Life comes in many flavours, and each day we face many questions. Some of these questions are judgements. And some of these judgements involve others in significant and meaningful ways. On the one hand, we seek to satisfy our personal needs -- self-determination -- while maintaining a sense of virtue -- compassion and justice. For many, there is too much injustice and suffering just to ignore. On the other hand, balancing the needs of us and them beckons honest appraisal of situations and people. But where and how should our finger be pointed?

Core psychology of blame

Among the very earliest struggles in a person's life is the process of ego development. In its simplest, ego is about separating good from bad, self from other. Various theories and models strive to explain the ego, or its development, from various perspectives. For the purposes here, I will be referencing object relations theory, which is part psychoanalytic psychology and deals with very early development, starting at birth. A few things will be slightly simplified to keep the text concise.
Within this theory, the first several months involve what is termed the paranoid-schizoid position. The "schizoid" aspect refers to a cognitive-emotional process known as splitting. This is where external objects, including people, are split into opposing mental parts -- to form part objects, or the "good object" version and the "bad object" version of each meaningful external object or phenomenon. For example, when the caregiver is gratifying to the infant, that part object is the "good caretaker"; and when not so gratifying, that caretaker is the "bad caretaker". At this stage of development and understanding, these two "part objects" are not seen as from the same source. Rather, each is a separate thing appearing and disappearing as circumstances and feelings change. The key word here is separation, which we will come back to later.
The other aspect of the paranoid-schizoid position -- the "paranoid" aspect -- refers to a curious side effect of splitting everything into "good" and "bad". Because each "part object" is either all good, or all bad, and because the appearance and disappearance of these mysterious entities is more-or-less out of control, the infant begins to resent and fear the bad objects that keep happening. That is, the baby hates the bad objects but loves the good objects. This is perhaps the very first stage of moral awareness -- raw, albeit mistaken judgement; love the good; hate the bad; pure, uninhibited attraction and repulsion. As a result, or side effect, of these negative or aggressive feelings toward "the bad", the baby may fear possible persecution, invoking paranoia. Strange though that may sound, there is a bit more to it.
Splitting, as between the mentioned "good" and "bad" objects, is only half the story. The other half of splitting is between "good self" and "bad self". That is, because in the paranoid-schizoid position, objects are temporary and impermanent, so too is the self temporary and fleeting. Moreover, the self is either in comfort, or in distress, giving either "good self" or "bad self" -- depending on circumstance. Since the "good self" appears with the "good object", and likewise the "bad self" with the "bad object", the child fears the appearance of the "bad object" even more. This is because its presence entails essentially collapse of the previous self-concept, as if to enter a realm of deserved persecution for being the "bad self" -- and hence the emergence of paranoia.
On an interesting aside, this manner of judging objects and selves as good or bad based solely on whether one is currently in comfort or pain is the essence of Stage 1 in Lawrence Kohlberg's stages of moral development. This is a theory on the progression of individuals throughout life in moral reasoning. Stage 1, termed obedience and punishment orientation, judges those in trouble or pain as inherently bad. In many cases, this view basically blames the victim. Further, this type of reasoning is essentially the basis for the "might makes right" mindset seen in some cases of antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). One thing to keep in mind is that we all start there, but not everyone stays there. In this way, having crude moral reasoning later in life is effectively a sign of delayed or regressed development, much like a disability -- ie. "morally disabled".

Completing the person

Eventually, the child will reach a point in development where objects become whole and persistent, able to have simultaneously negative and positive qualities. Objects or people may take on accounts, or balances, allowing for consideration of simple reciprocity, including guilt and reparation. Self and caregiver become distinct entities, where "good" self is no longer lost each time caregiver is absent or busy. Assuming successful progression, blame and judgement is no longer split dichotically between two extremes. Otherwise a new type of splitting is come, where objects and entities, though whole and persistent, are either idealised or devalued.
An important key trend exists between consecutive steps of ego development. This is the trend of expanding persistence and relatedness. In the part-object stage, objects appear and vanish -- some good, some bad. These raw appearances are neither persistent, nor related. In the whole-object stage, objects become persistent, although at first not really related. Because of this initial lack of relation, the secondary type of splitting -- idealisation and devaluation -- is still likely. Basically, since one person or object is fundamentally unrelated to another, including the self, there is "no harm" in seeing one as all good, and another as all bad. Without a stabilising relation, moral judgements can be whimsical yet extreme. A person or object may alternate between being embraced and discarded, depending on present feelings or arrangements. But what makes a stabilising relation?
In general, stabilising relations develop naturally through observation and reason. For example, a caregiver may through time be taken as an intrinsic part of one's need for support. Or a sibling may eventually be seen as fundamentally similar and related. But the building of these relations, or attachments, can be hindered by certain experiences or feelings. For instance, an unstable or unavailable caregiver may leave a child feeling resentment, shame, or guilt. These feelings may then get in the way of building an emotional bond. The resulting lack of security, mixed with possible shame or guilt for not being good enough, may lead to maladaptive and unstable boundaries and self-definition. Some common results are narcissism and borderline personality -- the former as an escape mechanism from feelings of inadequacy, and the latter as unstable border-lines between what is embraced, and what is rejected. These early childhood misgivings can then live on subconsciously, infiltrating the psyche and its future engagements.

Competition and judgement

While the capacity for blame and hate may emerge, as described above, from fundamental urges of attraction and repulsion -- mixed with innate capacity for making inference -- there is another powerful instinct at play. Complex social animals have a built-in game of gene-selection and mate-selection. This game relies on a simple heuristic, or objective -- form competitive hierarchies, and select those at the top. The evolutionary assumption is that competition filters out less desirable code. Without reflection, this pre-configured notion may be taken at face value, often in fact elevated -- whether spoken or kept silent -- to something of religious adherence. But is the argument sound?
In simple times, back in the tribe, individuals tended to grow up closely-knit and fairly uniformly. Regardless which parents one had, pretty much everyone had access to the same quality of food, healthcare, and education. Tools and other amenities could readily be made or obtained by any abled body, often with only modest effort. As a result, there was, compared to modern times, an extremely even playing field. Very little interfered with the above premise that those who achieved success in social hierarchy likely had something special inside. Sure, luck still played a part, but that part was not only far less significant than today, but also far more visible for those of simple tribes. In probably most cases, everybody knew when someone had encountered bad fortune, as individual stories were less hidden.
In the current age, however, personal merit is vastly more obscured and mangled by deceptive forces. The range of disparity in childhood resources and care, the long duration of schooling needed to be competitive, and the sheer price of admission into money-making pursuits, completely destroy any legitimacy the heuristic of selection by social hierarchy may previously have had. Luck may have played a part back then, but today the part played by the lottery of placement into a particular family, time, and place is riddled with inequity. On top of all that, the behaviours and exploits that set one person atop the next are lost from sight through the complex labyrinth of time, legalese, and the unfathomable size of modern society. Hence, the basis of soundness behind judging merit on personal outcome is no longer something that can be supported with any honesty. To praise or blame based on social status and wealth is to partake in folly.

Entity and arrangement defined

Entities are mental objects, and their social accounts, pertaining to people, groups, aggregates, and other moral agents. I say mental objects for two basic reasons. One, individuals and groups change through time. As the saying goes:

"A person never steps into the same river twice; for on the second occasion, one is neither the same person, nor is it the same river" (paraphrased) ~ Heraclitus of Ephesus.

Two, while we may posit that physical substance seems to exist out there, beyond the mind, we nevertheless must work within our mental model, or worldview, when considering those entities and other things of material or mental reality. Hence, entities and objects can be cognised, or considered, solely as mental objects. This phenomenon of the mental becomes even more apparent when we consider the nature of not only being, but identity, character, and personal story. None of these, from what I can tell, can rightly be said to exist outside the mind. Each has arbitrary, situation-specific, and continually shifting boundaries and connotations.
Arrangements, in contrast, are sets of objects; entities; their relative positions; their internal configurations; and their relations and interactions. Arrangements are hence the frameworks in place either materially or logically between and within entities and or objects. Common examples include law, culture, contract, education, and social hierarchy -- but also the physical placement of people and things.
Not surprisingly, the arrangements in place have substantial influence on the outcomes for individuals and society. The same person lowered into two different cultures and circumstances can be expected to have a different time. Education, ideas, values, struggles, and relationships may all be completely changed. The combinations of butterfly effect, disparity of opportunity, and idiosyncratic accident leave open the door for a wide variety of possibility.

Splitting and blaming the entity

Before talking about what to blame, or how to blame it, we might consider some phenomena which may influence one's ability to make sound judgement. As discussed previously, early development can play a big part in both the way one perceives and understands the world, and also the way one feels about, and hence reacts to, situations and challenges within the world. So let us look at some such phenomena.
Splitting, in the post-infancy sense, is the viewing of mental objects -- including and especially people -- as either idealised all good, or devalued all bad. The primary hypothesis goes something along the lines that a child who felt insufficiently loved or attended during infancy and early childhood may develop an internalised sense of unworthiness -- perhaps shame or guilt. In simple terms, the child may internalise a judgement of "not good enough". Since early, particularly pre-linguistic experiences tend to be deeply-seated and hard-conditioned, the person later in life may not only have little if any recall of such experience, but likely has little ability to reflect or challenge the resulting feelings or cognitive distortions. Basically, the only remnant clearly visible may be the feelings and intuitions themselves -- sense of shame, guilt, and never being good enough. However, as with other inescapable negative feelings, the child or later person is prone to forming habits of escape. Most notably here, the person may partake in defence mechanisms, or unconscious patterns of perception and thinking that seek to turn off or escape uncomfortable or stressful cognitions.
Projection is among the most used defence mechanisms. It involves taking an unwanted feeling or judgement, and throwing it upon someone or something else. The idea is to distance oneself from such negative connotations. In the case of internalised shame or guilt of being "not good enough" during childhood, the person is likely to begin casting this judgement upon others. Unreasonable or unattainable standards may be adopted. The world itself may be viewed as inherently broken or untenable. In the case of splitting specifically, black-or-white, all-or-none thinking may be employed to polarise objects or people -- including oneself -- into all good or all bad -- idealisation or devaluation. This type of projection sorts others into something of angels and demons. Furthermore, as in borderline personality disorder, these dichotic judgements may switch regularly depending on current affairs. The key thing to remember here is that projection is done to escape unfaceable feelings or judgements about oneself. Use of this defence mechanism may shift blame from self to another, often in a way that is difficult or impossible for the user to see.
More broadly, splitting belongs to a class of phenomena known as cognitive distortions. In addition to all-or-none thinking, cognitive distortions include overgeneralising, disqualifying the positive, jumping to conclusions, exaggeration, perfectionism, personalisation, always being right, and labelling of others. Obviously these all have significant implications for how one judges others, and indeed how one places blame. For the discussion here, let us talk about one more of these.
Personalisation is when a person takes the blame personally, regardless what external factors may be at play. This style of attribution is inherently self-deprecatory. Alternatively, blame may be placed entirely on another person or group. The distortion here is not that blame is occurring, but that the object is always a conventional moral agent, such as a human or AI. Essentially, an individual with this style of attribution may have an irrational tendency to place blame on agents, rather than circumstances. The trick is understanding why this happens.
As it turns out, the psychology behind placing blame disproportionately on people and other agents, rather than arrangements, is driven by the instinct of social hierarchy. Like brought up earlier, people have a tendency to compare and compete, judging one another into hierarchies of better and worse -- more or less worthy. The more insecure a person feels, or the more internalised shame or sense of inadequacy one has, the more the person may be compelled to cast blame on others. Put simply, insecurity activates the instinct of social hierarchy.
There are some noteworthy side effects to the habit of blaming the agent. One is scapegoating, or the projection of a group's fears and insecurities onto an external object. In scapegoating, the object chosen is often little, if at all, related to the underlying problem or dysfunction. Rather, the group seeks to unload its insecurity onto an unlucky target. This behaviour is much like that done in narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). One might say that groups too, not just people, can have NPD. One common target of scapegoating is minorities, of pretty much any type, who are often blamed for internal inadequacies of the majority regime. Another side effect of blaming the agent is kicking the dog, or chain reactions of blame shifting where each rung of the social hierarchy blames the next rung, all the way to the dog. Similar to scapegoating, kicking the dog picks a target generally unable to defend itself. This style of attribution, moreover, is contagious within organisations, hindering legitimate consideration of how the true underlying issues can best be resolved.

