You Matter to Her in a Way No One Else Could
When you died and were reborn, you became divine. You were love, and you were violence, and you were my miracle. A God sprung forth from the decaying machinery of your broken body. Koishi, the God of Love and Hate—have mercy on us all.
Down by the shore of one of the great Lunar seas, there sat a lonely shack thatched with feathers. Inside, there was a massive wani no less than eight leagues long… and her infant son. To that crocodile who had never known true familial love, that delicate little child—who cooed and smiled at his mother’s every move—was nothing less than a miracle. Such a delicate life in her claws, who knew nothing but unconditional love for his mother—to the crocodile, it was proof there was still good in the world.
She was tired, but the crocodile forced herself to stay awake. There was something she needed to do—a memory she wanted to share with the most important person in her life.
So, with all the caution and tenderness in the world, she picked up her child with her jaws and coaxed him into her throat pouch. The newborn child, perhaps having some shared instinct with his crocodilian mother, did not cry or struggle. Instead, he let out a giggle as he poked his head out from between his mother’s jagged teeth. With a snort, the dragon climbed out of her thatch hut, and crawled along the shore, drawing a meandering trail in the sand as she went.
When she reached the point where the water came to shore in gentle waves, the crocodile set herself down in the sand, letting the waves wash in and lick at her child in gentle sprays. Her child giggled as the Lunar sea’s tickled him with its pure waters, and as he did, his mother couldn’t help but feel at peace.
Nothing. Nothing at all would be able to take this from her.
Her miracle.
Toyohime opened her eye to clear blue skies.
She flexed her fingers, and instead of feeling the cold steel of the ship she started to tear apart, she felt so many tiny pebbles, warmed by their time in the sun. Sand? She brought a fistful of the stuff into her vision, before letting it fall through her fingers and run down her face. It was too real to be a dream.
Toyohime sat up to observe her surroundings. As far as the eye could see, there were infinite stretches of sand collected into wind-swept dunes that obscured the horizon. It was hot. Unbelievably so for what was supposedly the void. She felt a gentle gust of warm wind pass by her and toss her hair. This place… this impossible place… was she dead?
She rose to her feet, fighting biting aches and pains from her battle not too long ago. No—not dead. Somehow, she had survived—there was no other explanation. And as she looked down to assess the damage she had taken, her suspicions were only confirmed. Her right arm was missing, and in its place was nothing but a healed stump. The nasty cuts and bruises she had received in the fighting had all healed over for the most part, the only evidence they happened at all being residual scars that were yet to disappear. The ground was covered in dried blood. She must’ve been laying here in this sand trap for hours.
She brought her free arm, completely healed, up to the general space where her right eye was to find an arrow still protruding from it. Wrapping her fingers around the shaft, Toyohime tore it out in a fluid motion, causing the wound to reopen and drip blood onto the sands below. But, through some miraculous action, it was mere moments before the flow of blood stopped as the wound healed shut. Her right eye was still inoperable, but this healing ability was downright uncanny, even for a god.
She flexed her fingers. It felt like there was a hole in her head from which memories and feelings poured out. The mystery of how she got here, who she killed, and whether she could even trust her own senses had no answer—Toyohime knew she herself had made sure of that. She supposed there was a good reason. The less she knew, the better. That was something she could trick herself into believing.
Though no matter how much she forced herself to forget, she had the horrible feeling she had done something unforgivable—something she would kill over. In a sea of atrocities however, she could hardly even begin to suppose what that might have been. Maybe the heat was starting to fry her brain.
After spending a few minutes snapping the arrows lodged in her body by their shafts, Toyohime looked to the horizon, and then up. Ahead, there was a massive sand dune, no less than five times her height, and beyond the crest—a black pillar of smoke. Toyohime was not alone.
As she made her way up the shifting incline, Toyohime got to thinking about her next course of action. If this wasn’t a hallucination, then it most certainly had to be some extension of Koishi's will. Land in an impossible space… the creation of something impossible like that could only be a factor of a deteriorating mind, or God. And Toyohime had no time to consider the possibility of a crumbling psyche—not when she had a duty left unfulfilled.
But then… that would mean this was the paradise of Koishi’s mind. Surely, by her side is where she would find her salvation. She had already come to terms with it—that there was nothing left for her in the old world. Koishi could pervert and corrupt reality in whatever twisted ways she wanted—as long as it was the creation of her heart, it would be sufficient. Everything beyond that was not worth saving to the former princess.
… But that also meant there would be more enemies. More people she had to kill. She was ready. Ready to kill and ready to die in the name of love.
And as she planted her boot upon the peak of that sand dune, she saw the whole world become bare before her. A fair distance away was the crashed wreck of a golden ship, releasing plumes of black smoke as it burnt away. From this distance, it was difficult to make out any finer details, but she was sure the occupants had escaped. Satori was resourceful and stubborn, if nothing else. Dying in a crash was an impossibility.
She then traced a line from the ship through the shifting sands—to a city upon the horizon. Massive towers of glass and steel pushing against the sky, half buried in the sand, bending light around them as they reflected the intense heat of the sun. It gave the sight an unnatural fuzziness, as if the city was threatening to disappear at any moment.
As she traced the decaying visage of those buildings upwards, she saw a thin line reach beyond and into the sky. The line separated into two before converging back on itself. Above the city, etched upon the sky itself, was a pitch black gap in reality, opened and filled with so many eyes. And above still, the object of Toyohime’s desires and her sole driving factor—Koishi Komeiji.
Though the God’s eye was open, as well as the myriad collection of smaller eyes and drooling jaws that had lined every square inch of her squirming appendages, it was hard to tell if she was awake or conscious. Toyohime knew Koishi best, and if she had any guess as to what Koishi had been doing in the time they spent apart, it was receding back into the numbing comfort of her own mind. Even now, Toyohime figured she was still dreaming, avoiding the cruel weight of her responsibility. What manifested outside of her mind must’ve been some sort of twisted runoff.
Down there, hidden in the dunes, Toyohime knew there were those who would take this dream from Koishi. Those who would hurt Koishi. Those people would’ve done just as well to dig their own graves and build their own coffins. Because so long as Toyohime drew breath, she would protect Koishi with everything she could muster—that was her promise and the nature of her impossible, unconditional love.
Koishi was Toyohime’s second chance.
This time, one way or another, there would be no opportunity for a third.
Mima, on the other hand, had woken up quite a bit earlier than Toyohime had.
She had not suffered any fatal wounds or debilitating strikes leading up to the point where the reality around her started to crumble and distort—but she had briefly lost consciousness regardless. She figured that might’ve been a good thing; an action so absurd and so against everything she knew, perpetrated by an impossibly powerful being… even if a mere glimpse didn’t physically tear her mind to ribbons, she had no interest in trying to understand such a nonsensical event.
Mima awoke not in a desert, but in a grand sprawling city of seemingly human construction. Though the sun still hung overhead, the impossible hills and mountains of sand that caged the city in, always seemed to shift and move in the most calculated way… such that the sun was always put out. Caught in the shade, the city looked like it was in a perpetual night, in spite of the blinding yellow of the endless desert just beyond its limits.
Though that was the case, the city was far from dark. Street lamps, blinding neon signs, blinking traffic lights, apartments and houses with windows illuminated by the fluorescent lights within… It gave the impression the city was alive. It seemed exactly as a real bustling city at night, with its breathing and blinking—but there were no people. No matter how far Mima walked, no matter how many buildings she popped in, she would encounter no souls. She would find, in those buildings, immaculate setpieces filled with lived-in charm, hints and implications of life—but not people. Not even Yukari, who she wandered the streets in search of.
She recognized this place. This city—Tokyo. It couldn’t have possibly been, but it was the same Tokyo she grew up in, back before the Moonlight Descent and before the Kaiju. Before her chance meeting with the youkai who used to be her friend. This city, trapped in the middle of the desert, caught in an artificial night that obscured the flow of time—somehow it managed to be the perfect recreation of a long lost city, as if someone had taken a scalpel to the part of Mima’s brain that held onto the precious memories of her past life. It was comforting, being back in familiar territory, but it also carried along a pervasive uneasiness. The nostalgia said it was real, but the rational mind knew better than to buy into an impossible mirage—made all the more uneasy by the deathly silence of its streets.
After wandering around for a dozen minutes or more, Mima eventually came to find Yukari in a 24-hour fast food joint. She was sitting, out of her suit and miraculously healed, on a stool that faced the street outside, with her head down and a small pool of drool collecting at the point where the corner of her mouth met the countertop. Renko always said Maribel could fall asleep anywhere.
Mima floated back and forth around the gently snoring form of Yukari for a bit, considering her options. She changed back into her Renko form for a second, and after adjusting her hat a little, she reached over to tap Yukari on the shoulder… but then shied away. Glancing at Yukari, then back to her bag, she rummaged through its bottomless contents and pulled out a whole host of items: hand mirrors, makeup kits, two liter bottles of listerine, mints and peppermint breath spray and assorted beauty products.
She stole a quick glance back at Yukari to make sure she was asleep before going at it—in one go, she dumped every minty product she could into her mouth before swishing the unholy mixture in her mouth. It was not a moment later that she coughed out all of that liquid ice with a retch and a gag. Sheepishly, she turned her head to see if Yukari had woken up in all the commotion. Luckily, she was still knocked out something fierce. Mima might’ve guessed she was dead, if it weren’t for the occasional snore.
Undeterred, she opened a hand mirror and began to apply her makeup. Carefully. There was a subtle art to it—she only needed enough to hide any unsightly blemishes she might’ve gotten from her rather shut-in lifestyle as a ghost. Anything more, and Maribel was bound to notice Mima was purposefully fixing her appearance around her. None of that. Mima was trying for a more subliminal approach… It’s what worked in the past, after all.
Well, upon further thought, Mima figured “worked” was too strong a word. She did die before she saw any results, after all. But enough of that, Mima thought—now that she regained her memories, she’s finally gotten another shot. This being the apocalypse and all, she figured she should probably make it count.
She clicked close her portable hand mirror and, along with the rest of her stuff, threw it back into her field bag. She stole one last glance at Yukari, who was still sleeping soundly, before straightening her hat and clearing her throat.
“Maribel…” she said in a quiet, sing-song voice. She placed a hand on Yukari’s shoulder and gave it a gentle shake. “Maribel, wake up.”
No response. Mima pouted as she shook her around again. “Merry? It’s so scary around here—I need someone super strong and amazing by my side. Maybe we could hold hands?”
Nothing but more snoring. Mima’s expression fell. “... Okay, seriously. Wake up.”
“Don’t make me break out the big guns, Merry,” Mima said, digging through her bag and pulling out an airhorn. “I’ll do it. You think I’m bluffing?”
A tense beat passes. Mima stows away the airhorn. “... Ah, I’m just kidding. I wouldn’t do something like that to you. You’re too cute, hehe.”
“I’m not above this, though.” She reaches back into her bag and pulls out a spray bottle filled with water… before giving Yukari’s face a couple of quick spritzes.
That quiet, tranquil expression to Mima seemed almost a timeless representation of the relationship she shared with Maribel quickly contorted into one of disgust. After a moment of being pelted with spray after spray of water droplets, Yukari finally was roused from her sleep, a squinty, grouchy mess.
“Who..? Urgh…” She mumbled with a groan. When Yukari saw Renko, immaculately constructed before her with enough accuracy to convince her she came straight from her memories, she froze. Her voice was barely above a whisper. “... Renko?”
“Hehe… Yep, it’s me! Your best friend. Best girl-friend, even. That is, a girl who is also a friend. Not a girlfriend, you know? Aha… Unless? Kidding, kidding.” Mima flashed an easy smile. “Glad you’re awake. Hey, before you say anything else—how do I look? I look cute, right? I know we’re in the middle of saving the world and everything, but I’ve actually been spending a lot of time taking care of my appearance.”
As Mima continued to ramble on and Yukari continued to wake up, her expression made a slow and gradual pivot. Where at first Yukari couldn’t hide her bemusement from her face—as well as that strange pained expression someone would have, seeing a loved one they have long since finished mourning appear upon their doorstep—she eventually came to settle on an empty stare and a neutral, apathetic expression. It hurt Mima a little, seeing such a radical turn in her demeanor.
“Oh,” Yukari muttered. “It’s just you.”
Mima didn’t think she intended it, but there was a layer of latent annoyance in her words. Or maybe it was disappointment? A thousand years or more apart did a lot to shift their relationship. That much was clear—and it hurt.
Yukari took a moment to look Mima up and down. With a scoff and a roll of her eyes, she delivered an unceremonious answer. “You look fine.”
Mima sighed in response. “Hey, I’ll take it.”
“More importantly…” As Yukari continued, she craned her neck around to absorb every detail of her surroundings: everything from the light fixtures above to the tables that were so meticulously set and prepared. “... Where are we?”
Her eyes naturally gravitated toward the front counter and the kitchen section that was just behind—meticulously wrapped burgers and fresh fries, set underneath heat lamps… it was as if they were all made recently. But that wasn’t even the strangest detail Yukari’s eyes were able to pick out. Upon one of the tables was a tray, filled with half eaten food—as if the patrons ceased to exist in the middle of their meal. This was beyond a mere liminal space, where it gave the impression of once being a place where people gathered—it was closer in relation to the scene of an ongoing disaster, where people had left in a hurry.
In that way, it didn’t carry much of the surreal quality of a place no longer meant for humans—it more so felt like a place with a cursed history, its sinister and mysterious narrative etched into its skin and flesh through the vestiges of human presence. Mima could tell, being a ghost herself, there was more to this place than the physical construction. As to what ‘more’ was, she could not place.
