The Heavy Burden of Holding On: My Struggle with Hidden Trauma and Mental Health Disorders
I've been carrying a weight on my shoulders for far too long, and today I want to open up about my experiences. I've gone through a lot of trauma in my life, but I've always tried to stay strong and keep my emotions hidden. It's been a challenging journey, especially with my diagnoses of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). I've never been one to flaunt my disorders like those who fake or fantasize about them. Instead, I've remained authentic, even though it meant struggling silently.
One thing that sets me apart is being extroverted, despite my mind selectively muting itself depending on the context. This dichotomy within myself has often left me feeling conflicted and misunderstood. At just 17 years old, I also struggle with joint problems, and the last time I had a decent night's sleep was years ago. My mind feels blank, and remembering things has become increasingly difficult. I'm forced to live in the present moment because my childhood memories have faded away. However, the pain and heaviness associated with that time still resonate within me.
Expressing what I'm feeling right now is a challenge in itself. My biggest concern lies with my brain health. It's as if my mind is closed off, operating under a constant tiny pressure. My thoughts are foggy, and even visualizing simple things, like drawing a castle, proves to be incredibly arduous. The images I conjure up vanish as quickly as they appear. It feels like my brain is fatigued from thinking, and I'm struggling to find clarity.
While there are many other problems I hope to remember and address in the future, I want to emphasize that I'm not suicidal. I hold onto hope with unwavering strength and believe that there is a solution out there for me. I'm determined to find it.
I wanted to share my story with all of you because I believe that by opening up, we can find understanding and support. If any of you have experienced something similar or have suggestions on how to navigate this challenging journey, I would love to hear from you. Let's create a space where we can help each other heal, grow, and find solace in knowing we're not alone.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate your support, kindness, and any insights you might have to offer.
Update: I will make sure to keep you all posted on any developments or if I remember other aspects of my struggles because I have rarely opened up, and my memories have become repressed as a result. Let's continue this conversation and work towards finding solutions together.

I’m so annoyed by the “all Daryl does is grunt” misconception. That’s not true at all!!!! And we love him for MORE than his looks. Off the top of my head here are reasons why I, and others, love Daryl:
1) His character arc and transformation: He goes from angry hothead to a reliable and respectable leader
2) He provides much of the comic relief in the first two seasons
3) He is the only one to actively believe Sophia is alive for the duration of her disappearance, and he searches for her relentlessly
4) Daryl is fiercely loyal
5) After reuniting with Merle he chooses to go back to the prison because he finally recognizes Merle for who he is (more character development!)
6) When Andrea shoots him in the head, he’s completely cool with her and acknowledges she was doing a good job by protecting the group
7) He has a complex and difficult past, a broken family, and an abusive dad—and he overcomes it all during the apocalypse
8) He’s skilled in survival and hunting, an ESSENTIAL asset for the group
9) His relationships with Rick, Carol, Beth, transform him from a loner to a man who learns to love and accept love
10) He protects others, even strangers, like when there are folks on a bridge in trouble and he runs to help while Merle sits back
11) He cries in front of others on multiple occasions and allows himself to be vulnerable
12) Dog
Who wants to help expand the list?

I'm sure someone has already thought of this, but I've been playing a lot of pokemon rejuvenation lately. For those who don't know, it's a fangame with a ton of unique features, one of which being crests. Basically, crests are held items similar to mega stones (in that they can't be knocked off and only work for one specific pokemon) that are given to garbage pokemon to make them less garbage. Now, obviously these were designed for the game and not competitive pokemon, but most of them will probably still work fine. Also, I'm not a total expert on competitive pokemon, so if I'm wrong about something, please correct me in the comments.
Ariados Crest: It increases Ariados' Speed by 1.5x and always hit critically if target is slowed/poisoned.
With the effective free choice scarf boost from the crest, Ariados goes up to a whopping base 60 speed. That boost honestly seems kinda redundant even in gameplay, but I don't know the thought process when designing it. I noticed the only recommended set for this thing has it running focus sash, which makes sense considering its lackluster base defenses. It's possible that it could maybe clean up opponents with a critical hit sucker punch if an ally managed to set sticky web/toxic spikes earlier, but even with a crest, I don't see it becoming much better than it already is.
Bastiodion Crest: Deals 50% of the damage taken as recoil and recovers that amount.
FSG is in tears right now. While it still isn't an amazing wall, this almost guarantees bastiodon will last a lot longer. If you hit it with an earthquake, not only will it heal back half the damage, but it will also deal half back to you. Still not perfect, as with lackluster offenses, you can usually just take it down with a second powerful fighting/ground move with it only getting one hit in, but it can just stop a lot of strong and frail offensive pokemon in their tracks.
Beheeyem Crest: May disable opponent's move and faster opponents do reduced damage.
Cursed body and an effective defense buff. With pretty good special attack and analytic boosting it even further, it could already do a lot of damage beforehand. Now, it's more likely to live a hit so it can actually get one off. Seems pretty straightforward.
Boltund Crest: 1.5x boost to biting moves if Boltund moves before target.
Extra strong jaw if it moves first, which it usually will thanks to that 121 speed. Since the recommended set on smogon for this thing is with life orb, and this crest will do better than life orb most of the time, there's little downside. Of course choice scarfers still screw it over, but it does much better besides that
Castform Crest: Causes Castform to use first weather move and changes its base stats and ability based on the weather.
Side note: technically works with sandstorm, but since there isn't a form for it, there's really no reason to use it
Rain Form:
HP: 100
Attack: 70
Defense: 80
Sp. Attack: 70
Sp. Defense: 80
Speed: 70
Ability: Rain Dish
Clearly intended to be more bulky, this form gets higher defenses and healing in rain dish. It's still nothing to write home about, but hey, it's an automatic rain setter for lower tiers
Sun Form:
HP: 70
Attack: 70
Defense: 70
Sp. Attack: 90
Sp. Defense: 70
Speed: 100
Ability: Solar Power
Tera Fire Solar Power boosted sun boosted stab moves are nothing to laugh at, but with 100 speed, most fast offensive pokemon can easily outspeed and take it out
Hail Form
Hp: 70
Attack: 70
Defense: 70
Sp. Attack: 100
Sp. Defense: 70
Speed: 90
Ability: Slush Rush
I used this one on my playthrough of the game, and it might just be personal bias, but I think this form is the best of the three. With slush rush, it can outspeed most pokemon, and actually take advantage of its great support movepool. Just looking through its learnset, it has access to toxic, thunder wave, defog, tailwind, and disable, which could all be pretty useful, and of course 100% accurate Blizzards are always nice
Cherrim Crest: Stays in Sunshine mode regardless of weather
It's still garbage. While needing sunny day to do even remotely well always hurt cherrim, even with flower gift always active, it's a bad pokemon. Now it has a whole extra moveslot to run a move that hits like a wet napkin. Hooray.
Cinccino Crest: All moves turn into multi-hit moves. 2-5 hits of 30% the BP. Additional effects can only occur on the first two hits
Meh. Outclassed by life orb or kings rock variants in almost every way. Next.
Claydol Crest: Special attacks use its Defense stat. Beam moves are boosted.
Without having to invest in its now 105 Sp. Attack at all, it's free to invest in bulk. Mostly positives, but it does have to run psybeam over psychic to get the damage boost. Besides just being a powerful bulky pokemon, it might be ok with sun up, since that neutralizes its water weakness and it can hit a powerful solar beam, but there are plenty of good fire types with solar beam, so it probably won't be very good for that
Cofagrigus Crest: It increases Cofagrigus's Sp. Def and Sp. Atk by 25%
It's just a free stat boost with no restrictions. Its base Sp. Defense goes from average to pretty good, as does its attack. The latter is even better when you consider nasty plot, which makes it a pretty bug threat if it can set up, which is made easier by the other boost. I honestly think this could make Cofagrigus go up a tier, although I'm not sure of it
Darmanitan Crest: It makes Unovan Darmanitan stay in Zen Mode if that is its ability.
Don't use this. It's not horrible, but unless you really want to use zen mode darmanitan, there's no reason to use this. Just give it a life orb/choice scarf and mindlessly click flare blitz until it dies.
Dedenne Crest: Physical attacks use its Speed stat rather than its Attack stat.
This crest uses your speed stat after calculating EVs, IVs, and nature for physical attacks, so you can invest in bulk. But with 57 base defense and 67 base Sp. Defense, it still dies to any decently powerful attack. And since you can only invest in one of those, it can't even take a weak attack on the other end of the spectrum its not invested in.
Since there are 44 crests as of the latest update and I don't feel like typing for another few hours, I'm gonna do this in parts. Next thursday, if I remember, I'll post the next 11 on the list. Feel free to let me know if I made any mistakes in the comments, as I'm still sorta new to this stuff

