Lowes vanities

I finally woke up, and I don't like it.

2023.03.25 08:30 panictolovers I finally woke up, and I don't like it.

I, 25F, am obese.
I knew that. I logically know what will help it. I logically know that it is my fault and that I am ruining my moment.
However, I'm an emotionally driven person.
I am short (5ft/60cm). I used to climb everything, having a tall husband negated that need for a while. Well, I needed to climb and...I couldn't.
I was in so much pain. My wrists couldn't hold my weight and my knees buckled. I couldn't even bend over without holding my breath. I panicked, hard, about my situation.
I finally realize that I am truly fat. This isn't vanity or low self-esteem. This is the truth and I came to it emotionally. Before this, my brain would think I was smaller than I was at times.
In the mirror, I finally took it all in. The stretch marks, the redness, my swollen hands and feet, my lack of a chin. When I went to put on shoes I couldn't reach my feet or I had to hold my breath and strain. I'm still freaking out inside that I let it get this bad!
I have nobody to blame but myself. I am scared, but too paralyzed to cry.
submitted by panictolovers to loseit [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 22:32 lunabear_07 Has anyone gone off and then gone back on if they needed to?

I've been on Lamotrigine for almost a year for bipolar 2.
It's affecting my skin but I'm concerned that it's changing it. I think it might be thinning my hair. I'm developing nodules that aren't acne nodules, but just nodules. I had two on my neck that went away with some betaderm but I have one on my forehead that I can't use betaderm on because you can't use it on the face and hydrocortisone isn't doing anything. It's right smack dab in the middle of my forehead and I know there's a bit of vanity in going off of a medication because of skin, but I can kind of see more developing and it's making me concerned about what this is doing to my body. I've also had what my physiotherapist thinks are nerve issues on the right side of my upper body that have gotten worse since I've been on this. It might be correlation and not causation, but I've never had these kinds of issues with my skin. My eyesight has also drastically gotten poorer in the past 6 months.
Given that it can cause Steven Johnson's syndrome or TENs (which I don't have), I'm concerned about what it's doing to my body.
I'm going to talk to my doctor today about it, but it's a hard decision to think about going off of it because it has helped immensely. At this point, given that I've done so much therapy, and given that implementing CBT and DBT is now like second nature, I'm wondering if I would be able to handle the highs and lows without medication. The thing is, I am in the only relationship that's ever been good and I am in my early 40s. I've also never felt level and I do now (except for a bit of emotional numbing which I know is caused by the medication because it wasn't there before). I don't know how much of the good relationship is the person I'm with and previous therapy and learned skills and inner peace or how much of that is medication. Choosing to gamble on that is a really hard decision.
For anyone with bipolar that has gone off of it and tried to just be off of medication, how did that go for you? For anyone who went off of it, but couldn't stay off of it, was it successful going back on it?
submitted by lunabear_07 to lamictal [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 18:19 Bubzoluck [15 min read] Heavy Metal (not the music) rocks! - A look at Heavy Metals and their effects on the body

[15 min read] Heavy Metal (not the music) rocks! - A look at Heavy Metals and their effects on the body
Hello and welcome back to SAR! Here’s a riddle for you: what goes in like a ball, causes a massive release, and then comes out as a ball? Well its a ball of lead that people would swallow to cause diarrhea to overcome constipation! As horrifying as that sounds, that isn’t the worst thing that lead was used for but the topic of toxic metals in medicine is an extremely interesting topic. Metals are trace elements in the body meaning that they are found in milligram amounts (total)—even Iron only reaches a few grams in total (and in women its only about 300 mg due to menstruation). Because of this, the overconsumption of certain essential metals can cause issues such as copper, iron, and cobalt but what about the metals in which we should have none of? The truly toxic metals are an enigma because in many ways they are chemically similar to other metals but for one reason or another they cause death through horrible mechanisms rather than promulgate health. So let’s step into the age of heavy metals and figure out why lead was just so delicious!

Consider the hateful brew compounded with gleaming, deadly white lead whose fresh color is like milk

Every conversation about toxic metals should start with Lead. Lead is a soft and malleable metal that has a relatively low melting point (327.46C or 621F) allowing it to be easily extracted from its ores. But in order to talk about Lead we have to talk about its sister element, Silver. Silver is a rare metal on Earth and is mostly found in its free “native Silver” form meaning that miners can find stripes of Silver metal trapped in rock. That being said Silver veins are incredibly rare and the majority of Silver is found in minerals as an alloy with other metals meaning that refining the Silver out of the rock is required. Sometime around 7000 BCE early civilizations invented the process called Cupellation in which pieces of rock slag are heated in devices called Cupels in which Silver could be separated from the other alloyed metals. Where do we find a good amount of Silver? In the ore Galena which also contains copious amounts of Lead.

  • So in the pursuit of wealth via Silver, humans started to also produce large amounts of Lead as well. The use of Lead is incredibly old and dates back to at least 6500 BCE in which civilizations attempted to find uses for this by-product. The Ancient Egyptians were the first to use lead as cosmetics which was then exported across the Mediterranean where it was adopted by many other cultures. Due to being malleable at a lower temperature, using Lead in tools, coins, decorations was a natural way of taking advantage of this product. By the Classical Era (8th century BC to 5th century AD), Lead was used by many cultures as a durable and rust resistant metal in complex metal workings. Lead tablets were used for writing since it was so malleable and eventually Lead piping became a mainstay in Roman architecture. In fact, many aqueducts were lined in Lead to ensure that water wouldn’t destroy the rock and concrete creations. Lead use was falling but still very prevalent even during the Middle Ages. Although Iron was preferred for tools and architecture, it was easier to work with Lead in situations like roofing and piping. By the Renaissance, Lead was the key metal in producing the printing press and it was Lead that allowed for the distribution of books and materials at a greater rate than ever before. By the industrial revolution it was still in piping but also found its home in paints and many houses built in the 19th and early 20th century contain Lead piping and Lead paint on the walls.

Lead Tetroxide vs Lead Monoxide vs Lead Dioxide vs Lead Carbonate

  • So in that brief summary of the entire use of Lead, there is one thing that should stick out as peculiar. It’s alright I’ll give you a moment to reread the paragraph and see if you can identify the odd-use out. [plays Jeopardy music]. It was used as cosmetics! Like a lot of metals, Lead forms brilliantly colored Oxides or rusts when exposed to air and Lead Acetate is a brilliant white color making it a perfect base to make white cosmetics with. What this meant is that since the Egyptians, Lead was being used in cosmetics to paint the face white as a beauty standard. Perhaps most famously, in 1521 a new product hit the market: Venetian ceruse which was a mixture of Cerussite (a natural Lead Carbonate), vinegar, and water. This created a paste or powder that was applied to skin creating a white complexion which became increasingly fashionable during the 1500-1600s. Elizabeth I of England was the most prolific example of a user and most of her portraits show her with a white countenance. It is thought that she died from chronic Lead poisoning in addition to using Mercury and Arsenic.

  • But Lead cosmetics didn’t last but it wasn’t because of the death of a queen. Back before we had socialities like Oprah and Kim K we had 18th century London socialite Maria Conventry (nee Gunning). She and her two sisters were known as the Three Graces due to their amazing beauty and infectious charisma. According to her diaries, her face started to break out in nasty blisters which would make her apply even more ceruse thus making it worse and worse. Eventually she would die in 1760 at the age of 27 from Lead poisoning from her makeup. What’s strange is that people during this time knew that Lead was dangerous—they fully believed that Elizabeth I died from it and when famous actress Kitty Fisher (who had an affair with Maria Convetry’s husband) also died from the paint, the public referred to them as “”Death by Vanity. If you want to read more about the use of Lead cosmetics read this amazing article by Gigi Alberti.

Lead wine vessel from Late Roman Empire vs Medicine that contained Lead Acetate for sweetness
  • So here’s a question for you: why did so many Roman emperors and nobles have to adopt instead of having their own children? Other than its use on the face, Lead was also used in food pretty liberally. Now it was known that acute ingestion of lots of lead did cause paralysis and seizures but people did not realize that chronic exposure of tiny amounts was just as dangerous. Originally it was thought that the use of Lead pipes was a natural way for Lead to slowly leach out and into the drinking supply thus infecting people and since only the rich could afford to have plumbing, it made sense that the wealthy had this issue instead of the poor. But there is an issue with this theory: Lead doesn’t leach out of Roman pipes. Now this isn’t to say it never did but unlike 19th and 20th century Lead pipes, the water during Roman times came from mountain sources that were loaded with minerals. These minerals would deposit and coat the inside of the Lead pipes thus preventing direct contact between the pipe and water. In more modern times, because the water came from reservoirs or lakes, there was much less mineral content and so the chance of getting Lead leaching was much higher. So if it wasn’t the pipes, what was making it hard to get babies for the upper Roman echelons?
    • Well the wine. “Wine?” you say, “there is Lead in wine?” Well normally no, grape vines are unable to pick up Lead from the ground and transfer it into the fruit but it is possible if you artificially flavor the wine. Another form of Lead is Lead Acetate which has the peculiar property of being fairly sweet. In a time when natural sources of sugar was lacking, adding “sugar of Lead” was an easy way of making bad wine taste better. This was done by cooking sapa, which is grape juice before fermenting, in Lead containers to sweeten the wine as it matures. Sapa comes from the Latin sapio which means “to taste good.” So back to our original question; since only the rich could afford to drink wine daily, they were ingesting Lead constantly and thus causing disruptions to their reproductive ability.
    • This property of Lead is also why kids would eat Lead paint when it was used on walls and toys in the 18th and 19th century. Like the carbonate salt, Lead Acetate was also very white meaning it was a perfect base for mixing paint colors but it had the added property of being sweet. So when children inevitably put the object in their mouth, they’d taste something sweet and then want more of it thus ingesting a lot of Lead.

