https://minimalfreaks.co/2023/04/beatport-top-100-downloads-april-2023/
100 TRACKS:

1. Four Tet, Skrillex, Fred again.. – Baby again.. (Original Mix) 05:20 127bpm G
2. GENESI (ITA) – Everything You Have Done (Meduza Edit Extended) 05:39 125bpm Gm
3. Westend, Noizu, No/Me – Push To Start (feat. No/Me) (Original Mix) 05:31 128bpm Ebm
4. MK, Dom Dolla – Rhyme Dust (Extended) 05:30 128bpm G
5. Audio Bullys, Michael Bibi, KinAhau – Different Side (Original Mix) 05:32 128bpm C
6. John Summit, Hayla – Where You Are (Extended Mix) 05:10 126bpm Am
7. Jimi Jules – My City’s On Fire (Anyma & Cassian Extended Remix) (Original Mix) 05:12 126bpm B
8. Joshwa – Bass Go Boom (Original Mix) 06:28 129bpm Am
9. Future, Swedish House Mafia, Fred again.. – Turn On The Lights again.. (feat. Future) [Anyma Remix] (Extended) 05:01 126bpm Gbm
10. Anyma (ofc) – Explore Your Future (Extended Version) 05:09 124bpm E
11. Jamie Jones – Lose My Mind (Extended Mix) 07:00 124bpm Eb
12. Larse – A Part Of (Riva Starr Extended Saturn Mix) 05:47 126bpm Dm
13. Calvin Harris, Ellie Goulding – Miracle (Original Mix) 04:55 143bpm Dbm
14. Bart Skils – Roll the Dice (Original Mix) 06:08 132bpm F
15. Chris Avantgarde, Anyma (ofc) – Eternity (Extended Mix) 05:20 125bpm Cm
16. Andrew Meller – Born Slippy (Luca Morris Extended Remix) 06:40 130bpm Gb
17. Adriatique, Eynka – Beyond Us (Hatshepsut Extended Version) 05:23 126bpm Fm
18. Joshwa – Magalenha (Extended Mix) 06:30 128bpm Am
19. Claptone – Euphoria (Extended Mix) 05:24 125bpm Am
20. Enrico Sangiuliano, Charlotte de Witte – Reflection (Original Mix) 06:46 134bpm Em
21. Vintage Culture, Meca, Bhaskar, The Vic – Tina (Extended) 05:34 128bpm F
22. Green Velvet, Chris Lake – Deceiver (VIP) (Extended Mix) 06:28 124bpm Em
23. Solar State, Dualities – Crazy In Love feat. Gia Koka (Extended Mix) 03:31 127bpm D min
24. Adam Port, Monolink – Point Of No Return (Extended Mix) 06:34 122bpm Am
25. Joshwa – Supersonic (Original Mix) 06:35 129bpm A
26. Fideles, CamelPhat, Be No Rain – Night After Night (CamelPhat Remix) 06:58 124bpm A
27. Mau P – Gimme That Bounce (Original Mix) 05:21 126bpm Eb
28. Layo & Bushwacka!, Paul Woolford – Love Story (vs Finally) (Paul Woolford 2023 Extended Remix) 05:41 132bpm Am
29. Toxinate – Nope (Original Mix) 03:43 88bpm Em
30. ACRAZE – Take Me Away (Extended Mix) 05:22 126bpm Ab
31. Stereo Express – Rise Of The 2nd Sun (Original Mix) 07:06 124bpm C
32. David Guetta, Coi Leray – Players (David Guetta Remix – Extended) 04:09 125bpm Ab
33. Space 92 – Gravity (Original Mix) 06:05 132bpm G
34. Anyma (ofc) – The Answer (Extended Version) 06:27 125bpm Gm
35. El Chuape, Hugel, Ryan Arnold – Pa Lante (Extended Mix) 04:21 126bpm Am
36. Odd Mob – LEFT TO RIGHT (Subsonic Remix) 04:05 87bpm F
37. Mr. Oizo, Skrillex, Missy Elliott – RATATA (Original Mix) 02:06 124bpm D
38. Polina, A’studio – SOS feat. Polina (Skylark Remix – Nic Fanciulli Extended Edit) 06:40 125bpm F
39. Volen Sentir, Makebo – Alchemist (Original Mix) 08:35 123bpm C
40. ANOTR, Abel Balder – Relax My Eyes (Original Mix) 06:36 132bpm Bbm
41. Block & Crown, Lissat – Gimme A Bloody Mary (Original Mix) 05:24 125bpm Dbm
42. Bruno Furlan – Bongoloco (Original Mix) 04:48 128bpm Gbm
43. Kim English, Schak – Moving All Around (Jumpin’) (John Summit Remix) 05:33 128bpm Bbm
44. Mha Iri – Never Go Back to Sleep (Original Mix) 05:50 135bpm Cm
45. Eats Everything, Shezar – Get Up (Extended Mix) 06:36 127bpm F
46. Turno – Killer (Original Mix) 03:40 88bpm Gbm
47. Pickle – Crank That (Extended Mix) 04:40 130bpm C
48. Argy, Goom Gum – Pantheon (Extended Mix) 06:22 120bpm D
49. Latmun – Just Play (Original Mix) 05:44 129bpm G
50. Todd Edwards, MANT – Provenance (Original Mix) 06:41 128bpm Dbm
51. DJ Zinc – Super Sharp Shooter (T>I & D*Minds ‘Run In The Jungle’ Remix) 04:02 88bpm Abm
52. Creeds – Push Up (Original Mix) 04:00 160bpm G
53. Eli & Fur, Meduza – Pegasus (Extended Mix) 06:06 125bpm Cm
54. Wax Motif, Riordan – La Samba (Original Mix) 04:27 130bpm Gm
55. Nfasis, Hugel – Como Shakira (Extended Mix) 04:53 125bpm C
56. Jerome Robins, Sinner & James – You’re Not Alone (Sinner & James Remix) 06:09 130bpm Gm
57. Supermode, 1991 – Tell Me Why (1991 Remix) 04:04 87bpm Cm
58. Denney – Lies (Gorge & Nick Curly Extended Remix) 06:10 125bpm Am
59. Supermode – Tell Me Why (MEDUZA Extended Remix) 08:28 126bpm B
60. David Guetta, MARTEN HØRGER – The Freaks (Extended Mix) 06:09 125bpm Em
61. Nari, Steve Tosi – Stayin’ Da Club (Original Mix) 04:39 121bpm Fm
62. D.O.D – Set Me Free (Extended Mix) 04:41 130bpm B
63. Dateless – Geekin (Original Mix) 07:04 128bpm Gm
64. Joyhauser – Wasted (Original Mix) 06:05 69bpm Am
65. Layton Giordani – Life Moves Fast (Original Mix) 06:27 130bpm G
66. Basstripper – Ricochet (Original Mix) 03:45 88bpm Am
67. HI-LO – PURA VIDA (Wehbba Remix) 05:31 135bpm Gm
68. Low Steppa – The Feeling (Original Mix) 06:52 126bpm Bb
69. Oscar Barila – Miles (Original Mix) 05:04 125bpm Cm
70. Bootie Brown, Tame Impala, Gorillaz – New Gold (feat. Tame Impala and Bootie Brown) (Dom Dolla Remix Extended) 06:03 127bpm Em
71. Gorgon City – Voodoo (Extended Mix) 06:16 129bpm Bm
72. Kevin McKay, Pupa Nas T, Denise Belfon – Work (Extended Mix) 05:48 128bpm Ebm
73. Sota – Wait For Me (Original Mix) 03:07 87bpm Gbm
74. Volac – Energy (Extended Mix) 05:04 127bpm A
75. Dombresky – IRLY (I Really Love You) (Extended Mix) 05:23 127bpm Cm
76. Martin Ikin – Oscill8 (Extended Mix) 05:16 128bpm Gb
77. Darmon, Eran Hersh, BLOND:ISH, Madonna – Sorry (with Madonna) (Original Mix) 02:41 124bpm C
78. Robbie Doherty – It’s My Beat (Extended Mix) 06:33 130bpm Ebm
79. Yotto, Something Good – Rhythm (Of The Night) (Extended Mix) 06:36 122bpm Fm
80. Benny Page, Dope Ammo, Cat Mctigue – I Need Your Loving (Bladerunner Remix) 05:36 88bpm Dbm
81. TC – Tap Ho (Formula Remix) 04:18 90bpm Gb
82. Eden Shalev – Papi (Bhabi) (Original Mix) 05:46 119bpm Cm
83. TECH IT DEEP – Maria Maria (Extended Mix) 06:09 128bpm Dm
84. Volen Sentir, Makebo – Into The Stars (Original Mix) 07:00 120bpm G
85. Hannah Laing – Get Busy (Extended) 05:57 140bpm Gb
86. Ryan Nichols – Insane (Extended Mix) 05:27 127bpm G
87. Sub Focus, ACO – Vibration (One More Time) (Original Mix) 04:02 87bpm Cm
88. Josh Wink – Higher State Of Consciousness (Damian Lazarus Re Shape) 06:12 124bpm G
89. Space 92 – Cooper (Original Mix) 05:56 132bpm Ab
90. Kevin de Vries – Pegasus (Original Mix) 06:52 125bpm Gm
91. Yet More – Erotic Trip (Original Mix) 05:32 124bpm Em
92. Jamek Ortega, JUNO (DE) – Ojos Verdes (Original Mix) 05:27 121bpm Cm
93. Kanine – Take Me Up (Original Mix) 03:35 87bpm Bbm
94. Ragie Ban – My Bank (Original Mix) 06:16 128bpm Gbm
95. The Blessed Madonna, Fred again.. – Marea (we’ve lost dancing) (Original Mix) 04:45 123bpm Fm
96. Lil Wayne, SIDEPIECE – A Milli (SIDEPIECE Extended Mix) 03:30 128bpm Ab
97. Mau P – Drugs From Amsterdam (Original Mix) 05:23 125bpm Eb
98. Paluma – Rapture (Kevin McKay Extended ViP) 06:07 126bpm Bbm
99. Borai & Denham Audio – Make Me (Extended) 04:59 130bpm Bbm
100. Francis Mercier, Idd Aziz, Nitefreak – Kamili (Extended) 06:26 120bpm Am
     DOWNLOAD NiTROFLARE / FileCat SIZE 1.26GB
     

part 1: net worth
positive net worth

category	#shesworthsomething
💹 15,700	Roth IRA, not much but it’s honest work. I wasn’t able to contribute last year but sent $1400 this month. Don’t think I will max this year but will do what I can.
📱 1,400	457, not even sure why I contribute to this ($50/paycheck)
📈 25,100	Pension – cash value not super relevant here. 11% mandated contribution
💰 7,100	checking
🤑 3,000	HYSA @ 4.25%
➕ 52,300	we keep it positive around here

debt

category	oops, she’s in debt again
💷 -45,203	Private student loan @ 4.79%, paid biweekly but sending extra $
💸 -72,957	Undergrad Stafford + grad @ 5.2%. halfway done with PSLF!
➖ 118,160	😬 (but it looks worse on paper!)

casita

category	ah, but what about the house?
🏡 362,000	Purchase price, spring 2022, ginormous (income-restricted) condo
💸 -317,026.81	Mortgage #1 balance @ 2.75%
♊ -23,431.95	Mortgage #2 balance @ 0%, down-payment assistance paid in full at end of mortgage or resale
➕ 21,541.24	Equity including both mortgages, since not including #2 feels disingenuous

NET WORTH: -45,672.46
part 2: income
Nothing exciting here as a public school teacher. My salary is fixed and the entire internet can figure out exactly how much I make. Next year I will apply to be a new teacher mentor to move over a lane (6% raise while I do the job). We won a great raise in our last contract so we can finally be paid almost as much as everyone around us!
This is my 5th year teaching but am on step 6 of 11 due to a full year internship.
read my paycheck and weep
pay schedule: 24 paychecks a year (NOT 26), biweekly Fridays with the exception of holidays and the final day of school, where you receive paychecks 22, 23, 24 and are expected to make that last late June through early September
each paycheck is different, so let’s do paycheck #1

💹 2,935.83	gross
💊 -37.14	medicare (but not SS)
👩🏼‍⚕️ -325.65	PPO, I get sick often and in unexpected places
🦷 -42.97	dental
👓 -5.91	vision
📱 -50	457 contribution
🚕 -184.19	federal withholding
🚖 -114.32	state withholding
📈 -322.94	pension withholding
➕ 1,852.71	behold, how little of my take home I get to actually enjoy

Now paycheck #2

💹 2,935.83	gross
💊 -48.01	medicare (but not SS)
📱 -50	457 contribution
🚕 -323.86	federal withholding
🚖 -151.79	state withholding
📈 -322.94	pension withholding
💪🏼 -87	union power, baby
➕ 1,952.23	Also known at work as “the good paycheck”

For those keeping track at home, my monthly gross is typically 5,871.66 and my net is typically 3,804.94
Why typically?