Okay…so. Idek if this is the right subreddit to post this question but I am struggling so bad and need help/answers. 7 months ago when depersonalization/derealization (a dissociative disorder) reared it’s head back into my life for the first time in 6 years, for some reason I had this horrible realization that we really don’t get to choose how we feel…hear me out.
So for some reason I thought that we feel an emotion(s) all day long. That’s just what I had in my head because I’ve never really thought about. Now I’ve realized that we only experience emotions for like 30-90 seconds or so. They’re just rushes of a feeling. So…wtf are we feeling all the other minutes of the day?! That’s consciousness. And we can’t control it. Your house will always feel a certain way everyday, the grocery store has a different feel, a park has a different feel, EVERYTHING has a different feeling/vibe and there’s absolutely NOTHING I can do to change that feeling or vibe because it just IS.
I had this realization after not knowing for months why I was freaking the absolute fuck out about why I couldn’t change how I “felt” until I realized that what I became afraid of was quite literally the feeling of being alive… and how I can’t change the “vibe” of any place. I know this sounds so weird but it is literally all I can think about all day everyday and puts me in massive panic modes where I just want to escape my body so bad.
I am so mad that I had this realization/epiphany because I feel like I will never be the same again. How am I supposed to enjoy my days now when I know exactly what tomorrow will feel like? It feels like I’m living the same day everyday now.
I hate how my brain labeled this “bad” because now I can barely enjoy a minute of my day. I just feel like everything feels wrong now.
Can anyone at all relate to me? Or does anyone have advice on how I can reframe my thoughts around this? Because I feel incredibly TRAPPED. Like I’m drowning/suffocating in my own consciousness everyday. It is beyond weird and horrid. I feel like I have no free will to feel what I want to feel. Idek how this happened 😰 It literally feels like I had some sort of “spiritual awakening” and no one else on planet earth feels this but me.

Apologies in advance if there are mistakes, especially in specific terminology, English is not my first language and my phone autocorrect likes to mess up on me when writing in English.
My boyfriend (30m) and I (28f) have been together 6 months. We were both raised more or less catholic (both not really faithful families, but we both are catholic), he has quit church years back while I've been wanting to do so for years. I'm not spiritual at all, more like a "i believe what I see" kinda person and into psychology. He has turned to buddhism, but in his words not really as a faith to believe in, more like a spiritual guideline of sorts. I'm fine with it, no issue, he doesn't try to force me into it and doesn't pester me with it.
The buddhistic center he goes to seems to be one of many in Germany. It has classes about Buddhism and meditation, but also a shared housing on the premises and apparently a big kitchen and a garden and also a small cafe. He used to live in the shared housing, but moved out due to problems with roommates and the leader of the whole center. He is still very engaged in the center tho - he's paying a member fee (don't know how much, only know that he's reduced it and wants to do less because of the leader) and helping out there quite often. There is a cooking team, which he is part of i think once a month, there is charitable work for the cafe (running the register) and there is gardening help like once or twice a year. He said he should not be there more than twice a month, but i have the impression he always ends up there more often, helping out impromptu. He used to be more involved, and used to do the finances for the whole center, but has dropped this because he's just getting his doctorates and will start working full time afterwards plus he didn't want to give so much after his conflict with the leader of the center.
We have talked about this whole thing multiple time at length, because he has sensed how uncomfortable I was before. I have voiced the concern that it seems like he's giving so much more than getting out of it, but he says the meditation and stuff helps him a lot, and that he enjoys helping out. I've also voiced that only ever hear about him helping out and working there, and almost never him actually going there to meditate and stuff, he said that this happens when he's there working. He also said it's not a cult, that everyone can leave at will, they didn't object to him moving out and everyone can chose if they're a member. My boyfriend is friends with one former member, who quit i think because he didn't agree with how the center is led. Right now, i just want to he supportive and have stopped raising concerns about the center, but they haven't disappeared.
What doesn't help is that this center seems to be a cesspool of people with some kind of severe problems, that are not necessarily in therapy. I'm not judging mental health issues, have my fair share myself and have been in lengthy and intensive therapy. But there seems to be people with addiction, with severe anger issues, with very questionable social behavior or behavior in relationships, with narcissistic or very attention seeking behavior... My boyfriend himself is in serious need of therapy to work through a lot of things in his life, but doesn't want to do it (tho he has said maybe he should lately) and seemingly has used the center as a replacement for it in the past, which obviously did not work because he is very much not over those things. He also has mild anger issues himself, but only to the point that he needs a longer time to cool down, not to the point of ever coming even close to being violent. He acknowledges and knows about those anger issues, and often describes them in buddhistic terms, but the practices he learned don't seem to help him in the moment of anger. Obviously all those people with problems, like himself, have turned towards the center for support, which is good of course. But I'm not sure it's all too healthy when it's replacing therapy and when all of those people come together unregulated. Obviously the center has every right to exist, I'm not against the fact it's there. But I'm concerned what kind of perspective on life my boyfriend might be getting from the group there - they're the biggest part of his social circle. I've met a few of them at a party outside the center, they seemed nice, but my boyfriend seemed to have problems with a few of them and has told me quite a lot of stories overtime. I haven't talked about this aspect of the center to him because I didn't know how to put it and i know he will become defensive of it as he doesn't think highly of therapy at all.
He has asked me once before if i would like to join the center, to which I've said no I'm not interested in joining at all - as I've said I'm not a spiritual person. I've never been there either, don't really know if it's possible without joining. I want to make it clear I'm not at all against his religion or spirituality in Buddhism, even tho it's not my cup of tea, it's just the center that I'm unsure about. And I know that I obviously can't forbid him from going there, I can just speak to him about my concerns otherwise it's my problem.
I guess I'm just looking on some outside perspective on that whole thing. Would you be concerned or does it sound fine? I'm also concerned that when he starts working full-time (plus possibly overtime) it might get too much to help there so much, even tho he says that some workplaces will give him extra time off for charitable work. It's possible it's just some kind of fear of the unknown on my part. How do I deal with it when each time when he talks about going there it's giving me a bit of annoyance and a bit of concern? Doesn't help that the day he always helps there is the Thursday, which is my day off at work besides weekends (working part-time) and which has made meeting on my day off hard or cut it short before.

https://www.esd.whs.mil/Portals/54/Documents/DD/issuances/dodi/515431_vol04.pdf
This document is what the AD guy was saying should make all of us who have to travel for drill and AT be able to use our GTC to get to drill and that our S4 or whoever fills that position isn't doing their job correctly since this document supercedes anything the guard can put out for it.
At this point I really don't care. I'm leaving the guard for AD so it's no biggie to me anymore, but for you guys who want to go after this and complain, be my guest.
Also sorry if this post is hard to read like I had a stroke, I've been frantically trying to figure out how I was going to get to drill for the last 2 hours stressed to hell dealing with customer support people during that whole time so my brain just got absolutely fried pushing for what I needed