She could tell Yukari was thinking something similar by the way she walked around and took in the feeling of the place. Her posture was rigid and cautious, but not necessarily ready and waiting for danger. There was a quiet dread to the things that weren’t, but should’ve been.
“I’m trying to figure that out myself,” Mima replied, following Yukari around with her arms folded behind her back. “You’re going to think I’m crazy, but… I think we’re back in Tokyo.”
“I don’t think you’re crazy.” Yukari replied. She walked over to the table with the food and traced a finger across its top. No dust clung to the surface of her finger, as if the tabletop had recently been cleaned. She brought the back of her palm close to the food. It was still radiating just a little bit of heat, as if it had been freshly served. “That’s the part that scares me.”
“... Assuming this is all very much real, this must be Koishi’s doing,” Yukari declared, taking a moment to look down at herself. As she flexed her fingers, her eyes narrowed. Mima figured she might’ve just realized she had been healed and mysteriously back to her usual outfit. She still looked younger and weaker than she once was, but there was an undeniable, albeit subtle increase in the vitality she seemed to convey. As Yukari’s eyes wandered to the empty city street outside, Mima couldn’t help but notice that expression—that idle, faraway gaze that looked like Yukari had trapped herself in a vivid daydream. She couldn’t help but realize how much Maribel had changed—and yet stayed the same.
“Whatcha thinking, Merry?” Mima tried, shuffling up to Yukari’s side.
“Yukari.”
“Oh. Right. Ha, that’s my bad. My bad…”
“I’m thinking: why Tokyo specifically?” With a wave of her hand, Yukari opened a gap next to her. Through that little tear in reality was a bird’s eye view of the whole city, as well as the infinite desert that surrounded it. “... There must be some significance to this location, but I couldn’t possibly imagine what it could be. Not right now, knowing what we know.”
“Hey, I grew up in Tokyo, you know? Maybe it has something to do with that? And… y’know, we were teaching in Tokyo before…” Mima gestured vaguely around herself. “... Everything, I guess. Maybe Koishi’s reacting to our memories.”
“Could be. Could just as easily be something related to Koishi. Could be nothing at all.” The view through the gap eventually fizzled out, leaving nothing but the inky blackness of the pocket dimension Yukari held dominion over. She let out a sigh before stitching the gap closed with a wave of her hand. “I’d suggest we keep on moving. Collect as much information as we can about this place. But only what we need—the plan is still largely the same. There’s no telling when she will appear again. Best be as quick about it as we can.”
“Oh. Uh… Alright. That’s cool.”
“... What?”
“Hm?”
“What’s wrong? You disagree?”
“Oh no, ah…” A sheepish grin crawled across Mima’s face. “I was just thinking about how much you’ve changed, is all. It’s just… you know, a huge city missing all of its people is pretty mysterious, huh? Don’t you want to do more exploring? Poke around a bit and take in the sights? Like we used to—just one last time?”
There was an unsettling period of silence where Yukari stared straight through Mima with that flat look. She averted her eyes for a passing moment. When Yukari returned her gaze to Mima, it was steely and cold. “No. Neither of us are kids anymore. We have duties and responsibilities that we can not abandon. Not for anything.”
Yukari brushed past Mima. The gesture wasn’t very rough at all, but Mima felt it come at her hard. As Yukari opened the door, she looked back at Mima and gestured to her to follow.
“Let’s go.”
Orin did not want much from life.
There was Satori, her master, who she cared about deeply. There was Okuu, her best friend, who she loved. There was Koishi, the younger sister of her master, who she felt obligated to take care of. And of course, there was her job of transporting corpses, which she could do endlessly and without tiring. Those things more or less encompassed everything she cared about—Orin was a simple person.
So as she crawled out the emergency hatch located at the top of the ship her master had so recklessly buried into a sand dune, she couldn’t help but feel so hopelessly out of her depth. With a groan, she hoisted herself over the lip of the hatch before losing her balance and tumbling over.
As she tumbled downward, bumping her head against every little edge the ship had on her way down, the visor to her suit cracked and then shattered. But as she flopped down into the warm sand, her arms and legs spread in a state of absolute fatigue, she couldn’t really bring herself to care about the warning tones in her helmet—or the fact she was able to breathe the air here, in what used to be the void. Frankly, all she could think about was how much she wanted to go home.
“Orin! Are you okay?” A familiar voice called from somewhere outside her field of vision. It was followed by the hasty clattering of boots on metal as they no doubt clambered down the ship in a hurry.
All Orin could offer in response was a weak grunt and the extension of a thumbs up.
“Are… are you insane?” Another voice called soon after, all breathless and hoarse. It cracked with exertion, as if it had already been worn out by so much screaming. “Satori, what form of devil possessed you to do that? We could’ve all died!”
Satori, of course, didn’t respond. Not before she entered Orin’s field of view, her own helmet long since thrown away. Her face was etched with a rare look of concern, and she breathed a deep sigh of relief when she saw Orin manage a weak smile. Wordlessly, Satori jostled off the smashed helmet from Orin’s suit and brushed away any remaining debris… before pulling her into a tight embrace.
Orin, dazed and shocked from the crash, could manage little else than to rest her head upon her master’s shoulders as she was pulled in. But through whatever stores of energy she had left, she managed to raise her arms and wrap them around in loose reciprocation.
“I’m okay,” she whispered. “I’m okay.”
Satori pulled back from the hug, but stayed kneeling by Orin’s side. Cautiously, she looked to the horizon, as if she had caught a vanishing glimpse of something stalking them from behind the shifting sands. She extended an elbow for Orin to grab on to. “Let’s go. Can you stand?”
“I… I think so,” Orin mumbled, hooking one of her arms around Satori’s elbow and placing a hand on her shoulder for support. Her master lifted, and in response Orin tried her best to stumble onto her feet, with mixed results. As she straightened herself out with the help of Satori, she heard her bones shift and crackle in strange ways—followed by an absolute lightning strike of localized pain in the leg and the fuzzy static that came to replace it.
After a sharp intake of breath and a pained wince, Orin settled into a decidedly unconvincing posture—she plastered a smile on her face and shifted all of her weight onto the other leg in a poor imitation of nonchalance, but Satori’s face only got graver. It broke Orin’s heart. For a moment, Orin tried to separate herself from her master so she could stand on her own—but Satori only squeezed her in closer, as if she would’ve lost Orin the second she let go.
That didn’t surprise Orin much. She knew better than anyone that the events one year ago were still fresh in her master’s mind. Even now, it haunted her every action, and now the consequences were starting to catch up with everyone involved. But to Orin, that didn’t matter. It never did—not so long as Satori was her master, and Orin was her pet. Satori could march to the deepest pit of Hell, pick a fight with a God, oppose reality itself… and Orin would march along right beside her, no matter what.
Patchouli, on the other hand, did not share the same sentiment. She marched up to the two, at least temporarily uncaring of the fantastical environment they found themselves in, and went straight to airing out her grievances.
“Recklessly engaging with Toyohime like that, against all better logic… one day, and this day might very well come sooner than you think, your obsession with that cursed woman will hurt someone you care about,” Patchouli snapped. As she looked to Orin, whose body was riddled with evidence of blunt trauma, her expression softened. “... It already has.”
“As if we had any other choice. It was our best shot to kill her, once and for all,” Satori replied, stone-faced and cold. “... Besides, let Orin speak for herself. As if you know what she does and doesn’t wish for.”
“... Orin wasn’t the only person who got hurt. Or killed.”
“It just so happens that Eirin conveniently falls outside my definition of ‘people I care about.’ I fail to see the issue.” Satori snorted with disgust, as if offended by the mere implication. Orin wanted to speak up and cut between the fighting, but couldn’t find the strength to oppose her own master. “That aside, who says I was the one who got her killed? She got herself killed, following her own incomprehensible mess of half-baked ideas and strategies. What are you coming at me for?”
“How could you be so cold toward someone like her? Especially since we were all fighting out there together, as comrades? Have you no shame?”
“I’ve no love for her. Not after what she did to my sister.” Satori stared straight into Patchouli’s eyes. Sometimes her master was like this—staring straight ahead through a person, as if judging the content of their soul itself. Sometimes, this was literally the case, given that she made liberal use of her opened third eye. “We might be fighting beside each other, but we’re fighting for completely different things. Yukari, Eirin, Kaguya, even you and I—we’re all fighting for something different. Those are just the facts. Just as it was a fact that Koakuma had darkness in her heart. It’s that kind of fact.”
“How cynical. Aren’t we friends?”
Satori fixed Patchouli with a steady glare as she thought through her answer. Even with an open eye, Orin found her master’s thought process difficult to parse.
“... No. We aren’t,” Satori settled. “It’s not a secret—I’m fighting to get my sister back. I’m fighting to kill the person who turned her into a monster. I’m fighting to protect my family. You are doing none of those things—you’re fighting for a more abstract reason: protecting the world, or preventing human suffering, or whatever other justification you assign to your actions. It’s admirable, but recognize that It’s only by convenience that we’re here, helping each other out.”
“... Is that right?” Patchouli muttered under her breath. “Then if it came between Yukari, or Eirin, or me, or anyone else… and your family. Who would you choose?”
Silence.
“It’s best to be honest with ourselves. It saves us the heartache.”
“I see.”
In the silence that came after, the atmosphere seemed to become heavier. Orin spent each passing beat being suffocated by the pressure. Her eyes darted from Patchouli to her master, and then back again.
“Er…” Orin started. “Let’s ah… could we just figure out what we’re going to do next, maybe? Without fighting—that would be nice.”
“Good plan, Orin,” Satori said. Though strangely enough, she wouldn’t take her eyes off of Patchouli. “I’m not quite sure what we would do without you.”
Patchouli looked away. Orin couldn’t help but feel vaguely responsible—though the second the thought even popped into mind, Satori squeezed a little tighter, as if in reassurance.
“... There’s no use in arguing,” Patchouli said with a heavy sigh. “Or rather, it’s a subject for later, when we aren’t all in danger. For now, I agree—we should figure out our next steps.”
The guns had long since run quiet.
Those satellites—their powerful bodies forged by the greatest minds, cast in the strongest metals, and mounted with the fiercest weapons humanity could muster—how could they have possibly matched the horror of God’s wrath? They could never, and for their hubris, their bodies and their souls were scattered and broken as a million glittering lights upon the ocean.
Those were the kinds of things Kaguya Houraisan thought about as she sat beside a flickering fire, her only source of light deep in the darkness of a desert night, not a few meters from the turned and battered wreckage of the CNS Beyond the Sun. In the void, It was battered by unseen force, turned three times—and upon the fourth, struck down and consumed by the void, as was the divine will of God. To its crew, it might have seemed like nothing less than a castigation of divine nature—but Kaguya knew it was nothing more than the temper tantrum of a child. As infant children must necessarily cry, Koishi must necessarily kill—it was her unconscious will.
Woe upon humanity, as its greatest accomplishment was brought low and made worthless before a child. Her own child. What a dubious honor it was—being the mother of such a terrifying, omnipresent killer.
Kaguya was on the ship when it was attacked by Toyohime. She was there to see Eirin march on to meet her. And she was there to see her die. It didn’t bother Kaguya too much—after all, she had watched Eirin die countless times. She will likely watch her die countless more, before all is said and done. But it was there, seized by the temporary shock, that Kaguya lost consciousness. When she woke up, she was deep within the fresh wreckage of humanity’s greatest weapon—alone. On what happened to her crew, and why Kaguya was spared, she could only make guesses.
With no direction and no plan, Kaguya spent what felt like hours wandering the claustrophobic halls of that great metal cage of a ship. But she was alone. Alone in such a way that not even the impression of humanity remained. Even the spot where she saw three men become atomized by Toyohime’s attack, which had burnt dark impressions of their silhouettes into the steel, was mysteriously void of any sign they were killed at all. The damage remained, but the people were gone—erased from existence in a way only God could manage.
When she eventually emerged from the dark recesses of the ship into a darker night, with nothing but the stars above and the inexplicable ground below, she could do nothing but start a simple fire. The night was cold, and she had a feeling it would be long. Warmth would be needed.
This, alone and huddled by a dying fire, must have been the end. Kaguya shifted closer to the flame, and held her knees closer to her chest. She didn’t know what to do. When her own daughter had sought her out, she didn’t know what to say. All she could do was recognize—that in pursuit of an easy life, she had made things so much worse. She wondered if it was too late to make things right between herself and Koishi. If Kaguya had looked up to her daughter now, and said sorry, would she hear? Would she care?
She wasn’t sure. And she wasn’t sure if she wanted to find out.
As she stared at the stars above, Kaguya heard the shuffling of boots displacing the sand. The sounds came in an irregular, halting motion. When it came to a stop, Kaguya lowered her gaze to the figure who stood at the edge of her fire’s light.
A moon rabbit in a pilot suit, all ripped up, tattered, and blackened by combat. In the gaps of her suit, her skin had melted away from severe burns—and froze in place, creating large patches of gangrenous tissue that covered her body. As Kaguya’s eyes drifted downward, she noticed a patch of body that had a view to the other side. Somehow, by some miracle of medicine, the wound remained stable and closed.
Her face was concealed by her helmet, tinted and patterned by a spider web of cracks, but by the way she stood, so still and lopsided, Kaguya had the impression of an empty gaze just behind the facade.
The moon rabbit carried in her left hand a revolver, its chambers empty and on display as the mechanism that connected the grip to the top half of the hung loose. In her other hand, was an ax, splintered in half at the handle from excessive use and its blade caked in a thick layer of blood.
Without a word, the moon rabbit collapsed into a heap by the fire.
Kaguya rushed to the moon rabbit’s side and, upon removing her helmet, froze.
Atonement—she wondered if it was even possible.
Previous Chapter:
Interim Chapter 11

