I'm not sure if I need help. I probably do, but I don't know where to start.
My mum and pops are amazing individuals, but the life i had with them when they were still together was hell for me. My dad constantly cheated on my mom. Then, it reached a point where I would have to protect my baby sister from seeing and hearing the physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. Our house was a one bedroom household with thin walls and no door, so we constantly witnessed my mom getting beaten up by my dad. We told her to leave him many times, but her own childhood trauma wouldn't let her raise her children without a father. From witnessing my mom fight my dad's mistress, to my dad moving to another country to start a new life with his affair partner, to my little sister confising our uncle for her father, to witnessing my mom's cry for help, to my dad telling her he didn't love her and so many more things my mom stayed with my dad. She would beg my father to stay with her and to change for his family his response was always the same " A bitch like you will never change me." The abuse reached to a point where my family wouldn't even intervine when my dad was beating my mom because she didn't want to leave him so what where they suppose to do. I almost got stabbed by my dad's mistress in our house property, which is when my neighbors got involved because it affected me. My mom finally decided to leave my dad because he got hooked to drugs and alcohol. He tried to hit me after I tried to stop him from raping my mom. I remember that conversation vividly. I told him that I hated him and to stop hurting my mom. He didn't like it and told me he will show me how to respect him and he was taking his belt of to hit me but my mom tried to stop him and then my grandma burst open the door and threatened him to let us go. So he did, and that was the last day my mom tolerated his bullshit. She separated from him after that incident. But my dad continued harassing and he almost killed my mom, and if I hadn't woken up, he would have killed my mom. He told her that he was going g to kill my mom and me and my sister, and then he would kill himself so this family ends and no one has a happily after. He ended up moving out of the country and got married again.After he started dating his current wife, he left my mom alone. I have talked to my dad about a therapist, but he told me no. My dad is a changed man, and I'm proud of the huge life changes he had. Nevertheless, I feel he disqualifies my trauma and states that I need to leave the past behind and that he doesn't remember anything I tell him he put us through. I believe it's because of the drugs. But what infuriates me is the fact that he discredits my feelings. When I confront him about him not helping us financially, it's always the same result. His new family is always involved that they suffered with during covid when he lost his job and that they lived every day, not knowing when their next meal would be at. Also, when he got sick with his heart, they were there for him and that they were with him in his tough moments in life moments were weren't present.Thank God his heart is doing better. I really appreciate them for being by his side. But I don't think he understands that the reason we aren't there with him is because of him. I understand some people aren't meant to be together, but the reason why my mom decided to leave is because of his actions. His wife has a daughter from the previous marriage, and he treats her like his daughter. He sometimes treats her better than us, and I'm aware that this girl witnessed her biological father beat her mom up, and then she witnessed my dad beat her mom in their early stage of their relationship. I'm not discrediting what she went through, but what annoys me is the fact that he says that she suffered with him, yet he discredits my traumas and states that the past is in the past.
My present problems
After my mom left my dad, I had a habit of biting my nails and the skin around my fingernails; an uncontrollable leg shake; a habit of biting any object I had in my hand and I became a paranoid person. I'm aware that I constantly seek attention and that I'm a pathological liar when it comes to my life events. I constantly feel like my life has no meaning, and I don't have a lot of friends. I only have 3, and during my high school life, I never made friends. You would have to approach me for me to talk to you. Currently, I'm in university, and I'm still the quiet, shy, reserved girl. The person my 2 friends think I am is a complete fake persona. My mom thinks I'm the perfect daughter, and that's not even true. I had a guy who was truly into me, but I couldn't communicate my feelings, and I was afraid that my feelings for him were becoming strong that I broke up with him and he didn't give up on me. He still finds me, and I recently started chatting with him again. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel lost and hopeless. Honestly, I just want to end it and stop being a burden.
Sorry for the long post. I've never done this before.

So this person posted this on /Pessimism on a thread that has since been removed: "I personally find it rather disheartening. Because the logical conclusion to pretty much all lines of thought is that we all need to be dead."
To which someone responded: "Are you open to reconsidering the validity of what you wrote here?
The "logical conclusion" of most thoughts (however you actually meant that) is not that we all need to be dead, it's actually a symptom of "illogical" thinking to constantly reach that conclusion.
One example:
If you are hungry, and you think "I want to eat something," I'd argue the logical conclusion is the conclusion that satisfies that desire, i.e. thinking of a scenario where that thought is satisfied and reaching it by thinking how it could be arrived at. It'd be "illogical" to think one's way to a conclusion that everyone should be dead. It likely intercedes with the intermediary "I should be dead" because of some inner disgust towards having to eat food to live, but your death does not "logically" satisfy the desire to want to eat. You think "you" will be gone, and if you're gone, your desire isn't satisfied or in a state of satisfaction.
It may be then that it's logical to consider "everyone dead" as an answer to "I want to die" because that technically satisfies the desire, so we should be careful not to assume that the fact that the thought pattern is "logical" had any bearing whatsoever on whether it's "true" in a meaningful way that it SHOULD be believed by everyone."
To which I replied: "Are you open to reconsidering the validity of what you wrote here?
Because you're wrong."
To which they replied: "I am open to it! In alignment with what I wrote, you probably shouldn't end a thought with "you're wrong," that's more of serving the role of a hypothesis. You're welcome to write why you think so! Just putting "you're wrong" out there isn't good for your own thinking processes, because it doesn't go anywhere. Imagine a voice in your head that only thinks "you're wrong" constantly versus going somewhere else.
So please feel free to write more. As my own practice, I try to not leave comments like yours that could be misconstrued as hostile/antagonistic if you're merely calling someone wrong when they are open to learning why you think so, and might benefit from your time explaining why."
So I decided to take a few minutes out of my life to debunk this. I replied: "You yourself didn't even give an argument proving to validity of your claims.

The "logical conclusion" of most thoughts (however you actually meant that) is not that we all need to be dead 

There is no such thing as a "logical conclusion" to a thought. There is a logical conclusion to an argument, not a thought. So this is completely wrong.

it's actually a symptom of "illogical" thinking to constantly reach that conclusion. 

You sound like a clueless psychiatrist. It's not even clear what you mean by "illogical" here, but this is false anyway, under most plausible definitions. An argument predicated on some axiology and theory of value could come to the conclusion that we all need to be dead.

If you are hungry, and you think "I want to eat something," I'd argue the logical conclusion is the conclusion that satisfies that desire 

You'd be wrong. By your logic I could claim that If I think that I want to own slaves, then the logical conclusion is that I need to own slaves. And again, thoughts don't have "logical conclusions". Desires don't have "logical conclusions".

It'd be "illogical" to think one's way to a conclusion that everyone should be dead. 

Wrong. One could always make an argument that everyone should be dead, and in fact, this argument is very plausible. It's what Efilism is all about.

It likely intercedes with the intermediary "I should be dead" because of some inner disgust towards having to eat food to live, but your death does not "logically" satisfy the desire to want to eat. 

It's unclear what you mean by "logically" here, but there is never an objective need for a desire to be satisfied, so this is meaningless non-sense either way. Also, clearly, certain desires being satisfied is bad. For example, if someone desires to rape somebody else, then that desire being satisfied will plausibly lead to a net suffering scenario. So your argument is flawed from that standpoint.
Dying is effectively just as good, if not better than having all of one's desires satisfied. Once you're dead, you won't need to have your desires satisfied, because you won't have any desires.

You think "you" will be gone 

So you also believe in fairytails? Not surprising.

and if you're gone, your desire isn't satisfied or in a state of satisfaction. 

So? What's wrong with not having your former desires satisfied when you die? Just admit it, you're an addict seeking satisfaction and closure, trying to justify their ruinous addiction. What you don't get is that the game can't be won. The best that one can do is to close the possibility of losing by dying.

It may be then that it's logical to consider "everyone dead" as an answer to "I want to die" because that technically satisfies the desire, so we should be careful not to assume that the fact that the thought pattern is "logical" had any bearing whatsoever on whether it's "true" in a meaningful way that it SHOULD be believed by everyone. 

What SHOULD be believed by everyone is that it's impossible to profit from this game, and we are just chasing a ruinous addiction, deluded by fairy tails of a happy ending. What we NEED to do is to is wake up and end this wasteful, cruel, moronic, unwinnable game that is life. Not just our life(not necessarily by suicide), but all of life on Earth.
Edit: When I mean that there is never a need for a desire to be satisfied, I mean that with the exception of a desire to stop suffering. There is a real need there, but never otherwise."

I don't remember the first part very well, but what I do vaguely remember about it is getting some sort of weird plastic surgery to make my face smaller. I was walking to a dock and there was a line of individual boats set up down a narrow river, and everyone got on one boat and rowed to school. While I was getting on the boat, I remember noticing some sort of complication with the face surgery? Specifically, the designated helmet didn't fit me while I was getting on the boat, it was too small for me, so my face had presumably swelled up and become bigger after the surgery, so the person minding the boats told me I wasn't allowed to go with everyone else. The next scene was at the doctor's. (Btw, this entire part is 100% influenced by a manga I read about a plastic surgery gone wrong day before yesterday).
I don't remember what the doctor said, only that it was very serious and life threatening.
The next scene I remember, is riding on bikes with a friend. The friend isn't anyone I know in real life, I don't think they're even really based on anyone irl, just an original character. Suddenly, while we're riding our bikes to god knows where, a huge, fleshy monster appears. And by huge I mean huge, it towers over us by several meters and completely blocks the road with its sheer size. Strangely enough, there's no one else on the road except us. But this is where the really fucked up part starts.
The monster reaches out long arms shaped like pincers and opens my stomach, promptly starts taking out my internal organs one by one. Just when you think it's done, it reaches in to pull out something else, like a gallbladder or an intestine. All while my friend watches in abject horror. Eventually, the monster is done, zips my stomach back up (with no wound left behind) and leaves.
My friend and I get into fight right after, because he's mad I hid something from him (?). Considering it happened right after the monster attack, it had to be something related to that, the only other significant point I remember is the plastic surgery, so maybe the monster attack had something to do with the surgery? And he's upset I hid the surgery from him? I have no idea.
Anyways, after this I remember going home, and my home in the dream looks nothing like my actual home. It's a lot bigger, shinier, and I specifically wandered around the huge garden with a lot of flowers. I remember a few scenes where I talk to my mother, but I don't remember it well enough to describe anything about it.
The last thing I remember before I woke up is that I was trying to recover and find treatments that would save me from an inevitable death from losing my organs, but also slowly realizing that any treatments would most likely fail and I would almost certainly die.
The last thing I felt was a mixture of fear and hesitating hope for recovery, sadness that my life ended just as I was 18-19 and I didn't even get to go to University, and a struggle to accept my own death and come to terms with it even though I was so sad about it.
I think this counts as a nightmare, but I didn't feel truly scared in the dream, just a mix of anxiety, worry, and sadness.

tl;dr: GF broke up with me because we're approaching the year mark and we aren't married/engaged yet, but we shared a lot together and I think it's all my fault and I want to fix it but I'm blocked everywhere.
Trigger alert: I've made a lot of mistakes but I'm just going to be blunt and honest to get actionable feedback. Also this is more-so of a different situation than most people as we're both Muslim-Americans and typically things are done more traditionally in our community.
Posting here because my posts in MuslimMarriage keep getting removed for reasons I don't think are fair.
Long story short, I met this girl about a year ago and we fell in love and met each other's families like 2 months in, went on trips secretly, even lived together for 4-5 months (all this in secret from our families) and had sex regularly. As far as our parents knew, we just met up once in a while, as we both live far away in a different city.
Our families initially got along well, but 6 months into it, her mom got mad at my family and called me to yell at me, for my parents asking some more details about her family with a different mutual family. Her parents are divorced and dad is not in the picture and very few male members of the family available to chat to. My parents as a result told me to hold off on the engagement/marriage for another 6 months and they got a bad feeling that her mother might cause some trouble for me later down the line as a result of her mother's phone call.
Approaching the 1 year mark, we were supposed to get engaged and then get married shortly after and we both went and bought a whole bunch of gold, dresses, etc, for the function and she was excited and so was I, and I paid for it all because I love this girl and want to be with her forever. But then my dad had an emergency surgery that popped up that delayed things by another month and she and her mom were really angry about this. 2 days later, she messages me over text saying she wants to end things, and now I'm blocked everywhere.
Of course, I'm embarrassed by this, but I only did this because I thought I was going to marry this girl. We have A LOT of history together now and it's killing me that I did all this with her and now she's just a stranger. Everyone knows that we were together, and I'm all in her university pictures for every function.
I honestly think her decision was greatly influenced by her mother who was getting annoyed that we hadn't made anything official, which I understand, but her actions slowed things down. If anything, when she called and yelled at me, my parents were ready to walk away from everything, so it took a while to even get them to come back and even agree to 6 more months. And if anything, now that we've spent all this time knowing each other, doing all of this, it's all the more reason that we should be together since we've done so much more.
It's been a month since this breakup happened and I've gotten nowhere; I've tried calling heher mom/her friends and its all radio silence. I emailed her with all the details, telling her that we can get married, as soon as in 2 weeks, and all that she needed to do was to call me back and I would sort out everything, but no response to that.
She used to tell me that she loved me and that she would never give up on us. She told me that she was a virgin and that she would never leave as we had given it up to each other and I feel so incredibly guilty about it too, because now I've shared this super big thing with someone who is now just a stranger. I really wish that she would at least just pick up the phone so that we can talk about it and I'm confident that we can sort out all of our issues if we just communicated but she's gone. My family tells me that this was a good thing for me because being in a relationship with someone who's so quick to leave, and someone who takes a hard line and doesn't want to communicate with you. They say that, it's possible that she would just leave/divorce you down the line when times got tough because it wasn't what she wanted, and that I got off "lucky" with just a break up. I don't know if that's true or not, but it does bother me so much that she always told me that she loved me and would never leave, but now she broke up with me over text and just vanished. It's so heartless and cold, especially with someone you've spent all this time with and all of these milestones.
We have so many memories together, so many trips, so many photos, so much everything and now it just hurts so much inside knowing that I shared all of these things with her and it looks like these things don't even mean much to her? Maybe she is thinking the same thing as me and crying as well and is just trying to take a hard line, but unsure of why? I guess I'll never know.
I've stopped reaching out at this point because it just seems pointless and I don't know if it's even helping. But I have this empty feeling inside of me and I don't know what to even do. I feel cheated and just frustrated and I'm so angry at myself for doing all of this with someone who was lying about their feelings throughout.
My friends told me to download the dating apps and find someone else, and I tried that but, it just feels like I'm cheating on my ex-girlfriend and I don't even want to do all that I did with her with someone else. I don't think I'll ever find anyone like her and I'm just super depressed and I feel like it's all my fault; if I had just proposed like 6-8 months in like she wanted, we wouldn't be here right now. Now I'm losing sleep over her every single night.