I (17 F) am currently dating J (18 M) for 6 months. My sister (15 F) has been trying to start problems with me and J. She keeps stating that we are cheating on each other (she’s been saying this basically since month one), and here recently has been treating me like absolute crap. The last two fights (one being today) she has brought up my past “almost relationships”.
For context, about two and a half years ago my ex dumped me. It was an extremely toxic relationship that eventually led me to fall deeper into depression, and developed extreme attachment issues (i already had both from past experiences of life). After my ex dumped me, i later found out he cheated on me which was most likely the reason he dumped me, this senior (i was freshly 15/freshman year, at the time) at my school started to make advances.
This senior (let’s call him B) had already started to show signs of liking me before my ex dumped me. I always strayed away from him at the time because i was loyal to my boyfriend and didnt want to play with this guys feelings. Before i knew he had feelings for me though, i took him to a dance with me. Not really as a date because we were with 10 other people, but he had never been to a dance before so i figured i would ask and he was a good friend of mine. My ex had moved to a different state the year before so he wasnt able to attend with me. I asked my ex if it was okay with him if i took this guy with me and my friends to the dance, he said as long as i didnt talk to him about it he wouldnt care.
B ( 17 almost 18 M) knew that i had a boyfriend, and i had stated multiple times that we were just friends and i was not looking to break up with my boyfriend.
I guess after the dance B realized he liked me, so he started to advance but i strayed away from him until My ex broke it off with me. After my ex broke up with me i was going to give B a chance. Me and B started hanging out more and after about two months i releazed that i really wasnt attracted to this guy, he always was talking depressive to me 24/7 and if i had a problem and tried to confide in him about it, he made it about himself and went on this depressive rant. I would always sit back and listen but it was really starting to affect me worse mentally and just wasnt good for me so i told him I wasnt wanting a relationship right then.
Around a month after this, another senior, we’ll call him E (18 M) ( i was about 3 years and 3 months yonger than him, at the time i was 15 and a half) tried to make his move on me. I saw E as nothing more than a friend so when he told me he liked me i said i didnt feel the same way. When i told my grandmother (my caretaker) about this she lost her mind. She said i was always throwing the good ones away for pieces of trash. After we argued for a little while i eventually decided to suck it up and try to make my grandmother happy, so when E wanted to hang out I agreed. We hung out for a couple weeks and he had started talking about getting in a relationship, the thought made me uncomfortable but i didnt want my grandmother to be mad or disappointed in me so instead i decided to go along with it. I agree that it was a stupid thing to do, but i was 15 and had just got out of an abusive relationship.
E ended up backing out of it because he and his family were afriaid of legal issues. About 8 months later i met my current boyfriend. I love him dearily and he is the best thing to ever happen to me.
My sister on the other hand despises us being together and has brought up the fact i “played other boys feelings” so why wouldnt i play J’s feelings. We have gotten into 2 fights about it and when i try to explain to her that it’s weird for a senior (much less two of them) to try to get with a freshman was weird. She said that it doesnt matter and i played their feelings. Today i told her that i was uncomfortable with E and that B made me feel depressed. I feel like this is causing problems with me and my sister and i dont know what to do. Frankly i dont think its any of her business.
Did i lead them on? Is my sister right? If she is how do i deal with the resentment she shows me for it?

My employer outsources their FMLA through a third party company. My company’s internal HR is only required to know our return to work date.
I injured my arm and it’s going to require surgery. I won’t know the extent of the healing process until after the surgery is performed next Monday. I have been keeping my boss updated in good faith.
My FMLA was originally sent to the wrong physician, and then I got a second opinion from a different specialist due to the extent of my injury. The company my employer uses is notorious for not sending paperwork as requested or otherwise being very sluggish about it. I’ve asked them to resend the paperwork twice and have submitted a new request to them. It’s still not been sent.
My employer sent an email to me today telling me I have three business days to resolve the problem or I face termination. I’ve been actively working to solve the problem and it’s not moving at the pace they want. I understand their need to know my schedule, but I’ve given them all I can at this point.
I’m not sure how to respond to my employer’s request. I’m actively looking for another job, because of this and other reasons, but I’ve not worked since I’ve been injured. (I’ve been transparent about my FMLA status with potential employers.)
How should I craft my response?

I'm a hopeless romantic deeply thoughtful guy. i could become your lifelong soulmate , provided you put in a bit of effort to understand me. I want to know you deeply from within. Do you have the courage to talk freely and be open about who you really are ? We all have shortcomings and issues. Acceptance is important.
I'm eventually looking for a serious long term relationship but I understand a lifelong commitment can be hard to promise or expect. So, I don't mind taking things slow, starting from a friendship with some fun chats and affection / intimacy. But i would like to discuss about the practicalities and feasibilities at some point in our conversation , especially if incompatibilities or geographical barriers are involved that can make it hard for us to be with each other. And then, we can gradually develop that emotional connect and liking for each other as we talk but yet not rush into commitment until we are sure of our decision.
People outside India are welcome too. LDR is fine with me ( i can move to your country). Long distance makes the final meet even more romantic as we travel across the world to be with each other. I'd be so happy if you visit me and learn about Indian culture from me.

Some Essential Info About Me

I was into software development and even did some stock trading on the side. Tried developing my own game as a hobby project. I didn't learn much in college. I was a self taught app developer. Self-employed. I'm not quite settled or established yet, but have enough to make ends meet. But eventually, I found I need support in life. It's difficult to work alone without a business partner or a romantic life partner. So I've just lost motivation to work since past few years. Also because of my family environment. My father hasn't been working since a decade, so I never had a role model growing up who could inspire me to be diligent, disciplined and help me find opportunities.
And I've realized lately that my motivation is more towards finding love. It's like a fuel I need in order to continue to perform. So I'm focusing on that first because I know I can't have my heart in my career if my mind is craving for something else. Finding a loving partner is both a need for me and the foremost thing on my bucket list. And finding consistent compatible women who are self aware and clear about what they want has been hard for me. It often ends in a few weeks. Or converts into a platonic friendship. But if I can't find romantic love, then I hope I atleast can find a true platonic unconditional love. And once I do, I will have the energy in me to realize my potential in the career aspect too.
I've never had a relationship, so you'll be my first.
Physical: height is six feet ** , I'm average build , slightly **muscular. Fair skin but not white, more like wheatish. Black hair. Cute. I get mixed responses. Some women like my looks, while some ghost after seeing my pics. ( in case you feel unattracted, just tell me bluntly 😅. I appreciate straightforwardness)

My Personality

I really like being a support and best friend to anyone, even if relationship doesn't work out between us. I believe in honesty, kindness, fidelity, privacy, empathy. I am straightforward in talks, i hate mind games, you don't need to be over-polite . Be blunt and straight with me please.
I think i'm assertive and i openly express how i feel and i want you to do the same. If you keep things bottled in, you'll be at discomfort. I want you to share your feelings & thoughts with me in a direct way and be as comfortable while talking , as if i'm your best friend.
I'm an ambivert because i feel introvert with people i don't really connect with and extrovert otherwise. My MBTI type (can't say if it is still the same) is ENTP.

My Interests and Hobbies

talking to people, listening to their issues and helping out, playing sports, especially those involving teamwork, i really want to collaborate eventually to solve problems the world faces. I am altruistic but self-centred too.

Affection & Intimacy

These are results of my love language test :
40% Acts of Service
20% Quality Time
18% Physical Touch
12% Receiving Materialistic offerings
10% Words of Affirmation
I like to give hugs every few hours. I believe i have a high drive. I am a sapiosexual, means attracted to intelligence. I adore your brain. While I'm not a demisexual, overall, I think it's the emotions and love which makes it all the more fulfilling. I like giving pleasure as much as receiving. I also can adapt to my partner's nature. So, I am dominating if they like me to lead and take control but I can be submissive too.

Who I’m Looking for

A woman anywhere on the Earth (if you can't relocate, i will ) who is preferably around my age (but I'm flexible) , any race. I'm open minded about your views of god, life philosophy. religion etc and you should be tolerant too. I'd prefer though that you follow a middle ground between a religious zealot and a hardcore nihilist. I do believe our existence and life has a purpose. But even if we don't align in our spiritual beliefs now, we may become like-minded as we talk and understand each other. We need to be receptive to new ideas and alternate viewpoints and rational / logical.
I value love and intelligence above everything else, so even if you are depressed, don't have confidence in your beauty, have some mental health issues, are not able to get over a break up, still i'd like to atleast get to know you , be your friend and give it a chance.
I feel people who have faced failures are actually wiser, people who have experienced depression before are mature and those who have suffered loss in the past are more emotionally stronger. I'm looking for a loving heart and beautiful soul. Physical attraction is important , but not the main thing i look for.
I don't smoke, drink, take any drugs, and i'd prefer if you don't as well.If you do, i won't pressurize you to change your lifestyle completely for me but I'd want you to put in an effort to abstain from that. I understand addictions are tough to deal with. But occasional indulgence is fine.
I also don't care about your income. You may be a college dropout , unemployed , that's alright. But i need you to be hard working and diligent.
In this overpopulated world, it doesn't make ethical sense for us to have kids. And a secondary reason is they deserve lot of time, attention and resources which we may not be able to provide with our life situations. I don't want to become the cause of why their upbringing may get messed up. That's why I have a preference towards being childfree.

