I, 25F, am obese.
I knew that. I logically know what will help it. I logically know that it is my fault and that I am ruining my moment.
However, I'm an emotionally driven person.
I am short (5ft/60cm). I used to climb everything, having a tall husband negated that need for a while. Well, I needed to climb and...I couldn't.
I was in so much pain. My wrists couldn't hold my weight and my knees buckled. I couldn't even bend over without holding my breath. I panicked, hard, about my situation.
I finally realize that I am truly fat. This isn't vanity or low self-esteem. This is the truth and I came to it emotionally. Before this, my brain would think I was smaller than I was at times.
In the mirror, I finally took it all in. The stretch marks, the redness, my swollen hands and feet, my lack of a chin. When I went to put on shoes I couldn't reach my feet or I had to hold my breath and strain. I'm still freaking out inside that I let it get this bad!
I have nobody to blame but myself. I am scared, but too paralyzed to cry.

I've been on Lamotrigine for almost a year for bipolar 2.
It's affecting my skin but I'm concerned that it's changing it. I think it might be thinning my hair. I'm developing nodules that aren't acne nodules, but just nodules. I had two on my neck that went away with some betaderm but I have one on my forehead that I can't use betaderm on because you can't use it on the face and hydrocortisone isn't doing anything. It's right smack dab in the middle of my forehead and I know there's a bit of vanity in going off of a medication because of skin, but I can kind of see more developing and it's making me concerned about what this is doing to my body. I've also had what my physiotherapist thinks are nerve issues on the right side of my upper body that have gotten worse since I've been on this. It might be correlation and not causation, but I've never had these kinds of issues with my skin. My eyesight has also drastically gotten poorer in the past 6 months.
Given that it can cause Steven Johnson's syndrome or TENs (which I don't have), I'm concerned about what it's doing to my body.
I'm going to talk to my doctor today about it, but it's a hard decision to think about going off of it because it has helped immensely. At this point, given that I've done so much therapy, and given that implementing CBT and DBT is now like second nature, I'm wondering if I would be able to handle the highs and lows without medication. The thing is, I am in the only relationship that's ever been good and I am in my early 40s. I've also never felt level and I do now (except for a bit of emotional numbing which I know is caused by the medication because it wasn't there before). I don't know how much of the good relationship is the person I'm with and previous therapy and learned skills and inner peace or how much of that is medication. Choosing to gamble on that is a really hard decision.
For anyone with bipolar that has gone off of it and tried to just be off of medication, how did that go for you? For anyone who went off of it, but couldn't stay off of it, was it successful going back on it?

First/wiki/Patreon
Unity
Despite her hate for the Union, Aster had to admit, they were incredible engineers. She had seen plenty of Union stations, made of standardized sections constructed in the core and shipped across the galaxy. But Unity was on a whole different scale.
It was the size of a small moon, but unlike a certain moon sized planet killer, this station was hollow on the inside and home to half a billion people. It was a mega-project that tried to encompass everything the Union stood for, commerce, protection, and the peaceful inhabitation of every species. Almost every known species in the galaxy called Unity home, and the station went out of its way to accommodate all forms of life. Including the rare Lithoid and Toxoid species.
As the Astaroth exited the immense inter-sector gate their entire field of vision was filled with the flow of millions of ships. Their scanners became so full of contacts that the screen was totally filled. It was like a massive school of fish all swarming around one object. There were a few big bare patches were a massive multi-kilometer super freighter was maneuvering, and from a casual glance Astarte guessed there were at least a hundred of those slowly drifting into port. Standing still like buoys, Union cruisers gently corralled the streaming ship traffic into several generalized directions. And on the edges of all the action, Union Battleships stood guard over the station and its nearby space. Piracy was a rampant concern in the Union, and it was impossible to patrol all possible targets, so the Union just focused its efforts around focal nodes and cleared hyper-lanes.
At the center of all the chaos was Superstation Unity. In-between two relatively quiet stars that orbited each other in a stable binary pattern. It was impossible to clearly make out the polyhedral shape of the station because the whole thing was covered in solar collectors and massive skyscraper sized algae farms. Long spindly arms stretched far away from the station and made stable points for Super Freighters to dock and off load their cargo. The only clear portions of space were the two pentagonal holes that filtered in natural starlight, and smaller incoming ships.
All Union stations had internal berthing for ships smaller than the colossal super freighters to better protect from hit and run pirate attacks. That way any would be raider had to get through the station before they could hit their target. It also made for a more efficient offloading process. Cranes, cargo trains, and ready warehouses could offload a ship in only a few hours.
The Astaroth called into the busy space traffic controller and quickly arranged for a berth large enough, and an indeterminate stay. Then they slowly boosted into one of the traffic lanes and began the slow crawl towards the station. Speed was tightly controlled since one miscalculation could cause a hundred catastrophic collisions.
Aster and the rest of her bridge crew tensed up as they slowly passed only a hundred meters away from a Union cruiser. But the cruiser had no reason to suspect them. Most ships were allowed to fly armed as a deterrent against pirates, so it was perfectly legal for an armed warship to pull into port.
An hour later the ship approached the massive atmospheric retention field and passed through the electric blue layer of energy. Entering into a whole different world.
Above, below, across, and beside them was a megacity on a scale unlike anything Astarte had ever seen. The station was made of thirty-two flat sections, twelve pentagons, and twenty hexagons, forming a truncated icosahedron. Or at least that’s what Karega had called it. Each hexagonal section was home to a massive city. Apartments, utilities, offices, and shopping centers were densely packed onto their plates and connected with the most intricate transit system in galaxy. While the pentagonal sections played host to industrial sectors. Manufacturing, smelting, refinement, ship building, and warehouses. It looked like the shortest and flattest part of the station, but Astarte knew that those buildings went straight through the plate and poked out of the station’s exterior.
On a hexagonal section directly above them a massive silver tower that elevated a smaller hexagonal section into the center of the vast space. This smaller section was covered in wide open green spaces and a massive lake that made for a confusing view as it was directly above them. That was the Core, and it was supported by the Silver Tower that housed the station’s anti matter reactors, gravity generators, and control centers.
The Astaroth pulled in through the rest of the yawning portal and leveled off, now pulling horizontal with the current pentagonal section they were over. She felt an uncomfortable shift in her gut as the station’s gravity briefly interfered with the ship’s. They had booked a berth in industrial section 7, which meant they had to fly over three hexagonal plates.