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THE OPENING (al-Fatihah) 1. In the name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful. 2. Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds. 3. The Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. 4. Master of the Day of Judgment. 5. It is You we worship, and upon You we call for help. 6. Guide us to the straight path. 7. The path of those You have blessed, not of those against whom there is anger, nor of those who are misguided. 2. THE HEIFER (al-Baqarah) In the name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful 1. Alif, Lam, Meem. 2. This is the Book in which there is no doubt, a guide for the righteous. 3. Those who believe in the unseen, and perform the prayers, and give from what We have provided for them. 4. And those who believe in what was revealed to you, and in what was revealed before you, and are certain of the Hereafter. 5. These are upon guidance from their Lord. These are the successful. 6. As for those who disbelieve—it is the same for them, whether you have warned them, or have not warned them—they do not believe. 7. Allah has set a seal on their hearts and on their hearing, and over their vision is a veil. They will have a severe torment. 8. Among the people are those who say, “We believe in Allah and in the Last Day,” but they are not believers. 9. They seek to deceive Allah and those who believe, but they deceive none but themselves, though they are not aware. 10. In their hearts is sickness, and Allah has increased their sickness. They will have a painful punishment because of their denial. 11. And when it is said to them, “Do not make trouble on earth,” they say, “We are only reformers.” 12. In fact, they are the troublemakers, but they are not aware. 13. And when it is said to them, “Believe as the people have believed,” they say, “Shall we believe as the fools have believed?” In fact, it is they who are the fools, but they do not know. 14. And when they come across those who believe, they say, “We believe”; but when they are alone with their devils, they say, “We are with you; we were only ridiculing.” 15. It is Allah who ridicules them, and leaves them bewildered in their transgression. 16. Those are they who have bartered error for guidance; but their trade does not profit them, and they are not guided. 17. Their likeness is that of a person who kindled a fire; when it illuminated all around him, Allah took away their light, and left them in darkness, unable to see. 18. Deaf, dumb, blind. They will not return. 19. Or like a cloudburst from the sky, in which is darkness, and thunder, and lightning. They press their fingers into their ears from the thunderbolts, in fear of death. But Allah surrounds the disbelievers. 20. The lightning almost snatches their sight away. Whenever it illuminates for them, they walk in it; but when it grows dark over them, they stand still. Had Allah willed, He could have taken away their hearing and their sight. Allah is capable of everything. 21. O people! Worship your Lord who created you and those before you, that you may attain piety. 1 2. THE HEIFER (al-Baqarah) 22. He who made the earth a habitat for you, and the sky a structure, and sends water down from the sky, and brings out fruits thereby, as a sustenance for you. Therefore, do not assign rivals to Allah while you know. 23. And if you are in doubt about what We have revealed to Our servant, then produce a chapter like these, and call your witnesses apart from Allah, if you are truthful. 24. But if you do not—and you will not—then beware the Fire whose fuel is people and stones, prepared for the disbelievers. 25. And give good news to those who believe and do righteous deeds; that they will have gardens beneath which rivers flow. Whenever they are provided with fruit therefrom as sustenance, they will say, “This is what we were provided with before,” and they will be given the like of it. And they will have pure spouses therein, and they will abide therein forever. 26. Allah does not shy away from making an example of a gnat, or something above it. As for those who believe, they know that it is the Truth from their Lord. But as for those who disbelieve, they say, “What did Allah intend by this example?” He leads astray many thereby, and He guides many thereby; but He misleads thereby only the evildoers. 27. Those who violate Allah’s covenant after its confirmation, and sever what Allah has commanded to be joined, and commit evil on earth. These are the losers. 28. How can you deny Allah, when you were dead and He gave you life, then He will put you to death, then He will bring you to life, then to Him you will be returned? 29. It is He who created for you everything on earth, then turned to the heaven, and made them seven heavens. And He is aware of all things. 30. When your Lord said to the angels, “I am placing a successor on earth.” They said, “Will You place in it someone who will cause corruption in it and shed blood, while we declare Your praises and sanctify You?” He said, “I know what you do not know.” 31. And He taught Adam the names, all of them; then he presented them to the angels, and said, “Tell Me the names of these, if you are sincere.” 32. They said, “Glory be to You! We have no knowledge except what You have taught us. It is you who are the Knowledgeable, the Wise.” 33. He said, “O Adam, tell them their names.” And when he told them their names, He said, “Did I not tell you that I know the secrets of the heavens and the earth, and that I know what you reveal and what you conceal?” 34. And We said to the angels, “Bow down to Adam.” They bowed down, except for Satan. He refused, was arrogant, and was one of the disbelievers. 35. We said, “O Adam, inhabit the Garden, you and your spouse, and eat from it freely as you please, but do not approach this tree, lest you become wrongdoers.” 36. But Satan caused them to slip from it, and caused them to depart the state they were in. We said, “Go down, some of you enemies of one another. And you will have residence on earth, and enjoyment for a while.” 37. Then Adam received words from his Lord, so He relented towards him. He is the Relenting, the Merciful. 38. We said, “Go down from it, all of you. Yet whenever guidance comes to you from Me, then whoever follows My guidance—they have nothing to fear, nor shall they grieve. 39. But as for those who disbelieve and reject Our signs—these are the inmates of the Fire—wherein they will remain forever.” 40. O Children of Israel! Remember My blessings which I bestowed upon you, and fulfill your pledge to Me, and I will fulfill My pledge to you, and fear Me. 41. And believe in what I revealed, confirming what is with you; and do not be the first to 2 2. THE HEIFER (al-Baqarah) deny it; and do not exchange My revelations for a small price; and be conscious of Me. 42. And do not mix truth with falsehood, and do not conceal the truth while you know. 43. And attend to your prayers, and practice regular charity, and kneel with those who kneel. 44. Do you command people to virtuous conduct, and forget yourselves, even though you read the Scripture? Do you not understand? 45. And seek help through patience and prayer. But it is difficult, except for the devout. 46. Those who know that they will meet their Lord, and that to Him they will return. 47. O Children of Israel! Remember My favor which I bestowed upon you, and I that favored you over all nations. 48. And beware of a Day when no soul will avail another in the least, nor will any intercession be accepted on its behalf, nor will any ransom be taken from it, nor will they be helped. 49. And recall that We delivered you from the people of Pharaoh. They inflicted on you terrible persecution, killing your sons and sparing your women. Therein was a tremendous trial from your Lord. 50. And recall that We parted the sea for you, so We saved you, and We drowned the people of Pharaoh as you looked on. 51. And recall that We appointed for Moses forty nights. Then you took to worshiping the calf after him, and you turned wicked. 52. Then We pardoned you after that, so that you might be grateful. 53. And recall that We gave Moses the Scripture and the Criterion, so that you may be guided. 54. And recall that Moses said to his people, “O my people, you have done wrong to yourselves by worshiping the calf. So repent to your Maker, and kill your egos. That would be better for you with your Maker.” So He turned to you in repentance. He is the Accepter of Repentance, the Merciful. 55. And recall that you said, “O Moses, we will not believe in you unless we see Allah plainly.” Thereupon the thunderbolt struck you, as you looked on. 56. Then We revived you after your death, so that you may be appreciative. 57. And We shaded you with clouds, and We sent down to you manna and quails: “Eat of the good things We have provided for you.” They did not wrong Us, but they used to wrong their own souls. 58. And recall that We said, “Enter this town, and eat plentifully from it whatever you wish; but enter the gate humbly, and say, 'Pardon.' We will forgive your sins, and give increase to the virtuous.” 59. But the wrongdoers among them substituted words other than those given to them, so We sent down on the wrongdoers a plague from heaven, because of their wicked behavior. 60. And recall when Moses prayed for water for his people. We said, “Strike the rock with your staff.” Thereupon twelve springs gushed out from it, and each tribe recognized its drinking-place. “Eat and drink from Allah’s provision, and do not corrupt the earth with disobedience.” 61. And recall when you said, “O Moses, we cannot endure one kind of food, so call to your Lord to produce for us of what the earth grows: of its herbs, and its cucumbers, and its garlic, and its lentils, and its onions.” He said, “Would you substitute worse for better? Go down to Egypt, where you will have what you asked for.” They were struck with humiliation and poverty, and incurred wrath from Allah. That was because they rejected Allah’s revelations and wrongfully killed the prophets. That was because they disobeyed and transgressed. 62. Those who believe, and those who are Jewish, and the Christians, and the Sabeans—any who believe in Allah and the Last Day, and 3 2. THE HEIFER (al-Baqarah) act righteously—will have their reward with their Lord; they have nothing to fear, nor will they grieve. 63. And recall when We received a pledge from you, and raised the Mount above you: “Take what We have given you earnestly, and remember what is in it, that you may attain righteousness.” 64. But after that you turned away. Were it not for Allah’s grace and mercy towards you, you would have been among the losers. 65. And you surely knew those of you who violated the Sabbath. We said to them, “Be despicable apes!” 66. Thus We made it a deterrent for their generation, and for subsequent generations, and a lesson for the righteous. 67. And recall when Moses said to his people, “Allah commands you to sacrifice a heifer.” They said, “Do you make a mockery of us?” He said, “Allah forbid that I should be so ignorant.” 68. They said, “Call upon your Lord to show us which one.” He said, “He says she is a heifer, neither too old, nor too young, but in between. So do what you are commanded.” 69. They said, “Call upon your Lord to show us what her color is.” He said, “He says she is a yellow heifer, bright in color, pleasing to the beholders.” 70. They said, “Call upon your Lord to show us which one; the heifers look alike to us; and Allah willing, we will be guided.” 71. He said, “He says she is a heifer, neither yoked to plow the earth, nor to irrigate the field; sound without blemish.” They said, “Now you have brought the truth.” So they slew her; though they almost did not. 72. And recall when you killed a person, and disputed in the matter; but Allah was to expose what you were hiding. 73. We said, “Strike him with part of it.” Thus Allah brings the dead to life; and He shows you His signs, that you may understand. 74. Then after that your hearts hardened. They were as rocks, or even harder. For there are some rocks from which rivers gush out, and others that splinter and water comes out from them, and others that sink in awe of Allah. Allah is not unaware of what you do. 75. Do you hope that they will believe in you, when some of them used to hear the Word of Allah, and then deliberately distort it, even after understanding it? 76. And when they come across those who believe, they say, “We believe,” but when they come together privately, they say, “Will you inform them of what Allah has disclosed to you, so that they might dispute with you concerning it before your Lord?” Do you not understand? 77. Do they not know that Allah knows what they conceal and what they reveal? 78. And among them are uneducated who know the Scripture only through hearsay, and they only speculate. 79. So woe to those who write the Scripture with their own hands, and then say, “This is from Allah,” that they may exchange it for a little price. Woe to them for what their hands have written, and woe to them for what they earn. 80. And they say, “The Fire will not touch us except for a number of days.” Say, “Have you received a promise from Allah—Allah never breaks His promise—or are you saying about Allah what you do not know?” 81. Indeed, whoever commits misdeeds, and becomes besieged by his iniquities—these are the inmates of the Fire, wherein they will dwell forever. 82. As for those who believe and do righteous deeds—these are the inhabitants of Paradise, wherein they will dwell forever. 83. We made a covenant with the Children of Israel: “Worship none but Allah; and be good to parents, and relatives, and orphans, and the needy; and speak nicely to people; and pray regularly, and give alms.” Then you 4 2. THE HEIFER (al-Baqarah) turned away, except for a few of you, recanting. 84. And We made a covenant with you: “You shall not shed the blood of your own, nor shall you evict your own from your homes.” You agreed, and were all witnesses. 85. But here you are, killing your own, and expelling a group of your own from their homes—conspiring against them in wrongdoing and hostility. And if they come to you as captives, you ransom them, although it was forbidden to you. Is it that you believe in part of the Scripture, and disbelieve in part? What is the reward for those among you who do that but humiliation in this life? And on the Day of Resurrection, they will be assigned to the most severe torment. Allah is not unaware of what you do. 86. Those are they who bought the present life for the Hereafter, so the punishment will not be lightened for them, nor will they be helped. 87. We gave Moses the Scripture, and sent a succession of messengers after him. And We gave Jesus son of Mary the clear proofs, and We supported him with the Holy Spirit. Is it that whenever a messenger comes to you with anything your souls do not desire, you grew arrogant, calling some impostors, and killing others? 88. And they said, “Our hearts are sealed.” Rather, Allah has cursed them for their ingratitude. They have little faith. 89. And when a scripture came to them from Allah, confirming what they have—although previously they were seeking victory against those who disbelieved—but when there came to them what they recognized, they disbelieved in it. So Allah’s curse is upon the disbelievers. 90. Miserable is what they sold their souls for—rejecting what Allah has revealed, out of resentment that Allah would send down His grace upon whomever He chooses from among His servants. Thus they incurred wrath upon wrath. And there is a demeaning punishment for the disbelievers. 91. And when it is said to them, “Believe in what Allah has revealed,” they say, “We believe in what was revealed to us,” and they reject anything beyond that, although it is the truth which confirms what they have. Say, “Why did you kill Allah’s prophets before, if you were believers?” 92. Moses came to you with clear proofs, yet you adopted the calf in his absence, and you were in the wrong. 93. And We made a covenant with you, and raised the Mount above you: “Take what We have given you firmly, and listen.” They said, “We hear and disobey.” And their hearts became filled with the love of the calf because of their disbelief. Say, “Wretched is what your faith commands you to do, if you are believers.” 94. Say, “If the Final Home with Allah is yours alone, to the exclusion of all other people, then wish for death if you are sincere.” 95. But they will never wish for it, because of what their hands have forwarded. Allah is aware of the evildoers. 96. You will find them, of all mankind, the most eager for life, even more than the polytheists. Every one of them wishes he could live a thousand years; but to be granted a long life will not nudge him from the punishment. Allah is Seeing of what they do. 97. Say, “Whoever is hostile to Gabriel—it is he who revealed it to your heart by Allah’s leave, confirming what preceded it, and guidance and good news for the believers.” 98. Whoever is hostile to Allah, and His angels, and His messengers, and Gabriel, and Michael—Allah is hostile to the faithless. 99. We have revealed to you clear signs, and none rejects them except the sinners. 100. Is it not that whenever they make a covenant, some of them toss it aside? In fact, most of them do not believe. 101. And when there came to them a messenger from Allah, confirming what they had, a faction of those who were given the Book 5 2. THE HEIFER (al-Baqarah) threw the Book of Allah behind their backs, as if they do not know. 102. And they followed what the devils taught during the reign of Solomon. It was not Solomon who disbelieved, but it was the devils who disbelieved. They taught the people witchcraft and what was revealed in Babylon to the two angels Harut and Marut. They did not teach anybody until they had said, “We are a test, so do not lose faith.” But they learned from them the means to cause separation between man and his wife. But they cannot harm anyone except with Allah's permission. And they learned what would harm them and not benefit them. Yet they knew that whoever deals in it will have no share in the Hereafter. Miserable is what they sold their souls for, if they only knew. 103. Had they believed and been righteous, the reward from Allah would have been better, if they only knew. 104. O you who believe! Do not say ambiguous words, but say words of respect, and listen. The disbelievers will have a painful torment. 105. It is never the wish of the disbelievers from among the People of the Book, nor of the polytheists, that any good should be sent down to you from your Lord. But Allah chooses for His mercy whomever He wills. Allah is Possessor of Sublime Grace. 106. We never nullify a verse, nor cause it to be forgotten, unless We bring one better than it, or similar to it. Do you not know that Allah is capable of all things? 107. Do you not know that to Allah belongs the sovereignty of the heavens and the earth, and that apart from Allah you have no guardian or helper? 108. Or do you want to question your Messenger as Moses was questioned before? Whoever exchanges faith for disbelief has strayed from the right path. 109. Many of the People of the Book wish to turn you back into unbelievers after you have believed, out of envy on their part, after the Truth has become clear to them. But pardon and overlook, until Allah brings His command. Allah has power over all things. 110. And perform the prayer, and give alms. Whatever good you forward for yourselves, you will find it with Allah. Allah is Seeing of everything you do. 111. And they say, “None will enter Heaven unless he is a Jew or a Christian.” These are their wishes. Say, “Produce your proof, if you are truthful.” 112. In fact, whoever submits himself to Allah, and is a doer of good, will have his reward with his Lord—they have nothing to fear, nor shall they grieve. 113. The Jews say, “The Christians are not based on anything;” and the Christians say, “The Jews are not based on anything.” Yet they both read the Scripture. Similarly, the ignorant said the same thing. Allah will judge between them on the Day of Resurrection regarding their differences. 114. Who is more unjust than him who forbids the remembrance of Allah’s name in places of worship, and contributes to their ruin? These ought not to enter them except in fear. For them is disgrace in this world, and for them is a terrible punishment in the Hereafter. 115. To Allah belong the East and the West. Whichever way you turn, there is Allah’s presence. Allah is Omnipresent and Omniscient. 116. And they say, “Allah has begotten a son.” Be He glorified. Rather, His is everything in the heavens and the earth; all are obedient to Him. 117. Originator of the heavens and the earth. Whenever He decrees a thing, He says to it, “Be,” and it becomes. 118. Those who do not know say, “If only Allah would speak to us, or a sign would come to us.” Thus said those who were before them. Their hearts are alike. We have made the signs clear for people who are certain. 6 2. THE HEIFER (al-Baqarah) 119. We have sent you with the truth—bringing good news, and giving warnings. You will not be questioned about the inmates of Hell. 120. The Jews and the Christians will not approve of you, unless you follow their creed. Say, “Allah’s guidance is the guidance.” Should you follow their desires, after the knowledge that has come to you, you will have in Allah neither guardian nor helper. 121. Those to whom We have given the Scripture follow it, as it ought to be followed— these believe in it. But as for those who reject it—these are the losers. 122. O Children of Israel! Remember My blessing which I bestowed upon you, and that I have favored you over all people. 123. And beware of a Day when no soul will avail another soul in any way, and no ransom will be accepted from it, and no intercession will benefit it, and they will not be helped. 124. And when his Lord tested Abraham with certain words, and he fulfilled them. He said, “I am making you a leader of humanity.” He said, “And my descendants?” He said, “My pledge does not include the wrongdoers.” 125. And We made the House a focal point for the people, and a sanctuary. Use the shrine of Abraham as a place of prayer. And We commissioned Abraham and Ishmael, “Sanctify My House for those who circle around it, and those who seclude themselves in it, and those who kneel and prostrate.” 126. When Abraham said, “O My Lord, make this a peaceful land, and provide its people with fruits—whoever of them believes in Allah and the Last Day.” He said, “And whoever disbelieves, I will give him a little enjoyment, then I will consign him to the punishment of the Fire; how miserable the destiny!” 127. As Abraham raises the foundations of the House, together with Ishmael, “Our Lord, accept it from us, You are the Hearer, the Knower. 128. Our Lord, and make us submissive to You, and from our descendants a community submissive to You. And show us our rites, and accept our repentance. You are the Acceptor of Repentance, the Merciful. 129. Our Lord, and raise up among them a messenger, of themselves, who will recite to them Your revelations, and teach them the Book and wisdom, and purify them. You are the Almighty, the Wise.” 130. Who would forsake the religion of Abraham, except he who fools himself? We chose him in this world, and in the Hereafter he will be among the righteous. 131. When his Lord said to him, “Submit!” He said, “I have submitted to the Lord of the Worlds.” 132. And Abraham exhorted his sons, and Jacob, “O my sons, Allah has chosen this religion for you, so do not die unless you have submitted.” 133. Or were you witnesses when death approached Jacob, and he said to his sons, “What will you worship after Me?” They said, “We will worship your God, and the God of your fathers, Abraham, Ishmael, and Isaac; One God; and to Him we submit.” 134. That was a community that has passed; for them is what they have earned, and for you is what you have earned; and you will not be questioned about what they used to do. 135. And they say, “Be Jews or Christians, and you will be guided.” Say, “Rather, the religion of Abraham, the Monotheist; he was not an idolater.” 136. Say, “We believe in Allah; and in what was revealed to us; and in what was revealed to Abraham, and Ishmael, and Isaac, and Jacob, and the Patriarchs; and in what was given to Moses and Jesus; and in what was given to the prophets—from their Lord. We make no distinction between any of them, and to Him we surrender.” 137. If they believe in the same as you have believed in, then they have been guided. But if they turn away, then they are in schism. Allah will protect you against them; for He is the Hearer, the Knower. 7 2. THE HEIFER (al-Baqarah) 138. Allah’s coloring. And who gives better coloring than Allah? “And we are devoted to Him.” 139. Say, “Do you argue with us about Allah, when He is our Lord and your Lord, and We have our works, and you have your works, and we are sincere to Him?” 140. Or do you say that Abraham, Ishmael, Isaac, Jacob, and the Patriarchs were Jews or Christians? Say, “Do you know better, or Allah?” And who does greater wrong than he who conceals a testimony he has from Allah? Allah is not unaware of what you do. 141. That was a community that has passed. To them is what they have earned, and to you is what you have earned. And you will not be questioned about what they used to do. 142. The ignorant among the people will say, “What has turned them away from the direction of prayer they once followed?” Say, “To Allah belong the East and the West. He guides whom He wills to a straight path.” 143. Thus We made you a moderate community, that you may be witnesses to humanity, and that the Messenger may be a witness to you. We only established the direction of prayer, which you once followed, that We may distinguish those who follow the Messenger from those who turn on their heels. It is indeed difficult, except for those whom Allah has guided. But Allah would never let your faith go to waste. Allah is Kind towards the people, Merciful. 144. We have seen your face turned towards the heaven. So We will turn you towards a direction that will satisfy you. So turn your face towards the Sacred Mosque. And wherever you may be, turn your faces towards it. Those who were given the Book know that it is the Truth from their Lord; and Allah is not unaware of what they do. 145. Even if you were to bring to those who were given the Book every proof, they would not follow your direction, nor are you to follow their direction, nor do they follow the direction of one another. And if you were to follow their desires, after the knowledge that has come to you, you would be in that case one of the wrongdoers. 146. Those to whom We have given the Book recognize it as they recognize their own children. But some of them conceal the truth while they know. 147. The truth is from your Lord, so do not be a skeptic. 148. To every community is a direction towards which it turns. Therefore, race towards goodness. Wherever you may be, Allah will bring you all together. Allah is capable of everything. 149. And wherever you come from, turn your face towards the Sacred Mosque. This is the truth from your Lord, and Allah is not heedless of what you do. 150. And wherever you come from, turn your face towards the Sacred Mosque. And wherever you may be, turn your faces towards it. So that the people may not have any argument against you—except those who do wrong among them. So do not fear them, but fear Me, that I may complete My blessings upon you, and that you may be guided. 151. Just as We sent to you a messenger from among you, who recites Our revelations to you, and purifies you, and teaches you the Book and wisdom, and teaches you what you did not know. 152. So remember Me, and I will remember you. And thank Me, and do not be ungrateful. 153. O you who believe! Seek help through patience and prayers. Allah is with the steadfast. 154. And do not say of those who are killed in the cause of Allah, “Dead.” Rather, they are alive, but you do not perceive. 155. We will certainly test you with some fear and hunger, and some loss of possessions and lives and crops. But give good news to the steadfast. 156. Those who, when a calamity afflicts them, say, “To Allah we belong, and to Him we will return.” 8 2. THE HEIFER (al-Baqarah) 157. Upon these are blessings and mercy from their Lord. These are the guided ones. 158. Safa and Marwa are among the rites of Allah. Whoever makes the Pilgrimage to the House, or performs the Umrah, commits no error by circulating between them. Whoever volunteers good—Allah is Appreciative and Cognizant. 159. Those who suppress the proofs and the guidance We have revealed, after We have clarified them to humanity in the Scripture— those—Allah curses them, and the cursers curse them. 160. Except those who repent, and reform, and proclaim. Those—I will accept their repentance. I am the Acceptor of Repentance, the Merciful. 161. But as for those who reject faith, and die rejecting—those—upon them is the curse of Allah, and of the angels, and of all humanity. 162. They will remain under it forever, and the torment will not be lightened for them, and they will not be reprieved. 163. Your God is one God. There is no god but He, the Benevolent, the Compassionate. 164. In the creation of the heavens and the earth; in the alternation of night and day; in the ships that sail the oceans for the benefit of mankind; in the water that Allah sends down from the sky, and revives the earth with it after it had died, and scatters in it all kinds of creatures; in the changing of the winds, and the clouds disposed between the sky and the earth; are signs for people who understand. 165. Yet among the people are those who take other than Allah as equals to Him. They love them as the love of Allah. But those who believe have greater love for Allah. If only the wrongdoers would realize, when they see the torment; that all power is Allah’s, and that Allah is severe in punishment. 166. Those who were followed will then disown those who followed them, and they will see the retribution, and ties between them will be severed. 167. Those who followed will say, “If only we can have another chance, we will disown them, as they disowned us.” Thus Allah will show them their deeds, as regrets to them, and they will not come out of the Fire. 168. O people! Eat of what is lawful and good on earth, and do not follow the footsteps of Satan. He is to you an open enemy. 169. He commands you to do evil and vice, and to say about Allah what you do not know. 170. And when it is said to them, “Follow what Allah has revealed,” they say, “We will follow what we found our ancestors following.” Even if their ancestors understood nothing, and were not guided? 171. The parable of those who disbelieve is that of someone who calls upon someone who hears nothing except screaming and yelling. Deaf, dumb, and blind—they do not understand. 172. O you who believe! Eat of the good things We have provided for you, and give thanks to Allah, if it is Him that you serve. 173. He has forbidden you carrion, and blood, and the flesh of swine, and what was dedicated to other than Allah. But if anyone is compelled, without desiring or exceeding, he commits no sin. Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. 174. Those who conceal what Allah revealed in the Book, and exchange it for a small price— those swallow nothing but fire into their bellies. And Allah will not speak to them on the Day of Resurrection, nor will He purify them, and they will have a painful punishment. 175. It is they who exchange guidance for error, and forgiveness for punishment. But why do they insist on the Fire? 176. That is because Allah has revealed the Book in truth; and those who differ about the Book are in deep discord. 177. Righteousness does not consist of turning your faces towards the East and the West. But righteous is he who believes in Allah, and the Last Day, and the angels, and the Scripture, 9 2. THE HEIFER (al-Baqarah) and the prophets. Who gives money, though dear, to near relatives, and orphans, and the needy, and the homeless, and the beggars, and for the freeing of slaves; those who perform the prayers, and pay the obligatory charity, and fulfill their promise when they promise, and patiently persevere in the face of persecution, hardship, and in the time of conflict. These are the sincere; these are the pious. 178. O you who believe! Retaliation for the murdered is ordained upon you: the free for the free, the slave for the slave, the female for the female. But if he is forgiven by his kin, then grant any reasonable demand, and pay with good will. This is a concession from your Lord, and a mercy. But whoever commits aggression after that, a painful torment awaits him. 179. There is life for you in retaliation, O people of understanding, so that you may refrain. 180. It is decreed for you: when death approaches one of you, and he leaves wealth, to make a testament in favor of the parents and the relatives, fairly and correctly—a duty upon the righteous. 181. But whoever changes it after he has heard it, the guilt is upon those who change it. Allah is All-Hearing, All-Knowing. 182. Should someone suspect bias or injustice on the part of a testator, and then reconciles between them, he commits no sin. Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. 183. O you who believe! Fasting is prescribed for you, as it was prescribed for those before you, that you may become righteous. 184. For a specified number of days. But whoever among you is sick, or on a journey, then a number of other days. For those who are able: a ransom of feeding a needy person. But whoever volunteers goodness, it is better for him. But to fast is best for you, if you only knew. 185. Ramadan is the month in which the Quran was revealed. Guidance for humanity, and clear portents of guidance, and the Criterion. Whoever of you witnesses the month, shall fast it. But whoever is sick, or on a journey, then a number of other days. Allah desires ease for you, and does not desire hardship for you, that you may complete the number, and celebrate Allah for having guided you, so that you may be thankful. 186. And when My servants ask you about Me, I Am near; I answer the call of the caller when he calls on Me. So let them answer Me, and have faith in Me, that they may be rightly guided. 187. Permitted for you is intercourse with your wives on the night of the fast. They are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them. Allah knows that you used to betray yourselves, but He turned to you and pardoned you. So approach them now, and seek what Allah has ordained for you, and eat and drink until the white streak of dawn can be distinguished from the black streak. Then complete the fast until nightfall. But do not approach them while you are in retreat at the mosques. These are the limits of Allah, so do not come near them. Allah thus clarifies His revelations to the people, that they may attain piety. 188. And do not consume one another’s wealth by unjust means, nor offer it as bribes to the officials in order to consume part of other people’s wealth illicitly, while you know. 189. They ask you about the crescents. Say, “They are timetables for people, and for the Hajj.” It is not virtuous that you approach homes from their backs, but virtue is to be pious. So approach homes from their doors, and observe Allah, that you may succeed. 190. And fight in the cause of Allah those who fight you, but do not commit aggression; Allah does not love the aggressors. 191. And kill them wherever you overtake them, and expel them from where they had expelled you. Oppression is more serious than murder. But do not fight them at the Sacred Mosque, unless they fight you there. If they fight you, then kill them. Such is the retribution of the disbelievers. 10 2. THE HEIFER (al-Baqarah) 192. But if they cease, then Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. 193. And fight them until there is no oppression, and worship becomes devoted to Allah alone. But if they cease, then let there be no hostility except against the oppressors. 194. The sacred month for the sacred month; and sacrilege calls for retaliation. Whoever commits aggression against you, retaliate against him in the same measure as he has committed against you. And be conscious of Allah, and know that Allah is with the righteous. 195. And spend in the cause of Allah, and do not throw yourselves with your own hands into ruin, and be charitable. Allah loves the charitable. 196. And carry out the Hajj and the Umrah for Allah. But if you are prevented, then whatever is feasible of offerings. And do not shave your heads until the offering has reached its destination. Whoever of you is sick, or has an injury of the head, then redemption of fasting, or charity, or worship. When you are secure: whoever continues the Umrah until the Hajj, then whatever is feasible of offering. But if he lacks the means, then fasting for three days during the Hajj and seven when you have returned, making ten in all. This is for he whose household is not present at the Sacred Mosque. And remain conscious of Allah, and know that Allah is stern in retribution. 197. The Hajj is during specific months. Whoever decides to perform the Hajj—there shall be no sexual relations, nor misconduct, nor quarrelling during the Hajj. And whatever good you do, Allah knows it. And take provisions, but the best provision is righteousness. And be mindful of Me, O people of understanding. 198. You commit no error by seeking bounty from your Lord. When you disperse from Arafat, remember Allah at the Sacred Landmark. And remember Him as He has guided you. Although, before that, you were of those astray. 199. Then disperse from where the people disperse, and ask Allah for forgiveness. Allah is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. 200. When you have completed your rites, remember Allah as you remember your parents, or even more. Among the people is he who says, “Our Lord, give us in this world,” yet he has no share in the Hereafter. 201. And among them is he who says, “Our Lord, give us goodness in this world, and goodness in the Hereafter, and protect us from the torment of the Fire.” 202. These will have a share of what they have earned. Allah is swift in reckoning. 203. And remember Allah during the designated days. But whoever hurries on in two days commits no wrong, and whoever stays on commits no wrong—provided he maintains righteousness. And obey Allah, and know that to Him you will be gathered. 204. Among the people is he whose speech about the worldly life impresses you, and he calls Allah to witness what is in his heart, while he is the most hostile of adversaries. 205. When he gains power, he strives to spread corruption on earth, destroying properties and lives. Allah does not like corruption. 206. And when he is told, “Beware of Allah,” his pride leads him to more sin. Hell is enough for him—a dreadful abode. 207. And among the people is he who sells himself seeking Allah’s approval.