Communication

I am open towards voice calls too whereas video calls only after some weeks . You don't need to send a pic right away but you can ask for mine after we chat for some hours . I don't abandon people abruptly , i'd let you know if i wish to discontinue talking. I'm also transparent about whoever i'm speaking to. I will never cheat on you , lead you on , keep you as a backup option , etc. You are free to explore your dating options until we become exclusive. I encourage you to talk to other people too.
If two lonely people get together, we can dispel away the loneliness.

Confusion
Warning!!!Long post ahead.
So last year i(29M) started working on my startup around april. During that time i managed to gather a 11person team. Then i needed a content writer. So one of my co-founder reffered a girl(22F) whom he friends with. I hired her and started working with her through phone call on a daily basis. At first i was hasitant to talk anything beside the work but after some time when she started to open up about her past and her family so i thought she is being friendly and started to talk about personal stuff also. So a friendship began during that time i was dating my ex and she was also dating someone. So around july she broke up with that guy whom she was dating.
Then our conversations through phone increased apart from work hours. During that time i used to do parties in my home she is always seems so excited to come to my house. She used to be super flirty, i have to hold back. (Its not that i am shy i have been with 7 girls in my life but have to mantain the boss figure) warned her many times that don't wanna talk but she's always like a chatterbox. So around october one day she was behaving like a child constantly trying to annoy me for 2/3 days. So i asked my cofounder to talk to her so which she said to him that she was taking a revange on me because acc. to her i was trying to be bossy and doesn't respect her. I was super annoyed that day so by evening she was trying to annoy me more it was like she was waiting from a reaction from my end, she was calling me every 15-30 mins to rescedule the time for work happend atleast 6/7 times that evening. I waited till 11.30 that night then called and lashed out at her.( i know super fu○king wrong, have no right to lashed out on someone). On the very next day called her appologised her for my behaviour and told her my situation that, why i lost my controll. And my breakup with my ex and the problems with investors. That night for the very first time i felt something about her. The way she was trying to giving me the solutions and courage. I was just awwstrucked.
So started developing feelings. But deep down felt wrong because didn't want her to be a rebound. Then after 15/20 days when we met again in my house party something triggered in us both we had our first touch that day spent the entire evening in the kitchen. I was cooking and she was helping me with dishes. Felt i found the one that day. Then our bond gets stronger after that started talking more and more after work like 4/5 hours everyday. Then the day in november came when unknowingly i spilled her that i like her (never had any intention to say that) i know things were going to get fucked up from this point on because it was too early. Now she started distanceing her self. For 10 or 15 days i was quite at that time but after that she initiated contact and told me indirectly that she like me too. I didn't reacted that day. Acted like i didn't get what she was trying to say. After couple of days we had a fight because of the co-founder whom she was reffered by bcz he was always trying to slut shame her to me. And i told her the things he told me about her which she got furious that how i didn't take any stand for her or fight for her. Which i reassured her that i trust her and i don't believe what he was saying. So why wasting any energy trying to fight a person of that kind. We fought for 5hours that day ended up owning up my mistake that i let her down.
Again for 15 days no talk. And stared talking around mid december. Around that time she said that she is emotionally unavailable right now. So she doesn't want to start anything. Which i said okay. Knew she need peace and her time to sort out the things. And the problem started from there when she was trying to test me by trying to tell me about her guy friends. (Those guy friends with whom my cofounder try to associate her name with.) I try to stay calm but my evil brain trying to act extra smart and poked her by conffesing once again. (Just to keep her quite)She got extra furious that day. I said no worries i ll take it as a rejection and move on. After 2/3 days she again told me that she likes me. And after some day she was started to being flaky. From regular calling to 7/8days talking in a month. From past 3 months. During these months i asked her many times that if you want to leave you can. Which she denies every time when asked.because with her hot and cold behaviour my work from her end getting effected. (Main problem is i have to sit with her while working otherwise she can't write anything) Now the problem is
A. I can't kick her out from the company. It will leave a bad impression. ( also She work for INR5k a month part time which is so cheap) B. She is not leaving on her own. C. It seems impossible to separate proffesional and personal right now. D. To nail the coffin- (i now fucking love her)
TL; DR : working with the girl caught feelings had couple of f'ed up situations. Can't decide what to do.From past 3 months. During these months i asked her many times that if you want to leave you can. Which she denies every time when asked.because with her hot and cold behaviour my work from her end getting effected. (Main problem is i have to sit with her while working otherwise she can't write anything).

Recently, I've endeavored to approach my spirituality with Healing being my main focus.
I believe firmly that this coincides with my intense interest in necromancy, and naturally my affinity towards Death. My unique spiritual DNA, I think, has to do alot with my own personal tower moments. Times in my life where I faced the deepest ravines of my personal shadow, where my ego was cut with a scythe; albeit, allowed to regrow again over time. Friends, honestly, I used to be thick in the gangs, the drugs, and that lifestyle which guarantees never tomorrow. The past, my past, was an eclectic mix of many different social circles.
My path was walking through fire the whole time. Whether self-afflicted, or a casualty of war, it is a miracle I am alive. I testify to Santa Muerte always watching over Me.
I know my addiction is in the past, and I don't mean to always thread it in my reflections.
In deepest conviction, I feel and believe it speaks alot about where you are today ... when can use the past as a focal point for real change. It's like all of the sudden, when I got serious about who I am, where I want to go, and how to become who that man is (the one I visualized for so long, the one I needed to be to myself), the one I visualize in daily meditation; all the sudden... the low notes were transposed into a symphony. I have a real family now, I am going to be a Father. I am a rising pillar in the local recovery community. I've been able to be of spiritual assistance to human family that I meet along my journey. To Be this far and look back, it is humbling. Silently I admit, absolutely, a sign post of the turn around is the Spirits. Belial for sure, Lucifer, Paimon, Abaddon. Absolutely, integral, is Santa Muerte. For real, she is so powerfully with Me; I feel a new level of peace and comfort never before felt in this lifetime.
I feel in my heart, the reason I am sharing all of this previous information, is to help explain to you why I feel it's worthy to share today's experience. All of my sharing, has nothing to do with "my" genius, rather this story stands as a testament to the power of Santa Muerte.
Today I woke up at 5Am, meditated on "restoration" for an hour. I dropped my Sananga eye drops into my eye, slowly breathing and accepting the sting of the medicinal sananga eye drops. Sananga is a power filled medicine imported from Brazil. These eye drops utilize subtle energetic medicine to slowly decalcify the pineal grand. Sananga clears the "panema" from the eyes, panema being an indigenous term to reference "dark energy" or stagnant energies which disinhibit our true vision. Our true vision perceives not only the 3 Dimensional, but also the 4 Dimensional and higher; or in a sense, the fullness of the astral plane and spiritual dimensions.
I dropped the Sananga, and I jogged to the park which was 2 miles away. I was going to be a little late unless I sprinted, so I ran without stopping. The whole time I kept thinking "don't be a bitch" and I hauled ass. My friend, like I said, they are a military veteran and a bad ass so I have the utmost respect for their time and the quality of who they are as a human being. When I arrived at this meeting spot, we dapped up and stretched, and then we got too work.
We ran. It wasn't too difficult for me, and at the same time, I'm thinking about the warrior I was honored to train with today and I'm doing self-talk. "mother fucker, you will not stop" and I'm thinking of how I lost a good friend who struggled with addiction to a fentanyl overdose last weekend. I'm thinking of my future family. I'm thinking of how I want to be as ripped and fit as my little brother who is finishing his training in bootcamp right now. I want him to come home and be proud of me, and I want to earn the respect of everyone I meet; Not by talk, rather through actions. There is an undeniable power that comes with being a ripped beast-mode mother fucker. That is Me and who I am becoming.
The summary of that paragraph is "self-talk" and how I used mental images and strong emotions, both negative and positive, to propel me inside of this flow state as I surpassed the previous mental limitations I had placed on myself, and I broke through that fucking ceiling like a raging bull. There were a couple times we stopped, and during those times I was able to connect with my Brother whom I have the utmost respect for. It was during these moments, the camaderie was built and deeper rapport established. So "Here is my message from Ma - Self Talk is EVERYTHING!"
We are repelled and attracted; on an etheric, mental, subtle level it is important to understand the self, and how the self is pushed away from people, places, and things, and attracted towards pleasurable people, places, and things. You are the one in control of writing the programming regarding what attracts you; I used to be moving towards temporary fleshly desires, and now I am strongly attracted towards beinga beacon of hope, laughter, and love; Do not be fooled, I am not love and light. I am very much in touch with darkness, however through this internal understanding of the shadow I am growing into a spirit within a body who accelerates and enhances the energy of those around me, whatever their path may be.
What Am I repelled from? This would be what has cost me tremendous pain, shame, and dissappointent. What I've overdosed on ten years ago, the drugs which have cost me brothers and sisters - yeah, it's thick where I come from, and the pain is deep. I am repelled by that which would create me to become a hypocrite and disrepect towards Santa Muerte whom has granted me family, safety, peace, love, life, and wisdom. What that looks like, is a glutton for pain who disrespects his family and future daughter by choosing to step away from HIs most perfect self. If you pause and think about what I said, consider what that looks like... Reaistically, I am liberal and maybe you could say "Dutch" in the sense that I don't judge, and me personally, I have done a line of cocaine or two and been cool. As long as you got your fucking priorities straight and you're honest with your "god damned self" you know? It's the repulsion from becoming a straight drug fiend, a liar and thief who denys the self and chooses a false projection to subsist on fake pleasure. I enjoy drugs for inspiration, within moderation, with the exceptions of opiates. I avoid the hard shit in general, this writing is all keeping it A- to the motha fuckin real.
I grew up some of my life with the Hood, and also had the privilege of a middle class lifestyle at the least. When I was 18, I left the midwest and went out west to Nevada/Salt Lake City and I got a real taste of the streets. I was a rebellious, hustling psychonaut hellbent on the truth. I was also susceptible to magicians whom claimed to be "Divine and Chosen", having been raised in a very strict and very abusive religious enviroment. All of this submersion into the reality of the world, and the streets, from the Hood and the homeless shelters and the deepest crevices of societies underbelly (even rubbing shoulders with traffickers of drugs and humans on bulk, never NEVER advocating for that shit.... never really judging as such a young man, practically a teenager even, yet never advocating... just observing as a demonic creature witnessing the world...) all of this immersion, this modern baptism into Darkness, it served to broaden my horizons and open me to the possibilities of healing myself.
See when I started out on this spirtual journey officially, doing dedications and witch craft spells for wisdom and knowledge, more than sex and money, this all began a process which I believed altered my quantum reality. My initial course of reality was shifted, and I made choices more in line with "chaos" than the order predetermined and set for me. How I got to this point was willingly embracing "tower moments" only now, looking back, it is coming full circle and I am able to provide real support to those around me having been throught that darkness, and most importantly support to myself.
So In retrospect, today's run of 7 miles was also an "offering", a sort of proposal to my personal God and Ma, respecting them and inviting them into my spirit. Movement can be a great way to transmute the personal struggle and internal state, and with this in mind, I am also encouraging you to get up and become active. Find a way to participate in creative acts, and co-creation; reflect, encourage, and inspire.
I feel like maybe this post was a bit adhd, so I want to leave you with a few thoughts. No Matter Where You Are At, Santa Muerte Accepts You. She wants to see you Shine, and become all that you are. If you love yourself, or maybe you are struggling to love yourself, do you love Ma enough too ask Her to change you? She will create circumstances in your life, move people around, and you will be faced with temptations and challenges. Maybe even losing things. Where there is loss, there is room to grow. So have hope. Be strong. Life is so fucking temporary. Who you live as, beginning today, that is what counts. When you die, choose to face your God, Goddess, Deities, Self ; choose to face that with clean hands and an open heart.
Today I ran alot of miles, it was more than that. My personal achievements are very, very small in the grand scheme of the cosmos. I believe we are small fractals of the greater cosmos at large, therefore our choices everyday contribute to a small movement that is great when collective, a diretional change towards a better future for our children, and a better earth. If nothing else, we can say that we lived as Gods. Hail To Thee! Hail ThySelf! Hail Santisma!