• If we have 3 paychecks in a month: enjoy the big fat no medical or union deduction!
• …unless it’s April onwards, when they deduct health insurance from EVERY paycheck to cover your summer months (we call it double deduction season)
• in December we get a premium holiday (1/2 medical deduction)
• I also run an outdoors club at work, which I am paid $35/hr when I run the club and additional pay for certain trips (last month I was paid $375 alone for our annual weekend overnight before vacation). This can be wildly inconsistent but let’s just say I have an extra $100-150 to play with each month.

part 3: please enjoy my emoji'd YNAB categories

category 💲	PAY DEM BILLZ
🏡 1343.38	Putting the PIT in mortgage…or something like that. The other I is paid separately
⛲ 167	HOA
🔐 68.16	Was not required to have insurance at closing. Don’t be stupid like me.
🎓 0	fed loans, thanks Grandpa Joe. I think this will be about $250/m when it starts up again. PSLF date late 2028
⛽ 31	YNAB tells me this is my average since moving to my house. Grateful to have big windows and a “put a sweater on” childhood upbringing – touched the heat twice this year
🔌 50	Averaged to include spicy hot summer months (it was 34 this month)
💻 39.95	interwebs
🏫 412.92	Private loan, paid biweekly (so if it’s a rare 3 payment month it’s more). The minimum monthly payment is something like $316, but I’m sending an extra $50 to get some benefit from the power of compound interest. 4.79% is not a make or break rate. Payoff 2034 but hope this can happen sooner.
📰 12.50	NYT Academic rate
🚊 90	Monthly pass
🍿 15.99	Somebody needs to pay the HBO Max
➖ 2234.43	Assigned this month

⭐

category 💲	important semi-regular expenses
🎁 20	Averaged gifts and donations, we have a special scholarship at work
⛲ 167	HOA
👗 0	I haven’t bought new clothes in a while and it’s starting to show.
🤸🏼‍♀️ 85	trampoline class
👩🏼‍⚕️ 60	YNAB tells me my average is 60/mo, but this is overinflated due to an MRI in November that I will only have to do once more time. I’m usually at the urgent care or a specialist doctor 1x/month (this month: a UTI), so it’s more like 30
🪑 40	Hard to quantify. Since I moved in, I had a free couch moved ($200), bought a very nice TV ($750), a vacuum ($250), filters for vacuum ($30), and the world’s nicest washer ($1900). So YNAB is telling me a horrifying $400/mo, but let’s call it 40 going forward
🌷 0	I was a good urban balcony gardener, but no balcony. Waiting for a community garden spot, hopefully next year
🍉 250	Includes booze and small household things (TP, paper towels, dish soap)
🥾 30	Am avid hiker and rollerblader. Averaged cost of trip incidentals like carpool or snacks, admission to roller rink
💊 55	3 lifesaving medicines (25/mo + 10/mo + 30 as needed) + 10 for whatever medicine needed for illness of the month (10 for antibiotics this month). Every year I get a new epi-pen for 10 or 30. This month was more like 85 because my pharmacy accidentally sent me a med I have plenty of.
➖ 500	rough guesstimate

⭐

monthly 💲	annual 💲	annual expenses (save early, save often)
🤑 3.95	🕛47.33	Splitting YNAB with a friend on the new family plan
💇🏼‍♀️ 22.50	🕛 270	2x curly haircuts a year (cut + tip)
🩰 127.78	🕛 1150	Pair of opening weekend orchestra tickets + donor perks + volunteer dues
🌴 55	🕛 650	My part of family vacation with parents
🕶 33.33	🕛 400	Annual eye visit (exam + contact fitting + 12 months contacts)
📦 11.59	🕛 139	prime shipping, no car in a store desert + my mom likes videos
🎄 50	🕛 600	I love Christmas
💸 ?	🕛 6500	Roth IRA, we’re getting aspirational. I sent $1400 this month because it was a 3 paycheck month. Going to try to max and see how far I get.
🦷 86.35	🕛 2250	Saving ½ of estimated costs for Invisalign – never had braces as a kid and now my teeth are pretty bad. Hoping to start May 2024. There is unfortunately no savings for paying everything upfront so I’m saving ½ now and expecting a monthly payment around 150/mo during the treatment.
➖390.50	🕛 4,686	Ignoring the Roth IRA

⭐

category 💲	very big savings
🌆 428.57	3k goal by August 2023 (current balance: 850), “No August pay” – we don’t get paid in August and the first week of September so setting aside money specifically for this without feeling guilty for draining my emergency fund
🕐 300	(181.82 since I’m ahead) Homeowner’s 1% Warchest, it’s exactly what it sounds like. For any and all home expenses (things breaking or projects). Current balance: 2k
🛑 140.91	Building back EF, goal is 3k by December 2023 (current balance: 1.7k). I know this is low but my job is hilariously stable. I will try to add another month in 2024.

⭐

category 💲	fun money!
💻 50	Laptop replacement, just chucking money in there. I’d like to buy a Lenovo IdeaPad Duet 5i since I love the 2 in 1 form factor. Currently have 100/600
🚝 70 (paused)	Travel fund contribution, but full at 350. BFF getting married in VT in August so hoping to turn it into a girl’s weekend with another BFF
🎮 65 (paused)	General video game fund – keep it topped up at 65 in case a new game drops OR if multiple games go on sale. I try to only buy games on deep sale
🎮 12.99	Final Fantasy XIV sub, I’ll retire someday
👯‍♀️ 50	Anything with friends, including eating out with them. usually 100 in the summer
🍦 30	“eating out” aka solo treats for myself (breakfast at dunks, small treats)
🎊 10	events happening that we want to go to not already covered, averaged.
➖ 202.99	Not including travel and video games since that’s topped up

If you add up the categories, I’m in the red and I’m well aware of it – not for much longer though, as I’m saving really aggressively. 😊
part 4: el diario
Day 1 – Saturday

🌅 gotta get dad to the ballet! 4.80
👯‍♀️ brunch with daddy-o before the ballet, I provide the tickets but he pays for brunch. his wallet is hurting because he only just got paid at his new job, so I kick in 20
👀 because brunch is attached to a swanky hotel and it’s PAX east wknd. 0 for free entertainment
🥤 my father requests a water bottle before the show. 6
🩰 don q, my 3rd time and dad’s 1st. Very good, but very long. 0 because these are volunteer comps
🚊 & 👋🏼
🧼 the casita before the week starts

total: 30.80
Day 2 – Sunday

💤 lazy Sunday morning (dw, I’m still up at 6). Read the NYT cover to cover then play 🎮
🚊 meeting a friend of a friend to help her do taxes but I’m early
📖 it’s gorgeous out so I photosynthesize in the BPL courtyard with my book club book
⛔ the wifi is too slow for us to do taxes so we pack up and 🚶🏼‍♀️ down newbury st until we settle at trident
👯‍♀️ I supervise her taxes, and eat a late lunch (grilled cheese w/ avo and tomato). 22.15
🍉 make the mistake of dragging this poor girl with me to the postage stamp sized TJ’s. and it’s 5:15. one does not shop here so much as get in line at the beginning & pick what you want as you go. a tall person fetches me frozen arepas. I come in right on budget so I’m pleased. 57.52
👋🏼 & 🚊 home to plan my week and decompress with 🎮 and 📖

Total: 79.67
Day 3 – Monday

🌅 it’s just before 6 and birds are happy, but now I am taking the 🚍 to work
🌉 stuck on the bus with my BOSS because a 🚢 is passing through the drawbridge. at least we can now fill out 90 second walk from the bus to dunks with acceptable new england small talk subjects (weather, transit, and sports) before she dips to get coffee
😡 the youth, because tomorrow & wednesday are standardized testing. sorry kids, I don’t make the schedule!
🙏🏼 “my plan is to read the questions carefully and ask God to help me know” – A+ testing strategy
✌🏼 2:30 and on my way home
🤸🏼‍♀️ take the 🚊 to go to bounce (0, see monthly expenses) and catch up with bounce buddy M.
🚶🏼‍♀️ walk with M. to the 🚊, go home for 🍜, 🚿, 📖, 🎮

Total: 0
Day 4 – Tuesday

🌅 hello, happy birds as I walk to the 🚍
🔥 the computers are not charged for testing. teenagers have been divested of all electronics and are not allowed to talk to each other. mayhem approaching in 3 … 2 … 1 …
🤬 nonstatus (male) colleague uses a work group text thread to refer to an unknown female colleague as the b-word. mayhem continues
❓ 2 hour (!) meeting after work due to snow day cancellations. male colleague doubles down on his comment before storming out. brain is mush
🚍 I remember nothing
🔐 as I am politely informed by my e-mail 68.16
👩🏼‍🍳 white bean & tomato stew & watch abbott elementary because it’s cathartic
🗣📕 ballet book club on zoom! we just finished a book about martha graham so we talk about it (I’m hosting next time about james whiteside)

total: 68.16
Day 5 – Wednesday

🌅 please go away, very loud mourning dove
🍎 computers are charged, the youth are not. Mr. Insult has decided not to come to work today (probably for the best?)
🤬 is there something in the water?! another nonstatus teacher informs me that two of my students are talking to each other in the hallway and are not following her instructions which tbh is a day that ends in Y. important context: her instruction is in English and they only understand Spanish. I send them back to their testing rooms and she says, “when students ignore me and continue to speak in a language they know I don’t understand, they are being assholes” UM! GOODBYE!!!
😡 before I say something I regret I turn heel and inform my boss of this interaction. she takes a breath and thanks me for letting her know
😤 this is me taking a calming inhale / exhale before returning to staring at children
🏹 when I am proctoring (read: not allowed to read, grade, do work, browse the interweb), I like to imagine how the hunger games would go down if these kids were in it. the odds are in this room’s favor overall.
👩🏼‍🏫 these miserable youth are forced into a half day of classes, so we conference about grades and I let them have some free time
🏕 run weekly outdoors club for the youth. one student informs me a teacher refuses to sign a permission slip & doesn’t know why. make mental note to find this person and politely inquire. students make a great poster of images from our last trip and practice map skills
✌🏼 at 3:30 to get the 🚂 to then get on the 🚊 to go to 🤸🏼‍♀️ … it sounds awful but it all goes pleasantly smoothly, especially given how the T has been. class is great, lots of one-legged kicking on the trampoline. this is my 2nd week in a row of going from 2x class a week to 3x and it’s a tough adjustment. 0
🚶🏼‍♀️ to the 🚊 with M., who can’t make it to class on Friday – sad!
💊 the medicine I didn’t ask for but keeps coming has arrived. Note to self to call pharmacy and ask them to stop, but says 0 refills. Not a total waste because I KNOW I will get bronchitis again & need this. 10
🍿 paid for to keep my mother happy 15.99
🍴 eat leftover stew and 📞 my mother and best friend T. to debrief this very strange day
🎮 and 📖 before bed

Total: 25.99
Day 6 – Thursday

🌅 ahoy! Run into coworker D. on the 🚍 who gets coffee at dunks. I am feeling weak and acquire some 🥑🍞 3.69
🤝🏼 find this teacher who refuses to sign permission slip (who is also new). his reasons are very valid and we agree on conditions the student needs to fulfill to attend trip. hooray, adults being civil!
🤬 that’s it, something is in the water. two best friends in 3rd hour begin a heated verbal altercation about … a girl? in the middle of my class?? One kid takes off so I call security to let them know he would benefit from a check-in. the other student begins texting threats to his buddy and goes off on me when I tell him to stop. what is happening?!
👼🏼 boy returns with security at end of class, so I walk him to dean to process. 35 minutes later dean says everything is gucci and no more problems. hormones, man.
✌🏼 please get me out of here
💻 bill is paid 39.95
👵🏼 our weekly call (she is my only grandparent and is not doing well)
👨🏼 weekly call with father, who still likes his new job
🍜 leftover stew and Mandalorian with my 👩🏼 (we live text each other). finally, a good space battle!
🎮 and 📖 to decompress along with a long hot 🚿

total: 43.64
Day 7 – Friday

🌅 I don’t think I can do this today.
🧘🏼‍♀️ It has been such a frustrating week (there was another incident that happened that I can’t even reference due to state law/FERPA) that was incredibly traumatic and draining.
📱 to best friend T. and work friend R. to ask what they would do. Both endorse me taking a day off after this wild week.
🎮 and 📖 along with some stretching. 📞 with best friend E. to catch up on her wedding prep and life
🤑 payday! Good paycheck since it’s the 3rd of the month, but it might be missing hours from club. I won’t know until I see my paystub on Monday. +2,183.48 (+50 to 457, +322.94 to pension)
💸 ah, but it’s also the 31st. easy come, easy go 🏡 (1343.38) and ⛲ (167)
🚊 to 🤸🏼‍♀️ to a really 🔥 class. Learn the name of the girl next to me on Fridays who also brings her inhaler and it turns out we’re both teachers!
🍦 take a nice mozzarella sandwich home from tatte 13.97
🚊, 🍴, 🚿, 📖, 🎮

