange kukky The famous "Kaan!" laugh. kukky hands out collectible photos of Master Daisuke with obscene phrases. Nobu tries to hold it in, making goofy faces as he does, but the normal phrase "I'm gonna buy some Yomeishu" hits him "like a body blow", and he lets out a laugh with a "Kaan!" sound. Explosive, Lost Endurance, Coup de grace, Prop
2:59:42 Red Iio, Fujimoto Iio pulls out his oogiri responses, and it turns into an oogiri game with Fujimoto playing support, revealing the Nishizawa's phone case of Master Sakata, "say a word for this photo" (写真で一言). After a series of attacks where Nobu gets weaker, Iio comes up with new responses (normal oogiri), the one that gets Nobu to crack is "I love you." (好きだ!). Personal, Prop, Lost Endurance

Itoda Jun (井戸田潤) Speed Wagon (スピードワゴン) 同情するなら笑いくれ (If You Feel Sorry For Me, Laugh) 0 7th

1:54:03 Yellow Daigo Miyasako ["The Nose"]: Miyasako makes everyone perform a gag to eat his steak. Daigo puts netting around his face with a hole cutout for the nose. "I'm here to play The Nose". Itoda and kukky checked, kukky is safe and Itoda gets a yellow for "defending himself too much like that". Traditional, Absurd
29:56 Red Nobu (zombie), Daigo (zombie), Miyasako ["Oh, I ended up pissing"]: Chidori performs their "ika nikan!?" standup (as Matsumoto points out, the exact same skit they performed the day before, at Lumine, at which Matsumoto's daughter laughed) naked, after which they talk about how Daigo was unable to get hard and in the end he wore a condom. Miyasako says he was afraid Daigo would end up pissing with the condom on, and Daigo says he can't piss either. As Miyasako turns away and holds in his laugher, Nobu begins pissing. Miyasako turns back around to see it and laughs hard - Itoda get caught up laughing too. Vulgar, Unexpected

Fujimoto Toshifumi (藤本敏史) Fujiwara (FUJIWARA) ガヤ永久機関 (The Perennial Supporting Commedian) 2 5th

4:41:44 Yellow Kurochan (self) Iio starts measuring in bananas, Kurochan starts performing various gags with bananas. Fujimoto eggs him on. Kurochan does a "Nipple beams, they point outwards, heart!" gag, and Fujimoto laughs because "he said outwards, but they're pointing sideways!". Boke, Verbal
3:49 Red Iio (zombie), Nobu (zombie) Itoda (zombie), Miyasako (zombie) The four zombies come in and do the fighting geezer factions skit (from 24-Hour No Laughing?), involving blowing air into Iio and Nobu's anuses. Fujimon laughs because of a combination of Iio farting (how could he do soemthing like that? after all these years (he's 48) as a pro?) and Nobu being unable to fart (if he can piss, why can't he fart?). Vulgar, Unexpected, Absurd

kukky (くっきー) Yaseibakudan (野性爆弾) 芸人殺し芸人 (The Comedian Killer) [4 1st (survived, won on points)

5:23:42 Yellow Fujimoto (self) During the group conversation on souvenirs, talking about edible chili oil. "Pengin Shokudo started it off." Cookie tries to go on the offensive by responding "Who "ur" that?" (ペンギン食堂?なんなら?). Fujimoto goes up to him and asks remember "throwable dumplings"? ("投げるシューマイって覚えてる?”), a completely made-up thing in response to the edible chili oil. Cookie laughs at the imagery. Verbal, Unexpected, Absurd
1:54:03 Safe Daigo Miyasako ["The Nose"] Traditional, Absurd

Kurosawa Kazuko (黒沢かずこ) Morisantyu (森三中) 歌って踊れる肉塊 (She Sings, She Dances, And She's Chubby) 1 4th (survived, lost on points)

4:57:36 Yellow (self), Nishizawa Kurosawa goes around and feeds people pickled cucumbers, giving Nishizawa a "big load". He spits it out and Kurosawa laughs because it came out bigger then she expected, as he chewed it and it comes out mashed. Self-destruct, Physical
4:51:19 Orange (self) "I want to pick up a man"... picks Itoda for her skit where comes home drunk and she plays the wife, but she smiles during the beginning of the skit (maybe too in character). Self-destruct

Daigo (大悟) Chidori (千鳥) 荒くれハニカミ坊主 (The Bashful Ruffian) 2 9th

5:40:25 Yellow (self), Kurochan ["Stick to your mustache"] Counter, Unexpected, ???
5:14:33 Orange Miyasako Miyasako brings out one squeaking rubber chicken, then brings out many and squeezes them all at the same time. Prop, Absurd, Traditional
1:19:52 Red kukky!, Kurosawa, Fujimoto, Mishizawa The legendary foursome: Kurosawa sings, Fujimoto dances unwillingly with the gold leotard and the tattoo of his partner, Mishizawa joins in with his student looking for Puma wallet character, and finally kukky comes out as the Teddy Bear-chan, in his I <3 2 PARTY leotard. Matsumoto: "To be honest, he was laughing for a while." Daigo: "I made that face that said "What's so funny aobut this?" and kept that character. Lost Endurance, Absurd, Passive, Warning

Iio Kazuki (飯尾和樹) Zun (ずん) 関根流 正統系統者 (The Legitimate Successor of the Sekine Style) 1 8th

4:18:21 Yellow Kurosawa Kurosawa's Mao Daichi "Straddle Time!" ("あ!あ!お跨ぎさ!") skit, riding the rope. She continues singing it into the locker room, and the siren goes off. The contestants conclude Kurosawa laughed, but Matsumoto says it was Iio who was holding it in and could no longer. Iio says "it was the vibration on the rope when she rubbed it that got me". Routine, Lost Endurance
2:23:22 Orange (self) Fujimoto, Kurosawa Fujimoto places an (apricot pit?), Iio adds tabasco, Kurosawa picks it up with her mouth. What follows is a cycle of many members sucking it up and spitting it down. Iio sucks it up and is caught laughing, explaining "It was so slimy, I nearly vomited.". Physical, Join in
1:04:54 Red Miyasako Miyasako comes out with a hard-on: "Who left this porn magazine here? In the middle of a serious battle?" The ability to get a hard-on in this situation impresses everyone, but Iio is the one whose face laughs. Vulgar, Physical, Routine

Nishizawa Yusuke (西澤裕介) Daian 不可思議ポーカーフェイス (The Mysterious Poker Face) 1 3rd (survived, lost on points)

3:42:57 Yellow Miyasako (self) Nishizawa gives out phone cases with Yoshimoto masters, one of which is Master Osamu. Miyasako tells the story of how Master Osamu has an elevator in his house that's super slow. Have you ever been there? Goes like this... and imitates it. "Most natural laugh yet". Personal

Kurochan (クロちゃん) Yausda Dai Circus (安田大サーカス) ドッキリ日本記録保持者 (The Most-Pranked Comedian in Japan) 2 2nd (survived, lost on points)

56:44 Yellow kukky Itoda, (self) kukky is cleaning up Itoda's piss (after the members try to figure out what Kurochan's weak at and he replies with dirty jokes, like touching somebody's balls, and Itoda pisses after the stimulation of Miyasako touching his balls (and Fujimon beginning a chorus of Sora to kimi to no aida). Cookie cleans it up and Kurochan hands him one sheet of a paper towel. Cookie complains "Don't just hand me one sheet! If you hand me just one sheet I'll get piss on my hand" and Kurochan smiles as he thinks "Yeah, he'll get piss on him". Lost Concentration, Tsukkomi, Verbal, ???

Miyasako Hiroyuki (宮迫博之) Ameagari (ダイアン) 決死のオフホワイト芸人 (The Not-So-Faithful Do-Or-Die Comedian) 3 6

2:12:20 Yellow kukky Daigo kukky puts on his Shinya Yamamoto makeup. Starts playing with Daigo, "the distance between Sigourney Weaver and the alien". kukky's skit involves acting slowly, playing with his dentures, putting them in Daigo's mouth, putting on sunglasses, pulling out a banana, putting the dentures in Daigo's mouth... the room is tense, but Miyasako is the first to break when kukky nibbles the tip of the banana but it comes out intact: "He didn't even get one bite!". Lost Endurance, Coup de grace, Absurd, Passive
29:56 Red Nobu (zombie), Daigo (zombie), Miyasako ["Oh, I ended up pissing"] Vulgar, Unexpected, Explosive

FINAL WORDS:
COOKIE: "Is it really your anus?" (本当肛門に入れてる?) KUROCHAN: He mimicked me. (何か真似した。。。)
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2023.05.31 22:53 nightsideof3den [Poem] Algernon Charles Swinburne - Faustine