I've never been too into Lord of the Rings, but after seeing the 9 [[Nazgul]] i knew i need to do it. This is basically everything I've ever wanted from the Ooze tribe but they're not Oozes so we're just gonna have to settle.
I brain stormed a few commanders for them. The best options i could come up with were [[Araumi, of the Dead Tide]], [[Marchesa, the Black Rose]], and [[Tayam, Luminous Enigma]]. Marchesa seems by far the most resilient so I ended up going with that, but i may explore Tayam in the near future. Since the Nazgul will always get a counter on ETB they will always be saved by Marchesa.
Main theme aristocrats is an obvious angle here, but I wanted more token/aggro though, with a small bit of aristocrats burn.
The goal is to both sac them for value using cards that care about nontoken creatures dying or leaving the graveyard in order to generate value through card draw, tokens, and damage.
Deck list: https://www.moxfield.com/decks/wwR_22tuLUmDzDPpxXXpCw

Warning: previous chapters of this story have been updated with plot and character changes. Even if you've read them before, this chapter may not make sense unless you go back and re-read the last few chapters.
The Exchange Student Homepage
The next few days were a blur. I wanted to spend every waking moment (and all of my sleeping moments) wrapped around Isak. But school was fast approaching, and even though neither of us wanted to discuss it, I knew we had to decide what our plan was.
The fear of being outed at school started to keep me up at night. Sure, my parents knew and were weirdly cool with everything. But putting up with parents that are upset with you is minor compared to the judgmental stares and whispers that I knew would haunt me if people found out at school.
That combined with the stress of keeping secrets from Emma finally made me snap. Isak and I were laying on my bed when I pulled out my phone. I video called Emma and she picked up almost immediately.
“Oh hey, I was starting to feel like you two were ghosting me.” She put on a pouty face.
“About that…” I shifted nervously and Isak suddenly sat up, realizing what I was about to do.
Emma looked concerned but didn’t say anything.
“There is something that I have to tell you and you’re probably going to be pissed at me.” It was time for me to face the music.
“Jesus Gabriel, what have you done?” She sat down on her bed, preparing for the worst.
“I may have encouraged someone to shoot their shot with Ross.” Gabriel kept it vague to protect Reese.
Emma stared at the phone for a moment. I wasn’t able to read her reaction. “Is it safe to assume that based on your vagueness that this certain someone that you told to shoot their shot is a guy?” I glanced nervously at Isak and didn’t answer her question. “I’ll take that as a yes.” She didn’t seem upset, just confused. “Is Ross gay?”
I looked at Isak for help. He finally grabbed the phone from me. “The jury is still out on that one I’m afraid.”
“Well. Shit.” She looked a little disappointed, but not angry. “How come you never encouraged me to take a shot at him?” She asked.
“Didn’t seem like you needed it. You do a fine job flirting with him without my encouragement.” I explained.
“Yeah I guess you have a point there.” She seemed lost in thought for a bit. “So has this mystery man had any success?” I again looked to Isak for support. He had been the one that Reese gave nightly progress reports to.
Isak grabbed the phone from me. “Progress has been slow, but it's looking like there may be some mutual interest.” I thought back to the night after our trip to the lake with Ross. Reese had told us how he was teaching Ross to swim.
“I was holding onto his stomach for a super long time! And every time he swam off of my hands, his bulge would brush against them!” He was giddy with excitement.
Since then, he’d hung out with Ross a few times on their own. It had gone well apparently, but the topic of sexuality hadn’t come up and Reese wasn’t sure if Ross was being flirty back or was just being nice.
“Well if Ross turns out to like girls, can you at least put in a good word for me?” Emma rolled her eyes at us.
“Of course!” I grabbed the phone back. “Please don’t be mad. It just kinda happened and I’ve felt horrible about it for days.”
“Gabriel, I’ll never be mad at you for looking out for your friends.” She paused and put on a fake angry face. “Just don’t forget who your best friend is, okay?”
“Okay, promise.” I was relieved.
After getting off the phone with Emma there was only one thing left that I needed to do. It was time for the talk. I think that Isak could sense it. He kept giving me nervous glances.
I took a deep breath. “Okay so I’ve been thinking.” As soon as I started, Isak looked terrified. “I don’t think that I’m ready to be out at school.” I blurted out.
“Oh.” Isak seemed surprised by my statement. Apparently he’d been thinking I was going to say something else. “Okay, I totally get it.” He placed a hand on my knee and gave it a squeeze. “I thought you were going to say that you were having second thoughts about us or something.”
“Isak! If there is only one thing that I’m sure of in my life, it is that I love you with my whole entire heart and nothing, and I mean NOTHING will ever tear me away from you.” I placed a hand over his and gave it a squeeze.
“Does this mean that you want me to get back into the closet?” He didn’t seem upset, just unsure.
“I’m not sure.” I shifted uncomfortably. “I mean we’re out to my friends and family. So it's not like we’re really in the closet. Just at school maybe?” I felt like an absolute ass. Here I was claiming that he was the best thing that ever happened to me, and yet I’m acting like I was ashamed of him. Fuck.
“That’s fine. It’s not like people are going to ask me if I like guys right after I’m introduced to them anyways.” Isak pointed out. I guess he had a point. He may not even need to deny that he’s gay if it never comes up.. Right?
I leaned in for a kiss. Isak returned it, but it felt half-hearted. I ran a hand up his thigh. “Do you mind if we just watch a movie and snuggle? I’m not really in the mood.”
I nodded and tried not to look like I was upset. Isak had never turned down intimacy before. I know that eventually a night would come where one of us just wasn’t feeling it, but it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that he wasn’t feeling it tonight because I told him that I wanted to stay in the closet. I wanted him to stay in the closet. I didn’t want to admit to people that we were dating.
He put on a movie and slid into bed with me. I draped my arm over him and held onto him. His body was radiating heat. My mind began to race over all the things that he and I had experienced together in the past few weeks. He’d been my first in so many things. First real kiss. First time having sex. First love.
Why was this so hard? Why did I have to choose between upsetting him and being ridiculed at school? It wasn’t fair. The first tear slipped out of my eye. Fuck people. Fuck everyone. Judgmental fucks. Another tear fell. Then another. I managed to stay silent. I didn’t want Isak to see me crying. I had to be strong for him, for us.
Why didn’t he understand? He’d come out back home and everything changed for him. He was miserable after he came out. People treated him differently. Why did he want me to suffer the same fate? He’s supposed to care about me right?
My mind started to spiral out of control. The first sob hit suddenly. Isak turned around with a surprised look on his face. The dam burst and tears erupted out of me. The sobs were uncontrollable. Isak wrapped his arms around me.
“Gabe, what’s wrong?” He caressed my hair and wiped the tears from my face.
“I’m scared.” I managed to get out between sobs.
“Shhhhh.” He tried to calm me down. “We don’t have to tell anyone. I promise I’m not mad.” He assured me.
“You’re not?” The sobs started to subside.
“No, we will wait until you’re ready. There is no rush.” He gave me a kiss.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure. Here switch places with me.” He climbed over me so that he could be big spoon. I liked it when he was big spoon. I felt safe with him behind me.
Sleep evaded me that night. Try as I might, I couldn’t manage to get my brain to quiet down. I had everything I ever wanted laying behind me, but I was too scared to admit it.