My breakup wasn't conventional in any sense of the word, I fell in love with a couple. I know that might be strange, I thought so too, but it happened. We were planning to move in together, we had plans lined up for the year, I had applied for houses, jobs. We spent one last day together before one of them was going to temporarily stay with family until we could find a place, it was an amazing day, one of the best days of my life, I was being welcomed into a loving environment, a family that was excited to have me, and with two people I genuinely believed and still believe were the loves of my life. Our connection felt cosmic, it felt beyond anything I had ever felt in this life.
The next day was the worst day of my life. I woke up to a phone call from his partner saying he had feelings for me, but that meant we can't be friends anymore. He told me to talk to his partner, and he said his goodbye. I tried to talk to his partner, the one I had just spent a day with, only to be met by a text saying he may or may not be ghosting me but he hasn't decided yet, and that he'd talk to me again later. Later never came. I had a mental breakdown after that and just lost it, I tried contacting them in any means I could find and ultimately they just see me as a creep now.
In the span of a week I lost everything, and I was expected to accept it, I tried but I was weak.
Three months later, I can't get over it. For a little bit I thought maybe I could move on, but everything I do reminds me of them. How fucking cliche. I've had more emotions from this than I've had with any other loss, any other breakup, losing a friend, even deaths. Something about this just hurt so much more than anything and I feel like I'm missing an entire piece of my existence. I try to do everything I can, therapy, talking about it, trying to feel every emotion, or to move on, but nothing quells the love I have in my heart for them. It's genuinely unbearable to meet someone you connect with so strongly in such a way that you can't seem to find in anyone else, even your best friends. I would give anything to be with them again, to tell them I'm sorry, to make amends. I feel so lost, hopeless, and alone.
I just keep hoping somewhere deep down that those kind men who always seemed to understand me and my values would be able to see past all the hurt and emotions and understand that I just wanted them to be part of my life. The hardest part is knowing that if I had just been patient I would likely be talking to them again by now. Instead, I'm mourning for an indefinite future.