  • So what does Lead actually do to the body? Lead poisoning, also called Plumbism from the Latin Plumbum which was the ancient word for Lead, can be either acute (large amounts in a short amount of time) or chronic (large amounts over a long period of time). Both would cause the same symptoms but the more severe symptoms are seen quicker in the acute setting due to the higher exposure. Lead needs to enter the body through a mucous membrane (or if it’s in a liquid it can dissolve through the skin) so ingestion and inhalation are the two biggest pathways. In fact, 35-40% of inhaled lead compounds deposits in the lungs and 95% of that inhaled amount enters the bloodstream (is this a bad time to bring up that gasoline contained Tetraethyllead from the 1920s to 1993 and are now required to be unleaded). By ingestion, only about 15% of the Lead is absorbed but that number increases in children (up to 50%), pregnant women (up to 65%) and people with calcium, zinc, or iron deficiencies (up to 80%).
    • See Lead can mimic very important minerals in our body and replace them. Calcium, Zinc, and Iron all have a natural charge of +2 in the body which Lead can mimic and thus be swapped out for them. This means that absorbed Lead can be swapped for Calcium in the teeth or bone (being stored for months to years), Zinc in the lungs, and Iron where there is a high concentration of red blood cells (which normally contain Iron to carry oxygen but are swapped with Lead). This means that places like the Brain, Kidneys, Spleen, and Liver accumulate Lead quickly.
    • Once in the tissues, Lead starts to do damage immediately. It prevents the correct synthesis of DNA and cell membranes causing dysfunctional cells, produces free radicals which rip apart protein structures, and prevents the work of key enzymes. One of the key vitamins hurt by Lead is Vitamin D which makes up the cell membrane leading ot very fragile red blood cells likely to burst. Because it swaps for Calcium, children are at particular risk for Lead accumulation since the body craves Calcium to build bone. It can also harm developing immune systems and may be a reason for childhood asthma. Most importantly, Lead passes through the blood brain barrier and substitutes for Calcium in neurons. It then sits in the pores for the neurons preventing their function and eventually kills them. The end result: neuronal death and prevention of growth.

Green with Envy and with Arsenic

Next up we have Arsenic. The word is derived from Syriac zarnika where zar means gold and nikh is colored after the gold-colored mineral Orpiment. Like Lead, Arsenic is found in many ores and was often mixed into early Bronze alloys to make it stronger (called arsenical bronze). Arsenic was first isolated from its minerals as a pure element in 815 and then again in 1250 by heating soap with Arsenic Trisulfide. Unlike Lead, we have known Arsenic is poison since we have discovered it and is known as the “King of Poisons.” Hippocrates described colic (general malaise) of miners who mined the metal and this knowledge was passed down to other famous early physicians. Arsenic is odorless and tasteless so it makes it an easy poison to slip into food or wine and the symptoms would initially look like food poisoning (diarrhea, vomiting) but would eventually progress to paralysis and death. By the Renaissance, Arsenic was a favorite poison among the elite and was the go to substance for the Borgias. In France, Arsenic was known as the “inheritance powder” due to its ability to bring about an early end and a quick windfall. But this begs the question: if it was known as a poison and was used so greatly, why was it so accessible to get Arsenic? The answer is in how it works.

  • Arsenic is extremely similar to Nitrogen and Phosphorus in function, meaning it can replace them in the body during normal functioning. This has two major implications: firstly, Arsenic replaces Phosphorus in the formation of Acetyl-CoA in the Krebs Cycle preventing the cell from generating energy for itself. Likewise it replaces Nitrogen in proteins and DNA meaning that you create very unstable and very destructive Arsenic compounds hell bent on degrading everything around it. A build of reactive oxygen species causes so much oxidative stress inside the molecule that it eventually causes the cell to burst open and die. The reason why Arsenic is more toxic than Lead is probably because Lead replaces minerals in the body at a very slow rate while Arsenic actively and progressively destroys the structures its incorporated in—or in other words it damages a protein or piece of DNA and then causes a cascade of damage while Lead tends to just sit there.

  • The symptoms of Arsenic poisoning once again depends on if its an acute or chronic exposure. The first symptoms to appear is headaches, severe diarrhea, and drowsiness. If a large dose is administered, the stomach lining dissolves and the person starts to vomit blood and the kidney starts to hemorrhage blood into the urine. Eventually it reaches the brain where it causes convulsions and heart attacks. Chronically the small doses of Arsenic start to cause cumulative damage that slowly gets worse and worse until finally it causes heart failure, kidney failure, and/or liver failure. The first symptoms would be hair loss and hyperkeratosis (darkening of the skin in thick black lesions). Because Arsenic destroys the sulfurous bonds in collagen and in the hair, someone can start to smell like garlic. Likewise during Arsenic exposure the nail growth is interrupted and brittled causes Mee’s Lines (not to be confused with Beau’s Lines which are a sign of nail injury or Muehroke’s Lines which is due to low protein, both of which are NOT signs of metal poisoning).
    • Remember that Arsenic is toxic to DNA so cells that divide quickly would be very sensitive to Arsenic poisoning. Stomach, hair, and skin cells all would be effected quickly which is why we see their effects first. The disruption to DNA is also a mature promoter of cancer which may mask the true Arsenic poisoning behind a misdiagnosis.
  • Now I could talk all about the famous poisonings linked to Arsenic: Francesco the First de’Medici (1587), George III of Great Britain (1820), Napoleon Bonaparte (1821), Simon Bolivar (1830), King Faisal I of Iraq (1933) and many many more. But really the story would be the same: person does something someone doesn’t like, the target enjoys some food, target dies. Bish bash bosh. But really the more interesting tale is how people used this KNOWN POISON as an everyday commodity.

Portraits of Queen Elizabeth I which inspired the look among courtiers
  • During the Elizabethan era, once people figured out that women were dying from Lead-filled Venetian ceruse, a new product needed to replace the deadly cosmetic. The replacement was a mixture of vinegar, chalk, and Arsenic which was mixed into a paste and applied in very thick layers to get that white face complexion. Remember that Arsenic causes a darkening of the skin which would have necessitated more Arsenic powder. And just because I want to really drive home how insane beauty standards were during this time, here are the other things that were added for the perfect look in order to mimic Queen Elizabeth’s chosen look. To get a red lip, a lipstick made from the ore Cinnabar would be grinded and mixed with oil and then applied to the lips—Cinnabar is the ore that contains Mercury. Since her face was smeared in white poison, Elizabeth would draw back on her eyebrows in thin high arches and paint eyeshadow using a gray ore Stibnite which is where we get Antimony, another toxic metal. Likewise the wide-eyed fair maiden look would be achieved by administering eye drops of Belladonna (which means beautiful woman) also known as Deadly Nightshade. This plant is a muscarinic antagonist and does dilate the eyes which would cause light blindness and make the world exceptionally blurry (if not just make you blind outright). Oh and remember that all this stuff was incredibly expensive so it was worn for upwards of a week to make the most of the product before being washed off with a solution of lemon juice, mercury, egg whites, honey and alum (aluminum/potassium). Oh by the way, alum causes hair loss.


  • But makeup wasn’t the only place we saw Arsenic. During the Victoria era, England opened the Levant Arsenic Mine in Cornwall which was the largest supplier of Arsenic worldwide. During this period in time, coal was king and the coal-fired range stove was the standard for many middle- and upper-class kitchens. Using coal caused it to billow into the home creating a thick layer of coal dust on all surfaces, including the walls. During this time cheap mass produced commodities became accessible for the middle-class meaning that the idea of wealth could be brought home, if you could see it under the grime. This meant that brightly colored objects were favored over their duller, paler counterparts. In 1775, Carl Wilhelm Scheele invented a new green dye and became an instant hit—before it the only way to get green anything was using grass or dark green stems of certain flowers making it a tedious and seasonal driven dye. With this new artificial dye made of Copper and Arsenic, green could be easily mixed and applied into paint, or more popularly, wall paper. Green wallpaper became the biggest thing since…well whatever the 18th century equivalent of sliced bread is. Eventually in 1814 Scheele’s Green would be improved by two chemists Russ and Sattler who came up with the even more famous and even more brilliantly green Viridian Green (aka Paris Green, Emerald Green, Schweinfurt Green, etc.). By the mid 1800s Arsenic was used in red, yellow, blue, and magenta dyes. Well at least they weren’t applying it to their skin right?
    • Well yes and no. Yes it wasn’t on their skin but it was being applied in almost every room in the house. See Copper Arsenate has this peculiar property in which it flaked off in humid conditions (of which England is famous for). So people would go down to their parlor room and be enjoying the Sunday Times when they would start to develop headaches, confusion, and generally feel unwell. Overtime, people started to avoid the wallpapered parts of their home entirely until eventually people realized that it was the Arsenic in their wallpaper that caused the issue. Fortunately many countries started to ban the wallpaper and places like Sweden, France, and Germany banned it in the early 1830s. Britain however…well wallpaper was a major product on the island (between 1834 and 1874 there was a 2,615% increase in wallpaper sales) so it wouldn’t be until 1889 that the UK government would ban the use of Arsenic wallpaper. So slowly overtime people were being poisoned by more and more Arsenic and slowly being killed. Just another example of “how the hell did we as a species survive all this time?”

  • The incredibly famous short-story “The Yellow Wallpaper” by Charlotte Perkins Gilman was published in 1892 in The New England Magazine. It is a [spoilers ahead, you should really read it it's amazing] collection of journals entries from the protagonist, a young woman whose physician husband rented an old mansion. In order to treat her “nervous depression,” the husband forbids writing or working and locks her in the nursery which is wallpapered in yellow. Over the course of the story it is revealed the length at which she is imprisoned: barred windows, metals ring in the walls, floor is ‘scratched and gouged and splintered,’ bed bolted to floor, but she blames the children who must have lived in the mansion. The narrator describes the wallpaper in the room as ‘sickly’ and its ‘yellow’ smell and how its leaves yellow smears on her skin and clothes. She describes how the longer she stays there, the more the wallpaper mutates. Believing that the wallpaper is trapping a woman in the walls, she rips the wallpaper off. When her husband returns home that day, she refuses to open the door and is seen creeping along the wall fully believing that she is the woman trapped in the walls. “The Yellow Wallpaper” is largely considered one of the first pieces of horror fiction and is an excellent short read. I highly recommend it!


Every cloud has a silver lining but a person’s silver lining turns them blue

Our last metal that we will take a look at is Silver whose Latin name is Argentum which means ‘shiny’ or ‘white.’ Silver has long been a coveted metal as I talked about earlier with Lead and due to its rarity it really wasn’t wasted. Unlike Lead or Arsenic which were a) abundant and b) not valued as highly, Silver became a mineral that you did not waste. The story of Silver in medicine begins with Herodotus (484-425 BC), the Father of History, who said that no Persian king would drink from a water vessel if it was not made from Silver. Likewise we have evidence that the ancient Phoenicians, Greeks, Romans, and Egyptians all used Silver in the preparation of food and drink. In fact the use of Silver in preservation of foodstuffs was practiced right up through WWII. And the question is why?
  • Short answer: Silver is antibacterial. Slightly longer answer: it’s antibacterial and is not toxic to humans. Most metals are toxic to bacteria and will kill a good amount of what it comes in contact with, even metals like Lead and Arsenic have a pretty good killing capacity. The catch is that we have known that these metals are toxic for millennia, the ancients knew Lead could kill and cause adverse symptoms, but the poorer classes couldn’t afford to make pots and pans out of Silver which is not toxic to humans. Okay it can still be toxic otherwise I wouldn’t be talking about it here but compared to Lead or Arsenic, Silver is basically inert. The first clear use of Silver is reported by Avicenna in 980 AD who used Silver filings as a blood purifier and to prevent heart palpitations. The Persians would also use the filings to cure bad breath. In 1520, Paracelsus used Silver on wounds to treat wounds which is still practiced to this day as a way of making sure wounds don’t get infected. Later during the beginnings of mental health treated, alchemists used Silver as a way to purge the body of spirits or humors that were causing lunacy or epilepsy. Back in those days, the seven planets were connected ot the seven days of the week and to seven areas of the body—Silver became connected to the moon and brain hence Lunatic being derived from the word luna meaning moon and us using the description “The Silver Moon.” By the 1700s it was discovered that Silver prevented epilepsy after a patient swallowed a silver coin that was being used to prevent the patient from biting their tongue. Today we know this does nothing.