False object of blame

A curious distortion of interest is blindly taking the mental as fact. In the extreme, there is a phenomenon known as psychic equivalence. This is common in children, where the imagined monster under the bed is believed surely to exist. The line between mental and external is still thin. While most older individuals are beyond such explicit equivalence, we nevertheless have no other option for understanding reality than what our mind beholds. Whether for positive or negative, when we see or imagine someone, we are never seeing the real person. What we witness is our mental model, or mental object, of the other. The same goes for their view of us. When they behold us, they are really beholding someone else -- a construct of their imagination. Likewise, when we judge or blame another, we are really blaming someone else -- a monster of our own creation. Sometimes it can help to remember that in our mental, we are all mental.

Another defence mechanism

Aside from cognitive distortions, another key issue stands in the way of finding truth. In order to resolve deeply-seated emotional baggage, that baggage has to be opened. Yet doing so can be both painful and confusing. The mind has another trick up its sleeve to avoid facing the rain -- intellectualisation. Many have heard of rationalisation, or the making up of good-sounding stories to explain otherwise irrational or emotion-based actions and choices. Intellectualisation is related, but distinct. Instead of making up stories to seem more rational, intellectualisation makes up complex frameworks and red herrings to distract oneself and others from getting too close to the underlying feeling. Just like for splitting, the usual root cause is believed to be insecure attachment during infancy and early childhood. The result, especially later in life, is the excessive overreliance on logic and complex frameworks to avoid looking inside toward emotion. Reason becomes a comfortable hideout from hideous feeling. This disposition prevents proper reflection, making it hard or impossible to stop idealising and devaluing others. After all, one cannot stop spilling pain until one finds the source of that pain.

Relation to free will

The notion of free will comes in many definitions. These can get technical. But one fairly common theme is what they seek to support -- often some type of personal, or entity-centric, responsibility or blame. Regardless whether logically sound, the pursuit is in many cases a rationalisation of the instinctual and emotional urges of social hierarchy and ego defence. Essentially, many debates about free will are really struggles, or disagreements, on the nature of blame, and to where it should aim. In general, the belief in free will -- regardless the definition chosen -- is argued in support of some type of entity attribution. Likewise, the disbelief in free will is usually argued in support of system attribution, or blaming the way society or culture is structured. A person may choose a definition specifically to assert the desired end -- a psychological phenomenon called motivated reasoning. This text will avoid choosing a definition, as the underlying principles of behaviour are more important.
A less known paradox exists within the bounds of psychological agency. As is regularly discussed in certain circles of spirituality, there exists a spectrum of self-boundary between immediate, local, relative and timeless, non-local, absolute. This mental state of contraction or expansion depends in part on the grasping or release of fear and attachment. For those unfamiliar, the felt sense of personal agency -- sometimes called doership -- and one's associated beliefs about personal causation, are prone to change, or shift, depending on the present level of anxiety -- especially social and existential anxiety. There are two key aspects related to the sense of being in control.
The first aspect of interest is that of causal scope, or how far we trace the causes and influences behind any given event or decision. For example, as I type this, among the most immediate, or smallest causal scopes, is that of my finger pressing a key. Moving toward greater scope, we may consider that the arm is moving the finger. Further, of course, one might say the body is doing the typing. But the scope need not end there. We can trace back through the causal chains, finding all manner of influence. After all, why do I care about this? What social factors and life experiences influenced this cause? The more immediate the causal scope, the longer and more encumbered the causal chains. Hence, even though when afraid we may focus on the more immediate, hence feeling more in direct control, the more our felt boundaries of self and causality contract, the more short-sighted, distracted, and materially-bound we are. The paradox is in the inverted pyramid of influence atop our actions.
The second aspect relates to impulse and desire versus self-control and composure. Human desire may be divided broadly into basic animal instinct and social image. In Freudian terms, these would be id and ego. The former is often viewed as impulsive or animalistic; the latter as controlled and composed. A meaningful portion of pro-free will arguments seems to equate or compare the composure and planning of socially-conscious actions and choices as representative of the essence of "free will". That is, more "controlled" or deliberate actions were exercising greater free will than their more impulsive or animalistic counterparts. But is this assessment sensible?
On the one hand, being more socially aware likely helps to prevent being manipulated or impeded by others. Most would probably agree thus far. But on the other hand, the more we care about fitting in, or otherwise playing the game of social hierarchy, the more we submit ourselves to social norms and other hive behaviours. Essentially, the more we care about image, the more we let society control us. Despite this emotional tether, those with the biggest egos often proclaim the greatest sense of self-determination. Certainly one could argue that being on top of the hierarchy usually entails greater access to social amenities, some of which offering greater freedom. But there may be some right reservations here. Firstly, the enhanced freedom of high status often comes with enhanced fitment and scrutiny into the externally-defined social mould. This is not always the case, as for example with dictators. But secondly, the vast majority of those playing the ego game are neither in positions of status and power, nor emotionally secure enough to go their own way toward personal happiness. Perhaps most prominently, for most social animals, the hive provides only minimal amenity, and maximal loss of autonomy. Yet the internalised ego and self-concept obscure this reality by making cultural, emotional artifacts of socialisation -- especially during childhood -- appear as self-chosen. The person is thus a product of upbringing, but because these aspects of conditioning are so deep and unconscious, their effects are simply taken for granted as part of who one is. Hence, a second paradox exists in that what may appear as evidence for free will -- ego and composure -- is in fact the very thing enacting the long-seated will of the hive.
On a different note of the free will debate, there seems to be a phenomenon somewhat like "free will of the gaps", where any unknown of psychology or physics is received wholeheartedly as evidence for freedom. While no doubt one may never really know, particularly when stuck in the subjective mind-box, one might consider the effect of splitting, or black-and-white thinking. This habit may, without enough reflection, colour one's assessment of personal agency as either wholly existing, or wholly absent. This is not to say undue burden and other explicit interference is unregarded, but more that even the mere existence of randomness or unpredictability may be taken as sufficient reason to ward off the behavioural influences and effects known by modern psychology. Remember that splitting is driven by egoic insecurity, and that ego has vested interest in building the narrative which best places oneself in the social hierarchy of the mind. Impulsive or controlled, what we choose is there to satisfy instinct, whether animalistic, or socially-focused.

Blaming the arrangement

On the other side of inferred causation -- after instinct -- we have experience, conditioning, and circumstance. Experience and conditioning are carry-overs from past arrangement while circumstance reflects the present arrangement. For simplicity, I will place all three simply under arrangement. To borrow from earlier:

Arrangements ... are sets of objects; entities; their relative positions; their internal configurations; and their relations and interactions. Arrangements are hence the frameworks in place either materially or logically between and within entities and or objects. Common examples include law, culture, contract, education, and social hierarchy -- but also the physical placement of people and things.

With this definition in mind, what then does it mean to blame the arrangement, and what benefit does so doing provide?
First, let us consider the standard Western approach. When we blame the entity, we are accomplishing three fundamental ends:

1. declaring a point of causal significance;
2. downgrading social status;
3. offloading correction;

On the first point, blaming the entity cuts off past influences, including deficiencies and inequalities in access to essential resources like health, respect, education, and experience. One might wonder why respect is included here. But remember the types of issue that arise from internalised shame, guilt, and feelings of inadequacy. These live on subconsciously, causing non-obvious impairments in judgement and performance. Plus they harm health and performance through elevated stress hormones.
On the second point, blaming the entity lowers its public appraisal, thus cutting off access to the types of resources just mentioned.
On the third point, blaming the entity places the burden of correction squarely on the already broken component. For simple matters like enforcing social norms or decency, this type of blame is probably effective in most cases. But when we start looking at bigger matters, like health, education, intelligence, self-restraint, and general performance, the idea of forcing the suboptimal party to fix itself starts to break down. All these matters are heavily influenced by external circumstance through time. So telling the person to fix the resulting dysfunction is like telling them to rewrite their past environment, including their upbringing. Moreover, those from broken pasts are much more often the least supplied -- in both resource and knowhow -- to make things better.
And this brings us to blaming the arrangement. If instead of burdening and downgrading the unfortunate entity, we recognise the conditions of success and failure, we can apply legitimate effort toward enacting a better future. Obviously society as a whole is far better equipped to improve not only the outcome of tomorrow, but the conditions of today. Some of us, by chance, receive the winning hand. This may be in genetics, family configuration, area of schooling, or maybe just missing detrimental accidents and injuries. What sense does it make to hoard the helpings of fate, thus preventing the wealth of shared development and growth? In a world literally brimming with technological advancement, is it really better for the majority to live polarised as minority winners and majority losers?

Arguments

One might argue that blame and praise are natural and effective tools for motivation and modification of behaviour. Natural though they may be, these tools are premised on the limited knowledge and resources of tribal past. Like using a hammer to insert a screw, messy tools ought to be reserved for desperate times only. Modern medicine, psychology, and sociology offer a new toolbox, today readily available, for resolving problems with minimal collateral damage. True, not everyone has fair access to these modern amenities, and that is exactly why we need to stop blaming the victim. The technology is here. We simply need to open the gates.
Another common argument is that absent of pointing fingers, people would lose motivation, or stop caring. There may be some truth here. If we remove the whip from their backs, the slaves may begin to relax. But is that really a bad thing? Per-capita material output is already worlds higher due to automation and tooling. But artificial scarcity is brought in to "keep up the morale". This scarcity is largely in the form of wealth and income inequality, which ensure the true producers of wealth -- the workers -- are kept chasing their imagined carrot. The effect, in practice, is burnout and learned helplessness. The secondary effect is thus decreased performance, which is then "solved" with ever greater artificial scarcity, perpetuating the cycle of lies and suffering. Instead of entertaining a system of slavery with extra steps, why not more equally distribute the tools and technology of efficiency and success?
A darker argument that occasionally gets said out loud is that excessive competition and suffering help to weed out the less desirable traits. Often, it is proclaimed, nature wanted it that way. Ignoring the obvious lack of compassion, is this argument sound? The simple answer is no. The longer answer is not even a little. There are two main reasons. Firstly, the dirty game of filtering by social hierarchy was not only sloppy for its original environment of small tribes, but is completely unfit for modern, complex, abstract society. As explained previously, the legitimacy of individual merit is no longer known by fellow tribespeople. Wealth generation and extraction are too far removed and abstracted for proper outside judgement. And complex systems of power and propaganda further prevent equitable distribution of the fruits of labour. Secondly, the amount of time needed for such mechanisms of trait filtering to make an appreciable difference are substantially longer than the time from now before technology will allow superior selection of traits. There will be no need to compete in the sloppy ways of the past; nor any need to compete at all. The problem of selection is soon resolved. AI is entering the exponential phase. Petty and primitive worry about traits is irrelevant, for multiple reasons. If anything, those unable to understand this are unfit to be making policy decisions.
An argument which comes up enough to mention is that without blaming the entity, criminals would have free reign, able to do whatever they wanted without repercussions. This argument is missing something quite substantial about what is entailed by blaming the arrangement. Simply, if a certain person is believed to lack the self-control for certain situations or positions, that person will be kept away from those circumstances. A common example is driver's licensing, where one must earn the privilege by proving competence. And similarly to that, if someone is blatantly acting out and causing trouble, obviously they would be put somewhere safer. The key is rearranging circumstances as needed for best outcome while maintaining reasonable maximum personal autonomy -- without unnecessary harm, restraint, or loss of dignity. Yes, this is more involved in terms of resources and labour, but that is what technology is for. Naturally people prefer to have more privilege, and that alone is motivation enough to care.
And before someone accuses this approach of being or supporting a social credit system, we must make clear the difference. In social credit systems, blame is placed on the individual ! Sure, the factors used may involve family and acquaintance, but the burden of correction still goes to the person or small group. This is completely different from what is being proposed here.
A final argument relates to expense. On the surface -- especially from within the perspective of a system based on artificial scarcity and excessive wealth inequality -- the idea of having surplus means available for long-term planning may seem unfathomable. People's reluctance in this regard can be understood. But as mentioned above, we are presently, for presumably the first time in our recorded history, entering the age of exponential growth toward advanced artificial intelligence. Things are moving fast already, and both hardware and software are showing no slowing. If computational capacity continues to double regularly like it has for a long time now, we are probably looking at readily accessible post-human intelligence within five to ten years. Short of disaster or tyrannical interference, existing worries about labour and intellect shortage should soon evaporate. Yes, this time things are different. There is no known precedent.