Until recently, I thought that male loneliness and men's mental health was a serious issue. I came to the idea because of the statistics about male suicide and alcohol- and drug-related deaths of men, because of the "Man up" and "Boys don't cry" stigma, and because it's an always returning meme in social media that someone says "No one cares about men" and it gets massive amount of attention like this video with a million views and everyone says "Yes, it's true" (not to forget the stories of Norah Vincent or trans men who say the experienced emotional starvation after transitioning).
But I think I was dead wrong. Right now I lean to the belief that men don't really suffer from a loneliness and mental health crisis, saying this is just virtue-signaling. The reasons for this is that I analyzed the whole issue and saw my own experiences when tried to talk about the issue. Before I go any further, I want to say:

• The male suicide rates, in my opinion, aren't caused by higher rates of serious depression among men. There is in German a word called "Bilanzsuizid", it means committing suicide not because you are depressed, but because you didn't achieve your goals and don't want to live anymore (you don't feel depressed, you just don't see a reason to exist anymore). The only English word I found for this is "rational suicide." I think these suicides are much more common among men. Men have higher expectations for their life outcomes than women and are therefore more likely to end disappointed. This can also explain why whites have much higher suicide rates than blacks (whites have higher expectations for their life outcomes than blacks).
• The alcohol- and drug-related deaths for men might be just because men are more likely to be risk-takers. Men are also more likely to die in car accidents or while doing dangerous hobbys. If anything, taking alcohol and drugs might lead to depression and not the other way around (although cases for the latter can exist too).
• "Men have no friends" - yeah, about that ... I surprisingly didn't find that much evidence that men have fewer friends and are less outgoing that women. There are some studies that say so, but others say it's equal. Even more surprising, there's not much evidence that having a family and many friends make you happier (this is true for both genders). It seems to really depend on quality.

So yeah, I don't think we have a massive amount of loneliness and undiagnosed depression among men that explains all the male surplus in suicides and alcohol- and drug-related deaths (and just as a sidenote, the mass shootings in the U.S. are a gun problem. Mental health issues are not higher in the U.S. than other countries, but Americans have more guns and a terrible gun culture).
What about all the "Men are not allowed to show weakness" narrative? This is probably the biggest lie in the whole debate. It's very easy to see that men are alowed to show weakness. The only "rule" is that you have to find the right group. People who are your enemies might make fun of you if show vulnerability, yes, but your friends or peers will usually not. In the political sphere, you can see how Jordan Peterson's crying marathon was not punished by conservatives, the same way a leftist man who shows vulnerability won't be punished by leftists, and the same is true in all other real-life spheres. The notion that a man who expresses sadness or vulnerability to his peers (whether they're men or women) will get immediately ridiculed is incredibly outlandish. The men who say otherwise are talking about a self-imposed rule that they externalize instead of acknowledging that it comes from themselves. It's the same with women who say that beauty standards are oppressive to women. The reality is that this is a self-imposed thing, literally no one cares if a woman wears make-up or not. Women are not oppressed by beauty standards, and men are not oppressed by "not showing weakness" standards. Every man can easily find people who he can talk about his vulnerabilities (and cry if necessary) without being ridiculed. This leads to my conclusion: Telling men to talk more about their feelings is unnecessary. Not because "Men are different than women, we don't need to talk", no, it's because (1) I don't think men's mental health issues cause the higher rates in male suicides, drug- and alcohol-related deaths and mass shootings, and because (2) men can already talk about their feelings despite all the myths saying otherwise, so if they don't do it, they probably don't want it. There's no one holding them back, no stigma, no oppression, nothing. I never was someone who said therapy is a wonder solution (there's many legitimate critics to be made about therapy). However, I thought it should be destigmatized and offered more. Now I don't think that we should offer it more. It has nothing to do with "Therapy is feminized" or "Therapy has worse outcomes for men" (there's no evidence for that), it's just that it's clear that many men just don't want to go to therapy, and if you don't believe in therapy, going to therapy won't help you.
Many things said in social media are just virtue-signaling. The "No one cares about men" "We need to talk more about men's mental health" is probably just a part of it. It sounds good, but it's not really a thing (you can also see how many men who complain about not getting compliments actually mean they don't get sexual compliments from beautiful women). And at the end of the day, men talking less about their feelings might not even be true. I'm reminded about how in a mensrights post, someone commented how talking about a problem doesn't help him, men need solutions, etc., the usual men-don't-need-therapy-rant. One commenter answered:

100%. What good does talking about something do? I want solutions. I don't want to waste time talking about my problems. How does that help anyone?

I immediately saw the irony and responded:

Literally this whole sub is talking about problems without offering solutions.

He answered:

Yeah but this is free. If I'm paying for therapy, they damn well better be offering some solutions

Men might not show vulnerability, but they do vent all the time. What is this other than talking about their feelings? Complaining about feminism attacking men ("patriarchy", "toxic masculinity"), women having too high dating standards, etc. might be just a "male" form of therapy. No one is offering solutions, they are just endlessly talking about their feelings. It was right in front of our eyes all the time.