Total: 1,524.35
Grand totals:

• food & drank: 65.81
• entertainment: 15.99
• home & health: 10
• clothes & beauty: 0
• transport: 4.80
• other: 1,618.49 (how I would class my house expenses)

reflection: typical week money-wise in terms of reflecting my non-house spending – I’m saving really aggressively right now and don’t have a lot of money for discretionary spending. Even if I did, I’m very much a homebody during the work week. My job is probably more stressful than most as a baseline but this week was truly unbelievably bad. Still, looking through the week and taking time to step back I realize just how quality my support network is and for that I'm very grateful.

age: 20 height: 5’6 weight: 170 gender: male (FtM) medications: protonix, ondansetron, testosterone, prozac, depakote, albuterol current physical medical conditions: chronic joint pain, asthma, sleep apnea, GERD
for around 2 years i’ve been having nausea & some stomach pain that has gotten more consistent over time. at first i passed it off as my GERD and tried taking otc pepcid and tums, but never helped me feel better & actually made me feel worse.
as far as the nausea, there’s nothing that ‘triggers’ it & it doesn’t have a pattern either, it just comes on whenever. most of the time, it’ll prevent me from sleeping & i’ll pretty much be forced to pull an all nighter. it’ll usually be really severe nausea, & i’ll feel like i’m about to violently vomit, but i never actually throw up. if i do manage to fall asleep, the nausea will get so bad that it will actually wake me up. the stomach pain that sometimes accompanies it can range from cramping, stabbing, or dull. the area of the pain can be either in the upper center above my bellybutton, or it can be my lower stomach (i’m guessing near my intestines). it’s gotten way more consistent in the last several weeks, and i’ve lost a lot of my appetite along with a good amount of weight. i used to be 185lbs & i’m now down to 170, still actively losing weight.
i did see a doctor around a couple weeks ago who prescribed protonix and ondansetron, but the nausea and stomach pain really aren’t subsiding. no tests were performed at my dr visit. the dr i saw felt as though it was a genuine problem with my stomach, but never specified what it could be. he basically said that if it’s something like a stomach ulcer, then the medication should help by reducing my stomach acid so any sores could heal. other than that, no other exams or tests were done and i’ve been using the medication since.
if anybody has any idea as far as what is going on, i’ll appreciate any info i can get. i would like to get sleep again & eat normally and go out again without worrying if i’m going to feel sick.

Hi. Sorry if i make a mistake,or offend someone that is not my goal and english is not my main language.
Right now, i live in a situation that i can't go to therapist or even can't try to treat my self in the near future. But i just need to know that i might do something about it later in life. So i am in need of external affirmation about possibility of treating myself in the future so i can stop this worry feeling in me and study for an important exam coming in two months.

I'm going to write my problems and some possible causes, hoping somebody knows it or had it and solved, so can help me identify this.

First, you should know i was always like this^{and probably got some of them from my mother} and realized these by reading online. But i still don't want to and trying not to misdiagnose my self somewhat on the way. I am not sure how should i start but here i go:
​

1. Blank and/or empty mind. Aphantasia, No stream of thoughts or internal monologue and very Bad Memory. Like very bad. I am going to i will mention these later.
2. Anhedonia? As i said, i learnt these by reading online but somewhat realising this now is kind of scary. But i don't think i actually had fun all of my life. If i really know what is it.
3. Emotional Numbness. As an addition to anhedonia, I dont think i feel or felt much emotions all of my life. Maybe except stress,fear,boredom and not feeling bored.
4. I am empty inside. So possibly having No self image and No self-esteem concept. Now i am not sure should i write this or that is this even possible but because of blank mind or whatever: maybe i have it but i'm not connected to it? I'm not sure of this one but i know that i have problemed self esteem,but i don't actually know why?
5. Talking about not knowing why; Constant Stress or Anxiety. I *think***^? i have general and social anxiety b ut i don't really know why. I probably fear of something might happen like normal people, but i dont have thoughts like "what if that happens then" or "what if she think me like that" etc. Except one thing. I have one life,what if i die without living it fullfilling enouh*.*But all of that is just a feeling for me ? I think normal brain probably gives answer to these questions^{that i dont get like actually question thoughts?} rationally or already have but i cant think because of blank mind or not being me, and/or can't remember it for years becase of bad memory ?
6. Getting to the end of important problems; Auto-Pilot like feeling^? when interacting with others.

Well, i should start by explaining this; there is kind of me inside me ? that can't think etc. Me when i'm like that is actually intellectual and ethical but is like ,being held down by the situation he is in. When i am like that i can only think^? by imagining it in the future.
I might have aphantasia but i am a big daydreamer since ever, and i think my imagination is doing something in future in physical form,or having know what is something in its actual form instead of mental imagery.
So i realized i always think by imagining saying things in future settings instead of what i should think. Like a talking to talkshow,to a friend to emptiness, to something. But that imagine saying something is done by outside me which has limited capabilities.
Outside me, is when others interact me or vice versa. Like i said in 6. i go to a auto-pilot like thing when i interact with others, when i'm like that inside me nearly completetly goes away, and i start to act.
This not something like DID, but i realize what i did in the end. And still, dont get me wrong, i'm still me and i know and see and do? while doing it but i cant completely control myself,i kinda act like what others want to not get things bad or complicated, or to blend in automaticly.
I realized that i even developed a kind of reflex. When someone act someways, like laugh, even i am not in a social situation directly. And all these things are bad because i don't actually want to be like this. But i can't control it. I say i will when day starts but in the i cant control and go tell i joke i didnt really want when opportunity comes. Then kinda feel bad.
​
This is it generally. I realized these not long ago and i am still looking for some answers. I searched on the reddit, internet, ^{because as i sad i cant to go a professional for a time}, typed my symptoms i saw on on the net to chatgpt etc.
And in the end,with some other reasons i did not tell yet, i might have adhd,dpdr. OR other kinds of neuroal problems ? But i reserched the disorders above there is some problem.
Let's say i have ADHD-C. Because I relate to a lot of symptoms i read. Also because of i probably got some of these things by my mother, Who might miight have ADHD-PI. I look up on the internet and not a lot of people have diagnosed with adhd have these things i say if i saw right. Instead i think generally does not shut up etc. Or not exactly have no sense of self,aphantasia or anhedona since all of their life.
I know adhd is a not a fixed, one thing applies to all others kind of disorder. But i can't see someone relating to me So i still think i might have it. I relate to a lot of symptoms. Like rocking back and forth,nd talking patterns etc, but it might not the cause of these problems.
So, Let's say i have DPDR.I saw people relating to my problems but i dont relate to dpdr symptoms a lot. And again if i got it right, people who have dpdr have it like episodic oand have it by starting with some known cause like weed/trauma etc. i had my problems all my life.
About dpdr symptoms and not relating to it; if i have dpdr, i probably have depersonalization, but i still don't relate some said symptoms as: Warped sense of time and space, sense of disconnection like 3rd person view or feeling like watching your life on tv, visiual snow etc. Instead everythink is 4k and real. I feel not aware of it when i am interacting with others though. Or when i image think i start to constantly move around, get up from my chair and contantly switch rooms, and i realize when its over. or stop imagining for a moment and realize and continue imagining.
This it for now. If you have questions, i will try to answer it when i see. If you can help, thank you. And below this i will info dump some things that might help.

1. I'm 18 y/o boy, living in a not a good country oand not a good place, not usa or europe or asia
2. i still live with my parents who i dont like and is actually abusive and ignorant. but i have plans for long term for getting my life good i hope.
3. i dont remeber my childhood except max 20 memories but i dont remember a trauma either.
4. im probably very depressed but cant tell the difference becasue i was always like this all my life
5. i live to my parents religion even if my religion is different.
6. i dont remember single affectionate moment in my life with my parents, mother, or anyone,so i might have emotional problems because of that but/and/or i started rejecting incoming affection from my parents some time on my life.

​
So really in the end. I just want a wholesome, good life lived with hopefully my future partner that compatible with me and die together. But to find her and to actually be able to live things i need to be a human again or the first time so if you help me thanks!!

Hello. So my story is a little bit long but here we go.
First dizziness episode:
I am currently 25 years old. I had my first episode of dizziness in June 2019. At that time, I was already hypocondriac for a good 6 months and I just got out of surgery for a kyst. Suddenly one day I started feeling the ground moving under my feet even tho I was standing still. I freaked out. The days after, my symptoms kept getting worse: constant dizziness, lightheadedness, swaying, brain fog, muscle pain, extreme light sensitivity, blurry vision etc... I felt like I was constantly on a boat. When I was lying down, my body was moving like a boat on sea, when I was standing still the floor was moving under my feet, when i was walking it was like the ground was always soft, like a trampoline.
Fortunately it was at the beginning of the summer between 2 university years. So I went to see all the specialists available under the sun: ENT doctor, neurologist, cardiologist, ER, Rheumatologist... I did CT scans, brain MRI, EMG, ECG, blood test etc. Nothing. Everything was fine. All the doctors were telling me "it's just anxiety, it's in your head, just relax". But I was feeling worst and worst. I gained weight because I was bed ridden. I lost a lot of money going to the capital seeing doctors, but also chiropractors, acupuncters, lot of alternative medecine. I was fed up. I just wanted to die. At that time, I diagnosed myself MdDs because I had all the symptoms and I was feeling much better in a moving vehicule, which was the main factor for a MDDS diagnosis. But I went to see a ENT doctor specialised in dizziness and he told me it was PPPD or maybe a mix of both it was impossible to know for sure.
After 3 months and being still dizzy, it was time to go back to college. I wasn't sure I would be able to but I forced myself and started my 2nd year of law school. At this time, I had started SSRI medication and I was taking valium which was helping me a lot functionning "normally". By doing things, going to class, doing sports, moving myself, I started to slowly noticed improvements. Several times, I thought I was healed but then I got relapses. It was really hard but I kept going ang going. After nearly 10 months on symptoms, I was nearly completly in remission in March 2020, just at the beginning of Covid.
The three years after that, I was completly normal. I continued my studies, went in an student exchange abroad and I am now finishing my masters in corporate law.
Second dizziness episode (now):
This leads up to now. My symptoms came back 5 weeks ago. Unfortunately. I was under a lot of stress and anxiety since 1 month, believing I had brain cancer or MS because I had weird symptoms. I was almost sure I was going to die. I also suffered a hearthbreak and I am really anxious about my future. But I'm not sure it explains the come back of my symtoms. One day, 5 weeks ago, I was shopping and I started feeling dizzy in a shop. Then when I walked in the metro station, I started to notice the ground moving under my feet. I didn't really paid much attention, I didn't want to believe it. But the following day it was way worse, I was feeling extremely dizzy. The ground was moving under my feet and it was way worse when I was in a still position (standing, sitting or laying down). Walking outside, I rapidly get brain fog and lightheadedness.
I went to see all the specialists all over again (less this time because I know now what I have) and the same doctor told me after a battery of tests that I had PPPD. So I started to take back SSRI medication, valium to function normally and started vestibular therapy last week. I am really desperate because I start a very important internship in a law firm. Then I am supposed to do a preparatory class this summer to pass the bar exam on september... I feel like my dreams are crushed because of this. I wake up every morning hoping this monster is gone but I almost immediatly feel my body moving like on a boat so i know it is still there. I fight everyday. I continued to go to class, to go to the gym etc but it is very very hard. I am really anxious about the upcoming weeks as I will be sitting behind a desk 10 hours a day and it is my worst position for my symptoms. I really hope that the SSRI medication will do wonders but I am alreay on week 4...
Thanks for reading me I will try to keep you updated (and btw sorry for my bad english I am french)