Ave Faustina Imperatrix, morituri te salutant.
Lean back, and get some minutes' peace; Let your head lean Back to the shoulder with its fleece Of locks, Faustine. The shapely silver shoulder stoops, Weighed over clean With state of splendid hair that droops Each side, Faustine. Let me go over your good gifts That crown you queen; A queen whose kingdom ebbs and shifts Each week, Faustine. Bright heavy brows well gathered up: White gloss and sheen; Carved lips that make my lips a cup To drink, Faustine, Wine and rank poison, milk and blood, Being mixed therein Since first the devil threw dice with God For you, Faustine. Your naked new-born soul, their stake, Stood blind between; God said "let him that wins her take And keep Faustine." But this time Satan throve, no doubt; Long since, I ween, God's part in you was battered out; Long since, Faustine. The die rang sideways as it fell, Rang cracked and thin, Like a man's laughter heard in hell Far down, Faustine, A shadow of laughter like a sigh, Dead sorrow's kin; So rang, thrown down, the devil's die That won Faustine. A suckling of his breed you were, One hard to wean; But God, who lost you, left you fair, We see, Faustine. You have the face that suits a woman For her soul's screen — The sort of beauty that's called human In hell, Faustine. You could do all things but be good Or chaste of mien; And that you would not if you could, We know, Faustine. Even he who cast seven devils out Of Magdalene Could hardly do as much, I doubt, For you, Faustine. Did Satan make you to spite God? Or did God mean To scourge with scorpions for a rod Our sins, Faustine? I know what queen at first you were, As though I had seen Red gold and black imperious hair Twice crown Faustine. As if your fed sarcophagus Spared flesh and skin, You come back face to face with us, The same Faustine. She loved the games men played with death, Where death must win; As though the slain man's blood and breath Revived Faustine. Nets caught the pike, pikes tore the net; Lithe limbs and lean From drained-out pores dripped thick red sweat To soothe Faustine. She drank the steaming drift and dust Blown off the scene; Blood could not ease the bitter lust That galled Faustine. All round the foul fat furrows reeked, Where blood sank in; The circus splashed and seethed and shrieked All round Faustine. But these are gone now: years entomb The dust and din; Yea, even the bath's fierce reek and fume That slew Faustine. Was life worth living then? and now Is life worth sin? Where are the imperial years? and how Are you Faustine? Your soul forgot her joys, forgot Her times of teen; Yea, this life likewise will you not Forget, Faustine? For in the time we know not of Did fate begin Weaving the web of days that wove Your doom, Faustine. The threads were wet with wine, and all Were smooth to spin; They wove you like a Bacchanal, The first Faustine. And Bacchus cast your mates and you Wild grapes to glean; Your flower-like lips were dashed with dew From his, Faustine. Your drenched loose hands were stretched to hold The vine's wet green, Long ere they coined in Roman gold Your face, Faustine. Then after change of soaring feather And winnowing fin, You woke in weeks of feverish weather, A new Faustine. A star upon your birthday burned, Whose fierce serene Red pulseless planet never yearned In heaven, Faustine. Stray breaths of Sapphic song that blew Through Mitylene Shook the fierce quivering blood in you By night, Faustine. The shameless nameless love that makes Hell's iron gin Shut on you like a trap that breaks The soul, Faustine. And when your veins were void and dead, What ghosts unclean Swarmed round the straitened barren bed That hid Faustine? What sterile growths of sexless root Or epicene? What flower of kisses without fruit Of love, Faustine? What adders came to shed their coats? What coiled obscene Small serpents with soft stretching throats Caressed Faustine? But the time came of famished hours, Maimed loves and mean, This ghastly thin-faced time of ours, To spoil Faustine. You seem a thing that hinges hold, A love-machine With clockwork joints of supple gold — No more, Faustine. Not godless, for you serve one God, The Lampsacene, Who metes the gardens with his rod; Your lord, Faustine. If one should love you with real love (Such things have been, Things your fair face knows nothing of, It seems, Faustine); That clear hair heavily bound back, The lights wherein Shift from dead blue to burnt-up black; Your throat, Faustine, Strong, heavy, throwing out the face And hard bright chin And shameful scornful lips that grace Their shame, Faustine, Curled lips, long since half kissed away, Still sweet and keen; You'd give him — poison shall we say? Or what, Faustine?
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2023.05.31 22:21 inspeakc8 Grace Charis Hot Striptease Video Leaked

Grace Charis Hot Striptease Video Leaked submitted by inspeakc8 to u/inspeakc8 [link] [comments]


2023.05.31 19:22 M_Tootles "Cargos, Slatterns & Butchery" with Helya & Grisel (Spoilers Extended)

This post is part of a series looking at the massive amount of 'rhyming' (and occasionally rhyming) recursivity I believe exists between (a) the homecoming of Petyr Baelish to the Fingers and (b) the homecoming of Theon Greyjoy to Pyke.
While this series/post can be read simply as a study 'for its own sake' of the curious recursion between these storylines, it is my belief that the 'rhyming' explored here between the stories of Petyr and Theon exists (at least in part) to foreshadow that, like Theon, Petyr Littlefinger, is (among other things) a scion of ironborn kings, because Petyr is Hoare-ish: I.e. because Petyr's blood is (in some part) the blood of the ironborn kings of House Hoare of Orkmont and, later, Harrenhal.
You can find an index of every post I've made on the topic of a Hoare-ish Littlefinger (including every post in this sub-series) [HERE].
Even if I'm wrong about Littlefinger's lineage, the 'rhyming' recursivity between the homecomings of Theon and Petyr detailed in this series remains, and certainly merits attention.
NOTE: In what follows, all uncited quotes are from ASOS Sansa VI, which describes Petyr's homecoming to his "Drearfort" tower of the 'Smallest Finger', or ACOK Theon I, which describes Theon's homecoming to "drear" Pyke.
As in past posts, I sometimes use "→" as shorthand for "'prefigures' and/or 'informs' and/or 'is reworked by' and/or 'finds a recursive rhyme in'.
As in: ACOK Theon I ASOS Sansa VI.
This post picks up straight-away from where Part 8 left off. You can read Part 8 [HERE].
If you want to begin at the beginning, Part 1 is [HERE].

The Myraham's Prophetic Cargo

After Theon makes port, the captain of the Myraham announces his cargo to the people on the docks of Lordport and we read about the offloading of the Myraham:
"We're out of Oldtown," the captain called down, "bearing apples and oranges, wines from the Arbor, feathers from the Summer Isles. I have pepper, woven leathers, a bolt of Myrish lace, mirrors for milady, a pair of Oldtown woodharps sweet as any you ever heard." The gangplank descended with a creak and a thud. "And I've brought your heir back to you."
Most of what we read there seems to be reworked in and around Littlefinger's homecoming in ASOS Sansa VI, when the Merling King brings the Dreadfort its heir, Littlefinger, as well as the seeming heir to Winterfell, Sansa. This begins with the Arbor wine and fruit we see off-loaded from the Merling King:
Oswell made two more trips out to the Merling King to offload provisions. Among the loads he brought ashore were several casks of wine. Petyr poured Sansa a cup, as promised. …
… The wine was very fine; an Arbor vintage, she thought. It tasted of oak and fruit and hot summer nights, the flavors blossoming in her mouth like flowers opening to the sun. She only prayed that she could keep it down. Lord Petyr was being so kind, she did not want to spoil it all by retching on him.
… "Grisel," he called to the old woman, "bring some food up. … Oswell's brought some oranges and pomegranates from the King." …
Grisel reappeared…, balancing a large platter. … There were apples and pears and pomegranates, some sad-looking grapes, a huge blood orange.
Besides the straight repetition of Arbor wine, oranges, apples, and heirs, the repeated Oldtown motif is baldly reworked by Sansa's description of the wine, which is patently Oldtown-summer-esque, per the only substantive pre-AFFC description of Oldtown, which associates it with hot, fruity summer nights:
"King Maekar's summer was hotter than this one, and near as long. … [T]he heat was fierce while it lasted. Oldtown… came alive only by night. … I remember the smells of those nights, my lord—perfume and sweat, melons ripe to bursting, peaches and pomegranates, nightshade and moonbloom." (AGOT Eddard V)
The Myraham's "mirrors for milady" prefigure Sansa being figuratively groomed by Petyr and literally grooming herself in Petyr's Eyrie after he takes over:
When Gretchel fetched her Lysa's silvered looking glass, the color seemed just perfect with Alayne's mass of dark brown hair. (AFFC Alayne I)
The Myraham's "woodharps sweet as any you ever heard" presage Sansa being attacked by Marillion, whose "voice was strong and sweet", (AFFC Sansa I) after he sings a song (about blowjobs?) called "Milady's Supper" (supper a la the Myraham-ish fruit Sansa eats for supper when she lands) during Petyr's wedding bedding:
Lady Lysa's singer launched into a bawdy version of "Milady's Supper"….
The Myraham's "woven leathers" and "Myrish lace" are reworked into the "laces unlaced" i.e. unwoven during said wedding:
By the time they had gotten him into the tower and out of his clothes, the other women were flushed, with laces unlaced, kirtles crooked, and skirts in disarray.
That it's a "bolt of Myrish lace" is interesting: After Sansa boards the Merling King, she sees a singular "bolt" from a crossbow strike Dontos, and then two more:
Lothor Brune dipped his torch. Three men stepped to the gunwale, raised crossbows, fired. One bolt took Dontos in the chest as he looked up…. The others ripped into throat and belly. (ASOS Sansa V)
Three crossbow bolts? What does that remind us if not… a Myrish crossbow:
"The king is playing with his new crossbow," Tyrion said. Ridding himself of Joffrey had required only an ungainly Myrish crossbow that threw three quarrels at a time…. (ACOK Tyrion VI)
What about the Myraham's "pepper"? I suspect this gets box-checked first by Sansa trying not to "retch" as she is off-loaded along with the wine with which Littlefinger tries to settle her tummy, as just two chapters later peppers are tightly linked to "retching" of the sort Sansa feels like doing:
[Tyrion] found himself on his knees retching… that double helping of fried eggs cooked up with onions and fiery Dornish peppers. (ASOS Tyrion X)
GRRM seems to play off the "pepper" motif in other ways, as well. Consider that the gathering to meet the Myraham and the shouted questions that prompt her captain to announce her cargo—
A handful of Lordsport merchants had gathered to meet the ship. They shouted questions as the Myraham was tying up.
—get reworked by Petyr's household all gathering "to meet" the Merling King and by their peppering one another with questions:
Servants emerged from the tower to meet them; a thin old woman and a fat middle-aged one, two ancient white-haired men, and a girl of two or three with a sty on one eye. When they recognized Lord Petyr they knelt on the rocks. "My household," he said. "I don't know the child. Another of Kella's bastards, I suppose. She pops one out every few years."
She's a "popper", then, in case we didn't catch that retching → peppers. (This also reworks Theon "popping one off" with the captain's daughter, who is in many ways reworked by Kella, as will be discussed below.)
… [Petyr]… gave the old woman a kiss on the cheek and grinned at the younger one. "Who fathered this one, Kella?"
The fat woman laughed. "I can't rightly say, m'lord. I'm not one for telling them no."
"And all the local lads are grateful, I am quite sure."
"It is good to have you home, my lord," said one old man. … "How long will you be in residence?"
"As short a time as possible, Bryen, have no fear. Is the place habitable just now, would you say?"
"If we knew you was coming we would have laid down fresh rushes, m'lord," said the crone. "There's a dung fire burning."
"Nothing says home like the smell of burning dung." Petyr turned to Sansa. "Grisel was my wet nurse, but she keeps my castle now. Umfred's my steward, and Bryen—didn't I name you captain of the guard the last time I was here?"
"You did, my lord.…"
… Petyr gestured toward the fat woman. "Kella minds my vast herds. How many sheep do I have at present, Kella?"
A gathering, and questions, questions, questions, as when Theon docks.
Recall that Bryen and Umfred come from shore to offload Sansa (who's just been promised a cup of wine to help with her upset "tummy") from the Merling King's rowboat:
The two old men waded out up to their thighs to lift Sansa from the boat so she would not get her skirts wet.
This reworks the "shorehands… off-loading… casks of wine" from a Tyroshi trader docked with the Myraham
[Theon] spied a Tyroshi trading galley off-loading
Shorehands rolled casks of wine off the Tyroshi trader, fisherfolk cried the day's catch, children ran and played. A priest in the seawater robes of the Drowned God was leading a pair of horses along the pebbled shore, while above him a slattern leaned out a window in the inn, calling out to some passing Ibbenese sailors.
—which itself prefigures the above-quoted off-loading of the Merling King (when "Oswell made two more trips out to the Merling King to offload provisions" including "several casks of wine", from which Petyr immediately "poured Sansa a cup, as promised").