Ok so I have been in a Curse of Strahd campaign with my friends. I have been running a Ghostslayer Bloodhunter with the Haunted One background.
(Character Lore dump to explain why my character did what he did. Feel free to skip.)
Jarem's father was obsessed with progression of the human body. So much so that he forced his own wife to be the test subject, and when she inevitably passed from such experiments, Vayne was next in line as a test subject for his fathers cruel work. His father was researching how far the human body could take pain, what the side effects were, and what powers one could gain. Vayne's father theorized that by forcing ones body to produce adrenaline, one could gain superhuman like abilities. Through these experiments, Jarem's father discovered the ability of the human body to gain power by causing harm to ones self, Hemocraft. As a boy Jarem was quiet, lonely, and obident to his father. However, over time Jarem became more and more hardened and violent. One day his father decided to conduct the ultimate experiment, the ultimate blood sacrifice, opening the human heart. The pain and pent up trauma was too much for Jarem to bear, and in a fit of uncontrolable fear, Jarem killed his father. Because of the abuse from his father, Jarem latches onto any friendship or company he can find. While Jarem tries his best to be charasmatic and friendly, his past trauma causes a rift in his personal relationships which makes it difficult for him to make true friends, and simultaneiously makes him vulnerable to exploitation. Jarem is haunted by his past trauma, but despite it he is a deeply empathetic man at heart and desires companionship and love in any form.
In our last session our party briefly split, me and another player came across a statue of the Morning Lord next to a body of water which seemed to have some magical properties.
Wanting to be rid of his Trauma, Jarem entered the water and his "curse" was killed and so was he in the process.
However, when Jarem regained consciousness his physical scars from his fathers experiments started healing, as well as partial memory loss from his "past life"
Because of this My DM and I decided I'm now Undead (but using the Reborn race. Just saying its undead for flavor) and Because of this expereince Jarem has lost his Hemocraft abilities. However, He know is an Echo Knight.
So I tell you all this because