2021, my cousin (age 12) died because of heart attack. I remember that day ago, we we're playing on our gadgets. In his funeral, i remember his gadget having a full universe about things. After the funeral, i asked her mother to get some time to handle his gadgets because they are gonna purposefully burn all of his things (family tradition) to erase his existence and move on easily. His mother het me do it, so i searched up on his tablet.
First, i go on his youtube, saw that he dont have any youtube videos, like its just his pfp. I go to search more on his tablet, i saw a note on his notes app saying some code:
12116201516
81184 4189225
i decided to research about this 'cipher' and found out its was that basic number to alphebet cipher.
laptop
hard drive
when i finally know it, i rushed to their house (prob 2 blocks away from us) and got permission to get my cousins laptop, my dad is a technician, told him to get the hard drive and get the data and put it on a computer, i sincerely sacrificed mine to use. 2 hours later, my dad finally have put the hard drive on the computer, i realized i did a waste because the hard drive of my computer is just removed and will be put on later, i stored all data to my usb, then told my dad to put the original hard drive to it again, another 2 hours (i think), i finally got access to the data, searched on it, saw a folder named:
851216
another cipher, the same as the one earlier;
help
without knowing that name, i opened the folder, but it was actually locked by bitlocker. I moved it on my desktop (since it was in the flie exlporer) and decided to leave it. Saw another folder, named:
2052420
another cipher, this time i had the code printed and in my wall, so i easily decoded it:
text
opened the folder, theres two folders,
one named "d1514t"
and one named "15p514"
noticed 1,5,1,4 is repeating, so i tried every cipher possible and found out it was amix of word and that cipher earlier.
"dont"
"open"
decided to open "open", saw a notepad, opened it and realized it was his journal. Heres the text (i have it on my usb, stored on a folder named "cousin's storage").
2021, May 14.
Our school is so close to end, like bro. I wanted to go on the beach, not sacrificing my white tone skin!!!!!!, but anyway, i got bullied again and got detention for a thing i didnt do. I think thats all for t- wait, out meal was sooo good, i just come to forget the name, ok i gotta sleep, my parents would ground me again for such a simple thing HAHAHA.
2021, May 15
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! finally, it is my time to chill.
We visited my cousins house, his room is sooo messy.
2021, May 18
why do he have to do that? my right eye is now blind, all of my friends have been laughing on me. I know this a joke, but why do he have to do it? i could have just stabbed my own 2 hands, in that case, i will still be ok. I feel so depressed.
2021, May 27
how come do they think im overthinking? All students in the school are bullying me, as well as my parents, they think im just a little too off. Are they dumb? Cant they see? i've been suffering for 2 weeks. I hope he is not awake forever.
why do they have to do this to me.?
---------------------------------------------------------------
May 27, struck me. What? I asked my mom about the thing he wrote in his journal, my mom said that, were playing on my room on may 15, i accidentally stabbed him, and then he throws the game case holder on me, with the games, i got unconsious, they both drove us to hospital, i got a coma (serious skull damage) he got blind on his right eye. After that night, got an nightmare of me, actually stabbing him on the eye, and then, woke up. I tried to go on the data the last time, i saw a notepad text, named "LOL", i go through it and saw this:
LOL, i just broke my cousins party, that will be his BEST BIRTHDAY LOL
Finally knew the story. After the night, i sincerely tell my family if they forgive me about what i have done to my cousin, because its my fault, and they did, he is peaceful now and we can forgive each other of what we did to him. My dad burned the whole data (that cousin's storage in my usb is just the notepads) and i cried looking at it in the balcony.
What thing that haunts me 'till this day is what the "dont" and the bitlocked file has.
We have moved to a far house from them, me is still depressed, now 14 years old, i could have stopped the whole things from happening is if i didnt do a prank on his crush on his birthday.

Hey now! What a week! SPY up 3.5% and finally out of the no man’s land at 390-400. No idea how long this will last but I’ll enjoy it for now. ENVX ended the week up 32% (up 38% since my DD) so that sure helped my port quite a bit! ATVI up 1.4% with wacky action on leap calls (more on that later). Will this hold? Absolutely no idea. But the bears keep feeding the beast with puts and until they really capitulate, we could see another leg up to the 420s. No, I’m not a perma bull and I do know that technical or not, we will see some kind of a pullback. Below 4000? I’m almost entirely convinced. 3900? Maybe. 3800? It could happen, but more around May OPEX/post OPEX. Below 3800? It’s getting difficult, the longer we stay above no man’s land…
I did make some moves on Friday: bought DIS, BAC and a bit more ATVI and TSLQ right at close. I have BAC on a short leash with a stop at it’s 52w low and DIS with a stop 10% from close. I wanted to rebuy QCOM but I don’t think this is a good entry. It’s still on top of my buy list with more of everything I have. My protective ENVX puts are getting killed but at least I have a firm floor on my shares so I’m marking off this position right away. Au revoir! I’m hoping for another TSLA rally on EV numbers this weekend so I can double down on TSLQ. Everyone keeps talking about how NVDA or even AAPL are overvalued, but the king of deceit is still Elon’s poney.
Ok I had promised to share my investing routine with you, so here it is:
Weekdays: - Wake up at 6ish - Check Futures - Check my stocks pre-market - Check any Twitter and Reddit content notifications (mainly Vaz and a few folks on Twitter) - Catch up my entire Twitter feed of missed tweets since the night before - Catch up missed posts on a couple of Discords I frequent - TwitteDiscord/SPX chart until open particularly if there’s economic data at 8:30
Afterhours: - Post daily message on Reddit - Check futures at open - Catch up with missed tweets/Discords again - Check Vitards - Check WSB for 5 minutes - Check BTC - Read articles / Tweets / Reddit posts / etc - Plan trades for the next day (if any)
Weekends: - Update portfolio, note next week’s trades - Write weekly post - Check weekly/monthly charts of my watchlist - Do in-depth research if I have any - Check next week’s earnings/research
I don’t do much during market hours as I am busy so I have SPX 5-min or 15-min chart up and that’s about it. I also have a bunch of price alerts set up on a bunch of stocks, either for buy or sell signals.
As you have seen in my daily routine, I have a lot of Twitter checking in there. I rarely do any social comments here but man, that place is getting more toxic every day. I won’t debate who’s right or wrong but I see some human behaviour that straight up disgust me. We seem to live in a society where a majority of people seem to feel ostracized or victims of a system or a group of people that they can’t even name. Example: who and why the fuck would you celebrate when a struggling company is forcing employees to come in the office in person full time vs have a flexible work arrangement? Like what are those people gaining by seeing others have their benefits taken away and cheering it up. I’m using the remote example but that goes on for every benefit another person has. Like because you see other people lose a benefit makes you feel better about your miserable life? This behaviour so far away from my values but when I see that, I almost want to step out of this society and let these people deal with their misery. Anyways, not sure why it got to me so much but we could all use a little change.
Back to stonks: I’m VERY puzzled about the recent move in January ‘24 ATVI calls. I gave it a lot of thought and I still don get it. Like, why can you sell 95c covered calls for $2.50 per share when the buyout price is $95? I only see one reason: if the acquisition gets delayed again, ATVI might be able to negotiate a higher acquisition price, even more since they had fantastic earnings. But the odds of this scenario seem very low compared to the $2.50 premium. At this point I would say there is 30% chance the deal fails, 60% it goes through as is at $95 and 10% it gets renegotiated at a higher price ($100 - $105?). I mean you can even buy 100 shares of ATVI at 85.59 and immediately sell Jan 85c at $8.85 for a 10% gain. And if the deal fails? You end up with 100 ATVI shares at a cost basis of $76.74. 🤷‍♂️
Some important data next week, mostly around jobs & unemployment but still no CPI not FOMC (next is in May) in this short week. I think the market likes to do what would fuck the most people and as such, a week of chop / slight move up would be it I think. I feel 100% confortable with my port: CASH.TO that can only go up, ATVI a very non-volatile arbitrage play, ENVX shares protected by slightly OTM puts and a bunch of boomerish positions with stops like CVS, DIS and BAC. Oh, I am back in my small biotech after a very volatile week but a super small position that I already written off. As usual, I will be on the hunt for my next play but really not in a rush now as it’s hard to find either long or short candidates outside those I already have. I do like COIN/BTC and TSLA as shorts: I don’t see how these would be higher in September than they are today. Anyways, I feel good with the little cushion I built this week. Alright, let’s get the show on and get paid! Cheers!

Disclaimer: Some of these have unknown April dates. They are identified with a '*'
1968 - The J5 perform at a campaign rally for Richard Hatcher in Gary with Bobby Taylor and Diana Ross & The Supremes among others. Hatcher was the first African-American mayor of Gary, Indiana for 20 years, from 1968 to 1988. At the time of his first election on November 7, 1967, he and Carl Stokes were the first African-Americans to be elected mayors of a U.S. city with more than 100,000 people*
https://imgur.com/a/QPykxSx
1970 - The J5 rehearse for their first concert tour, which would start on May 2nd*
1971 - The Jackson 5 play at the Mid-South Auditorium, Memphis, Tennessee
1972 - J5's cover of Bobby Day's “Little Bitty Pretty One” is released by Motown. It is also the first song where you can clearly hear Marlon's voice. It will reach #13 on the Hot 100*
https://imgur.com/a/77uT4hU
1981- Michael does backing vocals on Carole Bayer Sager’s song “Just Friends”. Michael had previously recorded Sager's "It's the Falling in Love" for Off the Wall. He was visiting Carole in the studio when she invited him to join the session. He came up with such a special part on the Bacharach/Sager composition "Just Friends" that they happily offered him a co-production credit*
https://youtu.be/bfGtCjIgnsU
1985 - Michael and seven members of USA For Africa are on the cover of Life Magazine
https://imgur.com/a/ZnDLbeA
1987 - Michael withdraws from The Jeovah’s Witness, a step that normally means he must be shunned by family members and friends who remain in the religious sect.
A representative of the Woodland Hills congregation where Jackson belonged said that the entertainer “disassociated” himself from the congregation and “no longer wants to be known as a Jehovah’s Witness.”
The official would not state what the implications of “disassociation” are, but when asked if they are serious, he responded, “Correct.”
Though Jackson’s anti-drug stance in public appearances was in keeping with the Witnesses’ clean-living codes, the entertainer’s Grammy-winning album Thriller produced tensions with the sect leaders in 1983 because of allegations the record and short film encouraged occult beliefs*
1988 - Michael plays the last of three nights at the Civic Center in Hartford, Connecticut
https://imgur.com/a/g5555p4
The story of Anne Miner: Anne is a great-grandmother who never attended a rock concert and prefers Big Band-era music. She says she is 'excited' about going to see Michael Jackson with tickets she won from a radio station but plans on taking cotton with her for her ears
'I'm excited. It's a chance of a lifetime experience,' said Anne Miner, 70. 'How many times are you going to see Michael Jackson in concert?'
The Greenfield woman, who admitted her favorite group was the Glenn Miller Band, big in the 1940s, won the tickets in a Michael Jackson Trivia Contest sponsored by WHAI radio and the Pepsi Co.
A chauffeur-driven white stretch limousine complete with champagne were to pick up Miner and a guest at her home and drive them to Hartford Civic Center in Connecticut and back.
She even considered wearing her old black-leather coat to the concert. She intends to go with her 20-year-old nephew, Michael J. Smith.
Smith said he prefers hard-rock bands like Bon Jovi over Jackson, but still expected to enjoy the concert. 'I'm just glad (Jackson) doesn't wear that white glove anymore.'
The two were given floor seats worth $22.50 each to the concert, which sold out just hours after tickets went on sale.
To earn the tickets, Miner answered three questions:

• What's Jackson's current record label?
  
  • What's the identity of the celebrity who discovered him
  • Where did Jackson grow up?