  • What’s really interesting is the early pioneering days of North America. In the New World there was no established methods of preserving food so pioneers would drop Silver coins into transport vessels to preserve water. This eventually morphed into people dropping coins into milk jugs to reduce spoilage. More prosperous families used Silver utensils and plates and would develop a distinct blue hue to their skin. This blue hue became associated with nobility and they became known as “blue bloods” and surprisingly these individuals survived pandemics better than non-blue people. To this day we still see examples of people who have Argyria or an accumulation of Silver in the body. Silver forms a blue-grey compound when it comes in contact with sulfur in the body which form microscopic deposits in the skin turning it blue.
    • Generally people develop localized Argyria if they are using a Silver based product on their skin or eyes but inhaling or swallowing large amounts of silver over a long time can cause a generalized blueing. In previous centuries this could be seen in people who manufacturer Silver products and inhale the shavings but we saw a rise in people turning blue during the Y2K panic in which people believed that antibiotics would be unavailable. In reaction to this, people starting to drink Colloidal Silver, an antiseptic that is not intended for chronic ingestion. Likewise in 2007 a man named Paul Karason [right] purposefully turned his skin blue after drinking homemade Colloidal Silver to treat his sinusitis, dermatitis, and acid reflux. At the time he claimed it was extremely effective but would die of a heart attack in 2013 (he was a known smoker and underwent a triple bypass surgery in 2008).
  • So how does Silver work on bacteria? Well there are 4 main mechanism in which it causes bacterial death:
    • 1) Firstly it adheres to the cell membrane and starts to alter the membrane structure. Slowly the Silver starts to attach to important Peptidoglycan cross links and inhibit the fluidity of the membrane thus causing rigid sections that pull apart from each other. Likewise it impairs transport of needed nutrients from outside the cell into the cell effectively starving it.
    • 2) Next it penetrates into the nucleus of the cell and other organelles where it starts to rip them apart. In the Mitochondrion, it prevents the proper generation of energy and so the cells die. In the ribosomes it prevents proteins from being formed meaning damage cannot be repaired. In the nucleus it forms new bonds with DNA and rips in two thus killing the control center of the cell.
    • 3) As if it wasn’t bad enough, Silver (like other metals) creates oxidative species that start to rip apart the smaller structures of the cells causing a cascade of antibacterial action.
    • 4) And most importantly, it prevents the bacteria from communicating with other nearby bacteria that something is wrong. Not that the bacteria could flee but instead prevents them from making spores or toxins that could potentially resisting the medication.

  • One of the most common formulations you'll see of Silver is Silver Sulfasalazine, an antibacterial cream that is applied to wounds to help prevent fresh wounds from getting infected. Now before you start hoarding Silver Sulfasalazine to extract the Silver, know that in this 50g tub there is only 16mg of Silver total—that’s about $0.01. The tub itself costs about $10 so you’d make more money just selling it as medicine. Another great product is Silver Impregnated Dressings which has microscopic filings of Silver integrated into the fibers. The dressings can then be laid on a wound and help keep it dry and provide antibacterial effects.
Regardless of what metal enters our body, I just want you to think of one thing: just don’t ingest Mercury.
submitted by Bubzoluck to SAR_Med_Chem [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 07:57 LooseLipsSinkShips21 LIP SYNC: (UK Final Four) Take On Season 15 - Episode 12: Wigloose-The Rusical

LIP SYNC: (UK Final Four) Take On Season 15 - Episode 12: Wigloose-The Rusical

"Ladies....that will go down as one of he best rusicals ever to grace this stage. Well done all.
Now...I have made the following decisions.....b
Lawrence Chaney. Kitty Scott-Claus. Tayce. The Vivienne. You four gave life to these performances. However, one of you....really stole the spotlight....
The Vivienne...Condragulations. You are the winner of this weeks challenge and earnt a tip of $5,000.
Lawrence Chaney. Kitty Scott-Claus. Tayce. Great job this week. You are SAFE.
Which means. Cheddar Gorgeous. Danny Beard. I'm sorry my dears....but you are UP FOR ELIMINATION"


submitted by LooseLipsSinkShips21 to RPDRfantasyseason [link] [comments]

2023.03.23 18:10 Objective_Campaign82 Sins of the Father Ch20 (Hellworlder pirates 2)