1. I thought it was a really cool session and wanted to share lol
2. I need help finding a good background for my "new" character. Any good backgrounds for undead? Some sort of resurrection type backgroud?

Daan,
I just blew up your phone with messages about how much I love you and why I miss you. I know how much you like it when I do that; giving you an actual nice notification to wake up to in the morning.
I told you about how excited I am for you to hold me again, how excited I am to just experience you as you are.
I get to leave for my vacation in just over two weeks. I’m stoked for it. Boston and Iceland will be a really nice disconnect from the world.
In twenty days I get to see you. Those twenty days couldn’t come soon enough. I miss you immensely and it’s really hitting me tonight.
Most of the time I’m able to push it to the side, but something about you spending time with my friends makes me fall in love with you even deeper to the point where I just can’t sleep. I try, and I just picture me in your bed, and I get depressed about how we aren’t together in person right now.
I know you don’t want me to feel that way, hence the unsent letter. I know it makes you so upset when I am a bit sad… especially when it comes to missing you. Missing my lovely and kind boyfriend.
I can kind of tell that your slight lack of affirmations is making you upset. I told you awhile back I want a voice memo of you reading a book for me to fall asleep to (reminds me of when you were here, which makes me miss you…) and I want you to blow up my phone overnight, and just more compliments in general.
When I told you that today, I watched your face fall in a way I’ve never seen it before. I know you felt genuinely guilty about not doing those things. But baby, it’s okay. I know you aren’t trying to avoid them, and you show me love in smaller ways, too. Changing your nickname on discord, saving my snap in chat today - and camera roll - just small things you do. Looking at me so lovingly when I was doing jack shit in farming simulator.
I miss you, love. I really do. I’m excited to see you, but these twenty days are going to be SO LONG.
I can’t wait for Paris, too. The city of love. I’m excited for our future.
Ik hou van jou ❤️ Rachel