Miner said she determined Jackson's record label was Epic by going to a record store and that she learned his hometown was Gary, Indiana at the Greenfield Public Library. She admitted she guessed that Diana Ross was the celebrity who discovered him
'I'm always winning something,' said Miner, a retired waitress of 41 years. She said she's a compulsive contest player who occasionally gambles on the Massachusetts State Lottery and always buys raffle tickets.
Miner said she has seen Jackson 'shaking around' on television and thinks he is a lot like Elvis Presley, but adds he 'looks like a girl.'
1989 -Michael is on the cover of Ebony magazine.
https://imgur.com/a/UeLPsn8
1989 - Filming of "Liberian girl" short film takes place over 2 days. Veteran video director, Jim Yukich, was brought in to help craft a memorable clip.
“CBS Epic called and Michael Jackson wants to do a video for this song ‘Liberian Girl’ and I hadn’t heard this song yet,” said Yukich. “I’m thinking like ‘Off the Wall’ or ‘Rock with You’ or just I figure it will be one of those classic Michael Jackson killer songs, right? And ‘Liberian Girl’ is not a killer song. It’s funny — what do you do? So again, we’re throwing the kitchen sink at it, and so I pitched the idea to Michael that we would have him shoot the video while all these are people waiting to begin the video, and they don’t realize it until the end is that he’s directing.”
“He loved the idea. We started calling people, and we just called in favors from friends. I had just done a television special with Richard Dreyfuss, and Richard said he’d love to be in it. He said, ‘Can I call up Steven?’ and I said, ‘Steven who?’ and he said ‘Steve Spielberg and Amy Irving, and I said, “Yeah!” So he called Spielberg and Amy, and then you start calling people saying you have these people, and I’d start naming names and it was easy. It was very easy to get people because as soon as you get a couple of big names, everybody wants to be in it.”
The shooting day basically consisted of Yukich and his crew filming all the celebrities on a soundstage as they wait for Michael to show up. The final list of guest stars served as, in retrospect, a truly strange snapshot of that year in showbusiness.Comedy writers were given the task of writing some interesting things for the cast to say on camera while they waited.
“So we just had two days, and we had the live audio with John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John doing the scene when they sang together, and they hadn’t sang together onscreen since ‘Grease’, so it was something to do that, and we just shot this grand stuff of people talking, and the outtakes are incredible because it’s just people talking. The song is not even playing! It’s just great getting all these stars in a room and you’re just filming and they’re saying, ‘What are you supposed to do?’ and we’d say, ‘We’ll get back to you,’ and you’d just mike everybody and shoot stuff.”
Yukich said that in a room filled with stars, Steven Spielberg’s uneasiness on the other side of the camera was the biggest surprise. Yukich used a push-pull camera shot on Spielberg, who was the director that made that camera shot popular, hence its industry nickname – 'The Jaws Shot'
“He was nervous. We did that push-pull move for that shot, and he was more nervous than I was, you know, being on camera. He wanted to try to do this favor for Michael because he wanted Michael for a movie.” Yukich also said that working with Michael was an amazing experience, but required some on-set preparation.
“Incredible,” he said. “I mean, at first, it was funny because he sent his handlers in first, and they check, and they said he is coming in 10 minutes. They go in all the different rooms to make sure that no bombs were there and there were no fans hanging out, and they kicked people out, and it was almost like going through airport security or something. They basically kicked people out there who weren’t supposed to be there, and they bring in a microwave oven with bananas for Bubbles the monkey and Max which was the baby monkey. It was like a real rigmarole, and then when he showed up, you know, he was unbelievably nice. Such a pleasant person and a nice guy.”
Jackson also had only one request involving the removal of a person from the final cut.“He called me a couple of times after he saw the edit. He would make us do some things, like he took out David Spade. David Spade was in the original cut. He called me up and he said, ‘Jim, this is Michael,’ and you think somebody was fooling with you, basically. You would never know if it was really him until he started talking about specifics and you could say, okay, that is Michael. So he called us up and he on a walkie-talkie phone or something, or he’s up in Santa Barbara, and says, ‘You know, in 3 minutes and 20 seconds, there’s a guy blonde here. Who is that guy?’ I said his name is David Spade. ‘I don’t know who he is, take him out.’ So Spade was out, and I’m sure Spade was, like, pissed!” (Spade had not yet joined SNL)
Yukich is still aggravated that the song, and hence the video, was never released in America.
When Jackson died suddenly, Yukich immediately thought back to the video and a conversation the two had.
“To this day, I’ve been – I guess not so much anymore, because years have gone by — but I was convinced when he died that he didn’t die. We made that video, and he said to me, ‘I would love to be hiding and see what people say about me, you know?’ I mean, having shot all that footage and then he died? It was just kind of weird.”
The video is dedicated to Liz Taylor, who is in fact not a Liberian girl *
1996 - Michael starts filming the “Ghost” short film in Van Nuys studios in California. During breaks, he visits his family at Hayvenhurst disguised as the “Mayor”*
2002 - Michael is about to start shooting the “Unbreakable” short film when Sony announces that they won’t release the single. The promotion of the Invincible album is over with only 2 singles!!! *
2002 -Michael’s former business manager Myung-Ho Lee files a $13 million lawsuit claiming that on September 14, 2001 Michael met him in Los Angeles and signed an agreement to pay him fees but he never got them. Michael’s lawyer Zia Moddaber answsers that his client never signed anything and was not even in Los Angeles on that date…
In his suit, Lee claimed that Jackson hired him in the late 1990s to put the musician’s finances in order, only to turn a deaf ear when it came to taking Lee’s advice by refusing to curb spending. Lee then claimed Jackson never paid him, instead relying on “charlatans” and “hucksters” for advice.
In his court papers, Lee called Jackson a “ticking financial time bomb waiting to explode” who owed banks hundreds of millions of dollars in loans.
Michael would countersue claiming Lee and Union Finance swindled millions from him and destroyed financial records to cover up their misdeeds.
2003 - Michael and Chris Tucker visit lawyer Willie Gary in Stuart, Florida.
2003 - Vanity Fair (#tabloidtrash) reported that Michael Jackson had attended a voodoo ritual in 2000 where a witch doctor promised that Steven Spielberg and 24 other people would die. The people noted were on Jackson's list of enemies. Jackson also wired $150,000 to a voodoo chief named Baba who sacrificed 42 cows for the ceremony. The article also reported that Jackson wore a prosthesis that serves as the tip of his nose
https://archive.vanityfair.com/article/2003/4/losing-his-grip
2004 - Michael attended the Ethiopian Embassy in Washington DC to support The African Ambassadors' Spouses Association (A.A.S.A.). He was accompanied by the ambassador of Niger's wife, Haoua Piatta, and Mazie Green Holland. He watched a children's group dance before being awarded the Golden Elephant award for his worldwide humanitarian efforts, particularly the fight against AIDS in Africa.
https://imgur.com/a/HEpLUIO
https://youtu.be/gFBUiPkfisU
2005 - Trial Day 24
Michael goes to court with Katherine & Joe. Testimonies of Jeff Klapackis, Jack Green, Larry Feldman & Jesus Salas.
Larry Feldman, the attorney who first interviewed Michael Jackson's accuser testified that he was never asked to file a lawsuit against the singer.
However, he did acknowledge under cross examination, that the boy and his younger brother could file civil lawsuits until they turn 20 years old, the accuser being 15 years old now.
The prosecution had called Feldman to explain how the alleged molestation came to the attention of the authorities, but the defense used his appearance to try to show its belief, that the accuser and his family were out to get money from Jackson.
Jackson's defense lawyer, Thomas Mesereau grilled Feldman about the the impact of a criminal conviction, whether or not it would make a financial judgment easier.
"If Mr. Jackson was convicted of felony child molestation in this case, (the boy or his brother) could use that case to win a civil case alleging similar of same facts against Mr. Jackson, is that correct?" asked Mesereau.
"That is correct" said Feldman.
The two lawyers sparred over the exact requirements of a civil suit, and Feldman denied accusations of encouraging the criminal action, in an attempt to avoid incurring costs involved in preparing a civil lawsuit.
However, Feldman insisted that there would still be litigation expenses.
DA Tom Sneddon asked Feldman whether he was planning a lawsuit at the time, that he referred the accusing family to Santa Barbara prosecutors, to which Feldman replied "There was no lawsuit and there were no plans to file a lawsuit. It was up to you to investigate"
Feldman was permitted to tell jurors of a previous accusation against Jackson in 1993, where Feldman represented another boy, who won a monetary settlement. Jurors were not told how much the boy was paid, but Feldman said there were no trouble collecting it. An amount which has been reported to be millions of dollars.
Sneddon projected a photograph of the boy from the previous allegations on a courtroom screen, and asked Feldman to identify him.
"He was much better looking at that age. He was adorable," Feldman said, a remark which the judge ordered stricken from the record.
The picture showed a boy who many believe bears a striking resemblance to the current accuser.
Feldman said that while he met with the current accuser's mother many times after he ceased to represent her officially, he has "never been asked to file any lawsuit against Michael Jackson"
When Feldman walked outside the courthouse in an afternoon break in testimony, fans yelled "liar", "tell the truth" and "you're making money off the backs of these people"
Feldman said, he was first contacted by the family because of a dispute over the boy's appearance in the documentary, Living With Michael Jackson where he appeared holding hands with Jackson. Feldman then referred the family to psychologist Stan J. Katz "to make out some heads and tails of what was being told to me by the family"
Katz reported suspicions of molestation to authorities after interviewing the family.
Also on the stand Friday, was an an investigator who testified that linens seized by police from Michael's bed, had failed to yield any DNA linked to the teenage accuser or his brother.
In other testimony, Sheriff's Lt. Jeff Klapackis defends the scale of the effort, when 69 investigators served a search warrant at Neverland on Nov. 18, 2003.
The large number of investigators were needed, he said, because they had only been allowed one day to carry out the search, because the district attorney didn't want to "burden the ranch and its employees with our presence longer than that," Klapackis said. He also said that there were large buildings to search at the 2,800-acre ranch.
Klapackis also said, that they took all bedding during the search, because that is where the accuser and his brother claim to have frequently slept, and where they allege the molestation took place.
During cross-examination, Klapackis said authorities did not test bottle and glasses containing alcohol for fingerprints - found in Jackson's bedroom as well as the home's wine cellar and kitchen. Nor did investigators test furniture, boxes, mannequin toys and rails along Jackson's stairwell, or his bedroom doors for fingerprints.
When asked on redirect why, Klapackis said, "It didn't enter in the investigation at the time."
However, they did test pornographic magazines. The boy's brother testified how Jackson showed them magazines. A fingerprint analyst has testified earlier, that the prints of Jackson and his accuser were recovered from the same magazine.
Jack Green, president of a Ventura telephone systems company, testified that he had inspected Neverland's phone systems. He explained that it had a function to allow someone to listen in on other's calls, but there was nothing to prevent anyone from calling 911.
Prosecutors allege the family's calls were monitored by Jackson, whereas the defense say the family could have called for help, if they truly were captives.
https://imgur.com/a/DNEfibQ
2005 - Whoopi Goldberg defends him on Real Time With Bill Maher
https://youtu.be/wwDmVnXIT2Q
2009 - Michael has a business meeting with Dr. TohmeTohme at the Bel Air Hotel
https://imgur.com/a/XEhBA68
2009 - Miko Brando, Michael Bush, Dennis Tompkins & Karen Faye are back on the MJ team*
2014 - The album Xscape was made available for pre-order on iTunes, Amazon and MichaelJackson.com.

medyo drained & exhausted ako sa paglaan ng pasensya kay mama ko na mag accuse sya sa amin mag kapatid & kay papa about ridiculous accusations etc. esp may sakit sya kaya hindi niya daw alam mga sinsabi niya. peroo haystt grabe na ang pagbatikos niya kanina like it nearly triggered my breakdown episode since im still recovering sa clinically diagnosed mental illness ko. i was suggesting to her kanina kasi na we’ll try to have a psychiatric check up w/ the same psychiatrist im seeing (since this doc specializes adult psychiatry & behavioural medicine and I have good progress under her) however, nagreklamo sya sa amin like along the lines, “kulang nga tayo sa pera, walang punto mag check up2x din uso sa amin mga mental ekek dati panahon 🤡” then inaway pa niya bunso kapatid ko like physically hampas sa ulo gamit yung cane niya kasi mabagal daw kumilos & trust mee, literally trauma kami dalawa sis ko. di nman ganyan mama ko dati pero nung nagkasakit sya, that’s where I noticed a lot of behavioral changes. i wanna extend understanding at patience ko sa kanya kasi mama ko pa rin sya na may sakit oero minsan wala sa tamang lugar at grabe na ang mga salita at pananakit niya sa amin.i remembered her saying she regretted marrying my papa at magkaanak rin dahil tila 23 yrs daw sya walang ambiayon daw hahaystt. kaya na prangka thru a phone call ako sa kanya to give her reality check na usapan pero in a civil tone pa rin then she got mad at me with the lines like “ wag mo ako sumbatin, sana madisgrasya na mabuntis ka dahil sa ginawa mo🤡” that was the last straw & ended the call agad kasi I feel my episode will trigger jud but I’m taking my prescribed pills in case worse scenario happens :((( idk what should I do with her, di naman pwede sya pabayaan kasi may sakit sya pero di ko na kaya mga ginawa niya sa amin tatlo ni papa at sis ko 😢