Her ship was by no means small. The Astaroth was much longer than the original Missouri, or even the Bismarck. But she still felt minuscule against the backdrop of the industrial section, and even smaller against one of the mega-towers of Unity’s habitation sectors. It somewhat reminded her of that time they had dived into the upper atmosphere of a gas giant. Which she realized was the intent.
This station was massive, and a marvel of engineering. But it was also inefficient as fuck with its usage of space. There was so much empty space! A normal constellation array of standard Union stations would have been a much more efficient use of materials. But that was the point.
Like the monarchs who built grand monuments in their own honor. This station was built to aggrandize everything the Union idealized, wealth, power, and vanity. It had been around since the founding of the Union and had been growing with the Union. It had just finished a massive redesign and expansion by the time Earth made first contact, and in another hundred years it would have another.
This was the kind of foe they were facing, one who could waste this much time and resources to make a monument like this. It really hammered home just what kind of opponent they were facing.
Karega stepped up to her side “Impressive isn’t it.” he remarked.
Aster nodded; her normal snark kept in check. “You’ve been here before, right?”
He nodded, which jingled the golden frilly earrings he always wore. “Once, when my parents were still alive. We met with people who had more wealth than some planet’s GDP. At the time I could only marvel at how great the Union was, but now I see something different.”
“Oh?” Aster asked, it was rare to hear her lieutenant to be so introspective.
“Imagine how great things would be if the Union actually stood for the ideals they were founded by. If they really wanted to create one single prosperous galaxy where all sapient creatures could thrive then Earth would never have fallen like it did. We would have been better off without ever meeting the Union. What kind of Utopia is that?”
Aster snorted “I never understood Utopia’s. A world where no one killed, stole, or lied always seemed like a fantasy to me.”
“That’s because you’re a street rat who delights in her vices.” He retorted.
“And that’s the thing, there’s always going to be people like me. And when you concentrate all this wealth and power into one place those people are going to flock to it like moths to a flame, or rats on a corpse. Power doesn’t breed corruption; it just concentrates the inherently corrupt into one place.”
“Ever the pessimist.”
“Expect the worst, hope for better.” She retorted.
They remained in companionable silence as the ship made its way slowly across several city sections before they were above their berth. As they landed Astarte got a glimpse of some dark figure waiting at their mooring ramp. “Looks like we have a welcoming party, anyone you recognize?”
Karega looked out and scowled “Boogieman.” He muttered.
“I’m sorry what?”
He shook his head, “That’s just how Kora described them to me when I was a kid. Officially they’re the Anti Deathworlder crime Unit, a division of the Unity SS built specifically to handle deathworlders. They always where those big black coats and hide their faces with privacy filters, Kora told me to think of them as boogiemen and to never be alone with one. They’d beat a human’s face in for the crime of sneezing.”
“Hmm, I think I should go out to say hello.” Aster said, a mischievous grin pulling at her lips.
Karega sighed “I’ll rouse the horsemen.”
~~~*~~~
The Arbiter had sneered at the Astaroth after seeing its photo in the file, but they had to admit the real thing was very intimidating. Something within the Arbiter’s human instincts recognized that this ship was deadly. The ships lines were sleek like the edge of a blade, like it could cut through any enemy. The top deck bristled with cannons, auto turrets, and missile launchers. Their first impression of danger was only confirmed as the words on the side became visible, BC-01 Astaroth the Indomitable.
The Arbiter recognized the style of lettering from old photographs of human warships, the bold sharp lettering gave the Arbiter a strong impression of authority and power. This was a warship through and through. Which begged the question how space pirates had gotten their hands on something this imposing?
Could the shape and name be some sort of façade? Was it all for show, or did this ship have the power to back up its threatening visage? The Arbiter had met more than a few lowlifes who had tried to look tough but didn’t live up to their thuggish persona. The Arbiter wanted to believe these pirates were putting on a show and didn’t actually have any power, but some deep primal instincts warned that this ship was dangerous.
Dread stood to the Arbiter’s side; their cloak hiding every aspect of their Balikstro physiology except the height. A low growl that came out and was distorted by the collar “Are you sure these are just merchants?”
The Arbiter glared at the ship as it landed. “No, we have reason to suspect this ship for nefarious business, but those details are classified. For now treat this ship of Deathworlders as highly dangerous and volatile. As soon as it lands we will board and attempt to search and impound them. We can’t let them run about the station as they please.”
Dread tensed even more. They both knew exactly what wasn’t being said, but Dread knew that the Arbiter wouldn’t say anymore.
They and the other ADCU officers stood their ground as the dry dock’s mooring ramp linked with the ship’s upper deck, the moment it touched down the Arbiter stormed forward. But as soon as their foot touched the ramp a hatch on the ship swung open and a tall human female strode out and stood at the end of the ramp.
The women in question wore a maroon plate armor in the style of samurai armor the Arbiter had only seen on display in their parents’ home. She even had the two swords at her hips, a katana and wakizashi from the looks of it. She had dark black hair that fell like black silk and her eyes were deep black pools of midnight. One of her eyes was crossed with a crooked scar, marring her otherwise beautiful porcelain doll-like face. She wore an amused smirk as she stood in the Arbiter’s way, and the Arbiter could have sworn the woman’s eye had flashed red for a second.
First the ship had tipped off the Arbiter that something strange was afoot, but this woman confirmed that these deathworlders weren’t your average criminal. The women’s appearance and get up should have looked comical, but much like the sleek grey ship she gave off an air of danger. The samurai armor should have looked out of place, but instead the woman wore it like it was the most natural thing to wear in the age of faster than light technology. And the noticeable cuts, scrapes, burns, and dents told the Arbiter that this armor had seen more than its fair share of battle.
And those swords. The Arbiter had seen Judge practice his sword play plenty of times to know that in the right hands they could be deadlier than a gun. And something about how the space pirate walked told the Arbiter that she knew what she was doing.
The woman stopped in front of the boarding ramp, her feet slightly apart, and her body loose in the way that said she was ready for a fight.
The Arbiter continued their march before stopping in front of the woman, mere centimeters between them. “Move aside” the Arbiter ordered.
A slim eyebrow crept up, “I’m sorry but who are you? Because unless you are port officials here to check our cargo I’m afraid your trespassing.” She said smoothly. Her tone was polite, but unyielding.
“I am Officer Arbiter of the Anti-deathworlder crime unit.” The Arbiter began.
“I see, and where’s your warrant?” the pirate interrupted.
The Arbiter blinked in shock under their privacy field “What?”