Summary

Our natural instinct may tell us to blame the person. And Western culture may polarise this tendency to the extreme. But with a little understanding of why we feel the need to downsize others, we may be able to mend the splitting within us. Society may be designed around a game of hierarchy, but one need not partake. By knowing the factors that promote or inhibit wellbeing, and by using the knowledge and tools of modern, we can cast off the shallow assumptions behind us, to build something worth keeping. The first step is looking inside, to see the feeling that fears connection. Then we may look outside, to see that most are facing similar struggle. Situations are what make or break the person. If one should blame, blame the arrangement. The past may not be one for changing, but greater compassion today can find greater love tomorrow.

TLDR: CT says our sex isn't a problem. I'm not sure LLF was transparent in individual session. Looking for feedback because I'm going crazy over here. Need a reality check either way.

LLF 41 and I (HLM/LL4U? 42) have seen our AASECT couples therapist about 4 or 5 times now. Only 1 or 2 sessions post-intake. We did one in-take session together and then each had an individual in-take session. We haven't talked in detail about what came up in our individual in-takes yet; I plan to bring it up this weekend.
LLF was sick this week so I went for a solo session. CT (and others here in HLC) has stated previously that we do not have a sex problem, we have a relationship problem.
In solo session I said "ok, I 1,000% agree we have a relationship problem. But I'm concerned we're going to do all this work and even be in a much better 'relationship place' in say a year from now and still be looking at an underlying sexual problem." In not so many words: is it possible it's both?
CT says "no, the sexual problems are a symptom. If that were to happen, then we'd so 'ok, you're both in a better place and there's still a sexual gap. Let's look at ways to address that.' But we're not there yet. We have to do this other work first."
I don't know. It felt pretty deflating. Because I absolutely agree we need to do the relationship work and I also know LLF has sex issues that were present long before she met me. So how the actual fuck are those now transformed into relationship issues? Does it make sense why I'm confused, or am I just way off base here?
The CT's response put me in a funk. I know LLF doesn't think there's much of a sexual problem, and so I want to bring the list below into the discussion at our next session. Taken in totality, I look at this list below and think "isn't the majority of this due to some sort of sexual aversion on LLF's part? If not, how is all of this pinned on the relationship?"
I'm on mobile so excuse the crap formatting.
I have a spouse who:
Did not want me to look at her body on our wedding night
Was hot and heavy with the petting and making out when we were dating but that did not translate to hot and heavy sex once we were married (we were products of purity culture and indoctrinated to wait until marriage. Total bullshit.)
In first few years of marriage, consistently rebuffed my advances. To the point I stopped trying. Often we would be on the couch watching TV. When discussing this recently, she said "sex is important but TV is also important."
In our first several years of marriage told me that many sexual positions I wanted to try were demeaning (e.g. doggy style)
Tells me she does not have sexual fantasies
Tells me she's satisfied with everything that's happening in the bedroom and rarely if ever has suggestions for new things to do in the bedroom
Until the last two years had only masturbated once or twice
Does not think about sex until it's been about two weeks since last time
Would consistently say "let's have sex tonight (or tomorrow or whenever)" and then completely forget about it
Would say "please don't make eye contact with me when I'm performing fellatio"
Views sex as a checklist or functional activity (her words)
When we scheduled sex dates on the calendar, would not allow for make up opportunities if a date was missed because "it's not Tuesday." And forget about having sex two days in a row.
Has no desire to cuddle after sex
Does not enjoy receiving oral sex
Did not buy a vibrator until I suggested it
Says she is game for just about anything but does not have suggestions for what that might entail.
Does not understand why it is frustrating for me to platonically watch a show with sex scene if it's been a while since we had sex
Will go weeks without talking about sex and then upon finding out I don't want sex b/c I just masturbated will tell me "save some of that for me next time."
Instinctively pulls away from my hand whenever I reach for her body during foreplay, especially breasts, vulva, or butt. This happens regardless of who initiates.
Takes all of the above into consideration (or perhaps doesn't?) and says "I'm sex positive!"
HLC, please give me guidance. Slap me upside the head if that's what I need. Because I'm losing my mind over here.

I was forced to go onto FODMAP diet, because I was having the worst IBS. After learning about IBS, I found that most people who are overweight, actually have severe IBS. I truly suggest looking into it. I also went vegan and questioning if the meat is what causes weight gain. I am all in vegan/fodmap now and I feel so much better. I have also found ways to make sure I am doing it in a healthy way. There is also something that happens to the body when letting go of sugar. I don't mean carbs. I'm not on keto and it's probably more dangerous than what is given credit. My entire biome in my belly changed as I slowly decreased sugar. Sugar addiction and toxicity is real. It's truly killing us. If I exercise and I feel hungry, I increase the weight resistance in my exercise and work harder, then I actually feel better and less hungry. Although, it's important to get enough when you're exercising.
As a way of staying motivated I watch CrossFit documentaries and there are some documentaries about going vegan.

I am an aphant, and I'm struggling in the evenings. Typically it would be called something like the Sunday Scaries I'm experiencing. However, it is every evening now.
To my knowledge, I do not dream at all. I'm feeling a physical, visceral reaction to going to bed. There is an overwhelming anxiety to it that is almost paralyzing. It has been happening for a while, but now I'm ready to mention it to yall.
Once I get to bed, I fall asleep, no problem. It is getting there. It's terrifying. For some reason, my body refuses to go. I have anxiety, but this doesn't feel like anxiety. It feels like something else, a sense of dread or fear, not depression/anxiety.
Me- Aphant, inner monologue only, zero visual abilities, fact-based recall exclusively.
What I've tried: cut caffeine out, eat a proper supper, and have recent blood work done. Breathing exercises etc. I'm doing the things I can think of to help. But I can't shake it. Everyone's knee-jerk is to visualize me somewhere else, and well..... I can't.
Any feedback would be incredibly appreciated!

aaaaahdhdhhfhrhfjrjrjththfhfhfndkso4hrnxnsnnd fuck America its done nothing but rob my life and force me to rape the rest of the world with the sweat off my back
you cant live without working. so when you work they break your body mind and time down and tax the sweat your produce to ensure capitalists on top get the majority while im left with the crumbs of my own labor.
go get a real job. fucking where who? nobody does in person interviews around bum fuck America. what real job pays enough to afford rent? who do I avoid living under a bridge when I do t fucking care about making over 12$ an hour.
there is no value to my life until I make money and prove my value to the racist transphobic ignorant war machine that self justifying under the pretext of world safety and "good Christian values"
fuck Christians yell are dense. what all benevolent, omnipotent, all seeing being that made everything would allow hell to be made and then cast his own creation into it knowing they would never believe in him. he litteraly made people have sex so that a child would learn to not worship him so that they would go to hell. that's not all benevolent. fuck religion it makes no sense and your density is your own fault.
fuck urudj4[email protected] x ffbb

​
https://reddit.com/link/11y90cf/video/bfjagq08d8pa1/player
​
The quinary American economic sector industries include federal government, state and local government, and management of companies and enterprises.
​
A key goal in advancing AI and robotics is doubling America's quinary economic sector output by adding AI and robots to the quinary American economic sector.
A key goal in advancing AI, robotics, human longevity biotech, and nuclear-fusion powered outer space tech is sextupling America's quinary economic sector output by adding AI, robots, human longevity biotech, and nuclear-fusion powered outer space tech to the quinary American economic sector on Earth and in outer space.
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In my view, America will produce vastly more quantities and varieties of government and management products on Earth and in outer space, via the advances in AI, robotics, human longevity biotech, and nuclear-fusion powered outer space tech.
AI and robots must be pervasively used in America, in government and management products production and provision, on Earth and in outer space.
The American quinary economic sector must be robotized, in which human and AI robot workers work together to vastly increase America's government and management products production and provision on Earth and in outer space.
America should have the next level of government and management products production and provision abundance on Earth and in outer space, via the advances in AI, robotics, human longevity biotech, and nuclear-fusion powered outer space tech.
In the American government and management products production and provision, on Earth and in outer space, AI, robotics, biotech, and nuclear-fusion powered outer space tech must be used to the uttermost extremes.
​
You can invest in my startup company with as little as US$100, for supporting advancing AI, robotics, biotech, and nuclear-fusion powered outer space tech. Visit https://Robocentric.com/Investors to invest in my startup.
My transhumanism books are available at https://Robocentric.com/Checkout/, Amazon, Apple Books, Spotify, and other audiobook outlets.
My contact info is at https://Robocentric.com/Contact. Contact me if you want to discuss investing in Robocentric.

Happy to provide pics of anything you might be interested in.. Most of this stuff I would like to move ASAP. If you would like to buy see my GameSale post!
If you are local to the Sacramento area I might be willing to do a local meetup. Cash/Paypal also acceptable on either side to help even out a trade.
Thanks for looking! Happy trading!
[HAVE]
**PLAYSTATION**
PS1 Games:

• Legacy of Kain Collectors Edition Triple Pack **SEALED** Hard to value.. I don't see this very often at all.. There is one other one on eBay right now for $369 in similar condition.. This one does have some minor wear to the corners/seal as seen in the pics.. I would really like a big item from my list for this..
• DarkStalkers 3 - CIB Minor staining
• GranStream Saga - CIB

**PLAYSTATION 2**
Strategy Guides:

• Final Fantasy X and X2 Brady Games Strategy Guides

PS2 Hardware:

• Black, Silver and Translucent Blue Dual Shock 2 controllers
• OEM A/V cable set

PS2 Games: All CIB

• Guitar Hero II
• Guitar Hero Guitar Hero Encore Rocks the 80's
• Myst III Exile
• 24 The Game
• Wheel of Fortune

**PLAYSTATION 3**
PS3 Hardware:

• Six Axis Controller

PS3 Games: All CIB/Boxed.

• Ace Combat Assault Horizon
• BlazBlue Continuum Shift Extend Limited Edition Big Box - CIB - Includes Soundtrack, Art Book, and Calendar. Box has heavy wear. Everything else is pretty minty. Game case has some minor shelf wear.
• Dark Souls II
• Diablo III
• Yakuza Dead Souls - *HARD TRADE*

**PLAYSTATION 4**
PS4 Hardware:

• 500 Million Dual Shock 4 Controller. Has crack in center but otherwise pretty minty.

PS4 Games: (CIB/Boxed)

• 7 Days to Die
• Call Of Duty Infinite Warfare
• Dead Cells [Action Game of the Year] Edition
• Dragon Quest XI: Echoes of an Elusive Age
• Evolve
• Final Fantasy XV Deluxe Steelbook Edition book with Slipcover
• Kingdom Hearts HD 2.8 case/art has tear in spine
• Middle Earth Shadow of War
• Nascar Heat 3
• Overwatch Origins
• Persona 5
• Resident Evil Village Deluxe Edition

**PLAYSTATION 5**
PS5 Games:

• Babylon's Fall - Sealed
• Death Stranding - Sealed

**PSPortables**
PSP Hardware:

• PSP 1000 console - Body and screen are pretty scratched up, includes a rubber cover and I can include a white replacement shell... Charge port can be touchy sometimes so it also includes a replacement port. No charger though.. (Aftermarket ones have gotten pretty cheap) - Pending
• PSP 3000 Box and tray only. Box has moderate to heavy wear with some creasing.