All this started almost 9 years ago. One of my friends told me that he and his wife saw her getting into an hotel with another man (his wife tried to convince him to not say anything, because "it was not their business" and got angry when he told me, but he said he couldn't keep being my friend keeping in secret something like that).
I made my moves, hired someone to follow her, and got all the evidence I needed, she was cheating on me. I had all the evidence I needed, even her social media, everything. Only after having everything on my favor, I confronted her.
I told her that I knew everything. She denied it, of course. I show her captures from her chats and texts. She kept saying those werent hers. I showed her lots of stuff, and she denied everything to the point it was ridiculous, all while she claimed that I was an awfull husband for thinking she would do that and not trusting her. I showed her photos of she getting in and out an hotel, and kissing that man, and she started to cry.
She started to say all the classic shit a cheater would say when they're caugth. "Is not like that" "is not my fault" "you dont understand" "it was your fault" "I was lonely" "I never loved him" "you're never at home".
I told her to stop. I didnt wanted to listen to her, she was a liar, a cheater, and I didnt trust her. I told her I wanted her out of my house, that I already talked to a lawyer and we were getting divorced. Then, her tears and begging dissapeared and she started to get mad, saying I had no rigth to do that, asking why Im not figthing to get her back, that she would not accept it, and threated me to take my kids and the house if I wanted the divorce. "Courts are always on women side" she said. I told her that she better start looking for another place.
The following days were hard. She was disgusted for being caugth, and mad because I werent trying to save our marriage. Me, on the other side, told her daily that she must leave, that our marriage was over. That only made her beheavior worst. But the day I completely lost it, was when I heared my daughter crying. I got in that room, to find her on the floor crying, covering half of her face with her hands, and her mother standing next to her, screaming at her that "she was no one to judge or question her" and "I'm your mother, I'm always rigth".
My daughter heard us, and asked her why I wanted the divorce, and she blew up against her and slapped on her face. A full force slap to an 9 years old girl. I lost it. I dont know how furious I must been, or how I looked, but my wife stopped her tantrum, and started to be afraid of me.
I told her that she must leave that nigth, if I came back and she was still there, there would be consecuences. I took my daughter and my son to my parent's house. I took her to the hospital and took photos of her face.
Next day, she was still there, asking me to talk, to be reasonable. I left. I wanted revenge, I wanted blood, I wanted to hurt her way worse the way she hurted my girl. I started by sending all the evidence of the affair to the wife of the other guy. He was a guy with a lot to lost, and that not only gave him a lot of problems, it made it lost friendships and contacts, and started the gossip about them. That afternoon my wife called me, hysterical, asking me "How could I do that" that "I had no rigth to expose them". I told her that it was just the begining, that I had enough of her. I wanted her out of my life, or this would go worst.
The good thing about being married, is that you know all the secrets of your partner, and I used every single one of them to take her down. I kept the house and the kids (hurting or daughter made her look dangerous to be in charge of the kids). After it was over, she moved with her mother. Then I send everything I had to her family.
She was raised by a single mom. Her dad cheated on her mom and abandoned them, so, it's a very delicate subject on the family, and knowing that she was just like him, made her situation worst. Her mother kicked her out of her house, and the brother only let her stay on his place a couple weeks, because "he was disgusted of her". She tried to get help from the guy, but he was on a worst situation that her, so he threw her away like trash.
She ended up moving to a little appartment, started to work to pay the bills, and slowly started to be miserable. Her friends stopped talking her, her family didnt wanted to see her, our children resented her. And thats only the second year of all this.
She tried to date again, just to find guys who used her and left, or took advantage of her. For what I knew, she slowly descended on depresion, and her old food issues returned.
She believed she touched bottom after the third year, so, she joined a church. One of those "rebirth christians" who promised her that all her faults and mistakes would be forgiven and forgotten after she was born again inside their faith. That ended up being another mistake. She found out very late that she was surrounded by some of the most toxic people, who as soon as they knew about her past, started to talk bad and spread rumors about her, took advantage and humilliate her.
She had nothing.
5 years after everything started, she came back, basically begging on her knees to forgive her. She cried how sorry she was, how much she regreted everything, that she had nothing, no family, no friends, nothing, she doesnt remembered being happy since the divorce, and how much she missed me, our family, our marriage, how happy she was with me, with us. She promised me that she would do anything, that she would obey me blindly, she wanted her life back, our family, our kids, and she would do anything to fix the worst mistake she ever done.
I'm aware I'm not a good person. I still resented her, so, I asked to prove it. How I could know she was being honest? She told me she had nothing to offer, except for her obedience, heart and body. I took her to the room and had sex with her. She not only never said no on any moment, her face reflected genuine happiness, and she ended up crying out of happiness after we finished, promising me she would do anything for me, that she would dedícate her life to be the perfect wife.
The following days, I set the rules, and made her sign a contract. She accepted everything. She was serious about doing anything.
To the outside people, we are a couple that, after lots of issues, found the way to have another chance. They look at us and see a lovely couple. She managed to slowly rebuilt her relationship with our children. But the reality, is that she basically became my slave.
Dont get me wrong. I'm not physical abusive, or have her locked, or isolated. We go to events, dinners, movies, vacations, she now have the life she used to have before all this. But she have nothing, and I make sure she never forget that. Nothing is at her name, she doesnt have job or any money, and she agreed on not trying to find a job and dedicate only to the home and the kids.
Her phone doesnt have password, and I have acces to all her social media in any moment, and she always have to show me where she is and what is she doing, on any moment I ask. She doesnt have voice on the important desicions, she cant complaint. And she accept it, because she knows she has nothing else.
Sometimes she asks me to marry again, she wants to be my wife again, but she signed that we would only do that, after our younger son is 25. When she ask me, if all of this is still necessary, I always tell her the same answer, "Yes, bacause I DONT TRUST YOU". Those words are enough to take her down. I've made sure she understands, that even though we live together, and I'm giving her this chance, we're not together. I'm still single, and if I want it, I can start dating on any moment I want. I've even brought women into the house a couple times, to test her limits. She has no choice but to shut up and accept it.
Even so, the moment I touch her, the moment I kiss her, she gives herself completely to me, desperate to feel me close, to feel I love her.
I'm not a good person. I'm sure of that, because I dont regret anything I've been doing. Its been almost 4 yearsvhaving her like this. For a revenge, it should have be over long ago, but I like to own her this way. I learned to enjoy having all this power over her, and she is honestly happy living like this. I cant hate her anymore, but I dont love her, and I'm not sure if I can.
My daughter is now 18, and my son 15, so, I still have 10 years to learn to love her again before marry her. But, if I found after all that time that I cant, I maybe just throw her again, say to the outside people that it just didnt worked, live my life on my own while she try to figure out what she would do. Meanwhile, I will enjoy how she works hard to be "the perfect wife and mother" she still want to be.