Her eyebrow crept up a little higher “Well you can’t board my ship without a warrant, and I don’t see a warrant.” Challenge now creeped into her voice, and the Arbiter felt a familiar unease in their stomach. This women was just as tricky and crooked as Alexandra, twisting words to her own intent.
“If you do not move aside I will charge you with obstruction of justice.” The Arbiter growled. They hadn’t had time to attain a warrant, and if this women didn’t step aside they would have to arrest her and continue with their search. It would add a load of paperwork onto the Arbiter’s desk, but so long as they found some evidence of piracy then they could lock these scum up and be done with the whole thing.
“Obstruction of what justice” a new voice croaked out. From the shadows of the hatch an old and withered human male stepped out. He wore a grim gray set of robes that reminded the Arbiter of grave keepers and undertakers. “Because unless you have a valid reason then I’ll have to ask you not to threaten my clients with illegal arrests.”
The Arbiter shifted their glare “And who are you?”
“Mr. Famine will do, I am a recognized personal defense lawyer and I am officially warning you that everything on this deck is being recorded.” The man said softly as he soundlessly stalked over to the women’s side.
Dread stepped up “We are here to carry out an investigation, step aside”
“I see” the lawyer said amiably “Well as soon as you can produce a warrant we’ll be happy to stand aside.” No one moved. “No warrant, well then I’m afraid that we will not allow you to step aboard this ship without one. And since there are no evident crimes being committed in plain view you cannot legally arrest my client since there’s no justice to obstruct.”
The Arbiter felt their anger burn brighter, if there was one thing they hated above all else was people using the law to shield their illegal actions. The law was there to protect normal people and punish criminals like these humans, it wasn’t meant to be a shield against law enforcement. “Why are you acting so suspicious” the Arbiter growled. “if you have nothing to hide then there’s no reason we can’t come aboard.”
The women focused her two black eyes on the Arbiter, and they could have sworn that one of them flashed red “We have nothing to hide, but there’s also no reason for you to come aboard. And I’ll remind you that the assertion of my rights is not probable cause.”
The Arbiter scowled uselessly at the women before promptly turning around and walking down the ramp without a final word.
They could have arrested the two of them and proceeded with their search, but that interaction told the Arbiter something very important. These pirates weren’t stupid, and there likely wasn’t anything for them to find. If they didn’t find anything then these pirates would have all the ammunition they needed to restrict the investigation against them. And if the department tried to back up the Arbiter’s action then the courts would force them to reveal the details of the case and why they suspected this ship of illegal activity. Which would have tipped off Kenzo.
This investigation was getting more and more complicated by the day.
~~~*~~~
Astarte watched the ‘boogiemen’ stalk away angrily. She had used the UV ability of her eye to peer through the holographic privacy screens to look directly at their faces. The lead one, the Arbiter, was a pretty African women with features that seemed more common in western Africa than the East where Astarte grew up. The one on the left had been a Balikstro without any of the traditional bone plating they wore. The rest were Carkic and Kaydic, but since they hadn’t spoken Aster hadn’t tried to memorize their faces.
Karega stepped up to her side “That was suspicious.”
Aster nodded “They were definitely too forceful; I think they know something. Massacres tend to stir up trouble, they may have learned our names from investigating the massacre of our insurance company.”
“Yeah, unfortunately we’d have to break in to learn what they know. We’re good, but we wont be able to sneak in unnoticed.”
Aster agreed, but the idea of probing the SS for info stayed in her mind. “Too messy, not while we still have other options. Are things all set on your end?”
Karega smiled “Of course, Mr. and Mrs. Heart were happy to hear I’ve come back to Unity all grown up and they’re very interested in our company’s growth.”
She sighed “These people better be worth the hassle.”
“They’ll be closer to the heads of Amaterasu than our under-world connections.”
“I wouldn’t doubt the shadow league if I were you. They likely already know we’re here and why.”
“I promise it’ll be worth the hassle.”
“Whatever, I need to go freshen up. Can’t have the high society of Unity see me in my armor.”
“Oh yes, whatever will they say when they see your wearing last season’s armor” Karega said with mock snobbery.
Aster snorted.
Previous/Next

Hi Folks.
First time poster and apologies in advance for the long post.
About 5 years ago i decided i was wasn't happy with my weight and health from stacking on heaps of weight as i settled into my career in IT. In that time i've come down from 130KG to 90KG and took up weight training about 3 years ago.
I was really happy with this progress and obviously health was a big motivator for me, but looking better was also a big drive and motivator along the way.
After i hit 90KG, i stalled with weight loss. i continued to lift weights but i was never able to really shave off the extra 10KG to get to my goal weight. While i was very happy with my progress in strength training, i felt like my body composition was always a bit lackluster. i still carried a fair amount of bodyfat and don't feel like i put on that much muscle, but i understand that is subjective.
​
I went to my GP and spoke about this, who than referred me to an Endo as there was some curiosity about weather radiotherapy treatment to my eye (retnoblastomia) could have caused some issue with my pituitary gland impacting on hormones. The endo ordered a blood test, sat me down and told me to got through them, and advised everything was in normal range, which was good to hearI left without to much thought about it.
Over the last year had thought from time to time what my levels actually were since i felt like i did exzibit some low T symptoms including fatigue (i often nap after work), occasional periods of low mood and very lacking libido and never get morning wood (i thought the no morning wood was kinda normal as an older adult). After doing some looking around on reddit, found this sub and looked through a lot of old posts. I decided to get a blood tests done.
Levels that came back high
Tes related levels
Calculated Free Testosterone 309.3 pmol/L (255.0-725.0)
Sex Hormone Binding Globulin 15 nmol/L (11-71)
Total Testosterone (Siemens) 11.6 nmol/L (8.3-29) or 328 ng/dL for you guy's in the states. DHEAS 14 umol/L (3.0-10)
There are a lot of other results here but I'm not sure what else is important to share.
My priority is to keep my health in good shape, but i won't lie my physique isn't great and it gets the better of me some times.
​
I've considered the idea of TRT before, but not sure if it's a good idea or not. I know no one can make that decision but myself. I just don't want my vanity getting in the way of my health if TRT isn't needed and could cause me worse health outcomes over the long term.
I have been training consonantly for about 3 years now doing an upper lower split 4 days a week and do cardio in the form of golf and tennis, sleep is good and i eat well, except i will get take away every Saturday night as a cheat meal.
Appreciate anyone taking the time to have a look and let me know if i should look further into it, cheers lads.