Kella & The Slattern

What about that "slattern lean[ing] out a window" to greet "some passing… sailors" while "children ran and played"? I submit that she is one of several motifs from Theon's homecoming prefiguring Petyr's servant Kella. I'll explain.
Consider that Petyr's servant Kella has many bastards i.e. children, popping one out every few years:
"I don't know the child. Another of Kella's bastards, I suppose. She pops one out every few years."
We only see one; presumably the others are off somewhere, running and playing, perhaps.
Kella happily greets Petyr as he comes ashore, much as Lordsport's slattern "call[s] out to some passing Ibbenese sailors". Note that the sailors on the Merling King are likewise 'passing' — passing through:
"From here the King turns east for Braavos. Without us."
Consider most of all that Kella's something of a slattern herself: She's "not one for telling them no".
"I can't rightly say, m'lord. I'm not one for telling them no."
"And all the local lads are grateful, I am quite sure."
Indeed, something Lysa says pretty clearly codes Kella as a verbatim "slattern", underlining the recursion:
"How would you like to spend your life on that bleak shore, surrounded by slatterns and sheep pellets?" (ASOS Sansa VII)
So I think the vignette with the slattern and the children in Lordsport pretty plainly prefigures Kella. But I think she's prefigured by two more pieces of Theon's homecoming.

Kella & The Captain's Daughter

Keeping in mind that Kella has a bunch of bastards ("she pops one out every few years) and that she's "not one for telling them no", consider also that she is (a) literally 'with child' — or rather, with a child—
a girl of two or three with a sty on one eye
—that she's (b) "fat"—
"Who fathered this one, Kella?"
The fat woman laughed.
—and that she's (c) coded as a bit stupid:
"Kella minds my vast herds. How many sheep do I have at present, Kella?"
She had to think a moment. "Three and twenty, m'lord. There was nine and twenty, but Bryen's dogs killed one and we butchered some others and salted down the meat."
All like Theon's "captain's daughter".
The captain's daughter is "plump", as Kella is "fat":
The girl was a shade plump for his taste…
She is likely pregnant with Theon's bastard, a la Kella the bastard-popper.
She tells Theon…
"You can put it in me again, if it please you…"
…and accedes to his request for a blowjob, so she's "not one for telling them no."
She thereby helps Theon 'pop one off', a la Kella "pop[ping] one out".
Like Kella, she seems a bit stupid:
She looked rather stupid when she smiled, but he had never required a woman to be clever.
The stupid girl did not seem to be listening.
She… learned quickly for such a stupid girl….
She looked at him stupidly, so he left her there.
And finally, she offers to work in Theon's castle
I'd work in your castle, milord.
just as Kella works for Petyr.

Kella: The Spreading Patch of the Smallest Finger?

Besides the "slattern" and the captain's daughter, I suspect Kella may also riff on — of all things — the "spreading patches" of "lichen" on "wet" Pyke as Theon sails by:
[Pyke was] wet by the same salt waves, festooned with the same spreading patches of dark green lichen, speckled by the droppings of the same seabirds.
Get it? A spreading 'patch'? In combination with "lichen" a la "licking" and Pyke being "wet"? And not just wet, but "wet by… salt waves", when as we know from the captain's daughter, semen tastes "salty", "like the sea". It's like Pyke is being described as a turned-on "slattern" with her legs spread.
A Hoare, we might say.
This connects to Kella, specifically because of her name: Kella is a near anagram for "kale", a dark green plant, like the "dark green lichen".
Actually, the name Kella may have anothere precursor in Theon's story: "Qalen", the maester Theon asks Helya about upon his arrival at Pyke:
"And what of Maester Qalen, where is he?"
Qalen would be pronounced Kalen. Qalen → Kalen → Kale → Kela → Kella. Anyway…

Grisel & The Captain's Daughter

Something similar is going on with Petyr's servant Grisel, the "thin old woman" who was his wet nurse but who "keeps [his] castle now":
"Grisel was my wet nurse, but she keeps my castle now.
Grisel is similarly prefigured by two people from Theon's homecoming, including first the captain's daughter who wants to work in Theon's castle as Grisel works in Petyr's "castle".
Consider first that Grisel, like the captain's daughter, seems slightly stupid (but eager to please), as she fails to grasp Petyr's sarcasm and takes his derisive joke about gulls' eggs and seaweed soup as an order:
"Ah, cold salt mutton. I must be home. When I break my fast on gulls' eggs and seaweed soup, I'll be certain of it."
"If you like, m'lord," said the old woman Grisel.
Lord Petyr made a face.
Then there is the captain daughter's resume:
"I'd work in your castle, milord. I can clean fish and bake bread and churn butter. Father says my peppercrab stew is the best he's ever tasted. You could find me a place in your kitchens and I could make you peppercrab stew."
This surely prefigures what we're told about Grisel making a sea-based soup of her own (i.e. the just mentioned "seaweed soup"), baking bread, and churning butter for Petyr:
Grisel reappeared before he could say more, balancing a large platter. She set it down between them. … The old woman had brought a round of bread as well, and a crock of butter.
Grisel climbed up to the bedchamber to serve the lord and lady a tray of morning bread, with butter, honey, fruit, and cream.
Where Grisel used to be Petyr's wet nurse, Theon suckles the captain daughter's nipple as if she's a wet nurse:
Theon's finger circled one heavy teat, spiraling in toward the fat brown nipple. … He took her nipple in his mouth….
"You can put it in me again, if it please you," she whispered in his ear as he sucked.
And finally, where Theon kisses the captain's daughter on the ear—
[Theon] drew the captain's daughter close and kissed her on her ear.
—Littlefinger kisses Grisel on the cheek:
Oswell and Lothor splashed their way ashore, as did Littlefinger himself. He gave the old woman a kiss on the cheek and grinned at the younger one.

Helya & Grisel (& Gretchel)

Grisel also rhymes with and reworks Helya, who keeps Balon's castle:
A bentback old crone in a shapeless grey dress approached him warily. "M'lord, I am sent to show you to chambers."
"And who are you?"
"Helya, who keeps this castle for your lord father."
Get it? "Helya and Grisel", a la "Hansel and Gretel".
(Gretel is a variant of "Greta". "Grisel" sounds like gristle, whereas in Hansel and Gretel the witch is trying to fatten Hansel up — she don't want no stringy meat! Note the thematic symmetry as well: By treating Hansel kindly and feeding him delicious treats, the witch is essentially "grooming" him for her own benefit/consumption, as Theon and Petyr groom the captain's daughter and Sansa, respectively, for their own benefit. Finally, note that "pebbles" are a key motif in Hansel and Gretel, prefiguring the proliferation of "pebbles" on Pyke, the 'rhyming' "pellets" on Petyr's Finger, and the isle of "Pebble" that leads to Petyr's Finger.)
The two "old" castle keepers neatly invert one another. Consider Grisel's comments about the old rushes and fire in Petyr's tower:
"If we knew you was coming we would have laid down fresh rushes, m'lord," said the crone. "There's a dung fire burning."
"Nothing says home like the smell of burning dung."
That's a recursive reversal of Helya's (lack of) preparation for Theon's visit: Where Grisel has a fire going even though she didn't know Petyr was coming, and where she proactively apologizes for not changing the rushes, telling him "we would have laid down fresh rushes… if we knew you were coming", Helya neither lit a fire nor changed the heavily foregrounded "old and brittle" rushes in the rooms Theon is given—
"I'll have a basin of hot water and a fire in this hearth," he told the crone. "See that they light braziers in the other rooms to drive out some of the chill. And gods be good, get someone in here at once to change these rushes."
—despite having ample forewarning of his coming:
It was not as though they had no word of his arrival. Robb had sent ravens from Riverrun, and… Jason Mallister had sent his own birds to Pyke….
The joke is underlined by the introduction of "Gretchel" — Gretel with a borrowed H from Helya/Hansel — who fetches washbasins of water (which, see below), "la[ys] a fire in the hearth" and "tend[s] to the fire", brings food and discusses food storage in Petyr's Eyrie in AFFC Sansa I & Alayne I. (In other words, she 'keeps his castle.')