All this started almost 9 years ago. One of my friends told me that he and his wife saw her getting into an hotel with another man (his wife tried to convince him to not say anything, because "it was not their business" and got angry when he told me, but he said he couldn't keep being my friend keeping in secret something like that).
I made my moves, hired someone to follow her, and got all the evidence I needed, she was cheating on me. I had all the evidence I needed, even her social media, everything. Only after having everything on my favor, I confronted her.
I told her that I knew everything. She denied it, of course. I show her captures from her chats and texts. She kept saying those werent hers. I showed her lots of stuff, and she denied everything to the point it was ridiculous, all while she claimed that I was an awfull husband for thinking she would do that and not trusting her. I showed her photos of she getting in and out an hotel, and kissing that man, and she started to cry.
She started to say all the classic shit a cheater would say when they're caugth. "Is not like that" "is not my fault" "you dont understand" "it was your fault" "I was lonely" "I never loved him" "you're never at home".
I told her to stop. I didnt wanted to listen to her, she was a liar, a cheater, and I didnt trust her. I told her I wanted her out of my house, that I already talked to a lawyer and we were getting divorced. Then, her tears and begging dissapeared and she started to get mad, saying I had no rigth to do that, asking why Im not figthing to get her back, that she would not accept it, and threated me to take my kids and the house if I wanted the divorce. "Courts are always on women side" she said. I told her that she better start looking for another place.
The following days were hard. She was disgusted for being caugth, and mad because I werent trying to save our marriage. Me, on the other side, told her daily that she must leave, that our marriage was over. That only made her beheavior worst. But the day I completely lost it, was when I heared my daughter crying. I got in that room, to find her on the floor crying, covering half of her face with her hands, and her mother standing next to her, screaming at her that "she was no one to judge or question her" and "I'm your mother, I'm always rigth".
My daughter heard us, and asked her why I wanted the divorce, and she blew up against her and slapped on her face. A full force slap to an 9 years old girl. I lost it. I dont know how furious I must been, or how I looked, but my wife stopped her tantrum, and started to be afraid of me.
I told her that she must leave that nigth, if I came back and she was still there, there would be consecuences. I took my daughter and my son to my parent's house. I took her to the hospital and took photos of her face.
Next day, she was still there, asking me to talk, to be reasonable. I left. I wanted revenge, I wanted blood, I wanted to hurt her way worse the way she hurted my girl. I started by sending all the evidence of the affair to the wife of the other guy. He was a guy with a lot to lost, and that not only gave him a lot of problems, it made it lost friendships and contacts, and started the gossip about them. That afternoon my wife called me, hysterical, asking me "How could I do that" that "I had no rigth to expose them". I told her that it was just the begining, that I had enough of her. I wanted her out of my life, or this would go worst.
The good thing about being married, is that you know all the secrets of your partner, and I used every single one of them to take her down. I kept the house and the kids (hurting or daughter made her look dangerous to be in charge of the kids). After it was over, she moved with her mother. Then I send everything I had to her family.
She was raised by a single mom. Her dad cheated on her mom and abandoned them, so, it's a very delicate subject on the family, and knowing that she was just like him, made her situation worst. Her mother kicked her out of her house, and the brother only let her stay on his place a couple weeks, because "he was disgusted of her". She tried to get help from the guy, but he was on a worst situation that her, so he threw her away like trash.
She ended up moving to a little appartment, started to work to pay the bills, and slowly started to be miserable. Her friends stopped talking her, her family didnt wanted to see her, our children resented her. And thats only the second year of all this.
She tried to date again, just to find guys who used her and left, or took advantage of her. For what I knew, she slowly descended on depresion, and her old food issues returned.
She believed she touched bottom after the third year, so, she joined a church. One of those "rebirth christians" who promised her that all her faults and mistakes would be forgiven and forgotten after she was born again inside their faith. That ended up being another mistake. She found out very late that she was surrounded by some of the most toxic people, who as soon as they knew about her past, started to talk bad and spread rumors about her, took advantage and humilliate her.
She had nothing.
5 years after everything started, she came back, basically begging on her knees to forgive her. She cried how sorry she was, how much she regreted everything, that she had nothing, no family, no friends, nothing, she doesnt remembered being happy since the divorce, and how much she missed me, our family, our marriage, how happy she was with me, with us. She promised me that she would do anything, that she would obey me blindly, she wanted her life back, our family, our kids, and she would do anything to fix the worst mistake she ever done.
I'm aware I'm not a good person. I still resented her, so, I asked to prove it. How I could know she was being honest? She told me she had nothing to offer, except for her obedience, heart and body. I took her to the room and had sex with her. She not only never said no on any moment, her face reflected genuine happiness, and she ended up crying out of happiness after we finished, promising me she would do anything for me, that she would dedícate her life to be the perfect wife.
The following days, I set the rules, and made her sign a contract. She accepted everything. She was serious about doing anything.
To the outside people, we are a couple that, after lots of issues, found the way to have another chance. They look at us and see a lovely couple. She managed to slowly rebuilt her relationship with our children. But the reality, is that she basically became my slave.
Dont get me wrong. I'm not physical abusive, or have her locked, or isolated. We go to events, dinners, movies, vacations, she now have the life she used to have before all this. But she have nothing, and I make sure she never forget that. Nothing is at her name, she doesnt have job or any money, and she agreed on not trying to find a job and dedicate only to the home and the kids.
Her phone doesnt have password, and I have acces to all her social media in any moment, and she always have to show me where she is and what is she doing, on any moment I ask. She doesnt have voice on the important desicions, she cant complaint. And she accept it, because she knows she has nothing else.
Sometimes she asks me to marry again, she wants to be my wife again, but she signed that we would only do that, after our younger son is 25. When she ask me, if all of this is still necessary, I always tell her the same answer, "Yes, bacause I DONT TRUST YOU". Those words are enough to take her down. I've made sure she understands, that even though we live together, and I'm giving her this chance, we're not together. I'm still single, and if I want it, I can start dating on any moment I want. I've even brought women into the house a couple times, to test her limits. She has no choice but to shut up and accept it.
Even so, the moment I touch her, the moment I kiss her, she gives herself completely to me, desperate to feel me close, to feel I love her.
I'm not a good person. I'm sure of that, because I dont regret anything I've been doing. Its been almost 4 yearsvhaving her like this. For a revenge, it should have be over long ago, but I like to own her this way. I learned to enjoy having all this power over her, and she is honestly happy living like this. I cant hate her anymore, but I dont love her, and I'm not sure if I can.
My daughter is now 18, and my son 15, so, I still have 10 years to learn to love her again before marry her. But, if I found after all that time that I cant, I maybe just throw her again, say to the outside people that it just didnt worked, live my life on my own while she try to figure out what she would do. Meanwhile, I will enjoy how she works hard to be "the perfect wife and mother" she still want to be.