Alright let me spell it out for you swabbies
I got the legendary curse in season 1, before I was a pirate legend
It sat in my vanity chest tucked away until I got pirate legend one or two seasons later
At the time I got 100 renown in season 1, I was such a noob that I thought you could kill BIRDS (I swore to my crewmate that I saw one fall out of the sky after shooting a flock of them)
That cannot possibly be equivalent to someone getting level 105 guardians now. Not even close to the same value of gameplay. Tons of other people including my crewmates unlocked it under the same exact low-gameplay conditions as me. In my strong OPINION, playing during january 2021 is not an achievement. No need to get hostile about that last part please
Simply put, give the Legendary Curse to all pirate legends. Or as a middle ground, make it like level 50 guardian, because it should be a pre-cursor to the Phantom Curse and not 5 levels after it.

I started working as a fulfillment associate for Lowes about a year ago now. The job is pain. I understand that physical and mental exhaustion comes with a job, but this is Lowes. This is retail. The trade off is not worth it.
Because our department does not drive sales, management -- and most other associates-- do not regard us as important. We are disposable. So there isn't much respect regardless of how hard we work.
There is a perception that we are lazy and lack common sense. Because it's an "easy" job that any one without skills or specific knowledge can do. They treat our department like dirt and talk to us like children. Whenever problems arise, it's like "why am I even having to waste my time on this."
We pull installs and deliveries. We get lumber and mulch, stones and grills, vanities and doors. We serve ALL departments. It's not like Harris Teeter or a store that is only half the size of the garden center, where the heaviest thing you'd have to carry is a case of water.
The most grueling part of the work, is when you are the only one there ALL DAY. And this is probably the most infuriating part for me. Because management doesn't see this as a priority, they don't make the hiring decisions needed in order for the department to be a success. They have hired people who are not capable of the physical requirements. Half of our team are part timers who work probably four to six days out of the entire month!!!
This often leads to poor communication, mishandled orders, and one person having to do the work meant for three. God forbid someone call out.
You cannot get curbsides, while fetching someone's special order from the back of receiving, while getting corrugated pipes down from top stock, while a customer is on the phone wanting to know where her toilet order is.
All of this and only one person on our team is certified on power equipment. So what do we do when we need something dropped from topstock? Ask someone else who either 1. doesnt want to help fulfillment. Or 2. Is already busy with customers.
Tl;dr I'm on the job hunt again.
Can anyone else relate? How is fulfillment perceived in your store? Other fulfillment associates, how is it like for you and is it this way across many lowes stores?

Hey all, a friend was throwing out a granite slab that is absolutely beautiful and very high quality and I was able to snag. I intend to have it cut to form an extremely nice bathroom vanity countertop for a bathroom rework we're doing. I'd like to replace our current floor mount vanity- despite it being pretty nice wood it has aged and picked up some serious scratches, nicks and wear.
But I haven't replaced a vanity in a VERY long time, so I'm looking for tips regarding what the "in" styles are, as well as any tips on build quality (this granite slab is EXTREMELY heavy, so it's gotta be fairly sturdy as a base; also sadly that probably rules out floating vanities even though I think they look quite nice), as well as any good advice for getting a vanity "base" without a countertop. So far most of the bathroom replacement materials have been from Lowes.
I'm having the slab cut to be 24 inches deep, 46 inches long, with the sink to the right (this is where the current vanity's sink is and where all the plumbing is coming in).
Any tips or wisdom would be much appreciated, thanks in advance!

ISAIAH 2:22; Cease ye from man, whose breath is in his nostrils: for wherein is he to be accounted of?
Cease from man. Man is nothing; God is all in all. Man's ways are low, crooked, and leading to death. God's ways are infinitely higher, pure, and leading to life everlasting. Every moment, every breath we take, we cannot keep our own selves alive but are fully in the hands of God. How can we trust in ourselves when we are, in fact, dependent for our very life upon Another?
Teach us our own frailty, what it means that our breath is in our nostrils. Teach us that even the nations are less than nothing and vanity, a drop of a bucket, as the small dust upon the balancing scales that cannot affect the outcome (Isaiah 40:15). Let us cease from confidence in man and in self and put full, unwavering confidence in you, the Rock of our salvation. Amen.

ISAIAH 2:22; Cease ye from man, whose breath is in his nostrils: for wherein is he to be accounted of?
Cease from man. Man is nothing; God is all in all. Man's ways are low, crooked, and leading to death. God's ways are infinitely higher, pure, and leading to life everlasting. Every moment, every breath we take, we cannot keep our own selves alive but are fully in the hands of God. How can we trust in ourselves when we are, in fact, dependent for our very life upon Another?
Teach us our own frailty, what it means that our breath is in our nostrils. Teach us that even the nations are less than nothing and vanity, a drop of a bucket, as the small dust upon the balancing scales that cannot affect the outcome (Isaiah 40:15). Let us cease from confidence in man and in self and put full, unwavering confidence in you, the Rock of our salvation. Amen.

ISAIAH 2:22; Cease ye from man, whose breath is in his nostrils: for wherein is he to be accounted of?
Cease from man. Man is nothing; God is all in all. Man's ways are low, crooked, and leading to death. God's ways are infinitely higher, pure, and leading to life everlasting. Every moment, every breath we take, we cannot keep our own selves alive but are fully in the hands of God. How can we trust in ourselves when we are, in fact, dependent for our very life upon Another?
Teach us our own frailty, what it means that our breath is in our nostrils. Teach us that even the nations are less than nothing and vanity, a drop of a bucket, as the small dust upon the balancing scales that cannot affect the outcome (Isaiah 40:15). Let us cease from confidence in man and in self and put full, unwavering confidence in you, the Rock of our salvation. Amen.

ISAIAH 2:22; Cease ye from man, whose breath is in his nostrils: for wherein is he to be accounted of?
Cease from man. Man is nothing; God is all in all. Man's ways are low, crooked, and leading to death. God's ways are infinitely higher, pure, and leading to life everlasting. Every moment, every breath we take, we cannot keep our own selves alive but are fully in the hands of God. How can we trust in ourselves when we are, in fact, dependent for our very life upon Another?
Teach us our own frailty, what it means that our breath is in our nostrils. Teach us that even the nations are less than nothing and vanity, a drop of a bucket, as the small dust upon the balancing scales that cannot affect the outcome (Isaiah 40:15). Let us cease from confidence in man and in self and put full, unwavering confidence in you, the Rock of our salvation. Amen.