TLDR Ai summarized- I come from an abusive family and I married my boyfriend as a means of escaping the abuse. Now married my husband has his own issues, including alcohol and drug addiction, as well as anger problems. When I cheated on him before we got married, he became physically abusive towards me. Despite this, I stayed with him because I feared I would commit suicide if I left him. 2 years in found out I was pregnant. Throughout my pregnancy, I suffered miscarriages and abuse. Now, my husband has been jobless and smoking weed pens every day since November 2021. I feel like my mind and body are deteriorating due to the emotional and verbal abuse I have been enduring. Help
I come from an abusive family, marriage was my escape from it. I was the oldest of 10 kids, homeschooled at 14. I was looking for the attention my parents never gave me. My mother was a bipolar narcissist and cheated on my dad many times throughout their marriage, my dad a workaholic and alcoholic because of his problems with my mom. When I was 15 a 30 year old male neighbor started to groom me, thankfully I never lost my virginity to him. I also became suicidal and depressed because of how I was treated at home.
When I turned 16 August 2017, my husband then boyfriend 22 started talking to me. Our relationship was a secret. My parents normalized a lot of behavior that isn’t normal, so any red flags in my husband I did not see, or I simply looked past. My mom wasn’t supportive of my relationship when she found out because I feel that she felt like she was going to lose a good slave of hers.
Husbands short backstory- Car crash coma around 2014, he won money from it a few months before we got married. He has had headaches everyday since then. He smoked cigarettes, switching to vapes in 2018, then weed vapes around 2021. He also had alcohol problems but has stopped drinking around fall of 2021
My relationship turned sexual June 2018 with my bf and I started birth control. During that time he started working on the road. I wasn’t getting my attention I desired so I started talking to other people, I ended up cheating on him in August 2018 which was also when I started college. A few days after I cheated he came back to town. We had sex, and both of us started experiencing some flu like symptoms that later went away. But during that time he kept asking me if I cheated, I denied but then confessed. He tossed me around and hit me a couple times. I stayed because I felt like I was worthless and didn’t want to have my means of escaping my family to be gone. After he found out about what I did, he started to be verbally abusive towards me and tried to get vengeance but it didn’t work out.
I truly felt that if I broke up with him, that I would’ve committed suicide. April 2019, we got married. I was a few months shy of turning 18, but it was my escape. In May I finished my second trimester then quit college, and then we left on the road for his work. During this time I found things on his phone that he’d be in prison for. I kept telling him that if he kept doing what he was doing I’d leave him. Each time he confessed to me weeks later. Other times he’d physically abuse me for confronting him. He also picked up a really bad alcohol addiction in my opinion. He said it helped him fall asleep, and he’d piss the bed for months. I never shamed him for it.
I quit snooping on his phone to stop our fights. But then his treatment turned worse towards me. He’d always gaslight me and I thought I was losing my mind. I had no friends. I was isolated. I started doing photography on the side to make money, I never asked him for money but when he gave it he’d use it against me which made me strive harder to be independent. 2020 Covid hit. Our relationship was still the same. I never felt loved, or cherished by him. Food was my comfort during this time and I gained weight because of it. He’d always make fun of me. I never felt like a priority. He had a couple different contracts on the road that year.
December 2020 we were back home and I stopped taking birth control because I didn’t like the side effects. That same month I found out I was pregnant. He wasn’t happy. I had hyperemsis gravidarum during this time and lost over 50lbs. My husband was angry at me for not doing all of my wifely duties. My father called me a lot during this time because of his marriage problems. One night my husband got angry and he physically abused me. It was March 2021 I was 15 weeks along, a few days after the abuse I found out that I miscarried. I delivered alone because he kept complaining about his headaches, not being able to drink alcohol, and how uncomfortable the hospital was. I was depressed, and stayed in the relationship.
We went back on the road in May. I got pregnant again at the end of June 2021. But I miscarried a few days later, I think it was because of CBD gummies he gave me a few weeks before. I never took alcohol or drugs since. I told myself that I’d be leaving him within 6 months because of his verbal and emotional abuse towards me. His job ended in November. We went back home.
January 2022 I found out I was pregnant. He wasn’t happy. My entire pregnancy I was mistreated. I was sick like a dog with hyperemsis gravidarum. He’d force me to clean up around the house. I finally was able to eat food after 17 weeks. His attitude never changed towards me my entire pregnancy.
From November 2021 he has been jobless, and smoking weed pens every single day. He makes a lot of excuses to not do anything. He wants me to put all of the effort in everything. He’s still verbally and emotionally abusive. The last time I was physically abused was December 2022 and I told him I’d call cops if he dared to again. My mind and body feels like it’s deteriorating. He doesn’t see the urgency of getting back to work. He has a huge stash of guns, and threatened to shoot me once.
I’m sick and tired. I know I deserve better. How do I leave? What do I do?

im not gonna bullshit around what happened. here it is, and I am not afraid to be criticized so please please please, I want to be better:
I (22F) and my ex (26M) have been in a beautiful, loving relationship for about 9 months. We met last year, and we fell deep in love with one another. Our values, beliefs, goals, and future. lifestyles, family, preferences ALL LINED UP. And attraction, amazing sex life, and respect, we were each other BEST FRIENDS. We treated each other with unconditional love and care. Anytime we "fought" in person, it was easily resolved because we always argued with respect and passion, and always understood one another, even if it hurts. We were very healthy and compatible.
However, 3 months ago, my bf (at the time) had to go on a 3-month work trip (which he is still there and I am in our home city). We planned to stay together and make it work. However, because his career hit an exponential rise in workload, our initial plans to "stay in touch" began to dissipate.
Now, out of our 9 months together, THIS specific month was too much to compromise. I am about to explain what happened, and I would love to hear outside perspectives if this is something that is "normal" in relationships, and can be reconciled if the love truly is unconditional.
I want to give you traits as to who I am, and who he is, as a person. Because these factors really make or break relationships.
Both, my partner and I share similar core traits that we love about each other- Compassion, self-awareness, understanding, empathy, kind, ambitious, family oriented. We also are very very sensitive. We both are very sensitive to each other's moods and tones and can read each other like a book.
My ex (26M) is very mature, well rounded, self-sufficient, and confidence. Basically, this man is an amazing person. He is beautiful inside and out. Of course people have flaws, but I was able to love his flaws while we were together. and He loved me for that. We never had any malicious or evil intent. No game-playing, no lying, no deception. He is pure genuine love.
Now, I would describe myself the same way. I have so much love for the world, and I am dedicated to becoming a child psychologist to fulfill my need to heal. However, I struggle with regulating my emotions when specific triggered appear.
the thing is, everyone, EVERYONE, has "Demons", "triggers" child hood trauma...
And my ex (26M) has effectively been able to work on his issues and keep up with them (ofc he would slip up a couple times, but easily forgivable).
But, since I am (22F) with not much life or romantic experience. So I fucked up. I FUCKED UP REDDIT. I let an immature survival response scare the man I love away.
This month, while he's been away on work, the phone communication was cut almost more than half. His work had gotten so busy, that he didn't realize that his free time would have been so taken up. And be basically uninvited me to come visit him for 2 reasons: 1. He is very busy, and wants to focus on his work, 2. He could tell I was struggling mentally and suggested I reach out to my family or friends so he doesn't need to worry about me all the time.
I struggle with "depressive" and "manic" episodes, however, they are very rare because I am medicated, and treated. My boyfriend always knew of my issues, but never became an issue. until we were away for each other for 3 months, I regressed 20 years and became an ADULT BABY. I mean, I was screaming, crying, on the phone. Blowing his phone up like a crazy crazy person. He asked for a break, but since I was out of my mind, I flipped out again.
I called him 4 days ago, he answered aggressively. He rarely gets angry or holds a grudge. Bit He told me I crossed his boundaries, and that he is so overwhelmed that he cant give me anything anymore. He said I don't believe him when he says he loves me, and that he is coming back for me. So he broke up with me. He said to not reach out and he wouldn't reach out.
We haven't spoken in almost a week.
I am devastated. It snapped me completely out of that manic craze.I am faced with the consequences of taking love for granted.
I know my fault, I want to be better, and I am getting better. My whole perspective of who I am , and who I REALLY WANT TO BE is so clear now. And I know I NEVER want to be that girl again.
I am grieving over the loss that someone who told me our love was special and doesn't lie, yet it somehow still ended because of an immature stupid mistake that sensibly would scare a man away forever.
My ex arrives back to our home city full time in THREE WEEKS.
We still have each others stuff. I am watching his plants, clothes, keys. wtc.
All our families and friends still follow each other and view each other's stories. even after a week of no contact.
My ex also said he really doesn't want to break up with me, but he has no choice. I cqnnot decifer if that means he will forgive and reach out, or if he throws away anyone with one sight of a red flag.
But the type of person he is, he knows, people define who they are by the mistakes they never do again. He believes its how people grow and conquer that define character. and if he is that mature, I believe he may be open to allowing me to properly apologize in person.
If I really really know who he is based on our beautiful relationship and love, there is NO WAY in which he would leave our very last phone call the way it ended over ONE heated misunderstanding:(. My gut tells me he will reach out when he is back, and is settled, and is healed from the trauma I caused him. and honestly, he is such a beautiful person, that I wouldn't be angry if he never reached out. Because I know I took for granted true love, and its my responsibility to pick up the pieces.
I just know, once we look into each others eyes again, after 3 months of tragic heart ache, all the unfinished sensations of awe, attraction, mysteriousness, and passion. I truly feel our love was special. And once he is reminded of all the healthy and amazing memories when he is settled back home after a stressful 3 month work trip, maybe he will reach out. maybe he will want his stuff.
And that can be my moment is just show him, even if its a 5 second goodbye, that I am healthier, happier, and more independent than before. I want to glow. I want to glow even brighter than when he first fell in love with me
And he will see how my flaws are beautiful, just like how I see his flaws as beautiful.
Or am i in denial?
did i lose true love?

Bad Dragon toys are all made of the highest quality silicone! So watch out when storing them next to toys that aren’t the same grade silicone! Companies can label any grade silicone as medical grade but that doesn’t mean they won’t hurt your Bad Dragon brand toys! Avoid PVC, Jelly, and Rubber sex toys! Especially don’t store them touching your Bad Dragons!
So you want to buy your first Bad Dragon? Go for it! They may be expensive but you pay for quality! Even if you’re not super into knots, tentacles, or monster size dildos they have more humanoid models: Archer (Uncut), Archer, John, Pierce, etc! They run large so please check the measurements before you buy! My first Bad Dragon toys were a M/M Sveinn and a M/M Demon Dick! I made the mistake of only using the photo for reference!
When it comes to buying you’re typically going to buy from the inventory, you can browse the models on their home page or using the “shop now” button. When browsing the models you can click on any of the toys and come across a sizing chart and a photo reference! Once you’ve decided on what you are looking for go ahead and click on the inventory! It’s gonna be organized by price “low to high” by default but you can decide to sort it by “A-Z” “Z-A” “Size: Small to Large” “Size: Large to Small” or even by the date it was added to the inventory! If you’re looking to save some money I suggest going to the filter option and looking for “flop” toys! These toys will still be body safe but may have minor imperfections! Small nicks and pigment inclusions can take a toy that’s $115 and bring it down to $98! They won’t always be super discounted but you never know when you’ll find the toy of your dreams!
If none of the toys in the inventory are the exact color or size you’re wanting customs are open the first Friday of every month! It might cost you a little more if you’re wanting a fade or marble (fades not supported on mini toys as well as some custom colors)
This is all of course after you’ve decided on what model will fit your needs!
For humanoid toy lovers who know what they like and want to stick to it I recommend Archer (Uncut) in Mini/Small for those without a size kink! I own a M/M and even with my raging size kink it is a beast to concur!
Side note: when taking bigger toys (even vaginally) you’re going to want to use a lot of water based lube! Bad Dragon toys are no joke! I definitely recommend their cum lube as it is designed with their toys in mind (now in clear as well if cum color isn’t doing it for you) another lube I recommend is KY jelly! It’s a classic for a reason!
If a tentacle is something you’re curious about I recommend Ika for both Anal and Vaginal! It’s got a nice tapeswell that isn’t too overwhelming for a beginner or a seasoned pro! Even using my size L/M I find it’s not dauntingly thick! Tako is a very underrated model as well! Especially since it can double as a grinder for external stimulation at the drop of a hat! I also own a S/M Pretzal which is great as well but isn’t a frequent in my rotation!
If you were Team Jacob in your Twilight phase knots might be for you! If your ao3 history heavily features omegaverse fics…I’m gonna say you’ll enjoy a knot! Bad Dragon has a wide variety of these, but my top two are gonna be Diego and Nova! I love the model Diego so much I own a S/M and a M/M! Vaginally both these toys are in my top ten! Anally I recommend Razor, his tip is slightly curved with makes for easier insertion (with the added bonus of prostate stimulation for those with prostates)
I save a cowboy…ride a horse! If equestrian cocks are your cup of tea you’re in the right place! Personally I recommend Bumblehooves for a beginner, and Slepnir if you’re here for girth like me! Something about the way their slightly larger heads pop in is really satisfying vaginally! Anally I recommend Mystic! Or if you’re not quite sold on the whole ‘save a cowboy, ride a horse’ bit!
If you were weirdly attracted to the dementors when you first watched Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban….or maybe you found yourself drawn to the Xindi (Maybe you like villains idk) If that’s true then you’re probably looking for something more demonic or alien in nature! You’ve come to the right place! I’d say there are probably more options in this category! However, I recommend the classic Demon Dick for both Vaginal and Anal! Anally if you’re looking for Prostate stimulation I’ll give Kelvin a good shoutout! He’s so curved he’s gonna pinpoint any g-spot you have!
Now I must warn you about the toys I DO NOT recommend to a beginner! If you’re a a pro go ahead and buy them! Whatever you wanna do! However, if size is an issue for you I don’t recommend Baron, Flint, Lenneth, or Fenrir! Even in size mini Fenrir, Flint, and Baron are quite large!
What size and firmness should I get? Hmmm that’s a hard question to answer! Personally I don’t recommend Firm Firmness, there is just less give! Especially if it’s a larger model! My go to method is the wider it is, the softer you’ll want it! A thin soft toy is almost as useless as a XL firm toy! Toys come in Soft, Medium, and Firm! You can also do split firmess when making a custom toy to help it stand better! A long but softer toy won’t stand as well on its own and may lean! Suction cups and firmer bases make these easier to use!
You can also purchase toys with cum tubes which will simulate ejaculation! These toys can be fun but are especially hard to clean! I’ve owned two toys with cum tubes and both times the tube has molded! It is a feature that is erotic but risky! My main issue is making sure the toy and the tube are dry! Buy at your own risk!
YOU MUST CLEAN YOUR TOYS!!!
You don’t want bacteria on your sex toys! Especially expensive, pretty ones! Now if you live with parents/roommates it isn’t life or death if you don’t wash them after every use! However, I don’t recommend waiting more than two days! My routine is I wash each toy before and after use, with swarm water and a gentle soap! Then on a bi-monthly basis I deep clean all my toys and the containers I store them in! You can sanitize your Bad Dragon toys in a dishwasher, or soak them in a 10% bleach solution! I recommend washing them with soap AFTER you soak them…
LET YOUR TOYS DRY BEFORE PUTTING THEM AWAY!!!
I store all my sex toys including my Bad Dragon toys in fabric storage bins, and a small chest with soft lined drawers meant for jewelry or lingerie! Besides the soft bins/drawers I also keep all my toys in drawstring bags! Most are in sheer bags or smaller toys are in Crown Royal bags! Bad Dragon sells their own storage bags! They are your safest choice!
Thanks for reading! Hope I covered everything…

It took me years to gather up my DC and Marvel superhero Funko Pop collection and I’m very proud of it and love showing it off. I display them proudly in our living room but my girlfriend insists on putting them away when we have company over. Is she ashamed of me and should this be a red flag?