'Rhyming' Interiors

That's just the beginning of the reversals in the many recursions between Theon's lodgings at Pyke and Sansa's in the Drearfort.
Where Helya leads Theon to his rooms on his orders—
"Show me to my chambers, woman," he commanded. Bowing stiffly, [Helya] led him across the headland to the bridge. …
Whenever he'd imagined his homecoming, he had always pictured himself returning to the snug bedchamber in the Sea Tower, where he'd slept as a child. Instead the old woman led him to the Bloody Keep.
—it's Petyr who leads the way into his tower, casually inviting Grisel (and everyone else) to follow him:
"If you like, m'lord," said the old woman Grisel.
Lord Petyr made a face. "Come, let's see if my hall is as dreary as I recall." He led them up the strand…
Petyr jokes about his hall being "dreary", and perhaps it is, but while it's "small" and "even smaller" within, his tower is also home to his servants, and hence very well lived-in.
Within, the tower seemed even smaller. An open stone stair wound round the inside wall, from undercroft to roof. Each floor was but a single room. The servants lived and slept in the kitchen at ground level, sharing the space with a huge brindled mastiff and a half-dozen sheep-dogs. Above that was a modest hall, and higher still the bedchamber.
(Note that the "mastiff", which we see as Petyr leads Grisel in, recalls Helya bowing "stiffly" before leading Theon to his rooms.)
This sharply reverses the situation Theon finds at Pyke, when he's deposited not in a single room shared by a bunch of people who've lived in it forever and warmed by a hearth with a burning fire, a la Sansa, nor in the "snug bedchamber" in the Sea Tower he'd anticipated (which sounds like Littlefinger's little "tower" by the sea), but in the Bloody Keep, in a whole-ass "suite" of large but "chilly", even "cold" rooms with incredibly high ceilings — rooms which haven't even been opened, much less lived-in, for "years", and which are the very definition of "dreary":
The halls here were larger and better furnished, if no less cold nor damp. Theon was given a suite of chilly rooms with ceilings so high that they were lost in gloom. [Omitted but see below.]
[Omitted but see below.] It was not fear of ghosts that made him glance about with distaste. The wall hangings were green with mildew, the mattress musty-smelling and sagging, the rushes old and brittle. Years had come and gone since these chambers had last been opened. The damp went bone deep. "I'll have a basin of hot water and a fire in this hearth," he told the crone. See that they light braziers in the other rooms to drive out some of the chill. And gods be good, get someone in here at once to change these rushes."
A ton of the motifs here (including the omitted stuff, which I'll return to) get recycled and reworked in Petyr's tower.
Most obviously, Theon's request for hot water prefigures Sansa's request for a hot bath:
"Might I have a hot bath as well?" asked Sansa.
"I'll have Kella draw some water, m'lady."
Note that Kella fulfills the request, not Grisel. This 'fits', as it's not Helya who brings Theon's water, but "two thralls".
Note also that Sansa requests her bath after thinking…
She desperately needed a bath and a change of clothes.
…whereas Theon changes his clothes immediately after the quoted passages.
Slightly less obviously, the "wall hangings [that] were green with mildew" are reworked by Petyr's own green 'wall hanging': his grandfather's shield, which is painted with a "light green field" and which "hung… above the hearth". The "mildew" is reworked by the fact that the paint is "cracked and flaking" i.e. flawed. And maybe also by the "light green field", since a field grows crops which get milled and which get dewy.

Brittle Bryen's Brigantine, Brindled Mastiff, & Old Blind Dog

As mentioned, the motif of unchanged rushes from Theon's homecoming recurs when Petyr comes home. But Petyr's homecoming also lexically riffs on Theon's rushes being quote-unquote "old and brittle" by giving us Bryen in "brigantine" who is very "old" but not, seemingly, brittle, as he still walks watches, not with his "old blind dog", but with a "brindled mastiff":
"It is good to have you home, my lord," said one old man. He looked to be at least eighty, but he wore a studded brigantine and a longsword at his side. …
"Bryen—didn't I name you captain of the guard the last time I was here?"
"You did, my lord. You said you'd be getting some more men too, but you never did. Me and the dogs stand all the watches."
Sansa found Bryen's old blind dog in her little alcove beneath the steps…
The servants lived and slept in the kitchen at ground level, sharing the space with a huge brindled mastiff and a half-dozen sheep-dogs.
Is the brindled dog a "mastiff" 'only' a wink at Theon going mast-stiff for Asha? (See Part 4.) Maybe. But it's worth mentioning that when Theon is first being stirred by Pyke's banner and it's being battered about like the shield we see in the Drearfort three sentences after the mastiff, it's also (a) flying from a very stiff "mast" and (b) juxtaposed with a very large 'dog' of sorts:
The banner streamed from an iron mast, shivering and twisting as the wind gusted like a bird struggling to take flight. And here at least the direwolf of Stark did not fly above, casting its shadow down upon the Greyjoy kraken.

Musty Old Mattresses

The old, "musty-smelling and sagging" mattress (in the chamber that has just been re-opened after long periods of being closed and uninhabited) from Theon's homecoming is answered in Petyr's homecomiong by Lysa, who arrives a few pages later in the chapter, eager to finally have sex again with Petyr. "Mattress" is slang for a sexually available woman (https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=mattress) and Lysa sags—
Lady Lysa was two years younger than Mother, but this woman looked ten years older. Thick auburn tresses fell down past her waist, but beneath the costly velvet gown and jeweled bodice her body sagged and bulged.
—and smells stale. (Note that Lysa is on a mattress here.)
Her aunt was drenched in sweet scent, though under that was a sour milky smell. Her cheek tasted of paint and powder.
Lysa's "cheek tast[ing] of paint and powder" riffs on the line about Theon's "distaste" and "fear of ghosts":
It was not fear of ghosts that made him glance about with distaste.
The distaste wordplay is obvious: Lysa tastes bad. As for the "fear of ghosts", Lysa (whom Sansa fears) being covered in "powder" reminds us of Sansa being afraid of a "spirit" covered in powdery flour:
When the spirit stepped out of the open tomb, pale white and moaning for blood, Sansa ran shrieking for the stairs…. Arya stood her ground and gave the spirit a punch. It was only Jon, covered with flour. (AGOT Arya IV)
This line—
The halls here were larger and better furnished, if no less cold nor damp.
—is reworked by Lysa as well, who is big and well-dressed ("better furnished", so to speak)—
[B]eneath the costly velvet gown and jeweled bodice her body sagged and bulged. Her face was pink and painted, her breasts heavy, her limbs thick. She was taller than Littlefinger, and heavier; nor did she show any grace in the clumsy way she climbed down off her horse.
—but cold to Sansa and horny/wet/"damp" for Petyr.
Given that Theon's rooms are in several ways like Lysa (newly 'open for business' after a long period of being closed and untouched by men, etc.), and pronouncing aunt like antler, we also might say that where the Lysa-like rooms are "cold" and "damp", Lysa herself is Sansa's "cold" aunt. Rhyming 'rhyming'.
That "years had come and gone since" the room with the Lysa-like mattress "had last been opened" is reworked not just by Lysa getting laid, but textually when Sansa is told Lysa is coming to the Drearfort (where she is 're-opened', so to speak):
It had been years since Sansa last saw her mother's sister…"
I wonder whether Lysa crying and speaking to Sansa of being "bound by blood" to her—
Tears welled suddenly in Lady Lysa's eyes. "We are women alone now, you and I. Are you afraid, child? Be brave. I would never turn away Cat's daughter. We are bound by blood."
—might not be in part a play on the fact that "the damp went bone deep" in the Bloody Keep. By saying that, Sansa's damp (i.e. crying) aunt "went bone deep", so to speak. (If you're "bound by blood" to someone, you have a "bone deep" bond with them. Also, bone → bound wordplay?)

Braziers → Bracing?

Did Theon's attempt to drive away "the chill" and damp of the salty sea air of Pyke using "braziers"—
See that they light braziers in the other rooms to drive out some of the chill.
—inform (via wordplay: braziers → bracing) Petyr's line when the Merling King pulls up to the Drearfort?
Lord Petyr came up beside her, cheerful as ever. "Good morrow. The salt air is bracing, don't you think? It always sharpens my appetite."
And/or is that "sharpening" motif a recursion of Theon sharpening his dirk immediately after said braziers are lit?
After some time, they brought the hot water he had asked for. … While two thralls lit his braziers, Theon stripped off his travel-stained clothing and dressed to meet his father. … He hung a dirk at one hip and a longsword at the other…. Drawing the dirk, he … pulled a whetstone from his belt pouch, and gave it a few licks. He prided himself on keeping his weapons sharp.

Gods Be Good!

The motifs of Theon yelling "gods be good" at his servant and of "ceilings so high that they were lost in gloom" are recursively reworked when Lysa summons Sansa (like a servant) to speak with her the morning after she weds Petyr. Sansa responds to the summons by thinking, verbatim, "gods be good", and is then told they'll be heading to the Eyrie, which we know is "so high you can stand on the parapets and look down on the clouds", i.e. it has parapets 'so high that they were lost in the clouds':
Lady Lysa was still abed [like a good mattress!], but Lord Petyr was up and dressed. "Your aunt wishes to speak with you," he told Sansa, as he pulled on a boot. "I've told her who you are."
Gods be good. "I . . . I thank you, my lord."
Petyr yanked on the other boot. "I've had about as much home as I can stomach. We'll leave for the Eyrie this afternoon."
Seven towers, Ned had told her, like white daggers thrust into the belly of the sky, so high you can stand on the parapets and look down on the clouds. (AGOT Catelyn VI)
The notion of a "ceiling" so high it is lost in gloom is perhaps also reworked by the story Lysa tells Sansa about Petyr's "rise" to power: She says she "always knew how high [Petyr would] rise", and it's my belief that said rise has likely seen him 'lost', spiritually, in 'darkness'. (Note that ceilings are a frequently invoked metaphor when talking about climbing the corporate ladder.)
"Half his teeth were gone, and his breath smelled like bad cheese. I cannot abide a man with foul breath. Petyr's breath is always fresh . . . he was the first man I ever kissed, you know. My father said he was too lowborn, but I knew how high he'd rise. Jon gave him the customs for Gulltown to please me, but when he increased the incomes tenfold my lord husband saw how clever he was and gave him other appointments, even brought him to King's Landing to be master of coin. That was hard, to see him every day and still be wed to that old cold man.
(Recall that the motif of bad/fresh breath there reworks the "winey stench of the old man's [Sylas Sourmouth's] breath", which Theon thinks about roughly ¼ page prior to being shown his suite in the Bloody Keep.)