ISAIAH 2:22; Cease ye from man, whose breath is in his nostrils: for wherein is he to be accounted of?
Cease from man. Man is nothing; God is all in all. Man's ways are low, crooked, and leading to death. God's ways are infinitely higher, pure, and leading to life everlasting. Every moment, every breath we take, we cannot keep our own selves alive but are fully in the hands of God. How can we trust in ourselves when we are, in fact, dependent for our very life upon Another?
Teach us our own frailty, what it means that our breath is in our nostrils. Teach us that even the nations are less than nothing and vanity, a drop of a bucket, as the small dust upon the balancing scales that cannot affect the outcome (Isaiah 40:15). Let us cease from confidence in man and in self and put full, unwavering confidence in you, the Rock of our salvation. Amen.

ISAIAH 2:22; Cease ye from man, whose breath is in his nostrils: for wherein is he to be accounted of?
Cease from man. Man is nothing; God is all in all. Man's ways are low, crooked, and leading to death. God's ways are infinitely higher, pure, and leading to life everlasting. Every moment, every breath we take, we cannot keep our own selves alive but are fully in the hands of God. How can we trust in ourselves when we are, in fact, dependent for our very life upon Another?
Teach us our own frailty, what it means that our breath is in our nostrils. Teach us that even the nations are less than nothing and vanity, a drop of a bucket, as the small dust upon the balancing scales that cannot affect the outcome (Isaiah 40:15). Let us cease from confidence in man and in self and put full, unwavering confidence in you, the Rock of our salvation. Amen.

TL;DR:
I’m almost certain after my behaviour over the past two years that I have BPD but have only a diagnosis of ADHD despite telling mental health team.
I had a very upsetting and painful relationship with someone that made me feel really bad about myself. I hit out and had a mental breakdown, no I don’t feel like I can live my life because of who the person is and what they have made up about me on top of my already (true) crazy… I don’t really know what to do because I have really good friends in the city I live in but know that anything I do can and will be cancelled by this person.
oh goddddd, so I have a diagnosis of ADHD and not BPD but I did some crazy shit to someone I dated - so I reckon I do have BPD/ I was suffering from psychosis/ super low self esteem + trauma.
Context:Me - 26F Her 32F (I’ll use R to refer to hr)
I was living in my van at the time, really down and out - low sel esteem felt like i had nothing to offer.
She has a fancy salon on the main st in the area where kinda everyone i know in the city is/ DJs at the radio station across the st from r’s salon. To get anywhere you need to walk past her salon or try to avoid it. She knows all the big names etc and is like semi -famous.
Basically I was going through a bit of a rough time - had been struggling with homelessness for a while and that had gotten me into tricky situations which I didn't realise were probably leaving a mark on me. I hadn't been back in the UK for that long, having lived in Greece working in the camps for a while until covid happened and i experienced burnout and got back into drugs when trying to make new friends since i'd been abroad for so long. I sobered up and sorted myself out a bit and went and lived in my van tree-planting and having a nice time.
Anyways, I wasn't really into dating at that point but had dating apps and got talking to someone. Straight away she was really telling me loads about herself and so I opened up to over messages etc, she'd voice note and send pictures asking me to identify mushrooms she'd picked and asked me my opinions/ knowledge about intellectual topics etc, and basically seemed to have a lot in common with me/ wanted similar things.
We don't meet for a while because I'm flaky and always on the move. We finally meet, she comes to a friends house where i sometimes went when I was in the city (i lived in my van remember) and we take some mushrooms, laugh loads and then go to the club together, as soon as i get there she ignores me completely- but i bump into a friend so spend the night dancing with him.. i tell r I'm going to leave and we chat for a bit and then go outside, I ask if she's attracted to me because I'm confused by our interaction, i like r from our chats and how much we laughed together but then i think that she thinks I'm weird hence why she ignored me in the club- we end up circling each other and then kissing for a while, I go to leave and she grabs me an throws me to the wall and kisses me more (HOT). In the morning she messages me 'you're on my mind this morning'- I find it kinda wild, but like flattering and hot.
Anyways I'm away again and she tries to get me to drive back to the city to fuck a few times when she's drunk/ messages me in the night and gets annoyed when i don't reply 'I want you to talk to me' is what she'd say. I've never experienced anyone being so forward so i find it a bit unnerving but nice.
When we finally have sex it's wild, she strangles me without asking but it just works, she's so intense the most intense lover I've ever had, staring at me like she's going to swallow me whole. she says it's the best sex she's ever had - i don't know how to reply, but it is good. We continue seeing each other and she tells me all about her exes who are badddd, like crazy - 3 turn up at r’s flat over the time we are seeing each other... (and she tells me how she has gotten people cancelled).. We hang out a LOT she keeps telling me she's going to fall in love with me but she can't- can't have a relationship, we chat about what we want and she seems to want everything i want? Land, community.. She comes for a drink with me and my friend and storms out half way through i follow her and she's like I'm sorry and goes to dinner, i wake up to 9minutes worth of voice notes telling me all of these nice things about me but that I'm like damaged goods so maybe we should be friends because she knows she'll fall in love with me and she can't do that.. I'm so confused i message back telling her that everything is telling me to run away but for some reason i can't..
everytime i stay r tells me she's going to fall in love with me over and over again, but that she can't do that and it hurts me so i often stay in the spare room, always awaking to her coming in and clinging to me in the night, the way she holds me feels so good.. it really confuses me, so i become unsure if i should see her, everything feels wierdly dramatic all the time and the sex is crazy, she sends me constant nudes and desires me all the time, asks me to come to her work just to kiss her. Does not stop going on about my appearance and body (I'm like SUPER underweight at that point - sick looking- but i guess muscly from all the manual labour? idk weird she was so into it). But we do have the best times when we're together and i feel so special she covets me in public and invites me to cool fancy events and i feel accepted by like the beautiful people? But then she's also seeing other people, (none like me though, she loves me and it's different...) and makes fun of me for not (ENM) so i try and date other people but she stops me each time. She gets a bit calmer and things feel okay between us, i stay most nights she still pushes and pull but i put it down to her trauma and she tell me she's in love with me. I tell r i need time but she demands that i fuck her hard and lover her during sex. R corners me all the time over the next few weeks and tells me i must feel the same way as it's between two people. I'm obsessed, I love her back, I tell R this but that it feels painful and that shouldn't be what love is. We continue hanging out and it seems okay but it's like I'm waiting for her to do something again, it's incredible in so many ways the way we talk constantly about everything and all the amazing things she says to me.. But I'll catch r out on lies/ she'll do things/ say things that are really mean both to me and to strangers etc.