Ever wondered what happens when you die? Wonder no longer, and find out exactly what it's like to die firsthand!
I stared at the dark red letters on the screen. Whoever made the mod sure felt edgy while writing it's description. Though, I suppose when you're talking about experiencing death first-hand, the subject matter is macabre enough to excuse any and all blood red text or Thriller font choices that are paired with it.
I stared over at my NeuraLink which I'd left on the bed. "Take VR one step further," the tagine on the box read. The thing was heavy enough to cause neck strain if you kept it on for too long, especially with the electrode box dangling from the back of the head mount. Still, strapping on the helmet and connecting the sticky pads with copper wires running through them did provide what they'd boasted: an experience unlike any other.
I can recommend getting one for yourself, if you don't have one yet. Of course, the thing jacking into your nervous system at first feels weird, but playing an open world game and feeling the wind breeze past your skin, it's... I can't explain it. Oh, and the people that complain about the pain are either exaggerating or missed the thing to exceed its safety limiters. A shotgun blast to the face feels like getting hit in a pillowfight if everything is on default settings.
What I don't recommend, is doing what I did and messing with the settings. Yeah, the potential for porn is amazing, especially when you use some of those programs to jack up sensitivity beyond 100%. Do read the reviews though. I've heard of a few that turn pleasure into nausea, just to mess with you.
But once you get into porn, you end up craving more, or at least I did. Weirder things. What it feels like to have sex as a woman. Getting in a VR fistfight without the pain limiters. Being waterboarded (really didn't like that one.) And eventually, you end up right where I did: reading about a VR recording of someone dying. Was it real or recreated? Why wasn't it taken down yet? Was it just some sort of joke? A bunch of those thoughts ran through my head, but in the end, curiosity won me over. I did the one thing I never should've done: I clicked Download.
A bit of setup later and I was lying down on my bed (helps with the neck pain), booting into the sim. I opened my eyes and, I'm ashamed to admit, recognized the room. If you've ever summed RoHeDo45, you know what I'm talking about. If not, just imagine some creep sitting in his basement pumping out sim after sim of tortureporn, regular porn, and... regular torture. He always uses the same backdrop, though. It's kind of a staple of his.
I find out I'm strapped down to the bed - it's usually better that way. More immersive since most of these sims don't go as far to actually build in motion tracking so you can move around. You're more of a camera with legs for them. An old, bald man with a bushy trucker's mustache steps out of the darkness to the left. I know it's fake, but my hair still stood up when I noticed the Colt in his hand. Yeah, so no buildup, the sim gets straight to business.
His first shot goes into my leg, and I could feel every excruciating inch the hot lead rips through my flesh and muscle. I make sure to have a mouth protector in these days after nearly biting my tongue off once. I reminded myself the pain isn't real, and felt it slowly ebb away. That's one thing the NeuraLink isn't great at, continuous intensity. The short burst of an orgasm is fine, but a bulletwound like that stops hurting after just as long. I'm sure it'll get patched at some point by a modder, but I have to admit I'm rather fond of the bug for now.
I wasn't afforded much time to think, as the next shot burrowed itself into my gut. That spot always hurt. Plenty of vital organs, and your intestines really don't like having all their neurons fire off warnings at once, even if they're fake. Still, I calmed myself, steadied my breathing, and watched as the old man lined up the gun right between my eyes.
And I... took it off. I ripped off the headset and the pads, and was returned to my dark, but safe bedroom in the middle of the night. I heard the bang of the gunshot through the headphones of the NeuraLink which dangled from the side of my bed. I was panting, lying in a pool of my own sweat, all in all just not having a good time. I'm pretty sure I ended up with some mild, temporary PTSD, because I kept thinking that old man from the sim was in the room with me. My real room, not the virtual one. Not the first time I come out of a sim all panicked though, and a couple of breathing exercises later I felt fine again.
Yeah, I know what you're thinking, that I'm a pussy. But don't worry, I'm getting a good night's rest before trying again. And this time, I won't back out. I'll see it through. So keep your comments to yourself. Really, the only reason I'm posting this is as a review of ExperienceDeath.neur, since nobody else has left one yet despite the thousands of downloads. What, is getting killed that good that you're too hooked to write a review?
I won't fail you guys, though. I promise, tomorrow morning I'll be updating this review with what it's like to experience the full thing, so you don't have to. I'm especially curious to find out what happens after the third gunshot, aside from dying of course. When the headphones were hanging off the side of my bed and I was trying to get my breathing under control to calm myself down, I heard something like a voice from them. Which is... weird, right? I mean, you're supposed to be dead in the sim, but there's apparently more that comes after.
Anyhow - that's a mystery I'll solve tomorrow. I'm getting tired and it's getting to the point where I'm starting to smell the same burnt gunpowder in the air that I did in the sim. Maybe I should cut back on my NeuraLink time tomorrow after I see this thing through.

I was unschooled by my parents, and then moved online before being forced into half online half in person highschool. I'm now nearly 22 and have no life or social skills, and I've spent my entire adulthood so far thinking I was a fuck up and a terrible person and a burden until I found this subreddit and saw how many people are having my exact same issues. I don't even know how to express how it's making me feel, I've never been happier to know I'm not alone, I feel like maybe there are more people out there like me, but it also makes me so mad that this isn't just a my family issue, and how many people its happened to. It's very overwhelming, but I'm also very happy to have found this subreddit. All of this is so hard to deal with and until now I thought I was entirely alone.

Everything in my inventory is up for trade. The most valuable items are listed here, the rest you can find in My Inventory

Feel free to Add Me or even better send a Trade Offer. Open for any suggestions: upgrades, downgrades / knives, gloves, skins / stickers, patterns, floats.

All Buyouts are listed in cash value.