Butchered Sons & Brothers

Lysa continues to rant:
"Jon did his duty in the bedchamber, but he could no more give me pleasure than he could give me children. His seed was old and weak. All my babies died but Robert, three girls and two boys. All my sweet little babies dead, and that old man just went on and on with his stinking breath. So you see, I have suffered too." Lady Lysa sniffed. "You do know that your poor mother is dead?"
"Tyrion told me," said Sansa. "He said the Freys murdered her at The Twins, with Robb."
Those references to (a) a bunch of dead "babies", including two brothers, one of which was "murdered" when Lysa's father, Hoster Tully, who ruled the Riverlands, betrayed Lysa's trust; and to (b) foul smelling breath, a la Sylas, and finally to (c) the Red Wedding — a bloody betrayal of Sansa's brother, who was King of the Riverlands — particularly (per Sansa saying "Tyrion told me") as it's described by Tyrion
Sansa did not need to hear how her brother's body had been hacked and mutilated, he decided; nor how her mother's corpse had been dumped naked into the Green Fork in a savage mockery of House Tully's funeral customs. (ASOS Tyrion VII)
—are one of the ways ASOS Sansa VI rejiggers the part of Theon's description of his Bloody Keep suite I "[omitted]" earlier, which entails betrayals, murdered brothers, a River King, slaughter, and bodies "hacked to bits".
[Theon] might have been more impressed if he had not known that these were the very chambers that had given the Bloody Keep its name. A thousand years before, the sons of the River King had been slaughtered here, hacked to bits in their beds so that pieces of their bodies might be sent back to their father on the mainland.
But Greyjoys were not murdered in Pyke except once in a great while by their brothers, and his brothers were both dead.
Lysa's speech with its reference to her abortion and to the Red Wedding (and to stink-breath like Sylas's) isn't the only (or even the main) way Petyr's homecoming chapter refracts those images from Theon's homecoming, though.
Littlefinger is himself a kind of River King (as Lord Paramount of the Trident), right? And note that we read all about his "slaughtered" "sons" just before he enters the tower, wherein we then see the foul betrayers who murdered their 'brothers'. I'm talking, of course, about his sheep and his sheepdogs:
"How many sheep do I have at present, Kella?"
… "Three and twenty, m'lord. There was nine and twenty, but Bryen's dogs killed one and we butchered some others and salted down the meat."
"Ah, cold salt mutton. I must be home.…" … "Come, let's see if my hall is as dreary as I recall." … A handful of sheep were wandering about the base of the flint tower…. …
Within, the tower seemed even smaller. An open stone stair wound round the inside wall, from undercroft to roof. Each floor was but a single room. The servants lived and slept in the kitchen at ground level, sharing the space with a huge brindled mastiff and a half-dozen sheep-dogs.
Note the kitchen, recalling that the Bloody Keep is paired with the Kitchen Keep as Theon first gazes on Pyke:
Farther out were the Kitchen Keep and the Bloody Keep, each on its own island.
Note, too, that the sheep are coded as Petyr's "sons", in a way (a la the "slaughtered… sons of the River King" Theon remembers in his Bloody Tower rooms), and not just because he owns them. He says that Kella has lots of bastards and that she minds his sheep, right? And what else does he say of Kella, in jest? That she 'is' the "mother" of his "daughter," "Alayne Stone":
"Alayne . . . Stone, would it be?" When he nodded, she said, "But who is my mother?"
"Kella?"
"Please no," she said, mortified.
"I was teasing.
The joke foregrounds the notion of Petyr as the father of Kella's children. And while she supposedly has a bunch of bastards, we don't see them. We just see the one girl with the livestock-evoking eye with a sty. It's almost like the sheep she looks after are her children. And thus like Petyr is their father.
(Note the word "mortified". This points straight back to Theon in his Bloody Tower for two reasons: First, greyscale, which mortifies the flesh, killed Balon's brother Harlon, who died "in a windowless tower room" at Pyke. Second: Theon will, in his next chapter, be truly mortified by the realization that "Esgred" is his sister Asha, where that masquerade in turn prefigures Sansa masquerading as Alayne.)
So the "cold" Bloody Keep with its partner the Kitchen Keep and its story of a "slaughter", betrayal, brother killing brother, a River King's sons' bodies "hacked to bits in their beds" — all these motifs are reworked by Kella's account of one of Lord Paramount Petyr's sheep-'sons' being killed by its lexicial 'brothers', the very "sheep-dogs" who were supposed to guard it, and of other sheep-'sons' being verbatim "butchered", i.e. slaughtered on a killing bed and in the process surely hacked into pieces that were then preserved against spoilage for future consumption, such that the resulting "cold salt mutton" could be used as travel rations. Which jibes with Theon's language, creatively interpreted:
[T]he sons of the River King had been slaughtered here, hacked to bits in their beds so that pieces of their bodies might be sent back to their father on the mainland.
(They were slaughtered and hacked to bits only so as to properly preserve them against spoilage during their upcoming journey "back to their father on the mainland", you see!)

Theon's Honor Guard

The conditions in Theon's rooms are consistent with the cold welcome he receives, both from Aeron—
The priest's manner was chilly, most unlike the man Theon remembered.
—and Balon—
Theon pulled off his gloves. "… Why is my father not here to greet me?"
"He awaits you in the Sea Tower, m'lord. When you are rested from your trip."
And I thought Ned Stark cold.
—and they're thus part of a broad yin/yang 'rhyme' with Petyr's initial homecoming, which is warm and welcoming and full of familiar faces, whereas Theon knows no one, such that he thinks:
It is as if I were a stranger here….
The reversal is wryly underlined when Petyr is greeted at the shore by his "captain of the guards", Bryen:
"It is good to have you home, my lord," said one old man.
Thus Petyr ironically gets the "honor guard" welcome Theon hoped he'd get on his arrival 'home':
[Theon] saw… no honor guard waiting to escort him from Lordsport to Pyke, only smallfolk going about their small business.
Notice that where no one stops what they're doing for Theon, everyone stops when Petyr arrives. And of course, everyone in his household recognizes him, whereas no one recognizes Theon. Which is telling, because in a deep sense, that's all Theon really wants, deep down: a little recognition.
Littlefinger has it… but it's not enough.

(SUB)SERIES CONCLUDES IN PART 10: Oswell & Aeron; Lothar & Dagmer; The Closing Twist

submitted by M_Tootles to asoiaf [link] [comments]


2023.05.31 19:20 M_Tootles "Cargos, Slatterns & Butchery" with Helya & Grisel. (Spoilers TWOW)

This post is part of a series looking at the massive amount of 'rhyming' (and occasionally rhyming) recursivity I believe exists between (a) the homecoming of Petyr Baelish to the Fingers and (b) the homecoming of Theon Greyjoy to Pyke.
While this series/post can be read simply as a study 'for its own sake' of the curious recursion between these storylines, it is my belief that the 'rhyming' explored here between the stories of Petyr and Theon exists (at least in part) to foreshadow that, like Theon, Petyr Littlefinger, is (among other things) a scion of ironborn kings, because Petyr is Hoare-ish: I.e. because Petyr's blood is (in some part) the blood of the ironborn kings of House Hoare of Orkmont and, later, Harrenhal.
You can find an index of every post I've made on the topic of a Hoare-ish Littlefinger (including every post in this sub-series) [HERE].
Even if I'm wrong about Littlefinger's lineage, the 'rhyming' recursivity between the homecomings of Theon and Petyr detailed in this series remains, and certainly merits attention.
NOTE: In what follows, all uncited quotes are from ASOS Sansa VI, which describes Petyr's homecoming to his "Drearfort" tower of the 'Smallest Finger', or ACOK Theon I, which describes Theon's homecoming to "drear" Pyke.
As in past posts, I sometimes use "→" as shorthand for "'prefigures' and/or 'informs' and/or 'is reworked by' and/or 'finds a recursive rhyme in'.
As in: ACOK Theon I ASOS Sansa VI.
This post picks up straight-away from where Part 8 left off. You can read Part 8 [HERE].
If you want to begin at the beginning, Part 1 is [HERE].