My very first specialty coffee I bought, many years ago now, was an incredible floral Ethiopian, which I couldn’t make bad even with my shitty setup.
Thus, now many years later (4), I decided to buy this bean from the same roaster, to try with my better setup. It was an expensive bean compared to most others around here, 22$ for 250g, bit worth it for the taste.
Well, I received it, put it in my grinder hopper, without looking at the roast date, as I expected it to be good enough. I brewed a cup, it tasted like chewing an ash tray. Stale, burnt (it’s a very light roast), exactly like cheap supermarket coffee.
I then took a look at the roast date, 19/1-2022. It’s over a year off roast.
This company isn’t purely roasting coffee, they specialize in tea, but has a nice variety of coffee.
Is this acceptable to you?

Hey all!
I'm a returning player from the TCG, stopped playing around the time Links got introduced, so for fun I decided to try MasterDuel, and build the D/D/D deck I have laying around. After building it, I'm having a ton of fun, and decided to build the Labirynth deck since it's not a kind of deck I'd usually play (before D/D/D I played Spyrals, and before that Dinos, and even before that X-Sabers, all very summon heavy decks). I can't find an objectively good build, I found this build, and I already have a decent amount of the cards in there. Is that a good build? Or is there something that would work a bit better?

So, let’s get this started. My ex partner I loved more than anything. I know we were young, but I was ready to marry and spend the rest of my life with him. We both felt that way, until he didn’t. He broke up with me suddenly, and it devastated me. Well I picked myself up, and have been moving on pretty well. Of course I have a lot of love for my ex, but I can’t date him again due to my own self-respect. It’s been about two months since the breakup, and I have fallen for some new (M28). I wont go into many details how we met, but it was by chance in a very romantic way. I see him about weekly, but there is that chemistry there. We do text, but he revealed to me that he is polyamorous. Im still trying to understand that, and how I feel about that, but for now I am crushing from a far. Well recently my ex has been wanting to do things with me, spend lots of time with me. If I do something new with someone, he’ll wanna do it to. I told my ex about my crush, as my ex seemed completely over me/unbothered. He was supportive and gave good advice. Well my crush and him met by chance today, and my ex, hugged me, right in front of my crush. This wouldn’t be a big deal, but we haven’t hugged since before the breakup, so for it to be done, in front of this man I’m crushing on, who my ex KNOWS I have very strong feelings for and just being hugged at all, has really thrown my emotions of whack. I think I just really need advice on what could be going on? Like what do I do? Was the hug an act of jealousy or something different? How should I be approaching my ex on these topics? And how the hell should I navigate a crush I have with a polyamorous man. I guess I’m just a melting pot of confused, and any and all advice would help. Thanks!

My partner has BPD, and I'm someone with autism. We understand each other very well on most aspects but I don't know how to support them in a recovery process, our relationship isn't that abusive anymore but to prevent things from getting bad ever again I want to know what are good things I could do to support him? He's great when things aren't getting angry, he has amazing interests, smart, funny, and I actually love him so I begging for actual advice please.

Tl;dr: I was given the advice to start my career in Toronto and then lateral to Ottawa [the city I actually want to be in long-term] for financial reasons. Does that still make sense if I only plan to live in Toronto for a maximum of two years (including articling)?

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post regarding trying to decide between practicing in Toronto and Ottawa. You all made a lot of good points, especially with regards to the pay discrepancy between the cities.
The most common piece of advice I was given was to start off my career practicing in Toronto, assuming I’m given the option, save as much money as I can, and then eventually lateral to Ottawa to settle down. I definitely see the merits to doing this, especially from a financial perspective, however I’m just wondering how long would it be before I could actually lateral?
For the sake of argument, let’s say that I am able to secure an articling position in Toronto, how many years would I need to work before making the move? If I’m being completely honest with myself, I don’t think that I could live/work in Toronto for more than 2 years (including articling).
Assuming leave a Toronto firm after completing 1st year associate, and starting my 2nd year, would I be better off? Is there a demand for junior associates at Ottawa firms? Or would I be better off just applying directly to Ottawa firms and have them train me myself?

Hey there! Thanks for clicking and reading.
About me.. I am a 41 M based in South East London.
I'm currently in-between jobs and the new job doesn't start until April. I work in a professional capacity.
I have worked in a number of industries over the years from Banking to Consulting. My life is busy at the best of times and I find myself right now with some downtime. I'm single, have been divorced for a good few years now and single for the last year.
I would like to think I'm a good communicator, I prefer to ensure there is good chemistry with someone before doing anything NSFW but I do have a devilish mind. Recently returned to Reddit after a long while for the exact reason I've mentioned above. Have more time on my hands.
I own my own house. Have my own car. Have carved a good solid career. Open to sharing more if there is interest on your side..
What I'm looking for? A good connection. Someone who can hold a conversation and whether you are single, married or spoken for... It doesn't matter. Discretion is guaranteed. Chemistry is key for me as I hope it would be for you too. I'm open to "this" being an online thing only if that's what you are looking for.
I've been lucky enough to get some messages, but as with Reddit... It's always a case of deciphering the fake from the real. The time wasters from the genuine. Please don't waste your time if you're inclined to randomly delete your account or ghost! It's all about chemistry and having some fun along the way.
I'm happy to share more, but if this has got you interested... DM me.

I love hot sauce and am always trying out new bottles I find. I heard about Jazz’s and that they are woman owned local business so I decided to grab a bottle from Rancho San Miguel.
This stuff is insanely good and has quickly become my go to sauce. I’ve only tried the spicy, but they have a regular and smoky versions as well.
It’s thick like an aioli sauce but not as rich or heavy so you can really douse your food in this stuff.
https://jazzssaucysauce.com

NATO was thinking of letting Ukraine into the fold, which would allow any (specifically America) to put Nuclear Weapons in there and in firing range of Russia - the country who Americans have specifically vilified for decades through movies and Pop Culture.
And that's horrible and evil.
But when the Cuban Missile Crisis Happened - Russian putting Nukes in Cuba which could hit the US, so the exact same thing as right now currently - American decided that that was a horrific War Crime and set up to try and invade Cuba.
What's now known as the "Bag Of Pigs" was a spectacular public failure. America weren't able to invade because of that blunder.
So, why is it that Russians are some horrible evil monsters, but Americans are the Good Guys^TM when they're doing the exact same thing?
When American invaded countries in the middle east, destabilized those Governments and took over despite the individual people telling them they didn't want them there, why are we supposed to celebrate those specific invaders, but other specific invaders are bad for the same thing?
I understand how I sound, but I don't support Russia, I just can't stand hypocrisy. If you don't Practice What You Preach, No One Should Listen To You.