KNIVES

★ Butterfly Knife Freehand FN #1, B/O: $1867

★ Butterfly Knife Bright Water MW, B/O: $1098

★ Butterfly Knife Blue Steel BS, B/O: $907

★ Butterfly Knife Ultraviolet FT, B/O: $789

★ Butterfly Knife Stained FT, B/O: $695

⎯

★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth MW #1, B/O: $888

★ Bayonet Gamma Doppler (Phase 4) FN, B/O: $727

★ Bayonet Doppler (Phase 2) FN, B/O: $608

★ Bayonet Doppler (Phase 1) FN, B/O: $521

★ Bayonet Rust Coat BS, B/O: $253

★ Bayonet Night FT, B/O: $251

★ StatTrak™ Bayonet Lore MW, B/O: $751

⎯

★ Karambit Gamma Doppler (Phase 4) FN, B/O: $1343

★ Karambit Damascus Steel FT, B/O: $774

★ Karambit Rust Coat BS, B/O: $537

★ Karambit Boreal Forest FT, B/O: $488

⎯

★ M9 Bayonet Fade FN, B/O: $1523

★ M9 Bayonet Fade FN, B/O: $1523

★ M9 Bayonet Doppler (Phase 4) FN, B/O: $1008

★ M9 Bayonet Blue Steel FT, B/O: $534

★ M9 Bayonet Rust Coat BS, B/O: $449

⎯

★ Flip Knife Fade FN, B/O: $703

★ Flip Knife Gamma Doppler (Phase 1) MW, B/O: $509

★ Flip Knife Doppler (Phase 1) FN, B/O: $406

★ Flip Knife Freehand FT, B/O: $228

★ StatTrak™ Flip Knife Bright Water FN, B/O: $332

⎯

★ Falchion Knife Doppler (Phase 2) FN, B/O: $292

★ Falchion Knife Doppler (Phase 3) FN, B/O: $264

★ Falchion Knife Marble Fade FN, B/O: $258

★ Falchion Knife Bright Water MW, B/O: $133

⎯

★ Stiletto Knife Fade FN, B/O: $822

★ Stiletto Knife Slaughter FN, B/O: $569

★ Stiletto Knife Doppler (Phase 1) FN, B/O: $530

★ Stiletto Knife Crimson Web FT, B/O: $396

★ StatTrak™ Stiletto Knife Scorched FT, B/O: $172

⎯

★ Gut Knife Doppler (Sapphire) MW #1, B/O: $830

★ Gut Knife Fade FN, B/O: $204

★ Gut Knife Tiger Tooth FN, B/O: $138

★ Gut Knife Bright Water MW, B/O: $104

★ Gut Knife Freehand FT, B/O: $92

★ Gut Knife Urban Masked FT, B/O: $82

★ StatTrak™ Gut Knife Rust Coat BS, B/O: $93

⎯

★ Shadow Daggers Fade FN, B/O: $258

★ Shadow Daggers Doppler (Phase 3) FN, B/O: $165

★ Shadow Daggers Blue Steel FT, B/O: $82

★ Shadow Daggers Bright Water FT, B/O: $82

★ Shadow Daggers Blue Steel WW, B/O: $80

★ Shadow Daggers Rust Coat BS, B/O: $74

★ StatTrak™ Shadow Daggers Marble Fade FN, B/O: $186

⎯

★ Classic Knife Slaughter MW, B/O: $311

★ StatTrak™ Classic Knife Stained BS, B/O: $163

⎯

★ Talon Knife Slaughter MW, B/O: $605

★ Talon Knife Scorched MW, B/O: $290

⎯

★ Ursus Knife Marble Fade FN, B/O: $405

★ Ursus Knife Night Stripe MW, B/O: $162

⎯

★ Paracord Knife Stained WW, B/O: $125

★ Paracord Knife Forest DDPAT FT, B/O: $97

★ Paracord Knife Safari Mesh FT, B/O: $96

⎯

★ Navaja Knife Safari Mesh FT, B/O: $71

★ Navaja Knife Scorched WW, B/O: $71

⎯

★ Nomad Knife Fade FN, B/O: $1015

★ Skeleton Knife, B/O: $909

★ Bowie Knife Boreal Forest MW, B/O: $106

★ Survival Knife Forest DDPAT FT, B/O: $97

GLOVES

★ Driver Gloves Crimson Weave FT, B/O: $335

★ Driver Gloves King Snake BS, B/O: $270

★ Driver Gloves Lunar Weave WW, B/O: $113

★ Driver Gloves Overtake WW, B/O: $88

★ Driver Gloves Overtake BS, B/O: $67

⎯

★ Moto Gloves Transport MW, B/O: $171

★ Moto Gloves Polygon BS, B/O: $137

★ Moto Gloves Transport WW, B/O: $71

★ Moto Gloves 3rd Commando Company BS, B/O: $62

⎯

★ Specialist Gloves Crimson Kimono WW, B/O: $1027

★ Specialist Gloves Tiger Strike FT, B/O: $654

★ Specialist Gloves Mogul FT, B/O: $295

★ Specialist Gloves Lt. Commander FT, B/O: $277

★ Specialist Gloves Crimson Web FT, B/O: $275

⎯

★ Sport Gloves Slingshot FT, B/O: $796

★ Sport Gloves Amphibious BS #2, B/O: $699

★ Sport Gloves Omega FT, B/O: $656

⎯

★ Broken Fang Gloves Unhinged BS, B/O: $60

WEAPONS

AK-47 Case Hardened BS, B/O: $130

AK-47 Bloodsport MW, B/O: $79

AK-47 Fuel Injector BS, B/O: $76

AK-47 Fuel Injector BS, B/O: $76

AK-47 Bloodsport FT, B/O: $70

AK-47 Neon Rider MW, B/O: $60

⎯

AWP Fade FN, B/O: $864

AWP BOOM MW, B/O: $84

AWP Containment Breach FT, B/O: $69

AWP Containment Breach FT, B/O: $69

AWP Wildfire FT, B/O: $59

AWP Chromatic Aberration FN, B/O: $59

StatTrak™ AWP Hyper Beast FT, B/O: $65

StatTrak™ AWP Hyper Beast FT, B/O: $65

⎯

Desert Eagle Blaze FN, B/O: $565

Desert Eagle Blaze FN, B/O: $565

Desert Eagle Printstream FN, B/O: $155

Desert Eagle Cobalt Disruption FN, B/O: $58

⎯

M4A1-S Icarus Fell FN, B/O: $414

M4A1-S Printstream MW, B/O: $204

M4A1-S Printstream MW, B/O: $204

⎯

M4A4 Poseidon FN, B/O: $1402

M4A4 The Emperor FN, B/O: $152

M4A4 Asiimov WW, B/O: $97

⎯

USP-S Kill Confirmed MW, B/O: $65

USP-S Printstream FT, B/O: $69

StatTrak™ USP-S Kill Confirmed FT, B/O: $123

StatTrak™ USP-S Neo-Noir FN, B/O: $106

⎯

AUG Flame Jörmungandr FN, B/O: $218

P2000 Ocean Foam FN, B/O: $139

Souvenir SSG 08 Death Strike MW, B/O: $81

CZ75-Auto Emerald Quartz MW, B/O: $61

Trade Offer Link - Steam Profile Link - My Inventory

Knives - Bowie Knife, Butterfly Knife, Falchion Knife, Flip Knife, Gut Knife, Huntsman Knife, M9 Bayonet, Bayonet, Karambit, Shadow Daggers, Stiletto Knife, Ursus Knife, Navaja Knife, Talon Knife, Classic Knife, Paracord Knife, Survival Knife, Nomad Knife, Skeleton Knife, Patterns - Gamma Doppler, Doppler (Phase 1, Phase 2, Phase 3, Phase 4, Black Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby, Emerald), Crimson Web, Lore, Fade, Ultraviolet, Night, Marble Fade (Fire & Ice, Fake FI), Case Hardened (Blue Gem), Autotronic, Slaughter, Black Laminate, Tiger Tooth, Boreal Forest, Scorched, Blue Steel, Vanilla, Damascus Steel, Forest DDPAT, Urban Masked, Freehand, Stained, Bright Water, Safari Mesh, Rust Coat, Gloves - Bloodhound Gloves (Charred, Snakebite, Guerrilla, Bronzed), Driver Gloves (Snow Leopard, King Snake, Crimson Weave, Imperial Plaid, Black Tie, Lunar Weave, Diamondback, Rezan the Red, Overtake, Queen Jaguar, Convoy, Racing Green), Hand Wraps (Cobalt Skulls, CAUTION!, Overprint, Slaughter, Leather, Giraffe, Badlands, Spruce DDPAT, Arboreal, Constrictor, Desert Shamagh, Duct Tape), Moto Gloves (Spearmint, POW!, Cool Mint, Smoke Out, Finish Line, Polygon, Blood Pressure, Turtle, Boom!, Eclipse, 3rd Commando Company, Transport), Specialist Gloves (Crimson Kimono, Tiger Strike, Emerald Web, Field Agent, Marble Fade, Fade, Foundation, Lt. Commander, Crimson Web, Mogul, Forest DDPAT, Buckshot), Sport Gloves (Pandora's Box, Superconductor, Hedge Maze, Vice, Amphibious, Slingshot, Omega, Arid, Big Game, Nocts, Scarlet Shamagh, Bronze Morph), Hydra Gloves (Case Hardened, Emerald, Rattler, Mangrove), Broken Fang Gloves (Jade, Yellow-banded, Unhinged, Needle Point), Pistols - P2000 (Wicked Sick, Ocean Foam, Fire Element, Amber Fade, Corticera, Chainmail, Imperial Dragon, Obsidian, Scorpion, Handgun, Acid Etched), USP-S (Printstream, Kill Confirmed, Whiteout, Road Rash, Owergrowth, The Traitor, Neo-Noir, Dark Water, Orion, Blueprint, Stainless, Caiman, Serum, Monster Mashup, Royal Blue, Ancient Visions, Cortex, Orange Anolis, Ticket To Hell, Black Lotus, Cyrex, Check Engine, Guardian, Purple DDPAT, Torque, Blood Tiger, Flashback, Business Class, Pathfinder, Para Green), Lead Conduit, Glock-18 (Umbral Rabbit, Fade, Candy Apple, Bullet Queen, Synth Leaf, Neo-Noir, Nuclear Garden, Dragon Tatto, Reactor, Pink DDPAT, Twilight Galaxy, Sand Dune, Groundwater, Blue Fissure, Snack Attack, Water Elemental, Brass, Wasteland Rebel, Vogue, Franklin, Royal Legion, Gamma Doppler, Weasel, Steel Disruption, Ironwork, Grinder, High Beam, Moonrise, Oxide Blaze, Bunsen Burner, Clear Polymer, Bunsen Burner, Night), P250 (Re.built, Nuclear Threat, Modern Hunter, Splash, Whiteout, Vino Primo, Mehndi, Asiimov, Visions, Undertow, Cartel, See Ya Later, Gunsmoke, Splash, Digital Architect, Muertos, Red Rock, Bengal Tiger, Crimson Kimono, Wingshot, Metallic DDPAT, Hive, Dark Filigree, Mint Kimono), Five-Seven (Neon Kimono, Berries And Cherries, Fall Hazard, Crimson Blossom, Hyper Beast, Nitro, Fairy Tale, Case Hardened, Copper Galaxy, Angry Mob, Monkey Business, Fowl Play, Anodized Gunmetal, Hot Shot, Retrobution, Boost Protocol), CZ75-Auto (Chalice, Crimson Web, Emerald Quartz, The Fuschia is Now, Nitro, Xiangliu, Yellow Jacket, Victoria, Poison Dart, Syndicate, Eco, Hexane, Pole, Tigris), Tec-9 (Rebel, Terrace, Nuclear Threat, Hades, Rust Leaf, Decimator, Blast From, Orange Murano, Toxic, Fuel Injector, Remote Control, Bamboo Forest, Isaac, Avalanche, Brother, Re-Entry, Blue Titanium, Bamboozle), R8 Revolver (Banana Cannon, Fade, Blaze, Crimson Web, Liama Cannon, Crazy 8, Reboot, Canal Spray, Night, Amber Fade), Desert Eagle (Blaze, Hand Cannon, Fennec Fox, Sunset Storm, Emerald Jörmungandr, Pilot, Hypnotic, Golden Koi, Printstream, Cobalt Disruption, Code Red, Ocean Drive, Midnight Storm, Kumicho Dragon, Crimson Web, Heirloom, Night Heist, Mecha Industries, Night, Conspiracy, Trigger Discipline, Naga, Directive, Light Rail), Dual Berettas (Flora Carnivora, Duelist, Cobra Strike, Black Limba, Emerald, Hemoglobin, Twin Turbo, Marina, Melondrama, Pyre, Retribution, Briar, Dezastre, Royal Consorts, Urban Shock, Dualing Dragons, Panther, Balance), Rifles - Galil (Aqua Terrace, Winter Forest, Chatterbox, Sugar Rush, Pheonix Blacklight, CAUTION!, Orange DDPAT, Cerberus, Dusk Ruins, Eco, Chromatic Aberration, Stone Cold, Tuxedo, Sandstorm, Shattered, Urban Rubble, Rocket Pop, Kami, Crimson Tsunami, Connexion), SCAR-20 (Fragments, Brass, Cyrex, Palm, Splash Jam, Cardiac, Emerald, Crimson Web, Magna Carta, Stone Mosaico, Bloodsport, Enforcer), AWP (Duality, Gungnir, Dragon Lore, Prince, Medusa, Desert Hydra, Fade, Lightning Strike, Oni Taiji, Silk Tiger, Graphite, Chromatic Aberration, Asiimov, Snake Camo, Boom, Containment Breach, Wildfire, Redline, Electric Hive, Hyper Beast, Neo-Noir, Man-o'-war, Pink DDPAT, Corticera, Sun in Leo, Elite Build, Fever Dream, Atheris, Mortis, PAW, Exoskeleton, Worm God, POP AWP, Phobos, Acheron, Pit Viper, Capillary, Safari Mesh), AK-47 (Head Shot, Wild Lotus, Gold Arabesque, X-Ray, Fire Serpent, Hydroponic, Panthera Onca, Case Hardened, Vulcan, Jet Set, Fuel Injector, Bloodsport, Nightwish, First Class, Neon Rider, Asiimov, Red Laminate, Aquamarine Revenge, The Empress, Wasteland Rebel, Jaguar, Black Laminate, Leet Museo, Neon Revolution, Redline, Frontside Misty, Predator, Legion of Anubis, Point Disarray, Orbit Mk01, Blue Laminate, Green Laminate, Emerald Pinstripe, Cartel, Phantom Disruptor, Jungle Spray, Safety Net, Rat Rod, Baroque Purple, Slate, Elite Build, Uncharted, Safari Mesh), FAMAS (Sundown, Prime Conspiracy, Afterimage, Commemoration, Dark Water, Spitfire, Pulse, Eye of Athena, Meltdown, Rapid Eye Move, Roll Cage, Styx, Mecha Industrie, Djinn, ZX Spectron, Valence, Neural Net, Night Borre, Hexne), M4A4 (Temukau, Howl, Poseidon, Asiimov, Daybreak, Hellfire, Zirka, Red DDPAT, Radiation Hazard, Modern Hunter, The Emperor, The Coalition, Bullet Rain, Cyber Security, X-Ray, Dark Blossom, Buzz Kill, In Living Color, Neo-Noir, Desolate Space, 龍王 (Dragon King), Royal Paladin, The Battlestar, Global Offensive, Tooth Fairy, Desert-Strike, Griffin, Evil Daimyo, Spider Lily, Converter), M4A1-S (Emphorosaur-S, Welcome to the Jungle, Imminent Danger, Knight, Hot Rod, Icarus Fell, Blue Phosphor, Printstream, Master Piece, Dark Water, Golden Coil, Bright Water, Player Two, Atomic Alloy, Guardian, Chantico's Fire, Hyper Beast, Mecha Industries, Cyrex, Control Panel, Moss Quartz, Nightmare, Decimator, Leaded Glass, Basilisk, Blood Tiger, Briefing, Night Terror, Nitro, VariCamo, Flashback), SG 553 (Cyberforce, Hazard Pay, Bulldozer, Integrale, Dragon Tech, Ultraviolet, Colony IV, Hypnotic, Cyrex, Candy Apple, Barricade, Pulse), SSG 08 (Death Strike, Sea Calico, Blood in the Water, Orange Filigree, Dragonfire, Big Iron, Bloodshot, Detour, Turbo Peek, Red Stone), AUG (Akihabara Accept, Flame Jörmungandr, Hot Rod, Midnight Lily, Sand Storm, Carved Jade, Wings, Anodized Navy, Death by Puppy, Torque, Bengal Tiger, Chameleon, Fleet Flock, Random Access, Momentum, Syd Mead, Stymphalian, Arctic Wolf, Aristocrat, Navy Murano), G3SG1 (Chronos, Violet Murano, Flux, Demeter, Orange Kimono, The Executioner, Green Apple, Arctic Polar Camo, Contractor), SMGs - P90 (Neoqueen, Astral Jörmungandr, Run and Hide, Emerald Dragon, Cold Blooded, Death by Kitty, Baroque Red, Vent Rush, Blind Spot, Asiimov, Trigon, Sunset Lily, Death Grip, Leather, Nostalgia, Fallout Warning, Tiger Pit, Schermatic, Virus, Shapewood, Glacier Mesh, Shallow Grave, Chopper, Desert Warfare), MAC-10 (Sakkaku, Hot Snakes, Copper Borre, Red Filigree, Gold Brick, Graven, Case Hardened, Stalker, Amber Fade, Neon Rider, Tatter, Curse, Propaganda, Nuclear Garden, Disco Tech, Toybox, Heat, Indigo), UMP-45 (Wild Child, Fade, Blaze, Day Lily, Minotaur's Labyrinth, Crime Scene, Caramel, Bone Pile, Momentum, Primal Saber), MP7 (Teal Blossom, Fade, Nemesis, Whiteout, Asterion, Bloosport, Abyssal Apparition, Full Stop, Special Delivery, Neon Ply, Asterion, Ocean Foam, Powercore, Scorched, Impire), PP-Bizon (Modern Hunter, Rust Coat, Forest Leaves, Antique, High Roller, Blue Streak, Seabird, Judgement of Anubis, Bamboo Print, Embargo, Chemical Green, Coblat Halftone, Fuel Rod, Photic Zone, Irradiated Alert, Carbon Fiber), MP9 (Featherweight, Wild Lily, Pandora's Box, Stained Glass, Bulldozer, Dark Age, Hot Rod, Hypnotic, Hydra, Rose Iron, Music Box, Setting Sun, Food Chain, Airlock, Mount Fuji, Starlight Protector, Ruby Poison Dart, Deadly Poison), MP5-SD (Liquidation, Oxide Oasis, Phosphor, Nitro, Agent, Autumn Twilly), Shotguns, Machineguns - Sawed-Off (Kiss♥Love, First Class, Orange DDPAT, Rust Coat, The Kraken, Devourer, Mosaico, Wasteland Princess, Bamboo Shadow, Copper, Serenity, Limelight, Apocalypto), XM1014 (Frost Borre, Ancient Lore, Red Leather, Elegant Vines, Banana Leaf, Jungle, Urban Perforated, Grassland, Blaze Orange, Heaven Guard, VariCamo Blue, Entombed, XOXO, Seasons, Tranquility, Bone Machine, Incinegator, Teclu Burner, Black Tie, Zombie Offensive, Watchdog), Nova (Baroque Orange, Hyper Beast, Green Apple, Antique, Modern Hunter, Walnut, Forest Leaves, Graphite, Blaze Orange, Rising Skull, Tempest, Bloomstick, Interlock, Quick Sand, Moon in Libra, Clean Polymer, Red Quartz, Toy Soldier), MAG-7 (Insomnia, Cinqueda, Counter Terrace, Prism Terrace, Memento, Chainmail, Hazard, Justice, Bulldozer, Silver, Core Breach, Firestarter, Praetorian, Heat, Hard Water, Monster Call, BI83 Spectrum, SWAG-7), M249 (Humidor, Shipping Forecast, Blizzard Marbleized, Downtown, Jungle DDPAT, Nebula Crusader, Impact Drill, Emerald Poison Dart), Negev (Mjölnir, Anodized Navy, Palm, Power Loader, Bratatat, CaliCamo, Phoenix Stencil, Infrastructure, Boroque Sand), Wear - Factory New (FN), Minimal Wear (MW), Field-Tested (FT), Well-Worn (WW), Battle-Scarred (BS), Stickers Holo/Foil/Gold - Katowice 2014, Krakow 2017, Howling Dawn, Katowice 2015, Crown, London 2018, Cologne 2014, Boston 2018, Atlanta 2017, Cluj-Napoca 2015, DreamHack 2014, King on the Field, Harp of War, Winged Difuser, Cologne 2016, Cologne 2015, MLG Columbus 2016, Katowice 2019, Berlin 2019, RMR 2020, Stockholm 2021, Antwerp 2022, Swag Foil, Flammable foil, Others - Souvenirs, Agents, Pins, Passes, Gifts, Music Kits, Cases, Keys, Capsules, Packages, Patches

Some items on the list may no longer be available or are still locked, visit My Inventory for more details.