The Myraham's Prophetic Cargo

After Theon makes port, the captain of the Myraham announces his cargo to the people on the docks of Lordport and we read about the offloading of the Myraham:
"We're out of Oldtown," the captain called down, "bearing apples and oranges, wines from the Arbor, feathers from the Summer Isles. I have pepper, woven leathers, a bolt of Myrish lace, mirrors for milady, a pair of Oldtown woodharps sweet as any you ever heard." The gangplank descended with a creak and a thud. "And I've brought your heir back to you."
Most of what we read there seems to be reworked in and around Littlefinger's homecoming in ASOS Sansa VI, when the Merling King brings the Dreadfort its heir, Littlefinger, as well as the seeming heir to Winterfell, Sansa. This begins with the Arbor wine and fruit we see off-loaded from the Merling King:
Oswell made two more trips out to the Merling King to offload provisions. Among the loads he brought ashore were several casks of wine. Petyr poured Sansa a cup, as promised. …
… The wine was very fine; an Arbor vintage, she thought. It tasted of oak and fruit and hot summer nights, the flavors blossoming in her mouth like flowers opening to the sun. She only prayed that she could keep it down. Lord Petyr was being so kind, she did not want to spoil it all by retching on him.
… "Grisel," he called to the old woman, "bring some food up. … Oswell's brought some oranges and pomegranates from the King." …
Grisel reappeared…, balancing a large platter. … There were apples and pears and pomegranates, some sad-looking grapes, a huge blood orange.
Besides the straight repetition of Arbor wine, oranges, apples, and heirs, the repeated Oldtown motif is baldly reworked by Sansa's description of the wine, which is patently Oldtown-summer-esque, per the only substantive pre-AFFC description of Oldtown, which associates it with hot, fruity summer nights:
"King Maekar's summer was hotter than this one, and near as long. … [T]he heat was fierce while it lasted. Oldtown… came alive only by night. … I remember the smells of those nights, my lord—perfume and sweat, melons ripe to bursting, peaches and pomegranates, nightshade and moonbloom." (AGOT Eddard V)
The Myraham's "mirrors for milady" prefigure Sansa being figuratively groomed by Petyr and literally grooming herself in Petyr's Eyrie after he takes over:
When Gretchel fetched her Lysa's silvered looking glass, the color seemed just perfect with Alayne's mass of dark brown hair. (AFFC Alayne I)
The Myraham's "woodharps sweet as any you ever heard" presage Sansa being attacked by Marillion, whose "voice was strong and sweet", (AFFC Sansa I) after he sings a song (about blowjobs?) called "Milady's Supper" (supper a la the Myraham-ish fruit Sansa eats for supper when she lands) during Petyr's wedding bedding:
Lady Lysa's singer launched into a bawdy version of "Milady's Supper"….
The Myraham's "woven leathers" and "Myrish lace" are reworked into the "laces unlaced" i.e. unwoven during said wedding:
By the time they had gotten him into the tower and out of his clothes, the other women were flushed, with laces unlaced, kirtles crooked, and skirts in disarray.
That it's a "bolt of Myrish lace" is interesting: After Sansa boards the Merling King, she sees a singular "bolt" from a crossbow strike Dontos, and then two more:
Lothor Brune dipped his torch. Three men stepped to the gunwale, raised crossbows, fired. One bolt took Dontos in the chest as he looked up…. The others ripped into throat and belly. (ASOS Sansa V)
Three crossbow bolts? What does that remind us if not… a Myrish crossbow:
"The king is playing with his new crossbow," Tyrion said. Ridding himself of Joffrey had required only an ungainly Myrish crossbow that threw three quarrels at a time…. (ACOK Tyrion VI)
What about the Myraham's "pepper"? I suspect this gets box-checked first by Sansa trying not to "retch" as she is off-loaded along with the wine with which Littlefinger tries to settle her tummy, as just two chapters later peppers are tightly linked to "retching" of the sort Sansa feels like doing:
[Tyrion] found himself on his knees retching… that double helping of fried eggs cooked up with onions and fiery Dornish peppers. (ASOS Tyrion X)
GRRM seems to play off the "pepper" motif in other ways, as well. Consider that the gathering to meet the Myraham and the shouted questions that prompt her captain to announce her cargo—
A handful of Lordsport merchants had gathered to meet the ship. They shouted questions as the Myraham was tying up.
—get reworked by Petyr's household all gathering "to meet" the Merling King and by their peppering one another with questions:
Servants emerged from the tower to meet them; a thin old woman and a fat middle-aged one, two ancient white-haired men, and a girl of two or three with a sty on one eye. When they recognized Lord Petyr they knelt on the rocks. "My household," he said. "I don't know the child. Another of Kella's bastards, I suppose. She pops one out every few years."
She's a "popper", then, in case we didn't catch that retching → peppers. (This also reworks Theon "popping one off" with the captain's daughter, who is in many ways reworked by Kella, as will be discussed below.)
… [Petyr]… gave the old woman a kiss on the cheek and grinned at the younger one. "Who fathered this one, Kella?"
The fat woman laughed. "I can't rightly say, m'lord. I'm not one for telling them no."
"And all the local lads are grateful, I am quite sure."
"It is good to have you home, my lord," said one old man. … "How long will you be in residence?"
"As short a time as possible, Bryen, have no fear. Is the place habitable just now, would you say?"
"If we knew you was coming we would have laid down fresh rushes, m'lord," said the crone. "There's a dung fire burning."
"Nothing says home like the smell of burning dung." Petyr turned to Sansa. "Grisel was my wet nurse, but she keeps my castle now. Umfred's my steward, and Bryen—didn't I name you captain of the guard the last time I was here?"
"You did, my lord.…"
… Petyr gestured toward the fat woman. "Kella minds my vast herds. How many sheep do I have at present, Kella?"
A gathering, and questions, questions, questions, as when Theon docks.
Recall that Bryen and Umfred come from shore to offload Sansa (who's just been promised a cup of wine to help with her upset "tummy") from the Merling King's rowboat:
The two old men waded out up to their thighs to lift Sansa from the boat so she would not get her skirts wet.
This reworks the "shorehands… off-loading… casks of wine" from a Tyroshi trader docked with the Myraham
[Theon] spied a Tyroshi trading galley off-loading
Shorehands rolled casks of wine off the Tyroshi trader, fisherfolk cried the day's catch, children ran and played. A priest in the seawater robes of the Drowned God was leading a pair of horses along the pebbled shore, while above him a slattern leaned out a window in the inn, calling out to some passing Ibbenese sailors.
—which itself prefigures the above-quoted off-loading of the Merling King (when "Oswell made two more trips out to the Merling King to offload provisions" including "several casks of wine", from which Petyr immediately "poured Sansa a cup, as promised").

Kella & The Slattern

What about that "slattern lean[ing] out a window" to greet "some passing… sailors" while "children ran and played"? I submit that she is one of several motifs from Theon's homecoming prefiguring Petyr's servant Kella. I'll explain.
Consider that Petyr's servant Kella has many bastards i.e. children, popping one out every few years:
"I don't know the child. Another of Kella's bastards, I suppose. She pops one out every few years."
We only see one; presumably the others are off somewhere, running and playing, perhaps.
Kella happily greets Petyr as he comes ashore, much as Lordsport's slattern "call[s] out to some passing Ibbenese sailors". Note that the sailors on the Merling King are likewise 'passing' — passing through:
"From here the King turns east for Braavos. Without us."
Consider most of all that Kella's something of a slattern herself: She's "not one for telling them no".
"I can't rightly say, m'lord. I'm not one for telling them no."
"And all the local lads are grateful, I am quite sure."
Indeed, something Lysa says pretty clearly codes Kella as a verbatim "slattern", underlining the recursion:
"How would you like to spend your life on that bleak shore, surrounded by slatterns and sheep pellets?" (ASOS Sansa VII)
So I think the vignette with the slattern and the children in Lordsport pretty plainly prefigures Kella. But I think she's prefigured by two more pieces of Theon's homecoming.

Kella & The Captain's Daughter

Keeping in mind that Kella has a bunch of bastards ("she pops one out every few years) and that she's "not one for telling them no", consider also that she is (a) literally 'with child' — or rather, with a child—
a girl of two or three with a sty on one eye
—that she's (b) "fat"—
"Who fathered this one, Kella?"
The fat woman laughed.
—and that she's (c) coded as a bit stupid:
"Kella minds my vast herds. How many sheep do I have at present, Kella?"
She had to think a moment. "Three and twenty, m'lord. There was nine and twenty, but Bryen's dogs killed one and we butchered some others and salted down the meat."
All like Theon's "captain's daughter".
The captain's daughter is "plump", as Kella is "fat":
The girl was a shade plump for his taste…
She is likely pregnant with Theon's bastard, a la Kella the bastard-popper.
She tells Theon…
"You can put it in me again, if it please you…"
…and accedes to his request for a blowjob, so she's "not one for telling them no."
She thereby helps Theon 'pop one off', a la Kella "pop[ping] one out".
Like Kella, she seems a bit stupid:
She looked rather stupid when she smiled, but he had never required a woman to be clever.
The stupid girl did not seem to be listening.
She… learned quickly for such a stupid girl….
She looked at him stupidly, so he left her there.
And finally, she offers to work in Theon's castle
I'd work in your castle, milord.
just as Kella works for Petyr.

Kella: The Spreading Patch of the Smallest Finger?

Besides the "slattern" and the captain's daughter, I suspect Kella may also riff on — of all things — the "spreading patches" of "lichen" on "wet" Pyke as Theon sails by:
[Pyke was] wet by the same salt waves, festooned with the same spreading patches of dark green lichen, speckled by the droppings of the same seabirds.
Get it? A spreading 'patch'? In combination with "lichen" a la "licking" and Pyke being "wet"? And not just wet, but "wet by… salt waves", when as we know from the captain's daughter, semen tastes "salty", "like the sea". It's like Pyke is being described as a turned-on "slattern" with her legs spread.
A Hoare, we might say.
This connects to Kella, specifically because of her name: Kella is a near anagram for "kale", a dark green plant, like the "dark green lichen".
Actually, the name Kella may have anothere precursor in Theon's story: "Qalen", the maester Theon asks Helya about upon his arrival at Pyke:
"And what of Maester Qalen, where is he?"
Qalen would be pronounced Kalen. Qalen → Kalen → Kale → Kela → Kella. Anyway…

Grisel & The Captain's Daughter

Something similar is going on with Petyr's servant Grisel, the "thin old woman" who was his wet nurse but who "keeps [his] castle now":
"Grisel was my wet nurse, but she keeps my castle now.
Grisel is similarly prefigured by two people from Theon's homecoming, including first the captain's daughter who wants to work in Theon's castle as Grisel works in Petyr's "castle".
Consider first that Grisel, like the captain's daughter, seems slightly stupid (but eager to please), as she fails to grasp Petyr's sarcasm and takes his derisive joke about gulls' eggs and seaweed soup as an order:
"Ah, cold salt mutton. I must be home. When I break my fast on gulls' eggs and seaweed soup, I'll be certain of it."
"If you like, m'lord," said the old woman Grisel.
Lord Petyr made a face.
Then there is the captain daughter's resume:
"I'd work in your castle, milord. I can clean fish and bake bread and churn butter. Father says my peppercrab stew is the best he's ever tasted. You could find me a place in your kitchens and I could make you peppercrab stew."
This surely prefigures what we're told about Grisel making a sea-based soup of her own (i.e. the just mentioned "seaweed soup"), baking bread, and churning butter for Petyr:
Grisel reappeared before he could say more, balancing a large platter. She set it down between them. … The old woman had brought a round of bread as well, and a crock of butter.
Grisel climbed up to the bedchamber to serve the lord and lady a tray of morning bread, with butter, honey, fruit, and cream.
Where Grisel used to be Petyr's wet nurse, Theon suckles the captain daughter's nipple as if she's a wet nurse:
Theon's finger circled one heavy teat, spiraling in toward the fat brown nipple. … He took her nipple in his mouth….
"You can put it in me again, if it please you," she whispered in his ear as he sucked.
And finally, where Theon kisses the captain's daughter on the ear—
[Theon] drew the captain's daughter close and kissed her on her ear.
—Littlefinger kisses Grisel on the cheek:
Oswell and Lothor splashed their way ashore, as did Littlefinger himself. He gave the old woman a kiss on the cheek and grinned at the younger one.