I (23F) have been dating my boyfriend (24M) on and off for around 5 years now.
A little backstory:
I grew up in an abusive, controlling household. I was never given an opportunity to find myself or become independent. Every move I made was completely monitored. Even at 18, I couldn't leave the house without my mother watching me like a hawk.
My boyfriend is the only person willing to put up with all of that. In addition to her always watching every interaction (even going so far as to monitor our messages!), she's very offensive and has insulted him multiple times.
I've known for a time that the only reason I'm really with him is because I don't have any other choice. Who else would choose to be with someone like me? I'm not attractive enough either to be worth all the bother.
We date on and off because I have commitment issues and trauma from my parents' marriage. Honestly, I feel that they should have divorced, but they're very religious and conservative and believe that a child should always grow up within the sanctity of marriage with two parents. To do otherwise would be damning the child to the flames of hell or some bullshit like that. So as a result, I grew up seeing my father yell and hurt my mother while I hid in the bathroom. My mother has also trauma dumped on me multiple times growing up about how my father would throw hot soup or water on her when he was mad (HE FIRST DID THIS ON THEIR HONEYMOON!). She never left him because "divorce is a sin". She was a lawyer and he even made her leave her practice.
As a result, I ended up with a very warped view of love and marriage. I constantly break up with him and get back together with him because of fears of ending up like my mother.
Lately, I've been slowly getting some of my freedom back. At this point I realized that I'm just stringing my boyfriend along, and I feel terrible.
I realized it yesterday when he made a joke about me being the breadwinner and he'd be a househusband. To clarify, when I was 16, I said I'd want to be the sole provider of the family. This comes from my experience with my father. Because he controlled the finances of the house, my mother had no way of going against what he wanted. Because all resources came from him, his rule was law in the house.
That made me believe that the only way to escape abuse was by being the one controlling finances. I was adamant and told my boyfriend that I'd want him to he a househusband and take care of the house while I be a provider.
That was years ago. Since then, I've started to develop a much healthier view of relationships. My boyfriend and I graduated college, and while I was still stuck with my family that didn't allow me independence or financial freedom, he was able to get a job, move out, and provide for himself.
Maturing since I was 16 and scared made me realize that maybe being the breadwinner isn't the only way to escape abuse. I've also been seeing all my other friends with healthy relationships where the man spoils the girl and pays for all the dates and brings her home and everything. I'm always the one taking care of myself and seeing all of that looked so romantic. I wanted that for myself. Like, its a way to feel loved outside of being abused.
Since my boyfriend got money, he's been able to take me out on dates, buy me gifts, etc. It's so nice being spoiled and taken cared of and loved, I realize.
Then he brought up a few days ago my initial plan again to be a breadwinner and how it's funny that he's the one spending, when the plan was for him to be the one cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids. For context, I FINALLY was able to get a good paying job, so he brought up that maybe now I can be the breadwinner.
I realized I don't want that anymore.
Also, since I mentioned, we've been on and off. He dates other women in the periods that we're off, and I get so jealous and hurt of them that he ends up breaking up with them and going back to me.
I realize that I'm just stringing him along. I don't love him anymore, but every time there's a new woman, I get so jealous and possessive and hurt. I don't think I want to marry someone like him, but I'm too far deep in now.
If I let him go, I'll just die of jealousy if there's a new woman (especially since he has the freedom to go out and meet new people, while I can't!). I practically have no one other than him.
So now I'm just keeping him around until I can fully gain my freedom and meet other people. I don't want him in the end, in all honesty. I don't want the kind of life he was expecting he'd have. He's just a placeholder for me now that's comfortable until I find the person I'm ready to settle down with.
I'm a terrible fucking person for this and something is seriously wrong with me. I'd get therapy for this bullshit, but therapy is expensive.
PS please don't post this anywhere else like on tiktok or Facebook. I plan to either get the courage to talk to him about this or seek professional help to figure my shit out. The last thing I'd want is for him to find out about my true feelings from the internet.

I finally got around to read the manga. Its 6, no actually 7 in the morning again, and now im more obsessed than ever. Good bye old life, hello Given life. -rewatch anime again waiting for the manga to be new anime season so i can hear more music-

Okay all, this is my first Reddit post so I apologize if this isn’t clear or if this should be in a separate subreddit.
So I am at a conference this week for work. I was already feeling nervous and self conscious because I’m not the best at making small talk with people and I’m also newish at my job so it was all just pretty overwhelming. Not to mention I am fully remote and live in a completely different state than all of my coworkers, so I just don’t have a strong workplace social foundation, if that makes sense. Only two of my other coworkers came to the conference and I’m not particularly close with them (they’re pretty quiet people).
So there was a mixer planned after the conference and I worked up the courage to go by myself because I wanted to put myself out there. I guess you could say it was exposure therapy. Anyways, I was really nervous right off the bat because everyone was mingling together and I knew literally no one there. After jumping from a few different groups after not being able to keep conversations going and feeling pretty awkward, I found a group of younger folk around my age (25). We had a lot in common and it was going really great! Eventually my two coworkers showed up and looked happy to see that I had made a few friends. So after chatting for awhile this group invited me to go get spaghetti with them. So I went with them and it was a really good time. So I should be feeling great, right?
No. When I got to the hotel I felt so overwhelmed and anxious despite having a successful night. It’s like I get a fixation in my head that I’m weird and awkward despite my self assurances that it was a fun time and things went really great! The only coping mechanism that kind of helps is writing down notes in my phone of affirmations. Such as:
They enjoyed talking to you If they didn’t like you they wouldn’t have asked you out to dinner You were fun and easy to talk to You had a lot of fun!
I pretty much keep writing those same ideas over and over until I am able to relax and get back to my regular state. My old therapist recommended that I do this to 1. help calm my anxiety and 2. retrain my brain to not be so over critical of myself all the time. Does anyone else have any other ways of coping with feelings like this? Or has anyone had success overtime with affirmations like this? Or is this relatable to any of you all? Lol anxiety feels pretty isolating at times.
Also, I do plan on getting back into therapy but I just wanted to post this so I could know if other people are out here struggling too and had any helpful tips. Thanks!!

Let me just start out by saying that in theory, I love my job. I work with a highly vulnerable population that needs services anywhere from 20-60 hours a week, and seeing the progress they make thanks to my hard work is immensely satisfying. The problem is the company, not the work, but I'm really left with very few options.
Despite working at this company for 5 months, I just barely had enough money to pay of my credit card debt two weeks ago. The pay isn't great (especially for the type of work I do), but it is certainly the best I can do living in a rural area and not having any skills that can be done remotely. I also get free healthcare which I can't do without really.
Problem is is that I'm so rural, I'm driving at least an hour there and an hour back every day. I usually have to go to two to three towns across my state and come home so the typical day of driving is more like 3-5 hours, most of which is unpaid. Being in the healthcare industry means that they make us go out in hazardous conditions and there have honestly been some close calls. I work 6-7 days a week as well, with some days only being 3 hours long, which is not worth my commute.
The toxic atmosphere is really weighing me down. We get vaguely threatening emails every week, have terribly optimized schedules that make me provide worse services and my clients unhappy, and are pushed to the point where someone is quitting every two weeks because they can't take the stress anymore. I've had two panic attacks in the past week, and I don't really get panic attacks anymore.
It doesn't help that I essentially have five bosses either. Ive got 9 clients managed by four different people, and tomorrow I work four hours with my hardest client while being supervised by my least favorite boss. I'm dreading it so much and haven't been able to sleep, which is why I'm writing this. The demands of this client and boss combined are pushing me over the edge.
Being in a rural area, if I want the good pay I have to go far. This company has the best benefits and pay in this sector but I still don't have enough to get my own place in this renting market. My only option really is to secure a place closer to a really big city and transition jobs, which is a really farfetched thing to think about when you only have 1.5k in the bank and spend about half your paycheck before you even get it. Working 40 hours over 7 days, plus about 20 hours of driving, just doesn't give you a whole lot of time to think about apartments when all you want to do is sleep.
Not really looking for advice here, I'm just a 23 year old dumbass who needs to rant. Really just want 8 five hour days with a schedule that doesn't change almost daily. It's also insane that I make $26/hour when this company is pulling in upwards of 2 million dollars a year per client, and I have 9. Sure I'm not the only one who works with them, but I certainly work with each one for about 20-50% of their billable hours. Really I just want to be respected and appropriately compensated, that's all.