But then things get hard she has some family stuff and says she can't date me, i of course say that's fine but she messages me every day - i get really sick from living in the van during winter with no heating and end up at my mums (alcoholic) after not seeing her for years, she ghosts me over random stuff then rings me crying saying she loves me and would be with me if stuff was not happening in her life.
I get a bit better and come back to the city in my van sleeping near parks etc, the night i get back i meet my friend (an ex, I'm a lesbian what can i say) who sees my phone flashing and her texts to me, she can't believe that that's how she speaks to me. I ask r if I'll see her tonight, she messages me as I'm parked up a while out the city demanding i come fuck her and leave my dog alone in the van. I feel like shit but then do what she wants the following night after not having slept, our relationship becomes me coming over and cooking for her and fucking her on demand.. At this point I'm barely sleeping each night, waiting for her to message me or up from the cold. one night i say no and that she has no respect for me, the next day I say we need to chat- she's mean over text and is all about what just tell me over text, so i tell her i think she has zero respect for me and it hurts. she brushes it off but later sees me walk past her salon and then ends up coming into the shop where i go with my friend and grabs my hand. Later she sees me again whilst djing (across the road from her salon) and messages me and asks if i like her croptop i tell her ofc she looks amazing, she says she'll come chat to me later. She doesn't so i sleep until she turns up at my van at midnight wrecked. I come out and ask her wtf she is doing but she just grabs me and kisses me and throws me against the park railings and tells me to come to hers so i follow her, we start having sex and i freak out and she tells me she loves me to which i only reply 'sure'. she jumps out of the bed and starts screaming at me to get out if i don't think she loves me, i move to get up but then she presses me down and doesn't let me leave nor does she let me sleep and shakes me trying to get me to talk but I've shut down.
The next day I wake having had one hour sleep feeling terrible. i go down on r and bring her to orgasm she bucks into my nose and i bleed everywhere, a sad trail of red leading to the bathroom.. she sits me on the edge of the bath and cleans me up, we shower together and i watch my blood mix with the water. Later in r’s kitchen she picks me up and sits me on her counter (I'm p tall 5'8 but tinnyyy 47kg and she's 6ft curvy af and strong) and strokes my hair tries to speak to me but i can't hear anything i feel so done and hurt and terrified to lose her, it's like my self worth has become reliant on her because idk she's so powerful in the area i live and is so mean about everyone and if she's not mean about me then maybe I'm not so bad right? I know - bpd right?
Anyways i go to my van and change and r comes in and gives me my stuff that i had at hers i tell her i don't want it and throw it out… I was feeling rejected I guess?.. she's laughing at me an I'm so embarrassed i throw my clothes into the street I'm crazy, feel ridiculous and small and sick and ashamed i want her not to see me like that. She storms off and tells me I'll never see her again if I do that again so I follow her (she wants to go a walk) and she screams at me in public all around the park and i try to calm her. By the time we get back to hers I'm apologising telling her it woulave completely lost my d be a shame to waste our connection and i love her. I have completely lost myself, I'm a different person from when she met me. I have no where to go but go to my friends who tells me she's worried about me and that someone shouldn't be treating me that way. The woman just sends me romantic songs and i tell her i think the other night was inappropriate, she admits that it was and says we can never talk about it again.
I start going crazy- messaging weirdly when she doesn't reply, clingy like, r tells me she doesn't think about me doesn't care about me. I'm not sleeping still and in the morning i tell her that i think she needs therapy etc if she thinks that this is love because it should feel good and it should be an action not just some intense feeling she has and that i am so confused because she treats her friends so nicely and yet the person she is in love with like a dog or an enemy and i think she's amazing but maybe we should be friends if her behaviour doesn't change cause i don't want to lose her.. She is obviously mad with me and tells me she completely fell for me but can't have a relationship (not my point). We were meant to have a date that night as r was going to Mexico the next day but she cancels because of my behaviour.. i ask to go and get my records then so i go to the salon- with her favourite chocz (ikr I'm full psycho at this point) and she's angry but we make out loads in the back street.. she says she'll meet me later, I'm a mess getting ready and think I'll be late so don't get fuel for my van (so no heating), i turn up and she's still working but invites me in i try and wait but my mum keeps ringing saying she's suicidal.. she finally finishes cutting the persons hair 2 hours after i turn up... and we make out loads in the salon, but shes mean, shes hungry so i take her for food she holds my hand down the street and leans her head on my shoulder as she eats i walk her to her car and she tells me that's it i kiss her loads and ask her to drive me back and she agrees I'm trying not to cry as she drops me off and she asks me why do i care so much about it. i kiss her and she drives off. i try and sleep on my friends couch but it's so cold. I message her and joke how she's going to go through all my texts laughing with her business partner - she's like wtf.. (she told me she'd done that with ex partners texts and I'm so paranoid all the time at this point), she tells me something has happened and she has to stop texting i apologise and say i;ll message in the morning...
She's so mad with me still in the morning and the communication is fucked, she's mad i just want to be friends and everything else, but of course, i want to be with her and not just be friends, i'd really do anything. I ask if i can leave her a letter because everything i text is misconstrued. She says yes so i write her a letter telling her how i feel and apologising, i feel like i really love her, she's such a strong character and so interesting and so fierce with so many idiosyncrasies and mad music knowledge and that i want to be in her life in any capacity that i can, i mean it but I'm so so fucked up at this point and i'd had a long term relationship but like it wasn't like this.. the intensity, it was really nice and so loving, but it was very different from this, despite the pain of it no one had ever said such amazing things to me and i'd never had sex like that / so much in common musically etc.... I'm so hurt and just think i should try move on, i go and sleep with someone straight away. the next day she messages me whilst on her way to to the airport, telling me the letter made her cry - because it's sad and that all she wants to do is be in my arms, i tell r i love her and r says she feels the same, but I'm stupid i try and date other people whilst she's in mexico. The stupidest idea, I’m so so mentally ill at this point, not sleeping and pushing my body to the absolute limits at work and to nail the coffin.. start taking street valium to try and sleep.. i tell r about going on dates, i always told her before because i want to be open about that and she encouraged my dating other people (but i have like sexual trauma so it's difficult for me, but i don't mind her dating) she gets jealous of one person i date (a)… A instantly clings on to me and by then myself esteem is so done i think everyone can just take what they want from me and I give it despite a year ago knowing full well I would have ran a million miles from someone like a.. and this is really horrible.. but i wasn't even really attracted to a and i missed and loved the r so badly, but a kept demanding me to come fuck her very similar to the way r did, but obvs I loved r, so I did go an fuck a even when I didn’t want to. Whilst a is in Mexico she sends me highly sexual messages again and of course I'm so hooked, i wake up to voice notes from r telling me she loves me that she wants to do everything with me, to read to her to go travelling, to do all these mad adventurous things etc and that when she gets back she needs to see me straight away and it'll be different this time we'll do sober things etc etc. at this point I'm flat sitting a friends flat so i finally have somewhere to stay - although only for a bit..