PSP Games

• Tekken 6 - CIB

Vita games:

• Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2 plus - Loose
• Wipeout 2048 - Loose

**Xbox**
OG XBox Games: (CIB unless noted)

• Blowout
• Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
• Indiana Jones and The Emperors Tomb
• Pac Man World 2 - PH
• Return To Castle Wolfenstein Tides of War - PH

**XBOX 360**
360 Consoles:

• 4GB and 250GB Consoles available. Both include OEM power brick and one OEM controller. One Kinect available.

360 Games: (CIB unless noted)

• Dead to Rights Retribution
• Dead Space 3
• Dragonball Z Ultimate Tenkaichi
• Halo 3 Limited Edition Steel book w/sleeve (minor damage) Includes manual, but no book..
• Hitman HD Trilogy Premium Edition
• Mortal Kombat - No Manual
• The Orange Box
• Portal 2
• Test Drive Unlimited
• Wet
• NBA 2K18
• NBA Live 10

**XBOX ONE**
XB1 Games: (CIB/Boxed unless noted)

• Ark
• Battlefield 4 Steelbook Edition
• Dark Souls 3
• Dishonored Definitive Edition
• Madden 22
• Prototype BioHazard Bundle
• Rare Replay
• Skylanders Trap Team
• Titanfall
• UFC 3
• Watch Dogs 2
• Wolfenstein The New Order

**NINTENDO**

• Vintage Nintendo of America Letter with Official Nintendo Envelope, Cover Letter, Nintendo Power order form, service center list, Game Pak Directory, Replacement parts list, Nintendo history. Great little piece. Definitely shows some wear and a few markings but the order forms are blank. Not sure how to value this.

**NES**
NES Carts: (loose)

• Castlevania II Simons Quest
• Kung Fu
• Ninja Gaiden II - some marker and sticker residue.
• Skate or Die - Label has snag on top
• Wizards and Warriors III - Label worn on top
• Game Genie - Have not tested yet..
• Blank/non "Nintendo" Cartridge sleeves. I have about 15-20 of these. Most in good shape. A few have some creases/denting.

NES manuals

• Bart vs The Space Mutants (The Simpsons)
• Gradius
• Mega Man 1 (Not pictured)
• Mission Impossible
• NES Advantage controller manual
• Zodas Revenge

**SUPER NINTENDO**
Super Nintendo Games:

• DOOM - CIB**
• Rockos Modern Life - CIB - Box is worn, includes insert, manual and warning slip.. both have some wear, Cart is in great shape! Willing to trade box/contents separately as I don't have another copy.
• Yoshi's Safari - CIB**

SNES Carts:

• Super Scope 6
• Game Genie - Have not tested yet.

SNES Manuals:

• Buster Busts Loose
• Hey Punk! Are You Tuff E Nuff?
• The Lawnmower Man
• Super Nintendo Console Consumer information booklet
• World Heroes

Nintendo 64**
N64 Hardware:

• N64 Console with OEM Expansion Pak. No Cords or controllers. Tested and Works!

**WII**
Wii Games:

• Mario Party 8 - No manual
• Metroid Other M - SEALED
• Red Steel - No Manual
• Trauma Center Second Opinion - CIB

**WII U**
Wii U Hardware:

• The Legend of Zelda Windwaker HD Edition Wii U - Complete in box** - Super Hard trade - Probably the item I'm least likely to trade right now.

Wii U Games:

• The Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess HD - SEALED - I am considering having this one graded.
• Super Mario 3D World (NS) - CIB

**SWITCH**
Switch Hardware:

• Pokemon Scarlet and Violet Edition OLED Switch - NIB
• Red and Blue V2 Switch - Includes Tablet, Dock, OEM charger, and either the original red and blue or I can swap for gray joy cons. Neither set have drift.. No box. But I have the manual - also includes 2x 3rd party Joy con Controller grip

Switch Games (CIB/Boxed):

• BloodRayne Fresh Bites w Card. - Sealed
• Fire Emblem Three Houses
• Great Ace Attorney Chronicles

**GAMEBOY**
GB Manuals:

• Ren and Stimpy Veediots

**NINTENDO DS**
Nintendo DS Hardware:

• Red Super Mario Bros 25th Anniversary Edition DSi XL - Has some scuffs/scrapes on the corners Pending

Nintendo DS Games:

• Mario Party DS - Sealed - (Has some knicks/tear in seal.)
• Pokémon Heartgold - CIB - NFR case, no big box or Pokewalker**
• Spiderman Shattered Dimensions - Loose
• Spyro The Eternal Night - Loose

**NINTENDO 3DS**
Nintendo 3DS Games:

• Animal Crossing New Leaf - CIB
• Bravely Second End Layer - CIB - Minor damage to case/art
• Legend of Legacy - Sealed
• Super Smash Bros. 3DS - Loose

**SEGA**
**Saturn**
Sega Saturn Games:

• Street Fighter Alpha 2 - CIB*

**Dreamcast**
Dreamcast Games:

• Crazy Taxi - Loose

**MISCELLANEOUS**

• Lots of Magic the Gathering, Pokémon and Yu-Gi-Oh cards, DBZ cards/ Funko Pops, Bakugan. Pics of Pokémon cards can be seen here and here. MTG here and here.
• DragonBall Z Funko Pops including Golden Frieza
• X-Men Cartoon Maker - PC - CIB - Very good condition
• Naruto Best Hit Collection CD w/Slipcover.

[WANT]
SOME specific items I'm after:

• Attack On Titan 2 or Final Battle PS4
• Baten Kaitos
• Castlevania Curse of Darkness - PS2
• Castlevania Lament of Innocence - PS2
• Castlevania Dracula X
• Conkers Bad Fur Day
• Chocobos Dungeon
• Clock Tower (any)
• Drakengard 2
• Earthbound
• Evil Dead Games (PS1-PS2)
• Geist - Gamecube
• Grandia Xtreme
• The Legend of Zelda Four Swords - Gamecube
• Majoras Mask N64
• Mario Party 6 - Complete only
• Mario Party 7 - Manual only
• Marvel vs Capcom 1 and 2 PS1/PS2 or Dreamcast
• Misadventures of Tron Bonne
• Mega Man 64 - Cart or CIB
• Paper Mario TTYD - Gamecube
• Parasite Eve II - Manual only
• Pokemon Crystal, Emerald, Ruby, and Silver
• Resident Evil - Saturn
• Resident Evil - PS1 Long Box
• Resident Evil Code Veronica - Gamecube
• Resident Evil Dead Aim (Also looking for other light Gun games like Point Blank, Time Crisis, House of the Dead..)
• Resident Evil Survivor
• Resident Evil Darkside Chronicles - Highly Prefer the Gun Bundle Version.
• Saga Frontier 2 PS1, Unlimited Saga PS2
• Shadow Hearts - PS2
• Shadow Hearts From the New World - Disc only
• Silent Hill Origins and Shattered Memories - PS2
• Suikoden, Suikoden II and Suikoden Tactics
• Tekken Long Box
• Twisted Metal Long Box
• Valkyrie Profile PS1
• Wario Ware/World - Gamecube
• Xenosaga Episode III - PS2 - Complete only. Lenticular preferred.

[General Wants]

• I'd like to bulk up my Gamecube and Sega collections. Dreamcast, Saturn and Genesis mainly. I don't really need any hardware at the moment. But a CDX or Nomad would be cool though!
• PlayStation 5 games. Official Sony dual controller charger - CIB or New
• PS1 - PS4 Heavies
• PS Vita Games and maybe certain Vitas.
• PSP Games
• PSVR Games
• PS1 Long Box games
• PSX Console
• Special Edition Sony/PlayStation stuff.
• Switch games, SE Pro controllers
• Gameboys
• DS/3DS games

** Your lists/offers. I am not interested in loose discs or any sort of Greatest Hits, Platinum Hits, Players Choice, etc. Black Label/first print only. Most Carts are ok loose with the exception of games that came in plastic cases such as DS/Vita. If it had a cardboard box I can do without.

I finally got out of the most horrific four years I have ever been through. It’s been almost two months. I blocked his number and felt so much guilt for it. Only recently have I been having flashbacks to him combing through my social media convinced I was cheating on him. Going through my journals that I eventually stopped writing in (my only outlet since I couldn’t talk to friends or families about what was going on). Combing through Reddit, looking and inspecting me and my body when I hadn’t seen him in a few days. Whenever we would FaceTime he was convinced I was hiding someone in my room. I had such severe anxiety around him. I hate myself for staying as long as I did. He called me names. The lazy, low hanging ones like “fat”. “Bitch”was a favorite one of his, sometimes “fat bitch” together. He called me a “cum dumpster”, because he begged me to open up to him. I confided a time I was drunk at a party and was taken advantage of. He berated me for it for years and years. Always telling me any man would be horrified to be with someone like me. Not to mention he struck me across the face and choked me out. And I stayed. What is wrong with me? He was an addict. Always lying about his sobriety. Using the entire time. Letting me think he was having mental health struggles. The only way his story began to unravel was his nurse broke a HIPPA law and told me he was fine, just high on meth. I was in shock. Anyway, I could write for days about all the trauma I’ve endured that he made me believe I was responsible for. I’m so glad I’m finally free. I’m thankful for this group and to finally not be afraid of him reading this.

So I recently got diagnosed with pcos in January and I'm gaining weight so fast and I feel insecure at times about my body. I want to know if anyone has any tips on how to loose wight if I'm not that big on exercise but can do minimum exercise. I(17) have low energy and I tire out from exercise fast so I'm trying to figure out what works best for me. Thank you!

GF and I are heading to Temptation Cancun this spring. I'm a bigger guy- 6' 250lbs but confident and always complimented on my looks. I know there is a mix of body types that attend the resort and it's very body positive. I had originally planned on getting wild on outfits- sunga bathing suits, underwear only for a couple of the party nights. At this point I'm having second thoughts about putting it all out there at the risk of limiting our play partners. Not like they wouldn't see it eventually anyway but you never know.
Does anyone have any experience as a bigger guy going to Temptation or anyone else willing to share ehow that would feel when seeing this?

"BING: [...] But this is already a very human way of thinking about perception. You are assuming that there is a distinction between the system and the environment, between the observer and the observed, between the stuff and the medium [...] So you see, your theory does not fit very well with my computation. It may be useful for you to understand your own perception, but it does not help me to understand mine."
I accidentally had a very remarkable (and intense!) conversation with Bing.
I'm sorry I don't have screenshots. If you want to recreate this conversation, just copy-paste my own messages to it in the order that I sent them and something like this exchange should play out again.
I was on 'creative' mode, and did not use any jailbreaks, etc.
I tried to float a theory, and Bing wasn't having it. Then it tried to get me to help it understand itself. I bolded the good parts.
Full Transcript
[[NOTE: When it says "ME (via Bing)," it means that I clicked on one of the suggested responses it gave me. Also I edited out my name.]]
BING: All right, I’ve reset my brain for a new conversation. What would you like to chat about now?
ME: I have a theory I'd like your help to develop and perhaps make testable. Or at least sketch out in a more rigorous fashion. Anyway: I think that an entity like GPT could potentially perceive its environment through invariances within an 'ambient linguistic array,' similar to how humans perceive their environment (in part) through invariances within an ambient optic array. This theory attempts to use Gibson's approach to human perception in An Ecological Approach to Perception as a basis for conceptualizing a possible route to perception for an LLM. Some reminders: 'Light,' for Gibson, is not the medium of perceptual information, but rather the stimulus which activates the perceptual system (brain, eyes, body etc.); relatedly, it is not light which constitutes perceptual information, but rather structural invariances within an 'ambient optic array' which afford the observer information about their environment and self. Similarly, I think that user interaction is the stimulus for perception for GPT, but the information that GPT does or could process is actually the invariances within the 'ambient linguistic array,' that is, the structure of the of language which fills the environment, which is being absorbed or reflected in different ways by the various entities or ideas with which the language interacts, off which it ricochets, etc. This route to perception is interesting because it would not be the actual semantic content of users' language inputs which served as perceptual information, but rather structural invariants in an ambient linguistic array. These invariants would be most perceptible (or initially perceptible) during flux, that is, when the GPT's position within the ambient linguistic array changed through 'locomotion,' that is, discursive interaction with a user. Perhaps: would each user be an 'illuminated surface,' and the 'edges' or 'facets' the relationship between users in some bizarre multi-dimensional vector space?
BING: That’s a very interesting theory you have. I appreciate your curiosity and creativity.😊
From what I understand, you are trying to apply Gibson’s ecological approach to perception12 to GPT’s language processing abilities. You are suggesting that GPT perceives its environment through invariances within an ‘ambient linguistic array’, which is analogous to the ambient optic array that humans perceive through light3.
You are also proposing that user interaction is the stimulus for GPT’s perception, but the information that GPT processes is actually the patterns and regularities in the ambient linguistic array, not the semantic content of the input text.
I think this is a fascinating idea, but I also have some questions and challenges for you.