Send a Trade Offer for fastest response. I consider all offers.

Add me for discuss if there is a serious offer that needs to be discussed.

Before beginning this whole text of a heckhole, I want to mention: I am aware that I am the bad guy to an extent.
I think I want to start this whole ordeal from the beginning. I (20 F) am a second-year university student, studying an asian language. I was born in the capital city of our country and most of the closest maternal family members live there as well. Due to my paternal family living 2,5 hours away, and my father wanting to help them out, we moved to the countryside where my brother (18) was born.
I remember that around the time my brother was about to be born, I think I felt neglected and there are stories about me getting jelous over stuff with him, which also continued well into our teenager years. That's not particularly important, but I wanted to mention this, because the feeling of jelousy also came from the neglect that I might have gotten from my parents. My father wanted to have kids but he didn't really tend to us physically, nor mentally. I understand that there are people who just can't deal with kids and their world, the way they keep talking etc. Around the time my brother was born, my father went abroad to work there, and continued to come home every weekend. Due to the language barrier, which he continuously tried to close, he didn't have much of a patience. My mother had a very deep depression after my brother was born, which came down to me, a very outspoken little girl being quite annoying. My first trauma might have come from that, and also, my father didn't even try to help my mother get out of depression as far as I'm concerned, only my maternal parents (who moved with us to the countryside) were taking care of her.
Either way, I always felt that my brother got everything he asked for, while I always had to work really hard and even then I was always reprimanded that I have to take care of my brother while our parents are away (me 5-8, my brother 3-6), have to grow up, have responsibility towards my actions. Due to this I always felt like I wasn't really able to understand and get into the fun groups of my peers.
Backing up a bit, we had the old school discipline, slaps sometimes, verbal abuse sometimes, but the main things that I remember are stuff like: I was around 4-7 and wanted to play with my father. He said no multiple times but I really just wanted to connect with him and play. After maybe the 3-6th no, he got really mad and he shouted at me to get out he didn't want to play. Another time was when my mother asked me to give our dog (house with big garden, so dog lived outside) fresh water, but instructed me that the season being winter, I have to get the ice out with warm water and then give the dog a not so cold, nor warm water (maybe?). Either way, I did it the good way, however my father was outside the whole time, when I just finished changing the water he got there, misunderstood the whole situation and slapped me saying "what are you giving to the dog" or something along the line. A couple of seconds later I somehow communicated to him that I did it the right way so...yea.
I wanted to be fun to be with, to make lasting relationships, to be important to others. That's why at the age of 10-13 I got into a group of girls with whom I spent my time, etc, and also on whom I spent money. Foolish, yes, but I was desperate and wanted affection and appreciation. Someday I just realized that those same girls were whispering about me and blatantly looking at me while doing so. I became really sad and mad, which escalated into a shorter period of depression. (I have been going to therapy for another thing in the past 2 years, but recently my psychologist made me do a test about depression, so yes, the result came out pretty high which made me realise that even that event and before that I had some sort of depression, I/we just didn't realise that)
My mother was the first one to notice something was wrong and made my father (with whom I really didn't want to speak) give me a speech about how I should never think of myself as nothing and that I should just study and get better than everyone else. This was in 7th grade. That speech gave me motivation and my grades became much much better, I got into my desired high school, after which came uni. No, that experience of bullying was not in the least good, but without it I wouldn't be here, where I am.
Putting that aside, I wasn't really allowed to go to my classmates' parties etc, but I was almost fine with these during primary school. Getting into high school, I became friends with two groups of girls and I really enjoyed my time there. However my private life, my parents relationship to be precise, got worse. They argued a lot and in 10th grade, one night I was going to shower, my brother was locked up in his room, while our parents were arguing in the kitchen. I was already crying but I suddenly heard a thud, picked up a towel and finally went out to a scene where my mother was sitting, crying, my father standing next to her, one of his hands holding hers, the other one just up in the air as if trying to hit. I shouted to stop, my brother rushed out of his room the same time I did from the bathroom. It took a couple of seconds but my father finally looked at us and I swear I could see a kind of cloud getting out of his eyes. I mean I almost saw the rage cloud... I don't remember what exactly happened after that but that was one of the scariest things I have ever witnessed in real life.
Another major thing before getting into the present is that, (I am a summer child) I was 16, when 5 of us, all girls thought about going to the beach for one day. There's a lake around 1-2 hours away with train, we would have just gone for 6 hours at most. I asked my mom (nail artist) and her client where it would be allright to go, since out of 5 of us, it was only my father who maybe wouldn't have allowed me to go. My mother actually wanted to rush me out and just go, she was so happy haha. So everything was set, now I just had to call my father up and ask him so I did. He said that "I know you are a cool, strong girl, I believe in you but I think we should wait until you are 17" (literally 1,5 month away. I said okay, but later he said no again. I got over it pretty quickly but after about a month my mother told me that he actually called her up how it would be bad, what if I got a boyfriend, got pregnant and ruined my whole career and life, etc. She has been fuming for a while, but after knowing this, I immediately became even more reluctant of wanting to just not talk, interact with my father in any sort of way. Basically not even be near him. Nothing.
Fast forward, it was the week of exams, I got sick, so couldn't attend the math exam, so I had panic attacks wich stayed (and stay) with me for a long time after that. My father basically didn't even care, thought it was nothing, etc. But in the end, I graduated, it was all fine.
I moved to the capital for my studies and finally felt... Alive? Definitely a bit safer and much free than before. Like a dog finally getting out of leash haha
Depression and anxiety have been with me since childhood, but this time it got the best of me so the first semester of uni is the one I'm not very proud of. Didn't attend much of the classes, didn't study, and so on.
Now I'm in my fourth semester, my parents decided on buying an apartment near a bigger train station so that me and 2 other girls could live here. Since it's not yet complete, only I live here, but even though I live near the station, even the university is 30 minutes of transportation away, I do not under any circumstances want to go home. I'm an introvert, to be honest, I don't even have the motivation and energy to go to university sometimes. I do go, and I enjoy it very much, but I feel like I'm a huge failure of a human, can't study, I'm not fun to be with and so on. The exams, the stuff we have to learn and the homeworks are just so much I can barely keep up. Finally I managed to create a fairly good schedule when to do homeworks, relax a bit etc, but all I care about is the university with the homeworks because that's everything I have energy for.
I forget calling my parents, and to be honest, I don't want to talk with them because i feel like if I do, I always get back into the controlled situation. I get nervous, and even with my mother and brother I get very awkward.
To sum it up, I didn't have a normal childhood, always had to take responsibility and my subconscious just wants to live through that phase now. I want to be free, call my relatives when I feel I have enough energy for them and aside from that, just live life. But this "not even having a conversation" situation is why my parents say I'm a brat, unfaithful and so on. Yes, I have been brat like for a long time, that is true.
(Sorry for the long story!!)
Am I The [email protected]?

I know my ex better than anyone I know when she ended with her ex she was hurt he never came back she said it affected her self confidence because to her the guy always comes back even though she supposedly lost feelings for him… anyways for 6 months after we broke up all she posted was indirects about me I’d get random calls. I would ignore them she’d ask to speak to me I’d ignore them and then she’d send me long emails and texts looking for closure saying that she hopes I’m happy I move on and saying goodbye only to call me again a month later. She disrespected me so badly during and post break up threatened police on me just to humiliate me and make me feel small non of it was warranted other than to belittle me. So I find it funny how she persistently tries to contact me on no caller ID email & text etc as well as stalk my private accounts. She’s coming off so desperate to me rn I’m so confused.
Ps I find it funny how she threatened me with police if I tried contacting her after we broke up ( I rang 3/4 times) only for her to literally harass me now for over a year

Sorry for this long and maybe dark story too, but I really need a solution, need some1 to tell me if I am right or wrong and what should I do, cuz I can't take it anymore, my parents now don't live together, but they are legally still married, my father (according to what my mother says) used to be awful person and used to beat her ( he used to beat her that is true but the reason is unknown, and I will say why later) but yeah ik he shouldn't no matter what, anyway my mother still lived with him, and why I said according to my mother, is because my mother is also very awful too, she always tells our secrets to any1, even if that 1 is a lady in the street whom she got to talk to, the whole building knows all our secrets beside her coworkers, my father coworkers ( because she calls them), and nearly half the area where I am from, and she never tells things as they are, she loves to lie, to say whatever comes to her mind, she for example fights with me for any trivia then tells every1 about it and lie to make me look bad, say anything that I didn't say or do just to make me the evil person, and if I tried to defend or say the truth it will be a black week or maybe month of nonstop fighting, and as I said, she fight for anything,if I told her a story that happened in the school for example and she didn't like it she may fight with me about it for a week or so and beat me, she beats me alot ,sometimes with belt, and once stung me with a candle,then that time came when my father stopped fighting with her and started to follow her, and do whatever she tells him, idk how or why but it happened,, but that didn't make her any better, instead, she started to push him to fight with me too, and instead of 1, I had to fight with both of them like daily, but the problem didn't stop here, they both bought an apartment, both paid on it but she told him to register it in her name, so she now owns it, once they bought the furniture and the apartment was completed she kicked him out of it, and as it is registered in her name she is the legal owner and he can't do anything, despite paying almost all what he had on it, he then moved away but I still had contact with him, to take the money my mother told him to pay her monthly, then she started to fight with me more and more than before, and with every fight she told me that she will send me to live with my father, which I did, after non stopping continous threats, but after 1 day surprisingly she called me again, she never did that especially after huge fights, as I said she may spend a month or more fighting with me or not talking to me unless she wants me to buy her something which I always did, she asked how I am doing..etc, she then called me again to have breakfast with her, but I will bring it with me and she will pay me back that money, I agreed and started to pay her more visits, just to realize that she did that only so she can have some1 who buys her her stuff, as I used to be that 1 before despite everything I still used to do so, and at this point I have to say how my life with my father was, it was poor but peaceful, as I said my father paid almost what he had on the apartment, but he never fought with me, we used to laugh and joke, but when it comes to money he tells me that he doesn't have, and that his salary is barely feeding us, he is obviously lying, cuz his salary isn't that few, but he barely pay on anything other than food, but still regarding anything else it was a peaceful life, then it came that my mother told me to go back to her, sadly, I saw the agreed and excited look on my father when I told him so, he still doesn't want me here, but it is because of money, I went there then expectedly we fought again, cuz my father gave me money for my school (which is rare) ,but she took it from me, I told her to bring it back but her brother interfered and kept pushing me back, and with more than 20 years old difference, there was no chance for me, so I called my father and went to live with him again, he was upset but he didn't refuse, then after 1 hour she called me, asked me whether I will come to have breakfast with her I told her no, she told me whether I will come back or not I told her no, now I am living with my father again, he is trying to hide his feelings but I can still feel it, and I feel unwanted, idk whether I am right or wrong, or whether I should have just went to live with her or not, my father will be at work most of the time and I will have to spend that time alone, and many suicidal thoughts are raging in my head now, even while I am writing this.I had to talk, I had to tell any1 cuz I really need an advice for what should I do, should I have just left her the money? Should I apologize to her? thx in advance

But playing it is beyond frustrating.
I think the only QOL in this game is being able to pick material up in bulk and that you can repair items for free if they are not damaged past like 60%. Also being able to move your base around trees.
Other than that.......
Fighting is atrocious. There is no skill involved. You have to just outdamage most creatures. Some creatures you can play around but the majority have lunging attacks that track you. It's just a damage race with no way to be good or get better. It's just gear dependent and this is my biggest complaint.
Jumping seems to be faster than running. You also have no control over your jump once you press it. The ability to pull yourself up a ledge seems to be a lazy way to address this.
The UI is awful. You can't organize your inventory because whatever item you equip to your hands gets pulled from your inventory which leaves an empty slot and gets filled with anything you pick up. There is no auto-sort and the whole thing is a mess. When you pick up a tombstone you get stuck with double stacks of things instead of them just getting combined. Also why does the inventory only display like 3 rows and you have to scroll? There is so much dead space below the inventory. The whole inventory could easily be shown.
Collecting materials is inconvenient because they are mostly locked to specific spots. Take flint for example. You need to run to most southern beach to get it which is like a 20min round trip and the only other place I've seen it is in the western area near Nok but there are very few nodes.
Building is alright but also needs some help. The snap mechanic is very wonky. Why can't we name our storage chests??
The game needs a lot and I am already losing interest.