Hello. Hope you're well.
25M from Hertfordshire (near London) in the UK. I'm a secondary school teacher. Travel has become a major part of my life with America, Amsterdam and Canada being recent trips that I've done. I would love to explore more plus culture and history about places I've never been to fascinate me. I also enjoy walks, visiting museums, listening to music or playing video games (PC and Switch).
I also have an eating disorder so as a result I'm quite short and very slim for my age. It also means depression and anxiety come with me by default
I'm looking for a human (good start, huh?) who can be from literally anywhere who I can bond with and go places with or potentially move into a relationship with. Long distance is possible. Hopefully your a fan of awful puns and dad jokes with a side of games and adventure too. Being down to vc or watch movies would also be cool (or even to talk on discord or something) - it's not me being desperate, I just really miss having voice calls.
Here's a icebreaker for you - what is a goal you have for your life? Where do you see yourself? If you could travel the world where would you travel to?
Thank you for reading this! You're amazing!! https://imgur.com/a/sEfFhUP

I’m just gonna post a novel in here describing my phone call with my bosses boss today, and you let me know if I’m in the wrong or chime in.
I’m a 4th year plumbing apprentice working for a great company in new construction high rises. I Love the trade, good company, but I hate the industry. I love coming into work and learning somthing new from a more experienced plumbetradesperson, but I’ve always resented the power relationship between employee and employer. Mainly people who work in our office who are out of touch with what’s happening in the field. I mean after all, they make money off of our labour in the overhead costs. Anyway here is what happened today
Our office has recently put out this safety app that all workers are required to fill out every morning. The idea being if you can list hazards and safety precautions before you start your day, you can avoid getting hurt. Almost everyone has resisted this app at first. But eventually we all bent the knee to our corporate masters and started filling out the app. Almost everyone just copy and pasted the same reports every day just to make our office happy.
Now I’m a rough in tester, so basically all I do is run around with a garden hose filling up units and bathtubs with water…..not exactly a very dangerous task. Still I am required to fill out the app and list a hazard. So with the combination of this, and my anti authority attitude I fill out the app sarcastically, assuming nobody reads this.
For example under the hazards section I’ll write: Getting wet and being cold Then under safety control I’ll write: Wear extra layers. Or wear a pool floatie. So on and so forth
Anyway, I get a call from our safety manager, where he proceeds to tell me I don’t take safety seriously, and I need to fill the app out to their standard. Despite never having a first aid incident in 3 years I’ve worked here.
To where I respond “this isn’t a safety app, this is a subordination app to track employee hours and keep us in line. You don’t care about our safety, you just don’t wanna pay extra insurance premiums in the event of a first aid incident. Yes I’m being a little unprofessional in my reports, but almost every other employee I work with agrees with me, the only difference is I actually speak up about it, whereas everyone else keeps their head down and follows orders.
We then had a back and fourth about the app for 10 minutes before I realized there was no combination of words in the English language I could say that would make them agree with me. And I’m ashamed to say I caved in and apologized. I’ve never felt so disgusted with myself.
In conclusion, my coworkers are telling me I’m being childish and disrespectful, and I need to fall in line and do as I’m told, whereas I think it’s more admirable to be honest and have an open dialogue with my employer.
Thoughts? Am I a disrespectful little shit? Thank you for your time

I ( F 21) have feelings for someone in my friend group ( M 23 )let’s call him Tim.
I just need to get it off my chest.
Background: I met one of my now closest friends ( F 23) about three months ago. Let’s call her Emma. We’ve become very close very quickly. To the point where everyone around us assumes that we’ve been friends since diapers. Because of this I really cherish our friendship and I don’t want to compromise it in anyway.
Emma introduced me to her friends, and I’ve introduced her to my friends which resulted in a fun little group. We’ve taken weekend trips together we always go out on the weekends together and everyone gets along. it’s a really fun dynamic. Which is exactly why I don’t want to go screwing anything up by having feelings for someone in the group.
Emma is also extremely close with Tim. We are in fact her two best friends. And in passing conversation ( about two other people in the group) both of them have made it very clear that having feelings with or hooking up with someone in the group would ruin everything.
When I first met tim, I was immediately panicked, he’s my type and he was so shy at first of course it peaked my interest. I knew I had a crush on him the first time we met. But I assumed it would fizzle out or something as most of my crushes do. But after getting to know him more, my feelings have only grown.
Every time we go out and we are drinking he gets really touchy and because I am drinking as well I play into it, there’s been two nights where we’ve had to share a bed and we ended up cuddling a little but that’s as far as things have gone. He’s somewhat protective when we go out, always making sure I’m OK and if some guy is being creepy or getting too close, he’s very quick to hold me and pretend he’s my boyfriend. Every time he does this he gives me butterflies, and the first few times he did it I just assumed he was being a good friend. He has sisters so I assumed he was just a big bro type. But then I noticed that after whatever creepy guy was gone, he would still be holding me. There are dozens of pictures of us drunk on a night out, holding onto each other smiling. most of my friends tease me that we look like we’ve been in love for years.
Me and my friends often go to country bars, and he complained that he didn’t know how to dance, so I taught him how to 2 step. He’s not bad if the song is slow enough,, whenever a slow song comes on, we always dance together and it makes me wanna melt every time.
I know he’s very adamant about not crossing lines in the friend group. But I can’t help but feel like he might have the smallest crush on me too. Whenever one of us is driving, there’s always that prolonged eye contact in the rearview mirror and I’m probably reading way too far into it but the way he watches me sometimes gives the vibe that he’s in the same situation I find myself in. The last time we shared a bed together, we were on a weekend trip. Everyone was going to bed, and we were both pretty tipsy. he needed help taking off his boots, so I helped him. But after he asked me to stay w him and cuddle and of course…I did.
this caused a riff between me and emma. she was worried we were crossing boundaries and possibly ruining the friend group. I wasn’t mad at her. We are her closest friends and she just wants to make sure that no one gets hurt. I told her nothing physical was ever gonna happen between him n i cuz of the friend group. And it’s true I really don’t want anything physical to happen between us, that would be super messy.
But at the same time we get along great , i’m always laughing and smiling whenever I’m with him. there’s this sense of familiarity, that is so comforting to me, that I’ve never experience with someone before. I can sit here and go on about his smile or his laugh and how they give me heart palpitations. Or about how whenever I’m around him, I have to constantly remind myself to stop staring at his eyes because they are so captivating. I keep finding myself thinking about him at almost all parts of the day. Wondering what he is doing, wanting to send him something that reminds me of him but I never do. I know he’s very adamant about not crossing lines in the friend group so I plan on telling no one my feelings. I plan on not acting on them. I would never want to cross a boundary that both he and emma made very clear.
I re-downloaded dating apps just to distract myself from him, because he’s simply not an option. but every profile I see, simply does not compare to him. I went on one date, and I was constantly looking for qualities that he has in my date. He’s often the subject of my dreams, and both the last thing I think of before bed, and the first thing I think of in the morning. I don’t know how to get him out of my head. I don’t want to stop spending time with him or the friend group but I might have to, for my sake.
He’s supposed to go out of town for a few weeks and I’m hoping time apart will be a good thing. I feel so stupid for even finding myself in this position honestly and I’m hoping as time goes on feelings will fade and I’ll look at this post and laugh someday or question who it was about. but for the time being, I really needed to get this off my chest.