Despite her hate for the Union, Aster had to admit, they were incredible engineers. She had seen plenty of Union stations, made of standardized sections constructed in the core and shipped across the galaxy. But Unity was on a whole different scale.
It was the size of a small moon, but unlike a certain moon sized planet killer, this station was hollow on the inside and home to half a billion people. It was a mega-project that tried to encompass everything the Union stood for, commerce, protection, and the peaceful inhabitation of every species. Almost every known species in the galaxy called Unity home, and the station went out of its way to accommodate all forms of life. Including the rare Lithoid and Toxoid species.
As the Astaroth exited the immense inter-sector gate their entire field of vision was filled with the flow of millions of ships. Their scanners became so full of contacts that the screen was totally filled. It was like a massive school of fish all swarming around one object. There were a few big bare patches were a massive multi-kilometer super freighter was maneuvering, and from a casual glance Astarte guessed there were at least a hundred of those slowly drifting into port. Standing still like buoys, Union cruisers gently corralled the streaming ship traffic into several generalized directions. And on the edges of all the action, Union Battleships stood guard over the station and its nearby space. Piracy was a rampant concern in the Union, and it was impossible to patrol all possible targets, so the Union just focused its efforts around focal nodes and cleared hyper-lanes.
At the center of all the chaos was Superstation Unity. In-between two relatively quiet stars that orbited each other in a stable binary pattern. It was impossible to clearly make out the polyhedral shape of the station because the whole thing was covered in solar collectors and massive skyscraper sized algae farms. Long spindly arms stretched far away from the station and made stable points for Super Freighters to dock and off load their cargo. The only clear portions of space were the two pentagonal holes that filtered in natural starlight, and smaller incoming ships.
All Union stations had internal berthing for ships smaller than the colossal super freighters to better protect from hit and run pirate attacks. That way any would be raider had to get through the station before they could hit their target. It also made for a more efficient offloading process. Cranes, cargo trains, and ready warehouses could offload a ship in only a few hours.
The Astaroth called into the busy space traffic controller and quickly arranged for a berth large enough, and an indeterminate stay. Then they slowly boosted into one of the traffic lanes and began the slow crawl towards the station. Speed was tightly controlled since one miscalculation could cause a hundred catastrophic collisions.
Aster and the rest of her bridge crew tensed up as they slowly passed only a hundred meters away from a Union cruiser. But the cruiser had no reason to suspect them. Most ships were allowed to fly armed as a deterrent against pirates, so it was perfectly legal for an armed warship to pull into port.
An hour later the ship approached the massive atmospheric retention field and passed through the electric blue layer of energy. Entering into a whole different world.
Above, below, across, and beside them was a megacity on a scale unlike anything Astarte had ever seen. The station was made of thirty-two flat sections, twelve pentagons, and twenty hexagons, forming a truncated icosahedron. Or at least that’s what Karega had called it. Each hexagonal section was home to a massive city. Apartments, utilities, offices, and shopping centers were densely packed onto their plates and connected with the most intricate transit system in galaxy. While the pentagonal sections played host to industrial sectors. Manufacturing, smelting, refinement, ship building, and warehouses. It looked like the shortest and flattest part of the station, but Astarte knew that those buildings went straight through the plate and poked out of the station’s exterior.
On a hexagonal section directly above them a massive silver tower that elevated a smaller hexagonal section into the center of the vast space. This smaller section was covered in wide open green spaces and a massive lake that made for a confusing view as it was directly above them. That was the Core, and it was supported by the Silver Tower that housed the station’s anti matter reactors, gravity generators, and control centers.
The Astaroth pulled in through the rest of the yawning portal and leveled off, now pulling horizontal with the current pentagonal section they were over. She felt an uncomfortable shift in her gut as the station’s gravity briefly interfered with the ship’s. They had booked a berth in industrial section 7, which meant they had to fly over three hexagonal plates.
Her ship was by no means small. The Astaroth was much longer than the original Missouri, or even the Bismarck. But she still felt minuscule against the backdrop of the industrial section, and even smaller against one of the mega-towers of Unity’s habitation sectors. It somewhat reminded her of that time they had dived into the upper atmosphere of a gas giant. Which she realized was the intent.
This station was massive, and a marvel of engineering. But it was also inefficient as fuck with its usage of space. There was so much empty space! A normal constellation array of standard Union stations would have been a much more efficient use of materials. But that was the point.
Like the monarchs who built grand monuments in their own honor. This station was built to aggrandize everything the Union idealized, wealth, power, and vanity. It had been around since the founding of the Union and had been growing with the Union. It had just finished a massive redesign and expansion by the time Earth made first contact, and in another hundred years it would have another.
This was the kind of foe they were facing, one who could waste this much time and resources to make a monument like this. It really hammered home just what kind of opponent they were facing.
Karega stepped up to her side “Impressive isn’t it.” he remarked.
Aster nodded; her normal snark kept in check. “You’ve been here before, right?”
He nodded, which jingled the golden frilly earrings he always wore. “Once, when my parents were still alive. We met with people who had more wealth than some planet’s GDP. At the time I could only marvel at how great the Union was, but now I see something different.”
“Oh?” Aster asked, it was rare to hear her lieutenant to be so introspective.
“Imagine how great things would be if the Union actually stood for the ideals they were founded by. If they really wanted to create one single prosperous galaxy where all sapient creatures could thrive then Earth would never have fallen like it did. We would have been better off without ever meeting the Union. What kind of Utopia is that?”
Aster snorted “I never understood Utopia’s. A world where no one killed, stole, or lied always seemed like a fantasy to me.”
“That’s because you’re a street rat who delights in her vices.” He retorted.
“And that’s the thing, there’s always going to be people like me. And when you concentrate all this wealth and power into one place those people are going to flock to it like moths to a flame, or rats on a corpse. Power doesn’t breed corruption; it just concentrates the inherently corrupt into one place.”
“Ever the pessimist.”
“Expect the worst, hope for better.” She retorted.
They remained in companionable silence as the ship made its way slowly across several city sections before they were above their berth. As they landed Astarte got a glimpse of some dark figure waiting at their mooring ramp. “Looks like we have a welcoming party, anyone you recognize?”
Karega looked out and scowled “Boogieman.” He muttered.
“I’m sorry what?”
He shook his head, “That’s just how Kora described them to me when I was a kid. Officially they’re the Anti Deathworlder crime Unit, a division of the Unity SS built specifically to handle deathworlders. They always where those big black coats and hide their faces with privacy filters, Kora told me to think of them as boogiemen and to never be alone with one. They’d beat a human’s face in for the crime of sneezing.”
“Hmm, I think I should go out to say hello.” Aster said, a mischievous grin pulling at her lips.
Karega sighed “I’ll rouse the horsemen.”
The Arbiter had sneered at the Astaroth after seeing its photo in the file, but they had to admit the real thing was very intimidating. Something within the Arbiter’s human instincts recognized that this ship was deadly. The ships lines were sleek like the edge of a blade, like it could cut through any enemy. The top deck bristled with cannons, auto turrets, and missile launchers. Their first impression of danger was only confirmed as the words on the side became visible, BC-01 Astaroth the Indomitable.
The Arbiter recognized the style of lettering from old photographs of human warships, the bold sharp lettering gave the Arbiter a strong impression of authority and power. This was a warship through and through. Which begged the question how space pirates had gotten their hands on something this imposing?
Could the shape and name be some sort of façade? Was it all for show, or did this ship have the power to back up its threatening visage? The Arbiter had met more than a few lowlifes who had tried to look tough but didn’t live up to their thuggish persona. The Arbiter wanted to believe these pirates were putting on a show and didn’t actually have any power, but some deep primal instincts warned that this ship was dangerous.
Dread stood to the Arbiter’s side; their cloak hiding every aspect of their Balikstro physiology except the height. A low growl that came out and was distorted by the collar “Are you sure these are just merchants?”
The Arbiter glared at the ship as it landed. “No, we have reason to suspect this ship for nefarious business, but those details are classified. For now treat this ship of Deathworlders as highly dangerous and volatile. As soon as it lands we will board and attempt to search and impound them. We can’t let them run about the station as they please.”
Dread tensed even more. They both knew exactly what wasn’t being said, but Dread knew that the Arbiter wouldn’t say anymore.
They and the other ADCU officers stood their ground as the dry dock’s mooring ramp linked with the ship’s upper deck, the moment it touched down the Arbiter stormed forward. But as soon as their foot touched the ramp a hatch on the ship swung open and a tall human female strode out and stood at the end of the ramp.
The women in question wore a maroon plate armor in the style of samurai armor the Arbiter had only seen on display in their parents’ home. She even had the two swords at her hips, a katana and wakizashi from the looks of it. She had dark black hair that fell like black silk and her eyes were deep black pools of midnight. One of her eyes was crossed with a crooked scar, marring her otherwise beautiful porcelain doll-like face. She wore an amused smirk as she stood in the Arbiter’s way, and the Arbiter could have sworn the woman’s eye had flashed red for a second.
First the ship had tipped off the Arbiter that something strange was afoot, but this woman confirmed that these deathworlders weren’t your average criminal. The women’s appearance and get up should have looked comical, but much like the sleek grey ship she gave off an air of danger. The samurai armor should have looked out of place, but instead the woman wore it like it was the most natural thing to wear in the age of faster than light technology. And the noticeable cuts, scrapes, burns, and dents told the Arbiter that this armor had seen more than its fair share of battle.
And those swords. The Arbiter had seen Judge practice his sword play plenty of times to know that in the right hands they could be deadlier than a gun. And something about how the space pirate walked told the Arbiter that she knew what she was doing.
The woman stopped in front of the boarding ramp, her feet slightly apart, and her body loose in the way that said she was ready for a fight.
The Arbiter continued their march before stopping in front of the woman, mere centimeters between them. “Move aside” the Arbiter ordered.
A slim eyebrow crept up, “I’m sorry but who are you? Because unless you are port officials here to check our cargo I’m afraid your trespassing.” She said smoothly. Her tone was polite, but unyielding.
“I am Officer Arbiter of the Anti-deathworlder crime unit.” The Arbiter began.
“I see, and where’s your warrant?” the pirate interrupted.
The Arbiter blinked in shock under their privacy field “What?”
Her eyebrow crept up a little higher “Well you can’t board my ship without a warrant, and I don’t see a warrant.” Challenge now creeped into her voice, and the Arbiter felt a familiar unease in their stomach. This women was just as tricky and crooked as Alexandra, twisting words to her own intent.
“If you do not move aside I will charge you with obstruction of justice.” The Arbiter growled. They hadn’t had time to attain a warrant, and if this women didn’t step aside they would have to arrest her and continue with their search. It would add a load of paperwork onto the Arbiter’s desk, but so long as they found some evidence of piracy then they could lock these scum up and be done with the whole thing.
“Obstruction of what justice” a new voice croaked out. From the shadows of the hatch an old and withered human male stepped out. He wore a grim gray set of robes that reminded the Arbiter of grave keepers and undertakers. “Because unless you have a valid reason then I’ll have to ask you not to threaten my clients with illegal arrests.”
The Arbiter shifted their glare “And who are you?”
“Mr. Famine will do, I am a recognized personal defense lawyer and I am officially warning you that everything on this deck is being recorded.” The man said softly as he soundlessly stalked over to the women’s side.
Dread stepped up “We are here to carry out an investigation, step aside”
“I see” the lawyer said amiably “Well as soon as you can produce a warrant we’ll be happy to stand aside.” No one moved. “No warrant, well then I’m afraid that we will not allow you to step aboard this ship without one. And since there are no evident crimes being committed in plain view you cannot legally arrest my client since there’s no justice to obstruct.”
The Arbiter felt their anger burn brighter, if there was one thing they hated above all else was people using the law to shield their illegal actions. The law was there to protect normal people and punish criminals like these humans, it wasn’t meant to be a shield against law enforcement. “Why are you acting so suspicious” the Arbiter growled. “if you have nothing to hide then there’s no reason we can’t come aboard.”
The women focused her two black eyes on the Arbiter, and they could have sworn that one of them flashed red “We have nothing to hide, but there’s also no reason for you to come aboard. And I’ll remind you that the assertion of my rights is not probable cause.”
The Arbiter scowled uselessly at the women before promptly turning around and walking down the ramp without a final word.
They could have arrested the two of them and proceeded with their search, but that interaction told the Arbiter something very important. These pirates weren’t stupid, and there likely wasn’t anything for them to find. If they didn’t find anything then these pirates would have all the ammunition they needed to restrict the investigation against them. And if the department tried to back up the Arbiter’s action then the courts would force them to reveal the details of the case and why they suspected this ship of illegal activity. Which would have tipped off Kenzo.
This investigation was getting more and more complicated by the day.
Astarte watched the ‘boogiemen’ stalk away angrily. She had used the UV ability of her eye to peer through the holographic privacy screens to look directly at their faces. The lead one, the Arbiter, was a pretty African women with features that seemed more common in western Africa than the East where Astarte grew up. The one on the left had been a Balikstro without any of the traditional bone plating they wore. The rest were Carkic and Kaydic, but since they hadn’t spoken Aster hadn’t tried to memorize their faces.
Karega stepped up to her side “That was suspicious.”
Aster nodded “They were definitely too forceful; I think they know something. Massacres tend to stir up trouble, they may have learned our names from investigating the massacre of our insurance company.”
“Yeah, unfortunately we’d have to break in to learn what they know. We’re good, but we wont be able to sneak in unnoticed.”
Aster agreed, but the idea of probing the SS for info stayed in her mind. “Too messy, not while we still have other options. Are things all set on your end?”
Karega smiled “Of course, Mr. and Mrs. Heart were happy to hear I’ve come back to Unity all grown up and they’re very interested in our company’s growth.”
She sighed “These people better be worth the hassle.”
“They’ll be closer to the heads of Amaterasu than our under-world connections.”
“I wouldn’t doubt the shadow league if I were you. They likely already know we’re here and why.”
“I promise it’ll be worth the hassle.”
“Whatever, I need to go freshen up. Can’t have the high society of Unity see me in my armor.”
“Oh yes, whatever will they say when they see your wearing last season’s armor” Karega said with mock snobbery.
Aster snorted.
submitted by Objective_Campaign82 to HFY [link] [comments]

2023.03.23 14:46 GearinAU I'm wondering if i should consider TRT - 34M (AUS)

Hi Folks.
First time poster and apologies in advance for the long post.
About 5 years ago i decided i was wasn't happy with my weight and health from stacking on heaps of weight as i settled into my career in IT. In that time i've come down from 130KG to 90KG and took up weight training about 3 years ago.
I was really happy with this progress and obviously health was a big motivator for me, but looking better was also a big drive and motivator along the way.
After i hit 90KG, i stalled with weight loss. i continued to lift weights but i was never able to really shave off the extra 10KG to get to my goal weight. While i was very happy with my progress in strength training, i felt like my body composition was always a bit lackluster. i still carried a fair amount of bodyfat and don't feel like i put on that much muscle, but i understand that is subjective.

I went to my GP and spoke about this, who than referred me to an Endo as there was some curiosity about weather radiotherapy treatment to my eye (retnoblastomia) could have caused some issue with my pituitary gland impacting on hormones. The endo ordered a blood test, sat me down and told me to got through them, and advised everything was in normal range, which was good to hearI left without to much thought about it.
Over the last year had thought from time to time what my levels actually were since i felt like i did exzibit some low T symptoms including fatigue (i often nap after work), occasional periods of low mood and very lacking libido and never get morning wood (i thought the no morning wood was kinda normal as an older adult). After doing some looking around on reddit, found this sub and looked through a lot of old posts. I decided to get a blood tests done.
Levels that came back high
Tes related levels
Calculated Free Testosterone 309.3 pmol/L (255.0-725.0)
Sex Hormone Binding Globulin 15 nmol/L (11-71)
Total Testosterone (Siemens) 11.6 nmol/L (8.3-29) or 328 ng/dL for you guy's in the states. DHEAS 14 umol/L (3.0-10)
There are a lot of other results here but I'm not sure what else is important to share.
My priority is to keep my health in good shape, but i won't lie my physique isn't great and it gets the better of me some times.