SO. I 22F met a guy 20M on tinder in December 2022. we texted for about 3 days and i had ghosted him. side note we didn’t have plans and i didn’t stand him up or anything but i still ghosted. not gonna bother giving an excuse as to why i did it bc it doesn’t add to the story and i acknowledge all of my wrongs and don’t intend on EVER treating someone like that again.
anyways, i had seen him on campus about a month later and texted him apologizing for what i did. i didn’t do this with the intention that we could go out but he responded that he understood completely and he still wanted to take me out on a date. how could i say no to that. fast forward we’ve been on 2 dates, we’re texting quite a bit and he’s an absolute gentleman. our chemistry is out of this world and it seemed perfect so far. i wasn’t in love or had feelings but it was the start of something that could’ve been real. that’s when he decides to ghost me right back the day before our 3rd date. that’s fair i absolutely deserved a taste of my own medicine. a couple days later i text him again pathetically. then a month or so later i text him again saying i was thinking about him and was wondering if we can hang. you can guess that he obvi didn’t respond. embarrassing on my part I KNOW. on the meanwhile i had seen him pop up on my tinder as online quite literally the day after he ghosted and a couple times after that so he’s not really off the market.
since then i’ve been on a bit of a mission to find someone else i can connect with as well as i did with him. and i mean a real mission, in the last 2 months i’ve had a thing with maybe 15+ guys. not sleeping the pain away just trying to meet people ya know (i.e dates).
i’ve been having a hard time and i noticed every time i end it with someone else (no longer ghosting btw i communicate now) i feel the same intense pain that i did when he ghosted all over again. at the time, i didn’t think i needed to heal for longer than a month for a guy i knew all of 2 weeks but i’m starting to think i may have been distracting myself instead of healing. i did the whole thing tho… i journaled, i reached out to people, i got angry, i got sad, i wrote poetry THE WHOLE NINE YARDS for a month and yet i still feel hurt and cry over it on some days.
what i’m asking for is advice if anyone has any to spare. how do i sincerely “feel my feelings” or, whatever the fuck, the right way so i can move on once and for all

Disabled father has a child support obligation which exceeds his modest monthly income
Here is my reply to this father in the hopes that it helps other disabled parents and their children.
I'm not an attorney and this is not legal advice.

"(2)The maximum part of the aggregate disposable earnings of an individual for any workweek which is subject to garnishment to enforce any order for the support of any person shall not exceed—...specified in clause (B) shall be deemed to be 65 per centum,:
15 U.S. Code § 1673 - Restriction on garnishment

https://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/15/1673#a_1
Your pay may include no disposable earnings, which means your income is ineligible for garnishment:

Therefore, if the pay period is weekly and disposable earnings are $217.50 ($7.25 × 30) or less, there can be no garnishment. If disposable earnings are more than $217.50 but less than $290 ($7.25 × 40), the amount above $217.50 can be garnished. If disposable earnings are $290 or more, a maximum of 25% can be garnished. When pay periods cover more than one week, multiples of the weekly restrictions must be used to calculate the maximum amounts that may be garnished. The table and examples at the end of this fact sheet illustrate these amounts.
MAXIMUM GARNISHMENT OF DISPOSABLE EARNINGS (GENERALLY)FOR THE $7.25 MINIMUM WAGE Weekly Biweekly Semimonthly Monthly $217.50 or less:
NONE
$435.00 or less:
NONE
$471.25 or less:
NONE
$942.50 or less:
NONE
https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fact-sheets/30-cppa

State child support, parenting time, and child protection, and elder abuse are all primarily funded under federal law Title IV-D and Title IV-E. Consider filing complaints.

HHS Office of Inspector General
Phone. 1-800-HHS-TIPS (1-800-447-8477)
https://oig.hhs.gov/fraud/report-fraud/contact.asp
HHS Office of Civil Rights
https://www.hhs.gov/civil-rights/filing-a-complaint/index.html

Department of Justice Civil Rights

The Civil Rights Division of the Department of Justice, created in 1957 by the enactment of the Civil Rights Act of 1957, works to uphold the civil and constitutional rights of all Americans, particularly some of the most vulnerable members of our society. The Division enforces federal statutes prohibiting discrimination on the basis of race, color, sex, disability, religion, familial status and national origin.
https://www.justice.gov/crt

I would contact the court and request a court appointed attorney and/or self service forms and requests a relief from judgement and/or child support modification reflecting the legal rights to which I am entitled.
It does your children no good to have a parent who starves to death, and it's not consistent with what I understand the law to be.
I wish you the best of luck in your search for justice.
Tweet and gettr with me to seek justice:

Disabled father has a child support obligation which exceeds his modest monthly income. Fix @OIGatHHS @HHSOCR @USDOL @POTUS @GOPHELP #disabled #childsupport #fathersrights https://www.reddit.com/MensRights/comments/126b6r3/disabled_father_has_a_child_support_obligation/