R arrives back and I'm so excited to see her, i don't want to fuck up this time and i want to be good for her, she also has regular lovers so maybe it's good that i now have someone else as well.. when r finally gets to the place I'm staying she's two hours late and she's full of mezcal telling me about a half a million property she's going to buy (what about wanting to get land like me). I'm cooking for her and we're making small talk but she just jumps on me and tells me to get into the bedroom so i do. she pushes me on the bed and tries to fuck me (again something i can have problems with cause past trauma) she hurts me so i tell her and she laughs and stops rather than asking what i want. I've never seen her so turned on, like, her clit is SWOLLEN anyways we have a LOT of sex for hours and hours can't stop touching each other telling each other how much we love each other, and i talk about the woman I'm dating and the sex... because i found it interesting because i struggle with casual sex / not having feelings for people who i sleep with but managing to have good sex with that person sometimes without having feelings (fucking for pleasure, as noted smth I struggle wi cause of trauma), i don't really remember chatting about it (she tells me the next day how inappropriate that is).. anyways it feels p fucking magical to be back with r and the next day she sees me running my errands whilst she's in her salon and asks me to get her for her lunch so i do and she comes up to the flat i'm staying in and we make out but then she becomes nasty to me - making fun of my clothes and then asking if i only like her for sex (very confusing as she always jumps on me when i'd much rather go and fucking do smth fun...). She tells me off for talking about a (very fair what a twat I am) and i'm mortified, i apologise so much and tell r maybe i was trying to show off or smth but i don't remember too well because i would never want to hurt her, i'm so desperate to make it work this time.. I move in with my close friend and I stop fawning over her so much, confused by the hot and cold.. I go and stay with people and I text her the same as always but I just seem to annoy her…
R sleeps with someone I know she doesn’t even like and I’m upset - what are we doing to each other!? I try to communicate this but everything I do annoys her, when I’m invited to a cottage with an and her friends I go, just for a night. Whilst there r starts phoning me manically asking to come over and that she needs to sleep next to me, but I tell her I’m out, not where, I should’ve said where I know.. been honest.. r sends loads of messages, I should just go and ring her but for some reason I don’t because I’m so anxious, I just text her I’m so sorry I’m away id love to be with her but we need to start arranging things rather than her expecting me to just drop everything there and then all the time - I honestly thought about driving my big van 2 hours back just to be there for her and I wish I had.. I say I’ll see her as soon as I’m back but it goes on at this place, I hate it I want to be with her.
When I get back the next day I cook r a massive meal and we try and watch a film.. I have no tv and no laptop just a shite iPad. I obviously can’t concentrate on it and it annoys r.. we have sex and she tells me she loves me but I don’t reply, I just stare confused… she says she needs to go and stay in her own bed, I ask if she wants company but she says no, so she goes. But she tells me to come in to the salon on valentines day to get my hair done..
I’m pretty ill at this point again and food isn’t going well with me and just super mentally unstable with everything going on and staking street valium each night.. it’s my pals birthday and I’m so anxious around everyone I get completely black out, take loads of drugs. My dog runs away and she is texting me maniacally I’m on the st tripping balls looking for my dog , I run to the park (past her salon) she sees me and runs out and grabs me I immediately have a panic attack and collapse, her staff bring me water and she comes out and calls my friends who come and get me, she messages me asking if I’m okay. I apologise not realising the gravity of the situation. Later she (rightfully) doesn’t want to talk to me when I try.. I lose my shit, she isn’t going to cut my hair, I accuse her of manipulating me, lying (she was always lying tbh and I knew it but just turned a blind eye) and not loving me, just using me for sex, complete psychotic drool. I don’t remember any of it, I was FULL of Xanax and everything else. I fall asleep and when I wake up I’m sick realising what I did, I ring her trying to apologise, of course she won’t speak to me, so I apologise profusely. She won’t see me again. I get it I’m awful, so awful, but I’m so full of panic.
I accept that she doesn’t want to see me but I get covid and keep filling with panic and sending her apologies ( I think on two occasions) and getting really cruel responses. I then pour my heart out, all romantic, the way she used to talk to me (I know I’m mortified) and she calls me disgusting and to focus on someone else (which hurt because my problem is I struggle with focus on someone because I’m so damn scatty/ avoidant a lot of the time, probs why I fell so hard for her because I couldn’t NOT focus on he be drawn and obsessed with her). I’m terrified of walking my dog certain ways and passing her salon worried she’ll accuse me of stalking because I messaged so many times to apologise.. if I do pass with friends she stares out at me..
But then she comes and talks to me on the street and says she will see me soon (she’d always say this when she sort of ended smth, to tell me it wasn’t really over in her code) so I thought it would be like all the other times she’s be annoyed and mess with other people then call me in crying again. So I message r and suggest a walk - she blocks me. I’m so mentally ill now, can’t go down the street and have panic attacks daily that my life is ruined, hurting someone like that and being so mean and also what she will be saying to people, people look at me differently like I’m mad (she got her ex barred from an art studios, another is seen as an abuser and has called other stalkers/ crazy). It was also (pure vanity) horrifying knowing everyone would think I was this evil crazy person.. so I’d try and stay out of her way but sadly struggle as her salon is on the main Street and I couldn’t keep making my friends walk a different way (they thought I was mad too). I continue seeing a for a 2 weeks but its too much so I ask for space but she then tells me she loves me and it feels too much like what I’d just been through (why am I now creating a new pattern)… I’m so lonely and fucked up and mad and weird that A continually gets back in because my boundaries are so poor and I’m so mentally ill and probably confusing her a lot :(. I go in and out of utter panic and trying to quit the st valium and relapsing. R sees me at gigs and sometimes tries to come up but I always freak out and have a panic attack, she comes out the salon when I walk by and goes smiles and tries to talk to my friends whilst ignoring me..