I've considered the idea of TRT before, but not sure if it's a good idea or not. I know no one can make that decision but myself. I just don't want my vanity getting in the way of my health if TRT isn't needed and could cause me worse health outcomes over the long term.
I have been training consonantly for about 3 years now doing an upper lower split 4 days a week and do cardio in the form of golf and tennis, sleep is good and i eat well, except i will get take away every Saturday night as a cheat meal.
Appreciate anyone taking the time to have a look and let me know if i should look further into it, cheers lads.
submitted by GearinAU to Testosterone [link] [comments]

2023.03.22 23:43 ihaterootbeer Suggestion: Make the Legendary Curse available in Athena shop for doubloons only

Alright let me spell it out for you swabbies
I got the legendary curse in season 1, before I was a pirate legend
It sat in my vanity chest tucked away until I got pirate legend one or two seasons later
At the time I got 100 renown in season 1, I was such a noob that I thought you could kill BIRDS (I swore to my crewmate that I saw one fall out of the sky after shooting a flock of them)
That cannot possibly be equivalent to someone getting level 105 guardians now. Not even close to the same value of gameplay. Tons of other people including my crewmates unlocked it under the same exact low-gameplay conditions as me. In my strong OPINION, playing during january 2021 is not an achievement. No need to get hostile about that last part please
Simply put, give the Legendary Curse to all pirate legends. Or as a middle ground, make it like level 50 guardian, because it should be a pre-cursor to the Phantom Curse and not 5 levels after it.
submitted by ihaterootbeer to Seaofthieves [link] [comments]

2023.03.22 20:29 Musc3 I work in Lowes Fulfillment. I've had enough. (rant)

I started working as a fulfillment associate for Lowes about a year ago now. The job is pain. I understand that physical and mental exhaustion comes with a job, but this is Lowes. This is retail. The trade off is not worth it.
Because our department does not drive sales, management -- and most other associates-- do not regard us as important. We are disposable. So there isn't much respect regardless of how hard we work.
There is a perception that we are lazy and lack common sense. Because it's an "easy" job that any one without skills or specific knowledge can do. They treat our department like dirt and talk to us like children. Whenever problems arise, it's like "why am I even having to waste my time on this."
We pull installs and deliveries. We get lumber and mulch, stones and grills, vanities and doors. We serve ALL departments. It's not like Harris Teeter or a store that is only half the size of the garden center, where the heaviest thing you'd have to carry is a case of water.
The most grueling part of the work, is when you are the only one there ALL DAY. And this is probably the most infuriating part for me. Because management doesn't see this as a priority, they don't make the hiring decisions needed in order for the department to be a success. They have hired people who are not capable of the physical requirements. Half of our team are part timers who work probably four to six days out of the entire month!!!
This often leads to poor communication, mishandled orders, and one person having to do the work meant for three. God forbid someone call out.
You cannot get curbsides, while fetching someone's special order from the back of receiving, while getting corrugated pipes down from top stock, while a customer is on the phone wanting to know where her toilet order is.
All of this and only one person on our team is certified on power equipment. So what do we do when we need something dropped from topstock? Ask someone else who either 1. doesnt want to help fulfillment. Or 2. Is already busy with customers.
Tl;dr I'm on the job hunt again.
Can anyone else relate? How is fulfillment perceived in your store? Other fulfillment associates, how is it like for you and is it this way across many lowes stores?
submitted by Musc3 to Lowes [link] [comments]

2023.03.22 20:11 ScottyHasTaste Track Records. Sverige 1, EP3.

Track Records. Sverige 1, EP3. submitted by ScottyHasTaste to rupaulsdragrace [link] [comments]

2023.03.22 18:27 Ferelar Bathroom vanity suggestions/tips when I already have a beautiful (but VERY heavy) granite slab?

Hey all, a friend was throwing out a granite slab that is absolutely beautiful and very high quality and I was able to snag. I intend to have it cut to form an extremely nice bathroom vanity countertop for a bathroom rework we're doing. I'd like to replace our current floor mount vanity- despite it being pretty nice wood it has aged and picked up some serious scratches, nicks and wear.
But I haven't replaced a vanity in a VERY long time, so I'm looking for tips regarding what the "in" styles are, as well as any tips on build quality (this granite slab is EXTREMELY heavy, so it's gotta be fairly sturdy as a base; also sadly that probably rules out floating vanities even though I think they look quite nice), as well as any good advice for getting a vanity "base" without a countertop. So far most of the bathroom replacement materials have been from Lowes.
I'm having the slab cut to be 24 inches deep, 46 inches long, with the sink to the right (this is where the current vanity's sink is and where all the plumbing is coming in).
Any tips or wisdom would be much appreciated, thanks in advance!
submitted by Ferelar to HomeImprovement [link] [comments]

2023.03.22 12:25 Trevor_Top_Smoke CEASE YE FROM MAN...

ISAIAH 2:22; Cease ye from man, whose breath is in his nostrils: for wherein is he to be accounted of?
Cease from man. Man is nothing; God is all in all. Man's ways are low, crooked, and leading to death. God's ways are infinitely higher, pure, and leading to life everlasting. Every moment, every breath we take, we cannot keep our own selves alive but are fully in the hands of God. How can we trust in ourselves when we are, in fact, dependent for our very life upon Another?
Teach us our own frailty, what it means that our breath is in our nostrils. Teach us that even the nations are less than nothing and vanity, a drop of a bucket, as the small dust upon the balancing scales that cannot affect the outcome (Isaiah 40:15). Let us cease from confidence in man and in self and put full, unwavering confidence in you, the Rock of our salvation. Amen.
submitted by Trevor_Top_Smoke to Godjustlovesyou [link] [comments]

2023.03.22 12:25 Trevor_Top_Smoke CEASE YE FROM MAN...

ISAIAH 2:22; Cease ye from man, whose breath is in his nostrils: for wherein is he to be accounted of?
Cease from man. Man is nothing; God is all in all. Man's ways are low, crooked, and leading to death. God's ways are infinitely higher, pure, and leading to life everlasting. Every moment, every breath we take, we cannot keep our own selves alive but are fully in the hands of God. How can we trust in ourselves when we are, in fact, dependent for our very life upon Another?
Teach us our own frailty, what it means that our breath is in our nostrils. Teach us that even the nations are less than nothing and vanity, a drop of a bucket, as the small dust upon the balancing scales that cannot affect the outcome (Isaiah 40:15). Let us cease from confidence in man and in self and put full, unwavering confidence in you, the Rock of our salvation. Amen.
submitted by Trevor_Top_Smoke to Testimony4Christ [link] [comments]

2023.03.22 12:24 Trevor_Top_Smoke CEASE YE FROM MAN...

ISAIAH 2:22; Cease ye from man, whose breath is in his nostrils: for wherein is he to be accounted of?
Cease from man. Man is nothing; God is all in all. Man's ways are low, crooked, and leading to death. God's ways are infinitely higher, pure, and leading to life everlasting. Every moment, every breath we take, we cannot keep our own selves alive but are fully in the hands of God. How can we trust in ourselves when we are, in fact, dependent for our very life upon Another?
Teach us our own frailty, what it means that our breath is in our nostrils. Teach us that even the nations are less than nothing and vanity, a drop of a bucket, as the small dust upon the balancing scales that cannot affect the outcome (Isaiah 40:15). Let us cease from confidence in man and in self and put full, unwavering confidence in you, the Rock of our salvation. Amen.
submitted by Trevor_Top_Smoke to PrayerTeam_amen [link] [comments]

2023.03.22 12:23 Trevor_Top_Smoke CEASE YE FROM MAN...

ISAIAH 2:22; Cease ye from man, whose breath is in his nostrils: for wherein is he to be accounted of?
Cease from man. Man is nothing; God is all in all. Man's ways are low, crooked, and leading to death. God's ways are infinitely higher, pure, and leading to life everlasting. Every moment, every breath we take, we cannot keep our own selves alive but are fully in the hands of God. How can we trust in ourselves when we are, in fact, dependent for our very life upon Another?
Teach us our own frailty, what it means that our breath is in our nostrils. Teach us that even the nations are less than nothing and vanity, a drop of a bucket, as the small dust upon the balancing scales that cannot affect the outcome (Isaiah 40:15). Let us cease from confidence in man and in self and put full, unwavering confidence in you, the Rock of our salvation. Amen.
submitted by Trevor_Top_Smoke to Devotion_Today [link] [comments]

2023.03.22 12:23 Trevor_Top_Smoke CEASE YE FROM MAN...

ISAIAH 2:22; Cease ye from man, whose breath is in his nostrils: for wherein is he to be accounted of?
Cease from man. Man is nothing; God is all in all. Man's ways are low, crooked, and leading to death. God's ways are infinitely higher, pure, and leading to life everlasting. Every moment, every breath we take, we cannot keep our own selves alive but are fully in the hands of God. How can we trust in ourselves when we are, in fact, dependent for our very life upon Another?
Teach us our own frailty, what it means that our breath is in our nostrils. Teach us that even the nations are less than nothing and vanity, a drop of a bucket, as the small dust upon the balancing scales that cannot affect the outcome (Isaiah 40:15). Let us cease from confidence in man and in self and put full, unwavering confidence in you, the Rock of our salvation. Amen.
submitted by Trevor_Top_Smoke to Learning_God [link] [comments]

2023.03.22 12:22 Trevor_Top_Smoke CEASE YE FROM MAN...

ISAIAH 2:22; Cease ye from man, whose breath is in his nostrils: for wherein is he to be accounted of?
Cease from man. Man is nothing; God is all in all. Man's ways are low, crooked, and leading to death. God's ways are infinitely higher, pure, and leading to life everlasting. Every moment, every breath we take, we cannot keep our own selves alive but are fully in the hands of God. How can we trust in ourselves when we are, in fact, dependent for our very life upon Another?
Teach us our own frailty, what it means that our breath is in our nostrils. Teach us that even the nations are less than nothing and vanity, a drop of a bucket, as the small dust upon the balancing scales that cannot affect the outcome (Isaiah 40:15). Let us cease from confidence in man and in self and put full, unwavering confidence in you, the Rock of our salvation. Amen.
submitted by Trevor_Top_Smoke to Strikeforce_Prayers4u [link] [comments]

2023.03.21 20:18 Sethhann Ashamed of my past behaviour and don't know how to move forward - BPD traits?