Helya & Grisel (& Gretchel)

Grisel also rhymes with and reworks Helya, who keeps Balon's castle:
A bentback old crone in a shapeless grey dress approached him warily. "M'lord, I am sent to show you to chambers."
"And who are you?"
"Helya, who keeps this castle for your lord father."
Get it? "Helya and Grisel", a la "Hansel and Gretel".
(Gretel is a variant of "Greta". "Grisel" sounds like gristle, whereas in Hansel and Gretel the witch is trying to fatten Hansel up — she don't want no stringy meat! Note the thematic symmetry as well: By treating Hansel kindly and feeding him delicious treats, the witch is essentially "grooming" him for her own benefit/consumption, as Theon and Petyr groom the captain's daughter and Sansa, respectively, for their own benefit. Finally, note that "pebbles" are a key motif in Hansel and Gretel, prefiguring the proliferation of "pebbles" on Pyke, the 'rhyming' "pellets" on Petyr's Finger, and the isle of "Pebble" that leads to Petyr's Finger.)
The two "old" castle keepers neatly invert one another. Consider Grisel's comments about the old rushes and fire in Petyr's tower:
"If we knew you was coming we would have laid down fresh rushes, m'lord," said the crone. "There's a dung fire burning."
"Nothing says home like the smell of burning dung."
That's a recursive reversal of Helya's (lack of) preparation for Theon's visit: Where Grisel has a fire going even though she didn't know Petyr was coming, and where she proactively apologizes for not changing the rushes, telling him "we would have laid down fresh rushes… if we knew you were coming", Helya neither lit a fire nor changed the heavily foregrounded "old and brittle" rushes in the rooms Theon is given—
"I'll have a basin of hot water and a fire in this hearth," he told the crone. "See that they light braziers in the other rooms to drive out some of the chill. And gods be good, get someone in here at once to change these rushes."
—despite having ample forewarning of his coming:
It was not as though they had no word of his arrival. Robb had sent ravens from Riverrun, and… Jason Mallister had sent his own birds to Pyke….
The joke is underlined by the introduction of "Gretchel" — Gretel with a borrowed H from Helya/Hansel — who fetches washbasins of water (which, see below), "la[ys] a fire in the hearth" and "tend[s] to the fire", brings food and discusses food storage in Petyr's Eyrie in AFFC Sansa I & Alayne I. (In other words, she 'keeps his castle.')

'Rhyming' Interiors

That's just the beginning of the reversals in the many recursions between Theon's lodgings at Pyke and Sansa's in the Drearfort.
Where Helya leads Theon to his rooms on his orders—
"Show me to my chambers, woman," he commanded. Bowing stiffly, [Helya] led him across the headland to the bridge. …
Whenever he'd imagined his homecoming, he had always pictured himself returning to the snug bedchamber in the Sea Tower, where he'd slept as a child. Instead the old woman led him to the Bloody Keep.
—it's Petyr who leads the way into his tower, casually inviting Grisel (and everyone else) to follow him:
"If you like, m'lord," said the old woman Grisel.
Lord Petyr made a face. "Come, let's see if my hall is as dreary as I recall." He led them up the strand…
Petyr jokes about his hall being "dreary", and perhaps it is, but while it's "small" and "even smaller" within, his tower is also home to his servants, and hence very well lived-in.
Within, the tower seemed even smaller. An open stone stair wound round the inside wall, from undercroft to roof. Each floor was but a single room. The servants lived and slept in the kitchen at ground level, sharing the space with a huge brindled mastiff and a half-dozen sheep-dogs. Above that was a modest hall, and higher still the bedchamber.
(Note that the "mastiff", which we see as Petyr leads Grisel in, recalls Helya bowing "stiffly" before leading Theon to his rooms.)
This sharply reverses the situation Theon finds at Pyke, when he's deposited not in a single room shared by a bunch of people who've lived in it forever and warmed by a hearth with a burning fire, a la Sansa, nor in the "snug bedchamber" in the Sea Tower he'd anticipated (which sounds like Littlefinger's little "tower" by the sea), but in the Bloody Keep, in a whole-ass "suite" of large but "chilly", even "cold" rooms with incredibly high ceilings — rooms which haven't even been opened, much less lived-in, for "years", and which are the very definition of "dreary":
The halls here were larger and better furnished, if no less cold nor damp. Theon was given a suite of chilly rooms with ceilings so high that they were lost in gloom. [Omitted but see below.]
[Omitted but see below.] It was not fear of ghosts that made him glance about with distaste. The wall hangings were green with mildew, the mattress musty-smelling and sagging, the rushes old and brittle. Years had come and gone since these chambers had last been opened. The damp went bone deep. "I'll have a basin of hot water and a fire in this hearth," he told the crone. See that they light braziers in the other rooms to drive out some of the chill. And gods be good, get someone in here at once to change these rushes."
A ton of the motifs here (including the omitted stuff, which I'll return to) get recycled and reworked in Petyr's tower.
Most obviously, Theon's request for hot water prefigures Sansa's request for a hot bath:
"Might I have a hot bath as well?" asked Sansa.
"I'll have Kella draw some water, m'lady."
Note that Kella fulfills the request, not Grisel. This 'fits', as it's not Helya who brings Theon's water, but "two thralls".
Note also that Sansa requests her bath after thinking…
She desperately needed a bath and a change of clothes.
…whereas Theon changes his clothes immediately after the quoted passages.
Slightly less obviously, the "wall hangings [that] were green with mildew" are reworked by Petyr's own green 'wall hanging': his grandfather's shield, which is painted with a "light green field" and which "hung… above the hearth". The "mildew" is reworked by the fact that the paint is "cracked and flaking" i.e. flawed. And maybe also by the "light green field", since a field grows crops which get milled and which get dewy.

Brittle Bryen's Brigantine, Brindled Mastiff, & Old Blind Dog

As mentioned, the motif of unchanged rushes from Theon's homecoming recurs when Petyr comes home. But Petyr's homecoming also lexically riffs on Theon's rushes being quote-unquote "old and brittle" by giving us Bryen in "brigantine" who is very "old" but not, seemingly, brittle, as he still walks watches, not with his "old blind dog", but with a "brindled mastiff":
"It is good to have you home, my lord," said one old man. He looked to be at least eighty, but he wore a studded brigantine and a longsword at his side. …
"Bryen—didn't I name you captain of the guard the last time I was here?"
"You did, my lord. You said you'd be getting some more men too, but you never did. Me and the dogs stand all the watches."
Sansa found Bryen's old blind dog in her little alcove beneath the steps…
The servants lived and slept in the kitchen at ground level, sharing the space with a huge brindled mastiff and a half-dozen sheep-dogs.
Is the brindled dog a "mastiff" 'only' a wink at Theon going mast-stiff for Asha? (See Part 4.) Maybe. But it's worth mentioning that when Theon is first being stirred by Pyke's banner and it's being battered about like the shield we see in the Drearfort three sentences after the mastiff, it's also (a) flying from a very stiff "mast" and (b) juxtaposed with a very large 'dog' of sorts:
The banner streamed from an iron mast, shivering and twisting as the wind gusted like a bird struggling to take flight. And here at least the direwolf of Stark did not fly above, casting its shadow down upon the Greyjoy kraken.

Musty Old Mattresses

The old, "musty-smelling and sagging" mattress (in the chamber that has just been re-opened after long periods of being closed and uninhabited) from Theon's homecoming is answered in Petyr's homecomiong by Lysa, who arrives a few pages later in the chapter, eager to finally have sex again with Petyr. "Mattress" is slang for a sexually available woman (https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=mattress) and Lysa sags—
Lady Lysa was two years younger than Mother, but this woman looked ten years older. Thick auburn tresses fell down past her waist, but beneath the costly velvet gown and jeweled bodice her body sagged and bulged.
—and smells stale. (Note that Lysa is on a mattress here.)
Her aunt was drenched in sweet scent, though under that was a sour milky smell. Her cheek tasted of paint and powder.
Lysa's "cheek tast[ing] of paint and powder" riffs on the line about Theon's "distaste" and "fear of ghosts":
It was not fear of ghosts that made him glance about with distaste.
The distaste wordplay is obvious: Lysa tastes bad. As for the "fear of ghosts", Lysa (whom Sansa fears) being covered in "powder" reminds us of Sansa being afraid of a "spirit" covered in powdery flour:
When the spirit stepped out of the open tomb, pale white and moaning for blood, Sansa ran shrieking for the stairs…. Arya stood her ground and gave the spirit a punch. It was only Jon, covered with flour. (AGOT Arya IV)
This line—
The halls here were larger and better furnished, if no less cold nor damp.
—is reworked by Lysa as well, who is big and well-dressed ("better furnished", so to speak)—
[B]eneath the costly velvet gown and jeweled bodice her body sagged and bulged. Her face was pink and painted, her breasts heavy, her limbs thick. She was taller than Littlefinger, and heavier; nor did she show any grace in the clumsy way she climbed down off her horse.
—but cold to Sansa and horny/wet/"damp" for Petyr.
Given that Theon's rooms are in several ways like Lysa (newly 'open for business' after a long period of being closed and untouched by men, etc.), and pronouncing aunt like antler, we also might say that where the Lysa-like rooms are "cold" and "damp", Lysa herself is Sansa's "cold" aunt. Rhyming 'rhyming'.
That "years had come and gone since" the room with the Lysa-like mattress "had last been opened" is reworked not just by Lysa getting laid, but textually when Sansa is told Lysa is coming to the Drearfort (where she is 're-opened', so to speak):
It had been years since Sansa last saw her mother's sister…"
I wonder whether Lysa crying and speaking to Sansa of being "bound by blood" to her—
Tears welled suddenly in Lady Lysa's eyes. "We are women alone now, you and I. Are you afraid, child? Be brave. I would never turn away Cat's daughter. We are bound by blood."
—might not be in part a play on the fact that "the damp went bone deep" in the Bloody Keep. By saying that, Sansa's damp (i.e. crying) aunt "went bone deep", so to speak. (If you're "bound by blood" to someone, you have a "bone deep" bond with them. Also, bone → bound wordplay?)