I go through homelessness again and a puts me up in her big flat she lives in alone (as a friend), but it’s such an odd situation because she keeps trying to initiate sex.. I see the salon shut for ages and get a weird feeling this is months later… July?… Just before R’s birthday.. I decide to message if she’s okay, the message goes through on iMessage so maybe I’m just blocked on WhatsApp idk? No answer.. I’m so manic not sleeping I take loads and loads of valium to try and shut my brain off and down gin, I’m on my own as A has gone away in the massive flat a st away from r’s and a st away from the salon everything is so fucking close.. anyways I go crazy from all the Valiums and somehow convince myself that if I just talk to r and tell her I mean no harm she will stop saying stuff about me and just be normal to me when we bump into each other. I go crazy ring loads. When she answers she goes hysterical screaming at me and laughing hysterically and calling me all these things. She hangs up and I ring and ring and leave nonsense drugged up voice notes like ‘does it make u feel powerful being so mean..’ Etc. I’m such an idiot I feel so bad for acting so odd and traumatised I decide to write to her and give her my favourite book I think about putting it in the post but she lives down the st so I think it’s an acceptable thing to leave it outside. When I get there she’s sat outside with her pals… she sees me and is like ‘hi.. what do you want’ I say I have something for her she just replies ‘sound’ so I give her the book and letters and she bursts out laughing..
I meet someone later (o) and then it turns out r was also trying to fuck them whilst with me and told a bunch of lies.. I go to a gay club with O and as soon as I walk in R is there, she just waves at me and I jump out of my skin. Fuck. I go over and I apologise profusely saying I’m having a manic episode and it’s no excuse (it really is no excuse - I’m aware my behaviour is fucked) but I say can I have a hug and she holds me, when I pull away she grabs me and puts her hand under my top whilst telling me she needs ‘space’ from me tonight and to leave, but that the letter was ‘sweet’. The letter was also like.. asking what the protocol was because I didn’t want to be accused of doing other disrespectful things - I’d been a prick and really shat on her boundaries apologising when she didn’t want to hear from me then going fuckin’ nuts and ringing her months later, but it was also cause I didn’t know if it was bad walking past the salon and how to avoid it or whether I was allowed/ should say hello - we WERE in love? I’ve never had to like idk police myself after being so entwined with someone, them knowing everything about me… and I just felt so ashamed of my actions and selfishly wanted to make up for it even though I knew that the only way to make up for it is to not apologise.. but ye I guess its also my life. R is involved in everything music, fashion, writing.. so I really wanted to be on like semi okay terms, but it was just completely fucked up of me trying to force that on a person and I truly am ashamed and have just been doing so much therapy since.
I did just about get myself on my feet, I got a council flat, got in to do my post grad, was playing music and had a gig lined up (smth I was nervous about again because r is friends with the gig organisers and other musicians involved) and then I had a serious rock climbing accident - smashed my left arm up pretty bad, had a lush two week stay in the hospital, two operations and a bunch of metal plates put in - it was a hard recovery as I’m so active usually and my council flat is like a st away from r’s salon and everyone who knows her in the queer scene and ye I walk out my flat and just get funny looks now because of it.. R did come and talk to me on the st one day after my accident I went to turn away but there was nowhere to go, so, idk it probably looked mental as but I put on my big grin and tried to just feel love and no animosity for her and just tried to chat normally and made a bunch of jokes and also apologised again, said I feel guilty and I think about what I did all the time, she told me to ‘let it go’ and made fun of my cast and chaos, kind of infantilising and kinda treated me like I was gross and bring up stuff that she knew would make me feel awful…
I pulled through my accident and even got a modelling contract with a pretty big agency, got funded to work on a film and started my postgrad.. but then things still happen all the time, a photographer blocks me, guess what, they’re friends with r. Two people working on the film, friends with R and I just feel weird around them, my friends ask me to go to events… r is djing. my best friend starts djing at the radio station r dis at and wants me to get involved but I know I can’t even though I’m friends with the person that runs the radio station. If I were to, r would get me banned and say it was to get to them or smth, which is not true, at this point I wish I could be as far away from them as possible. I’m scared to go and see my favourite musicians play as I always suspect r will be there as we have the same taste… scared to go to certain pubs I always went to.. before I met r I would spend days off at a cafe right by her salon and just read/ catch up on admin.. I’m too nervous now as she’ll again say it’s stalking/ her friends will think that too. My favourite food place was also next to her salon. I literally love the days it’s shut and I can just go down the main st like a normal person, funny thing is that’s the only time I ever see her other ex who is also too scared to go down the main st… it’s been so long now but I’m still crippled with anxiety, I know that she now has a partner so I thought maybe she might idk be full of love and evened out a bit, but she’s still trying to like talk to my friends.. and I know for a fact going around telling people I’m crazy, I tell myself it’s in my head that she’s doing this but then something happens.
I’m so young I just want to be happy, i make new friends and then if they make a move on me I freak out, can’t have sex at all, can’t be intimate. I don’t know when I’ll stop feeling like this. I guess I’m scared I’ll be awful to someone else like I was to R. And I know that my low self-esteem isn’t all due to R at all, if anything she built me up more than anyone else ever had… but I keep putting it on her in my mind and it’s obsessive and fucked up. I own a bit of land with a group of anarchist, working class queers now and we’re building huts to make a community - I’m on disability for my arm and the severity of my ‘ADHD’ and have so much opportunity to just write and try and make something of myself but I’m still so full of panic by the proximity. One of my other best friends good friend is close friends with R and so we can’t hang out together. They are creating a pop up poety/ wine night (I write poetry) so my pal wants me to be there desperately but I know r will be there and her friends who all think I’m an evil crazy bitch from hell. Which, I guess I am, but I’m trying not to be and treating me like shit forever and spreading things on top of the crazy shit I did which are fundamentally not true is just so difficult and makes me feel like I have to move away… I’m pretty sure after all this and my mind letting it continue that I definitely have BPD, all the symptoms are there but my mental health team just think it’s severe ADHD and possibly CPTSD and I just need to stick to my medication regimen (yay stimulants) and stay off of valium - I am!! But idk, everytime I think I’m doing something good I get scared that r will find out and tear it down.. it sucks, I have a lot of love and respect for her and wish I hadn’t done what I did but I did and I can’t change it.. so I guess I deserve it completely. But still, it’s difficult to make something of myself even though I deserve this..
Has anyone had a similar situation? any advice?