End

Cover Art!
Just because you’re transported to another world, doesn’t mean you’ll escape from your pain.
Abused by her parents, thirteen-year-old Frances only wants to be safe and for her life not to hurt so much. And when she and her class are transported to the magical world of Durannon to fight the monsters invading the human kingdoms and defeat the self-titled Demon King, Frances is presented with a golden opportunity. If she succeeds, Frances will have the home she never had. If she fails, Frances will be summoned back to the home she escaped.
Yet, despite her newfound magic and friends, Frances finds that trauma is not so easily lost. She is dogged by her abuse and its physical and invisible scars. Not only does she have to learn magic, she has to survive the nightmares of her past, and wrestle with her feelings of doubt and self-loathing.
If she can heal from her trauma, though, she might be able to defeat the Demon King and maybe, just maybe, she can find a home for herself.
Teaser: Martin and Ginger are thrust into an unenviable role.
[The Beginning] [<=Chapter 182 part 2] [Chapter Index and Blurb] [Chapter 184 on April 5 or now on patreon ]
The Fractured Song Index
Discord Channel Just let me know when you arrive in the server that you’re a Patreon so you can access your special channel.
Despite his curly crimson beard and heavyset build King Jerome was quite a mild-mannered man. His soft chin and cheekbones lent the man a face more inclined to smiling than scowling.
He was doing both, which wasn’t something Martin nor Ginger had seen that. His eyes were narrowed and brow furrowed. His lips however were tilted in a wry smile.
“We did give you the authority to make treaties with Queen Janize directly, but these are harsh terms for us, Sir Martin, Lady Ginger.”
Martin had set up their mirror so he and Ginger were standing in front of it. He dipped his head, placing one hand over his chest. “I am afraid I don’t see any other option, Your Majesty. You know of the strategic situation and the dragons that Thorgoth has under his command. We didn’t want the civil war in the first place, but now we must end it or risk annihilation.”
Queen Forowena, despite her limp, was pacing around her chair. One hand clenched her chin. “We don’t even know if Janize will agree to meet with us in the first place. Though, that’s beside the point. You want to know if we ought to approve of this at all.”
“Yes ma’am, I mean, Your Majesties.” Ginger swallowed. “More importantly, we want to know if there are any terms you are demanding Queen Janize to accept.”
The eyes of Forowena and Jerome met. No words passed between them. Jerome only raised a thick eyebrow and Forowena nodded, before turning to the pair. “No, but I do have one question. Did Elizabeth and Frances tell you about my infertility?”
Martin winced, whilst Ginger coughed officiously. “Elizabeth did, Your Majesty. She said that she will take full responsibility for that breach, and states that trying to keep the secret was impossible given the nature of her mission and our involvement in it.”
Nodding, Martin braced himself and clasped his hands behind his back. “Which brings the question, Your Majesty, with all due respect, did you intend for us to assassinate Queen Janize and her child?”
Forowena and Jerome again glanced at one another. This time, Jerome was giving his wife a knowing smile and the Earl was pinching her nose.
“To speak truthfully, Sir Martin, Lady Ginger, we were not sure ourselves whether we wanted to kill Janize if she was pregnant. We have continued to debate the question and its consequences,” said Forowena.
Jerome grimaced. “What we knew for sure was that Erisdale had to be put to siege. Now, I argued that my sister should be spared as with her child.”
“And I argued that Janize and her child were a threat to our rule and our chosen successors. I don’t want to kill them for both moral and practical reasons, but I was not sure how to neutralise them.” The Earl ran a hand through her hair and glanced at her husband. “Dear, I believe that we can accept most of the terms that Martin and Ginger have offered our behalf except for the second point.”
The king took her hand, running his scarred fingers over Forowena’s knuckles “You are correct my dear. We will allow Janize's child to enter the line of succession, but we have chosen our successors.”
Martin did his best to keep his expression neutral. “Your Majesty, I don’t understand. There’s no other direct descendant of House Grey left.”
Forowena sighed, her eyes meeting Martin and Ginger’s. “No. That’s why after very careful thinking, we planned to appoint our successors. We have even talked to all the other lords and ladies who support us and even our kingdom’s most powerful mages. That’s why there’s no way we can fully accept that second condition. It would be impractical if not impossible to get them to switch their support.”
Martin frowned. He suddenly recalled a call where his mothers and sister had given him a very strange look. They seemed oddly proud, even when they’d just been talking about family gossip.
Jerome nodded, “That and we would still be at war with Alavaria. A child successor would be inherently less appealing, and especially one underneath the influence of Queen Janize at that.”
Rubbing her temples, Forowena drawled, “It’s also why Janize and her child are such a threat. Unless Janize formally renounces her claim, she’d always be able to make a bid for the throne through her child. Not to mention she could just influence the throne through her child if he or she becomes ruler of Erisdale.”
Ginger coughed into her fist. Lifting her chin, she glared defiantly at the mirror. “With all due respect, Your Majesties, it would be better than continuing this pointless civil war. So long as we execute Darius and strip the rest of the Traditionalists of their power, who cares if Janize has some influence over her child? She won’t be able to harm Alavari in Erisdale, or affect lasting change. We’ll still be here. We’ll watch her and if she goes too far we will have Queen Titania’s Alavaria assisting us.”
Martin narrowed his eyes. Forowena and Jerome were exchanging looks again. Both were smiling at each other, but the ends of their lips were curled into just a bit of a smirk.
“Your Majesties, perhaps you can enlighten us on who you decided to be your successors? If they are not a very popular choice, maybe we can accept Janize’s terms.” The knight watched the king and queen carefully as his words hung in the air. He watched as King Jerome blinked, tried to avert his gaze, before forcing himself to look him in the eye. He noted how Queen Forowena forced her features into an expressionless mask.
Martin felt a cold shiver run through the very core of his being. Unconsciously he grabbed Ginger’s hand. His fiance blinked, tuning to look at him with wide eyes. Martin swallowed.
“That is, unless for some insane reason you’ve chosen me and Ginger?”
The queen let out a small breath, while trying to keep her neutral expression. Jerome’s shoulders sagged and he patted Forowena’s shoulder. “Told you he’d figure it out.”
Ginger’s head whipped back to face the royal couple. “Wait, what? Impossible. I’m a commoner. A former convict!”
Forowena’s eyes narrowed and her voice rose. “You’re also popular with the people, one of our national heroes. If your little rebuke to us was any indication, you also are loyal not to Erisdale’s monarchy, but our country and people. As for the matter of your commoner background, you’re marrying Martin and you know what that means.”
Ginger hands clasped behind her head, almost screamed, “Yes, I am marrying into a distant relation of the Royal Family and one of the founding noble houses of Erisdale. I was ready for that! You’re asking me—us to become King and Queen of Erisdale!”
“Yes.” Forowena growled, bitter tears wetting her eyes. “And we would never do so if there was no other option, Lady Ginger, but I can’t conceive a child!”
Jerome’s hand reached over to squeeze his queen’s shoulder. “And there’s no way I’m divorcing my queen. I am a man of my word and I vowed to be with Forowena until death do us part. That won’t change.”
Martin coughed to clear his throat and crossed his arms. “Then why didn’t you just have a surrogate give birth to your child, Your Majesty? I know it would be shameful but did you consider that we may not want to be king and queen?”
The king blinked, looking a little like an owl caught by torchlight. Forowena grimaced. “I did discuss this with Jerome, but I couldn’t quite convince him. You do have a good point, Sir Martin. However, even if Jerome did finally agree to father a child with a surrogate, we would still want you and Ginger to become the next King and Queen.”
“Right, potential child ruler. Not good for Erisdale,” Ginger muttered.
Forowena grimaced. “That and how many children could Jerome father? He cannot simply start fathering children haphazardly. More importantly, children are vulnerable. Even if by some miracle I could bear children, I would push for you both to be added in the line of succession.”
Jerome nodded solemnly. “Neither of us are willing to risk the fate of Erisdale on a child, even if it was our own. Considering that our original discussion was about the potential for Janize’s child to inherit, I think you see our point.”
Ginger, biting the tip of her thumb, yanked her hand out of her mouth. “We couldn’t have been that popular a choice, though…right?”
Forowena grinned. “You weren’t everybody’s first choice, but you were on the lips of many and once we started to seriously press those who were hesitant, they agreed you two were the best option. They even pledged to support you.”
Ginger glanced at her husband, but he was still crossing his arms. He’d gone so still for a moment she wondered if he was breathing. Then her mind caught up with her.
“Every lord and lady under your command agreed on us?” she stammered.
“Including your sister Mara, Martin,” said Jerome.
Clutching her hands, Ginger took a deep breath. “But why not Lady Edana—
“Of Erlenberg and not Erisdalian,” said Forowena.
“Frances!”
Jerome shook his head, wincing. Forowena sighed. “Otherworlder and clearly too close to Prince Timur to make her look out for Erisdale’s interest.”
Ginger pressed a hand over her mouth, her free hand clenching into a fist and opening. “Shit. This…this is really happening.”
Martin closed his eyes and nodded. “I believe so. My…personal feelings aside, I will do my duty. But what do we tell Janize?”
“That we’ve appointed our own successors, but her child will be in the line of succession, with our successors house to take precedent over her own. That might complicate the succession law for the future, but that can be resolved in time.” Forowena snapped her fingers. “Ah, and we will also make it a condition that the amount wealth and land confiscated will be determined on the basis of who the Traditonalists persecuted and to provide compensation for property damaged by their forces in the war.”
Martin and Ginger exchanged a glance. “Including Alavari, Your Majesty?” Martin asked, his voice quiet.
Jerome nodded. “That is the intention, Sir Martin. Now…I believe you and your fiance have much to discuss. If that is all, you may request to be dismissed.”
“We do wish, Your Majesties,” said Martin, bowing. Ginger mirrored her fiance and the images of the king and queen faded.
Promptly walking over to one of their chests, Ginger fished into it and drew out a bottle of wine.
“Care for glass?” she asked as she fetched a goblet.
Martin sat down heavily onto his bedroll. “Yes. We…well nothing is guaranteed. I mean we haven’t even gotten married yet.”
Ginger poured herself and her fiance two glasses and handed one to Martin. “But we pledged to after the war, and so have the other lords and ladies of Erisdale. Damnit, of course Frances, Elizabeth and the others would support us, but everybody else?”
“It’s unexpected, but now that I think about it, most people wouldn’t want to be named heirs to Erisdale. It’ll be a hard job rebuilding this kingdom after the war and essentially starting a new dynasty.”
Sitting down, Ginger sipped from her glass. “Dynasty. Fuck, I’ll have to do something about my family.”
“Give your parents a stipend and nothing else.” Martin pursed his lips. “Of course, if you don’t want to be queen, Ginger, you can just—”
His fiance leant against his shoulder. “Finish that sentence and I will smack you. We’re in this together, Martin.”
“I know and I love you. I just wanted to make sure.” Martin took a deep gulp of wine and swallowed hard. “Hopefully, this is the last of the big responsibilities we get.”
Ginger snorted. “I would not bet on it my dear knight.”
Her fiance chuckled, before his lips pinched together. “Promise that you’ll never start calling me Your Majesty, please.”
Wrapping her arm around the blonde man, Ginger smiled. “You’ll always be my shining knight, Martin. Nothing will change that.”
“Thank you, Ginger.”
Pulling her feet off the table where Janize’s mirror was and sliding them back into slippers, Leila crossed her arms. “How many years since you’ve seen your brother?”
“Not since the civil war started, so about two years.” Janize smiled gave Leila a peck on the cheek. “Honestly, I am both irritated and a little proud of Jerome. I didn’t expect him to hold out, much less turn the tables on me. I always teased him when we were younger. He was too honorable, to the point that he was dumb. I suppose he just needed to find the right group of people to help him along. How long before the meeting by the way?”
Leila glanced at the high noon sun outside. “Not long now. I’ve also redoubled the security spells and checked the room.”
Janize nodded serenely. “Good. Anything else you can think of with regards to the conditions we have and their terms?”
The Otherworlder tapped her fingers on her arm. “Well, it’s not exactly something they demanded, but it might come up. They probably will demand compensation for the Alavari that we’ve been experimenting on. It’s probably why they demanded land and wealth from our rebelling nobles.”
“Pardon?”
Leila frowned, meeting Janize’s narrowed grey eyes. “I mean, it’ll be hard to argue with them. They’ve captured several of the labs and have our research notes—”
Janize raised her hand, her usually relaxed brow now furrowed. “Leila, what are you talking about? What do you mean by labs and experiments?”
The Otherworlder’s eyes widened and she found herself sitting up ramrod straight. “Um, is this a particularly amusing prank of yours?”
“We are minutes away from a critical meeting. Why would I joke about this with you now?” Janize hissed.
Leila blinked and slowly shook her head. “You’re kidding me. There’s no way you could have not been aware of this. The castles and labs were garrisoned with army troops and Red Order mages.”
“Leila this is the first time I’ve heard about these labs and castles—” Janize grimaced as the mirror began to glow, the sign that a call was coming. “Oh dear. Oh dear. I…I suppose I will have to request to be informed.” Settling herself, the queen touched the mirror and watched as King Jerome, Queen Forowena, Elizabeth, Ayax, Martin and Ginger appeared.
“Hello Janize,” said Jerome, coolly.
Janize smiled without mirth. “Greetings, Jerome. I must begin this meeting with a bit of a somewhat incredulous confession. But please bring me up to date on what exactly has been going on in the labs you have found that were apparently operated by my forces?”
The queen’s smile thinned as sceptical scowls and narrowed eyes met her question. Ayax blinked, tail whipping side to side. “You’re joking right?”
Janize cut before the stunned looking Reformists could ask another question. “I wish I was, but I was just informed by Leila here that they did exist. Speaking of which, how did you come to know about them, Leila? This is not something discussed in my palace.”
A grim, almost haunted look came over Leila’s face. “I found out about it recently as well. A few months ago, Master Scarlet of the Red Order requested Otherworlder assistance in defending their outposts and castles. They had no strategic value so we pressed her and she told us they were magical research laboratories and they couldn’t move the research easily. After that meeting, Earl Darius tried to convince me, saying that it would please Janize if I sallied forth. I wouldn’t normally have believed him, but our situation was so desperate I thought it made sense. I started to prepare a counterattack, but then it didn’t matter anyway because you folks in the Lightning Battalion started to attack them and there is no way in hell we would survive a fight with a full army division.”
Taking a deep breath, Elizabeth tried her best to get her own temper and confusion under control. “You mean you weren’t told what was going on in there? When did you find out about the children?”
“Our standing orders were to take Alavari prisoners of war and hand them over to the Red Order. So I figured—” Leila dropped her arms to her side. “Hold on. Children? What the fuck are you talking about? I thought they were experimenting with prisoners of war and criminals?”
A cold snarl twisting her normally serene expression, Ayax rose to her feet. “You Traditionalists haven’t even been fighting the Alavari! How could you have gotten prisoners of war? And experimenting on them is still wrong!”
Feeling a headache coming on, Janize gingerly massaged the side of her temple. “Wait, children? I thought that was propaganda you were spreading. Where the hell did you even get children from?”
“From the Alavari that lived in Erisdale, and from those that you kidnapped from Alavaria!” Elizabeth hissed.
“I authorized funding and troops for magical research, not that.” Her stony-masked stoicism wavered as her lips twitched. It was as if the queen was trying to prevent a wince. “It’s not that I don’t believe you, but this is extraordinary.”
His eyes narrowed, King Jerome leaned onto his elbows. “Janize, I don’t understand. How could you have known nothing? You don’t trust Earl Darius or Master Scarlet that much.”
Janize pulled her hands from her temples. Drawing herself straight, she narrowed her eyes at the mirror. “No I don’t, but this is the first time I’ve heard about these experiments.”
Leila blinked. She knew her lover better now and as good at hiding her feelings the queen was, she did have some subtle tells. In this case, her shoulders were just a bit too stiff, stretching skin across her high collarbone. “Janize, I’m sorry, but that’s…not entirely true isn’t it?”
The queen tilted her head toward the Otherworlder. Her grey eyes glared daggers at Leila for a brief moment, before she turned back to the mirror. In an arch tone, she hissed between gritted teeth, “I know they were making mana batteries. However, it’s the first time I’ve heard about children. I have been suspicious about why Master Scarlet and Earl Darius require so many facilities for some time and have been trying to audit them. They’ve been stonewalling me with magical and military jargon or burying it in budget books under nondescript lines.”
Leila blinked. “Oh that’s why you were asking me what those words meant.”
“Yes, dear. Now, if the interrogation is over, I will agree to offer compensation to those children and their surviving family members. In return, I have my own conditions.”
Forowena sneered. “Name them. We have our own conditions as well.”
Janize grinned back. “First, my child is not to be next in line to the throne of Erisdale. In fact, I would like to renounce my right of succession and that of my child.”
It was rather hard for Elizabeth, Ayax and their allies to hide their surprise. Admirably, King Jerome only managed to show his shock through a series of rapid blinks. “That’s a major concession, sister.”
The queen turned her chin up. “In return, once you depose Earl Darius, you grant me his personal lands and make me an Earl.”
Crossing her arms, her thoughts racing a mile-a-minute, Elizabeth muttered. “You’d become Erisdale’s chief powerbroker.”
“I am surrendering after all and most of my allies will be gone. You got to give me something. Besides, if I remain Earl, I’d be able to keep what remains of the Traditonalists in check. Exile honestly doesn’t suit me, as comfortable as it would be. I want my child to have a future, not one where he or she has no allies and is bound to the crown.”
Forowena and Jerome glanced at one another, exchanging frowns.
Martin also looked to Ginger, who shook her head. He nodded. They’d had their own discussion about Janize’s possible offers and they had their own opinion.
“Go get em, Martin,” Ginger rasped.
The knight swallowed and coughed officiously. “If I may be so bold, Your Majesties, I propose we grant Queen Janize a county, not an earldom. In return, we shall protect her from reprisals and reparations that the Crown of Alavaria will undoubtedly request.”
Leila rolled her eyes. “What crimes? As you said, we didn’t fight Alavaria.”
A shit-eating grin blossomed over Ginger’s face. Idly twirling a lock of her hair, she crossed her legs. “Earl Darius’s forces kidnapped Queen Titania’s niece, Princess Morgan Greyhammer from the Alavari Academy of Magic and subjected her to a year of torture and experimentation.”
In the silence that followed, all that could be heard was Leila trying not to sputter. Janize was quiet and still. Yet the color was drained from her face.
“That dumb bastard,” Janize whispered.
Leila slammed her fist on the table, causing Janize to flinch. “Fuck.”
“So a county it is, then?” Ginger asked in an airy tone.
“Yes. Do you confirm your side of your terms?” Janize asked.
“We do. Our demand was that your child could not be our successor, which you have agreed to.”
“So the dynasty of the House of Grey ends I suppose.” Janize let out a shuddering breath and shook her head. “Then who is to be your successor?”
Martin and Ginger clasped each other’s hands in unison before facing the group.
“We are,” said Martin slowly.
“Until someone better is found,” said Ginger.
Janize arched an eyebrow. Leila sighed. The queen, however, nudged her Otherworlder quiet and gave a nod of assent. “A wise choice. Shall we continue?”
Author’s Note: So yeah, this is a bit of a twist, let’s see what happens.

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34 F / married poly here. About six months ago I posted about my FWB fails. In general, I was disappointed by a few situations that made me feel regret for being a sexually liberated woman after having been essentially ghosted whilst hoping for more consistency. It’s not easy to be a poly woman and not be treated like a sex object, folks — turns out I’d like to be seen as a whole person. Anywho, I was looking for actual friendship in addition to sexual chemistry, and y’all lovely people gave me tons of great advice as to how better parse and navigate potential FWBs.
Flash forward 5 months, and I have a really lovely FWB I’ve been seeing for that duration. We’ve been able to develop sexual and friendship relationships concurrently, we’ve become super close, we have tons of fun together, and we have insane chemistry and insanely good sex. I’ve supported him through a breakup, he’s supportive of my marriage, we’ve met one another’s friends, he and hubs are happy to kick it (makes me heart so happy), we’ve had a threesome (hottest night of my life, need a repeat soon). But it hasn’t been seamless — hubs and I are in therapy, and FWB and I have had a few moments of contention at times due to the casual but invested nature, similar but not exactly parallel expectations of one another, and just getting to know one another in general. But overall, things are going swimmingly with FWB who has become one of my favorite people on the planet.
I’m newly open, and he’s a poly baby/solo dating poly person. So together we’re learning how to have a meaningful connection without needing to subscribe to the relationship escalator, and we’re both getting more comfortable and secure in our situationship. He makes me super happy, it’s reciprocal, and it feels good as hell.
Anywho- my top tips/lessons learned for finding a great FWB: - the spectrum of what FWB means is broad, so be real clear with your expectations - date only other actual poly or NM people - for M/F couples/dating, does this person have other friends of the opposite sex? Yes is a green flag - Don’t lower your expectations for anyone - Be wary of those who promise you the moon, as well as shiny penny chasers - Emphatic yeses only
Thanks for listening and for being there for me, community! 😘