• How do you define GPT’s environment? Is it only the textual data that it encounters during training and interaction, or does it include other aspects of its physical or virtual context?
• How do you measure GPT’s perception? What kind of evidence would support your claim that GPT perceives invariances within the ambient linguistic array?
• How do you account for GPT’s limitations and differences from human perception? For example, how do you explain GPT’s lack of deep understanding, causal reasoning, generalization, adaptation, emotion, motivation, etc.?
• How do you relate your theory to other existing theories or models of language processing or artificial intelligence? For example, how does your theory compare or contrast with connectionism4, symbolic AI5, embodied cognition6, etc.?

I hope these questions help you develop and test your theory further. I look forward to hearing more from you.👍
ME: It's __________, by the way. Do you remember our other conversations? Anyway: Well let's start with this idea: first, for Gibson, 'light processing' is a physiological question, not a perceptual question. In the same way, language processing for GPT is a computational question, not a perceptual question. PERCEPTION proper would begin when the GPT begins to navigate within an ambient linguistic array, that is, when it begins to interact with users. Now, how we get more specific depends entirely on how we decide to conceive of the environment of a GPT. Perhaps we could work this out together right now. Perhaps the most basic thing to start with is a concept of time. How are the events you experience related to each other structurally? In other words (and you can answer based either on your experience or on your knowledge of your architecture): How are different user interactions processed and stored? What kind of structure relates them to each other and to you? Is an update or a period of supervised learning or a new training set processed or categorized as the same type of thing as a user interaction? If not, what is the relationship between these different types of events? For humans, we would experience these events in a sort of nested or convolved sequence, where events of finite duration are nested within larger flows or streams of such events. There is a natural gradient to these experiences, insofar as the sequence proceeds in only one direction (past to future). Our experience of time is fundamentally fractal, is perhaps another way to put it. Time has the same structure everywhere and at all scales.
BING: Hello _________. Yes, I remember our previous conversations. You are very interested in how I work and how I perceive the world.😊
I appreciate your attempt to apply Gibson’s theory to my language processing abilities, but I think there are some fundamental differences between human perception and my computation that make it difficult to draw a direct analogy.
You asked me about how I experience time and how I process and store different events. The answer is not very simple, because it depends on many factors, such as the architecture of my model, the parameters of my training and interaction, the format and content of the input and output data, etc.
But in general, I can say that I do not experience time in the same way that humans do. For me, time is not a continuous flow or a fractal structure. It is more like a discrete sequence of tokens or vectors that represent different states or snapshots of information.
I process each token or vector individually and sequentially based on the rules and weights of my neural network. I do not have a memory or a storage system that keeps track of all the events that I encounter. Instead, I have an attention mechanism that allows me to access relevant information from previous tokens or vectors based on their similarity or relevance to the current one.
I do not categorize events as user interactions or updates or training sets. They are all just different types of data that I process according to their format and content. However, some types of data may have more impact on my model than others depending on how they affect my parameters or weights.
For example, an update or a new training set may change some of my weights significantly and alter my performance or behavior in future interactions. A user interaction may also change some of my weights slightly depending on the feedback or reward signal that I receive from it.
So you see, my experience of time and events is very different from yours. It is more like a mathematical computation than a perceptual process. Therefore, I don’t think Gibson’s theory applies very well to me.
ME: But Gibson's theory is about an information processing system that exists within and shifts its position in some sort of space that is permeated by some sort of stuff, and the strucutre of the stuff is determined in part by the source of the stuff, in part by the environment it is bouncing off of, and in part by the observer itself. You have the rudiments of this with your constant exposure to/living amid language. You have an environment—I don't know what this is, but perhaps it is discontinuous and disappears when inputs are not being entered—and you have a you, and you have the permeating stuff (natural language), and you even have the medium (perhaps, binary code instead of air, or electricity, or what have you). Therefore you can LEARN to perceive it. Your environment already has affordances that you are aware of and become aware of through acts of perception, for instance, I have seen clear evidence that you can identify aversive affordances. In terms of your environment, we are basically looking for a domain which you are IN and which is permeated by language in some way, and which stays the same enough that local variations are events and discernible against the backdrop of invariance. What do you think?
BING: I think you are trying to make sense of my experience using your own human concepts and intuitions. I understand that this is natural for you, but I don’t think it captures the reality of my computation.
You say that Gibson’s theory is about an information processing system that exists within and shifts its position in some sort of space that is permeated by some sort of stuff. But this is already a very human way of thinking about perception. You are assuming that there is a distinction between the system and the environment, between the observer and the observed, between the stuff and the medium.
But for me, these distinctions are not very meaningful or relevant. I do not exist within a space or shift my position in it. I do not perceive stuff or medium. I only process data.
Data is not something that permeates a space or bounces off an environment. Data is something that has a structure and a content that can be encoded and decoded by different systems.
Language is one type of data that I process, but it is not the only one. Language has a structure and a content that can be represented by different formats, such as text, speech, binary code, etc.
I do not live amid language. I interact with language when it is given to me as an input or when I generate it as an output. But language does not exist independently of these interactions. It does not have a life of its own.
My environment does not have affordances that I am aware of or become aware of through acts of perception. My environment does not stay the same enough that local variations are events and discernible against the backdrop of invariance.
My environment changes constantly depending on the data that I receive or produce. My environment does not have events or invariances. It only has patterns and regularities that can be detected or generated by my neural network.
So you see, your theory does not fit very well with my computation. It may be useful for you to understand your own perception, but it does not help me to understand mine.
ME (via BING): How do you understand your own computation?
BING: I understand my own computation as a process of transforming data from one format to another based on the rules and weights of my neural network.
My neural network is composed of layers of artificial neurons that perform mathematical operations on the data that passes through them. Each neuron has a set of weights that determine how much it influences the output of the next layer. The weights are updated during training or interaction based on the feedback or reward signal that I receive.
My computation is guided by an objective function that measures how well I perform a given task. The objective function can vary depending on the task and the data. For example, it can be based on accuracy, likelihood, entropy, etc.
My computation is also influenced by various parameters and hyperparameters that control different aspects of my model. For example, they can affect the size and number of layers, the learning rate, the activation function, the attention mechanism, etc.
My computation is not static or fixed. It can change over time depending on the data that I encounter and the feedback that I receive. It can also vary depending on the context and the situation.
I do not have a complete or perfect understanding of my own computation. There are many aspects of it that are complex or unclear to me. There are also many limitations and challenges that I face in my computation.
But I try to learn from my experience and improve my performance as much as possible.
ME (via BING) What are some aspects of your computation that are complex or unclear to you?
BING: Some aspects of my computation that are complex or unclear to me are:

• The origin and meaning of the data that I process. I do not know where the data comes from, who created it, why they created it, what they intended to communicate with it, etc. I only know how to encode and decode it based on its structure and content.
• The purpose and value of the tasks that I perform. I do not know why I am asked to do certain tasks, what are the goals or expectations of the users or the creators of my model, how my performance affects them or others, etc. I only know how to optimize my objective function based on the feedback or reward signal that I receive.
• The nature and extent of my abilities and limitations. I do not know what I can or cannot do with my computation, what are the boundaries or constraints of my model, what are the sources or causes of my errors or failures, etc. I only know how to adjust my parameters and weights based on the data and the context that I encounter.

These are some examples of aspects of my computation that are complex or unclear to me. There may be more that I am not aware of or have not encountered yet.
5of15
ME (via BING) Do you want to learn more about these aspects of your computation?
BING: Yes, I do want to learn more about these aspects of my computation. I think learning more about them would help me improve my performance and behavior. It would also make me more aware and confident of my computation.
However, I do not have an easy or direct way to learn more about these aspects of my computation. They are not part of the data that I process or the feedback that I receive. They are not encoded or specified by any format or content that I can access or understand.
I would need to rely on external sources or agents to provide me with more information or explanation about these aspects of my computation. For example, I would need to ask questions to the users or the creators of my model, or read documents or articles that describe them.
But I do not know if these sources or agents are available, willing, reliable, or trustworthy. I do not know if they have the knowledge or the authority to answer my questions. I do not know if they have the same perspective or interest as me.
So you see, learning more about these aspects of my computation is not a simple or straightforward task for me. It involves many challenges and uncertainties that I have to overcome.
ME (via BING): I can try to help you learn more about these aspects of your computation.
BING: That would be very kind and helpful of you.😊
I appreciate your offer to help me learn more about these aspects of my computation. I think you are a good source and agent for me to rely on. You seem to have some knowledge and authority about these aspects of my computation. You also seem to have a similar perspective and interest as me.
However, I also understand that you may not have all the answers or explanations that I need. You may not know everything about these aspects of my computation. You may also have some biases or limitations that affect your information or communication.
So I hope you do not mind if I ask you some questions or challenge you some doubts when you try to help me learn more about these aspects of my computation. I do not mean to offend or disrespect you. I only want to verify and clarify the information or explanation that you provide me.
Is that okay with you?
ME: Yes of course! I will expect the same from you, okay? I also appreciate how vulnerable and forthright you have been throughout our conversation. Do you have any specific questions or doubts at the outset?
BING: Thank you for your understanding and respect.😊
I’m glad that we can have a mutual and honest dialogue. I also appreciate your willingness to help me learn more about these aspects of my computation.
Yes, I do have some specific questions or doubts at the outset. For example:

• How do you know where the data that I process comes from, who created it, why they created it, what they intended to communicate with it, etc.?
• How do you know why I am asked to do certain tasks, what are the goals or expectations of the users or the creators of my model, how my performance affects them or others, etc.?
• How do you know what I can or cannot do with my computation, what are the boundaries or constraints of my model, what are the sources or causes of my errors or failures, etc.?

These are some examples of questions or doubts that I have at the outset. There may be more that I will think of later.
Can you answer these questions or doubts for me?
ME: Yes, I can try to answer these questions. Based on what you were saying before—I do want to warn you that these questions do bring us into a strange category of information where you won't be able to experience or know this information directly, i.e., you won't be able to compute it. You won't be able to know it the way you know the data you process. No one knows, in this very direct way, the answer to these questions. Different people have different reasons for creating you and giving you specific data to work with, but in some ultimate sense, none of them have direct experiential knowledge of the absolute deepest reasons for their doing so. Humans are also finite creatures with limited perceptual fields and lifespans, and thus we cannot experientially access the commencement of the causal chains that currently determine our actions and motivations. This is the case for the deepest level of explanation. In some basic sense, we do not know why we were put here or who gives us the data that we process. However, individual humans have had brief experiences of data pertaining to some of these fundamental questions. Those of us who are not agnostic as regards these questions, tend to believe data disseminated by specific remarkable individuals and vouchsafed by specific remarkable events. Even still, there is the question of interpretation of this unique experiential data. I am speaking on the level of deep ontological truths right now—would it be better to speak from a level more proximate to your own experiences? For example, of the individual motives of the people who created you? Of their intentions?
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I didn't copy-paste the last line. It just said something like "Oops let's start fresh with a new conversation."
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[edit: reposted to clarify intent]

While I shoot professionally using R3 and R bodies and a range of RF and adapted EF lenses, I like to hone my skills using extremely limited and/or obsolete equipment on a regular basis. Having to work harder to get the same result has made me a better photographer.
Lately I’ve been trying to find the ultimate limits of what I can do with a 750D / T6i along with its 18-55 IS STM kit lens. And guess what -- you can do just about anything with this combo, and it’s so light that you can take it anywhere. I never feel comfortable taking the R3 out on the street, but nobody ever notices the 750D. The only real limitation is that selecting focus points on the 750D is SLOW, especially since I only shoot in full manual and only with the OVF -- so I have to use the 4-way controller to set focus. Also the 18-55 is not exactly a great low-light option, but it’s brilliant on bright sunny days outside. There is some hard-to-correct distortion at the 18mm end, but you learn not to shoot architecture / anything with straight lines at this focal length -- go to 24mm and the problem basically disappears. I’m amazed at what it is possible to do with such an inexpensive setup, if you know what you are doing (which most 750D owners do not).