I’m almost certain after my behaviour over the past two years that I have BPD but have only a diagnosis of ADHD despite telling mental health team.
I had a very upsetting and painful relationship with someone that made me feel really bad about myself. I hit out and had a mental breakdown, no I don’t feel like I can live my life because of who the person is and what they have made up about me on top of my already (true) crazy… I don’t really know what to do because I have really good friends in the city I live in but know that anything I do can and will be cancelled by this person.
oh goddddd, so I have a diagnosis of ADHD and not BPD but I did some crazy shit to someone I dated - so I reckon I do have BPD/ I was suffering from psychosis/ super low self esteem + trauma.
Context:Me - 26F Her 32F (I’ll use R to refer to hr)
I was living in my van at the time, really down and out - low sel esteem felt like i had nothing to offer.
She has a fancy salon on the main st in the area where kinda everyone i know in the city is/ DJs at the radio station across the st from r’s salon. To get anywhere you need to walk past her salon or try to avoid it. She knows all the big names etc and is like semi -famous.
Basically I was going through a bit of a rough time - had been struggling with homelessness for a while and that had gotten me into tricky situations which I didn't realise were probably leaving a mark on me. I hadn't been back in the UK for that long, having lived in Greece working in the camps for a while until covid happened and i experienced burnout and got back into drugs when trying to make new friends since i'd been abroad for so long. I sobered up and sorted myself out a bit and went and lived in my van tree-planting and having a nice time.
Anyways, I wasn't really into dating at that point but had dating apps and got talking to someone. Straight away she was really telling me loads about herself and so I opened up to over messages etc, she'd voice note and send pictures asking me to identify mushrooms she'd picked and asked me my opinions/ knowledge about intellectual topics etc, and basically seemed to have a lot in common with me/ wanted similar things.
We don't meet for a while because I'm flaky and always on the move. We finally meet, she comes to a friends house where i sometimes went when I was in the city (i lived in my van remember) and we take some mushrooms, laugh loads and then go to the club together, as soon as i get there she ignores me completely- but i bump into a friend so spend the night dancing with him.. i tell r I'm going to leave and we chat for a bit and then go outside, I ask if she's attracted to me because I'm confused by our interaction, i like r from our chats and how much we laughed together but then i think that she thinks I'm weird hence why she ignored me in the club- we end up circling each other and then kissing for a while, I go to leave and she grabs me an throws me to the wall and kisses me more (HOT). In the morning she messages me 'you're on my mind this morning'- I find it kinda wild, but like flattering and hot.
Anyways I'm away again and she tries to get me to drive back to the city to fuck a few times when she's drunk/ messages me in the night and gets annoyed when i don't reply 'I want you to talk to me' is what she'd say. I've never experienced anyone being so forward so i find it a bit unnerving but nice.
When we finally have sex it's wild, she strangles me without asking but it just works, she's so intense the most intense lover I've ever had, staring at me like she's going to swallow me whole. she says it's the best sex she's ever had - i don't know how to reply, but it is good. We continue seeing each other and she tells me all about her exes who are badddd, like crazy - 3 turn up at r’s flat over the time we are seeing each other... (and she tells me how she has gotten people cancelled).. We hang out a LOT she keeps telling me she's going to fall in love with me but she can't- can't have a relationship, we chat about what we want and she seems to want everything i want? Land, community.. She comes for a drink with me and my friend and storms out half way through i follow her and she's like I'm sorry and goes to dinner, i wake up to 9minutes worth of voice notes telling me all of these nice things about me but that I'm like damaged goods so maybe we should be friends because she knows she'll fall in love with me and she can't do that.. I'm so confused i message back telling her that everything is telling me to run away but for some reason i can't..
everytime i stay r tells me she's going to fall in love with me over and over again, but that she can't do that and it hurts me so i often stay in the spare room, always awaking to her coming in and clinging to me in the night, the way she holds me feels so good.. it really confuses me, so i become unsure if i should see her, everything feels wierdly dramatic all the time and the sex is crazy, she sends me constant nudes and desires me all the time, asks me to come to her work just to kiss her. Does not stop going on about my appearance and body (I'm like SUPER underweight at that point - sick looking- but i guess muscly from all the manual labour? idk weird she was so into it). But we do have the best times when we're together and i feel so special she covets me in public and invites me to cool fancy events and i feel accepted by like the beautiful people? But then she's also seeing other people, (none like me though, she loves me and it's different...) and makes fun of me for not (ENM) so i try and date other people but she stops me each time. She gets a bit calmer and things feel okay between us, i stay most nights she still pushes and pull but i put it down to her trauma and she tell me she's in love with me. I tell r i need time but she demands that i fuck her hard and lover her during sex. R corners me all the time over the next few weeks and tells me i must feel the same way as it's between two people. I'm obsessed, I love her back, I tell R this but that it feels painful and that shouldn't be what love is. We continue hanging out and it seems okay but it's like I'm waiting for her to do something again, it's incredible in so many ways the way we talk constantly about everything and all the amazing things she says to me.. But I'll catch r out on lies/ she'll do things/ say things that are really mean both to me and to strangers etc.
But then things get hard she has some family stuff and says she can't date me, i of course say that's fine but she messages me every day - i get really sick from living in the van during winter with no heating and end up at my mums (alcoholic) after not seeing her for years, she ghosts me over random stuff then rings me crying saying she loves me and would be with me if stuff was not happening in her life.
I get a bit better and come back to the city in my van sleeping near parks etc, the night i get back i meet my friend (an ex, I'm a lesbian what can i say) who sees my phone flashing and her texts to me, she can't believe that that's how she speaks to me. I ask r if I'll see her tonight, she messages me as I'm parked up a while out the city demanding i come fuck her and leave my dog alone in the van. I feel like shit but then do what she wants the following night after not having slept, our relationship becomes me coming over and cooking for her and fucking her on demand.. At this point I'm barely sleeping each night, waiting for her to message me or up from the cold. one night i say no and that she has no respect for me, the next day I say we need to chat- she's mean over text and is all about what just tell me over text, so i tell her i think she has zero respect for me and it hurts. she brushes it off but later sees me walk past her salon and then ends up coming into the shop where i go with my friend and grabs my hand. Later she sees me again whilst djing (across the road from her salon) and messages me and asks if i like her croptop i tell her ofc she looks amazing, she says she'll come chat to me later. She doesn't so i sleep until she turns up at my van at midnight wrecked. I come out and ask her wtf she is doing but she just grabs me and kisses me and throws me against the park railings and tells me to come to hers so i follow her, we start having sex and i freak out and she tells me she loves me to which i only reply 'sure'. she jumps out of the bed and starts screaming at me to get out if i don't think she loves me, i move to get up but then she presses me down and doesn't let me leave nor does she let me sleep and shakes me trying to get me to talk but I've shut down.
The next day I wake having had one hour sleep feeling terrible. i go down on r and bring her to orgasm she bucks into my nose and i bleed everywhere, a sad trail of red leading to the bathroom.. she sits me on the edge of the bath and cleans me up, we shower together and i watch my blood mix with the water. Later in r’s kitchen she picks me up and sits me on her counter (I'm p tall 5'8 but tinnyyy 47kg and she's 6ft curvy af and strong) and strokes my hair tries to speak to me but i can't hear anything i feel so done and hurt and terrified to lose her, it's like my self worth has become reliant on her because idk she's so powerful in the area i live and is so mean about everyone and if she's not mean about me then maybe I'm not so bad right? I know - bpd right?
Anyways i go to my van and change and r comes in and gives me my stuff that i had at hers i tell her i don't want it and throw it out… I was feeling rejected I guess?.. she's laughing at me an I'm so embarrassed i throw my clothes into the street I'm crazy, feel ridiculous and small and sick and ashamed i want her not to see me like that. She storms off and tells me I'll never see her again if I do that again so I follow her (she wants to go a walk) and she screams at me in public all around the park and i try to calm her. By the time we get back to hers I'm apologising telling her it woulave completely lost my d be a shame to waste our connection and i love her. I have completely lost myself, I'm a different person from when she met me. I have no where to go but go to my friends who tells me she's worried about me and that someone shouldn't be treating me that way. The woman just sends me romantic songs and i tell her i think the other night was inappropriate, she admits that it was and says we can never talk about it again.
I start going crazy- messaging weirdly when she doesn't reply, clingy like, r tells me she doesn't think about me doesn't care about me. I'm not sleeping still and in the morning i tell her that i think she needs therapy etc if she thinks that this is love because it should feel good and it should be an action not just some intense feeling she has and that i am so confused because she treats her friends so nicely and yet the person she is in love with like a dog or an enemy and i think she's amazing but maybe we should be friends if her behaviour doesn't change cause i don't want to lose her.. She is obviously mad with me and tells me she completely fell for me but can't have a relationship (not my point). We were meant to have a date that night as r was going to Mexico the next day but she cancels because of my behaviour.. i ask to go and get my records then so i go to the salon- with her favourite chocz (ikr I'm full psycho at this point) and she's angry but we make out loads in the back street.. she says she'll meet me later, I'm a mess getting ready and think I'll be late so don't get fuel for my van (so no heating), i turn up and she's still working but invites me in i try and wait but my mum keeps ringing saying she's suicidal.. she finally finishes cutting the persons hair 2 hours after i turn up... and we make out loads in the salon, but shes mean, shes hungry so i take her for food she holds my hand down the street and leans her head on my shoulder as she eats i walk her to her car and she tells me that's it i kiss her loads and ask her to drive me back and she agrees I'm trying not to cry as she drops me off and she asks me why do i care so much about it. i kiss her and she drives off. i try and sleep on my friends couch but it's so cold. I message her and joke how she's going to go through all my texts laughing with her business partner - she's like wtf.. (she told me she'd done that with ex partners texts and I'm so paranoid all the time at this point), she tells me something has happened and she has to stop texting i apologise and say i;ll message in the morning...
She's so mad with me still in the morning and the communication is fucked, she's mad i just want to be friends and everything else, but of course, i want to be with her and not just be friends, i'd really do anything. I ask if i can leave her a letter because everything i text is misconstrued. She says yes so i write her a letter telling her how i feel and apologising, i feel like i really love her, she's such a strong character and so interesting and so fierce with so many idiosyncrasies and mad music knowledge and that i want to be in her life in any capacity that i can, i mean it but I'm so so fucked up at this point and i'd had a long term relationship but like it wasn't like this.. the intensity, it was really nice and so loving, but it was very different from this, despite the pain of it no one had ever said such amazing things to me and i'd never had sex like that / so much in common musically etc.... I'm so hurt and just think i should try move on, i go and sleep with someone straight away. the next day she messages me whilst on her way to to the airport, telling me the letter made her cry - because it's sad and that all she wants to do is be in my arms, i tell r i love her and r says she feels the same, but I'm stupid i try and date other people whilst she's in mexico. The stupidest idea, I’m so so mentally ill at this point, not sleeping and pushing my body to the absolute limits at work and to nail the coffin.. start taking street valium to try and sleep.. i tell r about going on dates, i always told her before because i want to be open about that and she encouraged my dating other people (but i have like sexual trauma so it's difficult for me, but i don't mind her dating) she gets jealous of one person i date (a)… A instantly clings on to me and by then myself esteem is so done i think everyone can just take what they want from me and I give it despite a year ago knowing full well I would have ran a million miles from someone like a.. and this is really horrible.. but i wasn't even really attracted to a and i missed and loved the r so badly, but a kept demanding me to come fuck her very similar to the way r did, but obvs I loved r, so I did go an fuck a even when I didn’t want to. Whilst a is in Mexico she sends me highly sexual messages again and of course I'm so hooked, i wake up to voice notes from r telling me she loves me that she wants to do everything with me, to read to her to go travelling, to do all these mad adventurous things etc and that when she gets back she needs to see me straight away and it'll be different this time we'll do sober things etc etc. at this point I'm flat sitting a friends flat so i finally have somewhere to stay - although only for a bit..