im not gonna bullshit around what happened. here it is, and I am not afraid to be criticized so please please please, I want to be better:
I (22F) and my ex (26M) have been in a beautiful, loving relationship for about 9 months. We met last year, and we fell deep in love with one another. Our values, beliefs, goals, and future. lifestyles, family, preferences ALL LINED UP. And attraction, amazing sex life, and respect, we were each other BEST FRIENDS. We treated each other with unconditional love and care. Anytime we "fought" in person, it was easily resolved because we always argued with respect and passion, and always understood one another, even if it hurts. We were very healthy and compatible.
However, 3 months ago, my bf (at the time) had to go on a 3-month work trip (which he is still there and I am in our home city). We planned to stay together and make it work. However, because his career hit an exponential rise in workload, our initial plans to "stay in touch" began to dissipate.
Now, out of our 9 months together, THIS specific month was too much to compromise. I am about to explain what happened, and I would love to hear outside perspectives if this is something that is "normal" in relationships, and can be reconciled if the love truly is unconditional.
I want to give you traits as to who I am, and who he is, as a person. Because these factors really make or break relationships.
Both, my partner and I share similar core traits that we love about each other- Compassion, self-awareness, understanding, empathy, kind, ambitious, family oriented. We also are very very sensitive. We both are very sensitive to each other's moods and tones and can read each other like a book.
My ex (26M) is very mature, well rounded, self-sufficient, and confidence. Basically, this man is an amazing person. He is beautiful inside and out. Of course people have flaws, but I was able to love his flaws while we were together. and He loved me for that. We never had any malicious or evil intent. No game-playing, no lying, no deception. He is pure genuine love.
Now, I would describe myself the same way. I have so much love for the world, and I am dedicated to becoming a child psychologist to fulfill my need to heal. However, I struggle with regulating my emotions when specific triggered appear.
the thing is, everyone, EVERYONE, has "Demons", "triggers" child hood trauma...
And my ex (26M) has effectively been able to work on his issues and keep up with them (ofc he would slip up a couple times, but easily forgivable).
But, since I am (22F) with not much life or romantic experience. So I fucked up. I FUCKED UP REDDIT. I let an immature survival response scare the man I love away.
This month, while he's been away on work, the phone communication was cut almost more than half. His work had gotten so busy, that he didn't realize that his free time would have been so taken up. And be basically uninvited me to come visit him for 2 reasons: 1. He is very busy, and wants to focus on his work, 2. He could tell I was struggling mentally and suggested I reach out to my family or friends so he doesn't need to worry about me all the time.
I struggle with "depressive" and "manic" episodes, however, they are very rare because I am medicated, and treated. My boyfriend always knew of my issues, but never became an issue. until we were away for each other for 3 months, I regressed 20 years and became an ADULT BABY. I mean, I was screaming, crying, on the phone. Blowing his phone up like a crazy crazy person. He asked for a break, but since I was out of my mind, I flipped out again.
I called him 4 days ago, he answered aggressively. He rarely gets angry or holds a grudge. Bit He told me I crossed his boundaries, and that he is so overwhelmed that he cant give me anything anymore. He said I don't believe him when he says he loves me, and that he is coming back for me. So he broke up with me. He said to not reach out and he wouldn't reach out.
We haven't spoken in almost a week.
I am devastated. It snapped me completely out of that manic craze.I am faced with the consequences of taking love for granted.
I know my fault, I want to be better, and I am getting better. My whole perspective of who I am , and who I REALLY WANT TO BE is so clear now. And I know I NEVER want to be that girl again.
I am grieving over the loss that someone who told me our love was special and doesn't lie, yet it somehow still ended because of an immature stupid mistake that sensibly would scare a man away forever.
My ex arrives back to our home city full time in THREE WEEKS.
We still have each others stuff. I am watching his plants, clothes, keys. wtc.
All our families and friends still follow each other and view each other's stories. even after a week of no contact.
My ex also said he really doesn't want to break up with me, but he has no choice. I cqnnot decifer if that means he will forgive and reach out, or if he throws away anyone with one sight of a red flag.
But the type of person he is, he knows, people define who they are by the mistakes they never do again. He believes its how people grow and conquer that define character. and if he is that mature, I believe he may be open to allowing me to properly apologize in person.
If I really really know who he is based on our beautiful relationship and love, there is NO WAY in which he would leave our very last phone call the way it ended over ONE heated misunderstanding:(. My gut tells me he will reach out when he is back, and is settled, and is healed from the trauma I caused him. and honestly, he is such a beautiful person, that I wouldn't be angry if he never reached out. Because I know I took for granted true love, and its my responsibility to pick up the pieces.
I just know, once we look into each others eyes again, after 3 months of tragic heart ache, all the unfinished sensations of awe, attraction, mysteriousness, and passion. I truly feel our love was special. And once he is reminded of all the healthy and amazing memories when he is settled back home after a stressful 3 month work trip, maybe he will reach out. maybe he will want his stuff.
And that can be my moment is just show him, even if its a 5 second goodbye, that I am healthier, happier, and more independent than before. I want to glow. I want to glow even brighter than when he first fell in love with me
And he will see how my flaws are beautiful, just like how I see his flaws as beautiful.
Or am i in denial?
did i lose true love?

im not gonna bullshit around what happened. here it is, and I am not afraid to be criticized so please please please, I want to be better:
I (22F) and my ex (26M) have been in a beautiful, loving relationship for about 9 months. We met last year, and we fell deep in love with one another. Our values, beliefs, goals, and future. lifestyles, family, preferences ALL LINED UP. And attraction, amazing sex life, and respect, we were each other BEST FRIENDS. We treated each other with unconditional love and care. Anytime we "fought" in person, it was easily resolved because we always argued with respect and passion, and always understood one another, even if it hurts. We were very healthy and compatible.
However, 3 months ago, my bf (at the time) had to go on a 3-month work trip (which he is still there and I am in our home city). We planned to stay together and make it work. However, because his career hit an exponential rise in workload, our initial plans to "stay in touch" began to dissipate.
Now, out of our 9 months together, THIS specific month was too much to compromise. I am about to explain what happened, and I would love to hear outside perspectives if this is something that is "normal" in relationships, and can be reconciled if the love truly is unconditional.
I want to give you traits as to who I am, and who he is, as a person. Because these factors really make or break relationships.
Both, my partner and I share similar core traits that we love about each other- Compassion, self-awareness, understanding, empathy, kind, ambitious, family oriented. We also are very very sensitive. We both are very sensitive to each other's moods and tones and can read each other like a book.
My ex (26M) is very mature, well rounded, self-sufficient, and confidence. Basically, this man is an amazing person. He is beautiful inside and out. Of course people have flaws, but I was able to love his flaws while we were together. and He loved me for that. We never had any malicious or evil intent. No game-playing, no lying, no deception. He is pure genuine love.
Now, I would describe myself the same way. I have so much love for the world, and I am dedicated to becoming a child psychologist to fulfill my need to heal. However, I struggle with regulating my emotions when specific triggered appear.
the thing is, everyone, EVERYONE, has "Demons", "triggers" child hood trauma...
And my ex (26M) has effectively been able to work on his issues and keep up with them (ofc he would slip up a couple times, but easily forgivable).
But, since I am (22F) with not much life or romantic experience. So I fucked up. I FUCKED UP REDDIT. I let an immature survival response scare the man I love away.
This month, while he's been away on work, the phone communication was cut almost more than half. His work had gotten so busy, that he didn't realize that his free time would have been so taken up. And be basically uninvited me to come visit him for 2 reasons: 1. He is very busy, and wants to focus on his work, 2. He could tell I was struggling mentally and suggested I reach out to my family or friends so he doesn't need to worry about me all the time.
I struggle with "depressive" and "manic" episodes, however, they are very rare because I am medicated, and treated. My boyfriend always knew of my issues, but never became an issue. until we were away for each other for 3 months, I regressed 20 years and became an ADULT BABY. I mean, I was screaming, crying, on the phone. Blowing his phone up like a crazy crazy person. He asked for a break, but since I was out of my mind, I flipped out again.
I called him 4 days ago, he answered aggressively. He rarely gets angry or holds a grudge. Bit He told me I crossed his boundaries, and that he is so overwhelmed that he cant give me anything anymore. He said I don't believe him when he says he loves me, and that he is coming back for me. So he broke up with me. He said to not reach out and he wouldn't reach out.
We haven't spoken in almost a week.
I am devastated. It snapped me completely out of that manic craze.I am faced with the consequences of taking love for granted.
I know my fault, I want to be better, and I am getting better. My whole perspective of who I am , and who I REALLY WANT TO BE is so clear now. And I know I NEVER want to be that girl again.
I am grieving over the loss that someone who told me our love was special and doesn't lie, yet it somehow still ended because of an immature stupid mistake that sensibly would scare a man away forever.
My ex arrives back to our home city full time in THREE WEEKS.
We still have each others stuff. I am watching his plants, clothes, keys. wtc.
All our families and friends still follow each other and view each other's stories. even after a week of no contact.
My ex also said he really doesn't want to break up with me, but he has no choice. I cqnnot decifer if that means he will forgive and reach out, or if he throws away anyone with one sight of a red flag.
But the type of person he is, he knows, people define who they are by the mistakes they never do again. He believes its how people grow and conquer that define character. and if he is that mature, I believe he may be open to allowing me to properly apologize in person.
If I really really know who he is based on our beautiful relationship and love, there is NO WAY in which he would leave our very last phone call the way it ended over ONE heated misunderstanding:(. My gut tells me he will reach out when he is back, and is settled, and is healed from the trauma I caused him. and honestly, he is such a beautiful person, that I wouldn't be angry if he never reached out. Because I know I took for granted true love, and its my responsibility to pick up the pieces.
I just know, once we look into each others eyes again, after 3 months of tragic heart ache, all the unfinished sensations of awe, attraction, mysteriousness, and passion. I truly feel our love was special. And once he is reminded of all the healthy and amazing memories when he is settled back home after a stressful 3 month work trip, maybe he will reach out. maybe he will want his stuff.
And that can be my moment is just show him, even if its a 5 second goodbye, that I am healthier, happier, and more independent than before. I want to glow. I want to glow even brighter than when he first fell in love with me
And he will see how my flaws are beautiful, just like how I see his flaws as beautiful.
Or am i in denial?
did i lose true love?

im not gonna bullshit around what happened. here it is, and I am not afraid to be criticized so please please please, I want to be better:
I (22F) and my ex (26M) have been in a beautiful, loving relationship for about 9 months. We met last year, and we fell deep in love with one another. Our values, beliefs, goals, and future. lifestyles, family, preferences ALL LINED UP. And attraction, amazing sex life, and respect, we were each other BEST FRIENDS. We treated each other with unconditional love and care. Anytime we "fought" in person, it was easily resolved because we always argued with respect and passion, and always understood one another, even if it hurts. We were very healthy and compatible.
However, 3 months ago, my bf (at the time) had to go on a 3-month work trip (which he is still there and I am in our home city). We planned to stay together and make it work. However, because his career hit an exponential rise in workload, our initial plans to "stay in touch" began to dissipate.
Now, out of our 9 months together, THIS specific month was too much to compromise. I am about to explain what happened, and I would love to hear outside perspectives if this is something that is "normal" in relationships, and can be reconciled if the love truly is unconditional.
I want to give you traits as to who I am, and who he is, as a person. Because these factors really make or break relationships.
Both, my partner and I share similar core traits that we love about each other- Compassion, self-awareness, understanding, empathy, kind, ambitious, family oriented. We also are very very sensitive. We both are very sensitive to each other's moods and tones and can read each other like a book.
My ex (26M) is very mature, well rounded, self-sufficient, and confidence. Basically, this man is an amazing person. He is beautiful inside and out. Of course people have flaws, but I was able to love his flaws while we were together. and He loved me for that. We never had any malicious or evil intent. No game-playing, no lying, no deception. He is pure genuine love.
Now, I would describe myself the same way. I have so much love for the world, and I am dedicated to becoming a child psychologist to fulfill my need to heal. However, I struggle with regulating my emotions when specific triggered appear.
the thing is, everyone, EVERYONE, has "Demons", "triggers" child hood trauma...
And my ex (26M) has effectively been able to work on his issues and keep up with them (ofc he would slip up a couple times, but easily forgivable).
But, since I am (22F) with not much life or romantic experience. So I fucked up. I FUCKED UP REDDIT. I let an immature survival response scare the man I love away.
This month, while he's been away on work, the phone communication was cut almost more than half. His work had gotten so busy, that he didn't realize that his free time would have been so taken up. And be basically uninvited me to come visit him for 2 reasons: 1. He is very busy, and wants to focus on his work, 2. He could tell I was struggling mentally and suggested I reach out to my family or friends so he doesn't need to worry about me all the time.
I struggle with "depressive" and "manic" episodes, however, they are very rare because I am medicated, and treated. My boyfriend always knew of my issues, but never became an issue. until we were away for each other for 3 months, I regressed 20 years and became an ADULT BABY. I mean, I was screaming, crying, on the phone. Blowing his phone up like a crazy crazy person. He asked for a break, but since I was out of my mind, I flipped out again.
I called him 4 days ago, he answered aggressively. He rarely gets angry or holds a grudge. Bit He told me I crossed his boundaries, and that he is so overwhelmed that he cant give me anything anymore. He said I don't believe him when he says he loves me, and that he is coming back for me. So he broke up with me. He said to not reach out and he wouldn't reach out.
We haven't spoken in almost a week.
I am devastated. It snapped me completely out of that manic craze.I am faced with the consequences of taking love for granted.
I know my fault, I want to be better, and I am getting better. My whole perspective of who I am , and who I REALLY WANT TO BE is so clear now. And I know I NEVER want to be that girl again.
I am grieving over the loss that someone who told me our love was special and doesn't lie, yet it somehow still ended because of an immature stupid mistake that sensibly would scare a man away forever.
My ex arrives back to our home city full time in THREE WEEKS.
We still have each others stuff. I am watching his plants, clothes, keys. wtc.
All our families and friends still follow each other and view each other's stories. even after a week of no contact.
My ex also said he really doesn't want to break up with me, but he has no choice. I cqnnot decifer if that means he will forgive and reach out, or if he throws away anyone with one sight of a red flag.
But the type of person he is, he knows, people define who they are by the mistakes they never do again. He believes its how people grow and conquer that define character. and if he is that mature, I believe he may be open to allowing me to properly apologize in person.
If I really really know who he is based on our beautiful relationship and love, there is NO WAY in which he would leave our very last phone call the way it ended over ONE heated misunderstanding:(. My gut tells me he will reach out when he is back, and is settled, and is healed from the trauma I caused him. and honestly, he is such a beautiful person, that I wouldn't be angry if he never reached out. Because I know I took for granted true love, and its my responsibility to pick up the pieces.
I just know, once we look into each others eyes again, after 3 months of tragic heart ache, all the unfinished sensations of awe, attraction, mysteriousness, and passion. I truly feel our love was special. And once he is reminded of all the healthy and amazing memories when he is settled back home after a stressful 3 month work trip, maybe he will reach out. maybe he will want his stuff.
And that can be my moment is just show him, even if its a 5 second goodbye, that I am healthier, happier, and more independent than before. I want to glow. I want to glow even brighter than when he first fell in love with me
And he will see how my flaws are beautiful, just like how I see his flaws as beautiful.
Or am i in denial?
did i lose true love?