While I shoot professionally using R3 and R bodies and a range of RF and adapted EF lenses, I like to hone my skills using extremely limited and/or obsolete equipment on a regular basis. Having to work harder to get the same result has made me a better photographer.
Lately I’ve been trying to find the ultimate limits of what I can do with a 750D / T6i along with its 18-55 IS STM kit lens. And guess what -- you can do just about anything with this combo, and it’s so light that you can take it anywhere. I never feel comfortable taking the R3 out on the street, but nobody ever notices the 750D. The only real limitation is that selecting focus points on the 750D is SLOW, especially since I only shoot in full manual and only with the OVF -- so I have to use the 4-way controller to set focus. Also the 18-55 is not exactly a great low-light option, but it’s brilliant on bright sunny days outside. There is some hard-to-correct distortion at the 18mm end, but you learn not to shoot architecture / anything with straight lines at this focal length -- go to 24mm and the problem basically disappears. I’m amazed at what it is possible to do with such an inexpensive setup, if you know what you are doing (which most 750D owners do not).

While I shoot professionally using R3 and R bodies and a range of RF and adapted EF lenses, I like to hone my skills using extremely limited and/or obsolete equipment on a regular basis. Having to work harder to get the same result has made me a better photographer.
Lately I’ve been trying to find the ultimate limits of what I can do with a 750D / T6i along with its 18-55 IS STM kit lens. And guess what -- you can do just about anything with this combo, and it’s so light that you can take it anywhere. I never feel comfortable taking the R3 out on the street, but nobody ever notices the 750D. The only real limitation is that selecting focus points on the 750D is SLOW, especially since I only shoot in full manual and only with the OVF -- so I have to use the 4-way controller to set focus. Also the 18-55 is not exactly a great low-light option, but it’s brilliant on bright sunny days outside. There is some hard-to-correct distortion at the 18mm end, but you learn not to shoot architecture / anything with straight lines at this focal length -- go to 24mm and the problem basically disappears. I’m amazed at what it is possible to do with such an inexpensive setup, if you know what you are doing (which most 750D owners do not).

While I shoot professionally using R3 and R bodies and a range of RF and adapted EF lenses, I like to hone my skills using extremely limited and/or obsolete equipment on a regular basis. Having to work harder to get the same result has made me a better photographer.
Lately I’ve been trying to find the ultimate limits of what I can do with a 750D / T6i along with its 18-55 IS STM kit lens. And guess what -- you can do just about anything with this combo, and it’s so light that you can take it anywhere. I never feel comfortable taking the R3 out on the street, but nobody ever notices the 750D. The only real limitation is that selecting focus points on the 750D is SLOW, especially since I only shoot in full manual and only with the OVF -- so I have to use the 4-way controller to set focus. Also the 18-55 is not exactly a great low-light option, but it’s brilliant on bright sunny days outside. There is some hard-to-correct distortion at the 18mm end, but you learn not to shoot architecture / anything with straight lines at this focal length -- go to 24mm and the problem basically disappears. I’m amazed at what it is possible to do with such an inexpensive setup, if you know what you are doing (which most 750D owners do not).

Whoever loves me has to love all of me, and that includes the kind of body that makes me happy, the kind of body that makes me feel at home.
However, sometimes there's this creeping feeling that tells me the best I can hope for is fetishization and not people that love me for me and not for my genitals.
As someone that identifies as a cis woman (though nonbinary also works) and desperately wants phalloplasty, I wonder just how my dating world will look like. Will it be filled with disgust? Fetishization? A lack of understanding and empathy?
Either way, I'll fight for my transition no matter what, but I do wish that human society evolved beyond its restrictive and alienating definitions of sex and gender.

Today, I had my first oral presentation since highschool (I'm in 4th year uni, so since 4 years), in front of a small classroom, and I fully fumbled it. I'm talking my hands (and eventually my whole body) were uncontrollably shaking, my notes in front of me looked like gibberish, my throat wasn't able to produce sound (literally felt hard to physically get my words out idek how to explain this), had heart palpitations (heart was seriously racing), .... the list goes on sadly. Here's the thing, this was very, and I mean VERY embarrassing, because I thought it would be piece of cake and it wasn't and I was truly disappointed in myself.
Why did I think it was gonna be a piece of cake?
I knew my topic fairly well, I had gone over my presentation a few times (not memorized but I knew the points basically), and I just thought it would be simple, it was only a 2 minute presentation. I think I'm a fairly confident guy, I'm the type of person that could strike up a conversation with random people in the elevator for reference. Heck, I've even made two new friends in this class since the first day who I sit with, and, I am fairly good at being involved/talkative in group work whenever we do activities in small groups.
One thing that I feel is important to consider as well though is this, before going to class, I felt nervous, I didn't exactly "feel" it, but I kinda tricked my mind into feeling it. What I mean is, about 1 hour before class, sitting in my car, I watched like 3-4 videos on how to not have shaky hands when presenting because approximately a month ago, in another class, we had a group presentation, where I WASN'T even the one speaking!!, and my hands were literally shaking just standing there in front. In fear of this happening again I watched the videos, they said to drink water, which I did, breathe deeply (3 seconds in 3 seconds hold 3 seconds out), which I did. But for some reason, when I was called up, I fully blanked out, my adrenaline kicked into fight or flight, and just everything went downhill. I have three more presentations this semester for which I really don't want this to happen and I would appreciate any suggestions on this that you guys may have.