R arrives back and I'm so excited to see her, i don't want to fuck up this time and i want to be good for her, she also has regular lovers so maybe it's good that i now have someone else as well.. when r finally gets to the place I'm staying she's two hours late and she's full of mezcal telling me about a half a million property she's going to buy (what about wanting to get land like me). I'm cooking for her and we're making small talk but she just jumps on me and tells me to get into the bedroom so i do. she pushes me on the bed and tries to fuck me (again something i can have problems with cause past trauma) she hurts me so i tell her and she laughs and stops rather than asking what i want. I've never seen her so turned on, like, her clit is SWOLLEN anyways we have a LOT of sex for hours and hours can't stop touching each other telling each other how much we love each other, and i talk about the woman I'm dating and the sex... because i found it interesting because i struggle with casual sex / not having feelings for people who i sleep with but managing to have good sex with that person sometimes without having feelings (fucking for pleasure, as noted smth I struggle wi cause of trauma), i don't really remember chatting about it (she tells me the next day how inappropriate that is).. anyways it feels p fucking magical to be back with r and the next day she sees me running my errands whilst she's in her salon and asks me to get her for her lunch so i do and she comes up to the flat i'm staying in and we make out but then she becomes nasty to me - making fun of my clothes and then asking if i only like her for sex (very confusing as she always jumps on me when i'd much rather go and fucking do smth fun...). She tells me off for talking about a (very fair what a twat I am) and i'm mortified, i apologise so much and tell r maybe i was trying to show off or smth but i don't remember too well because i would never want to hurt her, i'm so desperate to make it work this time.. I move in with my close friend and I stop fawning over her so much, confused by the hot and cold.. I go and stay with people and I text her the same as always but I just seem to annoy her…
R sleeps with someone I know she doesn’t even like and I’m upset - what are we doing to each other!? I try to communicate this but everything I do annoys her, when I’m invited to a cottage with an and her friends I go, just for a night. Whilst there r starts phoning me manically asking to come over and that she needs to sleep next to me, but I tell her I’m out, not where, I should’ve said where I know.. been honest.. r sends loads of messages, I should just go and ring her but for some reason I don’t because I’m so anxious, I just text her I’m so sorry I’m away id love to be with her but we need to start arranging things rather than her expecting me to just drop everything there and then all the time - I honestly thought about driving my big van 2 hours back just to be there for her and I wish I had.. I say I’ll see her as soon as I’m back but it goes on at this place, I hate it I want to be with her.
When I get back the next day I cook r a massive meal and we try and watch a film.. I have no tv and no laptop just a shite iPad. I obviously can’t concentrate on it and it annoys r.. we have sex and she tells me she loves me but I don’t reply, I just stare confused… she says she needs to go and stay in her own bed, I ask if she wants company but she says no, so she goes. But she tells me to come in to the salon on valentines day to get my hair done..
I’m pretty ill at this point again and food isn’t going well with me and just super mentally unstable with everything going on and staking street valium each night.. it’s my pals birthday and I’m so anxious around everyone I get completely black out, take loads of drugs. My dog runs away and she is texting me maniacally I’m on the st tripping balls looking for my dog , I run to the park (past her salon) she sees me and runs out and grabs me I immediately have a panic attack and collapse, her staff bring me water and she comes out and calls my friends who come and get me, she messages me asking if I’m okay. I apologise not realising the gravity of the situation. Later she (rightfully) doesn’t want to talk to me when I try.. I lose my shit, she isn’t going to cut my hair, I accuse her of manipulating me, lying (she was always lying tbh and I knew it but just turned a blind eye) and not loving me, just using me for sex, complete psychotic drool. I don’t remember any of it, I was FULL of Xanax and everything else. I fall asleep and when I wake up I’m sick realising what I did, I ring her trying to apologise, of course she won’t speak to me, so I apologise profusely. She won’t see me again. I get it I’m awful, so awful, but I’m so full of panic.
I accept that she doesn’t want to see me but I get covid and keep filling with panic and sending her apologies ( I think on two occasions) and getting really cruel responses. I then pour my heart out, all romantic, the way she used to talk to me (I know I’m mortified) and she calls me disgusting and to focus on someone else (which hurt because my problem is I struggle with focus on someone because I’m so damn scatty/ avoidant a lot of the time, probs why I fell so hard for her because I couldn’t NOT focus on he be drawn and obsessed with her). I’m terrified of walking my dog certain ways and passing her salon worried she’ll accuse me of stalking because I messaged so many times to apologise.. if I do pass with friends she stares out at me..
But then she comes and talks to me on the street and says she will see me soon (she’d always say this when she sort of ended smth, to tell me it wasn’t really over in her code) so I thought it would be like all the other times she’s be annoyed and mess with other people then call me in crying again. So I message r and suggest a walk - she blocks me. I’m so mentally ill now, can’t go down the street and have panic attacks daily that my life is ruined, hurting someone like that and being so mean and also what she will be saying to people, people look at me differently like I’m mad (she got her ex barred from an art studios, another is seen as an abuser and has called other stalkers/ crazy). It was also (pure vanity) horrifying knowing everyone would think I was this evil crazy person.. so I’d try and stay out of her way but sadly struggle as her salon is on the main Street and I couldn’t keep making my friends walk a different way (they thought I was mad too). I continue seeing a for a 2 weeks but its too much so I ask for space but she then tells me she loves me and it feels too much like what I’d just been through (why am I now creating a new pattern)… I’m so lonely and fucked up and mad and weird that A continually gets back in because my boundaries are so poor and I’m so mentally ill and probably confusing her a lot :(. I go in and out of utter panic and trying to quit the st valium and relapsing. R sees me at gigs and sometimes tries to come up but I always freak out and have a panic attack, she comes out the salon when I walk by and goes smiles and tries to talk to my friends whilst ignoring me..
I go through homelessness again and a puts me up in her big flat she lives in alone (as a friend), but it’s such an odd situation because she keeps trying to initiate sex.. I see the salon shut for ages and get a weird feeling this is months later… July?… Just before R’s birthday.. I decide to message if she’s okay, the message goes through on iMessage so maybe I’m just blocked on WhatsApp idk? No answer.. I’m so manic not sleeping I take loads and loads of valium to try and shut my brain off and down gin, I’m on my own as A has gone away in the massive flat a st away from r’s and a st away from the salon everything is so fucking close.. anyways I go crazy from all the Valiums and somehow convince myself that if I just talk to r and tell her I mean no harm she will stop saying stuff about me and just be normal to me when we bump into each other. I go crazy ring loads. When she answers she goes hysterical screaming at me and laughing hysterically and calling me all these things. She hangs up and I ring and ring and leave nonsense drugged up voice notes like ‘does it make u feel powerful being so mean..’ Etc. I’m such an idiot I feel so bad for acting so odd and traumatised I decide to write to her and give her my favourite book I think about putting it in the post but she lives down the st so I think it’s an acceptable thing to leave it outside. When I get there she’s sat outside with her pals… she sees me and is like ‘hi.. what do you want’ I say I have something for her she just replies ‘sound’ so I give her the book and letters and she bursts out laughing..
I meet someone later (o) and then it turns out r was also trying to fuck them whilst with me and told a bunch of lies.. I go to a gay club with O and as soon as I walk in R is there, she just waves at me and I jump out of my skin. Fuck. I go over and I apologise profusely saying I’m having a manic episode and it’s no excuse (it really is no excuse - I’m aware my behaviour is fucked) but I say can I have a hug and she holds me, when I pull away she grabs me and puts her hand under my top whilst telling me she needs ‘space’ from me tonight and to leave, but that the letter was ‘sweet’. The letter was also like.. asking what the protocol was because I didn’t want to be accused of doing other disrespectful things - I’d been a prick and really shat on her boundaries apologising when she didn’t want to hear from me then going fuckin’ nuts and ringing her months later, but it was also cause I didn’t know if it was bad walking past the salon and how to avoid it or whether I was allowed/ should say hello - we WERE in love? I’ve never had to like idk police myself after being so entwined with someone, them knowing everything about me… and I just felt so ashamed of my actions and selfishly wanted to make up for it even though I knew that the only way to make up for it is to not apologise.. but ye I guess its also my life. R is involved in everything music, fashion, writing.. so I really wanted to be on like semi okay terms, but it was just completely fucked up of me trying to force that on a person and I truly am ashamed and have just been doing so much therapy since.
I did just about get myself on my feet, I got a council flat, got in to do my post grad, was playing music and had a gig lined up (smth I was nervous about again because r is friends with the gig organisers and other musicians involved) and then I had a serious rock climbing accident - smashed my left arm up pretty bad, had a lush two week stay in the hospital, two operations and a bunch of metal plates put in - it was a hard recovery as I’m so active usually and my council flat is like a st away from r’s salon and everyone who knows her in the queer scene and ye I walk out my flat and just get funny looks now because of it.. R did come and talk to me on the st one day after my accident I went to turn away but there was nowhere to go, so, idk it probably looked mental as but I put on my big grin and tried to just feel love and no animosity for her and just tried to chat normally and made a bunch of jokes and also apologised again, said I feel guilty and I think about what I did all the time, she told me to ‘let it go’ and made fun of my cast and chaos, kind of infantilising and kinda treated me like I was gross and bring up stuff that she knew would make me feel awful…
I pulled through my accident and even got a modelling contract with a pretty big agency, got funded to work on a film and started my postgrad.. but then things still happen all the time, a photographer blocks me, guess what, they’re friends with r. Two people working on the film, friends with R and I just feel weird around them, my friends ask me to go to events… r is djing. my best friend starts djing at the radio station r dis at and wants me to get involved but I know I can’t even though I’m friends with the person that runs the radio station. If I were to, r would get me banned and say it was to get to them or smth, which is not true, at this point I wish I could be as far away from them as possible. I’m scared to go and see my favourite musicians play as I always suspect r will be there as we have the same taste… scared to go to certain pubs I always went to.. before I met r I would spend days off at a cafe right by her salon and just read/ catch up on admin.. I’m too nervous now as she’ll again say it’s stalking/ her friends will think that too. My favourite food place was also next to her salon. I literally love the days it’s shut and I can just go down the main st like a normal person, funny thing is that’s the only time I ever see her other ex who is also too scared to go down the main st… it’s been so long now but I’m still crippled with anxiety, I know that she now has a partner so I thought maybe she might idk be full of love and evened out a bit, but she’s still trying to like talk to my friends.. and I know for a fact going around telling people I’m crazy, I tell myself it’s in my head that she’s doing this but then something happens.
I’m so young I just want to be happy, i make new friends and then if they make a move on me I freak out, can’t have sex at all, can’t be intimate. I don’t know when I’ll stop feeling like this. I guess I’m scared I’ll be awful to someone else like I was to R. And I know that my low self-esteem isn’t all due to R at all, if anything she built me up more than anyone else ever had… but I keep putting it on her in my mind and it’s obsessive and fucked up. I own a bit of land with a group of anarchist, working class queers now and we’re building huts to make a community - I’m on disability for my arm and the severity of my ‘ADHD’ and have so much opportunity to just write and try and make something of myself but I’m still so full of panic by the proximity. One of my other best friends good friend is close friends with R and so we can’t hang out together. They are creating a pop up poety/ wine night (I write poetry) so my pal wants me to be there desperately but I know r will be there and her friends who all think I’m an evil crazy bitch from hell. Which, I guess I am, but I’m trying not to be and treating me like shit forever and spreading things on top of the crazy shit I did which are fundamentally not true is just so difficult and makes me feel like I have to move away… I’m pretty sure after all this and my mind letting it continue that I definitely have BPD, all the symptoms are there but my mental health team just think it’s severe ADHD and possibly CPTSD and I just need to stick to my medication regimen (yay stimulants) and stay off of valium - I am!! But idk, everytime I think I’m doing something good I get scared that r will find out and tear it down.. it sucks, I have a lot of love and respect for her and wish I hadn’t done what I did but I did and I can’t change it.. so I guess I deserve it completely. But still, it’s difficult to make something of myself even though I deserve this..
Has anyone had a similar situation? any advice?
submitted by Sethhann to AnxiousAttachment [link] [comments]