20F here. I am getting to the point where I don't know what to do anymore. My husband and I got married one year ago. Ever since we first got together almost four years ago, we have had issues. He comes from a very enmeshed, alcoholic family so I always wrote off his issues as not being his fault. I always thought if I helped him learn, he will eventually get better. This is not the case though and I just feel my life falling apart.
For most of our relationship he has let his family be abusive at worst and disrespectful at best towards me. He would literally watch the abuse/disrespect in front of his face and either not do anything about it or enable it. About six months ago was my breaking point with this and I told him I would leave him if he did not change. Mind you, there were many discussions I had with him before this where I told him I need to see him actually defend me to his mother, father, and brother. Or, at least show some empathy towards me when they say and do hurtful things. Any time I brought it up without the threat of me leaving him, he would basically ignore my concerns. He has gotten better with his family in the past six months. It has been very gradual though, he was still having slip ups as recently as April and is now just completely ignoring his family since he doesn't want to deal with confrontation (which is something I feel guilty for, I wish he was able to talk to them but also demand basic respect for me). He'll also say he's sorry for everything he did to hurt me with his family nowadays, but I can't help but to feel this might not be 100% authentic because of his other actions.
Now we're in the middle of a move, and he is in the military so it is complicated. I have handled 95% of the responsibility for this move. I got our on-base housing arranged, I made all the moving company arrangements, and I have packed all of our belongings. The ONE job he had was to have our move approved by the military for reimbursement. The only reason this was his job is because spouses aren't authorized to speak to this department, otherwise I would have done it myself. He has dragged his feet big time with this. We found out we were moving a month ago, and for the first two weeks of knowing he accomplished nothing while I was working my ass off to have this handled. It took me nagging him to actually get this done. Last week he went in the office, but arrived without paperwork they told him he would need in advance so nothing was accomplished AGAIN. Today he went in again, exactly two weeks from our move-in date. He just today told me the moving reservation I had won't work, so we'll need to figure something else out. I spent today cancelling our reservation with Uhaul and now I get to figure out something else when I should have been packing today! Yay!
I am so stressed out. I am afraid even meeting him was the biggest mistake of my life at this point. I met him at a very vulnerable point in my life which hurts to know, my family was homeless at the time and I come from an abusive situation as well. My problem isn't the moving disaster as much as what his lack of care for me says about our relationship. I don't understand why my husband lets me live in instability and abuse, and is okay with it enough to not to anything to try to make my life less worse unless I nag or threaten to leave. He told me he wanted to marry me to get me out of my abusive home, so I was expecting something much different here. I was expecting him to care about me enough to not let me take on 95% of the moving responsibility, and clearly not even appreciate this sacrifice I'm making. I am happy to take on this responsibility if I am appreciated for it, after all it makes his life easier. I just feel very neglected in this relationship and I have nobody to turn to for help or guidance. We've been to marriage counseling, and the therapist's advice was basically give him some time to see if he changes and reassess the relationship if he doesn't. Well, he's kinda changing (like having better boundaries with his family, kinda) and also not (not taking responsibility for this move). I still feel unimportant to him... but it's hard to leave somebody I have such a history with and care about. I know he's like this since he learned it from his family, but at what point does his actions become his fault?
I've always dreamed of living in a cabin in the woods. I just got a WFH job intended to have since my husband is military. Now, I'm kinda tempted to just take my job with me to go live out in the boonies by myself instead. Thank you for listening to my rant :/
edit: grammar

As stated, I was married to a woman with BPD for 3 years, same ole story on the ending as everyone else. Finally started to try dating again. After a few diff meetups, I met a girl who fell right into the "If it's to good to be true..." category. I cut-things off after to many, what I considered, red flags gave me an uneasy feeling. What do you think? Mind you, this all happened over the course of not even a week. Oh and we're both mid-thirties.
-Met on a dating app, same day and only after a short convo wanted to meet the next day. Not uncommon, if you were blind dating in the 80's, nowadays that's pretty quick. Either way, I think it played a part.
-Oversharing very intimate details of her life as if it were completely normal. This actually caused me to reciprocate and overshare myself. Prying me for vulnerabilities and saying I should "open up". At the same time she stated that she only takes things really slow and that some things about her cant be shared for years...
-Moved out of state a couple years ago, said it was for church but that she was exiled or something and mistreated idk. Moved back and recently "left" a shared apartment because of a "falling-out" toxic situation. Now lives with grandparents, apparently her parents were toxic/abusive/etc. and they don't "vibe" well
-No stable job. Does a little of this and a little of that part time. Dropped out of college.
-Apparently were so similar its uncanny. All of the same interests, ya know.
-Immediately labeled me a narcissist after accidentally phrasing a text as a question, which apparently implied I said something poisonous and needed to immediately apologize and admit I was wrong so she "knows I'm human".
-Been online dating for two years, apparently has met and "talked to" over 100 men, but no-one connects right with her. People just want her because she's smart and pretty apparently?
-Shared how she was sexually/physically/mentally abused all throughout her past. Said she was constantly a victim of manipulation as well.
-First date she was planning trips together talking about how she'd love to meet my parents as well.
-The picture she painted of her future changed like 5 times.
-Lives life by "Going with the flow" and is a self-proclaimed surfer girl. We live in the Midwest.
Editing to add:
I made the mistake of mentioning my ex-wife had diagnosed BPD. It fit right into the context of the convo, but I shouldn't have said anything. She asked me to explain what I meant by "she was diagnosed with bpd", so I gave a quick breakdown and like two examples of the shit she pulled. She responded saying I had triggered her and BPD is a topic she can't discuss. Then why did she ask?

I (26F) have been with my husband (31M) for 2 and a half years (married for 6 months) and I have lived with him and his dad almost our whole relationship. I can see how our relationship and marriage probably seems very rushed but I don't have any issues with my husband himself so I don't really think that's relevant. And I guess I'm only here to rant so it probably doesn't even matter. I think to start I will say we bought our home just over 2 years ago. (I'm not going into the details here because it would make this post massive, but I'm happy to answer any questions in the comments if our timeline or living situation seems odd) My husband is independent and does well for himself. He's just always lived with his dad. They started a business together around 10 years ago, it's not big but it does well. They have no employees, and they work together and share a bank account. I guess it had just always made sense for them to live together since they shared funds that way. When we moved into our new home the plan was always to find a place his dad could live by himself (he will be 66 this year and at the time it didn't seem far fetched. My grandparents are independent well into their 70's after all) But things changed after his dad was hospitalized.
In short, he's never taken care of himself, and believes doctors are idiots. He ignored having high blood pressure for almost 10 years to my horror. He was held in the ICU for over 2 months after having 16 mini strokes and the removal of a brain tumor (1 of 2 tumors supposedly benign but I don't know all the details because it was a lot of information at the time) The doctors also said he has many other issues including early stage dementia.
Since leaving the hospital I've been very stern with him and make sure he's always taking his medicine and going to any doctors appointments that his primary needs him to attend.
It's been a nightmare ever since. I'm not heartless. I know it's not reasonable to make him live alone, I know he'd probably die very quickly.
But he's mean, and very demanding of my husbands attention. He doesn't have a good relationship with any of his other children (I think I was told my husband has 6 siblings but I've only met 1 and they're just not close) who all live very far away, and he has no friends so he exclusively relies on my husband for companionship.
My husband is a kind man and trying to make everyone happy. But if we ever want to go out I get put through the ringer because FIL hates when husband isn't home in the evenings and will yell at and berate him for abandoning him if we're gone for more than a couple of hours. If I have company over he complains that we're pushing him out of the house he lives in. We have to cook him separate meals because he is an extremely picky eater after being in the hospital. He complains endlessly but when solutions to his problems are offered he won't hear it. He smokes a whole pack of cigarettes and drinks half a case of Mountain Dew every day so his health isn't getting better.
I've already brought up retirement communitys with nursing care and check-ins (I think full on assisted living would be too cruel) but my husband won't hear it. He's too afraid of abandoning his dad. But I don't want to live with him. I want to be a young child free adult and live independently. I'm not going to leave my husband over this, he's probably having a worse time than me dealing with this.
I'm so depressed. I'm afraid that I'm just starting to wait for my FIL to die because it's the only way I'll have freedom in my own home
I feel absolutely rotten.

After going back and forth (with myself) for the last couple of weeks, I finally booked my surgery for 3 weeks for today. I'm terrified, but I know I have to do this so I'm practically telling my brain to stfu and just deal with it lol.
And the day before I get my drains out, I have my name change hearing. So much happening in the month of June for me, feels surreal after waiting so long.