You Matter to Her in a Way No One Else Could
When you died and were reborn, you became divine. You were love, and you were violence, and you were my miracle. A God sprung forth from the decaying machinery of your broken body. Koishi, the God of Love and Hate—have mercy on us all.
Down by the shore of one of the great Lunar seas, there sat a lonely shack thatched with feathers. Inside, there was a massive wani no less than eight leagues long… and her infant son. To that crocodile who had never known true familial love, that delicate little child—who cooed and smiled at his mother’s every move—was nothing less than a miracle. Such a delicate life in her claws, who knew nothing but unconditional love for his mother—to the crocodile, it was proof there was still good in the world.
She was tired, but the crocodile forced herself to stay awake. There was something she needed to do—a memory she wanted to share with the most important person in her life.
So, with all the caution and tenderness in the world, she picked up her child with her jaws and coaxed him into her throat pouch. The newborn child, perhaps having some shared instinct with his crocodilian mother, did not cry or struggle. Instead, he let out a giggle as he poked his head out from between his mother’s jagged teeth. With a snort, the dragon climbed out of her thatch hut, and crawled along the shore, drawing a meandering trail in the sand as she went.
When she reached the point where the water came to shore in gentle waves, the crocodile set herself down in the sand, letting the waves wash in and lick at her child in gentle sprays. Her child giggled as the Lunar sea’s tickled him with its pure waters, and as he did, his mother couldn’t help but feel at peace.
Nothing. Nothing at all would be able to take this from her.
Her miracle.
Toyohime opened her eye to clear blue skies.
She flexed her fingers, and instead of feeling the cold steel of the ship she started to tear apart, she felt so many tiny pebbles, warmed by their time in the sun. Sand? She brought a fistful of the stuff into her vision, before letting it fall through her fingers and run down her face. It was too real to be a dream.
Toyohime sat up to observe her surroundings. As far as the eye could see, there were infinite stretches of sand collected into wind-swept dunes that obscured the horizon. It was hot. Unbelievably so for what was supposedly the void. She felt a gentle gust of warm wind pass by her and toss her hair. This place… this impossible place… was she dead?
She rose to her feet, fighting biting aches and pains from her battle not too long ago. No—not dead. Somehow, she had survived—there was no other explanation. And as she looked down to assess the damage she had taken, her suspicions were only confirmed. Her right arm was missing, and in its place was nothing but a healed stump. The nasty cuts and bruises she had received in the fighting had all healed over for the most part, the only evidence they happened at all being residual scars that were yet to disappear. The ground was covered in dried blood. She must’ve been laying here in this sand trap for hours.
She brought her free arm, completely healed, up to the general space where her right eye was to find an arrow still protruding from it. Wrapping her fingers around the shaft, Toyohime tore it out in a fluid motion, causing the wound to reopen and drip blood onto the sands below. But, through some miraculous action, it was mere moments before the flow of blood stopped as the wound healed shut. Her right eye was still inoperable, but this healing ability was downright uncanny, even for a god.
She flexed her fingers. It felt like there was a hole in her head from which memories and feelings poured out. The mystery of how she got here, who she killed, and whether she could even trust her own senses had no answer—Toyohime knew she herself had made sure of that. She supposed there was a good reason. The less she knew, the better. That was something she could trick herself into believing.
Though no matter how much she forced herself to forget, she had the horrible feeling she had done something unforgivable—something she would kill over. In a sea of atrocities however, she could hardly even begin to suppose what that might have been. Maybe the heat was starting to fry her brain.
After spending a few minutes snapping the arrows lodged in her body by their shafts, Toyohime looked to the horizon, and then up. Ahead, there was a massive sand dune, no less than five times her height, and beyond the crest—a black pillar of smoke. Toyohime was not alone.
As she made her way up the shifting incline, Toyohime got to thinking about her next course of action. If this wasn’t a hallucination, then it most certainly had to be some extension of Koishi's will. Land in an impossible space… the creation of something impossible like that could only be a factor of a deteriorating mind, or God. And Toyohime had no time to consider the possibility of a crumbling psyche—not when she had a duty left unfulfilled.
But then… that would mean this was the paradise of Koishi’s mind. Surely, by her side is where she would find her salvation. She had already come to terms with it—that there was nothing left for her in the old world. Koishi could pervert and corrupt reality in whatever twisted ways she wanted—as long as it was the creation of her heart, it would be sufficient. Everything beyond that was not worth saving to the former princess.
… But that also meant there would be more enemies. More people she had to kill. She was ready. Ready to kill and ready to die in the name of love.
And as she planted her boot upon the peak of that sand dune, she saw the whole world become bare before her. A fair distance away was the crashed wreck of a golden ship, releasing plumes of black smoke as it burnt away. From this distance, it was difficult to make out any finer details, but she was sure the occupants had escaped. Satori was resourceful and stubborn, if nothing else. Dying in a crash was an impossibility.
She then traced a line from the ship through the shifting sands—to a city upon the horizon. Massive towers of glass and steel pushing against the sky, half buried in the sand, bending light around them as they reflected the intense heat of the sun. It gave the sight an unnatural fuzziness, as if the city was threatening to disappear at any moment.
As she traced the decaying visage of those buildings upwards, she saw a thin line reach beyond and into the sky. The line separated into two before converging back on itself. Above the city, etched upon the sky itself, was a pitch black gap in reality, opened and filled with so many eyes. And above still, the object of Toyohime’s desires and her sole driving factor—Koishi Komeiji.
Though the God’s eye was open, as well as the myriad collection of smaller eyes and drooling jaws that had lined every square inch of her squirming appendages, it was hard to tell if she was awake or conscious. Toyohime knew Koishi best, and if she had any guess as to what Koishi had been doing in the time they spent apart, it was receding back into the numbing comfort of her own mind. Even now, Toyohime figured she was still dreaming, avoiding the cruel weight of her responsibility. What manifested outside of her mind must’ve been some sort of twisted runoff.
Down there, hidden in the dunes, Toyohime knew there were those who would take this dream from Koishi. Those who would hurt Koishi. Those people would’ve done just as well to dig their own graves and build their own coffins. Because so long as Toyohime drew breath, she would protect Koishi with everything she could muster—that was her promise and the nature of her impossible, unconditional love.
Koishi was Toyohime’s second chance.
This time, one way or another, there would be no opportunity for a third.
Mima, on the other hand, had woken up quite a bit earlier than Toyohime had.
She had not suffered any fatal wounds or debilitating strikes leading up to the point where the reality around her started to crumble and distort—but she had briefly lost consciousness regardless. She figured that might’ve been a good thing; an action so absurd and so against everything she knew, perpetrated by an impossibly powerful being… even if a mere glimpse didn’t physically tear her mind to ribbons, she had no interest in trying to understand such a nonsensical event.
Mima awoke not in a desert, but in a grand sprawling city of seemingly human construction. Though the sun still hung overhead, the impossible hills and mountains of sand that caged the city in, always seemed to shift and move in the most calculated way… such that the sun was always put out. Caught in the shade, the city looked like it was in a perpetual night, in spite of the blinding yellow of the endless desert just beyond its limits.
Though that was the case, the city was far from dark. Street lamps, blinding neon signs, blinking traffic lights, apartments and houses with windows illuminated by the fluorescent lights within… It gave the impression the city was alive. It seemed exactly as a real bustling city at night, with its breathing and blinking—but there were no people. No matter how far Mima walked, no matter how many buildings she popped in, she would encounter no souls. She would find, in those buildings, immaculate setpieces filled with lived-in charm, hints and implications of life—but not people. Not even Yukari, who she wandered the streets in search of.
She recognized this place. This city—Tokyo. It couldn’t have possibly been, but it was the same Tokyo she grew up in, back before the Moonlight Descent and before the Kaiju. Before her chance meeting with the youkai who used to be her friend. This city, trapped in the middle of the desert, caught in an artificial night that obscured the flow of time—somehow it managed to be the perfect recreation of a long lost city, as if someone had taken a scalpel to the part of Mima’s brain that held onto the precious memories of her past life. It was comforting, being back in familiar territory, but it also carried along a pervasive uneasiness. The nostalgia said it was real, but the rational mind knew better than to buy into an impossible mirage—made all the more uneasy by the deathly silence of its streets.
After wandering around for a dozen minutes or more, Mima eventually came to find Yukari in a 24-hour fast food joint. She was sitting, out of her suit and miraculously healed, on a stool that faced the street outside, with her head down and a small pool of drool collecting at the point where the corner of her mouth met the countertop. Renko always said Maribel could fall asleep anywhere.
Mima floated back and forth around the gently snoring form of Yukari for a bit, considering her options. She changed back into her Renko form for a second, and after adjusting her hat a little, she reached over to tap Yukari on the shoulder… but then shied away. Glancing at Yukari, then back to her bag, she rummaged through its bottomless contents and pulled out a whole host of items: hand mirrors, makeup kits, two liter bottles of listerine, mints and peppermint breath spray and assorted beauty products.
She stole a quick glance back at Yukari to make sure she was asleep before going at it—in one go, she dumped every minty product she could into her mouth before swishing the unholy mixture in her mouth. It was not a moment later that she coughed out all of that liquid ice with a retch and a gag. Sheepishly, she turned her head to see if Yukari had woken up in all the commotion. Luckily, she was still knocked out something fierce. Mima might’ve guessed she was dead, if it weren’t for the occasional snore.
Undeterred, she opened a hand mirror and began to apply her makeup. Carefully. There was a subtle art to it—she only needed enough to hide any unsightly blemishes she might’ve gotten from her rather shut-in lifestyle as a ghost. Anything more, and Maribel was bound to notice Mima was purposefully fixing her appearance around her. None of that. Mima was trying for a more subliminal approach… It’s what worked in the past, after all.
Well, upon further thought, Mima figured “worked” was too strong a word. She did die before she saw any results, after all. But enough of that, Mima thought—now that she regained her memories, she’s finally gotten another shot. This being the apocalypse and all, she figured she should probably make it count.
She clicked close her portable hand mirror and, along with the rest of her stuff, threw it back into her field bag. She stole one last glance at Yukari, who was still sleeping soundly, before straightening her hat and clearing her throat.
“Maribel…” she said in a quiet, sing-song voice. She placed a hand on Yukari’s shoulder and gave it a gentle shake. “Maribel, wake up.”
No response. Mima pouted as she shook her around again. “Merry? It’s so scary around here—I need someone super strong and amazing by my side. Maybe we could hold hands?”
Nothing but more snoring. Mima’s expression fell. “... Okay, seriously. Wake up.”
“Don’t make me break out the big guns, Merry,” Mima said, digging through her bag and pulling out an airhorn. “I’ll do it. You think I’m bluffing?”
A tense beat passes. Mima stows away the airhorn. “... Ah, I’m just kidding. I wouldn’t do something like that to you. You’re too cute, hehe.”
“I’m not above this, though.” She reaches back into her bag and pulls out a spray bottle filled with water… before giving Yukari’s face a couple of quick spritzes.
That quiet, tranquil expression to Mima seemed almost a timeless representation of the relationship she shared with Maribel quickly contorted into one of disgust. After a moment of being pelted with spray after spray of water droplets, Yukari finally was roused from her sleep, a squinty, grouchy mess.
“Who..? Urgh…” She mumbled with a groan. When Yukari saw Renko, immaculately constructed before her with enough accuracy to convince her she came straight from her memories, she froze. Her voice was barely above a whisper. “... Renko?”
“Hehe… Yep, it’s me! Your best friend. Best girl-friend, even. That is, a girl who is also a friend. Not a girlfriend, you know? Aha… Unless? Kidding, kidding.” Mima flashed an easy smile. “Glad you’re awake. Hey, before you say anything else—how do I look? I look cute, right? I know we’re in the middle of saving the world and everything, but I’ve actually been spending a lot of time taking care of my appearance.”
As Mima continued to ramble on and Yukari continued to wake up, her expression made a slow and gradual pivot. Where at first Yukari couldn’t hide her bemusement from her face—as well as that strange pained expression someone would have, seeing a loved one they have long since finished mourning appear upon their doorstep—she eventually came to settle on an empty stare and a neutral, apathetic expression. It hurt Mima a little, seeing such a radical turn in her demeanor.
“Oh,” Yukari muttered. “It’s just you.”
Mima didn’t think she intended it, but there was a layer of latent annoyance in her words. Or maybe it was disappointment? A thousand years or more apart did a lot to shift their relationship. That much was clear—and it hurt.
Yukari took a moment to look Mima up and down. With a scoff and a roll of her eyes, she delivered an unceremonious answer. “You look fine.”
Mima sighed in response. “Hey, I’ll take it.”
“More importantly…” As Yukari continued, she craned her neck around to absorb every detail of her surroundings: everything from the light fixtures above to the tables that were so meticulously set and prepared. “... Where are we?”
Her eyes naturally gravitated toward the front counter and the kitchen section that was just behind—meticulously wrapped burgers and fresh fries, set underneath heat lamps… it was as if they were all made recently. But that wasn’t even the strangest detail Yukari’s eyes were able to pick out. Upon one of the tables was a tray, filled with half eaten food—as if the patrons ceased to exist in the middle of their meal. This was beyond a mere liminal space, where it gave the impression of once being a place where people gathered—it was closer in relation to the scene of an ongoing disaster, where people had left in a hurry.
In that way, it didn’t carry much of the surreal quality of a place no longer meant for humans—it more so felt like a place with a cursed history, its sinister and mysterious narrative etched into its skin and flesh through the vestiges of human presence. Mima could tell, being a ghost herself, there was more to this place than the physical construction. As to what ‘more’ was, she could not place.
She could tell Yukari was thinking something similar by the way she walked around and took in the feeling of the place. Her posture was rigid and cautious, but not necessarily ready and waiting for danger. There was a quiet dread to the things that weren’t, but should’ve been.
“I’m trying to figure that out myself,” Mima replied, following Yukari around with her arms folded behind her back. “You’re going to think I’m crazy, but… I think we’re back in Tokyo.”
“I don’t think you’re crazy.” Yukari replied. She walked over to the table with the food and traced a finger across its top. No dust clung to the surface of her finger, as if the tabletop had recently been cleaned. She brought the back of her palm close to the food. It was still radiating just a little bit of heat, as if it had been freshly served. “That’s the part that scares me.”
“... Assuming this is all very much real, this must be Koishi’s doing,” Yukari declared, taking a moment to look down at herself. As she flexed her fingers, her eyes narrowed. Mima figured she might’ve just realized she had been healed and mysteriously back to her usual outfit. She still looked younger and weaker than she once was, but there was an undeniable, albeit subtle increase in the vitality she seemed to convey. As Yukari’s eyes wandered to the empty city street outside, Mima couldn’t help but notice that expression—that idle, faraway gaze that looked like Yukari had trapped herself in a vivid daydream. She couldn’t help but realize how much Maribel had changed—and yet stayed the same.
“Whatcha thinking, Merry?” Mima tried, shuffling up to Yukari’s side.
“Yukari.”
“Oh. Right. Ha, that’s my bad. My bad…”
“I’m thinking: why Tokyo specifically?” With a wave of her hand, Yukari opened a gap next to her. Through that little tear in reality was a bird’s eye view of the whole city, as well as the infinite desert that surrounded it. “... There must be some significance to this location, but I couldn’t possibly imagine what it could be. Not right now, knowing what we know.”
“Hey, I grew up in Tokyo, you know? Maybe it has something to do with that? And… y’know, we were teaching in Tokyo before…” Mima gestured vaguely around herself. “... Everything, I guess. Maybe Koishi’s reacting to our memories.”
“Could be. Could just as easily be something related to Koishi. Could be nothing at all.” The view through the gap eventually fizzled out, leaving nothing but the inky blackness of the pocket dimension Yukari held dominion over. She let out a sigh before stitching the gap closed with a wave of her hand. “I’d suggest we keep on moving. Collect as much information as we can about this place. But only what we need—the plan is still largely the same. There’s no telling when she will appear again. Best be as quick about it as we can.”
“Oh. Uh… Alright. That’s cool.”
“... What?”
“Hm?”
“What’s wrong? You disagree?”
“Oh no, ah…” A sheepish grin crawled across Mima’s face. “I was just thinking about how much you’ve changed, is all. It’s just… you know, a huge city missing all of its people is pretty mysterious, huh? Don’t you want to do more exploring? Poke around a bit and take in the sights? Like we used to—just one last time?”
There was an unsettling period of silence where Yukari stared straight through Mima with that flat look. She averted her eyes for a passing moment. When Yukari returned her gaze to Mima, it was steely and cold. “No. Neither of us are kids anymore. We have duties and responsibilities that we can not abandon. Not for anything.”
Yukari brushed past Mima. The gesture wasn’t very rough at all, but Mima felt it come at her hard. As Yukari opened the door, she looked back at Mima and gestured to her to follow.
“Let’s go.”
Orin did not want much from life.
There was Satori, her master, who she cared about deeply. There was Okuu, her best friend, who she loved. There was Koishi, the younger sister of her master, who she felt obligated to take care of. And of course, there was her job of transporting corpses, which she could do endlessly and without tiring. Those things more or less encompassed everything she cared about—Orin was a simple person.
So as she crawled out the emergency hatch located at the top of the ship her master had so recklessly buried into a sand dune, she couldn’t help but feel so hopelessly out of her depth. With a groan, she hoisted herself over the lip of the hatch before losing her balance and tumbling over.
As she tumbled downward, bumping her head against every little edge the ship had on her way down, the visor to her suit cracked and then shattered. But as she flopped down into the warm sand, her arms and legs spread in a state of absolute fatigue, she couldn’t really bring herself to care about the warning tones in her helmet—or the fact she was able to breathe the air here, in what used to be the void. Frankly, all she could think about was how much she wanted to go home.
“Orin! Are you okay?” A familiar voice called from somewhere outside her field of vision. It was followed by the hasty clattering of boots on metal as they no doubt clambered down the ship in a hurry.
All Orin could offer in response was a weak grunt and the extension of a thumbs up.
“Are… are you insane?” Another voice called soon after, all breathless and hoarse. It cracked with exertion, as if it had already been worn out by so much screaming. “Satori, what form of devil possessed you to do that? We could’ve all died!”
Satori, of course, didn’t respond. Not before she entered Orin’s field of view, her own helmet long since thrown away. Her face was etched with a rare look of concern, and she breathed a deep sigh of relief when she saw Orin manage a weak smile. Wordlessly, Satori jostled off the smashed helmet from Orin’s suit and brushed away any remaining debris… before pulling her into a tight embrace.
Orin, dazed and shocked from the crash, could manage little else than to rest her head upon her master’s shoulders as she was pulled in. But through whatever stores of energy she had left, she managed to raise her arms and wrap them around in loose reciprocation.
“I’m okay,” she whispered. “I’m okay.”
Satori pulled back from the hug, but stayed kneeling by Orin’s side. Cautiously, she looked to the horizon, as if she had caught a vanishing glimpse of something stalking them from behind the shifting sands. She extended an elbow for Orin to grab on to. “Let’s go. Can you stand?”
“I… I think so,” Orin mumbled, hooking one of her arms around Satori’s elbow and placing a hand on her shoulder for support. Her master lifted, and in response Orin tried her best to stumble onto her feet, with mixed results. As she straightened herself out with the help of Satori, she heard her bones shift and crackle in strange ways—followed by an absolute lightning strike of localized pain in the leg and the fuzzy static that came to replace it.
After a sharp intake of breath and a pained wince, Orin settled into a decidedly unconvincing posture—she plastered a smile on her face and shifted all of her weight onto the other leg in a poor imitation of nonchalance, but Satori’s face only got graver. It broke Orin’s heart. For a moment, Orin tried to separate herself from her master so she could stand on her own—but Satori only squeezed her in closer, as if she would’ve lost Orin the second she let go.
That didn’t surprise Orin much. She knew better than anyone that the events one year ago were still fresh in her master’s mind. Even now, it haunted her every action, and now the consequences were starting to catch up with everyone involved. But to Orin, that didn’t matter. It never did—not so long as Satori was her master, and Orin was her pet. Satori could march to the deepest pit of Hell, pick a fight with a God, oppose reality itself… and Orin would march along right beside her, no matter what.
Patchouli, on the other hand, did not share the same sentiment. She marched up to the two, at least temporarily uncaring of the fantastical environment they found themselves in, and went straight to airing out her grievances.
“Recklessly engaging with Toyohime like that, against all better logic… one day, and this day might very well come sooner than you think, your obsession with that cursed woman will hurt someone you care about,” Patchouli snapped. As she looked to Orin, whose body was riddled with evidence of blunt trauma, her expression softened. “... It already has.”
“As if we had any other choice. It was our best shot to kill her, once and for all,” Satori replied, stone-faced and cold. “... Besides, let Orin speak for herself. As if you know what she does and doesn’t wish for.”
“... Orin wasn’t the only person who got hurt. Or killed.”
“It just so happens that Eirin conveniently falls outside my definition of ‘people I care about.’ I fail to see the issue.” Satori snorted with disgust, as if offended by the mere implication. Orin wanted to speak up and cut between the fighting, but couldn’t find the strength to oppose her own master. “That aside, who says I was the one who got her killed? She got herself killed, following her own incomprehensible mess of half-baked ideas and strategies. What are you coming at me for?”
“How could you be so cold toward someone like her? Especially since we were all fighting out there together, as comrades? Have you no shame?”
“I’ve no love for her. Not after what she did to my sister.” Satori stared straight into Patchouli’s eyes. Sometimes her master was like this—staring straight ahead through a person, as if judging the content of their soul itself. Sometimes, this was literally the case, given that she made liberal use of her opened third eye. “We might be fighting beside each other, but we’re fighting for completely different things. Yukari, Eirin, Kaguya, even you and I—we’re all fighting for something different. Those are just the facts. Just as it was a fact that Koakuma had darkness in her heart. It’s that kind of fact.”
“How cynical. Aren’t we friends?”
Satori fixed Patchouli with a steady glare as she thought through her answer. Even with an open eye, Orin found her master’s thought process difficult to parse.
“... No. We aren’t,” Satori settled. “It’s not a secret—I’m fighting to get my sister back. I’m fighting to kill the person who turned her into a monster. I’m fighting to protect my family. You are doing none of those things—you’re fighting for a more abstract reason: protecting the world, or preventing human suffering, or whatever other justification you assign to your actions. It’s admirable, but recognize that It’s only by convenience that we’re here, helping each other out.”
“... Is that right?” Patchouli muttered under her breath. “Then if it came between Yukari, or Eirin, or me, or anyone else… and your family. Who would you choose?”
Silence.
“It’s best to be honest with ourselves. It saves us the heartache.”
“I see.”
In the silence that came after, the atmosphere seemed to become heavier. Orin spent each passing beat being suffocated by the pressure. Her eyes darted from Patchouli to her master, and then back again.
“Er…” Orin started. “Let’s ah… could we just figure out what we’re going to do next, maybe? Without fighting—that would be nice.”
“Good plan, Orin,” Satori said. Though strangely enough, she wouldn’t take her eyes off of Patchouli. “I’m not quite sure what we would do without you.”
Patchouli looked away. Orin couldn’t help but feel vaguely responsible—though the second the thought even popped into mind, Satori squeezed a little tighter, as if in reassurance.
“... There’s no use in arguing,” Patchouli said with a heavy sigh. “Or rather, it’s a subject for later, when we aren’t all in danger. For now, I agree—we should figure out our next steps.”
The guns had long since run quiet.
Those satellites—their powerful bodies forged by the greatest minds, cast in the strongest metals, and mounted with the fiercest weapons humanity could muster—how could they have possibly matched the horror of God’s wrath? They could never, and for their hubris, their bodies and their souls were scattered and broken as a million glittering lights upon the ocean.
Those were the kinds of things Kaguya Houraisan thought about as she sat beside a flickering fire, her only source of light deep in the darkness of a desert night, not a few meters from the turned and battered wreckage of the CNS Beyond the Sun. In the void, It was battered by unseen force, turned three times—and upon the fourth, struck down and consumed by the void, as was the divine will of God. To its crew, it might have seemed like nothing less than a castigation of divine nature—but Kaguya knew it was nothing more than the temper tantrum of a child. As infant children must necessarily cry, Koishi must necessarily kill—it was her unconscious will.
Woe upon humanity, as its greatest accomplishment was brought low and made worthless before a child. Her own child. What a dubious honor it was—being the mother of such a terrifying, omnipresent killer.
Kaguya was on the ship when it was attacked by Toyohime. She was there to see Eirin march on to meet her. And she was there to see her die. It didn’t bother Kaguya too much—after all, she had watched Eirin die countless times. She will likely watch her die countless more, before all is said and done. But it was there, seized by the temporary shock, that Kaguya lost consciousness. When she woke up, she was deep within the fresh wreckage of humanity’s greatest weapon—alone. On what happened to her crew, and why Kaguya was spared, she could only make guesses.
With no direction and no plan, Kaguya spent what felt like hours wandering the claustrophobic halls of that great metal cage of a ship. But she was alone. Alone in such a way that not even the impression of humanity remained. Even the spot where she saw three men become atomized by Toyohime’s attack, which had burnt dark impressions of their silhouettes into the steel, was mysteriously void of any sign they were killed at all. The damage remained, but the people were gone—erased from existence in a way only God could manage.
When she eventually emerged from the dark recesses of the ship into a darker night, with nothing but the stars above and the inexplicable ground below, she could do nothing but start a simple fire. The night was cold, and she had a feeling it would be long. Warmth would be needed.
This, alone and huddled by a dying fire, must have been the end. Kaguya shifted closer to the flame, and held her knees closer to her chest. She didn’t know what to do. When her own daughter had sought her out, she didn’t know what to say. All she could do was recognize—that in pursuit of an easy life, she had made things so much worse. She wondered if it was too late to make things right between herself and Koishi. If Kaguya had looked up to her daughter now, and said sorry, would she hear? Would she care?
She wasn’t sure. And she wasn’t sure if she wanted to find out.
As she stared at the stars above, Kaguya heard the shuffling of boots displacing the sand. The sounds came in an irregular, halting motion. When it came to a stop, Kaguya lowered her gaze to the figure who stood at the edge of her fire’s light.
A moon rabbit in a pilot suit, all ripped up, tattered, and blackened by combat. In the gaps of her suit, her skin had melted away from severe burns—and froze in place, creating large patches of gangrenous tissue that covered her body. As Kaguya’s eyes drifted downward, she noticed a patch of body that had a view to the other side. Somehow, by some miracle of medicine, the wound remained stable and closed.
Her face was concealed by her helmet, tinted and patterned by a spider web of cracks, but by the way she stood, so still and lopsided, Kaguya had the impression of an empty gaze just behind the facade.
The moon rabbit carried in her left hand a revolver, its chambers empty and on display as the mechanism that connected the grip to the top half of the hung loose. In her other hand, was an ax, splintered in half at the handle from excessive use and its blade caked in a thick layer of blood.
Without a word, the moon rabbit collapsed into a heap by the fire.
Kaguya rushed to the moon rabbit’s side and, upon removing her helmet, froze.
Atonement—she wondered if it was even possible.
Previous Chapter:
Interim Chapter 11