2023.03.21 02:59 Aazardian The 10' x 10', 108sq ft "Cheater Shed", AKA "Canti-Cubic Stair-Shed" (FP108/SF415) 415sq ft

The 10' x 10', 108sq ft

"Canti-Cubic Stair-Shed" (FP108/SF415) 415sq ft

After A LOT of building code reviewing, multiple design/layout attempts & revisions to trim cost/improve concept, This seems the most feasible design
"Napkin Rough Out"
  • NO permit needed! Most places (but check), thats the entire point (not needing a permit)
  • NO! Cantilevering the 2nd floor FURTHER over a cantilevered 1st would not be "safe", IMHO (last pic)
  • Porch/Awning is freestanding & unenclosed. Made of lumbeOBS/Singles (+ "lock-top" bench)
  • IRL Size comparison its like a 207sq ft "studio apartment" 1st floor, with a 95sq ft master & 75sq ft secondary bedroom on 2nd floor (with a full to code stairwell) "Tinormous" (Tiny Enormous)
WIP \"Cheater Shed\" Floorplan 415sq ft! TM/CR: JDW of IIT Canada (BCIN DesigneDrafteIDC)
Elegant Simplicity of "Open Cubic" Design, Easy to Make, Looks Modern, Low Cost, Spacious
Concept Composite Image (well drawn shed from "Pinup Houses - Joyce")
  • FAST composite image, INTENDED to give an idea/visualization of shed design
  • The doowindow placement, sliding glass door & awning style are NOT CORRECT to floorplan
  • IDENTICAL measurements from all 4 sides/profiles (one side has an entry stoop/porch)
  • 2/12 = 2 inches change in elevation, per 12 inches, so 14'4" long roof changes 2'5" in elevation
  • Note: 8" of pavers/block + 9" joist + 6'10.5 height + 5.75" ceiling/floor + 6'10.5" height + 5.75" roof + 2'5" Slope = 18'6.5" (18 feet 6.5 inch) would be rough MINIMAL height from ground
OG image has inches/feet inverted, I went with it. Canti-Cubic Stair-Shed Concept
Both level ceilings are, interior, 6'10.5" to 7' tall + Doors/Stairs/Halls/Joists(/Etc.) ALL MEET OBC CODE
Any "Accessory Unit", without "Wet Plumbing", inside a footprint of 108sq ft may be up to 6 meters (19.685 feet) tall from the ground to peak/highest point (yes, 108sq ft footprint is allowed 2 stories)
  1. "No Dig/Pour Foundation" = Cut sod + fill/level (do a flower bed too) + sand/crush/pack + poly + 3'x3' pavers + 6"/12" Block Perimeter kneel wall on pavers (Fill + Mortar Base/Seal as you go)
  2. Can be erected from nothing by 2 semi-skilled in construction people, Friday Evening to Sunday Evening, with only block/tackle (100% cleaned-up by Monday morning ;0), if they "move it"
  3. Its "technically" over 400sq ft, in Canada that makes it TOO BIG to be a "Tiny Home"
  • I would pre-construct framing of flooroof/walls as SIP, off site (or in a garage/shop) to save time

Materials Estimated:

  • Pavers/Blocks + 2x6/2x4 Dimensional lumber + 7/16" 4x8' OBS + Rigid PUR (R5ci/R40/R60) + Fiberglass baton (SB R7.5) + Primed Sheathing + Whiteboard Finishing + Grey Composite Floors + White Tile + Black Asphalt Shingles. Paint to taste (or side/stucco/Etc.) Odds/Bobs + Fixtures
  • Tools Needed: Personal Protective Gear, Common Hand/Power tools, Block/Tackle & SAFE Ladder
DIY building cost, Canadian Dollars & "Economical", but new (Habitat for Humanity ReStore in Canada), option choices:
  • Under $5000, erected & exterior finished (but thats insanely tight, $6500 is more realistic)
  • At, Each: 3x3 Pavers ($10) / 8x8x16' block ($5) / 2x6x10 ($7, lets assume 2x4's are same) / 4x8 OBS ($16) / 4x8 PUR Rigid Insulation ($8) ... plus needed adhesives/poly/nails/shingles/paint/etc
  • IMHO: Windows and the door are insanely costly (for the area they cover, they are like $200+ each)
  • Electrical, Fixtures and interior finishing can get costly, but at the lowest start around $5000
  • I wont detail "economical" fixtures/appliances/etc, I have other posts in my profile detailing that
  • So for about $10000, you can squeak out about 415sq ft "Fully Finished" ($24/sq ft)

10.4'x10.4' Footprint, Cantilevered To 14.4'x14.4', 2 Level, 415sq ft

Dirty Details

  • On 6"-12" Concrete Block "no dig" foundation, making it 18'6" to 19'0" tall at awning peak (highest)
  • Roof 2x8 lumber to R60, Exterior walls 2x6 lumber to R40, interior walls 4"/2x4 lumber to R7.5
  • Bathroom is 7x3 (21sq ft): 30" pocket door is 30" + 30"x36" shower + 4sq ft closet (25sq ft)
  • Compact Tank Toilet, with "Tank-Top" Coach sink (to conserve floor space)
  • 24"x28"x40" 1.6cu ft 110v/15a 700w laundry combo under stairs, accordion door, 7sq ft (32sq ft)
  • NOTE: Rearranging lower floor laundry/linen/bathroom to combo will make a 32sq ft bathroom
  • Combo area is 17sq ft stairwell + 157sq ft+ "Great Room" (= 207.5sq ft lower floor)
  • Stair outer string is a storage shelf, of recesses (diagonally offset "stacks" of recessed cubic cavities)
  • Lower floor has a full length cupboard/pantry over kitchen/3 seat eating nook on west wall (left)
  • Nook counter (seat closest to kitchen) has "2 segment" fold-away pull out 2x4. Makes 2x6 counter, turning Kitchen countertop to an "L" ("T" with nook) shape (with 2x4, modular, X-Leg)
  • 4th Folding nook seat, stowed under remaining nook countertop area
  • upper floor split into a 75sq ft room & a 95sq ft room, 17sq ft stairs with a landing hallway
  • 95sq ft room eats 4 to 6 sq ft from landing hall as full height, narrow suit/dress closet
  • 75sq ft room has high, short/narrow closet "cubby" 4 to 6 sq ft (recessed at top of stairwell wall)
  • Mini 8G Hot-Water Tank under kitchen sink, heated by HE Mini-Split Heat-Pump/AC (both 900W)
  • Showerhead 0.55GPM with navy valve, Faucet aerators to 0.375GMP (all with 0.6GPM rinse sprayer)
  • LED Pots 3/3 principle (5w area/9w kitchen work area + bathroom vanity/11w sensored exterior entry)
  • GFI Outlets (110v/15a) in 12/6 & 4/2 design principle throughout (no 50hz)
  • Kitchenette (sink/cooktop/fridge/freezemicrowave) also 110v/15a (2000w full draw, uses 2x outlets)
  • Fits 1/2 height, 400w "under counter" dishwasher & (stowed appliance) 550w mini-oven (Dash)
  • 9 to 36sq ft Entry stoop/awning is free standing, semi-permeate (won't count to footprint)
  • 2/12 Slope Pitch / 9.46° Degree - Skillion ("shed") Roof, 12" overhang (2" up/down from roof)
  • OPTIONAL: Flat top, with a railed roof-top patio of 200sq ft+ (minus entry stairs)
  • OPTIONAL: All "plumbing" can be modified to count as "dry", by code (aka: "no plumbing")
  • OPTIONAL: save space > OSHA compliant ATD Stairs (7sq ft, to 12.6sq ft, of stairwell "saved")
OSHA COMPLIANT & Saves A LOT of space! 2.8 x 2.5, to 4.5ft, saved (7 to 12.6sq ft saved)

Looks like a blend of these designs: (Pinup Houses)

Shape/Size/Roof is 95% right
BUT 360 degree cantilever'ed, on both floors, with a small \"foundation lift\"


\"Single Cantilever\"
Overhead of a "Quad", from front side
The part in view is technically a \"Triple\" with out 4th side in view
Internal Framing, Closer Labeled View
Internal Framing View

If you have the Funds/Skill to build this... (Unneeded Photos)

You dont need a "Cheater Sq Ft" Shed
More reasonable than below \"pool house\" image
Humm, whats the cost per sq ft on that \"Pool House\"?
submitted by Aazardian to shedditors [link] [comments]