So, I stopping being a sucker when Amazon raised the price of Prime LAST time, but got caught in their sneaky "Hey...here is a free month on us!" nag and accidentally accepted it. So while I'm stuck with it for a month (They literally force you to keep it even after cancelling it, presumably to nag you again when the month is up I decided to check out Prime Video again. I saw that Atlantis was back on it. That was actually one of the (many) reasons why I stopped paying for it.
Anyway, I noticed that now have the crappy edited for syndication version? The same as Hulu? Most noticeable is the scene where Ford and Sheppard go through the gate to go to Atlantis for the first time and Sheppard asked Ford what it was like to go through the gate. Ford says it hurts like hell, and then laughs as he jumps backwards through the gate. (Which would have led to him falling on his ass in the Atlantis gate room.) And the last time I watched on Prime, this scene was intact. But now, it is like the Hulu version where Sheppard asking Ford about it is totally gone, so all we see if Ford laughing and jumping backward through the gate, which is just plain odd with no context.
Seems odd that with the Amazon MGM deal finally going through that they would have the syndication edits and not the full versions. especially when they had the better versions before. (And funnily, I still has all my placeholders from years ago.)
Does it also have the fade outs and ins where commercial breaks used to be? And in some cases the commercial bumpers? That as another good part of the old Prime Video version. Those were edited out so the flow of the episode was not interrupted

So I recently went through all of AOT, and it quickly became my favorite series of all time, and one of the things that really helped me get into it was the soundtrack. As an aspiring musician myself who wants to make music for anime and video games in almost exactly the same style as AOT, this soundtrack is absolutely amazing!!! I've had it on pretty much on a loop since finishing the series a few weeks ago, and I kinda just wanted to gush about it for a bit, lol. So without further ado, here are my 3(ish) favorite tracks from each season!
Season 1:

• Guren No Yumiya. I'm gonna try to keep this to just the actual OSTs and not the openings, but I absolutely have to mention this one, it's absolutely iconic. I've been listening to this song for way longer than I have been into this series, and it's become a favorite of mine, it's just so goddamn catchy.
• The Reluctant Heroes. Am I the only one who thinks of Levi when they hear this song? Sure, it plays when he shows up for the first time, but even if it hadn't, the lyrics of this song fit him perfectly. It manages to be epic while still having a bittersweet feeling of loss and regret to it, and it works really well for me.
• Counter Attack-Mankind. There are so many good moments when this song plays in the entire series, and it always lands for me. It just has this feeling of hope to it that is really uplifting and makes you feel like maybe, just maybe, these characters stand a chance in this bleak and oppressing world, it's extremely powerful and I love it.
• DOA. Man, this song is good. That guitar riff is absolutely amazing, the vocals are a perfect call to action, it's catchy, it's fun, and it never fails to get me absolutely hyped for what's happening.

Season 2:

• Shinzou wo Sasageyo! Probably my favorite of the Linked Horizon OPs, this song is so goddamn good. It's a perfect opening track for this series if you ask me, and is only topped by one I'll talk about later. I'd be very surprised if any fan of this series couldn't sing along with the chorus, it's memorable, it's epic, and it's just absolutely amazing.
• Barricades. Probably my favorite vocal track in the entire series, this song takes what I said about Counter Attack-Mankind and how it has that feeling of hope to it, and perfectly combines it with DOA's amazing riffs and hype power. The moment when this starts playing again at the end of S4P2 had me jumping out of my seat in excitement. Also, I kinda associate this song's lyrics with Armin for some reason and idk why, I just feel like they fit him really well.
• YouSeeBIGGIRL. Now, I know this song is probably on everyone's lists, but that's for a reason. It's huge, it's epic, and it never fails to get you hyped. The vocals in the second half are absolutely beautiful, and its use in the anime is perfect.

Season 3:

• attack ON titan . Now, I could've talked about this song in Season 1 because I love that version, but I think the Season 3 version took an already perfect song and made it even more grand and epic. Everything about this track, from the guitar, to the vocals (With the extra solo vocalist in this version raising everything up even more), to the new piano intro, literally everything about this track is absolutely perfect, and it's probably the best song I've heard from any anime I've seen.
• Before Lights Out. This song is so fucking epic, it gets you perfectly hyped for what's fixing to happen and it's absolutely amazing. The lyrics are simple and yet perfect for the situation, and just in general it's a perfect track.
• Apple Seed. Now, Season 3's soundtrack has so many good remixes and orchestral arranges of older tracks, and this one stands out above the rest because the new vocals are just so goddamn good. It takes one of my favorite tracks from Season 2 and makes it even better.

Season 4:

• My War. Now, I know I said I'm gonna try to stick with the OSTs and not ramble about the OPs too much, but I have to talk about Season 4's OPs because they're both fucking amazing. I'll be the first one to admit that this song had to grow on me at first, but when it did, man it's catchy. It manages to strike this perfect balance between being creepy and being an absolute banger, and on top of that it's just a very complex piece musically, especially in the chorus. You've got like 5 different moving melody lines between the almost children-esque singing of the choir, the sort of war chanting of the main vocals, and then the violins come in on the repeat and add this amazing counterpoint to all of that, and then you've got the drums and guitar under that and it seems like it should be busy and cluttered, but it's mastered so perfectly that it all just works.
• The Rumbling. Now, even though I just wrote a mini-essay about My War, The Rumbling is actually my favorite of all the OPs. I think having a full-on metal OP for Attack on Titan works so well, and the lyrics are part of why this works so well for me. These lyrics perfectly represent Eren in Season 4 to the point to where they actually helped me figure out his motivations ahead of time and what his plan was. Especially that chorus, the whole "If I lose it all, slip and fall, I will never look away" line gives me chills. I could probably make a whole post breaking down this song and why it's so great, but that's for another day.
• Akuma No Ko. Easily my favorite of the EDs, this song is absolutely beautiful on a level I think only Gurenge from Demon Slayer can compete with for me, and it even blows that song out of the water. Everything about this song is perfect, but I think the chorus is the best part. The way the entire song builds up to it is absolute perfection, and then you get that drop with the amazing vocals and it works so goddamn well. This is also another one where the lyrics perfectly represent Eren, probably even better than The Rumbling does if you ask me.
• Ashes on the Fire. Easily my favorite of the new orchestral tracks, this song is absolutely epic, it's a perfect battle theme, and that first time it plays in S4E1, it gave me goosebumps. It builds up to the drop perfectly, and it doesn't stop building for a second until it's over.
• Splinter Wolf. This one has to be on here just for that final sequence of the new episode, that has to be one of the most exciting scenes in the entire anime for me, and I absolutely cannot wait to see the finale!

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But that's my ramblings, how about you guys? Sorry for the long post lol, I'm really passionate about this stuff and this series has such an amazing soundtrack that I just had to give some love to.