Braziers → Bracing?

Did Theon's attempt to drive away "the chill" and damp of the salty sea air of Pyke using "braziers"—
See that they light braziers in the other rooms to drive out some of the chill.
—inform (via wordplay: braziers → bracing) Petyr's line when the Merling King pulls up to the Drearfort?
Lord Petyr came up beside her, cheerful as ever. "Good morrow. The salt air is bracing, don't you think? It always sharpens my appetite."
And/or is that "sharpening" motif a recursion of Theon sharpening his dirk immediately after said braziers are lit?
After some time, they brought the hot water he had asked for. … While two thralls lit his braziers, Theon stripped off his travel-stained clothing and dressed to meet his father. … He hung a dirk at one hip and a longsword at the other…. Drawing the dirk, he … pulled a whetstone from his belt pouch, and gave it a few licks. He prided himself on keeping his weapons sharp.

Gods Be Good!

The motifs of Theon yelling "gods be good" at his servant and of "ceilings so high that they were lost in gloom" are recursively reworked when Lysa summons Sansa (like a servant) to speak with her the morning after she weds Petyr. Sansa responds to the summons by thinking, verbatim, "gods be good", and is then told they'll be heading to the Eyrie, which we know is "so high you can stand on the parapets and look down on the clouds", i.e. it has parapets 'so high that they were lost in the clouds':
Lady Lysa was still abed [like a good mattress!], but Lord Petyr was up and dressed. "Your aunt wishes to speak with you," he told Sansa, as he pulled on a boot. "I've told her who you are."
Gods be good. "I . . . I thank you, my lord."
Petyr yanked on the other boot. "I've had about as much home as I can stomach. We'll leave for the Eyrie this afternoon."
Seven towers, Ned had told her, like white daggers thrust into the belly of the sky, so high you can stand on the parapets and look down on the clouds. (AGOT Catelyn VI)
The notion of a "ceiling" so high it is lost in gloom is perhaps also reworked by the story Lysa tells Sansa about Petyr's "rise" to power: She says she "always knew how high [Petyr would] rise", and it's my belief that said rise has likely seen him 'lost', spiritually, in 'darkness'. (Note that ceilings are a frequently invoked metaphor when talking about climbing the corporate ladder.)
"Half his teeth were gone, and his breath smelled like bad cheese. I cannot abide a man with foul breath. Petyr's breath is always fresh . . . he was the first man I ever kissed, you know. My father said he was too lowborn, but I knew how high he'd rise. Jon gave him the customs for Gulltown to please me, but when he increased the incomes tenfold my lord husband saw how clever he was and gave him other appointments, even brought him to King's Landing to be master of coin. That was hard, to see him every day and still be wed to that old cold man.
(Recall that the motif of bad/fresh breath there reworks the "winey stench of the old man's [Sylas Sourmouth's] breath", which Theon thinks about roughly ¼ page prior to being shown his suite in the Bloody Keep.)

Butchered Sons & Brothers

Lysa continues to rant:
"Jon did his duty in the bedchamber, but he could no more give me pleasure than he could give me children. His seed was old and weak. All my babies died but Robert, three girls and two boys. All my sweet little babies dead, and that old man just went on and on with his stinking breath. So you see, I have suffered too." Lady Lysa sniffed. "You do know that your poor mother is dead?"
"Tyrion told me," said Sansa. "He said the Freys murdered her at The Twins, with Robb."
Those references to (a) a bunch of dead "babies", including two brothers, one of which was "murdered" when Lysa's father, Hoster Tully, who ruled the Riverlands, betrayed Lysa's trust; and to (b) foul smelling breath, a la Sylas, and finally to (c) the Red Wedding — a bloody betrayal of Sansa's brother, who was King of the Riverlands — particularly (per Sansa saying "Tyrion told me") as it's described by Tyrion
Sansa did not need to hear how her brother's body had been hacked and mutilated, he decided; nor how her mother's corpse had been dumped naked into the Green Fork in a savage mockery of House Tully's funeral customs. (ASOS Tyrion VII)
—are one of the ways ASOS Sansa VI rejiggers the part of Theon's description of his Bloody Keep suite I "[omitted]" earlier, which entails betrayals, murdered brothers, a River King, slaughter, and bodies "hacked to bits".
[Theon] might have been more impressed if he had not known that these were the very chambers that had given the Bloody Keep its name. A thousand years before, the sons of the River King had been slaughtered here, hacked to bits in their beds so that pieces of their bodies might be sent back to their father on the mainland.
But Greyjoys were not murdered in Pyke except once in a great while by their brothers, and his brothers were both dead.
Lysa's speech with its reference to her abortion and to the Red Wedding (and to stink-breath like Sylas's) isn't the only (or even the main) way Petyr's homecoming chapter refracts those images from Theon's homecoming, though.
Littlefinger is himself a kind of River King (as Lord Paramount of the Trident), right? And note that we read all about his "slaughtered" "sons" just before he enters the tower, wherein we then see the foul betrayers who murdered their 'brothers'. I'm talking, of course, about his sheep and his sheepdogs:
"How many sheep do I have at present, Kella?"
… "Three and twenty, m'lord. There was nine and twenty, but Bryen's dogs killed one and we butchered some others and salted down the meat."
"Ah, cold salt mutton. I must be home.…" … "Come, let's see if my hall is as dreary as I recall." … A handful of sheep were wandering about the base of the flint tower…. …
Within, the tower seemed even smaller. An open stone stair wound round the inside wall, from undercroft to roof. Each floor was but a single room. The servants lived and slept in the kitchen at ground level, sharing the space with a huge brindled mastiff and a half-dozen sheep-dogs.
Note the kitchen, recalling that the Bloody Keep is paired with the Kitchen Keep as Theon first gazes on Pyke:
Farther out were the Kitchen Keep and the Bloody Keep, each on its own island.
Note, too, that the sheep are coded as Petyr's "sons", in a way (a la the "slaughtered… sons of the River King" Theon remembers in his Bloody Tower rooms), and not just because he owns them. He says that Kella has lots of bastards and that she minds his sheep, right? And what else does he say of Kella, in jest? That she 'is' the "mother" of his "daughter," "Alayne Stone":
"Alayne . . . Stone, would it be?" When he nodded, she said, "But who is my mother?"
"Kella?"
"Please no," she said, mortified.
"I was teasing.
The joke foregrounds the notion of Petyr as the father of Kella's children. And while she supposedly has a bunch of bastards, we don't see them. We just see the one girl with the livestock-evoking eye with a sty. It's almost like the sheep she looks after are her children. And thus like Petyr is their father.
(Note the word "mortified". This points straight back to Theon in his Bloody Tower for two reasons: First, greyscale, which mortifies the flesh, killed Balon's brother Harlon, who died "in a windowless tower room" at Pyke. Second: Theon will, in his next chapter, be truly mortified by the realization that "Esgred" is his sister Asha, where that masquerade in turn prefigures Sansa masquerading as Alayne.)
So the "cold" Bloody Keep with its partner the Kitchen Keep and its story of a "slaughter", betrayal, brother killing brother, a River King's sons' bodies "hacked to bits in their beds" — all these motifs are reworked by Kella's account of one of Lord Paramount Petyr's sheep-'sons' being killed by its lexicial 'brothers', the very "sheep-dogs" who were supposed to guard it, and of other sheep-'sons' being verbatim "butchered", i.e. slaughtered on a killing bed and in the process surely hacked into pieces that were then preserved against spoilage for future consumption, such that the resulting "cold salt mutton" could be used as travel rations. Which jibes with Theon's language, creatively interpreted:
[T]he sons of the River King had been slaughtered here, hacked to bits in their beds so that pieces of their bodies might be sent back to their father on the mainland.
(They were slaughtered and hacked to bits only so as to properly preserve them against spoilage during their upcoming journey "back to their father on the mainland", you see!)

Theon's Honor Guard

The conditions in Theon's rooms are consistent with the cold welcome he receives, both from Aeron—
The priest's manner was chilly, most unlike the man Theon remembered.
—and Balon—
Theon pulled off his gloves. "… Why is my father not here to greet me?"
"He awaits you in the Sea Tower, m'lord. When you are rested from your trip."
And I thought Ned Stark cold.
—and they're thus part of a broad yin/yang 'rhyme' with Petyr's initial homecoming, which is warm and welcoming and full of familiar faces, whereas Theon knows no one, such that he thinks:
It is as if I were a stranger here….
The reversal is wryly underlined when Petyr is greeted at the shore by his "captain of the guards", Bryen:
"It is good to have you home, my lord," said one old man.
Thus Petyr ironically gets the "honor guard" welcome Theon hoped he'd get on his arrival 'home':
[Theon] saw… no honor guard waiting to escort him from Lordsport to Pyke, only smallfolk going about their small business.
Notice that where no one stops what they're doing for Theon, everyone stops when Petyr arrives. And of course, everyone in his household recognizes him, whereas no one recognizes Theon. Which is telling, because in a deep sense, that's all Theon really wants, deep down: a little recognition.
Littlefinger has it… but it's not enough.

(SUB)SERIES CONCLUDES IN PART 10: Oswell & Aeron; Lothar & Dagmer; The Closing Twist

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