Ok so I have been in a Curse of Strahd campaign with my friends. I have been running a Ghostslayer Bloodhunter with the Haunted One background.
(Character Lore dump to explain why my character did what he did. Feel free to skip.)
Jarem's father was obsessed with progression of the human body. So much so that he forced his own wife to be the test subject, and when she inevitably passed from such experiments, Vayne was next in line as a test subject for his fathers cruel work. His father was researching how far the human body could take pain, what the side effects were, and what powers one could gain. Vayne's father theorized that by forcing ones body to produce adrenaline, one could gain superhuman like abilities. Through these experiments, Jarem's father discovered the ability of the human body to gain power by causing harm to ones self, Hemocraft. As a boy Jarem was quiet, lonely, and obident to his father. However, over time Jarem became more and more hardened and violent. One day his father decided to conduct the ultimate experiment, the ultimate blood sacrifice, opening the human heart. The pain and pent up trauma was too much for Jarem to bear, and in a fit of uncontrolable fear, Jarem killed his father. Because of the abuse from his father, Jarem latches onto any friendship or company he can find. While Jarem tries his best to be charasmatic and friendly, his past trauma causes a rift in his personal relationships which makes it difficult for him to make true friends, and simultaneiously makes him vulnerable to exploitation. Jarem is haunted by his past trauma, but despite it he is a deeply empathetic man at heart and desires companionship and love in any form.
In our last session our party briefly split, me and another player came across a statue of the Morning Lord next to a body of water which seemed to have some magical properties.
Wanting to be rid of his Trauma, Jarem entered the water and his "curse" was killed and so was he in the process.
However, when Jarem regained consciousness his physical scars from his fathers experiments started healing, as well as partial memory loss from his "past life"
Because of this My DM and I decided I'm now Undead (but using the Reborn race. Just saying its undead for flavor) and Because of this expereince Jarem has lost his Hemocraft abilities. However, He know is an Echo Knight.
So I tell you all this because

1. I thought it was a really cool session and wanted to share lol
2. I need help finding a good background for my "new" character. Any good backgrounds for undead? Some sort of resurrection type backgroud?